Praise for Raising Kingdom Kids

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1 Praise for Raising Kingdom Kids Parenting today is not easy. Teacing cildren to follow Crist in today s culture is even more difficult. Raising Kingdom Kids provides parents wit sound biblical principles to elp teir cildren listen to God as tey grow and mature. Tis is a tremendous resource for any parent wo is committed to bringing up godly cildren. Tony Dungy Super Bowl-winning coac and New York Times best-selling autor Dr. Evans as been a great friend to me, and a role model to many as a man of God, a usband, and a fater. Te Bible as a lot to say to parents, and Tony is a fantastic guide. Tis book will elp you stay focused on te ig goal of parenting: raising te next generation wo will continue seeking to cange te world for Crist. Carey Casey CEO, National Center for Fatering Tis book is full of wisdom and practical guidance! Wat I love even more is ow Dr. Evans encourages us as parents to discover and onor individual gifts and talents in eac cild as we are teacing tem to use tose strengts to bring onor and glory to teir Creator and Designer. Cyntia Tobias Autor of Te Way Tey Learn If you want to raise kids wo will ave an eternal impact, ten Raising Kingdom Kids is for you. As Dr. Tony Evans so powerfully reminds us, kingdom parenting isn t perfect parenting, it is purposeful parenting. I igly recommend tis book to all parents wo want to intentionally instill in teir cildren virtues suc as wisdom, integrity, service, and love. Mark Merrill President, Family First, and autor of All Pro Dad: Seven Essentials to Be a Hero to Your Kids

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3 Raising Kingdom Kids Copyrigt 2014 Tony Evans A Focus on te Family book publised by Tyndale House Publisers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois Focus on te Family and te accompanying logo and design are federally registered trademarks of Focus on te Family, 8605 Explorer Drive, Colorado Springs, CO TYNDALE and Tyndale s quill logo are registered trademarks of Tyndale House Publisers, Inc. Scripture quotations, unless oterwise indicated, are taken from te New American Standard Bible. Copyrigt 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by Te Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. ( Scripture quotations marked (esv) are from Te Holy Bible, Englis Standard Version, (ESV ), copyrigt 2001 by Crossway, a publising ministry of Good News Publisers. Used by permission. All rigts reserved. All Scripture quotations marked (niv) are taken from te Holy Bible, New International Version. niv. Copyrigt 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rigts reserved worldwide ( All italics in te Bible texts were added by te autor for empasis. Te use of material from or references to various websites does not imply endorsement of tose sites in teir entirety. Availability of websites and pages is subject to cange witout notice. No part of tis publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mecanical, potocopy, recording, or oterwise witout prior written permission of Focus on te Family. Cover design by Jennifer Gionzoli Cover skyline poto copyrigt PotoDisc. All rigts reserved. Cover potograp taken by Stepen Vosloo. Copyrigt by Focus on te Family. All rigts reserved. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Evans, Tony, Raising kingdom kids / by Tony Evans. pages cm A Focus on te Family book. Includes bibliograpical references and index. ISBN Parenting Religious aspects Cristianity. 2. Cild rearing Religious aspects Cristianity. I. Title. BV4529.E dc Printed in te United States of America /

4 Let our sons in teir yout be as grown-up plants, And our daugters as corner pillars fasioned as for a palace. Psalm 144:12

5 To my four wonderful cildren: Crystal, Priscilla, Antony Jr., and Jonatan. I am deeply grateful to God for te onor and privilege of raising you and calling you my own. Your moter and I love you. Dad

6 CONTENTS Foreword by Jim Daly, president of Focus on te Family...xiii Introduction by Lois Evans... xv PART I: ESTABLISHING A KINGDOM MINDSET 1 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom Aser and te Elepant Te Heir and Heiress Apparent Life Outside te Palace Walls Transferring te Royal Blessing...59 PART II: CULTIVATING A KINGDOM ATMOSPHERE 6 Love Is as Love Does Tree Pillars of Parenting Honor and Respect LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) Table Time: God s Word and Prayer PART III: INSTILLING KINGDOM VIRTUES 11 Wisdom Integrity Fait Resiliency Purity Service Using All Your Arrows...219

7 xii CONTENTS Conclusion Appendix 1: Te Urban Alternative Appendix 2: A Message to Single Parents Acknowledgments Scripture Index Notes...243

8 FOREWORD Are you a mom or a dad? If so, you ve probably noticed parenting isn t as simple as it used to be. Once upon a time, aving and raising kids was an experience tat most people sort of fell into as a matter of course. It was part of te natural order. First comes love, ten comes marriage, ten comes baby in te baby carriage. Tat s wat our grandparents used to say. In tose days, usbands and wives didn t always devote a lot of conscious tougt to te callenge of becoming effective parents. Tey just did wat came naturally. Tat may ave been good enoug in te past, but it isn t going to was in today s ig-tec, fast-paced, morally mixed-up society. Nowadays, moters and faters need a strategy, a plan especially if tey re te kind of parents interested in raising cildren wo can be described as true kids of te kingdom. If you fall into tat category, tis book is for you. Kingdom parenting, says Tony Evans, involves intentionally overseeing te generational transfer of te fait in suc a way tat cildren learn to consistently live all of life under God s divine autority. Tat s someting we care about deeply ere at Focus on te Family. In fact, Tony s ideas on tis topic dovetail perfectly wit te objectives of our GEN3 initiative, a campaign designed to encourage folks to build marriages and families wort repeating over tree generations. It s a goal we can all get entused about. How can parents create a ome environment tat fosters and facilitates tat process? Dr. Evans offers a detailed response in te pages tat follow. Not surprisingly, is parenting strategies go and in and wit te time-onored, biblically based principles we ve been promoting at Focus for more tan tirty years principles we ve summarized and delineated as te Twelve Traits of a Healty Family. Te first of tese traits is a strong marriage. Matrimony deserves special attention in its own rigt, of course, but a solid marriage also as a direct impact on te development of ealty kids. Next, triving families are committed to one anoter. Tey take steps to

9 xiv FOREWORD develop a deeply rooted sense of we-ness among temselves. Tey empasize loyalty, unity, and interdependency, and tey develop traditions and rituals tat become te basis of lasting bonds. Tese ouseolds are also built upon a sared spiritual foundation tat includes curc attendance, family devotions, and moral discipline. After all, parents can t pass on a fait tey don t possess. Good communication te open and frequent saring of feelings is anoter important caracteristic of kingdom families. So is a strong sense of connectedness. Kids experience a ig degree of warmt and closeness at ome wen teir relationsips wit Mom and Dad are distinguised by play, fun, umor, sared meals, and a ig level of parental involvement. Connected and communicating family members learn to onor one anoter wit practical demonstrations of unconditional love, wic in turn equip tem wit a resiliency tat can weater any storm. By bending and flexing wit circumstances, tey re enabled to meet te callenges of life in a positive way. It s important to add tat loving, grace-based ouseolds are caracterized by consistent expectations and discipline. Clearly expressed rules tend to produce secure and responsible kids. And wen cildren are secure and responsible, tey re ready to sare responsibility wit oter members of te family by working togeter toward common goals. Put it all togeter and wat you ave is an intergenerational group of ealty individuals wo understand wo tey are, were teir blessings come from, and wat it means to be autonomous and interdependent at te same time. People like tis ave a unique capacity to reac out to oters. Tey re community-minded in teir approac to te outside world. Teir relationsips wit folks beyond te front door bear te marks of strong social skills. Tat s wat a truly triving family looks like. And tat s wat Raising Kingdom Kids is all about. Want to know more? Ten you ve come to te rigt place! Dr. Tony Evans knows tis subject inside and out. He s mapped out te course, and e s ready to guide you to a wole new level of parenting and family interaction. Te journey begins wen you turn te page. Jim Daly, president of Focus on te Family

10 INTRODUCTION I was raised to love memorizing Scripture. As Tony and I raised our own cildren, we agreed to place a priority on teacing our kids te Word in te spirit of Deuteronomy 6. It was our goal to make God s Word a topic of conversation, a symbol of our family culture, and a message tat permeated every room in our ouse. One of te ways tat we did tis was by anging wall art wit Scripture verses. I bougt em; Tony ung em. Still adorning te walls of our ome today are signs wit verses suc as As for me and my ouse, we will serve te Lord, By grace are you saved, and, my favorite, I am te vine, you are te brances, He wo abides in Me and I in im bears muc fruit. In addition to te Word, I also purcased décor tat empasized te importance of ome and family. Words suc as Te Gatering Place and Family Matters communicated te ig value we placed on our ome. Hanging in our kitcen is a framed print tat reads, Write it on your eart tat te ones you love are life s most precious gifts. Tat s exactly wat we sougt to elp our kids do love life, love God, and love eac oter. Not only did we communicate te value of God and His Word to our cildren, but we also sougt to elp tem understand teir individual and unique importance to us and to God s kingdom. Tere is a special set of signs vertically aligned rigt next to te doorway tat divides our den from te allway tat leads to te bedrooms. Eac sign as te name of one of our cildren. Tey read as follows: Antony, Priceless one How blessed is te man wo as made te Lord is trust (Psalm 40:4); Crystal, Follower of Crist For to God we are Crist s fragrance for tose wo are being saved and for tose wo are perising (2 Corintians 2:15, paraprase); Priscilla, Full of onor I will look to te Lord, I will wait for te God of my salvation, my God will ear me (Mica 2:7, esv); Jonatan, God s gracious gift Te Lord will give grace and glory, no good ting will He witold from tose wo walk uprigtly (Psalm 84:11, paraprase).

11 xvi INTRODUCTION We are now collecting meaningful art wit messages tat matter for our grandcildren. Life-giving messages from te Word were not only presented in art form. We also purcased Scripture memory cards to use wit our cildren as we sat at te table for dinner. Bot Tony and I led our cildren as we read, discussed, and memorized quite a few of tem. Even now, on a montly basis, our grandcildren recite memory verses tey ave learned as we gater togeter as a family. Our desire was and still is reearsing God s Word so we fulfill te commands of Deuteronomy 6 to keep God s words before our cildren and even our grandcildren. Our ope is to continually encourage tem to experience God as a natural part of being in our ome. Even as I write tis brief reflection, I m staring at te art resting on our fireplace mantle wic reads, Te Spirit of Favor is on te Evans ome Zecaria 12:10. Lois Evans

12 PART I ESTABLISHING A KINGDOM MINDSET

13 1 THIS ISN T THE MAGIC KINGDOM It began as a typical Evans vacation. My wife, Lois, and I piled our four evergrowing kids into te car and took off on a road adventure. Our car eld sounds of ceerful anticipation because our destination offered promises of adventure, fantasy, and amusement. Tis was our first of many trips to Disneyland, but it stands out in my memory because our fairy-tale story nearly turned into a tragedy. It was August my vacation time so te winding streets and patways at Disneyland were packed wit oter people on summer break. Te seer volume of visitors pressed us in on all sides, and we were erded along wit te masses. I felt as toug I waddled more tan actually walked. Being forced to walk closely togeter, we catted amicably. (Tis was before cell pones ad become ubiquitous, so my family still ad te easy freedom of actually talking to one anoter.) Ceerful conversations bounced back and fort among Lois, me, and our four cildren: Crystal, Priscilla, Antony Jr., and Jonatan. Because all te kids were tall enoug to get on most of te fast rides, we were torougly enjoying our time togeter, myself included. But te joy diminised somewere between Adventureland and Tomorrowland wen we realized tat one of our kids ad stopped participating in te conversation. Jonatan, our youngest, was missing. Rigt around seven years old, Jonatan ad never given us muc cause for alarm. He rarely acted up or required any special attention to get im to obey

14 4 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS te family rules. Jonatan ad and still as to tis day a strong yet gentle demeanor. Because e was so compliant, no one kept an especially keen eye on im not even me. Wit eac step inside te Magic Kingdom, I ad become more and more captivated by te smell of good food and te sounds of te rides and te music. Te promise of adventure consumed me. I m not sure wo noticed it first, but soon te questions starting coming: Were is Jonatan? Were do you tink e went? Were was te last place anyone saw im? Concern rose to panic as te frigtening reality settled in: Jonatan was nowere to be found. We quickly divided up into groups and began to retrace our steps as best as possible. We decided to reconvene at a cosen location after a set amount of time. Ten minutes passed, and ten twenty. Still no Jonatan. We gatered, divided, and searced again. Tis time I informed a security officer, and te Disney staff began searcing as well. Tirty minutes passed, and ten forty. No Jonatan. My eart raced faster tan I ever knew it could. My eyes scoured te crowds as I looked for my son. Were do all tese people come from? I wondered as I politely yet quickly wove in and out of tem. Concern rose to panic as te frigtening reality settled in: Jonatan was nowere to be found. Fifty minutes ad passed, and ten sixty. Still no sign of Jonatan. Te sounds of te rides suddenly became an annoyance. Te smell of food made me feel ill. Wat ad been a place of pleasure just over an our before ad devolved into a locus of anguis. I realized tat witout my son, tis was no magic kingdom. And ten... tere e stood in te distance. Wen I first noticed im, Jonatan was looking at some baubles in a gift sop, unaware of te grief e ad just put us all troug. Jonatan ad become caugt up by te sigts, sounds, and souvenirs tat Disneyland ad placed so invitingly for im to see. He was so engrossed tat e ad wandered off to enjoy tem all by imself, not even realizing e was lost.

15 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 5 Jonatan smiled at me, and I rused toward im, simultaneously wanting to ug im and spank im rigt tere. I was grateful e was alive yet also disappointed tat e ad wandered off from us. Wit mixed emotions I wrapped my arms around im. Te story of te prodigal son became all too real in my mind at tat moment. Sure, te similarities between Jonatan s actions and te rebellious son in te parable didn t entirely line up, but te concept of finding a cild wo was once lost and rusing to tat cild wit a eart full of bot frustration and elation seemed far more plausible tan ever before. Wile Jonatan was lost, I would ave given anyting I ad in order to find im. I felt tat way despite te fact tat e was te one wo ad cosen to wander off. I felt tat way despite te nagging regret I ad for becoming so engaged in te activities around me tat I lost track of im. We bot contributed to te problem in our own way, but, as te fater, I was ultimately responsible. Te Journey of Kingdom Parenting Parents, some of you are just beginning your journey in raising kingdom kids, and your eyes are filled wit te bliss of tose parents standing in line to board an enjoyable ride at Disneyland. Oters of you ave teenagers wo are walking wit te Lord and on te rigt pat, but you are seeking wisdom on ow to guide tem troug te transition from te youtful innocence of Fantasyland to te more turbulent times waiting in Tomorrowland. Still oters may ave cildren wo ave walked away from te Lord. Teir fairy tales ave morped into tragedies, and you want to know ow to point your kids back ome. And oters are facing te callenges of a blended family wose members may not even want to be at te park at all. Tis book will meet eac of you in a different place on your parenting pat. Regardless of were you are, if you apply te principles we are about to explore, you will experience teir fruits in your ome. By intentionally applying tese principles, you will reinforce one of te primary traits of a ealty ome: onor. You will onor your kids by placing a ig enoug value on tem to warrant te time and energy needed to parent well.

16 6 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS We re Not Perfect by Priscilla Sirer My family wasn t perfect. (I m certain my dad and mom would agree.) But my parents made sure tat our family was extremely purposeful. Tey worked ard to intentionally and deliberately create an environment were tey could transfer te principles tey believed in to my siblings and me. And yet it s often only wit te indsigt of age tat a cild can truly begin to appreciate and understand te effort and initiative involved in a process like tat. Te more te years gater beind me, te more easily I can recognize te sacrifice and diligence tat suc intentional parenting requires, not to mention ow critical it is to giving a cild any cance at maturing into a successful adult. I didn t really get it at te time. I found te boundaries and discipline of our upbringing to be strict. But I get it now. I get it. Daddy and Mommy constructed a bubble of sorts for us to live in. Home life was padded wit instruction in God s Word, discipline in life lessons (suc as saving and titing our money), manners ( No elbows on te table! ), and good work etics. We ad lots of fun wit our friends, but we played mostly at our ome instead of teirs because my parents were so careful about te kinds of influences we migt encounter somewere else. Sure, tat meant taking on te exausting work of aving a dozen sweaty kids track muddy prints in and out of te kitcen for snacks and Kool-Aid during games of basketball and Ping-Pong. But our parents did it for a reason. And tey did it for us. Wen we weren t at ome, we were at curc or at scool a simple, quaint, Cristian scool tat reinforced te lessons taugt at ome. Public scool came during our ig scool years. But even ten, my parents were very involved in our studies and our friendsips. Tey were watcing, stewarding, seperding. Tey just seemed to ave tis knowing inside a deep, inner consciousness about te culture. Tey knew teir job as parents couldn t be

17 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 7 passive. Tey knew tey needed to figt aggressively against te low values and standards of te common crowd, te crude lasciviousness tat was trying to seep into our minds and earts, our attitudes and opinions, our actions and emotions. So tey put on teir gloves... and fougt. And now tat I m older, I m grateful for it. I can see it all more clearly. I recognize te wrinkles around te eyes tat were wittled out of long nigts and loving discipline. In fact, I never tougt I d say tis, but... I want tose wrinkles, too. And I m working on tem as ard as I can. Tat s wy I m sitting tese tree sons of mine around a dinner table tonigt, just as my parents did, and teacing tem God s Word. I won t allow myself to be lulled to sleep and disengage from teir education, teir friendsips, teir influences. And togeter wit teir fater, I ll be intentional and purposeful in teir lives every precious day tat God gives us to sare wit tem under our roof, until tey spread teir wings and fly out of tis nest off to teir own were, opefully, te cycle will continue. Werever you are on tis patway of parenting, God as a word for you. It s never too early nor is it ever too late to start applying biblical principles to parenting and watc God bring about te growt and te fruit. You may ave regrets about te past and poor decisions you ave made, but tis is not te time to stop trying. As te saying goes, only a fool trips on wat is beind im. Seize today, and start now if you aven t yet done so. I regretted not keeping a closer eye on our youngest cild tat day at Disneyland, but tat didn t mean I didn t do everyting I could to find im. Just as Jonatan got so caugt up in te sigts, sounds, and smells of te park, it is easy for kids to get caugt up in wat our world so tantalizingly sets before tem: social media, television, gaming, and peer groups. Tey may not even realize tey ave strayed off te family pat. As a parent, it is your responsibility to locate tem, guide tem, and bring tem back.

18 8 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Kingdom Parenting in a Fallen World It is easy for parents to get so caugt up in te sigts, sounds, and smells of teir careers, entertainment, social lives, and even curc commitments tat tey lose track of teir kids as I did wit Jonatan. Because parents ave neglected teir responsibilities to teir cildren, tere is caos in te kingdom (see Isaia 3:12). Tankfully our story of losing Jonatan at Disneyland ad a appy ending. But not all stories at Disneyland end tat way. Tese stories don t normally it te eadlines because tey are frequently swept under te carpet by te public-relations police, but te Magic Kingdom as ad its own sare of tragic endings. Over te years, tere ave been people wo ave actually lost teir lives at Disneyland or Disney World. One visitor died wen a cable olding back an enormous ancor broke on te pirate sip. A registered nurse witnessed te scene and rused to try and save te victim. Later, a colleague of mine wo knows te nurse told me se said, It came as suc a sock. One minute everyone was appy and life seemed perfect, and te next minute a lady was dying before me. You just never tink wen you wake up to go to Disneyland tat you migt be going tere to watc someone die. 1 Tragedy asn t struck just tose witin te park, toug. Due to Walt Disney s enormous success, e was able to buy a new ome for is parents in Nort Hollywood near te Disney studios. Yet less tan a mont after moving in, Disney s mom died of aspyxiation due to an improperly installed leaking furnace. Clearly, te Magic Kingdom isn t always so magical after all. Neiter is te kingdom of te world tat we are born into a kingdom tat surrounds us every day (see Epesians 2:1-4; Mattew 12:25-26). Wile te world olds te glitter of success and te lure of te fles, it also comes wit te promise of deat (see Proverbs 14:12; 16:25; Mattew 7:13; 1 Corintians 15:21-22). Yet despite tis reality, in so many ways it is easy to get caugt up in and distracted by tat wic appeals to our sinful nature. Not only can we get lost and tus drop te baton of kingdom parenting, but our kids can get snared as well (see 2 Timoty 2:26), particularly if we as parents

19 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 9 lack te tools and skills necessary to parent well because we didn t ave good parenting strategies modeled for us. It is difficult for a parent to pass on a fait tat e or se does not possess. Te best way for you to inspire your kids to ave teir own fait is for tem to witness your fait not only in your words, but also in your actions. It is also difficult to pass on life skills you ave not yet applied in your own situations. To parent well requires intentional personal growt in te art of living well, since muc of parenting revolves around a cild s innate ability to pattern te tougts and actions of is or er parents. Te first responsibility in parenting well is tat you yourself are Clearly, te Magic Kingdom isn t always so magical after all. growing and developing as a ealty individual spiritually, pysically, mentally, and socially. I witnessed te damage of young people parenting prematurely not long ago wen I went to Baltimore to visit my own parents. As I sat on te porc and looked at te neigborood I ad grown up in, I grew saddened by wat I saw. No longer did te omes contain two-parent families. Windows ad been boarded up trougout, a tangible symbol of te state witin. Not too far from my parents ome sat two young women, talking loudly enoug for me to ear. Eac was a single parent, and eac was complaining about ow roug life was raising kids wile also trying to survive. Midway troug teir conversation, one of te ladies turned my way and said someting; I don t remember wat. I answered and ten joined teir discussion by asking tem teir names. I asked tem to tell me teir stories. As tey began to talk, despair registered in teir words. Prases suc as, I m not, I can t, and I don t know, punctuated teir sentences. How do you make it? I asked, curious if public assistance was actually enoug. Me and my two kids live wit my grandma, one woman replied. Se paused and ten added in a wisper, And I sell drugs. Tat s te only way I know ow to make it.

20 10 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Her friend cimed in, peraps trying to cover for er, We don t ave anyone to elp us. In oter words, tey didn t ave any ope of a brigter tomorrow for temselves, let alone for teir kids. At te eart of bot of tese ladies troubles as well as in te earts of people trougout our country is te opelessness tat comes as a result of poor parenting. We are witnessing a generation of parentless people wo, eiter troug neglect, abuse, or simple absence, are becoming parents temselves. And so te cycle continues. You know te statistics. Nearly 50 percent of all te cildren in America are being raised in single-parent Eiter troug neglect, abuse, or simple absence, we are witnessing a generation of parentless people wo are becoming parents temselves. omes. Over tree million kids drop out of scool eac year. Hig scool dropouts commit 75 percent of all crimes in our nation. 2 Nearly one million teen girls get pregnant every year, burdening our already fragile economy troug taxation expenses of nearly ten billion dollars annually, 3 not to mention te ig emotional, pysical, and spiritual cost on young moters and teir cildren. Curces no longer old te appeal for our young people as tey did in te past. As a result, curces are closing teir doors at an alarming rate wit somewere around eigt to ten tousand sutting down eac year. 4 Urban problems now burden suburban centers wit many of tese same issues as well; drug use in suburbia more tan doubled in te last decade. 5 Homicide is now te second leading cause of deat for young people between te ages of fifteen to twenty-four. 6 Bullying as become an epidemic. Hopelessness is at an all-time ig. Antidepressants are taken at nearly te same rate as vitamins, wit over four million teenagers on some form of medication for te mind. 7 I don t need to go over more statistics because you ve already seen te

21 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 11 alarming trends on te evening news, online, or in te papers. Te culture in wic we are seeking to raise our kids is clearly not a magic kingdom at all, altoug it declares itself as just tat on te marquee of life. Let me illustrate wat I mean wit a story. Long ago, tere lived a man wo sold pork as a butcer. He ad never bougt any pigs, rater e slaugtered wild pigs by te undreds. A man from a neigboring town asked im one day, How do you catc all of tese wild pigs? Te man replied, It s easy. I just stick a big troug of food out tere down low enoug for te piglets. Ten wen te piglets come to eat, te parents follow. Wile tey are getting used to it eac day, I start putting up a fence at nigt. Just one side. I do anoter side every nigt until all I ave left is a gate. Eventually tey come in, distracted by te sweetness of te food, and I close te gate witout teir ever knowing wat ad appened. In order to raise our kids wit te skills to not only survive but also to trive in te world, we need to raise cildren wit te ability to discern wat te world puts in front of tem to lure tem into bondage weter tat be emotional, spiritual, financial, or relational. We need to teac our kids ow to look for te fences Satan seeks to erect in teir minds and in teir earts (2 Corintians 10:5). We need to raise tem in a discerning environment. Because even toug we live witin te demonic influences of te prince of te power of tis air in a world smoldering wit strife, tantalizing temptations, and rebellion, we do not belong to tis kingdom, and we ave been given te ability to overcome. For Crist as rescued us from te domain of darkness, and transferred us to te kingdom of His beloved Son (Colossians 1:13). Te Kingdom Mindset Parents, you ave been called to raise kingdom kids in God s kingdom. And His kingdom functions according to His rules and under His autority. In God s kingdom, He gives te agenda, and we are to advance it. In God s kingdom, te glory is His, and we are to reflect it. In God s kingdom, He provides te covenantal covering under wic we are to submit and flouris. Kingdom parenting involves intentionally overseeing te generational

22 12 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS transfer of te fait in suc a way tat cildren learn to consistently live all of life under God s divine autority. Te command to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28) wasn t given simply so parents would ave look-alikes. Rater, it was given so God would ave look-alikes. Te creation of umankind Kingdom parenting involves intentionally overseeing te generational transfer of te fait in suc a way tat cildren learn to consistently live all of life under God s divine autority. was establised so man would be an image bearer of God Himself. Tis concept is captured in Genesis 1:26 Let us make man in our image. Terefore, te goal of people in general and te family in particular is to mirror God in te visible realm predicated on His reality in te invisible realm. Tis obviously doesn t mean to mirror wat God looks like, since none of us know wat He truly looks like. It means we are to mirror His nature, caracter, values, and principles. It is essential tat parents teac teir cildren te importance of submitting to God s legitimate autority in teir lives. Troug tat submission to Him comes teir greatest influence and impact for Him. Adam and Eve were meant to bring teir cildren under divine rule as a reflection of teir own submission to God, and we as parents are to do te same. Te family is to be te replication of te image of God in istory. Cildren are image bearers of our great God and King wo seeks to promote His kingdom agenda, wic is te visible manifestation of His compreensive rule over every area of life. Kingdom isn t a word we ear muc about in Cristian circles, and so before moving on, let me quickly set te stage. God as one agenda: To glorify Himself troug te advancement of His kingdom. Te Greek word te Bible uses for kingdom is basileia, wic translates as rule or autority. 8 Intrinsic witin tis rule or autority is power. So wen we discuss te kingdom, we are also discussing a king and a ruler wit power.

23 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 13 Now, if tere s a ruler, tere also ave to be rulees (tose ruled); a realm (te spere over wic te ruler rules); and regulations (guidelines tat govern te relationsip between te ruler and te rulees). God s kingdom includes tese tree elements. He is te absolute Ruler of all creation, and His autority is final. At te eart of te kingdom agenda is te reality tat tere is no separation between te sacred and te secular. All of life is spiritual because all of life comes under God s rule. Terefore, every issue mirrors God s nature and principles related to tat specific area and tus reflects and promotes His agenda in istory. God as made Jesus Crist te sovereign over all of umankind s kingdoms (see Mattew 28:18; Colossians 1:13 18). His rule is to be represented in istory by tose wo are a part of His kingdom (see Mattew 28:19; Epesians 1:22 23). And just in case you are wondering, tere are no in-between kingdoms. Tere are only two realms in creation: te kingdom of God and te kingdom of Satan. You are subject to one or te oter. Raising kingdom kids includes orienting tem to God s kingdom, His principles, and te reality of His agenda on eart. God Blessed Tem It is also important to note tat prior to te day wen God gave te command to be fruitful and multiply, we read tat God blessed tem (Genesis 1:28). In oter words, He provided Adam and Eve wit all tey needed to carry out His command. After all, te true definition of a blessing is tat God provides te resources for wat He asks you to do. It involves bot enjoying and extending His provision in your life. Te blessing is not only for te parents; it is also for te benefit of te cildren wo would ten bring about te expansion of God s image in His people. Tis blessing enabled Adam and Eve to fill te eart and also to extend God s blessing trougout te land to tose wo came after

24 14 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS tem as tey establised families of teir own. Tat same blessing is tere for you, too, in your parenting role. God establised te family as a conduit of blessing, providing bot te opportunity and framework for individuals to collectively carry out His plan in istory. In particular, tat plan includes te implementation of His kingdom rule, or dominion, on eart. My definition of dominion means ruling on God s bealf so tat all of life comes under His autority. Cildren are te divinely ordained means of bringing te world under te dominion of Jesus Crist. Te reason Satan continually attacks te family is tat te family was specifically created as te cannel troug wic God s kingdom would be reproduced, as kingdom kids were raised to become kingdom parents in teir own omes. Tis is precisely wy cildbearing and parenting are so critical to te program of God. God foretold tat it would be te woman s seed tat would destroy te serpent (see Genesis 3:15). And Paul wrote in te New Testament tat women would be preserved troug cildbearing (see 1 Timoty 2:15). In bearing and raising godly cildren, women participate in te kingdom of God, wic overrules te kingdom of Satan. In tis way a kingdom woman as te privilege of symbolically reversing wat appened to Eve in te garden as a woman bears and raises new lives committed to God s trut (1 Timoty 2:14). Troug parenting, eac of us raises kingdom kids to be kingdom men and women so tat God s purposes are fully manifested on eart, and countless more are usered into a saving knowledge of Jesus Crist. So ten, kingdom parenting is more tan a social enterprise; it is at its core a spiritual and teological imperative. Kingdom parents raise kingdom kids to fulfill God s plans and purposes for families, not wat te culture intends. Our culture is seeking to redefine marriage and family in suc a way tat it no longer reflects ow our Lord designed it. It is critical tat we model godly parenting and marriages to our kids so tey ave te opportunity to see firstand wat kingdom families look like. Yet unfortunately today, our Cristian culture as bougt into te secular culture in redefining cildren as burdens rater tan blessings. Reducing te

25 Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 15 sizes of our families by reducing te number of cildren we bring into te world also reduces our capacity to be blessed. Scripture tells us tat cildren are a gift from God. We read in te book of Psalms, Beold, cildren are a gift of te Lord, te fruit of te womb is a reward (127:3). Cildren are a blessing and yet ironically tey are te one blessing we often seek to limit in our lives. But if we were to view cildren troug te lens of kingdom dominion and influence as God views tem I tink we would ave a different attitude about ow many cildren we bring into our omes, as well as te priority we place on tem once tey are tere. Yet in order to raise kids equipped to fulfill teir roles in God s kingdom, we are going to ave to be intentional about our parenting. After all, it is far easier to sape a cild tan to repair an adult. Kingdom parenting is more tan a social enterprise; it is at its core a spiritual and teological imperative. And tat s true even if you find yourself approacing tis monumental task alone. Numbers of you reading tis book are raising your kids witout te elp of anoter parent. Maybe you ave been widowed, divorced, not ever married, or you are married to a spouse wo doesn t sare te same values as you or is not involved in te development of your kids. Watever te case, let te Scriptures encourage you tat you can do tis well. Never underestimate te power of God wen He is called upon and looked to as te source of strengt, wisdom, and provision (Pilippians 4:13). Te Bible tells us tat Timoty, one of te great leaders in te early curc, ad a Greek fater, wo ad apparently rejected God. His dad ad never read Kingdom Man, and e certainly wasn t living up to te title. Yet Timoty still wound up faitfully serving God due to is mom and is grandmoter s impact. If you are raising your kids alone, remember Timoty. Keep im and wat God did troug im at te forefront of your mind. Even if you are a single parent, God as a plan for your kids. Commit your way to Him in all you do,

26 16 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS It is far easier to sape a cild tan to repair an adult. and your kids will reap te benefits of aving a parent wo models biblical disciplesip. Kingdom kids don t need perfect parents. Kingdom kids need purposeful parents wo seek to understand and apply God s principles in teir omes. I applaud you for picking up tis book and making use of oter resources in order to better equip yourselves as parents under God. May God guide and bless your journey of raising kingdom kids so you will experience te great joy of seeing your cildren and grandcildren walking in His trut (see Proverbs 17:6; 3 Jon 1:4) and making a kingdom impact. No matter wat your successes or failures ave been up to tis point, it is my desire tat tis book elps take you to te next level on your quest to raise kingdom kids.

27 2 ASHER AND THE ELEPHANT Remember Mayzie, te lazy bird from Dr. Seuss s Horton Hatces te Egg? Se lamented: I m tired and I m bored And I ve kinks in my leg From sitting, just sitting ere day after day. It s work! How I ate it! I d muc rater play! I d take a vacation, fly off for a rest If I could find someone to stay on my nest! 1 If you ve ever ad toddlers in your ome, you ave probably read more tan your sare of Dr. Seuss s books to tem. You migt ave even inadvertently memorized some by now. Dr. Seuss artfully combines silliness wit language finesse, but e s not typically known for moral instruction. One exception is Horton Hatces te Egg. Tis clever tale of parenting invites readers to look at te more essential components of being a parent. Commitment, connectedness, gentleness, resiliency, strengt, caracter, and kindness sow up in te pages of tis book. Tose traits subsequently transfer te likeness of te parent to te cild. Horton Hatces te Egg is te tale of a blended family. Te story begins wit

28 18 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Mayzie, wo gives up on te ard work of parenting and finds an elepant to take er place. Horton, an elepant of is word, sits on te egg for monts on end, repeating te now famous line, I meant wat I said And I said wat I meant... An elepant s faitful One undred percent! 2 Horton s ome life wit Mayzie s egg ends up callenging im in multiple ways. Te job also takes im to many unexpected places tat user in ardsips and even criticism from is friends. Ultimately captured by unters, stuck on a boat for a treacerous sea adventure, and finally placed in a traveling circus Horton remains nested on te egg. Wen te circus winds up in Florida, Mayzie, wo as been selfisly vacationing tere all along, spots er egg and decides to reclaim it now tat all te ard work as been done. However, wen te life in te egg emerges from te cracked sell, wat it as grown into resembles Horton. It as developed into an elepant-bird. Tus, Horton and is new baby are promptly returned to te jungle to appily live out teir days, wile Mayzie is punised for er laziness and irresponsibility. It is a cild s story, yet it carries an overtly adult message: Successful parenting comes troug commitment, dedication, love, and ard work. Successful parenting also users in a lifetime of reward. Blended Families Te family unit in our nation today is no longer largely comprised of biological cildren in te ome. We often ave blended families, were one or bot parents are raising cildren tey did not originally produce. I m very familiar wit tis concept because our daugter Crystal as a blended family of er own. Yet wile two biological parents may be ideal, te underlying traits found in a ealty ome aren t merely tied to genetics. Rater, tey are tied to te kingdom principles of parenting, illustrated for us troug an elepant named

29 Aser and te Elepant 19 Horton commitment, connectedness, gentleness, resiliency, strengt, caracter, and kindness. Watever your family makeup, tere is always ope tat you can build a kingdom ome. Stay on te nest, and you ll find tat te principles in tis book can transform your family. Horton te elepant isn t te only elepant wit a moral to teac. In fact, we can learn a lot from a group of orpaned adolescent bull elepants in Sout Africa s Pilanesberg Park tat began to act unruly. Tese elepants ad reaced an age were tey experienced periods of ig ormonal levels, resulting in teir more aggressive beavior. Left uncecked by teir parents, tese adolescent bulls became extremely dangerous able to go on a rampage at any time. Te park rangers cose to address te situation by adding mentors to te elepants natural environment. Wen adolescent bulls break away from te erd in te wild, older bulls become teir mentors. As a result, te adolescent bulls submit to te presence and te power of te older bulls among tem. In fact, tey learn ow to direct teir ormonal upswings in responsible ways tat are productive to te erd rater tan destructive. Wen te park rangers introduced adult bulls into te living space of te adolescents, te result was exactly wat tey ad anticipated. Were tere ad been caos, tere was now calm. Te fater Rater tan looking to te Wite House to fix all of our ills, we ougt to be looking to our own ouses to do just tat. elepants completed te environment so tat te young elepants received te guidance tey needed to live well. 3 Wile elepants can t be compared to umans on all levels, te principles evident in teir interactions reflect wat psycologists observe in teenagers today. So many teenagers are living a life of caos simply because tey are lacking parental involvement and dedication. Parenting is so essential to te development of a boy becoming a man and a girl becoming a woman tat many, if not most, of te issues tat plague us as a nation today would be eradicated if we

30 20 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS would just master tis one ting. Rater tan looking to te Wite House to fix all of our ills, we ougt to be looking to our own ouses to do just tat. As goes te family, so goes te nation. Wen te family breaks down, everyting tat s supposed to be built on tat sacred foundation crumbles wit it. And so God s kingdom on eart (made up of te body of Crist) is now reaping te devastation of family disintegration. Wen parents fail to provide teir cildren wit te tools necessary to resist te culture s onrus, te rising tide of secularism wases away a generation of cildren like sand castles on te sores of life. As we saw wit te illustration of Horton, te bull elepants, and as I ave personally witnessed in many successful blended omes, family commitment is a trait tat transcends DNA and can produce great results. A strong sense of commitment is te foundation for a strong, fully functional ome. Aspects of commitment include dependence on eac oter, A strong sense of commitment is te foundation for a strong, fully functional ome loyalty, onesty, and trust as well as developing goals and dreams togeter as a family. Commitment focuses on a cild s proper development. In fact, a cild s development is so critical tat, in biblical times, wenever a young boy was earmarked to become a king, many people took muc care in training tat cild about ow to be a king. Yet somewere along te line, we ave come to believe tat te princes and princesses in God s kingdom don t need any significant training at all. Just as we saw in te illustration of te elepants, parental modeling and involvement impact te young. We see tis impact sow up in te life of a man many of you ave never eard of: Aser. Aser s Blended Home Let s face it: Te Cronicles aren t te most exciting read. But idden among te myriad difficult-to-pronounce names lies one of te greatest treasures of

31 Aser and te Elepant 21 kingdom parenting we ave. His name was Aser, wic in Hebrew means appy. 4 In 1 Cronicles 7 (as well as in Genesis 46:17), we read te genealogy of is descendants. It starts wit is five cildren four boys and a girl. As te only girl in te group, no doubt is daugter, Sera, eld a special place in Aser s eart. We know tis for a number of reasons. It is said in Jewis rabbinical literature tat Sera is actually Aser s stepdaugter, tus making Aser a fater of a blended ome. Se was te daugter of a woman named Hadura, wo ad become a widow early on. History records tat Hadura married Aser wen Sera was just tree years old, and e raised er as is own cild. So loved and welcomed into te family was Sera tat se is te only granddaugter mentioned in te entire lineage of Jacob, er grandfater. Piety and virtue, toug, were not someting Aser could ave claimed for imself wen e was a young man, altoug e later went on to live a life accented wit great wisdom. In is yout, Aser did someting tat was terribly wrong by anyone s standards. He joined in on a selfis and ard-earted sceme to ave is alf-broter, Josep, trown into a pit and later sold as a slave to a traveling caravan eaded to Egypt. Peraps due to is own early misdeeds, te ensuing guilt as e watced is beloved fater grieve, as well as te subsequent near-starvation of is people at te start of te seven-year drougt, Aser became a canged man. Maybe it came troug witnessing Josep model a spirit of carity, mercy, and grace to is family. We don t really know wat brougt about is transformation, but we do know te legacy e ended up leaving beind a legacy of great wisdom, fait, caracter, and service to is nation. It s a legacy tat as impacted generations of is descendants. Aser s legacy ougt to give eac of us ope, especially tose wo may not ave started out on te best possible footing as parents. Aser made mistakes early on big ones tat armed is original family. He certainly didn t ave it all togeter. In addition, e was raised in one of te most istorically dysfunctional omes ever to be recorded biblically. Sprinkle on top of tat te added burdens of a blended family of is own four sons and a stepdaugter wile married to a woman wo ad been married once before, and most migt not

32 22 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS ave considered tat Aser would ave produced muc of anyting lasting at all. But e did. In fact, is is a great legacy and a model for kingdom parenting today. Tat legacy is recorded for us in 1 Cronicles 7:40 were we read, All tese were te sons of Aser, eads of te faters ouses, coice and migty men of valor, eads of te princes. And te number of tem enrolled by genealogy for service in war was 26,000 men. Tey Call Me Mommy by Crystal Evans Hurst Tey call me Mommy. It s a five-letter word tat my cildren use all day, every day, undreds and tousands of times a day. And it means... I need you... I m urting... Help me... Can we talk?... Love me... and Wat s for dinner? Tey use tat word so loosely. Tey use tat word a lot. Tey use it wenever tey need to find me. Wy? Because tey know tat I old te keys. Tey know I old te keys to watever will make it onto teir dinner plates tat evening. Tey know tat if anybody can get te splinter out, I can. Tey know tat if anyone will love tem, I will. But tat common name means so muc more. It means tat I am responsible, along wit my usband, for training tem in rigteousness. It means tat I ave to sape teir earts and teir caracter in a way tat will prepare tem for te plans God as for teir lives. It means tat tey will learn from me ow tey are to parent teir own cildren someday.

33 Aser and te Elepant 23 And it s scary. It s a little unsettling to tink tat you could mess up your kids, isn t it? I know I m not perfect, but someow tat fact is grossly magnified under te lens of my role in te lives of my family. Aser s story comforts me. He didn t get it rigt at first eiter. And ten, wen e grew up and became a man, e didn t ave te picture-perfect family. But tat didn t stop is cildren from becoming leaders caracterized by bravery, excellence, and influence. My parents did a great job raising us. Really. Tey did. Tey will tell you tat tey don t arbor many regrets. Tat s wonderful to ear. But I want to encourage tose wo may be reading tis book on raising kingdom kids and tinking, Well, tis couldn t apply to me. I ve messed up too badly to be a positive influence in te lives of my cildren. Enter Aser. He messed up too. After bad decisions, e committed imself to make good ones going forward. Enter te blended family. A perfectly nuclear family was not a prerequisite for God to work troug Aser to produce godly people. Enter impact. As I ve eard my fater say many times, God can it a bull s-eye wit a crooked stick. And wile Aser and maybe you and I may not ave ad a straigt start, God can work miracles. So as you read tis book and arm yourself wit knowledge to elp you in your parenting journey... Know tat wen your cildren call out for you, Mommy and Daddy are not titles to be eld loosely. You are not common. You old a crucial place and ave significant value in te life of your cildren, now and in te future tey will experience. And if you coose, starting now, to ave a kingdom ome, you can ave an impact beyond your wildest dreams.

34 24 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS No wonder Aser was a appy man. He did not look at is five cildren as getting on is last nerve. Rater, e was a satisfied man wo was intentional in caring for is offspring and tose under is care. As a result, e and is descendants truly lived out is fater s blessing: Of Aser [Moses] said, More blessed tan sons is Aser; may e be favored by is broters, and may e dip is foot in oil. Your locks will be iron and bronze, and according to your days, so will your leisurely walk be (Deuteronomy 33:24 25). Raising Leaders Te first parenting principle we can learn from te life of Aser is tat is sons were te eads of te fater s ouses. Aser raised is sons, and also is daugter, to be leaders. Tey weren t just anging around te ouse, eating food and taking up space. According to 1 Cronicles 7:40, tese men grew up to fulfill a leadersip role. (In te Bible, eadsip refers to a leadersip position witin a ome.) Aser took is role as te ead of is ome seriously and subsequently raised up leaders over teir omes as well. As a leader, Aser and is sons set te tone and direction for teir omes and ensuing generations. One of te worst tings tat can appen to a family is to ave parents wo do not adequately fulfill teir leadersip roles. Tey want to be called parents witout te commitment of parenting. Yet eadsip in te Bible isn t a title; it s a responsibility. In order to claim te title, a leader must also own te responsibility tat goes along wit it. I can t say tat I want to be a preacer and not want to preac. I can t say tat I want to be a pastor and not want to seperd my congregation. Tat would be taking a title and misusing it. Likewise, parents need to fulfill te responsibilities tat come witin teir role, and tat includes preparing teir cildren to do te same. Second, Aser raised is cildren to excel in all tings. We discern tis from te descriptive terminology used to introduce tem. Te Bible says tey were coice men. It was rare in istorical Jewis culture to record muc of anyting about women, but taking into account oter verses referencing Sera, we can discern tat se grew to be a coice lady as well. Aser s descendants went on to become coice men; tese individuals

35 Aser and te Elepant 25 grew up to become top of te line in all tat tey did. Aser and is wife raised coice cildren, tose of great etical caracter wo accepted teir responsibilities. Tey eld ig standards tat wouldn t allow tem to settle for mediocrity. As parents, tey most likely communicated ig expectations to teir cildren. Clearly expressed expectations coupled wit consistent follow-troug produce responsible kids. Tese cildren were not just trying to make it and get by, still living wit Mom and Dad long after tey were pysically able to work and provide for temselves. Neiter were tese young adults postponing te responsibilities of life as long as possible by pursuing degree after degree. Aser didn t raise is cildren to be like tat. Rater, e raised tem in a spirit of excellence and integrity. Even toug e didn t ave a perfect track record, e sougt to better is own caracter wile steering is cildren to a iger plane tan e ad experienced. Kingdom parents, if you are satisfied wit your kids being mediocre, ten mediocre migt be all tat you are going to get. If you don t raise te bar, ow can your kids experience anyting better? You run te risk of Clearly expressed expectations coupled wit consistent followtroug produce responsible kids. tem becoming mediocre adults wo marry mediocre spouses because tat s all your kids know and understand. But if you raise te bar, wat migt appen? Your kids could become like Aser s cildren. You could raise tem to be te cream of te crop to aim for excellence in all tings. Tese days, in a room tat is crowded wit no more seats available, it amazes me tat men will allow women to stand for an inordinate amount of time. My fater would ave corrected me sternly if I ever let a woman stand for an extended period of time wile I was seated. Today we ve got a generation of cildren being raised witout te simplest notion of etiquette, common courtesy, respect, onor, excellence, and integrity. Wy? Because we ave a generation of parents wo are so distracted by te sigts, sounds, and smells of life s adventures tat tey simply settle for mediocrity in bot temselves and

36 26 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS teir offspring. It s easier tat way. However, trifling cildren typically grow up to become trifling adults and, in te long run, tat isn t easy at all. Obviously not everyone is going to excel in everyting. Raising kingdom kids wo are coice simply means tey will maximize teir personal potential and God-given gifts. Maybe tey won t be in te top of teir particular class in every subject, but watever it is tat God as created tem to fulfill, tey will do so wit a degree of excellence, and tey will do all else to te best of teir abilities. Te tird lesson we can learn is tat Aser raised warriors. According to 1 Cronicles 7:40, e raised migty men of valor. Tis describes individuals wo are brave, courageous, and willing to risk temselves for te betterment of te wole. Valor means boldness. A person of valor is willing to take a stand wen a stand needs to be taken. Aser raised cildren wo grew into adults of conviction. Too many of our cildren crumble under te pressure of teir peers rater tan rise above te fray. Tey are indecisive, taking a stand for little or noting at all. To raise kingdom kids, we must instill in tem a eart of valor a spirit tat will stay strong despite te callenges and enemies tat tey migt face on any given day. Scripture tells us tat Satan roams around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). A kingdom kid must be adequately equipped wit knowledge and wisdom in order to be prepared for te spiritual battle tat surrounds im or er. Aser raised cildren wo were ready. Finally, Aser raised cildren wo would serve oters. Tey became mentors. We read tat tey were eads of princes. Essentially, Aser mentored leaders wo were ten positioned to influence te kingdom as mentors temselves. A prince is a king waiting to appen. By raising princes, Aser s cildren influenced society. Parents, keep in mind tat strong families are always connected to te community in some way. A ealty ome is not an isolated ome it s a ome were family members are encouraged to get involved in local activities, as well as service opportunities in te community and beyond. Aser s cildren not only took care of temselves (coice men), teir own omes (eads of te faters ouses), teir own community (migty men of valor); tey also took care of teir country (eads of princes). Aser raised kingdom kids wo understood tat te stability and advancement of te kingdom

37 Aser and te Elepant 27 began wit tem, weaving troug teir families into teir congregations and communities and ultimately impacting teir nation. Unfortunately, today many parents ave lost sigt of te long-term impact teir cildren will one day make. As a result, some parents spend more time training teir dogs tan tey do teir kids. Tey rarely play wit tem, study te Bible wit tem, take tem to curc, discuss wat was taugt, correct tem wen tey are wrong, give tem a vision and a dream, develop teir caracter, instill godly virtues, and so on. Tey don t do any of tese tings or tey do tem alfeartedly and ten tey wonder wy teir cildren turn out te way tat tey do. Rater tan reaping te generational cycles of victory Aser and is wife experienced, tey wind up wit generational cycles of collapse passed on from teir kids to teir grandkids and so on. Instead of positive patterns being transferred, tey transfer a DNA of defeat. First Cronicles 7:40 concludes wit tis summary of successful parenting: And te number of tem enrolled by genealogy for service in war was 26,000 men. Keep in mind tat Aser ad only Some parents spend more time training teir dogs tan tey do teir kids. four boys and a girl. Yet by te time tose five cildren raised teir own families, tere were 26,000 coice men of valor (not including te women of valor wo were undoubtedly produced as well). I ll never forget te birt of my first son. Our first two cildren were girls, so wen Lois gave birt to our tird cild, I waited anxiously in te sitting area outside of te labor room wit my mind fixated on one ting: Will tis be a boy? I desperately wanted to ave te legacy of a son. I was so excited wen I first saw im tat, witout even tinking, I blurted out, His name is Antony Tyrone Evans Jr. I gave im my name because I was so trilled at aving te legacy of a son. As I grew older, God began to develop in me te ability to see His creation more as He does. He opened my eart to tink like a king. Legacy is muc more tan simply passing on te family name. Legacy involves passing on a kingdom worldview and perspective, weter tat involves sons or daugters.

38 28 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Peraps because we tink our daugters will grow up and take on someone else s name, we don t always look at tem troug te legacy-lens. But wen we live life as parents from a kingdom perspective, we grow in our understanding tat we aren t just passing on our name troug our cildren we are passing on God s name, His caracter, and His kingdom agenda. We are reminding tem tat tey no longer ave only our blood flowing troug teir veins; tey ave God s tey ave royal blood. Many of our cildren may struggle wit issues of etnicity as well. One of te greatest lessons my fater instilled in me as a cild growing up in te midst of a country torn by racial disparity As a citizen of eaven and a cild of te King, my fater always taugt me to remember tat I ad royal blood flowing troug my veins. and injustice was tat I was not primarily to identify myself by my etnicity, but rater by my citizenry. As a citizen of eaven and a cild of te King, my fater always taugt me to remember tat I ad royal blood flowing troug my veins. If people called me names or treated me unjustly, e would remind me tat it wasn t a reflection of wo I was it just meant tey failed to realize tat I was a prince in God s kingdom. Parents, tere is a world of princes and princesses in our nation today wo ave no one to tell tem wo tey really are, as my fater told me or Aser told is four sons, stepdaugter, and subsequent grandcildren. No one studies te Bible wit tem, takes tem to curc, corrects tem wen tey are wrong, teaces tem about life, sows tem ow to treat oters, or tells tem wat it means to be responsible and make wise decisions. Tis as resulted in a form of spiritual castration on te part of our young men and spiritual barrenness on te part of our young women. Teir royalty as been stripped from tem by a culture tat fails to even recognize tem as princes or princesses. Today our nation needs men and women wo will fulfill te ig call of kingdom parenting. Our world needs parents wo will act as a police escort, guiding teir cildren safely into te future as tey oversee te covenantal

39 Aser and te Elepant 29 transference of te fait. Parents wo will walk wit teir cildren along te ceckerboard of life until tey finally reac te destination were eac cild can stand tall and say, Crown me. And ten repeat te same cycle in teir own ome. It s an Elepant One day a fater decided to take is daugter to te zoo. Se asked if se could bring some friends along, and er dad agreed, so se invited ten friends to join tem. At te zoo, te kids ran over to were tey were giving elepant rides. Excitedly, te daugter jumped up and down and asked er dad if tey could all go on an elepant ride. Te fater looked at te price, multiplied it by eleven, and sook is ead no. It s too muc, e said. Too muc? is daugter replied. But Daddy, it s an elepant. Yes, e said, but tat s a lot of money. I know, Daddy, se replied, but tat s because it s an elepant. Te fater was looking at te price. Te daugter was looking at te size. It seemed like a lot to im because e just saw te cost, but it didn t seem like a lot to er compared to te size of te elepant. Parents, raising kingdom kids comes wit a ig price tag of time, energy, investment, and many oter tings, but wen you take your eyes off te cost and focus instead on te size of te legacy you are producing, you will realize tat it s wort every single ting tat you invest.

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41 3 THE HEIR AND HEIRESS APPARENT Today we live in a world of outsourcing. Everyting from manufacturing to customer service and computer programming to website development frequently is sent overseas by large corporations needing to limit payroll, uman resource costs, and office space. As outsourcing options ave increased, even smaller companies now view tis as a viable option for srinking costs wile expanding te bottom line. Yet consider wit me wat migt appen if te prince and princess of Cambridge opted for outsourcing te upbringing and training of teir little one, Prince George. Wat if tey relied solely on nannies situated outside te palace walls for is primary teacing and care? Not only would te media ave a eyday, but Prince George wouldn t receive te proper training e requires to one day fulfill is potential role as eir apparent of Great Britain. Wile cildren won t always do wat tey are told, tey will do wat tey see. For a prince in line for a kingsip to know ow to fulfill is role bot in te palace and out, Prince George needs te mentoring and modeling of is fater, William. He also needs te devotion and nurturing of is moter, Kate. Raising kingdom kids requires more tan simply outsourcing tem by sending tem off to Sunday scool on te weekends and scool during te week. It takes more tan access to te television or peer groups. It involves more tan wat your cildren will learn troug surfing te Internet or texting teir friends. In order for you to properly raise your cild as te eir or eiress

42 32 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS apparent tat e or se is, it will take time, attention, investment, and training. Healty families must be intentional in passing on te traits necessary to trive in relationsips, work, morality, manners, Wile cildren won t always do wat tey are told, tey will do wat tey see. and leadersip, as well as in personal fulfillment and purpose. It is said tat in te early years of te Britis monarcy, te eir apparent would receive an entirely different type of training tan te rest of is siblings. From an early age on, tis cild was surrounded wit success in order to instill a leadersip mindset of triump. For instance, games would be rigged so tat te cild would always win, tus building confidence for wen wars would be later fougt. Te monarcy employed a variety of intentional instruction aimed at preparing te young eir for is ultimate ascension to te trone. Our King as a kingdom, and your cildren ave a significant place in it one tat requires specialized instruction and preparation if tey are to experience a victorious kingdom life. Wen your cildren trust in Jesus Crist for teir salvation, tey enter into a position of royalty and priestood, becoming eirs or eiresses wit Crist. In te book of Romans we read, Te Spirit Himself testifies wit our spirit tat we are cildren of God, and if cildren, eirs also, eirs of God and fellow eirs wit Crist (8:16 17). First Peter 2:9 says, You are a cosen race, a royal priestood, a oly nation, a people for God s own possession. And in Revelation we read, You ave made tem to be a kingdom and priests to our God; and tey will reign upon te eart (5:10). Wen you look into tat sweet, cerubic face of your young cild, you are not just viewing a little angel you are viewing royalty. And as royalty, your cild needs to receive te training befitting suc monarcy in te kingdom of God. Keep in mind tat as cildren s legs get longer, teir wings get sorter. Tus tey will need te foundational mindset of ealty kingdom living in order to navigate troug life wit a sin nature tat as te potential to derail tem, and in a world tat aims to defeat tem.

43 Te Heir and Heiress Apparent 33 Surviving and Triving One of te most essential instructions on ow to raise kingdom kids is found in te book of Deuteronomy. Te Israelites are about to cross over into te Promised Land. And wile te Promised Land olds a ost of promises and potential, it also olds a ost of seer messes. Canaanites, Hittites, Jebusites, and more roam te land, bot ready and able to defend it from conquest. Difficulties surround te people of Israel, and culture sock awaits tem. Tus Moses instructs tem tat, if tey want to not only survive but also trive in tis land of promise, te family must become te primary place were fait is transferred. To make it generationally out tere, tey will need to make it generationally in te ome. Te starting point for transferring fait, of course, is te salvation of your cildren. Te greatest ting parents can do for teir cildren is to lead tem to te Lord. As soon as your cild as te cognitive ability to understand bot sin and te gospel, you ave te opportunity to bring tat cild to a saving knowledge of Jesus Crist. Be careful, toug, not to rus tis process; far too many cildren ave no recollection of teir salvation experience because tey were so young wen it appened. As you seek to communicate te gospel to tem, cildren need to truly understand for temselves bot sin and teir need for forgiveness. In addition, after tey are saved, make sure you do not pressure tem to To make it generationally out tere, tey will need to make it generationally in te ome. get baptized, but rater allow tem te opportunity to fully compreend wat baptism expresses publicly. Tat way tey can initiate tis declaration of teir fait as well as remember it wen tey get older. Te single greatest reason wy we are losing our young people today is tat te ome is no longer te place were fait is transferred. Parents, te primary purpose of te ome is te evangelization and disciplesip of your cildren. You cannot outsource tis vital component in te rearing of your cildren. Teir disciplesip requires time and commitment, even toug your time

44 34 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS and commitment migt be divided among too many tings already. I struggled greatly in tis area during te first decade of our family. I ad a ard time coosing were my time and commitments needed to be, largely because I ave tis man ting about my personality if I can do Raising your cild is about muc more tan raising your cild. It is about raising te future. someting, I don t want anoter man doing it for me. Even to tis day, I don t let te bellman take my luggage wen I m traveling. Wen e reaces for it, I tink, I don t need you picking up someting for me! Put tat back down I ve got it! Because of tis, I tried to carry all of te oter responsibilities around te ome mowing te lawn, canging te oil in te car, fixing tings wen I was already stretced tin by starting a curc, leading my family, going to seminary, and ministering to people. One day I finally ad to step back and admit tat it was just too muc. It was more tan I could andle. At tat point, I decided to outsource te tings tat didn t require me personally to do tem, suc as te lawn care, fixing tings around te ouse, and maintenance on te car. And wile tat was difficult for me to swallow, it was a coice I ad to make in order to free up my time to focus on te tings I needed to do like teac my cildren God s Word on an ongoing basis. Tat s no small calling, and it requires time and commitment. Let s read wat Moses ad to say: Hear, O Israel! Te Lord is our God, te Lord is one! You sall love te Lord your God wit all your eart and wit all your soul and wit all your migt. Tese words, wic I am commanding you today, sall be on your eart. You sall teac tem diligently to your sons and sall talk of tem wen you sit in your ouse and wen you walk by te way and wen you lie down and wen you rise up. (Deuteronomy 6:4 7) Moses said tat parents are to teac teir cildren diligently and continually wen tey sit in te ouse, wen tey are out walking, wen tey go to bed, and wen tey get up. Tat pretty muc sums up every possible time. Yet

45 Te Heir and Heiress Apparent 35 for te generation of parents today, te ome is no longer te central place for spiritual development. Raising your cild is about muc more tan raising your cild. It is about raising te future. Moses opened is instructions by declaring tat tis is a multigenerational task tat carries wit it a future-oriented promise. Look at te first two verses of Deuteronomy 6: Now tis is te commandment, te statutes and te judgments wic te Lord your God as commanded me to teac you, tat you migt do tem in te land were you are going over to possess it, so tat you and your son and your grandson migt fear te Lord your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments wic I command you, all te days of your life, and tat your days may be prolonged. Te job of kingdom parenting is imparting a biblical worldview to your cildren, wo will in turn impart te same biblical worldview to your grandcildren in order for it to be lived out into te future so tat generations to come will not only survive, but also trive. A Kingdom Point of View A worldview is te lens troug wic a person views life. It informs decisions, values, and responsibilities because it is te grid by wic a person bot tinks and functions. Parents, if you are providing a ome, clotes, food, and education to your cild but not providing tem wit te foundation of a biblical worldview, you ave not fulfilled your role as provider. If a baseball player its a ome run yet fails to touc first base wen rounding te bases, e will not score wen e crosses ome plate. Likewise, your cildren need you to cover all te bases for living a productive kingdom life or, wen tey reac te place of creating teir own omes, tey will lack te skills necessary to transfer tat fait to teir kids. Moters and faters are meant to be te dominant spiritual influences in te lives of teir cildren. Likewise, a strong marriage as a direct impact on raising strong kids. One of te greatest tings a fater can do for is cildren is to biblically and visually love teir moter. If your marriage is not strong spiritually, ten a primary focus in your parenting needs to be te strengtening of

46 36 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS your relationsip wit your spouse. Couples wit weak marriages tend to rely more on oters to parent teir cildren. Te curc s job is to supplement te training of your cildren as well as to disciple you as parents. Wat is preaced on Sunday sould not be te only spiritual food your cildren receive trougout te week. You don t feed your cildren dinner just one day a week. Legally tat would be considered neglect. Similarly, it is spiritual neglect to fail to onor your cildren by providing te tools tey need to develop spiritually. So let me ask you a question before we dig muc deeper: How often do you sit down wit your cildren wit te intention of imparting a biblical worldview? Eating God s Words by Jonatan Evans I remember vividly dinnertime in te Evans ouseold: sitting down, getting ready to eat my mom s awesome cooking, and feeling excited about all of te fun and laugter we would ave at te table. However, dinnertime at te Evans table, wic appened every evening witout fail, was about muc more tan eating good food and aving fun. I remember dinnertime being te setting were my fater and moter would teac me God s Word. My fater would lead us in devotions and ave eac of us read a Scripture and talk about its meaning. Every evening I remember being reminded tat God s Word is to be te centerpiece of our lives troug wic all decisions are to be made. I was taugt tat God s Word is te only ting certain in an uncertain world. At te dinner table I learned ow to live by te trut in a world full of lies, ow to serve te true God in a world full of false gods. Now tat I m older, I realize tat te dinner table in te Evans ouseold was te place were my siblings and I discovered te kingdom of God. I am now over tirty years old, wit a wife and tree kids of my own, and I find myself subconsciously repeating wit my cildren wat my parents started wit me. Every evening witout fail we eat dinner togeter, and my tree little cildren are slowly but surely learning about te kingdom of God.

47 Te Heir and Heiress Apparent 37 I know your scedule is probably busy, and you are most likely tired wen you get ome. But tat doesn t mean you ave been relieved of your responsibility. Wen my cildren were still in te ome, it was one of te busiest seasons of my ministry. Wit Promise Keepers exploding on te scene, our curc growing exponentially and quickly, and our national ministry taking off, I was under a lot of legitimate pressure for meetings, speaking events, management, and te like. Yet to te best of my knowledge, we missed few if any family meals wen I was in town. And wen I was out of town, Lois did an excellent job of continuing te disciplesip routine in our ome. In addition, I limited my traveling to tat wic was agreeable to everyone in te family. Consistency in relating to your cildren, weter it s at te dinner table or elsewere, is essential for discipling tem. As Moses said, we are to talk wit tem morning, noon, and nigt concerning te tings of God. Tere were times wen I accidentally double-booked a speaking engagement and a family event. I can remember flying back (covering te costs myself) from a speaking engagement so I could attend one of our cildren s scool events. I overeard my daugter Priscilla telling a friend one day tat, as se grew up, se never really knew tat er dad was a prominent national preacer simply because e always seemed to be around. Comments like tis warm my eart today because, even toug at te time I may ave sat tere tired and peraps even frustrated at te extra effort and expense (my family will attest tat I don t like to spend money) needed to attend bot functions, I knew tat te value and onor I sougt to communicate to my cildren troug my actions would be wort it. As muc as possible I made it a priority to be around during normal, everyday activities because tat set a pattern of bot availability and stability in our ome. Driving te kids to scool was always my duty, as was omework time at te end of eac day. I volunteered for tis task because I wanted to sow my kids onor in tat way. Leading te kids in devotions, Bible study, and manners occurred routinely around our table. Te boys were taugt ow to seat a lady at a table. Te girls were taugt ow to respectfully be seated by a gentleman. And wenever my kids called me, weter I was in a meeting or not, I took teir call. Parents, accessibility communicates commitment and value more clearly tan almost anyting else you can do. Make it your goal to

48 38 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS increase your accessibility to your cildren if tis isn t already a strong point in your ome. Now tat my kids ave grown into not-perfect-but-still-god-fearing-andkingdom-serving adults, I am grateful for every moment I invested in tem. Tey continually seek altoug tey sometimes struggle to put God and His precepts first in teir lives. I couldn t be more proud of te kingdom men and women tey ave become. All four serve in ministry, and all four amaze me wit teir spiritual insigt, dept, maturity, and dedication to teir families. If you don t know tem already, you ll get to know tem a little troug teir own contributions in te pages of tis book. Parents, I understand busy. Been tere, and still am tere. I get it, and I ear you. But te busier you are, te more important it is to carve out time for your cildren. If you are going to raise kingdom kids, tey must be a priority. I also understand tired. I know wat it s like to get ome from a crowded, noisy day and just want to sit in front of te television. In our ome, we made it a rule tat television time was significantly limited during te week. Tirty minutes per day is wat te cildren got, meaning tat s wat we as teir parents got as well wile tey were awake. I admit tere were days wen I broke tat rule wen I would turn on te television and just sit tere wile I sent te kids off to do someting else. However, I tried not to make breaking tat rule a abit. You see, setting standards in your ome doesn t mean being legalistic and never making mistakes. It does mean tat you aim for excellence and allow for grace wen you experience one of tose tiresome days. As long as you aim ig, you ll it tat goal more often tan not. Kingdom parenting isn t perfect parenting. Kingdom parenting is purposeful parenting. Go aead and set times for family meetings, guidance, and direction. Moses instruction was composed of a compreensive approac to parenting: Wen you sit in your ouse, and wen you walk by te way, and wen you lie down, and wen you rise up. Tis describes a ome like a pinball macine were no matter were your cildren go, tey can t get away from learning to ave a kingdom mindset and a biblical worldview. Moses went so far as to say, You sall bind tem as a sign on your and and tey sall be as frontals on your foreead. You sall write tem on te doorposts

49 Te Heir and Heiress Apparent 39 of your ouse and on your gates (Deuteronomy 6:8 9). God and His precepts are to be everywere. Weter it s a plaque anging on te wall, a Scripture memory project for te day, a note written to your cild and placed in is or er lunc box, a song playing on te speakers, or simply words out of your mout, God s viewpoint sould dominate te environment of your ome. Tat way God becomes te point of reference for your cild at scool, wit friends, on te sports team, and into adultood as tey establis teir own ome. Kingdom Mom and kingdom Dad, do not delegate te spiritual development of your cildren to someone else. Moses Kingdom parenting isn t perfect parenting. Kingdom parenting is purposeful parenting. said it is your job to train tem diligently. You are to create a bungee-cord effect so tat if your cildren grow up and run away from God, tey will bounce back to Him, so saturated wit Him tat tey can t escape His influence and presence. And wile te primary responsibility of training your cildren lies wit you, part of tat responsibility involves being intentional about seeking out tings tat will supplement, or add to, tat training. Parents literally will move to a different ome in order to provide te best possible scool for teir cildren. In tat same vein, seek out te best possible curc witin wic to raise your cildren in order to reinforce te values you are teacing at ome. I see a disturbing pattern emerging in parenting tese days: For many parents, it is far more important for teir kids to make te team tan to make it in God s kingdom. Tey ll get teir kids to baseball, football, basketball, or soccer practice on time, but not to curc. But raising eirs and eiresses of te kingdom takes purposefully positioning tem in an environment were tey will learn, understand, and apply a kingdom mindset. Two Fundamentals of a Kingdom Mindset Before te Israelites reaced te Promised Land, tey were delivered out of Egypt and developed in te wilderness. Te Promised Land Canaan was

50 40 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS teir destiny. It was not eaven, toug. Teir destiny included God s provision, but it also came riddled wit obstacles, temptations, and callenges. Due to te sinful world tat we live in, your cild s destiny also will contain obstacles, temptations, and financial, relational, emotional, spiritual, educational, and career callenges. In order for your cildren to live out teir destiny, it s necessary for tem to be delivered from sin, developed troug sanctification, and dependent on God to play te divine role in te unfolding of His kingdom plan. To acieve tis, it s important for you to cultivate in your cildren two fundamentals of a kingdom mindset: remembering God and fearing Him. Remembering God Te next part of te Deuteronomy passage says: Ten it sall come about wen te Lord your God brings you into te land wic He swore to your faters, Abraam, Isaac and Jacob, to give you great and splendid cities wic you did not build, and ouses full of all good tings wic you did not fill, and ewn cisterns wic you did not dig, vineyards and olive trees wic you did not plant, and you eat and are satisfied, ten watc yourself, tat you do not forget te Lord wo brougt you from te land of Egypt, out of te ouse of slavery. You sall fear only te Lord your God; and you sall worsip Him and swear by His name. (Deuteronomy 6:10 13) As Moses reminds te Israelites in tis passage, sometimes wen we experience God s blessings and provision, we can forget Him. Now tat te television is bigger, te family time is smaller. Now tat te beds are more comfortable, te cairs at te table seem arder. Unfortunately God s provision can sometimes eclipse God s rigtful place in our earts. Tat s wy after te Israelites ad eaten, Moses instructed tem to say grace once again. Te meal prayer wasn t to be offered simply before tey ate; it also was to be given after tey ate as a reminder of God s faitfulness and

51 Te Heir and Heiress Apparent 41 teir recognition of it. Wen you ave eaten and are satisfied, you sall bless te Lord your God for te good land wic He as given you (Deuteronomy 8:10). After te Israelites were satisfied by te food God ad caused to grow in teir land, tey were to bless Him for tat land. Tey were to continually remember God lest in teir comfort tey forget Him altogeter. We are living at a time in our culture were many families experience te blessing of God s and. I remember growing up at a time wen a new pair of jeans was a rarity, yet kids today get muc more tan jeans on a regular basis. Wile it is good to experience God s provision, it can also be dangerous. Material satisfaction can quickly lead to spiritual starvation. Tat s wy Moses commanded te Israelites to teac teir cildren God s precepts daily so tat tey would not forget Him in te midst of teir success. It s easy to remember God in a trial wen tere seems to be no one else to turn to. But te true test of fait comes at tose times wen all seems well. Real fait never forgets te real Source. But wen you disconnect te goodness of God from te God wo is good, you ave walked away from your destiny. Destiny Wen you disconnect te goodness of God from te God wo is good, you ave walked away from your destiny. is always God-ward tied to advancing His kingdom and bringing Him glory. Wat does it mean to forget God? It doesn t necessarily mean tat you are skipping curc. It means tat His guidelines no longer govern your decisions. It means tat, in your mind, His power no longer trumps your own. Forgetting God leads to pride, and pride gives birt to rebellion. Moses sares tis concept ere: Beware tat you do not forget te Lord your God... Oterwise, you may say in your eart, My power and te strengt of my and made me tis wealt.... It sall come about tat if you ever forget te Lord your God and go after oter gods and serve tem and worsip

52 42 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS tem, I testify against you today tat you will surely peris. Like te nations tat te Lord makes to peris before you, so you sall peris; because you would not listen to te voice of te Lord your God. (Deuteronomy 8:11, 17, 19 20). Establising a kingdom mindset witin your cildren tat puts God first as te centerpiece of all of life prepares tem to not only reac teir destiny, but also to remain in it. If you ave ever seen a turtle on a fence, you know tat somebody put it tere because turtles can t climb fences. Likewise, watever success you acieve as parents and as adults and watever success your cildren acieve as tey grow will be te result of God s divine favor and His provision. He is te source of all tat is good (James 1:17). Guard tat mindset witin your ome by continually remembering God in all tat you do. Fearing God In addition to teacing your kids to remember God, raising tem wit a kingdom mindset means teacing tem te fear of te Lord. Te word fear in te Bible combines te concept of awe along wit te concept of terror. Wen you put te two togeter, it boils down to taking someting very seriously. For example, let s look at electricity. Electricity is a good ting it keeps our food cold and our ouses warm. I got a wake-up call about just ow good electricity is not too long ago wen we ad a winter ice storm in Dallas, wit te temperature dropping to near zero. As a result, undreds of tousands of omes lost power including ours. For days, Lois and I uddled next to our only source of eat in te ome, a gaslit fireplace, as we were reminded just ow important electricity is. Yet tat same electricity tat can elp keep you warm can also fry you. I would not advise taking a screwdriver and sticking it in an outlet. Te same electricity tat can illuminate your ome can also make your air stand on end. It s dangerous. Electricity must be andled properly, or it will cause arm. Creating a kingdom mindset in your ome includes cultivating a ealty fear of God. Yes, God wants your cildren to reac teir destiny. Yes, God as a plan for tem. He desires to guide and direct us, but He also demands

53 Te Heir and Heiress Apparent 43 reverence and respect. God is a jealous God, and wen te fear tat rigtfully belongs to Him is misplaced, He doesn t take it ligtly. Moses told te Israelites tat if tey revered idols rater tan God, ten te anger of te Lord your God will be kindled against you, and He will wipe you off te face of te eart (Deuteronomy 6:15). Now, ere Moses was talking to a national society, but te principle still remains: broken fellowsip wit God brings about te removal of His favor and His blessing. He wants to be recognized as te ultimate definer and autority over life in your ome and in your cildren s lives. He won t sare His onor wit idols wit anyting tat eclipses God s rigtful place in your life. His Word makes tis explicitly clear: You sall not follow oter gods, any of te gods of te peoples wo surround you (Deuteronomy 6:14). In fact, He won t even sare His glory if tat idol appens to be you. Te king of Babylon, Nebucadnezzar, made a terrible mistake after is kingdom got establised. He said, Look at tis great Babylon tat I ave built! Look at wat I ave done! God quickly reminded im wo te true source of all good tings is. We read: Wile te word was in te king s mout, a voice came from eaven, saying, King Nebucadnezzar, to you it is declared: sovereignty as been removed from you, and you will be driven away from mankind, and your dwelling place will be wit te beasts of te field. You will be given grass to eat like cattle, and seven periods of time will pass over you until you recognize tat te Most Hig is ruler over te realm of mankind and bestows it on womever He wises. (Daniel 4:31 32) In oter words, Nebucadnezzar, I am God, and you are not. Scripture records tat te king subsequently went insane, and it would be seven years before God brougt im back to is senses. Te reason wy so many of our cildren are not living out teir destinies as adults is tat tey ave been raised wit a mindset tat is too tied to te culture. It is also too me centered. But you can t worsip te culture s god, or make yourself a god, and still ave te one, true God. He won t sare His

54 44 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS glory wit anyone else. Raising kingdom kids is more tan singing sweet lullabies about Jesus to tem. It involves introducing tem on an ongoing basis to te King of Kings and te Lord of Lords. It requires teacing tem tat God is igly exalted and reigns supreme. Tat His Word is te law of te land. Tat His name is te name above all names, at wic every knee will bow. Our God is te essence and purity of royalty, and te autor and finiser of our destiny. If your ope is for your cildren to reign well in teir promised land as te eirs and eiresses tat tey are, ten you must give tem te kingdom keys to do so; you must make sure tat tey bot remember and fear teir King.

55 4 LIFE OUTSIDE THE PALACE WALLS Not too long ago some parents at te curc I pastor asked if I would come and personally speak to teir ig scool seniors. Tey wanted me to meet wit teir kids before tey wrapped up teir final year of ig scool and eaded to college. Tese parents ad done all tat tey could to provide teir cildren wit a strong Cristian foundation. Tey ad carefully cosen were teir kids would attend ig scool and ad made great sacrifices on bealf of teir cildren s development. Yet as tey prepared to launc teir young adult cildren out into te world many of wom would be attending secular universities on scolarsip tese parents grew concerned about weter teir kids foundations would be solid enoug to witstand te crucible teir fait was about to encounter. I was more tan appy to spend some personal time wit tese young adults in opes of reinforcing te principles teir parents ad taugt tem principles related to living as ealty individuals now tat tey were going out on teir own. Principles suc as respecting oter people s boundaries as well as teir own, developing critical tinking skills, and creating a balanced emotional, spiritual, pysical, and mental life. I wanted to encourage tese young people to keep te fait in a faitless society. I wanted to sare wit tem ow tey could wisely and effectively go

56 46 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS against te grain wen te grain is going against God. How tey could act wit bot courage and onesty at te times wen tey needed to te most. As we met togeter, te yout ad some very important questions for me, and I enjoyed our discussion. I could tell tey were mature and wanted to do well. But I also knew tat tey were probably not aware of te severity of secularism tey would soon be facing wen tey transitioned out of te ome and into te broader society. Because of tis, I sougt to reinforce biblical principles of living for te kingdom specifically witin a secular context. I took te bulk of tose principles from te book of Daniel. Cildren need to learn ow to wisely and effectively go against te grain wen te grain is going against God. In fact, most of wat I sared wit tem came from illustrations given to us by four teenage boys in te Old Testament. Wat better way to teac young adults ow to maintain teir fait and purity in a foreign environment tan wit role models from teir own age group? As you migt ave noticed wit your own kids, teens sometimes tune out adults wen we seek to instruct or mentor tem. However, it is te rare teen tat won t pay attention to wat anoter teen is saying or modeling. As a matter of fact, one of te most successful scool outreac initiatives we ve ever implemented, Hig Scool Heroes, seeks to capitalize on tis trut. First we identify ig scool students in te public scool setting wo are exibiting te virtues and caracter qualities of kingdom living. Once cosen, we mentor and arrange for tese students to speak to junior ig and elementary groups in te same scool system in order to encourage te younger students along a positive pat. Tese younger students are captivated wen te older students talk about te importance of making rigt coices, studying, moral purity, and oter principles of kingdom living. If te Old Testament city of Babylon ad a Hig Scool Heroes outreac in place, tere s no doubt te four young men we are about to look at as our examples in tis capter would ave been cosen. Tese teens exibited te qualities tat demanded respect and set tem up for future success.

57 Life Outside te Palace Walls 47 Four Boys in Babylon Before we look directly at te four boys in Babylon, I want to spend some time exploring te process tat a secularized society often puts in place sometimes knowingly and oter times simply by nature of te society in order to strip Cristian values and a kingdom worldview from tose wo ave it. Wen tese four young men lived, Babylon was known as a pagan society. It was also a powerful society. Babylon ad recently seized Jerusalem out of te people of Israel s waning grasp. In so doing, tey confiscated not only a number of te people of God but also te vessels of God, and tey transferred tem to a new, even more ungodly realm. We read in te opening passage of Daniel: In te tird year of te reign of Jeoiakim king of Juda, Nebucadnezzar king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and besieged it. Te Lord gave Jeoiakim king of Juda into is and, along wit some of te vessels of te ouse of God; and e brougt tem to te land of Sinar, to te ouse of is god, and e brougt te vessels into te treasury of is god. (Daniel 1:1 2) You ll notice tat Babylon didn t take siege of Jerusalem all on its own. Tey ad elp from above. It says tat te Lord gave te city of Jerusalem over to Babylon. Tis came as a result of te Israelite s rebellion against God. As His people continued to turn furter and furter away from Him, He turned tem over to secularism. In fact, He eventually gave tem entirely into te grip of a nation wo didn t know Him at all. Before te four boys ever reaced Babylon, teir parents must ave been very intentional about instilling kingdom virtues in tem wile in Jerusalem. Jerusalem was already spiritually off-target. Te scenario in Jerusalem before te siege doesn t seem too different from were we are now in our nation. As te people of Israel continued to put God on te peripery of teir lives and marginalize Him troug teir rebellion, God witdrew His and of blessing, favor, and protection. He allowed teir earts to become arder and teir minds duller. Tis wasn t te Jerusalem tat ad once been founded firmly on

58 48 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS God s Word. Families no longer ecoed Josua s battle cry, As for me and my ouse, we will serve te Lord. People did wat tey wanted to do, wat tey saw fit in teir own eyes. Similarly, te nation in wic you and I are living, te one in wic we are seeking to maintain kingdom families and raise kingdom kids, is not te same nation we were born into. At warp speed, we are witnessing te devolution of our country. In every arena you can name, we are watcing te spiritual unraveling of a culture imploding upon itself. Wile tere as always been evil, sin, and negativity in our land, we were at least in a position collectively were we recognized evil, sin, and negativity for te most part. But all of tose definitions ave now been placed on te sidelines, wile new definitions ave taken teir place. Our culture used to be defined by a Judeo-Cristian framework. In tose days not so long ago even non-cristians understood, valued, and respected te biblical worldview. However, tat is no longer our reality. Te implications of tis sift are staggering, but te even greater tragedy is tat even te worldview and opinions of Cristians seem to be sifting wit te secular society just as swiftly. It is as if te curc now tinks tat God cecks wit popular opinion polls before He decides wat is legitimate and wat is not. Jerusalem s atmospere may ave differed little from Cristian culture in America today. But Babylon could easily be compared to te secular culture in our nation as well. It was precisely in tis secularism and umanism tat te four boys found temselves. Ten te king ordered Aspenaz, te cief of is officials, to bring in some of te sons of Israel, including some of te royal family and of te nobles, youts in wom was no defect, wo were good-looking, sowing intelligence in every branc of wisdom, endowed wit understanding and discerning knowledge, and wo ad ability for serving in te king s court; and e ordered im to teac tem te literature and language of te Caldeans. (Daniel 1:3 4) In oter words, te leaders of Babylon said, Let s get te next generation. It would be by procuring te minds and wills of te young teenagers effectively

59 Life Outside te Palace Walls 49 Babylonianizing tem tat tese leaders knew tey would uncover te greatest assets for te future of teir civilization. Terefore, tey sougt to strip te spiritual eritage out of te Israelite young men wile simultaneously capitalizing on teir strengts as tey reoriented tem to a new way of tinking and living. One of te ways tey opted to do tis was relocating te cosen young men to Babylon. Tis is similar to wat many of our kids face as tey go from a Cristian ome and environment into a college setting. Wen you consider te vast number of ours cildren spend in secularized scool institutions and compare tat wit te amount of time parents pray wit tem, lead tem in God s Word, and take tem to curc, it is frigteningly out of balance. A relocation to a dominant secular atmospere is one of te first ways a kingdom worldview is callenged. Anoter way te Babylonians sougt to strip te spiritual eritage from tese Israelite young men was by isolating tem. After relocating tem, tey made certain tat te exposure te young men ad was to Babylonian culture and noting else. In no way did tey want te God-centered, teistic orientation of tese young men reinforced in anyting tey A relocation to a dominant secular atmospere is one of te first ways a kingdom worldview is callenged. were reading or learning. Instead, tey isolated tem to te literature and te language of te Caldeans. In fact, in verse 5 we discover tat te Babylonians knew tis wouldn t appen overnigt, so tey opted for a tree-year program giving enoug time for te Israelite eritage to be replaced by te Babylonian belief system. Essentially, te goal was for tese young men to attend a Babylonian scool located in a Babylonian city were tey were taugt by Babylonian teacers wile being forced to read only Babylonian literature and speak te Babylonian language so tat after tree years tey would tink, act, talk, and walk like a Babylonian. Te dominant culture would ave a dominating effect on tem. As tey were being indoctrinated into te Babylonian way of life, te king

60 50 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS also wanted tem to learn te Babylonian way of eating. In verse 5 we read, Te king appointed for tem a daily ration from te king s coice food and from te wine wic e drank.... In tis way, te Israelites got to experience te fanfare of Babylon. It was more tan food and drink it was te king s coicest food and drink. It was living large. As te Israelite yout enjoyed te coicest food and drinks, teir resistance to every oter bit of propaganda being pused at tem from te Babylonian empire no doubt lessened. Tis is similar to te free drinks tat are offered in gambling casinos or oter businesses, were te owners want to reduce te rational tougt of te potential consumers so tey will be more inclined to gamble teir funds or make tat purcase. 1 As te young Israelites began to ang out wit te king s crowd and enjoy te finest food and drinks, it would become easier for tem to adopt everyting else tat came along wit te culture including teir names. Lessons Learned in LA by Antony Evans Jr. My pone rang, and on te oter end was someone from NBC asking if I would come to Hollywood and be a part of a new sow called Te Voice. Tat s ow it all started for me. Until tat time, a couple of years ago, I ad never been immersed in secular culture. I never knew te meaning of living outside of te palace walls. Wen I received an invitation to be on Te Voice and ten decided to move to Los Angeles, I was confused. I ad never performed outside of our curc, and I wondered if it was wrong to live and work in suc a secular environment. I will never forget calling my dad as I tried to figure tis all out and earing im say to me in te first tree minutes of our conversation, As long as you don t compromise your fait, I want you to go and ave a great time. Tose were te words tat freed me up to experience wat I consider to ave been a life-altering experience. I now know wat it means to literally ave to make a coice to be countercultural daily, because most of my friends in LA aren t Cristians. Tey re confused by wat we do in curc and turned off by ow judgmental tey consider us to be.

61 Life Outside te Palace Walls 51 It would be very easy to adapt to a new way of tinking in a town like tis. But, tere are a few tings my parents did tat bring me back to my core belief system wenever it s callenged. If you re wondering wat tey did, I can tell you for sure tat it as noting to do wit pastoring a ten-tousandmember curc, being on more tan five undred radio stations, or aving countless books publised and numerous invitations to speak. All of tese tings are inconsequential to me as te son of well-known Cristian parents. Wat my parents did is noting oter tan live an example tat I now ave engraved into my consciousness. It was watcing my parents make decisions to follow te Lord in spite of circumstances. It was te time we spent around te table as tey taugt me te meaning of making daily decisions to acknowledge te presence of God in my life. At times, just like any training, it definitely felt retorical, but now living outside te palace as given me an opportunity to actually experience tis training as a reflex. I find myself recalling Scripture and making decisions as a reflex due to te training tat I received just like any atlete repeats a motion until it becomes muscle memory, until it s recalled witout aving to tink about it. Tis is wat my parents did. Tey actually lived and trained us up in te way we sould go (see Proverbs 22:6). And tis training, altoug ard at times, as given me an unwavering example of wat it actually means and looks like to trust in te Lord wit my wole eart. Wat s In a Name? In te tragic play Romeo and Juliet, Sakespeare wrote tese famous words: Wat s in a name? Tat wic we call a rose by any oter name would smell as sweet. 2 Wile te Englis playwrigt didn t place a lot of merit on a name, God as a very different idea about its importance. Our name is te first ting we re given wen we arrive in tis world. If we re fortunate, it s one tat s been carefully and lovingly cosen for us by our parents. Trougout istory, names ave ad specific meanings, and tose meanings give tem power. Wile today s culture may not focus as muc attention on

62 52 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS te meaning beind a name, te Bible makes no secret of its importance. Peraps no passage more beautifully illustrates te significance of a name as Isaia 43:1, wic tells us, Do not fear, for I ave redeemed you; I ave called you by name; you are Mine! A name in biblical times signified muc more tan nomenclature. Parents cose names impregnated wit meaning, often bot in te present tense and ope for te future. Te parents of te four boys in Babylon followed tis tradition. Tey gave te boys Hebrew names filled wit significance, presumably because te parents wanted to leave a spiritual legacy. We can deduce tis by examining te endings of tose four names. In Daniel 1:6 we read, Now among tem from te sons of Juda were Daniel, Hanania, Misael, and Azaria. Two of teir names end in te Hebrew word El. Te oter two end wit Ia. El is te singular form of te Hebrew word for God, Eloim, wile Ia, found at te end of our word alleluja comes from anoter name for God, Jeova. We can reasonably speculate tat wen tese parents brougt teir cildren into te world, tey purposefully named tem in a way tat would baptize tem daily wit a remembrance of God. Every time tese boys would ear teir name, tey would be reminded of te God in wose image tey were made and to wom tey were to offer teir lives in service. Even toug Jerusalem was inabited at tat time by individuals wo were rebelling against God, te names of tese four young Israelites indicate tat teir parents ad a different lifestyle in mind for teir cildren. Tere s strong evidence tat Daniel, Hanania, Misael, and Azaria were raised as kingdom kids. Te Babylonians knew te importance of a name as well, so one of te very first tings tey did was to rename te four young men. Instead of Daniel, Hanania, Misael, and Azaria, tey were now called Beltesazzar, Sadrac, Mesac, and Abednego. Te Babylonians sougt to cange te young men s identities by giving tem new names. But Daniel... Wile te young men didn t seem to ave muc of a say in wat was going on around tem or concerning te canging of teir names, Daniel drew te

63 Life Outside te Palace Walls 53 line on one ting te food. In verse 8, we read a very critical prase: But Daniel... Daniel s parents most likely adn t raised im to go along wit someting witout tinking it troug. Peraps e knew e couldn t keep is name because it tied im too deeply wit is spiritual eritage. Peraps e knew e ad to live in Babylon and study te Babylonian culture. Yet, strong in is fait, peraps e also knew tat none of tose tings would affect im spiritually te way Babylonians oped. But peraps Daniel also knew tat e would not be able to control is body s responses to eating te king s coice food or drinking te king s wine. In fact, in te Israelite spiritual eritage, e knew tat to do so would literally defile is body. Likewise, Daniel knew tat watever e put into is body would affect is body, and in te case of te king s wine would also affect is mind, so tat is were Daniel drew te line. It s fair to assume tat it was is parents wo ad trained im so well. We see tis young man, most likely around te age of fifteen, emerging into a kingdom man. Te entire verse reads, But Daniel made up is mind tat e would not defile imself wit te king s coice food or wit te wine wic e drank; so e sougt permission from te commander of te officials tat e migt not defile imself. Daniel ad is limits. And e would do everyting e could not to cross tem. Daniel lived in a secular environment. He couldn t cange it, just as your kids can t cange te secular conditions tey are exposed to on a daily basis. As parents, we normally don t ave any control over tose conditions, eiter. We can t control te environments our cildren will walk into or wat tey will be pressured to do. Yet, as a parent, wat you do ave control over as you are raising kingdom kids is tis: You can create a But Daniel... Daniel adn t become a kingdom man on is own. Someone ad taugt im te importance of is fait and te essential nature of setting spiritual boundaries in spite of watever is appening in te culture at large. Te most likely scenario is tat, wile Daniel was living at ome, is parents taugt im te value of autonomy so e could capitalize on its strengt once removed from it. Tey gave im a kingdom mindset tat transcended location, connection, country, and environment. In fact, Daniel took advantage of wat was in te culture witout submitting to tat culture. He ad made up is mind. Te role of kingdom

64 54 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS parenting is to instill suc a foundation in your cildren tat tey will make decisions consistent wit teir fait even toug tey live in a secular society. Maybe Daniel googled food in a foreign land, and up popped Exodus 34:14 15, recalling is parents instruction in te Scriptures: For you sall not worsip any oter god, for te Lord, wose name is Jealous, is a jealous God oterwise you migt make a covenant wit te inabitants of te land and tey would play te arlot wit teir gods and sacrifice to teir gods, and someone migt invite you to eat of is sacrifice. Te role of kingdom parenting is to instill suc a foundation in your cildren tat tey will make decisions consistent wit teir fait even toug tey live in a secular society. From tat passage and oters, Daniel knew tat food was never just about eating. It was opening te door to fellowsip wit anoter culture s god. And Daniel wouldn t coose to commune wit any oter god but te true and living God, nor would e break God s commands. Tat is were e said no. Notice tat Daniel didn t run away from te Babylonians and ide in some mountain retreat wile growing is air long and singing praise songs. He was in te culture; e just wasn t of te culture. He took te king s job; e just didn t take te king s food. Daniel received te king s salary; e just didn t adopt te king s society. In oter words, e didn t lose is identity just because e was in a secular land. Daniel worked ard for Babylon, benefitted Babylon, was productive for Babylon, but e also set is own boundaries in Babylon. He remembered te two letters on te end of is name, El, and to wom e belonged. Tus, Daniel lived fully in te culture witout surrendering to te values of te culture. Now God... Te interesting ting to keep in mind is wat appened after te But Daniel... Verse 9 tells us tat wen Daniel made up is mind to set is spiritual

65 Life Outside te Palace Walls 55 boundaries, God intervened. We read, Now God granted Daniel favor and compassion in te sigt of te commander of te officials. In verse 8 we see, But Daniel... In verse 9, we get, Now God... Often we fail to train our cildren to understand tat tis doesn t appen in reverse. We aren t meant to live te kingdom life by Now God... and ten But Daniel... We all pray for favor, compassion, and blessings in our own lives, and we teac our cildren to look to God for tese tings too. But if we do not give tem te proper formula for receiving God s great favor, we aven t instilled in tem te foundation of kingdom life. God s blessing and favor, more often tan not, come troug commitment to Him. Yes, He gives te rain to bot te rigteous and te unrigteous, but wat we are looking at ere isn t rain it s favor. God s favor is te greatest ting anyone can ave. Daniel took is stand, and ten Daniel got God s favor wic was ten extended God s blessing and favor, more often tan not, come troug commitment to Him. to te commander of te officials over im. Daniel s request to refrain from te king s food and drink intrigued te official. As a result, Daniel and is tree Hebrew friends were able to perform a ten-day test to sow te commander ow tey did after ten days on teir diet versus ow te oter Hebrew boys fared after ten days on te king s food and drink. Wen te ten days were up, it was clear to everyone tat te four boys in Babylon were stronger, ealtier, and ad more energy tan te oter Hebrew boys. As a result, tey were allowed to eat te food and drink of teir eritage and spiritual upbringing. In raising your kingdom kids, always remember tat verse 8 comes before verse 9 in Daniel capter 1. Daniel first ad to make up is mind and ten act before God responded. Wat s more, God didn t make up Daniel s mind. Daniel s parents didn t make up Daniel s mind. Te young Daniel ad to make te rigt decision imself, and wen e did, e was blessed wit great favor.

66 56 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Parents, train up your cildren in God s Word and His principles so tat te Holy Spirit as someting to work wit wen tey are no longer under your direct influence and do it diligently. One of te key traits of a ealty family is a sared spiritual foundation. As you grow togeter troug studying God s Word, devotions, attending curc, praying togeter, and teacing and modeling morality and caracter, you will be transferring a living fait to your cildren tat tey will ten own wen tey are out on teir own. In addition, try to surround your cildren wit oter families wit like values. Notice tat Daniel ad tree Hebrew boys around im wo In raising your kingdom kids, always remember tat verse 8 comes before verse 9 in Daniel capter 1. sared is caracter qualities. Kingdom parents connect teir kids wit oter kingdom parents wo are raising kingdom kids all four of tese young men ad a name of God at te end of teir own names. Yes, I know tat sometimes you feel like you are wasting your time wen you pray for your kids, ave family devotions, or make tem go to curc. Tey sit tere sulking or looking like tey are about to fall asleep. Maybe tey argue or complain, and you wonder if it s wort continuing. But remember tat tey are kids; tey may not always look like tey want to know wat you are teacing tem, but tey need it. One day tey will be older and find temselves in a Daniel situation were you can t bail tem out, and no one else will answer for tem. It will be up to tem at tat time to eiter be a But Daniel... or not. Tere were times wen our four kids would be acting up around te table wile I was trying to lead devotions, and it would irritate me. Tey would be talking out of turn, or one would be pouting. It just seemed like a lot of commotion rater tan devotion! I admit tere were even times wen I called it quits and told everyone to go to teir rooms because tey weren t paying attention or tey were being disrespectful. But more times tan not, I stuck it out, and ten, at a later point, I would be surprised ow one cild or anoter would bring up someting I tougt for

67 Life Outside te Palace Walls 57 sure no one ad eard during te devotions at te table simply due to te noise. Tey were listening even wen it didn t look like tey were listening. Tose were te moments God used to remind me to ang in tere wen I would want to walk away from te table early and call it a nigt. I would remember tat it was my responsibility to train tese cildren to te best of my ability imperfectly but consistently. I was called to sow up and do my part, leaving te ard work of getting te trut into teir earts to God. Our culture s system as been set up to own our cildren to pluck tem from us and strip tem of te values tey need to live well. Babylon is not just a far-off land wit no bearing on ow we live today. In many ways we live in our own Babylon, and it s a sopisticated one at tat one wic seeks to redefine value systems, morality, order, and more. But we can give our cildren wat tey need to retain teir identity despite te society around tem. It will take effort, prayer, and sacrifice. Trust me it will also take patience. In te end, owever, tey will remember te last few letters of teir name. Despite were tey live, tey will know te true kingdom to wic tey belong. I ll admit it I was fearful wen Antony moved to Hollywood. My concern was rooted in te idea tat suc a broad level of exposure to te secular world would invade is Cristian worldview and erode is values. I ad similar concerns wen our daugter Priscilla started participating in (and winning) beauty pageants at college, and wen our son Jonatan was signed by te NFL and trust into an environment tat included being surrounded by people wo partied and drank a lot. At tese junctures, I always wondered, Did we raise tem wit enoug of a kingdom mindset to resist te world s temptations? And wile I m sure none of our kids were squeaky clean and never made a wrong coice, by and large tey made it troug tose times strong. Parents, one of te ardest parts of parenting is letting your cild go out into a world tat you no longer can control or eavily influence. But eac cild will eventually ave to make is or er own decisions. Tat s wy it is so critical tat you provide your cildren wit a deep foundation wile tey are still wit you, making sure you ave equipped tem wit wat tey need in order to live as a Daniel in teir own Babylon.

68 58 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Have you ever witnessed te building of a downtown ig-rise? Wen a construction company sets out to build a skyscraper, tey begin te process by digging deep into te ground. In fact, te iger te building is to go up, te deeper tey need to dig in order to lay te foundation. A tall building set on top of a sallow foundation will ultimately topple and fall. As parents, you ave lofty dreams and aspirations for your cildren, and your role is to provide tem wit wat tey need in order to reac tem. Your responsibility is to give tem te dept of caracter, fait, ope, love, and esteem tey need in order to soar to te full eigt of teir personal destiny. Focus on te foundation it will be te bedrock of teir life s success.

69 5 TRANSFERRING THE ROYAL BLESSING Te suburban railway rolled troug te city, passing in front of residential dwellings on te quiet streets of Oslo, Norway. Te energy crisis of te early 1970s ad increased te traffic on tis previously low-traveled metro so tat it nearly burst wit passengers. Everyone ad to squeeze in as tigtly as possible so everyone could fit. It didn t elp tat one stop on te metro s line included a popular location for recreational ski jumping. It also didn t elp tat ski jumping in Norway attracted more people tan nearly any oter activity. Tat being te case, te suburban railway not only eld passengers but also eld te accompanying conglomeration of skis, equipment, and additional layers of cloting. Te railcar was packed. An onlooker watcing te metro pass by tat cold, wintry morning would not ave noticed anyting extraordinary. In fact, most of te passengers did not notice anyting eiter. After all, it is not every day tat a king rides te metro. It s just not someting tat most people expect to see. But tere e was, seated next to te window in a eavy jacket and at, te young female passenger sitting next to im trying to cover a sy grin of knowing. Se recognized im from bot is face and is voice as e greeted er wen se sat down. Dare se tell anyone else? Was tis truly er king, te leader of Norway, rumbling along wit tem on te cold and slow-moving railcar? Maybe e wanted to go unnoticed, se migt ave tougt, coosing

70 60 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS not to say anyting to te oters. Yet going unnoticed as a king in your own country can be a bit tricky. Eventually, one person said someting, and ten anoter, and ultimately everyone found out as te murmur spread like lit coals trougout te railcars. A passenger wit a camera stood to take is poto wile te conductor asked to take is ticket, no doubt in sock at wose ticket e ad just asked to see. After all, tis was teir king, King Olav V of Norway, aving been crowned more tan fifteen years before. Te king ad not boarded te railcar wit an entourage tat day. He ad not even taken along any bodyguards. Wen asked later wy e cose not to do so, tus putting imself potentially at risk, e answered frankly, I didn t need to I ave four million bodyguards already, referring to te population of Norway at tat time. Tus te king ad cosen to travel te metro alone, even toug e ad no need of traveling on it at all. Wile driving on certain weekends ad been banned in Norway during te energy crunc, it certainly adn t been banned for te king. He ad retained is rigts to drive and could ave easily, and legally, driven imself to te ski jump nearby. Yet in an act of respect and onor toward is people wo ad been forced to take te railcar due to te weekend driving ban, e cose to do te same. A one-time Olympic gold-medal winner in sailing, King Olav V loved is sports. Wanting to get to te ski jump, e ad taken te only transportation available to tose over wom e reigned. 1 Tat is just one of te many reasons wy tis unique king wo served is country for over tree decades was known as folkekongen, te people s king. Trougout is lifetime, e modeled bot umility and grace, subsequently receiving great favor from God and man. Someting else wort mentioning occurred during King Olav V s ascension to te trone. I mention it because it reveals te eart and insigt of tis respected royal man. By tat time (1957), a coronation ceremony signifying te rite of passage into kingsip was no longer performed in many Nordic countries. For a variety of reasons, tis ritual ad been discouraged. Yet aving watced is fater serve faitfully as king troug many ups and downs including te resistance of Norway to Hitler s Nazi regime Olav knew tat e

71 Transferring te Royal Blessing 61 could not carry out is position alone. If e were to perform it successfully, it would require noting sort of divine favor and intervention. Knowing tis, e asked te ruling government to implement a royal consecration upon is reign. Te primary focus of tis consecration, following a sermon, would include te bisop laying is ands upon te king s ead and te proclamation of a blessing. Te recitation was simple yet profound: Eternal, Almigty God, Heavenly Fater, we tank tee wose grace in need as always gone over our land in woeful and good times to tis day. Hear, today, our king s and our prayer. We pray tee, send ty grace to King Olav te Fift, assist im by te Spirit and give im wisdom and peace from tee tat is reign be a benefit and a blessing on Norway s land and people. Deceitful and burdensome days will come; may trut and goodness from tee be is power and gladness. Eternal, powerful God, bless our king, be tou always is Lord and is King and grant is House all good days in time and eternity. Amen. 2 King Olav V went on to reign well and reign long. Having passed away as e neared te age of ninety, istory records is rule as one truly blessed. He governed is land wisely, administered is people compassionately, and left an example for any wit eyes to see of wat it means to live up to te name of royalty. Not too long ago, Olav s nation onored teir king by declaring im te Norwegian of te Century. 3 Wen Tere Is No Blessing King Olav V knew intuitively tat if e were going to reign successfully, e needed to receive a blessing from above, so e asked for it. In biblical times, every Israelite parent knew tis trut as well. In fact, every cild in te Jewis culture looked forward to receiving te blessing. Tis blessing wasn t reserved simply for kings or monarcs because eac cild was an image bearer of te one, true King. Neiter was it limited to saking someone s and and saying, God bless you, as we often do today in mainstream Cristianity. Te blessing wasn t merely a trite statement in te movement of time. Rater, it was an

72 62 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS ongoing and profound transference of fait, favor, and destiny from one generation to te next. Te blessing provided continuity to a future not isolated from te past, and a present not irrelevant to tomorrow. In istorical Jewis culture, te Te blessing provided continuity to a future not isolated from te past, and a present not irrelevant to tomorrow. blessing bestowed favor and acceptance upon eac cild (bot sons and daugters), based not on teir accomplisments but on wo tey were as cildren of God. And wile tere were many informal blessings in te life of te cild as e or se grew, tese ultimately culminated wit a formal blessing wen te cild reaced te age of fourteen or fifteen. Tis formal ceremony was attended not only by te parents but also teir peers, wit many of te adults present speaking words of wisdom and blessing upon te cild. Today, many Ortodox Jewis families still give teir cildren a formal blessing. In te context of biblical society, toug, to miss out on te blessing would devastate anyone involved. And tis is aving a similar effect in our culture as well. Te greatest story in te Bible concerning te absence of te blessing is found in te book of Genesis wen Jacob, te twin broter of Esau, stole is broter s blessing. Pretending to be Esau in te presence of is aging fater, Jacob tricked im into giving im wat rigtfully belonged to Esau. As a result, Esau cried out in agony. We read, He cried out wit an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to is fater, Bless me, even me also, O my fater! (Genesis 27:34). Esau knew tat witout te blessing, e faced a difficult pat aead. His entire life and future were tied to tis blessing. Yet due to te brokenness between im and is fater, all e could do was scream. Faters ave a critical role in te transference of te fait, and tat role involves imparting a blessing. Wen individuals do not receive te blessing, tey often feel as toug tey ave lost teir significance. Tey ave lost wat makes tem distinct. Just as a flower needs te rigt kind of environment in wic to grow, we ave been

73 Transferring te Royal Blessing 63 made wit a desire for blessing in order to move fruitfully into te future. I ve preaced in enoug prisons and talked to enoug prisoners to know tat most of tem if not all are men or women wo ave never received te blessing. Tey ve never eard a parent speak over tem te words of favor and future tat come from being a cild of te King. One of my greatest failures as a fater occurred early on in tis area of transferring te blessing to bot my sons equally. Because our youngest son, Jonatan, struggled greatly in scool, te time I spent wit im was disproportionate to te time I spent wit Antony and my daugters. In addition to tat, as Jonatan grew, e also played football, so my natural affinity wit football drew us into conversations more easily and just added to te time we spent togeter. In ligt of everyting else on my plate during tose days, I realize now tat I didn t spend as muc time wit Antony as I sould ave, and in many ways e may Faters ave a critical role in te transference of te fait, and tat role involves imparting a blessing. ave felt like e wasn t receiving te blessing tat was due im as my firstborn son. It wasn t until Antony was in college and began singing tat tis truly dawned on me. Since I couldn t cange te past, I made every effort to engage wit im in is singing career, and I continue to do so to tis day. It is exciting to see ow many times God as brougt te two of us togeter in recent years at events across te country were I m tere to speak and Antony as been brougt in to sing. Often we don t even know tis until we get tere, but it s always a pleasant surprise. As a fater, I could ave looked at my failure in prioritizing te transfer of te blessing to Antony early on and just given up and walked away. I could ave assumed it was too late to undo te message I ad communicated to im. But parents, even in areas were you know you did not live up to God s standard, start were you are. I made a conscious coice to work at reversing my actions wit Antony and give im te blessing even toug e was now older, and I ave seen te Lord onor tat effort over te years, even troug bringing

74 64 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS us togeter regularly at events. And now tat Antony is an adult, rarely do two or tree days go by tat we don t talk, eiter in person or by pone. Not only do I enjoy im and is company, but I also want im to know tat e as te transference of te blessing. Parents, realize tat tere are tings in your past and in your parenting tat were mistakes or even failures. None of us are perfect. But you can start were you are and move forward. Even if your cildren are grown and are now adults, your role as teir parent still exists. Develop and nurture tat relationsip as muc as you can. And remember tat grandparenting is often God s way of giving parents a second cance. In te Bible, Jacob (te fater of Josep) blew it as a dad in many ways. Yet te end of is life is recorded wit im placing is ands on is two grandsons (Josep s cildren) in order to bless tem. Never look at parenting as someting tat is finised. It is always an ongoing process, no matter wat stage your family is in. And wile te blessing may seem meaningless to many of us today, it was not meaningless to Esau wen e lost it, and neiter is it truly elusive to our own cildren at te time tat tey need it te most. Te blessing may no longer contain ineritance rigts suc as land and cattle, but its spiritual significance still remains. It refers to te God-ordained role of transferring te fait and its implications in istory troug te family line to te cild. It concerns God s covenantal covering. Like an umbrella tat selters someone from te rain, te blessing covers a person troug te storms Te blessing doesn t stop te storm, but it selters you under it. of life. Te blessing doesn t stop te storm, but it selters you under it. Parents, our culture is raining down evil, promiscuity, immorality, materialism, selfisness, and a deluge of oter disasters upon our young people today. If you are not careful to position yourself underneat God s covenantal covering, and likewise position your cildren troug ow you coose to raise tem, ten tey are going to get drenced. As you migt imagine, Satan s goal is to cut off te blessing. His job is to clip te line and keep wat God is giving you from ever reacing your kids.

75 Transferring te Royal Blessing 65 Satan desires to user in discontinuity were God wants continuity, and one of te ways tat Satan does tis is troug removing te blessing. Te Blessing of Destiny In Genesis 12, we witness one of te best explanations of te blessing wen te Lord speaks to Abraam, Esau s grandfater: Go fort from your country, And from your relatives And from your fater s ouse, To te land wic I will sow you; And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great; And so you sall be a blessing; And I will bless tose wo bless you, And te one wo curses you I will curse. And in you all te families of te eart will be blessed. (Genesis 12:1 3) As we see in tis passage, te blessing is completely tied to purpose. Troug Abraam, te peoples of te eart would also be blessed as God made im into a great nation. Your cild s blessing comes tied to is or er purpose as well. God as a divinely ordained destiny for your cild tat includes is or er passions, personality, skills, dreams, and experiences. All of tese merge togeter to enable your cild to live out all e or se is created to be. Your cild s destiny may be defined as te customized life calling God as ordained for im or er in order to bring Him te greatest glory and acieve te maximum expansion of His kingdom. Keep in mind, your cild s blessing and purpose are never only about im or er. Tey are about God and His kingdom agenda. God is a God of bot purpose and plans. Te counsel of te Lord stands forever, te plans of His eart from generation to generation (Psalm 33:11). He as a plan tat is specific to your cild. Jeremia 29:11 says, For I know

76 66 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS te plans tat I ave for you, declares te Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a ope. Your cildren are ere for a reason. It s a tragedy if your cildren never discover wat tat purpose is. One of te most important tings you can do as a parent is elp your cildren discover teir spiritual gifts, passions, and vision so you can guide tem into teir calling. Keep in mind tat a gift is different tan a talent. I define a gift as a divinely bestowed ability wic is used to strengten oters in order to best serve God and His kingdom. A talent, on te oter and, is a uman ability in general, not infused wit te Holy Spirit s unique touc and power. Many believers don t live out teir destiny simply because tey are not aware of teir spiritual gifts. Tey may be stuck trying to utilize a talent instead of seeking God for te gift He as given to tem, or discovering ow God wants to transform tat talent into a gift. Still oters don t fulfill teir destiny because tey never discover teir gifts at all. In raising kingdom kids, be aware of te difference between gifts and talents as you try to guide your cildren toward teir personal purpose. In raising kingdom kids, be aware of te difference between gifts and talents as you try to guide your cildren toward teir personal purpose. Will it take time and effort? Yes, but it will be wort it. Before our son Antony developed a strong interest in singing, e was fascinated wit animals and wanted to be a veterinarian. Even wen e reaced college age, e planned to study to be a vet. As Antony was growing up, it was our job as is parents to elp im along tis pat of exploration so e could discover if tis was truly God s call on is life. I ll never forget te time tat Antony announced to us tat e wanted to buy a donkey. Now, we don t ave a uge backyard and we live in te city. But, regardless, we took te effort to go to different animal farms wit Antony to explore te idea of bringing ome a donkey. I even went so far as knocking on our neigbors doors to ask if tey would mind if we ad a donkey in our yard.

77 Transferring te Royal Blessing 67 Needless to say, we didn t end up getting te donkey, but my point is tat sometimes we may need to go to great lengts to give our cildren te option of discovering teir gifts. We didn t get te donkey, but we did get a number of different animals over te years and we also provided Antony wit te experience of riding orses and being wit animals at family camps or elsewere so e could learn weter or not tis was truly is calling. Too many families today live wit conflict and stress simply because tey are comprised of individuals wo don t know teir destiny or are simply not living it out. Anytime you put frustrated or disappointed people in te same ome, and add to tat te normal trials and tribulations of life, tere is going to be stress. One of te greatest ways of passing on te blessing is by providing wisdom, opportunity, and guidance toward your cild s destiny. God as a plan for your cild s life and it is a good plan filled wit purpose and ope (see Jeremia 29:11). As parents, you may sometimes feel you ave a better plan for your cildren. Maybe you ave different dreams for tem peraps to be successful as a doctor, lawyer, or accountant so you steer tem in tose directions rater tan truly umbling yourself before te Lord to discover His plan for tem. Yet trying to improve on God s plan for your cild is like trying to improve on a Picasso wit a Sarpie: You ll only mess up a masterpiece. God wants you to view your cildren troug His eyes. He wants you to view teir future troug His plans because He is all-wise, and He knows te best way for tem to live fulfilled and abundant lives. Te Gift of Song by Crystal Evans Hurst My moter sings. We grew up listening to er practice in te batroom for er solo on a Sunday morning. Her fater, our late grandfater, sang loudly and wit vigor anytime e sat in tat second row at our curc. We used to cuckle at ow loudly e would sing. He took ymns seriously. My dad sings. He wouldn t sign up to enter a vocal competition, but e can definitely carry a tune. In fact, e will break out in te corus of My Girl by te Temptations at te drop of a at. My dad s fater

78 68 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS sings. He also plays te piano and as been a fantastic musician is wole life. You could say tat we ave been mentored in music over te years. It s no surprise ten tat my broter Antony Jr. sings and sings well. He as a few albums to prove it. Bot my sister, Priscilla, and I sing. We even ave formed a quartet on special occasions, wit Antony and Jonatan joining us. One could argue tat we ave inerited tis gift of song as a part of our DNA. Wile tat may be true in part, it s not te wole story. I know lots of people wo can sing but ave siblings or cildren wo absolutely cannot. So vocal aptitude is not solely a product of a particular gene pool. Tis trait must also be related to environmental osmosis. Plain Englis? In my family, we were around song. We picked it up. Wat is true for song is also true of our spiritual eritage. Wile te four of us Evans kids are grateful for our upbringing, we are acutely aware tat wat we ave received is largely a result of spiritual traits, aptitudes, or abilities tat we were exposed to. We ad te privilege of earing our parents pray. We ave been blessed to see tem serve Crist and His body wen it was not necessarily easy to do so. We ave witnessed tem taking teir fait seriously. And not only were we able to observe and absorb te beauty of teir commitment to Crist, tey invited us to join tem. Just as we migt gater around te piano and sing in unison, we would similarly gater around te kitcen table and pray togeter in unity and be prayed for by our parents our spiritual mentors. Herein lies te blessing. Wat my grandparents gave to my parents was te gift of a spiritual ineritance. My parents in turn gave tat same gift to us. From generation to generation, te blessing was transferred. We were mentored in ministry and cultivated in Cristianity. And for tat we are grateful.

79 Transferring te Royal Blessing 69 Abraam s blessing was not only tied to purpose it was also tied to is posterity. Wen Esau missed out on te blessing from is fater, Isaac, e missed out on wat God ad initiated in Abraam. Tere was a glorious future for Abraam and is descendants as long as te blessing was passed down. As believers we are all cildren of Abraam, aving been adopted into God s royal ome. Terefore, ope for a glorious future is available to your cildren as well. Because kingdom parents ave te ability to pass down Abraam s legacy of blessing, Satan tries very ard to keep parents from understanding te significance of teir role. If e can keep a fater or moter from being a responsible parent wo raises is or er cildren according to te principles of te blessing, ten Satan as a good cance of limiting te subsequent fulfillment of teir destinies. In my counseling to families, I ve seen tis appen time and again. If Satan can keep marriages in a state of conflict rater tan in a state of united commitment, te prince of tis world can inder te blessing. A strong marriage is invaluable, and it goes a long way toward producing a ealty ome were te transfer of te blessing can occur. And not only can Satan limit te next generation s destinies by causing disruption witin marriages and in te Because kingdom parents ave te ability to pass down Abraam s legacy of blessing, Satan tries very ard to keep parents from understanding te significance of teir role. ome, e can limit succeeding generations as well. Over te course of my life, I ve ad te privilege of preacing to stadiums filled wit more tan 65,000 individuals, and I ve even spoken to a gatering of a million in our nation s Capitol. Yet tere is one time I got to preac tat ranks at te top for me. I was in my late forties at te time, and a curc in Baltimore ad asked me to come and speak at teir event on a Friday nigt. I always liked to include te kids wenever I could, so I decided to take Antony wit me on tis occasion, especially since I knew we would get to see is grandparents wo lived nearby.

80 70 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS I ll never forget my parents picking us up from te airport and taking us to do wat we always did wen we were in Baltimore eat some crabs. Later we picked troug tose crabs in my parents kitcen in te ome were I ad grown up. After tat, we eaded to te curc for te evening s program. Midway troug my sermon, I looked out and noticed someting very significant. Tere was my fater, sitting in te front row wit a big grin on is face, saying amen to my message time and time again. Parents, if you are going to raise kingdom kids wo live lives worty of te royalty for wic Crist as redeemed tem, tey need te blessing. In between is amens, e would turn to Antony and encourage im to do te same. Now I knew I ad my fater s blessing all along, but at tat moment I felt it in an especially strong way. I felt is blessing linking to me and ten transferring troug me to my son. It is one of te most treasured memories I ave. Unfortunately today, most cildren don t get te benefits of te blessing. We ave a generation of boys on our streets not knowing wat to do because tey know noting of te blessing. We ave a generation of young girls looking for love by selling temselves ceaply, not knowing teir true value as ineritors of te blessing. We ave a generation of cildren growing into adults witout aim, lacking focus, and neglecting responsibilities because tey don t ave te motivation of a future and a blessing. Parents, if you are going to raise kingdom kids wo live lives worty of te royalty for wic Crist as redeemed tem, tey need te blessing. Trut and Touc Te substance of te blessing is made up of multiple tings. One of tem involves meaningful touc. We see tis illustrated in Isaac s deliverance of te blessing wen we read, Ten is fater Isaac said to im, Please come close and kiss me, my son. So e came close and kissed im (Genesis 27:26 27). In oter places trougout Scripture we read tat in transferring te blessing,

81 Transferring te Royal Blessing 71 or anointing, te one giving te blessing laid ands on te one receiving it or kissed im or er on te foreead. In te New Testament, parents brougt teir cildren to Jesus so He could touc tem. Te disciples tried to dissuade te parents so te cildren would go away, but tis is wat appened: Wen Jesus saw tis, He was indignant and said to tem, Permit te cildren to come to Me; do not inder tem; for te kingdom of God belongs to suc as tese.... And He took tem in His arms and began blessing tem, laying His ands on tem (Mark 10:14 16). Wenever you see te transfer of te blessing in te Bible, it involves te use of touc. Touc symbolizes identification, removes distance, and communicates intimacy. Vince Lombardi is considered to be one of te most successful coaces of all time wit multiple league campionsips and wins in bot of te first two Super Bowls. His record is impressive, but is legacy is profound. Lombardi ad a special gift for motivating mediocre players to someow acieve campionsip play. In fact, Lombardi twice transformed losing teams into winning teams in just one year. He made is players believe tey were winners, could play better tan tey ad ever played before, and acieve more tan tey ever imagined. Tis belief motivated tem to practice arder tan tey tougt tey could and dedicate temselves more fully tan tey ever ad before. Lombardi is known for saying, Man responds to leadersip in a most remarkable way, and once you ave won is eart, e will follow you anywere. 4 Cildren are te same. It s interesting to note tat Lombardi coaced during an era of great racial division. In fact, wen e started, most teams in te NFL didn t even ave black players at all, and te teams tat did treated tem poorly. But not Lombardi. Similar to te touc of te blessing, Lombardi was known for a certain pat tat e would give to is players on te back of teir neck wile speaking to tem or as tey were coming in from a game or practice. In addition to te fact tat racial tensions were at an all-time ig, keep in mind tat touc can connote bot negative and positive intentions. One particular black player, Dave Robinson, spoke of tis pat on is neck in a recent documentary: My fater taugt me never to allow a wite man to pat me on te ead, e said, but Lombardi was different. A smile broke over

82 72 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS is face wile remembering is former coac. I loved it wen Lombardi patted my neck. Tis player later said tat Lombardi s funeral was te only time e ever cried at a wite man s funeral. He ad become a fater-figure to me, te former Green Bay Packer said, and I loved im. 5 Touc coupled wit words of belief and trut became a blessing tat transformed Robinson s eart a eart tat ad been ardened by a legacy of racial atred and pain. He acknowledged tat not only did it elp im become a great football player, it also made im a great man. Consider ow muc more impact you migt ave as a parent if you give your cildren te positive, loving touc of te blessing. Combine tat touc wit words spoken tat express truts of belief, onor, and favor concerning your cild s future and destiny, and you will set your cild up to fully live out te plan God as for im or er. We ll look at te blessing of te spoken word encouragement in an upcoming capter so we won t go into it deeply ere, but bot touc and trut are necessary components of passing on te blessing. Blessed to Bless Today we ave a generation of kids wo are looking for a blessing; tey are looking for someone to place is or er ands on teir ead, believe in tem, and let tem know tat a glorious future awaits tem. Remember tat te blessing is always future-oriented. We witness tis in Isaac s verbal blessing to Jacob: Now may God give you of te dew of eaven, and of te fatness of te eart, and an abundance of grain and new wine; may peoples serve you and nations bow down to you (Genesis 27:28 29). Te blessing gave Jacob someting to look forward to. I ll never forget te way my fater blessed me on a regular basis. Due to financial difficulties in is own ome growing up, e ad to drop out of ig scool in order to elp earn money to buy food for te family. As a result, e ended up doing manual labor is entire life. For nearly four decades e worked as a longsoreman, loading and unloading sips. It was backbreaking work. I frequently remember my dad coming ome exausted at te end of te day. Sometimes, based on ow te sips would come in, e would ave to work for twenty-four ours straigt.

83 Transferring te Royal Blessing 73 But even toug my dad was tired, e always found time to pray wit us, ave devotions wit us, and take us to curc. Yet even more tan tat, e communicated to us tat wat e was doing was so we could ave a better future. He d say, Tony, I m working ard like tis so tat you won t ave to work quite so ard wen you grow up. He wanted me to go to college and earn a living using my brain, and not just my back like e ad to. He wanted me to ave is blessing of a brigter future, but to give me tat required more tan words it required is commitment. I never saw my dad complain about working, and I never saw im not go to work simply because e didn t want to. My dad s commitment modeled for me is investment in me, and is example terefore encouraged me to be diligent in investing in my future as well, and in my cildren s futures. As a result, I ve tried to onor im wit my decisions every way I can. Te tragedy today is tat we ave a generation of cildren witout a future. Tey don t ave anyting to look forward to. Tey don t know ow to dream about tomorrow because tey ave no one to first dream about it for tem and wit tem. And so tey make poor decisions, risking bot teir lives and teir futures, to live for wat tey can get in te next minute all te wile trowing away te discipline and dedication it takes to live out teir destinies. Giving your cildren te blessing means giving tem a long-range view for a greater tomorrow. It means speaking ope, favor, and dedication over tem and letting tem know tat you will always be tere for tem on teir journey to reac teir destinies. A great way to begin tis process is by dedicating your cild to God as a baby. We offer tis as a ceremony at our curc, and it is done more so for te parents as a reminder of teir calling as parents tan for te cild s benefit. If you ve not ad te option of doing tis and your cild is no longer a baby, consider aving a blessing ceremony wen e or se Giving your cildren te blessing means giving tem a longrange view for a greater tomorrow. reaces a specific age. In fact, even if you did dedicate your cild as a baby, aving an additional ceremony once e or se reaces an age of understanding

84 74 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS sould prove beneficial as well. It doesn t need to be formal, altoug it can be. Invite oters to join in and pray for your cild. Peraps you can present your son or daugter wit a Bible to signify te passing of te blessing. Bear in mind tat passing on te blessing to your cildren isn t simply saying some magic words and ten, poof, it s tere. You don t just sit down and passively wait for it wile doing noting to secure it. Giving te blessing to your cildren involves passionately setting tem up for it on your part. In Genesis 18, we read about suc a commitment concerning Abraam s blessing: For I ave cosen im, so tat e may command is cildren and is ouseold after im to keep te way of te Lord by doing rigteousness and justice, so tat te Lord may bring upon Abraam wat He as spoken about im (Genesis 18:19). Abraam s transference of te blessing to is cildren and descendants required is responsibility. As parents raising kingdom kids, we ave an equal responsibility. Abraam s destiny included bringing is cildren to te fulfillment of teir destinies as well. He was to command is ouseold to keep te way of te Lord by doing rigteousness and justice. Like Abraam, we are not simply ere to exist we ave been selected to be part of te royal family; we ave been cosen to bring up te next eirs and eiresses apparent to teir rigtful positions as rulers in God s kingdom. Tat is one of te reasons wy I ave cosen to dedicate an entire section in tis book to instilling kingdom virtues. In order for you to teac your cildren te ways of te Lord, it is critical to first know tem and practice tem yourself. And wile tese virtues may be ones tat you ave already mastered, it is important to review te foundational principles involved wit eac one so tat you can better know ow to transmit tem to your cildren. It s also wy I ve put togeter a workbook you can use wit your cildren as a means of transferring and reviewing tese virtues. Caracter development and te passing of te blessing require effort on your part as a parent, and tere is no better way of doing tat tan setting aside specific times to talk wit your cildren about God s Word and its impact on life. Of course te list of virtues covered is not exaustive, but it provides a good foundation on wic to build. As parents, you set te pace and te standards for everyone in your ome. You establis te goals; you take te lead in disciplesip. Tat is one of your

85 Transferring te Royal Blessing 75 primary roles, and it is critical for bringing about te transference and realization of te blessing. And, faters, let me just remind you in biblical times, it wasn t te moters wo were carged wit te primary responsibility of raising te kids. It was te faters job. Te moter was tere to elp. But it was te fater wo saw to teir apprenticesip, teir spiritual training, teir teacing and training. Somewere along te line, we as men ave misunderstood te ig calling of faterood. We are not put in te family to elp, but to lead and to lead well. Remember te example of King Olav V of Norway, a king wo ruled well. Te blessing We are not put in te family to elp, but to lead and to lead well. upon is reign manifested trougout is years and even into is legacy. May your cildren experience te same level of God s favor as you position tem to receive God s greatest blessing upon teir lives, along wit te manifestation of teir dreams and destinies.

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87 PART II CULTIVATING A KINGDOM ATMOSPHERE

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89 6 LOVE IS AS LOVE DOES Kingdom parenting involves intentionally overseeing te generational transfer of te fait in suc a way tat cildren learn to consistently live all of life under God s divine rule. Te greatest kingdom rule, given to us by God, is tat of love. We ave been called to love Him wit all of our eart, mind, soul, and strengt as well as to love oters as ourselves (see Luke 10:27). Loving God ougt to be your cild s igest priority in life. And it sould be your igest priority as well, bot as a parent and a cild of te King yourself. Loving God sould translate into passionately seeking His glory and submitting to His will as your cief motivation in life. We are to love God wit all of our eart te core of our desires and affections; wit all of our mind conforming our tinking to His Word; wit all of our soul placing te uniqueness of our personalities under His control; and wit all of our strengt using our body and energy to perform His will. Our love for God, ten, is meant to overflow into compassionately seeking te well-being of oters and treating tem as you would ave tem treat you. Love is God s idea, and it s te most important element in cultivating a kingdom atmospere in your ome. If we are going to raise kingdom kids, we ave to lay tis part of te foundation carefully and securely. Anyting built on a weak foundation will come crasing down sooner or later, and today we can observe many beautiful-looking omes tat are falling apart. Tey were built on te world s misguided definition of love, wic is often rooted merely in emotion

90 80 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS or convenience. Yet God s kingdom definition of love if we coose to apply it will transform not only te atmospere but also te dynamics of our ome. Love always involves an element of connectedness, an important trait for establising a ealty family. It can best be defined as te degree of closeness and warmt between cildren and teir God s kingdom definition of love if we coose to apply it will transform not only te atmospere but also te dynamics of our ome. parents. It includes spending quality time togeter, aving fun, saring leisure times, and being involved in scool events and omework. So ow do we build connectedness in our families and raise our cildren according to God s definition of kingdom-based love? God as provided some practical directions in a familiar passage of Scripture. First Corintians 13 is commonly called te Love Capter. Altoug its message is usually discussed in terms of personal growt, its portrait of love applies equally to te family. Love Lesson #1 If I speak wit te tongues of men and of angels, but do not ave love, I ave become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal (1 Corintians 13:1). In capter 13, te apostle Paul says a lot about wat it means to truly love. Wen we apply tese principles to our ome, we will see te resultant fruit. Te opening verse its me as a usband, fater, and a preacer rigt in te eart. As a kingdom man and a kingdom fater, I ve ad more tan enoug opportunities to do plenty of talking to my cildren, weter it s around te dinner table aving devotions, gatered around te fireplace discussing te day s events, or simply saring wit eac one a principle tat God ad taugt me tat day. And at least wen my cildren were little tey ung on every word I said. Daddy knew best, or so tey tougt. To be onest, I enjoyed teir rapt attention and teir confidence in me. It made me feel strong and knowledgeable and loved.

91 Love Is as Love Does 81 As a preacer for over four decades, I ve also ad more tan my fair sare of opportunities to speak in front of people. One time I tried to add up te number of people over te years tat I ve addressed, and I lost track somewere around ten million. Speaking is my passion, particularly wen it relates to God s Word. I especially like tose times wen te congregation is really tracking wit me and I can t go more tan two or tree sentences witout earing a corus of amens. Hopefully during tose times te Holy Spirit is driving ome a principle for te majority of my listeners. Watever te case, I m always deligted to impact people troug words. However, no matter ow effective I may tink my speec is, 1 Corintians 13:1 says tat words ring ollow unless tey are backed up by genuine love. Wile congregations, clients, Sunday scool classes, coworkers and cildren may ear te voice of an angel, God ears an out-of-tune soul tat sounds more like an old gong or an irritating and crasing cymbal tat won t stop making noise. He covers His antropomorpic ears and cries, Hus! Te ability to sound good means noting if it doesn t stem from a truly loving eart. As te title of tis capter says, love is as love does. Talk is talk, and wen it is not backed up by actions tat reflect a eart of love a eart committed to someone else s well-being and good it s just words. Weter it s a text message to your cildren saying, I love you or a eartto-eart talk wit someone before e or se leaves ome, wen it is not backed up wit action, it s just ceap, clanging gongs. Your actions must demonstrate to tem tat te tings tey are struggling wit get addressed, te areas were tey need comfort get comforted, te esteem tat tey legitimately need is awarded, and te time tey crave wit you gets offered, or it s just ceap clanging gongs. Sooner or later tey will see troug te words only to ear your actions instead, leaving tem wit a eart tat was once soft toward you now bitter and cold. Love Lesson #2 Te next verse we re going to examine is 1 Corintians 13:2: If I ave te gift of propecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I ave all fait, so

92 82 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS as to remove mountains, but do not ave love, I am noting. Tis passage tells us tat it s possible to look, act, and even sound very spiritual and still amount to noting. It s possible to be blessed wit many gifts of te Spirit and still be bankrupt. It s possible to be a great teacer and yet leave no lasting impact for good. You may know all te verses, understand te principles of te fait, and compreend te proper lessons and discipline to impart to your cildren. But if you are more focused on you tan on your ome, tat s wat will come troug. As a fater, if your motivation for teacing your family about God s Word is so you can look good publicly, ten it s not autentic. Paul says clearly tat wen your gifts are built on a foundation oter tan love, tey are noting. Ladies, tis goes for you as well. If you treat your usband wit disrespect, belittle im in front of your cildren and oters, or fail to open your ome in gestures of ospitality and friendsip, it doesn t matter ow many curc committees you re on or ow many lunceons you attend. It doesn t even matter weter oters in te curc look to you as a paragon of fait. If te foundation for your spiritual appearance is someting oter tan love, in God s eyes it is noting at all. Emotions Don t Have Intellect by Antony Evans Jr. One of te most poignant tings my dad as ever told me is tis: Antony, emotions don t ave intellect. Tose words ave continued to resonate trougout te ups and downs of my life. One of te main areas I ve felt te impact of tese words as been in te area of love. For most of modern culture, love is all about emotions and feelings. It is rarely defined by making a decision and moving in a particular direction in spite of te way one feels. I ave ad te opportunity to watc my parents express love in spite of circumstances tat made many tings unlovable. I ve seen tis clearly wen it comes to te curc, our family, and te ministry. Te greatest example I can tink of is myself. Tere were moments in my cildood and early adultood wen my actions made me te ardest person to love. In te Evans ouseold, I m te emotional kid wo wears is feel-

93 Love Is as Love Does 83 ings on is sleeve and good or bad lets you know wat s resonating in is eart. Tere was a time were my internal emotional struggles surfaced in a way tat could ave been seen almost as atred toward my parents and teir ministry. I didn t want to ave anyting to do wit te curc, and altoug I didn t ave a desire to urt my parents, I could not separate tem from te urt I blamed on tat big building across te street. Early in my life I subconsciously considered te curc an enemy, an institution tat competed for my fater s attention and often won. It took me until I was well into my late twenties to talk wit my fater and communicate tings e never knew. My fater s response to my complaints could ave been irritation and self-defense, but I will never forget wat e did after earing me tell im ow I felt in te depts of my eart. I ad gone back to my room, and ten I eard is familiar footsteps coming down te all. Te door gently opened, and in one breat my fater said, I apologize for te way I urt you. No excuses, no disclaimers, no reference to te way I responded. He just empatized wit me and loved me. My fater defined for me tat day te true meaning of love. He looked beyond is intentions into my experience and loved me in spite of te incongruence wit wat e intended. My encouragement to you as a Cristian parent is to lead by example wen it comes to loving. My own desire is to be te kind of man tat can do wat my dad exemplified, not just wat e said. Love Lesson #3 Love is patient, love is kind (1 Corintians 13:4). Te essence of a good teacer is patience and as parents, we are teacers. Our cildren are te students. Sadly, we usually ave a arder time being patient wit our own kids tan we do wit oter people s kids. Wen our cildren attempt a task for te first time and make a mistake, our tendency is to run over, correct it, and finis it ourselves. After all, it s easier tat way. At least te task will get done. Yet te best ting to do at suc moments is to let tem make te mistake, explain ow to do it rigt te next time, and provide tem wit te opportunity to

94 84 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS try again. Sometimes te most loving ting we can do is to let go, even if we cringe wile doing it. I remember a time I faced a situation requiring patience in our ome. My younger son, Jonatan, struggled in scool due to ADD, wic severely indered is ability to read early on. As te self-appointed omework assistant in te Evans ome, I would often spend ours wit Jonatan in te evening, sitting at te kitcen table trying to elp im read or elping im complete anoter omework assignment tat involved reading. Reading is so foundational to everyting else, and it was difficult for im to complete any of is scoolwork because e struggled in tis key area. Dealing wit tis issue came at te eigt of my traveling and preacing opportunities, as well as at a time of unprecedented growt at our curc. Promise Keepers ad exploded on te American scene and required a significant portion of my attention. I needed to spend intentional time managing our curc growt, in addition to my normal counseling sessions and preparation for preacing. I don t tink Jonatan s need for elp could ave come at a worse time as far as my availability bot pysically and mentally were concerned. Yet Jonatan was my son, and as suc, e was my first priority. His needs trumped all oters, and so weter I was tired or not, weter I was worn out or not, weter I ad ad a long day or not every nigt I would sit wit Jonatan and elp im wit is omework, often staying up until midnigt. Now, if anyone migt ave been tempted to just read it for im, answer it for im, and fill in te blanks for im it would ave been me back ten. But I knew tat wouldn t ave prepared im to perform well as e continued in scool and later into adultood. As an our would pass, and ten two eac nigt, I ad to call on my patience to guide Jonatan as e decipered wat to do eac step of te way. More tan tat, I couldn t let Jonatan see my lack of patience, because noting can crus a cild more tan te feeling tat is parent is trying to off-load im quickly so as to move on to someting else. As we continued to spend time togeter regularly at te table at te end of eac day, I actually began to look forward to tis time wit Jonatan. He s always ad a unique and special spirit, and I got to see even more evidence of tat wen I saw ow e faced callenges. In time, Jonatan learned to read

95 Love Is as Love Does 85 on is own. In fact, e went on to attend Baylor University on a full football scolarsip, and e completed is degree in only tree-and-a-alf years. Jonatan, now a usband and fater imself, spent a few seasons in te NFL, and e s now studying for is master s degree at Dallas Teological Seminary. At te time of tis writing, wit several classes under is belt, e is an onors student. He also serves as te team caplain for te Dallas Cowboys. Tose ours wit Jonatan at te table paved te way for wat God would later provide as e lives out is destiny. I did wat I could and left te rest wit God. As a parent, loving requires an investment of time. Leading wit patience and love involves doing all tat you can for as long as you can, wile leaving te results wit God. Had I tried to force te results I wanted early on, I may ave ended up frustrating Jonatan and causing a rift in our relationsip as well. Maybe Jonatan would ave gotten te notion tat e could never do well in scool and wouldn t ave ad te resolve to pursue is education. In any case, I wouldn t ave ad is best interests in Raising kingdom kids always keeps te best interests of te cild at eart, no matter ow busy your scedule, ow tired you feel, or ow opeless te situation may appear and it always requires patience. mind, and tat would not ave been love. Raising kingdom kids always keeps te best interests of te cild at eart, no matter ow busy your scedule, ow tired you feel, or ow opeless te situation may appear and it always requires patience. Did I ever feel like giving up during a omework session and just saying, Let s call it a nigt? Yes. And sometimes I did especially wen I could see tat Jonatan was tired too. At times e would sit tere crying because it was just too ard for im to focus, and it would literally break my eart to watc im struggle. But I ad made a commitment to elp im, and no matter ow muc patience tat would require, I was going to do my part. I would tell im, Jonatan, it s going to be all rigt. We re going to get troug tis. I m ere wit you, and I m not going to leave.

96 86 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS At te time, tere was a great pus to put cildren diagnosed wit ADD on medication. Wile is doctor ad recommended tis for Jonatan, Lois and I prayed troug tis decision and ultimately decided tat we would seek to empower Jonatan to learn ow to succeed in life witout medication. Tat decision meant I would ave to invest additional ours to teac im ow to complete assignments and also make sure e did complete tem. But in te end, tese lessons Jonatan learned ave stayed wit im and still elp im to tis day. Love Lesson #4 Love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered (1 Corintians 13:4 5). We can see from tis verse tat jealousy, pride, and conceit are tree deadly enemies of family unity and ealt. Family members wo love one anoter encourage one anoter s talents and gifts. Tey do not seek to one up eac oter. Parents, watc tis one particularly in yourselves. Wen you compare one cild wit anoter, you may tink your motivation is elping tat cild improve, but tis kind of comparison is urtful. Many parents encourage te talents of one cild at te expense of anoter. Even worse, some parents devalue te gifts of one cild wit te line, Wy can t you be more like your broter or sister? Remember, even if your cildren s gifts or talents are not te ones you would ave cosen for tem, tey are te gifts and talents God as cosen. Don t let your pride or selfisness get in te way of encouragement. If you and your spouse bot graduated from college, for instance, and want your kids to do te same, be careful to guard against any negative reaction you may give a cild wo cooses to go to a vocational scool and pursue a trade. Instead of wising tat cild were more like you, offer encouragement and support for is or er coice. Tey say tat confession is good for te soul, so ere goes: If you ve read any of my books or ave eard me preac, you probably already know ow muc I loved football wen I was growing up. As a young boy in te bustling Baltimore Wasington Metroplex, I dreamed of one day playing professional

97 Love Is as Love Does 87 football. I would eat my mom s famous double-decker sandwices or tat extra piece of fried cicken to try and be big enoug to eventually play. Unfortunately, an injury just before my eigteent birtday brougt tat dream to an end. So wat did I do instead? Well, I tried to live out my vision troug my older son, Antony. From te day of is birt, e was surrounded by footballs. He ad a football waiting in is crib wen e came ome from te ospital. Playtime wit Daddy meant tossing a football or watcing a game togeter. Can you guess ow all my efforts to indoctrinate my now widely acclaimed professional singer son turned out? Yes, e ates football or at least e used to. And te more I would bring it up wen e was younger, te more e ated it. Because of my own inability to acieve my dream, I wanted Antony to play for me. I wanted to live vicariously troug im. I gave little tougt to is enjoyment, and in so doing, I was loving myself; I wasn t loving im. I was raising im in te way I wanted im to go, not in te way e sould go, wic is wat Proverbs advises. It says, Train up a cild in te way e sould go, even wen e is old e will not depart from it (22:6). In te original language of te Scripture, te prase in te way e sould go refers to a cild s bent, or uniqueness. Unfortunately, tis is one of te most misinterpreted biblical passages. It is not a promise tat if you train up a cild in Cristian principles, e or se will stay faitful to tose principles wen e or se is older. Wat it is referring to is tat if you ave enoug wisdom and insigt to train your cild according to te unique fingerprints of is or er personality God-given skills, gifts, and interests wen tat cild is older, e or se will remain on tat pat. It is an admonition to parents to study teir cildren well, and ten guide tem in te direction tat best fits teir interests and natural abilities. Had I studied Antony well, I would ave noticed te football lying in te corner of te room under a pile of clotes as an indication of wat it truly was: He just wasn t interested in football. I wis I could go back and cange wat I focused on were e was concerned during tose early years, but I can t. And I m grateful today tat e as a triving music ministry, crossing into bot Cristian and secular audiences and saring God s love troug te power of is voice. But learn from me never try to live out your unmet dream troug

98 88 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS your cildren. Rater, study your cildren to recognize teir abilities and talents, and ten point tem in te rigt direction at a young age. If you do, Scripture tells us tat tey likely True love is seeking God s will and destiny for te oter person, not seeking your will and destiny troug te oter person. will not depart from it. True love is seeking God s will and destiny for te oter person, not seeking your will and destiny troug te oter person. Love is compassionately and rigteously pursuing te well-being of anoter. Love is not a loud parent boasting of providing for teir cildren wile ignoring deeper needs tat sould be met. It is not saying, Of course we love you. Look at tis ouse. Look at your clotes. Look at wat we ve given you. Love is quiet. It s a tougtful deed done for a cild wit te expectation of noting in return. It s going te extra mile wit your cildren, even wen you feel too tired to do it. Love is never rude, nor is it selfis. Wy is it tat we re often gentle and courteous wit business associates, friends, and even complete strangers, yet for some reason we don t feel te need to extend any of tis to our own families? Common courtesy is a lost art, even in many Cristian omes. It doesn t take too muc effort to offer a kind word or once in a wile clean up a mess around te ouse tat you didn t make. Te largest love is often revealed in te smallest acts. Men, remember wen you were dating your wife and you couldn t wait to open te car door for er? Now se s lucky to get into te car before you drive off. Ladies, remember wen you would go to great pains to fix your usband s favorite meal? Now e s lucky to get someting to warm up in te microwave. Love never forgets te little tings. Paul tells us in 1 Corintians 13:6, [Love] does not rejoice in unrigteousness, but rejoices wit te trut. One of te most painful experiences of life is to watc one of your cildren stumble and fall wile you re absolutely powerless to do anyting about it. It s arder yet to sit by elplessly and watc tat cild suffer te consequences. Yet, if we tink it troug, we know tat stumbling,

99 Love Is as Love Does 89 falling, and getting back up again are common parts of spiritual (or any oter kind of) growt. I remember ow nervous we felt wen our first cild, Crystal, was learning to walk. We were caugt up in te tension of wanting to be close enoug to catc er if se stumbled yet far enoug away tat se ad to take te risk of walking in order to get to us. Te nature of life s bumps and bruises canges over time, but wat remains constant is giving your cildren room to grow, comforting tem wen tey fall, and elping tem get back on teir feet again. Wat is critical is tat you are tere for tem. Wat kind of parents would Te largest love is often revealed in te smallest acts. we ave been if we saw Crystal trying to walk and left te room? Te same is true as our cildren grow older. Tey need us to be wit tem wen tey coose wisely as well as wen tey make poor decisions. No, it won t always be fun te scripture says tat love does not take pleasure in oters sins but we can use tose opportunities to demonstrate unconditional love and teac our kids ow to make a better coice next time. We don t need any more cotton-candy parents, full of noting but sugar and sweetness. You are not meant to buy your cildren watever tey want, applaud everyting tey do, and say yes to watever tey demand. Permissive parenting doesn t produce kingdom kids; it creates cotton-candy kids kids witout te strengt or substance to make it troug wen life gets callenging. To develop strengt and substance in your cildren, you ll need to model it for tem and wit tem during te trials and mistakes tat you bot will encounter along life s pat. Remember, one day te toys are going to break and te clotes will get too small, but a spiritual eritage will cross generations. Tat is te ting you give to your kids tat will last forever. Love Lesson #5 [Love] bears all tings, believes all tings, opes all tings, endures all tings (1 Corintians 13:7). How many times do you bring up te past wile

100 90 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS correcting your cildren in te present, long after tey ave apologized and truly tried to live according to te rules you ve set? Wat a cild learns from tat is tat Mom and Dad don t really forgive; tey keeping a running count of all misdeeds. Wat s te point of doing wat you re told if Mom and Dad keep bringing up tings from te past? It s true wit your spouse as well. I can t even count te number of times during counseling sessions wen I ve eard a usband or wife refuse to acknowledge te present problem in teir relationsip, instead going back years in te past to dredge up a urtful moment tat as long been atoned for. Wen I tell a couple we can t proceed witout some forgiveness being extended, I ear te clincer. One spouse cimes in and says, Well, I can forgive, but I can t forget. Far too often, we old te pain of te past over our loved one s ead like a club, or we remind tem of te burden we still carry because of someting tey did years ago wenever we want to get te upper and. How grateful we sould be tat if we re repentant and earnestly desire to turn our lives around, God will remember [our] sins no more. If He operated on te principles we often use wit one anoter, we d all be bound for ell on a fast track. I know tat true love and forgiveness work in families. Wile I ve seen many families old eac oter in bondage because of te sins of te past, I ve also seen oters overcome incredible odds to forgive, forget, and restore broken relationsips. I ve seen rebellious kids wo ave run off into a life of alcool and drug abuse turn teir lives around, and I ve watced wit great joy as parents and cildren worked togeter on te ard pat of reconciliation. Wat 1 Corintians 13 boils down to is unconditional love love tat is not based on your cild s performance or on ow you feel about your family on any given day. Ultimately, unconditional love is one of te greatest ways of sowing someone onor. As usbands and wives, we must never lose sigt of te vow of unconditional love we made to eac oter during our wedding ceremony, and we sould be aware of ow tat sould extend to our cildren. Te dept to wic we adere to tose vows will determine te spiritual strengt of our ome. Cildren are vulnerable and sensitive. Tey are affected by our actions even wen we tink tey may not notice. Love requires effort. Toug good

101 Love Is as Love Does 91 feelings, positive emotions, and serenity may be known troug love, tey are not (as our culture tells us) te goal. Te aim of love is to promote anoter s well-being, and tat especially applies to tose witin our own ome. It means more tan merely teacing your kids kingdom principles and virtues it means modeling tem. Giving yourself for te betterment of anoter is difficult work, no doubt. Our pride is strong, and we often would rater not make te ard coice of going out of our way for our families, especially if we feel tat we re giving a lot already. It s muc more comfortable to sit in curc and say amen to a sermon on love tan to spend ours tutoring a cild in spelling or mat. It s a lot easier to keep busy wit curc activities or work long ours all week tan it is to go to your spouse or your kids wen you ve neglected or dismissed tem, admit you re wrong, and seek to make tings rigt. Love is as love does. Your cildren will follow wat you model. Tey will know tey are loved by wat you do. Te trut about kingdom love is simple and biblical: Love is as love does. Your cildren will follow wat you model. Tey will know tey are loved by wat you do.

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103 7 THREE PILLARS OF PARENTING Families determine te future, making parenting one of te most critical tasks on eart. Unfortunately, today Satan as done a great job of dismantling te family. Satan despises te family because e knows tat God s plan is for te eart to be blessed troug te family. Not only tat, Satan as also been after te family since te beginning of time. If you recall from te book of Genesis, e never botered Adam until after Adam got married. Satan wasn t just after a man; e was after te future. Satan wants your cildren because e wants to control tomorrow by advancing a culture of rebellion. However, God as instructed us in His Word concerning tree pillars of parenting wic if followed can stabilize and protect your ome, as well as future generations, from te attacks of te enemy. Raising kingdom kids involves carrying out eac of tese tree important pillars on a regular basis: encouragement, discipline, and instruction. Doing so elps to establis a strong family wit consistent expectations and follow-troug. Encouragement We learn about our first pillar troug te words of Paul wen e penned wat will serve as our primary verse for tis capter: Faters, do not provoke your cildren to anger, but bring tem up in te discipline and instruction of

104 94 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS te Lord (Epesians 6:4). Paul reiterated te same concept in is letter to te curc at Colossae wen e wrote, Faters, do not exasperate your cildren, so tat tey will not lose eart (Colossians 3:21). Yet before we dive into tis arena of encouragement, I want to point out tat in bot verses Paul used te Greek word tat as been translated into faters. It applies to te male parent, but it can also encompass bot parents in its application. Te same Greek word is used in Hebrews 11:23 wen talking about Moses moter and fater, and it is often translated as parents. 1 In coosing tat term, Paul wasn t limiting tis pillar of parenting to just te man. Tese verses could ave just as easily been translated as Parents, do not exasperate your cildren or Parents, do not provoke your cildren to anger. I also want to point out wat tey could not be translated to read. Tey could not ave been translated as, Government, do not exasperate your cildren, or Village, do not exasperate your cildren, or Scool system, do not provoke your cildren to anger. Tis is because te onus of raising kingdom kids is on te parents. It is on you and me, not te government, or even our scools. A cild needs parents to raise im or er well, not a village. Unless te village as kingdom values, tat village will mess up a person. After all, gangs are villages. Entertainment is a village as well. In fact, entertainment is probably te most prevalent village raising kids in our nation today. Te average cild spends tirty-two or more ours a week in front of te television, tablet, gaming devices, or oter forms of electronic media. 2 We don t need more villages raising kids; we need more parents raising kingdom kids. It is te parents responsibility to raise teir cildren well, and one of te first ways to do tis is by not exasperating tem. Tis means tat parents are not to provoke teir cildren. Tey re not to create irritation, anger, and frustration in te lives of teir cildren. We can easily turn tis verse around and say tat, rater tan discouraging tem, parents are to encourage teir cildren. Scripture tells us, Deat and life are in te power of te tongue (Proverbs 18:21). A parent wo discourages is or er cildren instead of encouraging tem speaks failure and curses into teir future. Instead, as parents we are called to give encouragement. Tere s a difference between encouragement and praise, toug. Praise is tied to wat a person accomplised. Your cild did someting

105 Tree Pillars of Parenting 95 you want to acknowledge. Praise is good. But cildren need encouragement even more. Encouragement is not tied to wat tey did; it s tied to wo tey are. Encouragement relates to teir identity in Crist and teir ineritance as image bearers of God Himself as cildren of te King. Have you ever seen a drooping plant quickly perk up wen someone pours some water on it? Tat s wat encouragement does. Encouragement will take a droopy kid and perk im or er up again. As te Bible tells us, Pleasant words are a oneycomb, sweet to te soul and ealing to te bones (Proverbs 16:24). Encouraging your cildren gives tem an expectation of God s goodness and favor on bot teir todays and teir tomorrows. It sets witin teir earts an anticipation of a glorious future. Encouragement tells tem tey are fearfully and wonderfully made and ave been gifted by God. It elps tem believe tat God as a plan for tem filled wit bot a future and a ope. One reason so many teenagers get caugt up wit negative groups of teir peers today is because tat s were teir encouragement is found. Tey get more affirmation from teir peers tan teir parents, and so tey respond to tat wic makes tem feel significant. Parents, let your words reac deep into your cildren s earts wit Encouraging your cildren gives tem an expectation of God s goodness and favor on bot teir todays and teir tomorrows. encouraging truts tat communicate to tem tat you know teir personalities, dreams, opes, struggles and tat it will all turn out okay because of wo tey are and to wom tey belong. Give tem te ope tat tey need to face eac day. On top of tat, don t provoke your cildren to anger, as Paul said. Provoking tem can appen by disrespecting tem in your words or actions, comparing tem to oters, or even sowing favoritism to one cild over te oters. We all remember wat Josep s broters did wen is fater sowed favoritism by giving im te multicolored coat. Be fair wit your treatment, time, and attention, because your cildren are all equally valuable to our eavenly Fater.

106 96 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Being critical, finding fault, and setting up your cildren wit negative tougts about te future can also develop in tem a spirit of frustration. Tese tings ave a profound impact on cildren, more so tan we migt even know or realize, so always be mindful of weter you are speaking life to tem or discouraging tem wit your words and actions. Tere are times wen it may not feel very easy to encourage your cild, but tose are te times you need to dig deep and find te patience and commitment required. Lois and I faced a time like tat wit our oldest cild, Crystal. Crystal was around twelve years old wen se developed wat I would call an identity crisis. I ad never seen anyone struggle wit is or er identity on suc a profound level, let alone at suc a young age, and I was literally at a loss for wat to say to er. At times se would be crying and asking us to elp er, but neiter of us knew wat to do. Lois and I would look at eac oter as if to say, You andle tis. Tis went on for so long tat it became frustrating, and at times I just wanted to give up and walk away. But even toug I couldn t understand were it came from or were it was going, I ad to dig deep to find te patience to walk wit Crystal troug it. Part of parenting is in connecting your cild wit a ealty esteem. Some cildren are more difficult tan oters in tis area. Some kids seem born wit a strong esteem, wile oters are more fragile. As a parent you must be committed to walk wit eac cild as e or se discovers is or er personal identity and esteem. Tankfully, Crystal came troug tis callenge and discovered er strengts and purpose. But getting troug it required muc patience from us as er parents and a lot of encouragement. Above all else, encourage your cildren and build tem up. Discipline Pillar number two is discipline. Paul wrote, Faters, do not provoke your cildren to anger, but bring tem up in te discipline and instruction of te Lord (Epesians 6:4). Discipline involves a number of tings. It is not only a corrective influence in a cild s life, it also involves instilling personal discipline witin is or er life. Discipline is a key factor in any victorious Cristian life, weter it is

107 Tree Pillars of Parenting 97 discipline in money management, time spent, or personal morality. Job wrote during is distress tat e ad disciplined is eyes so as to not lust on a woman: I ave made a covenant wit my eyes (Job 31:1). And Paul spoke of te discipline e ad maintained so tat e would finis is race strong: I discipline my body and make it my slave, so tat, after I ave preaced to oters, I myself will not be disqualified (1 Corintians 9:27). Parental discipline, wen done well, trains your cildren to apply personal discipline as tey grow older, as well as prevents tem from making poor decisions later in life. Te parents of te great missionary to Cina during te 1800s, Hudson Taylor, strove to teac im personal discipline by putting a piece of dessert on te table in front of is evening meal and giving im te option of not eating it because e trusted tem for a greater reward at a later time. In tis way, e Parental discipline, wen done well, trains your cildren to apply personal discipline as tey grow older, as well as prevents tem from making poor decisions later in life. ad te option to eat it, but e also received te greater reward of is parents affirmation and an unexpected treat later on wen e cose not to do so. See if you can do witout was [one of Hudson Taylor s fater s maxims]. Tis of course applied, among oter tings, to te simple pleasures of te table. Porridge wit bread and butter for breakfast, meat once a day, and bread and butter or toast for tea was te usual routine. But sugar and preserves were allowed in moderation, and extra-nice cakes or puddings occasionally found a place. As a rule te cildren sared watever was provided, teir parents deligting to give tem pleasure no less tan oter faters and moters te wide world over. At te same time tey fully realised te lifelong influence of little abits. At any cost to temselves and witin wise limits to te cildren, tey felt tey must secure to tem te power of self-control.

108 98 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS By-and-by, te fater would explain, you will ave to say No to yourself wen we are not tere to elp you; and very difficult you will find it wen you want a ting tremendously. So let us try to practise now, for te sooner you begin te stronger will be te abit. It was a principle difficult of application, no doubt, wen a favourite dis was in question. But toug it was at least as ard for im as for tem, e would encourage tem to go te wole lengt on occasions, saying ceerfully, Wo will see if tey can do witout today? Te cildren were not blamed if tey could not respond as e desired, but were commended if tey did, te moter generally arranging some little surprise at nigt a few almonds and raisins, or an orange, wit an extra-loving kiss. 3 Tat reward of teir affirmation would stay wit Taylor over a period of several days as a reminder of is coice. He said tat tis affirmation, even more so tan te greater reward later on, was a critical learning opportunity for im as a cild. Not only tat, it later transferred to is adult life wen e ad coices to make on a muc larger scale. Because e was able to delay te rewards of immediate gratification for an even deeper, more meaningful, and lasting reward from is eavenly Fater, e ad a positive impact on te nation of Cina. Tere are also corrective measures a parent must apply in order to raise kingdom kids. Essentially, your cildren are born wit ell in tem a sin nature and it is your job to correct and train tem so te Holy Spirit is te dominant influencer in teir life instead of teir fles. Corrective discipline is designed to break a strong, rebellious will tat a cild migt ave yet witout breaking te precious spirit God as placed witin tat cild. Discipline comes in a variety of different forms, and depending on your cildren s personalities, wat works for one may not work for anoter. For some cildren, te greatest discipline migt include being sent to teir room alone. For anoter cild, owever, tat could be a reward. Tis is wy it is so critical to understand and know your cildren so you are able to raise tem according to teir individual personalities and needs. My fater knew wat worked wit me. And because e did, e didn t ave

109 Tree Pillars of Parenting 99 to discipline me muc. Wen e did, it was done in suc a way tat I would never forget it. My dad called my discipline sessions, and tey took place in te basement. Wat s worse is tat e would send me down for a session and ten make me wait. I knew wat was about to appen, and e wanted me to ave plenty of time to tink about watever I ad done to get myself into tis mess in te first place. Before my dad started a session, e would say someting like, Now, are we ever going to do suc-and-suc again? I would always say, No, Dad. He usually asked me again to confirm it, and I would say no again often loud enoug tat te neigbors could ear. And I meant it. Now, keep in mind, disciplining your cild is not te same as cild abuse. Corrective discipline is designed to break a strong, rebellious will tat a cild migt ave yet witout breaking te precious spirit God as placed witin tat cild. Tat is completely wrong and as noting to do wit love. Wile discipline ougt to produce some level of pain weter by removing games, reducing socializing or spending, putting your cild to work on an extra laborious core, or some oter rational form it sould be constructive pain, designed to teac your cild not to engage in te wrong beavior again. Te goal in discipline is always correction. You re trying to create obedience wile maintaining your cild s personal dignity and esteem. Discipline is not yelling at your cild tat s venting. It must be coupled wit love or your cild will not see it for te good you ope to gain troug it. You will end up only provoking your cild to anger by being angry yourself. Discipline must flow out of a eart of compassion for your cild s well-being and future, just as we read in Hebrews concerning God: For tose wom te Lord loves He disciplines (Hebrews 12:6). Anoter critical element in performing discipline tat will establis kingdom principles in your cild is setting clear boundaries aead of time. Disciplining your cildren for someting tey didn t realize was wrong and maybe

110 100 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS was someting tat just irritated you will bring about only confusion and animosity in tem, not spiritual growt. God always sets clear boundaries wit us, and we sould do te same wit our own cildren. Wen you teac your cildren tat boundaries are actually an open door to freedom, tey will be more receptive to tem. You can establis freedom by instructing your cildren tat tey are free to do wat tey want witin te boundaries you ave provided. As tey continue to onor tose boundaries, tey earn more freedom. Let s say tey faitfully adere to a 10:00 p.m. curfew. In time you could reward tem wit more freedom by moving tat curfew to 10:30 p.m. Tis will teac tem tat rewards come from obeying boundaries. Parents, remember tat it s okay to reward obedience. God modeled tis for us all te time trougout Scripture. Often His promises to te Israelites were dependent upon weter tey obeyed His commands. Teac your cildren to obey wit onor. Tis means te cild is not walking around wit a scowl on is or er face, obeying you but at te same time making te atmospere smolder. If tat appens, you need to let your cild know tat it is not obedience until e or se also fixes is or er facial expression and attitude. Along wit te area of boundaries, parents must establis clearly defined expectations about wat cildren are to contribute to te function of te ome. Weter tat means cores tey perform, meals tey prepare, or elping out wit siblings, a ealty family atmospere is one were tere is clear communication about expectations. In addition, be consistent in enforcing tose expectations. Instruction Te tird pillar of parenting is instruction. As parents, we are to raise our cildren in te instruction of te Lord. We are to duplicate in tem te same instruction we receive from Him. Wen I preac at our curc in Dallas, te message gets recorded onto a master CD. Tis master CD is later inserted into a duplicating macine to produce CDs for our curc members and distributed troug our national ministry, Te Urban Alternative.

111 Tree Pillars of Parenting 101 Only one master CD exists for eac message, but tousands of duplicates are created. I learned someting interesting about tis process long ago wen we first began it te blank CDs (audio-cassettes wen we first started) are inserted into a macine called te slave unit. Te slave unit as one mission: to duplicate te message of te master. It doesn t add to it, take away from it, or distort it. Wat a great illustration tis is for us as believers in Jesus Crist! As His followers, we are to replicate His image on eart. We are His slaves and He is our Master (see Epesians 6:6). Te goal of disciplesip is to reproduce te Master as completely and accurately as possible. Tat is also te goal of instructing your cildren in te Lord. In doing so, you are intentionally discipling tem to embody and live out te message of te Master, Jesus Crist. You are teacing tem te values of rigteousness before God and justice among men ow to live lives punctuated by equity and fairness, kindness, compassion, and love. My Mout, te Culprit by Priscilla Sirer I ll admit it I got into a lot more trouble tan my siblings. Honestly, during my teenage years, I probably got into more trouble tan all of tem put togeter. Of te four of us, I was te one wo kept my parents up late at nigt worrying about my fierce rebellious streak, wondering ow in te world it ad gotten tere and wat to do about it. I brougt ome notes from teacers explaining wy I d been sent to te principal s office... again. My parents would take me to te one bedroom tat was down a different allway from te rest, were we d talk... among oter tings. If tere was a teme to my troublemaking, it was usually because of someting I d said or te way I d said it. My mout, as my moter called te culprit. And tat mout appeared all set to cause me a lifetime of trouble if I didn t do someting to soften it and restrain it and put it to good use. So my parents, um... tey elped me wit tat problem. Every time I spoke out of turn or spoke too muc or too rudely or

112 102 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS too grown-up for my age, tey faitfully disciplined me appropriately. But te discipline part was never te end of te situation. Tere would also be a conversation afterward, wen my parents would talk wit me about wy my mout was getting me into trouble and ow I could cange all of tat if I d just take it seriously. Or maybe if I d just take it in a different direction... My parents were te first to plant te idea in my ead tat my aptitude for talking could actually be a benefit to me, and even to oters. Tey encouraged me, for example, to read to our family some of te poetry and monologues I ad written, occasionally even allowing me to present tem at curc during service or at a special program. Rater tan stifling me, tey put a micropone in my and and encouraged me to edify oters. My moter s sister, wo directed te cildren s ministry at our curc for nearly tree decades, put me in front of a Sunday scool class of sixyear-olds and let me teac tem a Bible lesson wen I was only ten. Tat was my first time teacing te Bible, and it lit a fire in my soul tat as never gone out. Ten, as college drew closer, my dad directed me to tink about taking up communications as a major. (I didn t even know suc a degree existed.) He even set me up wit an internsip at a Cristian radio station in te city were I d be studying. And after graduation, e was te one wo advised me to consider speaking and teacing as a career and ministry. It turns out tat tis mout of mine didn t need to be stifled as muc as it just needed to be redirected by loving, caring parents wo could see beneat te surface of my youtful foolisness and imprudence. I m so glad tey did I m so appreciative tat tey valued encouragement and instruction every bit as muc as correction and discipline. It s made all te difference for me. Wen Paul talks to parents about our tird pillar of parenting, e clearly says tat we are to bring tem up... in te instruction of te Lord. Bringing our cildren up in te instruction of te Lord is meant to be a joint venture

113 Tree Pillars of Parenting 103 between you and God. Simply instructing your cildren witout including te truts and principles of God s Word may provide tem wit information, but it won t give tem wisdom to make rigt coices in teir lives. Bringing your cildren up in te instruction of te Lord requires a substantial time commitment. You can t teac your cildren if you are not tere, or if you are too preoccupied wen you are tere tat you never spend any time wit tem. Our nation is facing an epidemic of te devolution of te family, and it is largely due to te negligence of parents wo are simply not available to instruct teir cildren. Te last few verses of te book of Malaci record a similar scenario. Beold, I am going to send you Elija te propet before te coming of te great and terrible day of te Lord. He will restore te earts of te faters to teir cildren and te earts of te cildren to teir faters, so tat I will not come and smite te land wit a curse (Malaci 4:5 6). Te land would be saved wen te faters earts were once again turned toward ome, indicating tat wen tey are not turned toward ome, te land suffers. You know a nation is cursed wen you can t even find te faters. You know a ome is cursed wen te same olds true. I understand tat scedules are busy, workloads are full, curc programs are important, cildren are involved in sports te list goes on and on. But we cannot ignore te supreme importance of instructing our cildren in te Lord until it s too late and tey are on teir own. Don t fall into te enemy s trap, tinking tere will be time enoug tomorrow, wen you are not so tired, or you ave finised tat important project, or te olidays are over. Te Bible tells us to ask God to teac us to number our days, tat we may present to Him a eart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12). As parents, we ave to seize te day, make it count, live it to te fullest, not allowing any opportunity to pass to invest in te lives of our cildren. Trust me, I know tey grow up a lot faster tan you could ever imagine. One minute you re wrestling wit tem on te floor, te next minute you re giving tem away at a wedding. And wen time is really tigt, te good news is tat you can always teac your cildren wile you go about your everyday life. My fater was a master at tis. He could turn any situation into an opportunity to sare a spiritual

114 104 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS principle. Because e made imself available to us, weter it was going wit im on an errand or being accessible at ome, we were learning all te time. I ave to admit, toug, tat wasn t my strengt as a fater. Looking back, I wis now tat I would ave taken advantage of more teacable moments. I placed a lot of empasis on family devotions around te table, but not as muc on discipling my cildren in te everyday activities of life. Yet in indsigt, tose moments are as important, if not more so, tan te more structured times of teacing. Maybe I inerited tis mindset of formalizing te instruction because my kids were young wile I was in college, seminary, and ten getting my doctorate I don t know. Or maybe te pressure of my scedule caused me to feel more comfortable wit a formal structure tan a relational one. For watever reason, I didn t take advantage of unstructured, casual times as muc as I could ave. But since I can t cange te past, I try to look for teacable moments wit my kids even now tat tey are adults, and I do te same wit my grandkids. We all ave te same twenty-four ours in te day. Seizing te day, ten, doesn t merely ave to do wit te amount of time as muc as wit prioritizing tat time. It means keeping first tings first. Te fact is tat we always make time for te tings tat are most important to us, weter we realize it or not. Te activity tat takes you away from your cildren may be a good ting in and of itself, but tat is not te question. Your cildren are your primary responsibility, and tey deserve your time. Samuel was a propet in te Old Testament busy performing te work of God. But e lost is cildren because e spent so muc time on te road (see 1 Samuel 7:16; 8:1 5). Eli, te ig priest, ended up forfeiting is ministry and is very life because e ignored is responsibility to discipline and instruct is sons (see 1 Samuel 2:12 17, 22 25; 3:10 18). Wat about your priorities and your scedule? Do you find yourself saying tomorrow a lot? Too often, wen tose tomorrows come, te kids don t feel like anging around wit you anymore. Parents, forget about tomorrow. Seize today. Instructing your cildren in te Lord means spending time wit tem so tey can see ow you live out te gospel. It means letting tem see you praying and studying te Bible. It means involving tem in any ministry you are

115 Tree Pillars of Parenting 105 engaged in. As I mentioned earlier, my dad would often take me along wen e went downtown to preac on a street corner or visit te prisons. My kids can tell you tat tey came wit me to different speaking engagements, often manning te book table in te back wen tey were still small. Tings may ave felt caotic or busy at te time, but tose times made for some good memories. Now tat tey are grown, all four of our kids are fulfilling teir calling by doing God s work. Now I see tem involving teir own kids in similar ways. By being wit your cildren on a regular basis during normal, everyday life activities, you are able to capitalize on te teacable moments tat present opportunities for you to mentor your cild in te fait. Someting as simple as Instructing your cildren in te Lord means spending time wit tem so tey can see ow you live out te gospel. looking at te nigt sky togeter can easily lead to a discussion about te creation and ow God knows every star and every air on our eads. Playing games togeter can open up topics on te importance of integrity, communication, and focus. Watcing a television sow or movie togeter provides a natural conversation starter for an analysis of te caracter s motives, coices, and actions. At times tese teacable moments migt be simple, wile at oter times tey may be more grapic. I remember one time sitting on my parents front porc wit my kids wen several policemen cased a drug dealer onto my parents lawn, tackled im, and andcuffed im rigt tere, just a few feet in front of us. It didn t take muc for me to capitalize on tat moment and let my kids know tat breaking te law is a serious matter. Discover te lesson I ve learned troug te years: You don t ave to sit your cildren down and ave tem sit up straigt for you to teac tem. Tey can learn wit you wile you are cooking, driving, studying, or oterwise going about your day. Te goal isn t just saping te way tey tink and believe; it s saping te way tey live. Instructing tem in te Lord isn t being as concerned

116 106 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS about ow muc tey know, but wit ow muc tey can apply. Wen people try to learn a foreign language in a classroom, it often takes years upon years of study and practice before tey reac a competent level. Yet wen people learn a foreign language by immersing temselves in tat culture and language, tey can pick it up witin alf a year, if not sooner. Instructing your cildren in te Lord ougt to be done by te immersion metod; it ougt to be a lifestyle. It s also important to intentionally create an atmospere were your cildren feel free to ask you questions. Tis provides te greatest opportunity for learning because tey will ask you about tings tat concern tem te most. Raising kingdom kids is not a task for te weary or lazy. It is a full-time responsibility. But it also brings wit it an eternity of rewards. It is an investment wit great returns. As our world seeks to treaten and mislead our cildren in so many ways, it migt be tempting for us to surround tem wit a cocoon and never let tem out of our sigt. But at tose times Raising kingdom kids is not a task for te weary or lazy. wen you feel overwelmed at te size of your task, ere s a verse I took comfort in and still do wit regard to raising my cildren: Trust in te Lord wit all your eart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge im and e will direct your pat (Proverbs 3:5 6). Ultimately we must trust God wit tis endeavor of raising kingdom kids. As we seek Him and acknowledge Him in all of our ways, He will guide us every step of te way. In training our cildren, our job is to give tem wat tey need to make wise coices bot wile tey are under our roof and once tey leave our ome. If we ve equipped tem well, done all we can wile trusting God wit te rest, we ave done our job.

117 8 HONOR AND RESPECT I ll never forget one of te biggest disappointments of my cildood. I brougt it on myself, and tat only added to te pain. My parents were adamant tat my broters and sister and I be model students. Any disciplinary problems in our classes were to be caused by oter people s kids. Tat was important to my parents for a number of reasons. Te first was tat a teacer was someone to be igly respected and obeyed. Anoter was tat te Evans family onor was at stake; wat one cild did reflected on us all. Yet anoter was tat my parents were concerned about te kind of adults we would become. And lastly, but just as important, was tat, as followers of Jesus Crist, we were to onor tose God ad placed in autority over us. My mom and dad also made it clear tat if we misbeaved in scool, tere would be consequences at ome. My dad especially cut no slack wen it came to breaking te rules at scool or anywere else, for tat matter. As muc as I loved and respected im and knew tat e loved me, I also knew e would never fail to administer discipline wen I ad it coming. Tere were certain tings tat I did not do simply because I did not want to ave to give an account to my fater afterwards. Well, as you ve probably guessed by now, tere came a day wen I forgot all of tose tings and acted up in scool. I misbeaved so badly te teacer called my fater to let im know wat I ad done. Te penalty for my beavior was stern discipline from my dad... in te basement. In addition, I also lost some of my privileges.

118 108 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS It just so appened tat on tat particular day, my scool baseball team was playing an important game, and I was te starting catcer. But after finising up in te basement, my dad said tose dreaded words, No game for you today. You ave to understand tat wen I was a cild I loved sports more tan anyting. Plus I was aving a great season tat year on te team. To ear tat I couldn t play devastated me. As if tat weren t enoug, toug, my dad made me go and apologize to te coac for not playing and tell im wy I couldn t play, wic embarrassed me all te more. Tat episode from my cildood is only alf te story, toug. Wile te incident caused me a lot of pain, it also accomplised my fater s greater purpose, wic was far more important in te long run. It taugt me te importance of respect for my parents rules, but it also impressed upon me te importance of sowing my teacers respect and respecting autority in general. I learned tere is a price tag to disrespect, and it was a price tag I didn t want to pay. My fater also ruined many a Saturday nigt during my yout by saying as I went out te front door, Wen you are out tere tonigt, remember tat your last name is Evans. Obviously, e didn t Tere is a price tag to disrespect. need to remind me of my name. But e wanted to remind me tat my name represented someting bigger tan just me. It stood for onesty, integrity, morality, and dignity in te community. In sort, it represented a commitment to Cristian living, and my dad didn t want me to do anyting to jeopardize tat testimony. Tat reminder always stayed in my mind as I made youtful coices. I sougt to respect my dad by onoring is name, wic e ad given to me, and I felt it inside wen I didn t live up to tat name. Not every cild in my community was taugt tose lessons, and I see te results every year wen I go back to visit Baltimore. Many of my boyood friends died early from taking illegal drugs or participating in oter ill-fated activities, and many oters are still living purposeless lives wit little or no direction. But te respect and onor my parents instilled in me elped me to progress beyond te limitations of te neigborood.

119 HONOR AND RESPECT 109 Wat Is Honor? Te Greek word for onor means to value igly, to old in igest regard. 1 Tis, by te way, olds true at any age. Tere may be some areas of controversy and disagreement wen it comes to obeying parents, but cildren never reac an age wen tey don t owe teir parents onor. Honor is an important trait to ave in a ealty ome because it involves unconditional love, affirming te value and uniqueness of eac person in te family, celebrating and acknowledging te family s strengts, respecting te privacy of eac family member, and serving one anoter. Te reason we ave so muc disonor in te streets and in our scools is tat cildren ave never learned onor in te ome. If kids don t learn to onor Dad and Mom, ow will tey learn to onor police officers, judges, or anyone else s person or property? It used to be tat wen adults were walking down te street and met a group of kids coming te oter way, te kids moved over. Now we see kids coming, and we get out of te way. Tey are not afraid of us; we are afraid of tem. Wy? Because we don t know wat tese kids migt do if we make tem mad. Because parents don t instill onor in te ome and allow teir cildren to get away wit disonoring tem, we all pay te price in our society. It is no secret tat Satan wants to destroy te ome; if e can do tat, e can destroy te culture. All uman relationsips are based initially on wat a cild If kids don t learn to onor Dad and Mom, ow will tey learn to onor police officers, judges, or anyone else s person or property? learns at ome. If a cild learns tat it is okay for a man to pus a woman or disrespect er verbally, e may grow up to beat is wife or abuse er verbally. If a son learns tat it is okay to be lazy, sarcastic, and unemployed, e may grow up to be an unproductive man. Wen parents model a lack of responsibility, teir cildren are on track to grow up to be irresponsible and unaccountable

120 110 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS adults. If te parents are absent in te ome or tey are pysically present but emotionally absent teir cildren will rely on wat tey learn from television, music, movies, video games, and teir friends to form teir caracter and worldview. Because Satan wants to destroy te ome, e will use watever e can to accomplis is goal. You need to understand, parents: Satan ates your family. He knows te family determines te future. If e destroys your family today, e can mess up many people s tomorrows. Satan is after te future, and e s all about destruction. He is not just after you or your marriage e s after your kids. He wants tem damaged because e knows tat if e can damage tem, e can damage teir future families. Let s say you ave tree cildren, and Satan manages to infiltrate and ruin all tree of tem. He s now potentially ruined four families yours and teirs wen tey are older. Eventually, te society as a wole is in jeopardy as families continue to crumble. Tat s wy God made it unequivocally clear from te beginning of recorded istory tat onor and respect God understands it s not simply about aving a good day or a peaceful ome te wole picture is about advancing His kingdom on eart versus Satan advancing caos. are critical elements in every ome. How important is it to God tat cildren onor teir parents? We find te answer in Exodus 21. Verse 15 says, He wo strikes is fater or is moter sall surely be put to deat. According to verse 17, He wo curses is fater or is moter sall surely be put to deat. Lifting your and against your parents or cursing tem, bot terrible forms of disonor, meant deat in ancient Israel. Tat s ow serious God is about cildren onoring teir parents because God understands te wole picture. He understands it s not simply about aving a good day or a peaceful ome it s about advancing His kingdom on eart versus Satan advancing is caos.

121 HONOR AND RESPECT 111 Seeing Clearly by Jonatan Evans Cildren, obey your parents in te Lord, for tis is rigt. Honor your fater and moter (tis is te first commandment wit a promise), tat it may go well wit you and tat you may live long in te land (Epesians 6:1 3, esv). I ave already ad my kids memorize tis passage of Scripture, not simply because it s convenient to do so as a parent, but rater because troug my own life experiences, I ve learned ow true tis passage really is. Having a promising future and living life all of your days more abundantly are welded to onor and respect. Keeping tat fact in mind as elped me to see tings more clearly. As a kid I definitely ad blurry vision about te future. Te problem was, as is wit all kids, tat, to me, my blurry vision was 20/20. Terefore, tere were many circumstances I faced growing up wen I didn t see tings te way my parents saw tem. At te time I tougt my vision in regards to decision making about te future was better tan teirs. However, as I grew up, life experiences taugt me differently. I learned te true meaning of te famous prase, Hindsigt is 20/20. Tere are so many situations in my life tat I would andle differently now. I admit it I would see tings te way my parents saw tem. I came to realize tat because of my parents experiences wic preceded mine, tey already ad indsigt; tey already saw wit 20/20 vision. I learned te trut of Epesians 6:1 3, wic says tat onoring and respecting one s parents creates te foresigt for a promising future. Simply put, a parent s job is passing on teir clear vision to teir cildren. Terefore, te cildren s job is onoring and respecting teir parents biblical foresigt instead of teir own blurry eyes. Teacing Respect and Honor In Scripture, onor and respect are first spoken of wit regard to parents. Exodus 20:12 says, Honor your fater and your moter, tat your days may be long in te land tat te Lord your God is giving you (esv).

122 112 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS God as an order establised in all tat He does, and He works troug tat order. In te ome, te moter and te fater ave te responsibility of raising te cildren and te cildren ave te responsibility of onoring and respecting teir parents. Wen you disregard God s order, you invite damage to come into your life. Wen you go around His way or disonor His way you enter into His consequences. Wen you disregard God s order, you invite damage to come into your life. For bot cildren and adults, ow we respond to God s establised flow influences ow God will respond to us. Wen Adam and Eve responded to te devil in te garden and violated God s order, it affected ow God responded to tem. Some of us as adults ave not responded to te way God as arranged tings to flow; we failed to make te connection, and now we wonder wy we ave troublesome issues in our lives. We see our cildren disrespecting us, and tis is a reflection of our own disrespect for our parents. Let s look at a biblical case study of ow God feels about disonor and ow He deals wit it. It s an unusual story, found in 2 Kings 2: Te propet Elisa was being disonored and cursed by a group of young men: Ten [Elisa] went up from tere to Betel; and as e was going up by te way, young lads came out from te city and mocked im and said to im, Go up, you baldead; go up, you baldead! Wen e looked beind im and saw tem, e cursed tem in te name of te Lord. Ten two female bears came out of te woods and tore up forty-two lads of teir number. Te word used ere indicates tat tese were not little kids being irresponsible. Tese were older boys wo were, in effect, cursing God s propet. And teir disrespect brougt deat. Te reason so many cildren are dying in te streets is because tey ave never learned onor, and it s costing tem teir lives. Tey look only to eac oter as examples because tere is a lack of parents wo old teir kids accountable to tis kingdom principle.

123 HONOR AND RESPECT 113 Let s say you ave two sons, one fifteen years old and te oter ten. You tell your fifteen-year-old son tat e can go to te movies but e must be ome by 11:00 p.m., but instead e comes ome at 4:00 a.m. You get upset wit im and tell im not to do it again, but e continues to break is curfew anyway, and e continues to get away wit it witout consequences. By failing to address te rebellion in your older son, you are potentially encouraging rebellion in your ten-year-old son. Rebellion tat is ignored only leads to more rebellion and not just in one cild. As te younger broter watces is sibling rebel witout accountability, e will learn to do te same. Tat s wy instilling onor and respect as virtues witin te ome is so important. If you fail to do tis, a wave of disrespect grows as you move on down troug te ages of your cildren. For example, wen Crystal was in ig scool, se didn t want to go on our family vacation because se didn t want to miss out on some social activities going on tat mont. Tis was also a time in er life wen se was openly struggling wit a contentious attitude. I knew tat ow we andled Crystal s request (demand migt be a better word) would subsequently affect eac of our oter tree kids wen tey would get older, so we decided to make Crystal go on te family vacation. Now, I m not saying se went wit te rigt attitude. But sometimes parents ave to realize tat, even if tey can t quite get te eart to sow onor or respect, te actions still must. God takes onor very seriously. Look at anoter passage tat spells it out in detail. Wat did Israelite parents do wen tey ad a rebellious cild wo refused to obey tem? Te Mosaic law was very specific: If any man as a stubborn and rebellious son wo will not obey is fater or is moter, and wen tey castise im, e will not even listen to tem, ten is fater and moter sall seize im, and bring im out to te elders of is city at te gateway of is ometown. Tey sall say to te elders of is city, Tis son of ours is stubborn and rebellious, e will not obey us, e is a glutton and a drunkard. Ten all te men of is city sall stone im to deat; so you sall remove te evil from your midst, and all Israel will ear of it and fear. (Deuteronomy 21:18 21)

124 114 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Tis passage is not talking about misbeavior. All cildren are going to misbeave. Tis is talking about serious, deliberate, long-term rebellion. Cildren, especially teenagers, need to know tat tey cannot live any way tey want and expect to cruise rigt along wit no consequences. Tese days it is customary to blame your problems and te way you beave in general on your parents. It reminds me of two broters wo went troug a counseling session togeter. Tey ad been brougt up in a ome were te fater was an alcoolic. One of te broters ad also become an alcoolic, but te oter didn t drink at all. Wen asked to explain teir beavior, tey said in unison, Well, wat else could you expect wit a fater like mine? Bot men told te trut: One followed teir fater s example, even toug e probably didn t want to, and te oter te stronger of te two managed to stick to is resolve not to end up like teir dad. Te story also illustrates te trut tat parents sometimes get blamed for far too muc and receive praise for far too little. Te fact is, owever, tat parents need to teac teir cildren to respect and onor tem, and tey also ave to model tat respect. Wen my dad disciplined me for acting up in scool, as muc as I disliked it, I grew in my respect for im. He ad given me plenty of warning tat misbeaving in class would not be tolerated. He ad always followed troug on is warnings in te past. And by being consistent tat day by spanking and grounding me, e sowed me once again tat e was a man of is word, tat is rules counted, and tat e was not a person to be trifled wit. In sort, e was a man to be respected. Parents, remember tat onor flows out of a eart of respect; establising tat respect mindset in your cildren is critical. It doesn t always come troug pysically disciplining tem. Tis is important, because all cildren are different. Out of our four kids, one got spanked far more tan te oters, and one ardly got spanked at all. I ad to discover te best way to communicate to eac cild. For example, one day Jonatan came ome from being out wit is friends, and e ad gotten is ear pierced. Now, Jonatan knew tat I did not want im to get an earring, but e did it anyway. He wasn t typically a cild wo disonored Lois or me, so tis decision startled me. Not only did it surprise

125 HONOR AND RESPECT 115 me, it also deeply disappointed me so muc so tat wen I walked in te ouse and saw im sitting tere wit an earring in is ear, I ad noting to say. I was speecless due to te dept of disrespect I felt e sowed. I just looked at im, turned around, and walked out of te room. Jonatan could sense my disappointment, despite my not saying or doing anyting. He took out te earring and never wore it again. Parents, disciplining your cild goes far deeper tan an action in one moment. It s an ongoing process tat instills in tem a respect for you so tat wen tey deviate from te rigt pat, teir earts will be tender and tey ll want to get back on it. Honor flows out of a eart of respect; establising tat respect mindset in your cildren is critical. As te Bible says, We ad eartly faters to discipline us, and we respected tem [for it] (Hebrews 12:9). Proper discipline naturally creates respect, as God intended. My fater s first name is Artur, but I would never call im tat. To me, e ll always be Dad. And wen I used to take my kids to visit im during te summer, I always came under is autority. My age makes no difference. Tat s te kind of respect tat I ave for im. Parents, remember tat proper discipline takes time and effort on your part. We need to make sure we ave all te facts straigt before we act. We ave to make time and put fort te effort to discipline wen tere are a million oter tings we would rater do, like put our feet up and relax at te end of a long, ard day. It s also vital tat we combine our discipline wit love. I would often follow up grounding, spanking, or lecturing one of my cildren wit a ug, telling tat cild tat I loved im or er. I wanted im or er to bot ear and see te eart from wic te correction came. Teacing respect and onor requires someting else, too: a long-term perspective. At te moment wen discipline is needed, it s not pleasant for anyone. But you must see beyond te moment. No discipline seems pleasant at te time, but painful, we read in Hebrews 12:11. Later on, owever, it produces a arvest of rigteousness and peace for tose wo ave been trained by it (niv).

126 116 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS God as an eternal perspective in disciplining us, Hebrews 12 reminds us, wit te goal of making us more and more like Crist. In te same way, be careful not to simply tink of your sons and daugters as te boys and girls tat tey are now, but rater as te men and At te moment wen discipline is needed, it s not pleasant for anyone. But you must see beyond te moment. women tey will one day become. Consider te quality of relationsips tey will one day ave because of te onor and respect you instilled in tem at a young age. Tey need to know ow to onor and respect temselves, teir parents, and tose around tem in all tat tey do in teir words, actions, and even in teir tougts. Parents, wen we re inconsistent wit our discipline, wen we favor one cild over anoter, or wen our cildren observe us treating oters wit disonor and disrespect, we make it difficult for our cildren to respect us. Altoug te command for cildren to onor teir parents is all-inclusive of cildren, I believe tat one way to elp your cildren to onor you is by onoring tem. If you want your cildren to give you onor and respect, onor and respect tem, too, by setting a good example and being consistent in your words and actions. Honor Comes wit a Prize Te book of Epesians tells us tat wen cildren onor teir parents, tey will receive a blessing: Honor your fater and moter (wic is te first commandment wit a promise), so tat it may be well wit you, and tat you may live long on te eart (Epesians 6:2 3). Tis verse says tat cildren wo onor teir parents will be blessed wit a greater quality and quantity of life. Tey will avoid te consequences of rebellion and disobedience tat can bring about te loss of God s blessing and can even lead to a premature deat. Tese cildren will also experience God s blessing. Tis principle of

127 HONOR AND RESPECT 117 onoring parents was given in te Old Testament, and it carries rigt troug te New Testament. It still applies today, and it remains a central feature for anyone wo is serious about experiencing God s blessings. Does Epesians 6:3 promise tat every cild wo onors is or er parents will live to be ninety and experience only good tings? No, te biblical idea of long life is tat you will get all te life God ordained you to ave. He won t ave to cut you off before your time because you refuse to stop disonoring your parents. You won t die at forty if you re supposed to live to be seventy. You ll live all your ordained days. How to Sow Honor How do cildren onor teir parents? Let me suggest several ways. First, cildren need to onor teir parents emotionally. Tis includes spending time wit tem and sowing tem some concern and love. Some moters and faters are wasting away in retirement omes and care centers for lack of attention and onor from teir grown cildren. Someone may say, But you don t know my moter. Se was a terrible moter. Or, My fater was bad news. But tis person is still your parent. He or se must ave done someting rigt, because you re still ere. Tis doesn t imply tat you ave to onor wat your parents did wrong. But you can still recognize and onor your parents for teir position. You can also onor your parents verbally. Wen I visit my parents ome in Baltimore, I don t say to my fater, Hey, Art. How s it going? It s Yes, sir and No, sir. Paul told Timoty, Do not sarply rebuke an older man, but rater appeal to im as a fater (1 Timoty 5:1). In oter words, even if e s wrong, you must still speak to im wit respect. A moter and fater are not, Hey, you to teir cildren. Parents are to be spoken to and spoken about wit onor. God also calls cildren to onor teir parents financially. In 1 Timoty 5:8 Paul wrote, If anyone does not provide for is own, and especially for tose of is ouseold, e as denied te fait, and is worse tan an unbeliever. In verse 16 we read: If any woman wo is a believer as dependent widows, se must assist tem and te curc must not be burdened.

128 118 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS As cildren, we ave a financial responsibility for our parents wen tey can no longer take care of temselves. Tis means more tan buying tem a Moter s or Fater s Day card. It means seeing to teir well-being wen tey need our assistance. Maybe tey can t live wit us because of te kind of medical care tey need, but onor still demands tat we look after teir welfare. Notice tat in 1 Timoty 5:4, Paul described wat we do for our parents in tis case, our moters as making a return for wat tey ave done for us. Your moter carried you for nine monts. Se went troug painful labor to bring you into te world. Se fed you, cloted you, and oused you. In te case of many poor families in our generation, your moter may ave boarded a bus every day to go to te oter side of town and scrub oter people s floors so you could eat, ave clotes, and go to scool. Your dad may ave worked like my dad did, until e was so tired e could ardly drive ome. Tat kind of sacrifice deserves to be onored. Wen an elder in our curc was a cild, e was abandoned by is fater. Not long ago, te fater fell ill, and te elder went to te ospital regularly to visit im, even toug none of te elder s siblings would ave anyting to do wit teir fater. Tis elder sowed is fater onor, not because e was a great dad, but because is position as fater deserved respect. And wo knows? Tis man s onor may win is fater to Crist. Honor is also sown troug obedience. You don t ave to ave teenagers to recognize tat we are living in a day of canging values and role reversals. Te culture as turned up te eat on our families. As tis ting boils, wat as come to te top is a rebellious spirit tat tells cildren to ignore, disregard, and disobey teir parents and all autority, for tat matter. We could say tat wat we are seeing today is te adultification of our nation s cildren. Paul taugt te importance of sowing onor troug obedience beginning wit verse 1 of Epesians 6: Cildren, obey your parents in te Lord, for tis is rigt. As parents, part of your role is creating an atmospere were obedience comes naturally and easily. Tis is done partly by setting standards and boundaries for wat you allow in your cildren s lives, and bringing te appropriate correction wen your cildren cross tem. For example, wen our cildren

129 HONOR AND RESPECT 119 were young, we limited teir television time to tirty minutes during weekdays. Essentially, tat meant tey could watc one sow, and typically tat sow was Te Cosby Sow. Tis not only kept out negative and ungodly media influences, but it also encouraged quality time togeter since we spent te bulk of our evenings eiter talking, playing games, or reading togeter. Because tat allowed for deeper relationsips to develop between us, wen we asked te cildren to obey certain rules or do teir cores, tey didn t feel as if tat was te only ting we were asking tem to do. Tey reciprocated more easily out of a eart of trust and mutual esteem. As a Cristian parent, your job is to filter te culture in suc a way tat its evil influences don t dominate your kids lives. You must strive to filter out te sinful tendencies witin tem in suc a way tat you bend teir will witout breaking teir spirit. Wy is tis necessary? Because no matter ow cute your cildren are, tey are sinfully cute. Foolisness and rebellion are built into te eart of a cild (see Proverbs 22:15). Tat s wy cildren must learn obedience. Wen Paul said tat cildren are to obey teir parents in te Lord, e is reminding us tat obedience to As a Cristian parent, your job is to filter te culture in suc a way tat its evil influences don t dominate your kids lives. parents is akin to obedience to God, because tat is ow God as set up te ierarcy of te ome. Said anoter way, wen a cild rebels against is or er parents, e or se rebels against God. Several times trougout te Bible, God empasizes tis need for obedience. Here are just a few: Hear, my son, your fater s instruction, and do not forsake your moter s teacing. (Proverbs 1:8) My son, do not forget my teacing, but let your eart keep my commandments. (Proverbs 3:1)

130 120 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Hear, O sons, te instruction of a fater, and give attention tat you may gain understanding, for I give you sound teacing; do not abandon my instruction. Wen I was a son to my fater, tender and te only son in te sigt of my moter, ten e taugt me and said to me, Let your eart old fast my words; keep my commandments and live. (Proverbs 4:1 4) My son, keep my words, and treasure my commandments witin you. Keep my commandments and live, and my teacing as te apple of your eye. Bind tem on your fingers; Write tem on te tablet of your eart. (Proverbs 7:1 3) Te book of Proverbs also says tat a disobedient cild brings grief to is parents (10:1; 17:21; 19:13) and same to te entire ome (19:26). Obedience couced in a spirit of bot onor and respect is an essential component of a kingdom atmospere and a ealty ome. Make it easy for your kids to onor and obey you. Live onorably. Treat tem wit respect, and let tem see you onoring your spouse and sowing respect for teir grandparents. Don t just give tem rules; tey desire a relationsip wit you. Rules witout relationsip leads to disonor and rebellion. Hug your cildren, pray for and wit tem, encourage tem and tank tem for te tings tey do to contribute to te well-being of your ome. Be a part of teir world. Let tem know you love tem. Wen all of tat is in place, tey will more easily listen to your rules because tey will believe tat tose rules are for teir best interest. Tey will learn to trust you, and trust is te bedrock of all true onor and respect.

131 9 LOL, SMHS, AND CC (CULTIVATING COMMUNICATION) People today benefit from te most advanced information systems ever devised. Tose wo died just fifty years ago would be astounded if tey came back to life and saw te incredible ways we can communicate today. Troug television and satellites, we can watc wat s appening on te oter side of te world as it occurs. Social media ave canged everyting we used to know and understand about communication. Over 1.2 billion people use Facebook. Over 250 billion potos ave been uploaded to Facebook alone, not to mention Instagram. And since tey say a picture is wort a tousand words, tat s an awful lot of communication rigt tere. Families can sit in te same room tese days wit everyone on eiter a mobile device or a tablet and go ours witout communicating wit eac oter. Tweets are substituted for talk. Posts ave taken te place of conversations. Words ave been reduced to mere letters acronyms suc as LOL (laug out loud) and SMHS (sake my ead silly), for example. Complete sentences ave lost teir once-valued standing in our culture. Slowly but surely we are losing our finesse in coerent speec patterns, grammar, and te art of listening. After all, social media don t necessarily require two-way interaction. We call tis communication, but it would be better defined as mere transmission. Communication takes place not only wen a message is sent but also

132 122 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS wen it is received, understood, and acted upon. Given tat definition, tere is very little real communication going on today. Yet communication is a vital and critical component of a ealty family. In addition to te lack of true communication appening in most omes, an awful lot of negative messaging is getting troug to kids, and tis is driving a young generation into an unprecedented dept of opelessness and irreverence toward life. Te effectiveness of tat negative communication, coupled wit te scarcity of quality communication witin families, is a large part of our problem in raising kingdom kids. A kingdom ome sould ave open and frequent saring of feelings or mutual concerns, listening, understanding, empaty, affirmation, and accessibility to discussion and information. In tis capter, let s explore ow we can create an atmospere conducive to ealty communication patterns and skills by implementing a few key strategies and principles. Te Kingdom Principle of Healty Communication In my years as a pastor, I ve read a number of books and eard countless lectures on family communication. Wit few exceptions, tey ve all been excellent. But based on my own experience, bot in my own family and in counseling, I believe te primary principle as to be Tere is no quality time witout quantity time. tis: Tere is no quality time witout quantity time. I cringe every time I ear parents say tat because teir scedules are really full, tey make a great effort to spend quality time wit teir cildren. Tink wat tis idea would look like if transferred to anoter area of life. Wat if star quarterback Peyton Manning decided tat, since e was already pretty good, e needed to practice only twenty-five minutes a day? Wat do you tink would appen to is team, or to te atmospere and attitudes of tose around im? Of course tis isn t te case, as Manning as a reputation for being one of te most dedicated players in te NFL, often

133 LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) 123 putting in more ours tan tose around im, weter it s practicing or studying game film or plays. 1 Anoter Super Bowl-winning quarterback, Russell Wilson, wo exploded on te NFL scene wit some of te best fundamental football ever played, is usually te first to sow up in te morning sometimes by 5:30 a.m. and te last to leave, often logging fourteen-our days. Wilson s motto is Te separation is in te preparation. 2 Quantity time as definitely translated into quality play in bot Wilson and Manning s case. Unfortunately, wile we would not tolerate an attitude of quality time being better tan quantity time in any oter profession or endeavor certainly not in professional football we ave no trouble sortcanging our parenting and calling it quality time. Parents, tat is simply not acceptable. In order to foster an atmospere of ealty communication in your ome, tere first ave to be plenty of opportunities for communication. Family communication takes work and skill, and you can t develop tose skills if you re not present. In our family, wen te kids were still at ome and even now as tey live nearby and often visit, bringing teir kids wit tem we found tat one of te best places for family communication was around te kitcen table. It s a time wen we are all togeter, we are all relaxed, and we are enjoying a sared meal. It s a great time to catc up on te events of te day and discover wat is pressing on te earts of all involved. But te kitcen table isn t just for mealtime. Wat about your ome? Are your kids around te table? Do tey look forward to coming ome because teir parents will be at dinner tonigt? Or are you rarely tere? Do tey know tey ll ave your attention wen tey are talking to you, or are you busy texting or on te pone wit someone from work? Communication isn t always effortless and easy, of course. One of your cildren migt be easier to talk to tan anoter, or tere could be an age level tat lends itself to deeper communication more so tan oters. But regardless of te investment it takes to create an atmospere for ealty communication, it is wort it. Part of te effort required to communicate is due to te fact tat tere are

134 124 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS different personalities witin a family. Because people are unique, tey will respond to te same message in different ways. If I correct a strong-willed and confident cild in a stern voice, for example, tat cild could possibly take it well, eiter obeying because of te sternness or feeling free to ignore me. A sensitive cild, on te oter and, migt be crused emotionally by te same tone of voice. Te sternness could be interpreted as an overwelming personal attack. Clearly, parents need to know teir cildren s personalities so tey understand ow to communicate effectively wit eac one witout causing urt. And ow do we learn to read our cildren s personalities? How do we discover te best ways to communicate wit tem? It takes time quantity time; tere s just no oter way. And tere is Tere is no oter way for cildren to truly feel valued and appreciated tan by teir parents spending time wit tem. no oter way for cildren to truly feel valued and appreciated tan by teir parents spending time wit tem. You can tell someone s priorities by ow tey spend teir time. Cildren are smart enoug to discern tat as well. Consistent investment in te lives of tose you care about is necessary to acieve effective family communication. Put simply: Making an investment in your family may cut back some of te profits at work. It may mean letting someone else in te office land te big client or get te promotion. It could mean less time in front of te television watcing your favorite sows, or fewer sopping excursions to te mall. But in sacrificing tese tings, you will be fulfilling your role as a kingdom parent raising kingdom kids. Kingdom Keys for Communication We ve talked about wy you need communication in te family and wat it will take. Now let s talk about te principles of effective communication I call tem te kingdom keys for communication. Tese include ow you send messages and ow you receive tem.

135 LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) 125 In all communication, tere are tree parts. Te encoder is te person wo wants to say someting. Te message is wat s actually said. It s supposed to convey te encoder s intended information and emotion, but it as a life of its own and is easily misinterpreted. Te decoder receives and decipers te message, making sense of it. If te decoder doesn t understand wat was received, no matter ow clear te encoder tougt te message was, te encoder migt ave to repeat imself. If te message is still not understood, te encoder migt become frustrated at te decoder. If you are married, you are probably well aware tat most marital problems stem from poor communication. Wen a couple tells me in counseling about ow tey figt all te time, tey re actually saying tat tey don t communicate well. Wen a wife says, He doesn t understand me, se s really saying tat wo se is and wat se says are not getting troug to er usband. Good communication is critical to lasting and fruitful relationsips. Giving tese powerful principles to your cildren troug modeling and teacing tem is an important step in raising kingdom kids. Kingdom Key #1 Be Honest Epesians 4 contains excellent counsel regarding communication. Te first principle found tere states: Terefore, laying aside falseood, speak trut eac one of you wit is neigbor, for we are members of one anoter (verse 25). Te first kingdom key is onesty. One reason families break apart is te lack of onesty and consequent lack of trust. People are afraid to tell eac oter wat tey really tink and feel. Tey are afraid to be vulnerable. Parents especially ave tis need to always appear rigt in front of teir cildren and won t always admit wen tey ve made a mistake. One of te greatest tings you can do as a parent is let your cildren know wen you ve made a mistake. Tis way tey can see ow you respond to it, and tus you model for tem ow tey are to respond wen tey make mistakes. Honesty is a critical component of all communication witout onesty tere is a lack of trust, and trust is fundamental in all relationsips.

136 126 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Turn Off te Television by Crystal Evans Hurst Tirty minutes a nigt. Tat s all te television we got on scool nigts. We watced every episode of Te Cosby Sow and probably rewatced tem all at least once. Tursday nigts at seven o clock was our main nigt to watc television. Wat did we do te rest of te time on weeknigts? We finised our omework, elped wit dinner, and completed our cores. And we talked. Dinnertime was talk time. My mom ad a ome-cooked meal ready every nigt and we lingered over it in conversation. We played. I can t tell you ow many memories I ave of being doubled over an empty plate lauging ard at some corny joke or playing wo stole te cookie from te cookie jar for te umpteent time. We engaged wit one anoter. Homegrown talent sows were te order of te evening. Long games of Monopoly took forever, and my dad was a barracuda. Uno was te game tat all ages could play and ave an equal cance of winning. From tot to teenager, eac person ad many opportunities trougout te evening to sare is or er life. I knew about wat appened in my broter s kindergarten class. He got to ear my reasons for wanting to run for sopomore class secretary. My parents gave us tirty minutes a nigt to engage wit a portal tat delivered te message of someone else s ome. Te rest of te week, we engaged wit te message of our own abode. My parents weren t afraid to be te not-cool parents wo tortured teir cildren wit limitations on television, secular radio, and ours of talking on te pone. My parents weren t afraid to ensure tat we connected. I am constantly figting te battle of making room in my ouse for connection. It is no easy task wit te Internet, laptops, cell pones, video

137 LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) 127 games, and yes... television. I don t pretend to ave it all figured out. Te elusive goal of balancing te joys of present-day media and te pains of kids tat are overly wired is not one I can say I ve met yet. But I was given a standard. A standard tat made space for te people saring four walls to look eac oter in te eye and know eac oter. A standard tat made time wit family a iger priority tan ours of pone calls to teenage friends. A standard tat gave us time to talk, play, and engage wit one anoter. A standard tat made sure we connected. Kingdom Key #2 Be Angry, Yet Do Not Sin Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let te sun go down on your anger (Epesians 4:26). Take a moment to understand te flow of tat statement. It puts to rest someting tat many of us eard as we were growing up in te curc tat it s sinful to get upset or angry. Many of us eard only te do not sin part. We missed Be angry, and yet.... Because of tat misinterpretation, many of us eld back, even wen our anger was justified. And wen people don t allow, acknowledge, or address teir anger, tey build up deep resentments tat come to te surface monts sometimes years later. Tey can explode over seemingly small tings a missed pone call ere, being late tere, a cild not completing is or er omework. Watever te case, it ends up drawing out a eart full of repressed anger and empties a uge storeouse of bitterness, leaving te recipient defensive and offended by an overreaction to someting tey tougt was small. Yet te Bible tells us tat even Jesus became angry. He took a wip and drove te money cangers out of te temple. He became very angry wit people turning His Fater s ouse into a place of profit. Anger, in and of itself, is not te sin. It s wat we do wit anger tat eiter leads to sin or to an improvement of te situation. In Epesians 4:26, Paul told us wat we must do wit our anger: Do not let te sun go down on your anger. At times in life, tere are justifiable reasons

138 128 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS for anger, as it was in Jesus case. But anger can become sin wen it s not dealt wit properly and according to Paul promptly. If you get angry at your spouse or your cildren and don t at least begin to resolve te conflict rigt away (implied by te reference to te sun going down), your anger can easily become sin. If you arbor unresolved If you arbor unresolved anger in your eart for anyone, you set yourself up for bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. anger in your eart for anyone, you set yourself up for bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. And you model for your cildren te opposite of wat God as called us to do. Sadly, te seeds for unresolved anger are often planted in te curc. Instead of coming to curc to be real wic is te only way te body of Crist can ever elp us we sometimes put up a façade, even if we re not doing well inside. We act as if noting s wrong in te very place were tose wrongs could be addressed and ealed. We ve trained ourselves tat curc is te place were we are meant to look our best, even wen God knows better. Wen Paul told us not to let te sun go down on our anger, e didn t intend to impose some burdensome rule on us. He wrote tose words so tat we could open te lines of communication and restore emotional ealt to our lives. Take tat verse literally wen it s witin your power to do so. Settle issues wit your cildren and wit your spouse before te end of eac day or, at a minimum, at least attempt to do so. If a member of your family is angry wit you, ask is or er wy and ten listen. If you re te one wo is angry, tell te person wy; don t make your spouse or your cildren guess. It migt not always be a pleasant conversation, and te resolution may not always be to your liking, but if you get to te root of te problem early on, you will prevent unnecessary seeds of bitterness and resentment from being stored up and exploding later at unexpected moments. If you reac an impasse, you can never lose by accepting te blame regardless of wo s rigt. Wit noting left to figt about, you can get on wit

139 LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) 129 rebuilding te relationsip. Tat s exactly wat Jesus did wen He took te blame for our sins on te cross even toug He Himself was sinless (see 2 Corintians 5:21) so we could ave a relationsip wit Him. Kingdom Key #3: Wen Communication Is In, Satan Is Out Do not give te devil an opportunity (Epesians 4:27). If I were to announce Satan s plan for your family, it would be simple: divide and conquer; destroy. His plan is to make sure your family is torn apart and God s destiny for eac of you destroyed. Satan is a scemer. He is conniving, always trying to bring someting against you. He is looking for an opportunity to slip into your family relationsips and ruin tem. And one way e can do tat is to cut off regular communication by making sure everyone is too busy running around, attending meetings, or distracted by oter people to ave time for eac oter. A good way to twart tis plan is to intentionally covenant togeter as a family tat you will communicate wit eac oter every single day, no matter ow busy te day as been. Never belittle te importance of frequency. Wen too muc time elapses between communication, cildren or loved ones can feel devalued, dismissed, or taken for granted. Wile tat may not be your intention, you are communicating tat loudly and clearly troug your actions. Remember our principle from an earlier capter? Love is as love does. Noting is more important in any relationsip tan consistent communication. Out of sigt doesn t ave to mean out of mind. Maybe your cildren are grown, or peraps you ave a travel scedule similar to mine. No matter wat, you must take it upon yourself to reac out to your family as muc as possible. By maintaining a ealty esteem for eac oter, you may actually prevent future pain and lengtier, more difficult conversations caused by conflict. By modeling te importance of sowing value to one anoter, wen your cildren are grown and establising teir own families, tey will ave a bencmark to aim for. You migt want to say, But Tony, I really do ave a busy scedule, and

140 130 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS in te evening I ave a number of tings I need to catc up on. My response is simple: Friend, if you and your family don t get togeter for consistent time on a consistent basis, you If you and your family don t get togeter for consistent time on a consistent basis, you aren t going to ave a family for very muc longer, or at least not a ealty one. aren t going to ave a family for very muc longer, or at least not a ealty one. A word of caution: Be careful not to spend tat time complaining and venting. As a pastor, I know tat if te only time you want to meet wit me is wen you ave a problem, we re not communicating wit one anoter. All we re doing is working troug te negative stuff. Te same ting applies in a family. Don t just talk about te problems and complaints. Minimize te complaining by keeping te communication flow open and ongoing. Deal wit urts and misunderstandings quickly and strive to enjoy more time complimenting and praising one anoter and making good memories. Kingdom Key #4: Let Your Speec Edify Let no unwolesome word proceed from your mout, but only suc a word as is good for edification according to te need of te moment, so tat it will give grace to tose wo ear (Epesians 4:29). Tis is a straigtforward communication key. Don t talk badly or spread unkind words about anyone. Discuss only tings tat will lift somebody up. Make sure tat good comes to tose wo ear you. As we examined in our capter on te tree pillars of parenting, encouragement is a necessary element of raising a cild well. Tis encouragement sould stem from an autentic eart full of love, seeing your cildren troug God s eyes as eirs to His trone wit royal blood in teir veins. I often encourage parents to try an experiment wit teir family. For an

141 LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) 131 entire week, don t say anyting to your cildren or spouse unless it s wolesome and contributes to teir personal and spiritual growt. For example, instead of asking, Wen is dinner ready? a spouse migt say, Can I elp you wit dinner? Tat way you become part of te solution and not anoter part of te problem. You may believe te task will be easy. But I tink you migt be surprised, as you become more conscious of your everyday speec, at ow little purely positive communication comes out easily. You ll make mistakes. I know tat. But after a wile, you ll begin to reap te benefits. Kingdom Key #5: Listen Muc as been written and preaced over te years about te need to listen, but I ave to mention it ere because it s so important. Most of us are still lousy listeners. Wen someone else is talking, even if it s directly to us, our minds are on someting entirely different like wat we want to say next or wat we need from te oter person. However, if you never listen to wat te oter person is saying, you will never get te message. Yes, you ave to work at listening. We all do. If our kids come to us wit a question wile we re busy on our tablet, we need to put it down long enoug to make eye contact, listen closely, and respond. If we are watcing television, we must look away from it so we can engage wit tem. Eye contact is crucial in listening. If someone tells you someting and you don t understand it completely, don t be too proud to ask for clarification. You can also repeat wat someone said and ask te person to confirm tat you ave eard im or er correctly. Tis is all part of good listening skills, and witout it real communication is impossible. It s a good practice to establis a listening time wit your kids were tey are free to respectfully communicate wit you about watever is on teir eart. Peraps tis is someting you can set up as a routine occurrence eac week; for example, every Wednesday your kids know tey will ave your undivided attention for anyting tey want to tell you weter it s a complaint or someting tey are worried about. Wile daily and consistent communication is essential,

142 132 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS it also elps to ave tis extra time set aside tat your kids can count on so tey will know tey ave access to you for anyting deeper tey may want to discuss. Tere is no sortcut to communicating love to your cildren, and modeling for tem te keys to kingdom communication. It takes commitment and effort. It takes being kind to our kids, recognizing tat tey often act up in order to seek our love and attention. It takes being patient wit tem wen all we want is some peace and quiet. It takes forgiveness, patience, and love. It takes talking. It takes listening. And it takes onoring our King by esteeming tose He as entrusted to our care in all tat we do.

143 10 TABLE TIME: GOD S WORD AND PRAYER Four decades ago Congress set in motion a plan to increase te survival rate of endangered species in our land. Millions of dollars and millions of ours ave gone toward te protection and growt of tose species nearing extinction. Teir efforts ave been igly successful, wit more tan 90 percent of te protected species now on te patway to recovery. 1 And wile tese successes sould not go unnoted, we face anoter endangered species in our country tat gets very little attention at all: te family. We ve already briefly examined te crisis of te family in our nation and ow tat impacts our present, future, and ultimate stability of our land. But let s take a look at an endangered subspecies witin te family wose loss may ave triggered te beginning of te end of te family at large. Tis endangered area resides at te table te family meal. A musrooming of two-salary omes, working single moms, sports or social commitments, and oter activities tat wreak avoc on scedules as escalated our dependency on purcased meals, grab-and-go foods, or eating out at restaurants. Not only as tis negatively impacted our collective national ealt, it as also reduced te opportunity for family connection, mentoring, discussion, fun, and prayer around te table. By reducing tis time at te table a location were istorically families ave gatered and grown we ve lessened our overall time togeter. Rarely do we redeem tat time in anoter

144 134 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS place: tecnology, entertainment, our scedules, pones, activities, travels, and work scatter te members of our ome in a variety of directions. We ve traded te table for our tablets. Returning to te lost art of te family table will strengten our omes and better equip our cildren to raise kingdom kids wen teir time comes. Making Mealtime Matter Wen our cildren were still living at ome, te table served as te centerpiece for family life. We gatered tere every evening, unless I was traveling, to not only eat, but to also experience life togeter. We read and discussed God s Word, prayed, we talked, we told jokes. I used te We ve traded te table for our tablets. table as te place were I would ceck in on weter te kids were keeping up teir responsibilities and cores, or getting teir omework done well and turned in on time. Discussions revolved around te lesson taugt in Sunday scool tat week, or read in tat day s devotional, activities wit peers, wat tey were learning in scool, and watever else was on teir earts or ours at te moment. Many times I would coose te devotional to be read and discussed aead of time but ten assign one of te cildren to lead te discussion. Tis gave my kids practice in teacing God s Word and facilitating spiritual dialogue. Oter times, I d ave te kids pray for eac oter not only as an expression of caring for eac oter but also to one te virtue of tinking of oters, not just temselves, wen tey prayed. Table time didn t consist simply of a lecture from te Bible on my part. Instead, te kids sared flannelgrap stories, performed skits, recited verses, or sang songs as we sat togeter after we were finised eating. Tere was never any rus to leave te table. It became our ub, and it remains so even to tis day wen te kids or grandkids stop by. Above all else, I wanted our table time to be an enjoyable and fun experience for everyone. I saw my cildren respond best in tat type of atmospere wen te more serious discussions would inevitably arise. I wanted to make

145 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 135 tem comfortable yet accountable, entertained yet interested. Sometimes I d say, Okay, everyone, let s go around te table and eac person tell teir very best joke, or do an impersonation. We also used te table as a place to teac etiquette: ow a gentleman treats a lady at te table, ow se is to respond, and te proper manners we sould all ave. Table time in our ome didn t include just us eiter. We were always intentional about osting visiting missionaries or various ministry workers, not only to practice te gift of ospitality but also to strategically use te table as a way to reinforce our value system wit our cildren. As our cildren eard stories about God s work from tose in ministry or missions, tey gained a greater appreciation for service. Tey also learned to cultivate teir own gifts of ospitality, as we required tem to pitc in wit meal preparation, table setting, conversation, and cleaning up. My pilosopy on table talk grew out of my desire to create a centrally located place of disciplesip in our ome and take advantage of someting we were already doing togeter naturally. But te teology beind table talk reaces muc furter back tan tat. Te table often served as te meeting place for families in Jewis culture in biblical times. In fact, King David incorporated te table in my all-time favorite capter of te Bible te capter tat speaks about te kingdom family, Psalm 128: How blessed is everyone wo fears te Lord, wo walks in His ways. Wen you sall eat of te fruit of your ands, you will be appy and it will be well wit you. Your wife sall be like a fruitful vine witin your ouse, your cildren like olive plants around your table. Beold, for tus sall te man be blessed wo fears te Lord. Te Lord bless you from Zion, and may you see te prosperity of Jerusalem all te days of your life. Indeed, may you see your cildren s cildren. Peace be upon Israel! In te tird verse we read tat te kingdom family will ave cildren like olive plants around teir table. We are to use te table as a major place for kingdom parenting, and in so doing, our cildren will receive te nurturing necessary for teir growt. Te olive plant takes on average fifteen years to become a tree, but it as to be nurtured properly during tat time in order for it

146 136 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Kingdom parent, te table is not only te best place for pysical nourising of your cildren, but also for spiritual, relational, and moral nurturing to take place. to grow into a strong tree. Kingdom parent, te table is not only te best place for pysical nourising of your cildren, but also for spiritual, relational, and moral nurturing to take place. Now, I understand tat circumstances don t allow for every family to gater around te table every nigt, but it s my ope tat, as muc as possible, we as a body of believers raising kingdom kids will make an intentional return to te table. Let s recognize it for te strategic place it plays in te life, ealt, and development of our omes. Your time at te table establises rapport, openness, and familiarity witin te family. Tese tings contribute to your cildren s ealty maturing and provide te location for all oter virtues and values to germinate. As you intentionally guide discussions, questions, and devotions, you can focus on areas needing te greatest improvement wile offering encouragement and praise for tose areas tat ave already been cultivated well. But don t let te table become a formal time to ceck off your list. Instead, allow it to organically produce conversation guided along te lines of responsibility and growt. Tis creates an atmospere for saring and fun to occur, as well as an openness to learning. Sanctified by God s Word Wen writing to is protégé Timoty, Paul began a discussion about te day and time people would begin to fall away from te fait. Witin tat context, te subject of food was brougt up, and Paul wrote, For everyting created by God is good, and noting is to be rejected if it is received wit gratitude; for it

147 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 137 is sanctified by means of te word of God and prayer (1 Timoty 4:4 5). Paul referenced more tan just food in tis passage, but te worldly wisdom and false ideologies e also spoke about are all topics for te table. And all tese are to be sanctified by God s Word and prayer. At te table, as well as in your ome, a major component for cultivating a kingdom atmospere is te value you place on God s Word and prayer. God s Word as te power to sape your cildren s caracter and guide teir beavior more tan anyting else. It as te potential to be te single most impactful ting in a person s life. Timoty tells us tat Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teacing, for reproof, for correction, and for training in rigteousness (2 Timoty 3:16). In Hebrews we read tat te Word of God is living and active and sarper tan any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as te division of soul and spirit, of bot joints and marrow (4:12). God s Word contains witin it everyting necessary to guide, direct, and empower us to truly live a kingdom life. Yet tis valuable treasure frequently goes unnoticed and unused by parents and cildren in our omes. Understandably, many kids feel intimidated by te Bible. It s a uge book and it traverses about in a variety of directions. Add to tat te numerous cultural nuances and contrasting literary styles, and young people can easily get confused or lost in te process of reading it. Adults dedicate years to studying te Bible before tey fully grasp ow it flows contextually and tematically. I spent over a decade in my own personal studies, starting wit graduating from Bible college, getting my master s degree, and ten a doctorate in teology, and I still ave a lot to learn. You can only imagine ow a cild or teenager wo grew up on te Disney Cannel, gaming, and texting migt view tis ancient, multifaceted, and, at times, complicated book. Tat s wy it s so important for you as a parent to searc out and procure age-appropriate introductions to God s Word for your cildren. Wen tey are young, get tem a beginner s Bible tat touces on te major stories. A colleague of mine as is eigt-year-old reading troug te entire Bible in a year, but e s doing it using a cildren s Bible. Of course tat won t cover every

148 138 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS verse, and it will probably ave as many pages of pictures as it does text, but as tat young boy experiences te joy and accomplisment of reading God s Word, it will develop in im a desire to know te Bible more and more as e continues to grow. In addition, tere are a number of books written for cildren tat give an introductory overview, background, and breakdown of te Bible. It is a good idea to invest in a few of tose and read tem along wit your cildren after mealtime wile you are still at te table. You migt commit to reading a capter a week, or even a capter a day, depending on te lengt, and you can use tis time as an opportunity to discuss ow to approac and study God s Word. As you go about te process of creating an atmospere of love for and dependence on God s Word in your ome, tere are tree primary principles to pay special attention to. Tese principles, wen applied, will make te most of your cildren s Bible-study experience. Tey include ow we are to receive God s Word, ow we reflect on it, and ow we respond to it. Receive te Word James tells us ow we are to receive te Word in tis passage: Terefore, putting aside all filtiness and all tat remains of wickedness, in umility receive te word implanted, wic is able to save your souls (James 1:21). Creating an atmospere were God s Word is te ultimate autority on everyting will go far in training your cildren ow to value His trut. Next, tey are to receive te implanted word, wic means inborn, and can be best illustrated by comparing it to a fertilized egg in te womb of a woman. 2 Because of te position and connection of te implanted egg, it can now receive te nourisment tat te moter provides in order for it to develop into a baby. Just like te fertilized egg requires nourisment to grow and develop, te seed of God s Word implanted in us also requires nourisment. And similar to te baby wo can receive te nourisment needed to grow only troug te umbilical cord, God as supplied one way for te seed of His Word to expand witin us, and tat is troug te Holy Spirit.

149 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 139 Keep in mind tat it is possible to ave te word implanted but still ave not received it. Te word receive means to to receive favorably, give ear to, embrace, make one s own, approve, not You must train your cildren to allow God s Word to reac deep witin tem so it can take root and flouris. to reject. It means more tan just simply earing someting, aving someting, or knowing someting. I interpret tis word to mean welcoming knowledge. 3 Wen you welcome someone wo is standing at te door of your ome, you invite tat person in. Te person walks troug te door and enters your ome. You don t just stand at te door and say, You are welcome. You user tat person in, wic enables your welcome to be experienced and lived out. Wen we welcome te word of God, it goes to work in our souls. First and foremost, you must train your cildren to allow God s Word to reac deep witin tem so it can take root and flouris troug teir tougts, feelings, and actions. Tis will require time to reflect on God s Word. Reflect on te Word As you read God s Word at te table, take time to allow eac family member to reflect on wat te passage is saying and ten sare teir reflections wit one anoter. Ultimately tese reflections sould produce responses to carry out. As James writes, But prove yourselves doers of te word, and not merely earers wo delude temselves. For if anyone is a earer of te word and not a doer, e is like a man wo looks at is natural face in a mirror; for once e as looked at imself and gone away, e as immediately forgotten wat kind of person e was (James 1:22 24). It s interesting tat te word used for man in verse 23 is te specific term for te male gender. 4 Tis passage is dealing wit men and mirrors, wic is entirely different tan dealing wit women and mirrors. If it were dealing wit

150 140 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS women and mirrors, it would say, Be a earer and a doer of te word like a woman wo looks at er natural or made-up face in a mirror; for once se as looked at erself, se does not go away, but rater grabs anoter mirror to look at te back of er air, and anoter mirror to look at te close-up of er eyeliner and lipstick, and ten walks to yet anoter mirror to get a full-lengt view. Se will not forget wat se looks like. Te Art of Listening by Priscilla Sirer I spent many ours as a kid sitting on te floor in te allway of our ome, listening intently to conversations appening just on te oter side of te wall. Dad and Mom would often invite visiting preacers, singers, and missionaries over for a ome-cooked meal. And wen te conversation moved from te dining table to te comfort of te living room, I d disappear to my perc in te all just out of sigt. And I would listen. I was out of place among tese leaders, and I knew it. Great men of God would discuss te finer points of Scripture, dissecting various segments of teology wit passion. Everyting tey said was interesting to me, even wen all te people in te room were agreeing wit eac oter s points. But wat I loved te most was wen tey d come to moments of dispute over some teacing or opinion. Tese were friendly bouts of arguing, of course. Tey were always kind and patient wit eac oter. But wenever I could tell a good debate was starting up, I would press my ear directly against te wall and listen even more closely, oping to understand. I rarely did, of course. I was too young for understanding but not for listening, eavesdropping, or looking up te scriptures I eard, pondering tem for long periods of time after my parents guests ad left. I still do. Te Word became alive to me as a cild because it was around me.

151 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 141 Everywere. My parents filled our ears and ands and earts and minds wit it. Praise music wafted troug te air every day, not just on Sunday. Tey led us in devotions at dinnertime on regular occasions, and posted scriptures in strategic places trougout te ouse, creatively printed on artwork. Tey invited members of our curc over and ten purposefully turned te conversation toward spiritual tings so my siblings and I could ear and learn, catcing te crumbs of wisdom sared over cups of ot tea. And ten, of course, tere was te flannelboard. Long before electronic options were available, tat soft-faced, blackboard was always witin arm s reac tucked inside a closet just outside my bedroom door and ready to be used at a moment s notice. My mom would take it out, along wit a bag filled wit felt Bible caracters, telling us stories of Jona or David, Noa or Ester. We d watc wide-eyed in wonder every single time se adered tat felt rock to Goliat s ead and made im fall flat to te floor. Every. Single. Time. Se loved telling us tose stories. And we loved listening to tem. Because God s Word is a blessing. At tat age; at every age. Even now, one of my deepest opes as a parent is tat I can pass along tis blessing of loving God s Word to my cildren as well te way it was passed along to me. At every opportunity. Now tat s an entirely different verse altogeter. And tat s actually ow we are to reflect on God s Word like a woman wit a mirror, not like a man wo looks once, leaves, and forgets to look again te rest of te day, likewise forgetting wat e looks like. Men are satisfied wit a glance in te mirror, wile women need to gaze. Reflecting on God s Word is muc more tan a glance. It involves rolling it over in te mind until a person begins to see imself or erself as God says e or se really is. An excellent way to teac your cildren ow to do tis is to practice memorizing Scripture and ten recite it at te table. Tis is one gift you can give your cildren on an ongoing basis tat will stay wit tem into

152 142 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS We are to reflect on God s Word like a woman wit a mirror, not like a man wo looks once, leaves, and forgets to look again te rest of te day, likewise forgetting wat e looks like. adultood. Once te Word takes root deep witin teir memory and soul, it will always be tere for te Spirit to call up wen tey need it most. As our table time as evolved to include grandcildren, one of teir favorite times by far is wen tey get to stand up on a cair or platform and recite teir memory verses. I love to see teir smiles as tey receive everyone s undivided attention and applause for tis important accomplisment in teir lives. Respond to te Word Lastly, use your time in God s Word at te table to teac your cildren ow to respond to it. God s blessing often depends on ow we respond to wat He says. In te parable of te soils, Jesus talks about four responses to te seed of His Word (see Luke 8:4 15). Te first is actually a lack of response. Te soil does not receive te seed at all. Ten tere is te sallow response tose people wo receive te Word but do not water and care for it, so it soon witers away. Te tird response Jesus talked about is wat I call te inadequate response. Tese people are too muc into te cares and worries of tis world to give God te time and attention He deserves. As a result, teir spiritual lives fall into a state of neglect. Te fourt response is te rigt response: Te good soil absorbs te Word and produces fruit. It demonstrates in words, tougts, and actions te precepts and principles of God s trut. Te Bible calls itself a law tat liberates us (see James 1:25) wen we respond to it correctly. Tat seems like a contradiction to a lot of us because we

153 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 143 tink of law as someting tat inders and restricts, not liberates. But David said, I will walk at liberty, for I seek Your precepts (Psalm 119:45). Te more e followed God s law, te freer e was because e was not bound by consequences of a life lived outside of te perfect will of God. Jesus tells us of tis freedom wen He says, You will know te trut, and te trut will make you free (Jon 8:32). We can ave rules and freedom at te same time because true freedom demands boundaries. Most people define freedom incorrectly. Tey tink freedom is te absence of any rules, doing watever tey want wenever tey want. But suc freedom is actually te worst form of slavery. Jesus said, Everyone wo commits sin is te slave of sin (Jon 8:34). Terefore, true freedom comes wen we are set free from sin and become slaves to Crist. One way we can speed up te process of responding to God s Word is troug wat James tells us in te first capter: Everyone must be quick to ear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19). You migt be wondering, Quick to ear wat? We are to be quick to ear God s viewpoint on a matter. You migt also ask, Slow to speak wat? We are to be slow to speak our own viewpoint on a matter. And wen God s viewpoint on a matter differs from our viewpoint on a matter, ten we are told to be slow to anger about it. Parents, use your table time Parents, use your table time not only for fun and fellowsip, but also use it to cultivate an atmospere tat knows and applies God s Word in te everyday situations of life. not only for fun and fellowsip, but also use it to cultivate an atmospere tat knows and applies God s Word in te everyday situations of life. By doing so, you will ave placed witin your cildren s spirits te seeds for a lasting legacy of trut. You will ave positioned tem for victorious kingdom living.

154 144 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Sanctified by Prayer In te passage we looked at earlier from 1 Timoty 4, Paul wrote tat tese tings, including food, are sanctified by God s Word, but tey are also sanctified by prayer. An atmospere tat encourages prayer as a normal and consistent occurrence will provide your cildren wit te tools tey need for spiritual growt in te ome and on into adultood. Mastering te art of prayer will start your cildren off on te rigt footing to face all tat tey need to in life. Prayer is one of te most, if not te most, important tings in te life of any believer. Now, we Cristians love to talk about prayer. We love to ear people tell us about answered prayer. We trill to te stories of great Cristians from te past wo ad unbelievable prayer lives and saw God do unbelievable tings. We love everyting about prayer except, it seems, te actual discipline of praying. Wy do I say tat? Only 38 percent of Protestants pray more tan once a day. Tat means 62 percent pray only once a day or maybe only once a week or maybe not at all. 5 I sudder to We love everyting about prayer except, it seems, te actual discipline of praying. imagine wat te stats would look like if te researcers removed saying grace at mealtimes. If you want to know were you stand in your prayer life, let me suggest a test. Compare te time you spend complaining to te time you spend praying. Or compare te time you spend talking to people about oter people to te time you spend talking to God about oter people. Prayer is an area were many adults struggle. If you know ow difficult it is for you to maintain a consistent prayer life, you can imagine ow difficult it is for your cild. We all need to get better a lot better in prayer, cildren and adults alike. God as ordered His world in suc a way tat tere are many tings He will not do in te life of te Cristian apart from prayer. Prayer is inviting eavenly

155 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 145 intervention in istory. It is pulling te supernatural into te natural seeking te extraordinary to invade te ordinary. Te natural uman tendency, even among Cristians, is to tink of prayer as a last resort. Wen we ave a need or a problem, we consider wat we can do and ten work at it troug our own power. Only wen te situation seems opeless do we decide tat we need to pray about it. Yet if we were tinking straigt, prayer would be our first response to a need. As parents, to create an atmospere of prayer in your ome, te best and most Prayer is inviting eavenly intervention in istory. effective ting you can do is to pray for your cildren every day. Better tan tat is to pray wit tem wile also for tem every day. You can start by doing tis at te table, but let it carry over to oter locations and times in your family life. In fact, even wen tey move out of te ouse or are away at college, call tem regularly to say a quick prayer wit tem or a lengty one if you can keep tem on te line long enoug. Tis will pour volumes of love and value into tem wile also seeking God s continual intervention and favor on teir bealf. By doing tis, you are training your cildren in te power of prayer by modeling your own value and use of it in front of tem. Wat are some of te tings you sould pray for wit regard to your cildren? Let Luke 2:52, wic describes te boyood of Jesus, serve as your beginning guide. We read, And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor wit God and men. Four areas of development are mentioned ere, and tey are all areas in wic we would like to see our cildren mature. Te first is wisdom not just factual knowledge but te ability to apply spiritual trut to te practical issues of daily life. You can pray for your cildren tat tey will grow in wisdom. Te book of Psalms tells us te fear of te Lord is te beginning of wisdom (see Psalm 111:10). As your cildren grow in teir reverence for God, tey will also be growing in wisdom. Increasing in... stature refers to pysical growt. Pray ere for your

156 146 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS cildren s safety and good ealt so tat tey can develop to te full extent of teir God-given abilities. Pray tat tey will treat teir bodies well by eating ealty, avoiding negative contaminants, getting enoug rest, and practicing safety precautions, suc as wearing teir seat belts in te car. In favor wit God is a clear reference to spiritual growt. Pray tat your cildren will always ave tender earts toward te Lord tat knowing Him, walking wit Him, and serving Him will be teir greatest desire. Pray tat true Cristlikeness will be developed in tem as time goes by. And pray tat te grace of God s favor will be given to tem freely. Similar to te prayer tat Jabez prayed wen e asked for God s favor by expanding is borders of influence, ask God to expand your cildren s borders of influence as well troug an abundance of His favor in teir lives. Finally, in favor wit... men refers to social growt. Pray tat your kids will learn ow to get along wit oters, ow to be true friends, and ow to socialize witout compromising teir values. Pray tat God will bring tem good friends wo will be a positive influence, and ask God to raise your cildren up as a positive influence in te lives of tose around tem. Ask God to give tem a eart for His people and for taking His saving trut to tose in need. And pray tat, even wile tey are still young, God would be preparing te boy or girl wo will grow up to one day be a godly mate for eac one of your cildren. Like any wortwile endeavor, remember tat prayer requires practice and persistence. Tere is no better place to engage in prayer tan at your regular time at te family table. If you, your family, or your cildren ave not been in te abit of talking wit God and te concept seems unnatural or uncomfortable, make tis te subject of your prayers. Be onest wit God about wanting to develop a prayerful atmospere in your ome. Te bottom line is to pray. If you re tired, sick, or emotionally overwelmed pray. If you re on cloud nine and family life seems perfect pray. If you lack direction for yourself or your kids pray. If you doubt tat prayer makes any difference pray. If te circumstances of your ome are out of your control pray. If te circumstances of your ome seem well witin your control pray even arder. Watever you do pray. Don t let te enemy trick you or your cildren into giving up te priceless privilege and powerful position of communicating wit our great God.

157 Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 147 By incorporating te study of God s Word and prayer into your regular family meals, as well as adding fun activities, jokes, etiquette training, discussions about scool and friends, and myriad oter tings, you will establis an atmospere of spiritual ealt were your cildren will trive as olive plants around your table. I want to introduce te next section of our time togeter by returning briefly to Luke 2:52 were we read tat Jesus grew in wisdom, stature, and favor wit God and man. Most of us believe passionately in our cildren s pysical, social, and intellectual development. We make sure tey ave clotes and selter. We see Te bottom line is to pray. tat tey eat rigt and get enoug sleep. We elp tem learn ow to mix wit oter people so tey don t feel odd and left out, and we monitor teir friends so tey aren t playing wit te wrong kids. In addition, we keep a close eye on teir grades and scooling so we know wat tey re learning. God says we sould take te same kind of care wit our kids spiritual development. We need to make sure we are giving tem a regular diet of spiritual nourisment and training at ome. Parents, tis next section on instilling kingdom virtues outlines key biblical principles to nurture and encourage in your cild s eart.

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159 PART III INSTILLING KINGDOM VIRTUES

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161 11 WISDOM Life is full of decisions, and most of us are tired of making te wrong ones. As parents, some of us still feel te effects of poor coices we made in our yout, or even as adults. If you ad te opportunity to relive your teen years, in ligt of wat you know now, would you do anyting differently? Would you make better coices? Wile none of us ave te opportunity to turn back te ands of time and make better decisions, as parents raising kingdom kids we can certainly do everyting in our power and influence to instill te virtue of wisdom into our kids so tey can live a life wit te fewest possible regrets. No one will make te perfect decision every time simply because no one is perfect. But godly wisdom can enable a person to it te mark more often tan not, tus positioning oneself for security and positive accrual in te future. Te ability to make positive and productive decisions to coose well is wat te Bible calls wisdom. Coosing Well I love Indiana Jones movies. I love te adventure, case, intrigue, and ultimate conquests tat sow up in eac one. Indiana Jones overcomes every obstacle and scales every wall in order to reac is ultimate goal. But victory doesn t come simply troug brawn and resolve most often it also requires wisdom for im to get wat e wants. One of my all-time favorite scenes in te movie Indiana Jones and te Last

162 152 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Crusade is te one were e is casing after te elusive Holy Grail, te cup tat Jesus used during His Last Supper. Troug many dangers, toils, and snares, Indiana Jones makes it safely No one will make te perfect decision every time simply because no one is perfect. But godly wisdom can enable a person to it te mark more often tan not. to is final callenge a callenge tat will test every bit of is wisdom. We see Indiana Jones standing in te candle-lit Grail sanctuary in te Temple of te Sun, guarded continuously by te aged yet ageless Grail Knigt. Dozens of calices and bowls sit around te room, eac aving its own unique style and imprint. Te final test to prove one s wortiness to discover te true treasured cup rests on a searc troug te various options to finally select te one, true Grail. Weter tat coice is correct or not will be revealed wen te person takes is cosen cup, fills it from te fount of te camber, and takes a sip. If e cooses te Holy Grail, e will live. If e cooses any oter calice, e will quickly experience a painful deat. As Indiana Jones and te oter caracters in te film first enter te Grail sanctuary, tey are met by te Grail Knigt wo explains wat tey are to do and ten adds tese last words of warning: Coose wisely, for as te true Grail will bring you life, te false grail sall take it from you. 1 Te antagonist in te film cooses first and e cooses poorly, dying and decomposing before everyone s eyes. Indiana Jones cooses next. He cooses wisely, tus receiving not only life for imself but also te ealing life e needs to give to is fater, wo as been injured and is near deat. Te Indiana Jones films are meant to entertain us. But tis scene ecoes wit te profound reality found in God s Word. God as given us His commandments, precepts, and principles to sow us ow we are to live a life of wisdom, but te coice is ultimately ours. Te coice is ultimately our cildren s. You can parent your cildren, you can selter tem, and you can set

163 Wisdom 153 boundaries for tem wile tey are young, but eventually you will see tat you cannot coose life s decisions for your cildren. If your cildren coose wisely, te trut of God s Word will bring life to tem and also to tose around tem. If tey coose poorly, life can take tem in a variety of less-tan-desirable ways and likewise negatively affect tose around tem. One of te areas I struggled wit as a fater was tis balance between making coices for my kids or giving tem te freedom to coose. Tis was especially true during te teen years, in particular wit te coice of friends tat bot of my daugters, Crystal and Priscilla, were making. Tey didn t always make te wisest coices about te kinds of friends to ang around. It was difficult for me to determine ow to eiter deny or limit te friendsips my daugters valued wile also elping tem to make teir own decisions about wic friendsips to develop, witout my forcing tem. Sometimes I would simply say, No more, wit regard to a particular friend. Oter times, I d ask my daugters to bring teir friends to te ouse so we could spend time wit tem and ten later ave te opportunity to discuss positive or negative influences. Wile wisdom is not someting you can force on your kids, but rater someting tey need to learn for temselves, wisdom is te very eartbeat of life. Teacing your cildren wisdom and its value is critical to raising tem as kingdom kids. Teacing your kids to coose wisely were relationsips are concerned is Teac your cildren to pick teir friends based on teir caracter, not teir culture based on etics rater tan etnicity. especially important. For example, it s important to teac your cildren to pick teir friends based on teir caracter, not teir culture based on etics rater tan etnicity. Life is fragile; wisdom elps us to protect it, and one way is by wom we coose to surround ourselves wit. Wen your cildren apply God s wisdom to teir lives, wen tey live in accordance wit wat He as outlined for tem in Scripture, ten tey will

164 154 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS experience being in God s will. Wisdom is te application of God s will to te practical areas of life. Wisdom is spiritual trut applied to life s realities. Wisdom Versus Information Te book of Proverbs is an entire book about wisdom, and muc of it is written from a parent to a cild. In te first capter we read, Te fear of te Lord is te beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction (Proverbs 1:7). It is a fool wo does not want to be wise. But tose wo seek wisdom will find it troug knowing God and understanding His ways. Te fear of te Lord is te beginning of wisdom, and te knowledge of te Holy One is understanding (Proverbs 9:10). Proverbs tells us ow available wisdom is: Wisdom souts in te street, se lifts er voice in te square (Proverbs 1:20). Wisdom is not elusive; rater, it offers elp to anyone making a decision. Ultimately, wisdom is te God-given ability to perceive te true nature of a ting and ten implement te will of God concerning it. It is tat special viewpoint tat allows a person to intuit wat is truly going on and ten apply God s direction regarding tat insigt. Wisdom is spiritual trut applied to life s realities. Because life is full of twists and turns, detours and drop-offs, being wise is critical. We constantly ave to make decisions. Wisdom enables a person to clearly deciper wat is going on, and ten do te rigt ting wit tat information. But in order to perceive te true nature of a ting, you first ave to know wat s true. Tis is wat te Bible calls knowledge: Te fear of te Lord is te beginning of knowledge. We live in a day of increased information but decreased knowledge. Information sits at our fingertips on our tablets, in our pones, in our Google searc boxes. It s tere for us to access in a split second, even if it may not be entirely accurate. To a large degree, we ave become a culture of great misinformation. Hoaxes go viral on te Internet and tousands of people believe tem to be fact. Hearsay as become more valuable tan fact, rumor more respected tan reality.

165 Wisdom 155 Wisdom is more tan information. It comes couced in te knowledge of te true nature of a ting because God at His core is trut His Word is trut. Knowledge, toug, in and of We live in a day of increased information but decreased knowledge. itself, isn t wisdom. Tere are a lot of people wo ave a great deal of knowledge about many tings, but tey don t know wat to do wit tat knowledge. Tey can t apply it. Maybe you ve met someone wo is a genius, but e or se doesn t ave muc common sense. In essence, e or se is a brilliantly ignorant person. For wisdom to be birted, knowledge must be married to understanding (Proverbs 9:10). Tese two combined give us wat we need to live kingdom lives and establis ealty omes. Many of you reading tis book ave cildren in college, or will ave in te future. Tey will spend four years or more acquiring te knowledge and skills necessary to develop a career. You ope tis investment in information and training will pay off in te future. But one of te worst tings a young adult can do is to acquire a bunc of knowledge witout godly wisdom. As soon as your cild graduates and enters te real world as we know it, is or er decisions will begin to demonstrate ow essential wisdom truly is. Peraps your cild will op from one job to anoter, not understanding te importance of establising a sound résumé. Maybe e or se will spend is or er newfound income on tings tat won t last, failing to invest in te future or, if need be, pay off te past. Maybe your cild won t understand office nuances and te value of respect in relationsips in work environments, suddenly finding imself or erself out of a job wit little or no warning. Watever te case, information witout wisdom does little good in life. Te Benefits of Wisdom Wisdom is life-giving because it comes from God, te autor of life. It is in knowing God His caracter, attributes, precepts, and desires tat we find te insigt we need for kingdom living. Now, knowing God is not te same

166 156 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS ting as knowing about God. Rater, it is an intimate, abiding fellowsip wit Him. Tat s wy God referred to Abraam as His friend. It s wy He said David was a man after His own eart. Many of your cildren, if tey are preteens and older, know celebrities and atletes yet ave never met tem. You probably know tem yourself. You can cite statistics of toucdowns or points scored. You can name wic celebrity as recently divorced, wo is in reab, wo Knowing God is not te same ting as knowing about God. wears wat, sops were, and so on. Reality television as given us a glimpse into people s lives like never before. Hours and ours of individuals lives are now displayed for te world to see. And after watcing enoug episodes, you migt feel as if you actually know tem. Yet if you were to pass tese atletes or celebrities on te street, tey wouldn t even nod at you because tey don t know you and ultimately you don t know tem. You just know about tem. I ve been a pastor now for over tree decades, and I ve frequently seen someting similar appen at curc. People come to curc, nod amen at te sermon, acquire book knowledge about God s Word, and ten make disastrous decisions in teir lives ultimately revealing tey don t know God very well at all. Knowing God requires two-way conversation and understanding, not just one-way information. It requires abiding in God s presence, allowing His Word to take root in te soul and bear fruit. Te blessing of knowing God deeply sows up in many ways. Wen you know God, you ave a less problematic life, and you are victorious wen problems do come. No matter ow we slice it, life as problems and pain. To teac your cildren anyting different is leading tem astray. Many parents make te mistake of trying to selter teir cildren from life s pains or disappointments rater tan teacing tem ow to face tem confidently and victoriously. By isolating your cildren from te realities of life, you are simply delaying te inevitable. Wat s even worse, you will launc tem into adultood witout te emotional and spiritual tools tey need to navigate troug life. A member of our curc once told me tat wen er tird-grade daugter

167 Wisdom 157 didn t make te elementary scool coir tryouts, se was devastated. It broke tis mom s eart to see er daugter s dreams crused so early in life; it urt to watc er daugter experience rejection at suc a young age. But ten se told me ow a friend canged er viewpoint concerning te situation wen se made te comment, I d muc rater my cildren learn ow to andle tese toug life lessons in an affirmative environment of love wile still in te ome tan never learn tem at all until tey become a young adult. It will be a rude surprise for tem ten, and tey may not know ow to receive it. Even toug we want to protect our cildren from disappointments and pain, we won t be able to do tat forever. Te wiser approac is not to try to cover up disappointment wit a trip to te mall, a new toy, or some good food by doing so you are actually teacing your cild ow to turn to vices rater tan virtues, even if tose vices seem innocent at te time. Te wise approac is giving your cild te tools to face disappointment in ligt of te wisdom of God s Word, wic tells us He is sovereign and as a plan and destiny for eac of us. Tere are many illustrations in Scripture were setbacks were simply setups for someting better. Te benefit of wisdom is not tat you won t ave any problems. Te benefit of wisdom is tat te problems will not ave you. Te benefit of wisdom is not tat you won t ave any problems. Te benefit of wisdom is tat te problems will not ave you. In tis world, we will ave problems, but wen you equip your cildren wit wisdom, tose problems do not ave to consume tem. Tey will know ow to face tem, and as a result, tey will experience more of God s goodness in teir lives. Solomon writes in Proverbs, For lengt of days and years of life and peace [wise coices] will add to you (Proverbs 3:2). Wisdom brings peace. In verse 24 we read, Wen you lie down, you will not be afraid, wen you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Basically, te fear and anxiety tat plague so many of us today won t be your cildren s experience if you train tem in tis key virtue of wisdom. Te book of Colossians reveals anoter benefit of wisdom: a productive

168 158 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS life. For tis reason also, since te day we eard of it, we ave not ceased to pray for you and to ask tat you may be filled wit te knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so tat you will walk in a manner worty of te Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work (Colossians 1:9 10). By learning to acquire and apply wisdom, your cildren will ave te opportunity to make te most of teir lives. Tey will be productive and fruitful in all tat tey do. Wat more could a parent ope for? Different Kinds of Wisdom God s Word teaces us tat tere are different types of wisdom arising out of two very different sources. We read about tese two different types in te book of James: Wo among you is wise and understanding? Let im sow by is good beavior is deeds in te gentleness of wisdom. But if you ave bitter jealousy and selfis ambition in your eart, do not be arrogant and so lie against te trut. Tis wisdom is not tat wic comes down from above, but is eartly, natural, demonic. For were jealousy and selfis ambition exist, tere is disorder and every evil ting. But te wisdom from above is first pure, ten peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, witout ypocrisy. And te seed wose fruit is rigteousness is sown in peace by tose wo make peace. (James 3:13 18) First, tere is a form of wisdom tat is not from above, but is eartly, natural, demonic (James 3:15). By contrast, te wisdom from above is first pure, ten peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, witout ypocrisy (verse 17). Look again at te wisdom tat is not from God. It is eartly, worldly, from below. In our society, people ave become trapped by tis way of tinking, wic is not surprising. Yet wat s unfortunate is te number of Cristians wo

169 Wisdom 159 live by uman wisdom rater tan godly wisdom. Tese believers pay, and will continue to pay, a ig price for following te world s wisdom. Te Bible says, Tere is a way wic seems rigt to a man, but its end is te way of deat (Proverbs 14:12). It is essential to train your cildren ow to distinguis between tese two types of wisdom. Te Bible says, How blessed is te man wo does not walk in te counsel of te wicked, nor stand in te pat of sinners, nor sit in te seat of scoffers! But is deligt is in te law of te Lord (Psalm 1:1 2). Be an Eagle by Antony Evans Jr. I ve lived in Los Angeles for te past two years. I can onestly say tat tis city will callenge one s wisdom and conviction. Te culture is impulsive and designed to move you toward adopting a lifestyle of doing watever you feel is rigt in te moment. I ave learned te value of wisdom troug te example of my parents. I watc tem make calculated moves tat ave been cecked against te trut of Scripture. As I navigate my way troug tis culture, trying to make good decisions, I constantly recall a story my dad used to tell me about a bald eagle tat was raised on a turkey farm. Because of is environment, te eagle believed e was a turkey. He believed wit all is eart tat is potential was defined by te turkeys e ad spent most of is life wit until one day e saw an eagle flying above is ead. He looked up and noticed tat tis regal bird was extremely ig and flying effortlessly. Wit is amazing vision e started to notice tat e ad similarities to tis majestic creature. Out of curiosity te eagle began to flap is wings arder and arder until e left te ground and began to fly. He went iger and iger, enjoying is newfound ability. Wen e returned to te farmyard, is turkey broters tried to make im feel odd because e was so different. Tis eagle now realized tat e ad always ad tis potential, but because of te turkeys e associated wit, e ad never reaced it. My fater

170 160 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS would tell tis story and ten say, Antony, you are an eagle. Use wisdom and don t surround yourself wit turkeys. Tey will limit your potential and keep you grounded. Wen I talk about my parents, I often say, I watced... As a cild of Cristian parents, watcing was te ingredient tat made earing translate into my adopting a belief system. As you encourage your cildren toward wisdom, it s so important tat tey not only ear wat you say, but tey also watc you do wat you say. Watcing wisdom being lived out as a cild is te reason wy I want to be wise as an adult, no matter ow unwise te culture around me migt be. You see, te wisdom of tis world is foolisness before God (1 Corintians 3:19). Human wisdom is wortless wen it comes to doing wat God expects. Apart from God we don t know were to find wisdom, since only God is all-wise. We see muc evidence around us of people following flesly wisdom. Consider te often-asked question, If it feels so good, ow can it be so wrong? I would ask in return, If it is so rigt, ow come your We must adjust our feelings to our fait if we are going to be wise. life is suc a mess? A flesly approac to wisdom puts feelings on a iger level tan fait. It allows emotion to overrule God s revelation. Wat uman wisdom considers important is ow I feel, not wat God says. But godly wisdom says tat our feelings must conform to God s trut. We must adjust our feelings to our fait if we are going to be wise. Te Word of God coupled wit knowing God intimately are te only sources of true wisdom from above. Te Bible teaces us to set your mind on te tings above, not on te tings tat are on eart (Colossians 3:2). Only tose wo are tapped into God s wisdom will experience God s power.

171 Wisdom 161 Tese days too many of our cildren are like te man from te rural country town wo bougt a cainsaw because te ardware store owner told im e could cut down more trees eac day wit a lot less effort. Tis guy ad never seen a cainsaw before, but e went aead and got one. He came back a week later, saying, Give me my money back. Tis is a piece of junk. I used tis ting all day long, and I only cut down one tree. Te clerk was surprised, so e took te saw from te man and pulled te cord. Te cainsaw roared to life, and te man jumped back in astonisment. He never knew tat e needed to turn it on for it to work. Many yout and many adults tink tey ave tried God s wisdom and ave concluded it just doesn t work. Tey tink tat tey ave been living God s way tey ve memorized Bible verses, attended Sunday scool, cecked off teir list of dos and stayed away from teir list of don ts but tey re actually still stuck in te way tey ave been used to living. Instead of truly applying God s wisdom, tey simply mix in a little bit of God wit a lot of everyting else, and ten some. Yes, tey ve kept teir religion s rules, but tey ve also kept te fles. Tat doesn t work. We can compare tis to rat poison. Did you know tat a large percentage of rat bait is actually good food? It s not te food tat kills te rats it s te small percentage of poison tat gets tem. Even a little bit of eartly wisdom will cancel out godly wisdom, because you can t mix te trut wit a lie. Tat s wy God wants our woleearted, unmixed devotion. He wants all of us. Godly wisdom and worldly wisdom originate from vastly different, mutually exclusive sources. Everyone as two coices on were to get wisdom from above or below. Too Too many people today go to curc on Sunday and ten live teir lives by ell s standards on Monday troug Saturday. many people today go to curc on Sunday and ten live teir lives by ell s standards on Monday troug Saturday because tey are living according to te wisdom of tis age. Most of our problems arise out of tis combination of te two. As we see in James:

172 162 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS But if any of you lacks wisdom, let im ask of God, wo gives to all generously and witout reproac, and it will be given to im. But e must ask in fait witout any doubting, for te one wo doubts is like te surf of te sea, driven and tossed by te wind. For tat man ougt not to expect tat e will receive anyting from te Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all is ways. (James 1:5 8) Burger King says to ave it your way, but God says you can t ave bot. It s His way, or no way. Wen you don t seek wisdom from God in its entirety, you ougt not to expect tat [you] will receive anyting from te Lord. Tat s called double-mindedness. Wen we seek to integrate wisdom from above wit wisdom from below, God says we ve made our coice we want wisdom from below. He isn t going to integrate His ways, tougts, and will wit anyting oter tan His ways, tougts, and will. You can explain tis Burger King says to ave it your way, but God says you can t ave bot. to your cildren by using tis example: Suppose your son as is driver s license and decides to drive 90 mp down te interstate. Wen te policeman pulls im over, your cild decides to roll down is window and tell te policeman tat is mom, or is friend, or even is boss (if e s working) said e could in fact go 90 mp. Ultimately, tat would be an irrelevant conversation because a mom, friend, or boss is not te autority wen it comes to te laws of te land. Neiter is eartly wisdom relevant as an autority wen it comes to living under te King in te laws of His land. He rules over all. Te Spirit of Wisdom Consider also te sarp contrast between te spirit beind eartly wisdom and te Spirit wo energizes divine wisdom. As we saw in te passage from James, te spirit beind eartly wisdom stirs up jealousy and selfisness. Tis wisdom

173 Wisdom 163 is from te devil, wo became jealous of God and allowed is ambition to try to remove God from His trone. But godly wisdom as te gentle and peaceable Holy Spirit beind it. Tis wisdom is caracterized by mildness and calm, likewise producing te greatest results. Scripture says tat uman wisdom produces every evil ting (James 3:16). Godly wisdom, on te oter and, is te source of mercy and good fruits (verse 17). Eartly wisdom leads us to lie against te trut (verse 14) to use te trut to satisfy ourselves and promote our own agendas. Human wisdom subordinates te trut to suit personal goals. Godly wisdom, on te oter and, seeks to advance God s kingdom agenda on eart Ty kingdom come, Ty will be done troug te knowledge, understanding, and application of God s nature and trut. Train your cildren in godly wisdom and you will ave prepared tem to live teir lives to te fullest, as well as experience eternity wit te greatest rewards. Wen you give your cild te gift of cultivating godly wisdom, you won t ave to surround tem wit so many rules, because tey will know ow to make wise coices in te real world. Remember, kingdom parenting involves intentionally overseeing te generational transfer of te fait in suc a way tat cildren learn to consistently live all of life under God s divine autority. One elpful way to train your cildren in te virtue of wisdom is to get tem into te abit of attacing a spiritual principle to teir coices and decisions. You can do tis by allowing tem to watc te Wen you give your cildren te gift of cultivating godly wisdom, you won t ave to surround tem wit so many rules, because tey will know ow to make wise coices in te real world. way you apply spiritual principles to your life. You can also do tis by offering tem spiritual principles wen decisions in teir lives come up and discussing

174 164 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS wit tem different ways to respond. Invite tem to talk wit you, and walk tem troug te decision-making process. Tis will give tem an opportunity to interact wit te principle and discern te direction temselves. One way we did tis wit our cildren involved te area of stewardsip and personal finances. We taugt tem tat tey could not wis teir way into a kingdom economic way of life. We sowed tem were te Bible advises us to consider te ant tat stores up for te future wile tings are good (Proverbs 6:6 11). We also taugt tem tree words of wisdom to guide teir moneymaking decisions. Te first word is give. We instructed our cildren to onor God wit te firstfruits of teir income. If tey wanted God s blessing, tey needed to onor Him first, because He is te Owner of it all. To elp tem wit tis wen tey were young, we ad a soebox in te kitcen were tey placed 10 percent of teir allowance every week. Tis amount was ten given as an offering or to missions. We also taugt tem te spiritual principle tat if a person robs God of His tites to te curc and offerings, tus not meeting te emergency needs of te poor, e or se can forget te rest tat is promised (Malaci 3:8 9). We are meant to give God His portion first. Te second word is save. After our kids gave to te Lord, we taugt tem to save a portion of wat tey earned. Tey were never to spend everyting. Lastly, te tird word is spend. Tere s noting wrong wit spending. But it sould come tird in your financial priorities, not first. To elp our cildren understand te value of money, we also encouraged all four kids to get jobs as soon as tey were legally old enoug to do so. Tey were far less willing to spend teir ard-earned money knowing ow long it took tem to get it tan ours. Finally, along wit teacing our cildren wisdom in finances, we sougt to model it as well in all tat we did. Anoter way you can instill wisdom in your cildren is to read te book of Proverbs togeter regularly in your ome. Coose age-appropriate proverbs and take some time eac day to go over a few, discussing te principles tat are contained in tem. You can do tis as part of your normal mealtime activities, or it could be someting you do before your cildren go to bed or wen tey wake up in te morning. As you look at te book of Proverbs, or oter scriptures, you ll note natural

175 Wisdom 165 references to important subjects facing your cildren, suc as teir personal ealt or relationsips. For example, muc of te ealt crisis we are facing in our nation today is self-induced simply due to consuming ceaply produced, unealty syntetic, or genetically modified foods. One of te most important pieces of wisdom you can teac your cild is ow to discern ealty food coices. It is increasingly difficult tese days to make ealty food coices, but te long-term cost of not doing so is debilitating, if not deadly (see Proverbs 23:8; 30:8; Daniel 1:8-14; 3 Jon 1:2). In addition to wat we put into our mouts, elping our cildren understand tat te people tey surround ourselves wit will affect te coices tey make in filling teir time and teir minds; teir relationsips will ave a great impact on teir future. Te Bible is full of wisdom on relationsips (Psalm 1:1 3; Proverbs 1:16; 4:14; 6:24; 24:1; 17:17; 27:6), and it serves as an excellent starting point for guiding your kids toward good coices in making friends. It as been said tat you can predict were someone will be in ten years by te books tey read and te friends tey ave. (Tat migt need to be amended a bit tese days to also include te apps and games tey engage in on teir tablets, smartpones, or computers.) Giving your cildren te foundation of wisdom in relationsips One of te most important pieces of wisdom you can teac your cild is ow to discern ealty food coices. will go a long way toward providing tem wit a solid footing for te future. However you coose to incorporate te teacing of wisdom in your ome, make sure you are consistently teacing your cildren te principles beind te rules so tey learn te value of wisdom and begin to apply it temselves.

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177 12 INTEGRITY In 1980, I ad te privilege of taking part in a trip to Cina as a Bible teacer wit a number of NBA players, including Julius Erving, also known as Dr. J. Te NBA players presence in Cina attracted a lot of attention. People gatered werever we went in order to ceck out tese towering sports stars from te States. Te players performed in exibition games or put on clinics during most of our days. Te ype surrounding te players combined wit oter lively appenings on tis trip made it one of my more interesting international visits. I marveled at te streets overflowing wit te seer volume of bicycles speeding around every wic way. Having grown up in urban Baltimore, I wasn t accustomed to seeing tat many people on bikes. Te food wasn t quite wat I ad come to love in Baltimore eiter. Yet by far te most awe-inspiring occurrence on tis trip to Cina took place during a visit to te Great Wall wit our osts one day. Now, I ad studied te Great Wall of Cina in scool, but seeing tat series of fortifications in potos or in old films did noting to prepare me for wat I witnessed wen standing in front of it tat day. Te Great Wall commanded my attention, rising out of te eart as if it were alive, arcing troug te countryside in movements of formidable strengt. Our osts wanted us to do more tan simply see it. Tey wanted us to experience it. So tey suggested tat we climb it, wic proved to be an adventure in itself. Someting tey didn t teac me in scool about te Great Wall of Cina was te number of te steps. Never before ad I lumbered up so many difficult and uneven steps. Te construction of te Great Wall included

178 168 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS intentionally making te spacing between te steps irregular in order to slow down enemies and prevent tem from succeeding in taking over te wall. Over time, te unaligned steps worked to slow down tourists like myself as well. Yet I eventually reaced our lookout point, and I stood amazed, taking in te seer magnitude of stone, brick, and oter building materials tat were solidly beneat me wile stretcing out as far as I could see. In a time and place were travel and battles remained limited to te ground, te Great Wall, by its seer size, provided a ig level of protection against military incursions and unwanted intrusions by nomadic neigbors. But tere was one ting te Great Wall of Cina could do noting to defend against: te bribe. After guarding its people securely for undreds of years, te Great Wall was breaced in 1644 by an invading group known as te Mancu, wo bribed an influential general to open te gates and allow tem into Cina. 1 Not even te magnificent Great Wall could Boundaries, standards call it wat you will integrity is an essential virtue to living out a full and victorious kingdom life. defend itself against a significant lapse of integrity. Like te Great Wall, integrity defines te boundaries placed in our lives tat guide us, protect us, and secure us against te enemies offenses. Tese boundaries will protect our cildren wen Satan seeks to rob tem of teir destinies. Yet wen tese boundaries fail for watever reason it becomes easy for te enemy to advance and overcome your cildren. Boundaries, standards call it wat you will integrity is an essential virtue to living out a full and victorious kingdom life. Te Nature of Integrity Integrity involves more tan reputation. Wat oter people tink about you makes up your reputation, but integrity consists of tat wic resides inside

179 Integrity 169 of you your tougts and your personal code of conduct (your values). Tis moral code guides and governs your decisions. A person of integrity fears and reveres God wile living autentically and according to is or er convictions. Integrity can be defined as being consistently onest and etical in your speec, attitudes, and actions witout compromising te trut. It means living consistently by your convictions wat you say and wat you do are te same ting. People of integrity are arder and arder to come by tese days. Or peraps tey ave always been ard to come by; in te Psalms we read, O Lord, wo may abide in Your tent? Wo may dwell on Your oly ill? He wo walks wit integrity, and works rigteousness, and speaks trut in is eart (Psalm 15:1 2). Integrity is about more tan rules. It is not a cecklist tat you can mark off. Integrity resides in te eart, for out of te eart flow te springs of life (see Proverbs 4:23). As parents, it would be a lot easier if we could someow legislate integrity in our cildren. Raising tem would be so muc simpler if we could someow create enoug rules to control teir decisions. But rules are not te essence of integrity. In fact, according to Paul, it s te law itself tat arouses witin us a temptation to break it (see Romans 7). Raising kingdom kids goes deeper tan managing ow muc time tey spend texting on teir smartpones, surfing te Internet, or spending time wit teir friends. It s more tan coosing teir wardrobe or deciding at wat age tey can wear makeup. Raising kingdom kids involves instilling an integrity deep witin tem so tat your cildren are equipped to discern personal limits, standards, and boundaries for temselves in alignment wit God s will. Keep in mind tat wen your cild grows up and leaves ome, tere won t be anyone tere to make and enforce te rules e or se needs to live a productive and personally responsible life. Far too often, kids wo ave been igly seltered, protected, or managed don t know wat to do witout external rules. Sometimes tat leads to rebellion. Sometimes it leads to a mismanagement of time and resources at an age wen it is very costly to do so. Parenting troug imposing and empasizing rules rater tan instilling integrity in your cildren as anoter downfall: A false security and pride can

180 170 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS develop from keeping te rules simply for te sake of keeping tem. After all, te Parisees were excellent at keeping rules, yet Crist was not impressed. He was more interested in tem cleaning te inside of te cup rater tan te outside (Mattew 23:26). If te inside of te cup is clean, it will take care of te outside but not te reverse. In fact, as parents we can sometimes be fooled by ow te outside of our kids cups look. If you ave more tan one cild, you ave experienced te differences in personalities tat sow up between siblings. Wit some cildren, you know rigt away wen tey ave done someting wrong; it s obvious. But oter cildren migt be sneakier and look squeaky clean on te outside. Parents can easily get fooled and wind up not addressing a situation as tey ougt. Tis appened to us as parents from time to time, and one instance in particular involving our daugter, Priscilla, stands out te most to me. As Priscilla already mentioned in one of er sidebar pieces, er mout was te ting tat caused er te most trouble. Weter se was being disrespectful, talking too muc, or getting caugt lying er mout was te issue. Now, as many of you know, Priscilla is a very persuasive speaker so tere were times wen I would believe er rigt in te midst of a lie. One time I even went to er scool to complain to er teacer about someting Priscilla ad told us about anoter student in er class. I found out tat Priscilla ad made up te wole ting te oter student ad done noting wrong at all. Not only did I ave to go back and apologize to te teacer, I ad to apologize to te student and te student s family as well. I learned an important lesson tat day: Take te time to truly discern te eart of a matter. Integrity involves muc more tan outward actions it involves te eart. And it isn t always easy to recognize wen it s not tere. Te process of sanctification in our cildren te producing of spiritual growt, integrity, and godliness is a complicated and ongoing development. Far too often busy parents can be tempted to reduce concepts of fait and integrity to a manageable list of dos and don ts. But by focusing more on dos and don ts rater tan on te Lord Himself, te list itself can begin to eclipse God s proper place in your cild s eart. Te list becomes te god instead, wic certainly makes it easier to follow wen it s convenient as well as easier to rationalize away wen it s not.

181 Integrity 171 We live in a world were integrity as fallen by te wayside, but wen your cildren ave integrity, it will protect tem against irresponsibility, laziness, immorality, ceating, bullying, and many oter temptations. I often compare integrity to going troug security at te airport. Te security equipment senses weter or not we ave metals in our pockets or idden on our persons. Yet tat equipment must be programmed by someone wo decides te proper sensitivity level. Some monitors easily pick up metals sending a warning signal for keys and watces, wile oters rarely pick up anyting at all. Programming security equipment is akin to setting your cildren s conscience. By instilling te virtue of integrity, you provide your cildren wit a eigtened sensitivity to te tings in tis world tat grieve God so teir consciences enable tem to live oly lives. Daniel and His Lions One of te greatest examples of integrity in Scripture comes to us troug te life of Daniel. You ll remember from te first part of tis book tat Daniel ad been taken captive in Jerusalem and sent to Babylon, were e was brougt up in a secular environment. It s important to point out to your cildren tat Daniel maintained is integrity in an environment tat lacked it. In fact, te Bible mentions many people wo also did tis, suc as Josep, Ester, and Rut. Tey did not succumb to te world s invitation to join tem in compromise. It seemed good to Darius to appoint 120 satraps over te kingdom, tat tey would be in carge of te wole kingdom, and over tem tree commissioners (of wom Daniel was one), tat tese satraps migt be accountable to tem, and tat te king migt not suffer loss. Ten tis Daniel began distinguising imself among te commissioners and satraps because e possessed an extraordinary spirit, and te king planned to appoint im over te entire kingdom. (Daniel 6:1 3) By now Daniel was no longer a teen, and e ad been working in a secular governmental environment. Te 120 satraps were appointed to look out for te king s interests. Tey were divided into groups of tree, eac group wit a

182 172 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS commissioner over it. Basically tis was an organizational structure for running te kingdom and protecting te king. Because of Daniel s extraordinary spirit, te king ultimately ad plans to appoint im over everyting. In a matter of years, Daniel rose to te top. He ad performed is jobs well, carried out is tasks exceptionally, managed is projects efficiently, and none of tis ad gone unnoticed. But as is often te case wen someone rises to te top, Daniel s favor created jealousy among te oter leaders in te land, and tey sougt a way to accuse im someow. After an exaustive searc, toug, tey realized tat tey could not find anyting at all. No lack of integrity sowed up in Daniel s work, no matter ow deep is enemies dug (see verse 4). Daniel s work stood te test of scrutiny in te discarge of is duty, as well as te attitude in wic it was done. In oter words, Daniel possessed integrity. Next is enemies sougt to trap im instead. Tey tried to create a curc-andstate conflict wereby te government would make it illegal for Daniel to carry out a certain law of God. Te first ting I find interesting about Daniel s story is tat e possessed so muc integrity tat is enemies realized te only ting tey could use against im was tat very integrity. Tey assumed tat, if tey made a law against te laws of Daniel s God, Daniel would ave enoug integrity to still obey is God. Tey most likely remembered Daniel standing up against te Babylonian leaders wen e was asked to eat te king s food as a yout. So, based on is integrity, tey came up wit a sceme to oust Daniel: Ten tese commissioners and satraps came by agreement to te king and spoke to im as follows: King Darius, live forever! All te commissioners of te kingdom, te prefects and te satraps, te ig officials and te governors ave consulted togeter tat te king sould establis a statute and enforce an injunction tat anyone wo makes a petition to any god or man besides you, O king, for tirty days sall be cast into te lions den. (Daniel 6:6 7) Tis new law presented a spiritual conflict for Daniel: te Bible was clear on sowing onor to oters, but it was also clear tat tere was only one

183 Integrity 173 true God. Daniel ad an employer, but tat employer was not equal to God. Daniel s employer stepped over te line wen e sougt to claim is worsip. Worsip was for God alone, and on tat principle, Daniel would not budge. Wat appened next is a key point tat I want you to catc as you raise your kids to ave integrity: Now wen Daniel knew tat te document was signed, e entered is ouse (now in is roof camber e ad windows opened toward Jerusalem); and e continued kneeling on is knees tree times a day, praying and giving tanks before is God (6:10). Te passage points out tat Daniel ad is window opened toward Jerusalem. Tere are two critical pieces of information in tat sort prase. First, it lets us know tat despite te risks involved, Daniel cose to follow God publicly. Daniel didn t let fear of tose in powerful positions cause im to ide is fear and reverence for te One wo sits in te most powerful position of all. Second, we see tat Daniel kept is window open toward ome. Jerusalem ad been Daniel s ome. It was were is parents ad raised im, te place were e ad first learned about God and ad grown up as a young boy of caracter and integrity. By opening is window toward Jerusalem, Daniel ad a continual reminder tat te place were e lived was not te place were e was from. Te place were e worked was not te place of is roots. Te promises of God and te power of God originated from is ome, so wile Daniel may ave lived in a foreign land, is mind was still at ome. Parents, as you raise Daniel ad a continual reminder tat te place were e lived was not te place were e was from. your kids and instill godly virtues witin tem, you are doing tis so tat wen tey are grown and move out on teir own into te secular environment we call our contemporary culture, tey will always remember ome. Teir window will be opened toward ome. Tey will not lose sigt of te values, principles, and precepts tey learned tere. In addition to Daniel praying publicly wile facing Jerusalem, te passage also lets us know tat e did it tree times a day. Tis was Daniel s abit. Tis

184 174 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS wasn t simply a fleeting tougt toward eaven as e went about is plans. No, tis was a position of concentrated, focused, and consistent prayer, demonstrating tat God was at te center of is life. No wonder te oter leaders in te country despised im. He ad risen to te top by gaining te king s trust. And by is beavior and work etic, tey didn t see im losing tat trust anytime soon, so tey trapped im. Yet Daniel cose to trust God in te trap. And despite te king s love for Daniel (verse 14), e was unable to spare im from te punisment for breaking is law. Into te lions den Daniel went. You know te story. God closed te mouts of te lions and te next morning tis is wat appened: Te king arose at dawn, at te break of day, and went in aste to te lions den. Wen e ad come near te den to Daniel, e cried out wit a troubled voice. Te king spoke and said to Daniel, Daniel, servant of te living God, as your God, wom you constantly serve, been able to deliver you from te lions? Ten Daniel spoke to te king, O king, live forever! My God sent His angel and sut te lions mouts and tey ave not armed me, inasmuc as I was found innocent before Him; and also toward you, O king, I ave committed no crime. Ten te king was very pleased and gave orders for Daniel to be taken up out of te den. (Daniel 6:19 23) Not only did te king ave Daniel taken out of te den, but e ad Daniel s enemies trown into te lions den as God can take your enemies and make tem your footstool wen your life aligns under Him. well. And tis time God did not close te lions mouts. God can take your enemies and make tem your footstool wen your life aligns under Him. I believe God never allows integrity to go overlooked. It may seem to be overlooked at te moment, but He will make a way for it to be brougt to ligt or rewarded, even if tat s in eaven. It is God wo raises up or puts down kings. Tis reality needs to

185 Integrity 175 stand at te eart of your cild s integrity tis ultimate trust tat God is teir source. Everyone else is just a resource. Weter tat resource is providing tem wit entertainment, friendsips, a job, or watever teac your cildren te principle tat teir needs will be met wen tey look to God and obey Him rater tan man. Wen your cildren grow up, God may coose to place tem in a Babylonian environment. Tey may face pressure on te job to compromise teir values. But wile teir job migt pay tem, teir job does not own God is teir source. Everyone else is just a resource. tem tey are owned by a bigger corporate entity called te kingdom of God. All troug te Bible God ad people tucked away in evil environments. He ad a Daniel in evil Babylon, a Moses in evil Egypt, an Ester in evil Persia. He ad men and women all trougout te Bible idden away in order to rise up at just te rigt moment for eternal purposes. Meeting te Standard by Jonatan Evans Wile I was growing up, my favorite sport was most definitely basketball. I was caugt up in being like Mike, just like everybody else at te time wo loved to play te game. And even toug I wasn t as good as Micael Jordan, I definitely was pretty atletic and did well at te game. In fact, te first time I dunked a basketball I was only eleven years old. If you ave a ard time believing tis, my fater probably was tinking te same ting wen I ran into is office and souted, I dunked, I dunked come to te gym wit me, Dad, so I can sow you! He knew I was pretty good at te game, but just like you e was very skeptical. I finally convinced im tat wat I was saying was true, so e got up and followed me to te gymnasium to see tis incredible feat. Wen we got inside te gym, I grabbed te basketball and told my dad to stand back. I vividly remember starting just above te tree-point line

186 176 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS to start my race toward te basket. I took a deep breat and ten took off toward te basket. As I got close I put everyting I ad into leaping up as ig as I could, and in te blink of an eye, BOOM! at eleven years old I dunked wit autority. I was extremely excited about wat I ad accomplised in front of my fater. However, wen I looked at my fater, e didn t seem to be quite as impressed as I tougt e would be. He suddenly left te gym and came back a few seconds later wit te ead custodian and kindly asked im to raise te oop from six feet to ten feet. Ten e looked at me and said, Son, don t be satisfied tat you dunked at six feet, because tat s not te standard. Wen you re ready to dunk at ten feet, wic is te standard for professional basketball, come get me, because ten I ll be ready to watc. I learned a valuable lesson tat day: Just because you dunked doesn t mean you ve met te standard. Many people tink tey re doing well just because tey re dunking at a cultural standard. However, living biblically and living culturally are two totally different levels of living. Just because te culture agrees wit you doesn t mean tat God does. Just because te culture applauds you doesn t mean tat God does. As in te gym tat day, my fater and moter often impressed upon my siblings and me tat even toug we live in te culture, te culture is not te standard. However, if your goal is to make your eavenly Fater proud, you must raise te goal and dunk at a biblical standard even in a pagan culture. Give your cildren a gift greater tan simply te ability to follow te rules you ve set for tem. Develop in tem a eart of integrity tat will follow tem into adultood, enabling tem to apply God s principles to watever setting tey are in. Raise tem so teir window will always be open toward ome.

187 13 FAITH I ll never forget te autumn day a few decades ago wen we drove our oldest daugter, Crystal, and a car full of er belongings to college. I know se was officially an adult at te time, but I still saw a young girl wen I glanced at er in te rearview mirror as we drove. In many ways, it was exciting to see Crystal transition into te independent life se ad worked so ard to acieve, but it also gave me pause for a great deal of tougt. Is se really ready for all of tis? I wondered. Have we prepared er to be on er own? Will se make wise coices? Is te fait we ave passed on to er strong enoug to see er troug any callenges and trials aead? Te answers to all of tose questions, and more, would come soon enoug. Some of te answers were good; some were not. But more tan anyting else I ve ever experienced, watcing Crystal ead out into er adult life underscored for me te utmost importance of instilling a living and strong fait in eac of our cildren, as well as in our grandcildren. Kingdom parent, once your cildren leave te nest, you will ave only a limited effect on wat appens to tem outside of offering advice, counsel, and assistance along te way. Terefore, one of te most important tings you can do as a parent is to give your cildren teir own fait teir own ability to go to God during trials and successes and learn ow to andle life s situations well. Crystal writes about tis in te book we coautored, Kingdom Woman, but I wanted to sare it ere as well because it meant so muc to me. Crystal faced some pretty steep callenges as a young adult, and er fait was being

188 178 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS tested on several fronts. Se was a single moter, yet se was still in college, finances were difficult, time was tigt, and er self-esteem ad taken a pretty severe beating. On er own initiative, se wrote down some scriptures about ow God felt about er. Se didn t tell anyone about tis at first; se just stuck tem in a place were se could pull tem out trougout te day and read tem. Se did tis in order to remind erself wo se was in Crist Jesus. Over time, tese scriptures brougt Crystal back to a place of confidence in er position as a cild of te King. I couldn t ave been more proud of Crystal wen I saw ow se turned to er fait in God even wen tat fait was at an all-time low to pull er back up and set er on solid ground spiritually over te course of tose few years. As a parent, you can t make decisions for your cildren, even toug you migt often wis you could. Sometimes tey will coose wisely, and sometimes tey will coose poorly. Unfortunately, tose poor coices will often bring unexpected and unwanted consequences tey ll need to wrestle wit. Wen tat appens, you can only ope tat your cildren will return to te Lord, at watever level of fait tey ave, and Wen mistakes or sins and teir accompanying consequences come, your kids will turn to teir fait at watever level tey can to see tem troug. rely on God to see tem troug. Crystal will tell you now tat se didn t necessarily feel like te scripture verses se wrote down were true in er life. But se ad been taugt growing up tat God s Word was someting you could rely on. Se ad been taugt to trust in it. So, in fait, se determined to put God s trut in er eart on a daily basis in opes tat it would eventually take root and bear fruit wic it did. Knowing tat se did tis during er deepest our of need makes my eart full wit bot deligt and satisfaction. Wat more could a fater ope for tan for is daugter s fait to be real during te trials and mistakes of life?

189 Fait 179 None of us will raise perfect cildren. We all ave tat in common. Tere is one ting every single parent will face standing by wile your cild makes a mistake or a poor decision. Tis is simply because no uman being is perfect. But wat you can do as a parent is raise your cild in suc a way tat wen tose mistakes or sins and teir accompanying consequences come, tey will turn to teir fait at watever level tey can to see tem troug. Tis will produce an even greater level of spiritual growt in tem as tey mature. Lessons in te Dark I was born up nort in Baltimore, Maryland, but Lois and I moved to Dallas so tat I could attend seminary in te 1970s, and wen we did, I discovered someting I loved about Dallas te eat. Anoter great ting about Dallas is te immensity of te Texas sky. Sometimes it seems as if you can look straigt into eternity wen you look at tat sky. An interesting ting appened one nigt as I looked at te sky around dusk. I saw one lone star in te enormous expanse, wile te rest of te sky appeared empty. It was probably a planet. A few minutes later, I looked again. Tis time te sky ad gotten a little darker, and so I saw a couple more stars. A few minutes later, I looked again. Even more were visible now. Te stars reminded me of a spiritual trut tat relates to raising kingdom kids wit a living fait: All te stars were already in place wen I looked up tat very first time. I just couldn t see tem. My eyes didn t recognize tem earlier, even toug tey ad been tere all along. It wasn t until te darkness settled in around me tat I could see te stars clearly. In te kingdom life, sometimes our greatest lessons of fait are learned in te dark. In our own dark. As parents, we wis our cildren could learn teir lessons troug te dark trials we ave faced. We tell tem tings like, Learn from my mistakes. But more often tan not, eac of us must learn our lessons on our own. Sometimes tis is brougt about by poor decisions we make, but oter times it is te and of God allowing difficulties in our lives tat are not te result of anyting we ve done but simply designed to strengten our fait.

190 180 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Te Virtue of Fait by Antony Evans Jr. My fait was born out of watcing my dad and mom follow te Lord. However, tere was a time wen I ad to realize tat God doesn t ave grandkids. Wen I went to college, for te first time I became aware of te reality tat my fait and my parents fait were not synonymous. I found I ad many questions about wat I believed for myself. As te questions continued to come, my fait struggle grew, so muc so tat I no longer wanted to be at a Cristian college. I dropped out for a semester to figure out wat I wanted to do wit my spiritual life. Full of turmoil, I wrestled wit depression for monts. I couldn t fatom tat everyting my life ad been built on could possibly be someting I no longer believed in. During tis time of intense questioning, I inundated my fater wit pone calls. On one occasion e told me to read Psalm 128. I will never forget trying to internalize tis passage for myself but only being able to tink about ow true tis was for my grandfaters and fater: Blessed is everyone wo fears te Lord... Your wife will be like a fruitful vine witin your ouse (Psalm 128:1, 3). I tougt about ow my grandfaters and my fater s fait in te Lord allowed tem to see te promises in tis psalm. I ad watced tem operate based on te trut of tis passage. My dad frequently said, Fait is acting like God is telling te trut. It is acting like it is so, even if it is not so, in order tat it migt be so, simply because God said so. (He s a master at tose catcy concepts!) I, on te oter and, defined fait by my feelings, and tat s wy I was aving suc a ard time. Being able to see a fait tat wasn t defined by emotions allowed me to start trusting, believing, and standing on my own two spiritual feet. My encouragement to you is to create an environment were your cildren can see you exercising your fait and in turn experience te ripple effect of te promises of God. Ten, as tey grow and start teir own spiritual journey, tey will not only ave your words tey will ave your actual experience to lean on.

191 Fait 181 I often ear people say (maybe you ave even said tis yourself), God will not put more on me tan I can bear. Let me debunk tat myt rigt now wit a look at te life of Paul. In 2 Corintians 1:8, Paul wrote, For we do not want you to be unaware, bretren, of our affliction... tat we were burdened excessively, beyond our strengt, so tat we despaired even of life. If ever tere was a opeless situation, Paul was in it. Paul adn t done anyting to cause it. In fact, e ad followed God s leading straigt into it. And yet e writes tat e was burdened excessively beyond is strengt. In fact, e wrote tat e despaired even of life. God sometimes allows situations in life to appear opeless because He wants to break us of our self-sufficiency and direct our focus onto Him. He sometimes lets us it rock-bottom so we can discover tat He is te Rock at te bottom. He allows tese situations because He is after a greater good. He is trying to increase our fait. Some people may feel like giving up at tat time because tey can t seem to fix He sometimes lets us it rock bottom so we can discover tat He is te Rock at te bottom. te situation tat tey are in, and no one tey know can fix it eiter. All of te uman resources ave been depleted. But it is precisely tose times tat Paul spoke about wen e revealed a key principle about fait in is next statement: We ad te sentence of deat witin ourselves so tat we would not trust in ourselves, but in God... He on wom we ave set our ope (2 Corintians 1:9 10, empasis added). In order to take Paul deeper in is fait, God allowed a situation tat is résumé, abilities, background, upbringing, and connections could not cange. Wy? So tat Paul would grow in is fait and learn to trust God at a deeper level. Was God being mean or cruel? It migt ave felt tat way, but wat He was really doing was trying to take Paul deeper. Ultimately it was in tat opeless scenario were Paul saw no way up, over, or out tat God someow delivered im. He restored a opeless situation, and because Paul experienced it, God became even more real to im at a level e ad not known before.

192 182 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Tis is not to say tat, as parents, we look for situations to create darkness in our cildren s lives. But te greatest gift you can give your cildren is a living fait so tat wen tose dark times come in te world you ave tribulation (Jon 16:33) eiter because of teir own wrong coices or simply because God is seeking to grow and develop tem, tey will ave te tools necessary to look to God and endure, rater tan merely seek to escape. To a large degree, living a victorious kingdom life comes down to ow you learn to view life s situations troug te lens of God s Word. It s all a matter of perspective. Te clarity of your vision makes all of te difference. Will your cildren see te darkness, or will your cildren see te stars? Will tey seek to live by teir own ligts, tus sort-circuiting te lessons of fait and obedience God is teacing tem? Remember, even te sinless Son of God grew spiritually in His umanity troug te tings He suffered. Sure, Crystal s fait wasn t at an all-time ig wen se penned tose verses and carried tem wit er. But it takes fait only te size of a mustard seed to get tat mountain moving. Se knew enoug to look for God in te midst of a dark situation. As a result, te Lord saw in er fait tat His trut would make a difference in er life, and He saw er pull tat paper out time and time again to read tose verses. God ten rewarded er actions by allowing His Word to take root and grow into someting great witin er. Te Race Te book of Hebrews is one of te most callenging books in te Bible, but it also teaces us some of te greatest lessons on fait. Tere is so muc to discover about fait from tis book alone. In fact, as I write tis capter, I m preacing a sermon series on fait from te book of Hebrews at our curc, and it s a series tat will take a few monts to complete! Fait is so important to te kingdom life tat entire volumes ave been written on it. Before we close tis capter, I want to igligt some important principles you can take wit you as you seek to raise kingdom kids of fait. Give your cildren tese tools so tey will ave tem available wen tey learn teir own lessons in te dark. We re not positive wo te autor of te book of Hebrews was, but many

193 Fait 183 believe it was te apostle Paul. Paul seemed to ave a fondness for communicating wit atletic analogies, often using different sports situations to illustrate a spiritual trut. If you know me at all, ten you know tat Paul is a man after my own eart. I love seeing ow spiritual truts come to life troug sports. In Hebrews capter 12, we read one of te most powerful passages on fait, were te Cristian life is compared to running a race: Terefore, since we ave so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and te sin wic so easily entangles us, and let us run wit endurance te race tat is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, te autor and perfecter of fait, wo for te joy set before Him endured te cross, despising te same, and as sat down at te rigt and of te trone of God. (Hebrews 12:1 2) Wen te writer says tat we are to run wit endurance te race tat is set before us, e isn t talking about a 100-yard das. He isn t even talking about a lap around te track. Endurance implies tat tis is a long race more like a maraton. To run a maraton, an atlete needs training and conditioning to work up to te level were e or se can even finis te race. Witout te trial of training, tere will be no race. Raising kingdom kids wit a living fait means raising tem wit te perspective tat te Cristian life isn t a sort-term sprint. It isn t someting tat you can jump in and out of on Sunday and expect to live victoriously trougout te week. Kingdom living requires a day-in and day-out dependence on te caracter and attributes of God, as well as on His Word. First and foremost, a living fait must be a daily fait. If it is not a daily fait, wen te callenges of life come, your cild will be too out of sape to take te next step. Reading Scripture and memorizing Bible Raising kingdom kids wit a living fait means raising tem wit te perspective tat te Cristian life isn t a sort-term sprint. A living fait must be a daily fait.

194 184 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS verses in our ome wen te cildren were growing up was a daily part of our fait. By doing tis, we taugt tem tat Scripture is to be depended upon. We demonstrated to tem tat te Bible is important enoug tat we immerse ourselves in it regularly in te same way food is important enoug for our bodies tat we consume it regularly. Had te Bible simply been someting we opened on Sundays wen it came time for me to preac, we wouldn t ave been teacing our cildren tat kingdom life is a long-term commitment requiring ongoing exposure to God s Word. We would ave been setting tem up for a sprint wen in reality tey are eac called to Putting empasis on God s Word will opefully guide your cildren into teir own personal fait as tey mature into adultood in te years to come. run a maraton. As a result, wen Crystal came upon a time of personal crisis, se turned to wat se ad learned as a cild would be te most effective way for er to overcome te negative emotions and realities se was facing. Now tat our cildren ave cildren of teir own, I ve witnessed tem pass tis value down to our grandcildren. Every mont we ave a family lunc were all te cildren and grandcildren come togeter for a time of special bonding. Te grandcildren take turns climbing up on a cair (if tey are small) or simply standing in front of us and reciting te different Bible passages tey ave committed to memory over te previous mont. It is tis empasis on God s Word tat will opefully guide tem into teir own personal fait as tey mature into adultood in te years to come. Removing Encumbrances and Sin As I m writing tis book, te winter Olympics ave begun again for a time of global competition. One ting tat never fails to impress me about te Olympics is te pageantry of te opening ceremony. Atletes from te participating countries take part in a parade wearing colorful, sometimes elaborate, costumes.

195 Fait 185 But wen it comes time for tem to compete, tere is a noticeable cange in teir wardrobe. Jackets ave been discarded. Skirts ave been replaced wit sorts. Flags ave been rolled up, and ats ave been stored away. Wy? Because pageantry and props ave never elped anyone win a race. Rater, tey are an encumbrance someting keeping te atlete from moving forward at te fastest possible speed. Encumbrances come in te kingdom life as well. One of te most critical tings we need to teac our cildren is ow to recognize tem. So muc of life is often wasted simply because we re tied up in distractions and encumbrances. Peraps it is te wrong crowd a group tat seeks to bring about a negative influence or an ungodly lifestyle. Or it could be te encumbrances of past urts or abits tat paralyze your cildren s minds via a wrong tougt pattern. Oter encumbrances may not seem like encumbrances at all because tey are fun tings like television, movies, tablets, and electronics. Wile tere is noting wrong wit tose tings in and of temselves, tey can become an encumbrance wen tey begin to dictate your cildren s tougt life or dominate teir time. Tere needs to be a balance between entertainment and personal responsibility and personal spiritual growt. Tere is a simple scriptural prescription for dealing wit encumbrances tat you can teac your cildren. Hebrews 12:1 says to lay tem aside. It doesn t say to pray about tem, talk about tem, or figure out a way to work tings out. Wen someting is recognized as an encumbrance olding your cildren back from experiencing te full destiny God as for tem tey are to lay it aside. It s as simple as tat. Many tings can be considered encumbrances, and eac needs to be dealt wit in its own way and to watever degree it proves to be a negative influence on your cildren s tougts and time. Now, as we progress troug te passage we read earlier in Hebrews, you ll notice tat wile te autor mentions a multitude of encumbrances, e mentions only one sin. Since only one sin is discussed, it is safe to assume tat te writer is referring to te sin tat stands at te root of all oter sins te sin of unbelief. Unbelief a lack of fait gives rise to all te oter sins we commit. Wen we ave fait and take God at His Word, we trust and obey Him, wic keeps us from sin, for watever is not from fait is sin (Romans 14:23).

196 186 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS It s like te college student wo decided to do is laundry for te first time. He gatered all is dirty clotes and wrapped tem up in is bedseet. Since everyting needed wasing, e trew te entire bundle in te wasing macine, only to discover later on tat e ad a clean seet, but e also still ad some dirty clotes. Te clotes adn t come clean because tey were entangled in te seet. Sow me your cildren s fait, and I ll sow you teir future. Te sin of unbelief entangles everyting else in a person s life as well. Tat s wy it is so important to train your cildren to ave a living fait. It is important to train tem to recognize te critical nature of trusting God, believing His Word, and committing teir tougts, words, and actions to Him in te realities of daily life. Tis fait will be te bedrock for teir future. Sow me your cildren s fait, and I ll sow you teir future. Fait is acting like God is telling te trut. It is taking Him at His Word. Fait is acting like someting is so even toug it is not so in order for it to be so simply because God said so. Teac and model before your cildren tat trut, and you will ave positioned tem for a victorious kingdom life.

197 14 RESILIENCY Wen I was a young boy, we weren t allowed to watc muc television in te ome. On top of tat, tere really wasn t a large amount of television programming tat appealed to me at tat age. It was te 1950s, and radio served as our main source of entertainment. Witout fail, my parents would listen to different preacers trougout te day, as well as music from time to time. I m sure my love for preacing developed from my parents insistence on aving us listen to it on a regular basis. Tey were discipling my siblings and me in a way tat would give us an ongoing tirst and unger for God s Word. I clearly remember, toug, tat occasionally a radio sow would be interrupted by te announcement tat te station was going to test te emergency broadcasting system, followed by a loud and very annoying noise tat lasted for up to a minute. I used to ate tose tests because tey always seemed to come at te worst time, just wen I didn t want te programming interrupted. And since tere was never any advance warning tat te test was coming, tere wasn t any way you could avoid it. Te station just broke in and did its test. Sometimes trials are like tat. Tey come wit no warning. Tey also come at te worst possible time. Tey are noisy, annoying, and always seem way too long. Tere s noting to warn you tat a test like tis is on its way. I m sure as a parent you ve gone troug your own trials and tests. And wile tat may be difficult for you, it can often be even more difficult to stand by and watc your cildren go troug a test of teir own, especially wen you can t fix it for tem. A kingdom virtue tat every cild needs wen it comes

198 188 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS to successfully navigating life s trials is resiliency. Wile tenacity is te determination and ability to persevere troug trials in suc a way tat te full manifestation of God s purpose is realized in life, resiliency is te ability to get on te front end of tese callenges by cultivating strengts to face tem wen tey first appear. I know te importance of resiliency firstand as I ve seen my cildren go troug teir own trials from time to time weter it s a trial tey brougt on temselves due to poor coices or a trial simply because life is often callenging. It s easy for kids to want to quit or trow in te towel, but our role as teir parents is to encourage tem to old on and keep te fait. My fater s eart often wanted to rus in and relieve tem of teir Give tem te wisdom and te tools tey need to understand wat life s callenges are and ow to respond to tem. pain, but my mind and spirit reminded me tat tis was teir opportunity to develop resiliency. Wile trials may not be fun, our cildren often need tem just as we do in order to experience te full spiritual maturity tat will allow tem to live te abundant life. Tey need to learn ow to grieve, particularly wen tey experience losses in life. Tey also need to learn ow to forgive and be flexible in te face of unexpected cange. Tey need to learn ow to grow from teir mistakes, learn from tem, and move on. My best advice to you as you train your cildren in te virtue of resiliency is to give tem te wisdom and te tools tey need to understand wat life s callenges are and ow to respond to tem. Our eavenly Fater wants eac of us to pass our tests, and your cild is no exception. And like a good teacer, He doesn t mind retesting. Equipping your cild wit te spiritual insigt and strengt to overcome life s tests is beneficial, because te sooner your cild grows in watever area te test is aimed to strengten, te less often tey may ave to retake it. Let s review te nature and purpose of trials in tis capter so you ave wat you need to teac your cildren ow to bot view and approac tem.

199 Resiliency 189 Trials Are Unavoidable We see trougout Scripture tat trials are an inevitable reality in life, and we read imperatives like Consider it all joy, my bretren, wen you encounter various trials (James 1:2). Notice te Bible does not say if you encounter trials; it talks instead about wen tey come. Trials are inescapable. Job said, Man is born for trouble, as sparks fly upward (5:7). Te only way to exit trouble is to exit life. Jesus said, In te world you ave tribulation (Jon 16:33); you can count on it. One of te worst tings a parent can do in raising a cild is to sield im or er from every struggle, especially early on wen te consequences and dept of tose struggles are limited. I would muc rater ave a cild of mine learn life s lessons in te controlled context of elementary scool tan in te caos tat can occur wen e or se becomes a teen. Wen I was in junior ig, I stole a cinnamon roll from te cafeteria line. It s my only recollection of stealing anyting. I can t say tat I was starving or needed it in any way. It just looked good and I wanted it, so I took it. Fortunately, one of te cafeteria workers saw wat I did. I say fortunately because I m grateful to ave learned a lesson on stealing in tis manner rater tan by soplifting as an older teen and possibly spending some time down at te police station. Wen te cafeteria worker saw wat I did, se came straigt over to me and told me tat se ad seen wat I ad done. My face grew ot wit guilt, and I could picture myself in te basement standing in front of my fater wo was about to make me remember never to do tat again. But instead, se could see tat I was truly sorry for wat I ad done, and se realized tat getting caugt by er was causing me enoug pain to learn my lesson. Se told me never to do it again, and I didn t. Had se looked te oter way and cosen not to go troug te difficulty of confronting me, I would ave learned tat I could get away wit tings like tat, and peraps I would ave done it again, and again until te consequences were more severe. But because se lovingly corrected me and allowed me to experience te pain and embarrassment of tat situation as well as te

200 190 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS fear of possibly aving to face my fater if se ad cosen to tell im I grew troug tat experience. Far too often, as parents we want to relieve our cildren of pain, so we overlook prime teacing opportunities by failing to confront tem. But keeping tem from life s realities making teir lives too comfortable simply sets tem up to experience greater trials as tey get older. Ultimately tey will need to learn te lessons tat come from living in a less-tan-perfect world. Weter tese are lessons from teir own wrong coices (like mine wit te cinnamon roll) or weter tey are lessons about te difficulties of life regardless of weter tey deserve tose difficulties or not tese are truts tat we all must learn if we are to overcome trials, put te past beind us, and move on. My story of te cinnamon roll is an example of a small trial. But in our family we ave ad our fair sare of large callenges as well. Wile I was still young in te ministry, our older daugter, Crystal, called us from college to tell us se was pregnant. Se was not married, and I ll never forget te utter feeling of disappointment and failure tat flooded my emotions. Tougts of stepping down from te pastorate flased troug my ead as I considered ow I would tell our congregation. I soon realized tat most of wat I was tinking revolved around ow I felt oter people would view our family rater tan ow God wanted us to respond to tis situation. It wasn t until my assistant pastor encouraged me to look to God for ow He wanted all of us to grow troug tis tat my focus canged. Tat year was a difficult one for us as we worked troug various emotions, but ultimately God used tat time to teac us a great deal about compassion, grace, forgiveness, and flexibility. Tese are lessons we could ten sare more fully wit te oter members of our ome, as well as wit our congregation. Te Reason for Trials Tere is a reason for trials. God is very open about wy He puts tem in our pat. How you respond to te trials in your life models to your cildren ow tey are to respond to teir own trials. If you are constantly complaining, blaming oters, or feeling sorry for yourself, you are sowing your cildren tat you do not trust in te sovereign and of God. You are teacing tem tat tere is no reason for trials.

201 Resiliency 191 Tenacity by Crystal Evans Hurst I used to sneak out of my room at nigt and tiptoe quietly to te kitcen table were I d be sure to find my dad wit is books open studying. Many times e d be preparing for te Sunday sermon. Oter times e studied for scool. He finised up is doctorate wen I was ten years old, wic means I spent te first alf of my cildood watcing im balance quite a load. Wit a growing family, a growing local curc, and a growing national ministry, I witnessed my dad work ard. I learned wat tenacity looked like by watcing im. I ve also watced my moter wear many ats. Se always juggled many responsibilities over te years, and se looked good wile doing it, too! I know now tat keeping up wit a busy usband and four active kids was no easy task. I know now tat keeping our ome wile working in ministry or being in te workplace was probably exausting. But se did it. My moter was and is an immaculate ousekeeper. Our ouse, wile furnised comfortably enoug for us to feel at ome, was also managed well enoug for people to drop by and wonder ow se kept it all togeter. One morning, I vividly recall my moter coming into Priscilla s and my room to make our beds. Se was crying. To tis day, I don t know wat caused tose tears. But ere s wat I do know. Se was making my bed. Se wasn t in er own bed, under te covers, watcing soap operas and eating bonbons. Se was working diligently despite a difficult moment. And I now know tat moterood, marriage, and ministry ave te potential for lots of difficult moments. I witnessed my mom work ard. I learned wat tenacity looked like by watcing er. My prayer is tat my cildren see me pressing troug difficult times wit te same tenacity my parents ave. Doing ard tings and continuing despite cloudy days is wat lives wort living are made of. I ve ad my fair sare of roug roads, but wit te onset of trying terrain, my tendency is to keep going because tat s wat I observed my mom and dad do.

202 192 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Knowing tere is a reason for our trials is critical. If your cild is facing a trial and e or se cannot connect te experience wit biblical trut, your cild will be discouraged and overwelmed rater tan consider[ing] it all joy (James 1:2). Tat joy comes wen, in te midst of trials, your cild realizes tat God is up to someting great wit im. And tat realization is te key to enduring and overcoming trials. Te problem is not so muc tat your cild will undergo trials te real problem is if your cild doesn t understand wy. God wants your cildren to know tat trials ave tree important purposes: to test teir fait, to increase teir tenacity, and to grow spiritually. Trials are designed to call fait to te witness stand to validate in experience wat a person declares as a believer. To Test Your Cildren s Fait Wen your cildren experience ard times, God is putting teir fait to te test. Anyone can say I love you to God wen tings are going well. But te test of tat love comes wen tings are rocky. Wen God allows trials to touc your cildren, He does so for a specific purpose. Trials test te eart and reveal wat is truly tere. Tey sow weter fait is young and still as a long way to grow, and tey reveal were tere as been growt already. Trials are designed to call fait to te witness stand to validate in experience wat a person declares as a believer. Te apostle Peter tells us tat you and your cild are protected by te power of God in terms of eternal salvation. But in te meantime, Peter says, you are distressed by various trials, so tat te proof of [your] fait... may be found to result in praise and glory and onor at te revelation of Jesus Crist (1 Peter 1:6 7). I m sure you remember wat it was like to be tested in scool. A good teacer tests students only on information tat as already been taugt. A good teacer also wants te students to pass te test. Tis doesn t mean tat

203 Resiliency 193 trials don t urt; tey do. One of te worst tings you can do to a cild wo is experiencing a trial is to minimize te reality of teir pain. Yes, te pain is real. Yes, it ougt to be validated. Overcoming a trial does not mean ignoring its presence. Te essence of overcoming a trial means accepting te pain, learning from it, and discovering ow to move on witout diminising one s fait. To Increase Your Cildren s Tenacity A second reason for trials is to increase your cild s tenacity (see James 1:3). Again, it s an issue of maturing teir fait. In Scripture, te word endurance is used. Tis word is comprised of two Greek words tat mean to remain under, or to stay put in a trial until its purpose as been accomplised. 1 Te Bible says we sould not run from trials. Instead we are to run in tem to develop our endurance and tenacity. Every so often, I get a painful, firstand lesson in te importance of tenacity during trials. Tis occurs wen I decide once again to start getting up early and going to te gym. I begin a weigtlifting program on te very first day curls, benc presses, te wole bit. Witout fail, twenty-four ours later, I am experiencing a trial! I can t walk easily. In fact, I ave sometimes been in so muc pain tat I ad to ave elp buttoning my sirt. I can assure you, wen I am in te first stages of tat trial, I often want to run from it. I want it to stop. But because I ave set my focus on te end goal, I remain in it even in te midst of te pain. I ll never forget te year wen my son Antony dropped out of college. I was immediately frustrated wen I sensed tat e was quitting rater tan simply wrestling troug some adjustments. Tere were times tat I didn t feel like talking wit Antony about is decision because I was too focused on my own disappointment. Tat s one way we run from a trial we simply avoid addressing it. In te end, toug, I ad to swallow my own concerns and replace tem wit an acknowledgment tat e needed me to walk im troug tis period in is life. In te beginning I tried to force im to stay in scool, but ad I stayed in tat mindset, I would ave not modeled flexibility and resiliency wen e did sit out a semester. In te trials of life, God will put weigts on your cild, but He will also say, Keep lifting. Don t quit, even toug it will urt for a wile. Even if your

204 194 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS cild puses pause on a project, a goal, or a decision in life try not to label it as quitting, but instead look for te way God migt be redirecting im or er. We often learn our greatest lessons in life during tese times of adjustment. Just as in lifting weigts, we sometimes ave to adjust our grip or position to lift better. And if you keep on lifting weigts, pretty soon you ll see spiritual muscles appear were only flab ad been before. God s goal for your cildren is tat tey migt become conformed to te image of His Son (Romans 8:29). To Grow Your Cildren Spiritually Wy does God test your cildren s fait in order to increase teir tenacity in trials? So tat endurance [can] ave its perfect result, so tat you may be perfect and complete, lacking in noting (James 1:4). God s goal for your cildren s trials is teir growt into spiritual adultood. Tat won t appen witout some pain and effort. Imagine a young person announcing, I want to be a doctor, but I don t want to spend all tose years in medical scool! We know tat s a ridiculous statement, but we often do te same wen it comes to trials. We try to avoid tem, and we distract ourselves from te pain rater tan embrace it and allow it to strengten our spiritual muscles. God wants to mature your cildren troug trials, not just make tem comfortable. He is too kind and too wise to allow your cildren to remain spiritually immature, wining wenever tings don t go teir way and demanding wat tey want wen tey want it. God s goal for your cildren is tat tey migt become conformed to te image of His Son (Romans 8:29). And He will not be satisfied until your cildren get tere. How to Respond to a Trial Wat is te best way to respond to a trial? James first says tat we are to respond wit joy (James 1:2). Now, doesn t tat sound a little far-fetced? How in te

205 Resiliency 195 world can a person be joyful if is or er world is falling apart? Tis is exactly te question your cildren will ask you wen you sit down to talk troug tis virtue wit tem. Te answer comes in understanding tat we cannot confuse joy wit appiness. Te Bible doesn t tell us to consider it all appiness wen we encounter trials. It says to consider it all as joy. Tere s a big difference. Happiness is triggered by circumstances. It describes tat warm and excited feeling you get inside wen everyting is going your way. If you were to and your cild a million dollars in cas, tere is no doubt tat e or se would feel appy. But te appiest person alive doesn t necessarily ave joy. Joy is more tan an emotion; it is a life-canging mindset. Joy is a deep, abiding sense of well-being tat can sustain your cild even if e or se were to lose tat million dollars. Te Declaration of Independence asserts our rigt to life, liberty, and te pursuit of appiness. But being free to pursue appiness is no guarantee tat we will find it. Finding it is no guarantee tat we will keep it. Keeping it is no guarantee tat we will appreciate it. Wy? Because emotions are transient, unpredictable, and undependable. God wants to give us more tan a reasonable facsimile of satisfaction. He wants us to ave joy. Wen trials come, teac your cildren to realize tat God is up to someting even greater. Help tem to see tat everyting must first pass troug God s and before reacing tem. Tere is noting tat appens to tem in life were God says, Oops, I didn t see tat one coming. If God allowed it, ten He as a purpose for it. Help your cildren to look for God s purpose in te pain His treasure in te trial. Tat doesn t mean teacing your cildren to avoid te pain or pretend tey are appy wen tey aren t. Scripture doesn t tell us to feel joyful during trials; rater, we are to consider tat trial as joy. Te Greek word for consider is actually a term used in accounting tat means to evaluate, or add it up. 2 Tat s wat James is asking eac of us to do during a trial. Te trial and te pain may not make sense on teir own, but we are to add it all up and evaluate it from an overall spiritual perspective and, in so doing, recognize tat good will come. We are meant to recognize tat tere is a greater purpose for everyting. Your cildren s outlook will determine teir outcome. Sowing tem tat a rigt response to a trial sometimes astens its ending is anoter way of teacing

206 196 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS tem to look at te greater good as being more valuable tan te temporary loss or pain. Tis joy is a decision, not an emotion. Wen we consider it joy in trials, it demonstrates our fait in God s sovereignty. Secondly, because life as pain and none of us can avoid it, it is important to know ow to approac tat pain so a root of bitterness (Hebrews 12:15) does not spring up and coke out te abundant life. Jesus is te great example ere. Te Bible says He endured te cross because He foresaw te joy of His resurrection, exaltation, and redemption of umanity (Hebrews 12:2). He wasn t appy about going to te cross. He prayed for His cup of suffering to pass if tere was any way it could. But He considered it all joy because He was accomplising His Fater s will by redeeming us from sin. Tink about a moter in labor wit er cild. Tere is plenty of pain, but tere is also plenty of joy. It s not a opeless pain because se is focused on te greater good tat will soon come. Similarly, God uses trials in our lives to bring us to a greater good. Wen we teac our cildren to keep teir eyes on Wen we teac our cildren to keep teir eyes on Crist and te ope of His glory and goodness, we are teacing tem ow to respond to life s pain. Crist and te ope of His glory and goodness, we are teacing tem ow to respond to life s pain. Anoter ting God instructs us to do in te face of trials is to ask for His elp. James tells us tat if we go to God for wisdom, He will freely and generously give it to us (1:5). Wat is te wisdom we need to ask God for? Wisdom to know ow to andle te trial. Teac your cildren to pray for God s wisdom but not alfeartedly. As James says, But e must ask in fait witout any doubting, for te one wo doubts is like te surf of te sea, driven and tossed by te wind. For tat man ougt not to expect tat e will receive anyting from te Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all is ways (1:6 8). Wisdom, as we ave already seen, is te ability to apply spiritual trut to life situations. A knowledgeable person as stored away a lot of information,

207 Resiliency 197 but a wise person knows ow to draw on tat information to apply it to life. God freely gives wisdom wen we ask. Trials Bring About a Perfect Result We read in James 1:4 tat trials produce endurance and endurance brings about God s intended result: And let endurance ave its perfect result, tat you may be perfect and complete, lacking in noting. One day a young boy discovered a cocoon in a backyard tree. He studied te cocoon carefully, seeking some sign of life. At last, several days later, te boy saw wat e ad been waiting for. Inside te filmy sell, a newly formed butterfly was struggling to get out. Filled wit compassion for te tiny creature, te boy used is pocketknife to enlarge te ole. Exausted, te butterfly tumbled out and lay tere. Wat te boy didn t know was tat te struggle to escape was designed to strengten te butterfly s muscle system and prepare it for fligt. His act of compassion ad inadvertently crippled and ultimately doomed te butterfly. Te nigt before He was crucified, Jesus prayed to His Fater, asking Him not to take us out of te world, but to keep us safe in te world. Te goal, Jesus realized, was not to steer us around trials, but to elp us navigate safely troug tem. Tat concept may seem troublesome to bot you as a parent and your cildren, because many of us ave te mistaken idea tat kingdom life sould be trial-free. But tat s just not true. Imagine a basketball player stumbling to te sidelines saying, Well, coac, I would ave scored. But every time I went up to make a sot, some guy from te oter team ad is and in front of my face. It doesn t take a veteran coac to arrive at an answer: Te guy from te oter team is supposed to ave is and in your face; tat s te way te game is played. It is is job to do everyting e can to prevent your success. In basketball, as in life, obstacles are inevitable. God understands tat te process of overcoming trials is just as important as te result. Tat s wy He sometimes elects not to deliver us from certain situations. I remember taking my son Antony to te doctor wen e was young. Wen te diagnosis was rendered, a sot was prescribed. No, Daddy, e yelled. Don t let im stick me! Tears welled up in is eyes. He couldn t

208 198 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS understand wy I was olding im down to get a painful sot. He tougt tat, as is fater, I was is deliverer. I was definitely bigger tan te doctor. Yet I allowed te doctor to give im te sot because I knew tat e needed tat sot to get well. God will do te same wit eac of us in a trial if He knows tat trial is producing a greater result. Knowing tis, one of te greatest gifts you can give your cild is te wisdom to understand te sovereignty of God and wat trials are all about. Remember, parents, in elping your cildren to grow troug teir trials, God may be simultaneously growing you as well.

209 15 PURITY To say tat God puts a very ig value on sexual purity is an understatement. Te reason so many people give sex away so easily is tat tey don t know ow valuable sexual purity is in God s eyes. Stuff you tink is ceap, you trow away. Stuff you tink is expensive, you old on to. A great tragedy today is tat, if your kids are in public scool, tey are most likely getting some armful, incorrect information about sex. Even if your scool does not dispense condoms, te safe sex mentality still permeates a lot of wat is taugt. And tis mentality often creeps into Cristian scools as well. It s definitely prevalent in mainstream entertainment. So weter you want to address tis topic wit your cildren or not, giving tem te tools to face tis callenge and maintain teir sexual purity is one of te most important tings you can give tem. You can t ignore it, because teir bodies won t ignore it, owever muc you wis tey would. Sex is a legitimate and lawful passion given to us by God. As your cildren become teenagers, tey will experience ormones tat God placed tere to serve His purposes of family, procreation, and pleasure at te appropriate time. Instead of pretending tis reality doesn t exist, pray wit and for your cildren tat tey will not be mastered by teir legitimate and lawful sexual desires. Sex is a part of our God-given DNA, but it was never designed to be our master. Sex is like a fire. Contained in te fireplace, a fire keeps everybody warm. Set te fire free, toug, and te wole ouse burns. You don t want te fire in your ouse to ave free rein. You want it contained so it can generate warmt but not destruction. Freedom does not mean doing watever we want to do.

210 200 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Freedom is doing wat we ougt to do and not doing wat we ougt not to do. Yes, Sex Is a Spiritual Issue Te body and te spirit are closely linked. For te Cristian, sex is a spiritual issue. A person cannot worsip God on Sunday and enter into sexual immorality on Monday and keep tose separate, because te body not just te spirit is for te Lord. In fact, anytime a Cristian engages in sexual activities, weter pysically or even mentally, Crist is rigt tere too. So is te Holy Spirit, and He is grieved. One of te first tings to teac your cildren regarding sexual purity is te primary reason beind it, wic is tat tey ave been bougt wit a very ig price te deat and blood of Jesus Crist. Tey no longer belong to temselves; now Jesus Crist owns tem. As a result, decisions tey make wit teir body weter it s piercings, substances tey consume, or sexual activity all sould be considered in ligt of weter or not it glorifies te One to wom tey belong. Paul wrote, For you ave been bougt wit a price: terefore glorify God in your body (1 Corintians 6:20). Tat s te bottom line question regarding multiple issues tat relate to te body, because te body is te temple of te Holy Spirit. In 1 Corintians 6:18, Paul underscores te spiritual nature of sex: Every oter sin tat a man commits is outside te body, but te immoral man sins against is own body. Sexual immorality is unlike any oter sin because its destructive nature leaves lasting damage in one s own body. Neiter drugs nor crime can compare to sex in its destructiveness because sexual sin carries its own built-in, self-deteriorating issues. Tis stems from te reality tat sex uniquely combines te pysical and te spiritual. Te act of sex means tat a spiritual relationsip as taken place, a covenantal bond, wic is designed to occur only witin marriage. So in an illegitimate spiritual relationsip (suc as premarital sex), wen one person backs out of it, e or se backs out wit spiritual as well as pysical and emotional scars. Oftentimes tese ten carry over into tat person s next relationsip, also

211 Purity 201 affecting is or er personal self-esteem wic ten impacts future decisions and dreams. Premarital sex robs yout of teir future in more ways tan just te risk of an unplanned pregnancy. It resapes te way tey tink about oters, temselves, and God. God places a great deal of value on virginity and sexual purity. Tis is not a message your cild will likely ear from is or er peers at scool. Because of tis, it is utterly important tat you get in front of tis area of temptation in is or er life by establising a kingdom mindset toward sexual purity early on. Sexual immorality is unlike any oter sin because its destructive nature leaves lasting damage in one s own body. Sexual purity involves more tan just staying away from te actual act of intercourse. In is letter to te curc at Corint, Paul addressed tis issue ead-on wen e wrote, It is good for a man not to touc a woman (1 Corintians 7:1). Te word touc means to ligt a fire, wic came to be understood as a eupemism for sexual passion. 1 Paul tells us tat it is good to not even ligt te fire. Te passionate love treatise found in te Song of Solomon speaks directly to te way to approac sexual purity wit our yout. Protection in te form of supervision is needed in order to maintain sexual purity; it just doesn t appen by cance. As parents, we ave to be intentional in tis area tat carries so muc potential to run wild. As te Song of Solomon puts it, We ave a little sister, and se as no breasts; wat sall we do for our sister on te day wen se is spoken for? If se is a wall, we will build on er a battlement of silver; but if se is a door, we will barricade er wit planks of cedar (8:8). Tese older siblings knew tat wen teir younger sister was spoken for, wen tat young man cose er as te object of is affection, te battle would begin. Tey spoke in terms of war and defense measures barricading and creating a battlement. Sexual purity is to be guarded at all costs because of its extreme value. God s idea is tat te sexual relationsip is to be preserved for one man

212 202 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS and one woman in te context of marriage. Sex is not a way to say tank you for a nice evening. Sex was not given for people to release tension or explore a obby. Sex is not just so people can feel good. God gave us sex to express a total commitment and covenantal surrender to anoter person. Teac your cildren to wait until God gives tem te person tey are to marry. Pray wit tem for tat person. Remind your cildren of teir value, purity, and esteem on a regular basis. Remember tat it is a very serious ting to unleas one s sexuality outside te safety of a lifelong, one-fles marriage. Sex Is Also a Cemical Issue Te sex act creates a covenantal and spiritual bond between two people and God. But sexual activity of any kind (not just intercourse) also creates a pysiological bond between two people. Sex doesn t necessarily take place in te bedroom. Rater, it takes place in te cemical connections occurring in te limbic portion of te brain. 2 Tere is a part of te brain called te diencepalon, wic contains two oter parts called te talamus and ypotalamus. Tis migt sound overly scientific, but witin tose areas of te brain, cemical reactions occur from te actions of viewing, earing, smelling, seeing, cuddling, and arousal at any level, and te reactions are even greater wen coupled wit attraction. Tis is a igly complex mixture of cemicals, designed by God to bring about an intended response witin our marriages. Tese cemicals are not contingent upon a marriage vow, owever; tey come about as a response to tese different activities. As you can see, tere is no suc ting as safe sex. All arousal, at any level, produces a response tat ten alters te patways of our brains. It can literally be called a cemical romance. In marriage, tis is all good. Outside of marriage, it s not. Tese cemical bonds can leave lasting scars, cravings, oles, and even symptoms of witdrawal. Tey can cause young adults to make impetuous decisions about marriage or getting engaged before tey are adequately ready and prepared. Deeper eartbreak often results wen a relationsip falls apart, sometimes leaving te residual effects of excruciating pain due to te cemical cementing witout commitment.

213 Purity 203 Te Key to a Holy Sex Life by Jonatan Evans Wen I was seventeen years old, my fater took me out for lunc so we could ave a serious, one-on-one conversation about purity. He wanted me to clearly understand God s expectations as I was getting closer to leaving ome and going off to college. He explained tat God as called me to sanctification to live and walk as one wo believes. He continued explaining tat God ad not called me to sexual immorality and tat impurity was te opposite of being sanctified. He told me tat God ad a world of living for me to access called godliness, but using te keys of impurity and immorality would not unlock tat world. Wen te conversation was over, e pulled out a little box and slid it across te table for me to open. Inside was a gold necklace wit a carm attaced to it in te sape of a key. My initial response was certainly tat of a typical seventeen year-old young man. Dad, tis necklace looks like it s for a girl do you really want me to wear tis? Fortunately for me, my dad responded by letting me know tat it was indeed for a girl. It s for te girl tat God as ordained for you to marry, e explained. He went on to reiterate to me tat te key represented access, and ad been designed for a specific lock. He explained tat tis key was to be given only to te woman tat I would marry; se would be te God-created lock for my key. He ended our lunc by saying, Take tis key and access te kingdom of godliness rater tan breaking into a world of impurity. Not waiting for te spouse waiting for you in God s kingdom is simply gaining access to a place were you re not welcome. Like a burglar, you may ave gotten in, but you won t be tere long, and tere are always consequences. Our culture as decided not to use te key of purity, and all tese unlawful break-ins ave caused caos in society today. Sexually-transmitted diseases, teenage pregnancies, single parenting, poverty, depression, suicide, and te breakdown of te family wic is te nucleus of te culture ave all been te result. In order to minimize te caos, we must first minimize te break-ins. It s time for us to teac te next generation te importance of te kingdom key of purity.

214 204 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Because cemicals are connected to te fluctuating ups and downs of broken relationsips, tey can be compared to stopping an addiction to eroin cold turkey. Te desire, attacment, and witdrawal cravings remain simply due to te cemical impression made on te brain. If te decision to stop using eroin remained, anoter addictive cemical-producer would be required to satiate te craving and numb te pain. Tus, a cycle of addictive beaviors, or te symptoms related to trying to stop addictive beaviors depression, confusion, and irritability would occur. In essence, eroin will ave made a lasting impression, or groove, in te brain tat doesn t go away simply because it is no longer around. A similar ting appens during premarital sexual activity. Pile up enoug pain from te cementing and tearing apart, and te result is countless teens turning to sex again to alleviate te pain or fill te emptiness, or resorting to oter forms of coping. Scientific studies ave enligtened us to te trut God s Word as taugt us all along. Wen accompanied by pysical attraction, tese cemicals can be produced troug someting as seemingly innocent as engaged eye contact or subtle toucing and ugs. Tis can be good wen appropriate. Oxytocin is a positive cemical God gave us to bring appiness and solidify connections in our lives and relationsips. 3 It is only wen ig levels of oxytocin are associated wit an illegitimate attacment wit someone outside of marriage tat tey become damaging, especially wen tat relationsip eiter ends or dissipates over time. Once tat cemical is present and cemented on te brain, it is difficult to forget it, dismiss it, or satisfy it legitimately. Wen Paul wrote to te citizens of Corint at te eigt of te moral and spiritual decay in tat society, it was as if e already knew about tese cemical bonds. He said, Or do you not know tat te one wo joins imself to a prostitute is one body wit er? (1 Corintians 6:16). Paul used te word join, wic in te original language means to glue togeter, cement. 4 Under te inspiration of te Holy Spirit, Paul s letter to te Corintians was as scientifically sound as any article or study in te most recent medical and psycological journals of our day. Sexual activity and te subsequent release of brain-imprinting, binding

215 Purity 205 cemicals literally glue or cement people togeter. Wen tose two people decide to part ways, a painful pysiological reality occurs primarily among females, wose limbic systems tat ouse tese cemical stores and grooves are generally larger tan tose of males. Wen suc a strong pysiological reaction occurs in te brain, stopping te action is a callenge. And once stopped, going back to it appens more easily and more frequently. We migt compare tis to removing an alcoolic s favorite brand of beer, but ten sending im back into a bar wit countless oter brands to coose from. Would e ave stopped drinking is favorite brand of beer? Yes. But would e ave te emotional, pysical, and spiritual tools necessary to turn down te opportunity to try a different brand? Probably not. I can t overempasize te importance for kingdom parents to elp teir cildren grasp te spiritual need for sexual purity. Tis is an area were an ounce of prevention will be wort a lot more tan just a pound of cure. God s teacing on te sacredness of sex and te essential nature of keeping te sexual relationsip pure, reserved for two married people joined by a covenantal commitment, is noting to take ligtly. Knowing ow deeply addictive and cementing te sexual relationsip is, God makes His warning clear: Flee immorality. Every oter sin tat a man commits is outside te body, but te immoral man sins against is own body (1 Corintians 6:18). We actually sin against our own brains, let alone against our own bodies in ligt of all te potential diseases and te damage tat can be done pysically or spiritually. Wen sex is kept sacred, it opens up te patway toward true intimacy and knowing. But wen sex is casually misused, it creates cemented bonds tat, wen broken, leave lingering symptoms of insecurity, pain, abandonment, disrespect for bot self and oters, and increased Marriage is God s only metod for safe sex. neediness for anoter attacment making personal relational boundaries less secure in future relationsips as well. In order to raise your kids according to te kingdom principle of sexual

216 206 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS purity, you must encourage tem to aim for te standard God as given us in His Word. Marriage is God s only metod for safe sex. Parents, don t let te culture provide your cildren s sex education. Rater, educate tem wit ageappropriate skills and te wisdom necessary to live victoriously in tis area of life.

217 16 SERVICE It s ard to find full-service gas stations anymore unless you are in te Pacific Nortwest; most stations trougout te US offer self-service only. I remember te days wen someone would come out to pump te gas, was te windows, and ceck te oil and te tires. Not anymore in fact, tese days you rarely see anyone at all. You just swipe your credit card, fill up your tank, and ead on your way. Unfortunately, wat is true for filling stations nowadays is also true for God s people in many ways. Instead of individuals coming to worsip service, tey now sow up to worsip selfis... because it s all about tem. Tey want te benefits and blessings of te kingdom witout investing and serving in te kingdom. Wile tere is noting wrong wit benefits or blessings in and of temselves, I find noting in te Bible tat says a blessing is ever to stop wit te one being blessed. A blessing is always meant to go troug not just to someone in order to benefit oters as well. Our kids are growing up in a me generation like never before. Social media and easy access to so many tings ave cultivated in tem a spirit tat seeks to be instantly gratified as if tat were normal. Many parents raise cildren wit te mindset tat everyone around tem is tere to serve tem. Returning to our Magic Kingdom metapor from te beginning of tis book, wen you walk into te Magic Kingdom, you are greeted wit ongoing smiles, employees elping you along te way, fun activities, tasty food, caracters dressed up in costumes waving and giving ugs and tese days many of our cildren tink all of life sould operate tat way.

218 208 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Far too many of our cildren ave been raised wit a distorted prince and princess mentality tat causes tem to believe tat te world in wic tey walk rotates around tem. Upon reacing adultood, toug, tey will receive a rude awakening. Not only does te real world not operate tat way, neiter does God s kingdom. We are royalty in A blessing is always meant to go troug not just to someone in order to benefit oters as well. God s kingdom, but His kingdom is not te Magic Kingdom in God s kingdom Crist as called us to roll up our sirtsleeves and serve. Te Jesus wo came to give us life abundantly is te same Jesus wo asks us to take up our cross, and do so daily. Service ougt to be a way of life a service mindset in bot you and your cildren because we were created to serve. We read in Epesians, For we are His workmansip, created in Crist Jesus for good works, wic God prepared beforeand so tat we would walk in tem (2:10). Good works involve actions or activities tat benefit oters wile bringing glory to God. Essentially, good works mean service. Weter tat service involves a one-time action suc as passing out additional Cristmas presents to needy families or giving te mailman a bottle of water wen e comes to your door in te summer, or weter it is a long-term commitment to te betterment of oters, all service matters to God. Wen service is bot a mindset and a virtue, your cildren will look for ways to serve on an ongoing basis trougout teir lives. In Galatians we read, For you were called to freedom, bretren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for te fles, but troug love serve one anoter (5:13). One way we express our identity in Crist is troug service. Te freedom Jesus purcased for us on te cross is meant to be te catalyst for our service. A non-serving Cristian is a contradiction. Wen your cildren reac a certain age, you expect tem to get a job. Up until ten, you are more tan appy to feed, clote, and buy tings for your cildren. After a certain age, toug, it s your cild s responsibility to get tose new clotes tey are wanting. Te same olds true for us as cildren of te

219 Service 209 King. Tere comes a time in our spiritual development and maturity wen we are expected to serve. We must become contributors to God s kingdom agenda rater tan merely takers. A non-serving believer cannot fully receive all God as in store for im. If it s all about im, God loses interest in continuing to bless im. Yes, He still loves im, but if e is not furtering God s program and plan, God will look for someone else to bless. God saves a sinner so tat sinner can ten serve. Wat would you do wit a refrigerator tat didn t feel like getting cold, or a stove tat didn t feel like getting ot, or a can opener tat didn t feel like opening any cans? You would probably Te freedom Jesus purcased for us on te cross is meant to be te catalyst for our service replace tem wit appliances tat would work te way tey were designed to work. You would ave to conclude tat te refrigerator, stove, and can opener simply didn t understand te reason wy tey ad been cosen to be in your kitcen. Cristmas. Cristmas Service by Priscilla Sirer Tat one word conjures up a flurry of nostalgia for te Evans family. My moter, wom we affectionately call Mrs. Claus during te mont of December, adores tis oliday. Se always as. Te turkey from Tanksgiving would barely ave been digested before se d begin planning and prepping for te merriest time of te year. And part of tat plan would leave an indelible imprint on my life, searing its life-lesson on my soul like a branding iron ot off te coals. We gave gifts at Cristmas. O, we got tem, too. Our tree id a good number of treats under its brances, waiting for us to rus in and open tem wen te morning

220 210 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS dawned on te twenty-fift. But before tat day, we d already delivered gifts to someone else s ome as well. We d taken Cristmas outside te walls of our own ouse. Every year, my parents sougt out a family wose cildren were similar in age to us wo needed elp wit te olidays. Togeter, we d purcase (or make) gifts, wrap tem, and ten go out to meet our new friends, spend time togeter, and sare te goodies. I remember it all so well, so clearly. As soon as we d ring te doorbell and walk across te tresold into teir ome, it was like unwrapping a gift of our own. Te eyes and countenance of te cildren would brigten, te soulders of te weary mom would relax, te strained temples of te exausted fater would ease, and te ome would pulse wit an excitement and peace tat bounded troug te air like electricity on a live wire. O, wat a joy it was! We walked away empty-anded but far from empty-earted. It was one of te best Cristmas presents any of us ever received, from ten until now. We received a generous eart toward oters. Te gift of giving. Te satisfaction of serving. And all because my parents made it a priority eac year to strategically plan tis family activity. We ve done te same ting in our own family so tat our cildren also can know tis unparalleled pleasure. Eac December I take te boys sopping. Tey lay teir too-long Cristmas lists aside and walk down te store aisles in searc of fulfilling someone else s wises. I don t do te sopping for tem lest I rob tem of te pure deligt tat spills into teir earts wen generosity dismantles te wall of self-centered ubris, brick by brick. Tey pray for te kids wose potos I tape to teir bedroom door as we consider wic gifts migt suit wic person. Tey pick out te gifts tey most desire, resisting te urge to keep te best ones for temselves. And ten tey go wit my usband and me to te family s ome, so tat tey can know te joy of giving during a season known for receiving. Te surrender of service. It s not just a Cristmas tradition. It s a kingdom family s legacy tat te generations never need to outgrow.

221 Service 211 Eac of us as a cild in te kingdom of God as been created wit a purpose, and tat purpose is to serve God. Yet far too many of us don t understand tat purpose. King David s epitap ougt to be te aim for eac one of us, including our cildren: For David, after e ad served te purpose of God in is own generation, fell asleep, and was laid among is faters (Acts 13:36). On te cross, Jesus Crist paid te price to purcase your cildren s salvation, but He didn t purcase it just so your cildren could sit, soak, and sour. Neiter did He purcase it for your cildren to simply be te recipients of His blessings. He purcased it so tat your cildren migt glorify Him in all tat tey do (see 1 Corintians 6:20). Like David, your cildren are called to do no less tan serve te purpose of God in teir own generation. Keep in mind tat eac of your cildren is called to serve te purpose of God in is or er life, not your purpose for tem. Instead of telling tem wat you tink tey sould be doing, elp tem to discover God s calling of service on teir lives. One of my greatest struggles and areas of failure as a fater was pusing my kids too ard, especially early on. I wanted tem to be involved in areas of te curc tat ad absolutely no interest to tem. For instance, a couple of my kids enjoyed te yout coir, but oters didn t. Forcing tem to participate created a frustration for tem rater tan a desire in tem to serve in te curc. Tankfully Lois elped me to recognize tis, and I learned not to cookie-cutter my kids into serving. Instead I sougt to encourage tem to plug in were tey fit best. Greatness Troug Service In Mark 10, we read about te time wen Jesus dealt wit His disciples wit regard to teir attitude toward greatness. Two of His disciples, James and Jon, ad asked Jesus if tey migt be positioned to sit on is rigt and left side in te kingdom of God. Tey sougt for teir own greatness. And wile tere is noting wrong wit greatness itself in fact, Jesus did not correct His disciples for teir desire to be great it s ow a person is to go about becoming great tat Jesus clarified:

222 212 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Hearing tis, te ten began to feel indignant wit James and Jon. Calling tem to Himself, Jesus said to tem, You know tat tose wo are recognized as rulers of te Gentiles lord it over tem; and teir great men exercise autority over tem. But it is not tis way among you, but woever wises to become great among you sall be your servant; and woever wises to be first among you sall be slave of all. For even te Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. (Mark 10:41 45) Jesus didn t say, Don t ave a desire to be great. He said, If you want to become great, serve. Tat s ow you do it. Instill in your cildren a desire for greatness, but also instruct tem tat tis is acieved troug te virtue of service. In God s kingdom, te way up te ladder is down. Wen your cildren stand before Jesus at te judgment seat of Crist someday in order to receive rewards for teir works, nowere in te Bible does it say tat God is going to ceck te Sunday scool attendance seet (altoug Sunday scool is important for instilling godly virtues). But wat is going to be cecked is were and in wat spirit Instill in your cildren a desire for greatness, but also instruct tem tat tis is acieved troug te virtue of service. In God s kingdom, te way up te ladder is down. your cildren served ow well tey loved one anoter. How many glasses of cold water did your cildren give in Jesus name (see Mark 9:41)? Tere s a careful distinction tat must be made concerning service. Service tat is done wit te rigt eart attitude is service tat is done expecting noting in return. It is offered tat Crist migt be glorified. Doing someting for someone else and ten expecting tem to do someting for you in return is called business, not service. And wile tere is noting wrong wit doing business, we want our cildren to understand tat it is service only wen it is done simply to glorify God and elp someone else. No

223 Service 213 matter ow small te action, wen accompanied by te rigt spirit of service, God takes notice. Te Lord as called your cild to a life of greatness, and tat greatness comes by walking te patway of service. Humility For service to truly be God-onoring, it must be cradled in a eart of umility. We read in Pilippians: Do noting from selfisness or empty conceit, but wit umility of mind regard one anoter as more important tan yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for te interests of oters. Have tis attitude in yourselves wic was also in Crist Jesus, wo altoug He existed in te form of God, did not regard equality wit God a ting to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking te form of a bond-servant, and being made in te likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He umbled Himself by becoming obedient to te point of deat, even deat on a cross. (Pilippians 2:3 8) Jesus existed in te form of God, but He did not regard tat form as someting to old onto tigtly. He denied tat form; He just didn t embrace it so tigtly tat He couldn t lower Himself enoug to serve someone else. Rater, He emptied Himself in order to pour Himself into oters. Te Greek word used for bond-servant in tis passage is te word doulos, wic means slave. 1 In Roman culture wen Jesus lived, a slave was as low as you could go. We learn from tis tat Jesus wasn t content just to stick some extra cas or bags of food in His car in order to dole it out to a omeless person as He drove ere or tere. Tat s called carity, not service. Rater, He took on te form of a servant in fact, te lowest form of a servant, tat of being a slave. And as eirs and eiresses wit Crist, we are to do no less. Your cildren are to do no less. Parents, as you teac your cildren te essential virtue of servantood, give tem a eart of service. Give tem a eart of sacrifice for teir Savior and compassion for teir neigbor. Let tem witness you serving oters, because it

224 214 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS is in modeling tis eart before tem tat you will be teir greatest tutor. And let compassion be teir guide. Compassion Scripture teaces us tat autentic fait sows itself in compassion. But it s not just feeling compassion; we are called to ave compassion in action to be compassionate. It s visiting orpans and widows in teir distress (James 1:27). Te Greek word for visit in tis verse doesn t mean to drop by once in a wile to see ow tings are going. Te word means to care for people and meet teir needs. 2 True religion is not selfis. It elps tose wo can do noting for us in return. In te economy of te first-century world, orpans and widows were te most elpless people in society. Tey were te poorest of te poor. Tey often needed elp, but tey could offer tose wo elped tem noting in return. And because widows and orpans were basically powerless, tey were often te victims of injustice. God warned His people to make sure tey defend te elpless. In Isaia 1:11 17, God as some biting words for Israel. He begins by asking: Wat are your multiplied sacrifices to Me? says te Lord. I ave ad enoug of burnt offerings of rams and te fat of fed cattle; And I take no pleasure in te blood of bulls, lambs, or goats... Yes, even toug you multiply prayers, I will not listen. (verses 11, 15) Wat ad Israel done to cause God to despise teir sacrifices and prayers? Scripture goes on to tell te story: Your ands are covered wit blood (verse 15). In oter words, Israel was a place were injustice flourised. Te elpless were mistreated by te powerful. Tings were so bad tat te people s ypocritical acts of religious observance made God s stomac turn. Tis is wat He asked tem to do in order to remedy te situation: Was yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove te evil of your deeds from My sigt.

225 Service 215 Cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, reprove te rutless, defend te orpan, plead for te widow (verses 16 17). To live out a fait tat is valuable to God, we must reac out to tose wo cannot elp temselves. Tat s wat our eavenly Fater did for us. Wen we were sinners and could do noting for God in return, God in Crist became sin for us tat we migt become te rigteousness of God in Him. God wants us to raise kingdom kids wo will see to te needs of te elpless in te kingdom. It is in tis way tat our cildren will truly be image bearers of our King. Compassion troug service, toug, not only motivates us to elp tose in need, it also encourages us to take ongoing responsibility for doing so. Tis is one place were te body of Crist as dropped a critical ball. We ave turned over to te government our spiritual responsibility to care for te needy among us. Scripture asks te question, Wat use is it, my bretren, if someone says e as fait, but e as no works? Can tat fait save im? (James 2:14). In oter words, wat good is a religion tat is all talk? Te call to serve te elpless and needy is a strong teme trougout Scripture and particularly in te New Testament. In 1 Jon we read: We know love by tis, tat He laid down His life for us; and we ougt to lay down our lives for te bretren. But woever as te world s goods, and sees is broter in need and closes is eart against im, ow does te love of God abide in im? Little cildren, let us not love wit word or wit tongue, but in deed and trut. (1 Jon 3:16 18) Jon says our fait must include bot conviction and service. It s not a matter of one or te oter; it s bot. In Mattew 25:31 46, Jesus said te seep saw Him ungry and tirsty and naked and a stranger and in prison and met His needs. Te goats saw Jesus in need but did noting. Te seep will ask, Lord, wen did we see You [in need and serve You?] Jesus will answer, To te extent tat you did it to one of tese broters of Mine, even te least of tem, you did it to Me (verse 40). In oter words, Jesus credits your account in eaven wen you elp people in need. In His day, widows and orpans were at te top of te least of tese

226 216 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS list. Wen you raise your kids wit a eart to elp te elpless, you set tem up to reap God s blessings in teir lives. One way I modeled tis mindset for my kids was to reac out to a young boy from a single-parent ome wose fater wasn t around. I d often invite im to join us at family devotions and meals, or I d make sure e sat wit us as a family in curc. Tis kind of lifestyle-mentoring can be done simply by including tose around you in your normal activities. We ve encouraged members of our curc to be intentional about mentoring troug our curc-scool partnersip outreac. Every year we send undreds of mentors into te public scools to sare life, give advice, and impact tose wo are at risk for poor decisions due to a broken or unstable ome. We also mentor yout troug our curc sports program, wit over a tousand kids participating eac year on our curc campus, as well as in oter ways. Our curc as been doing tis for over twenty-five years, and we continue to see te fruit as non-college-bound kids get a glimpse of ope tat alters teir course, ultimately usering in teir God-given destinies. 3 Many of our mentors cultivate relationsips tat run deeper tan a program because tey are birted in a spirit of autentic service and love. Paul, wo modeled servantood at great personal cost, asks us to ave Crist s mind wen we serve as well. Tis is not a mindset of carity, were we give out of our excess to meet someone in want. Serving is giving of yourself to meet te needs of tose around you on an ongoing basis. Wile Crist is te King of Kings, He umbled Himself to te point of deat. Wat He gave cost Him dearly. Jesus served because He possessed a worldview tat looked beyond te present. He didn t see only te cross, He also saw te victory te cross and resurrection would secure. He didn t see only te pain; He also saw you and me living in salvation. He saw your cildren. We ave been given a great and wonderful gift troug Crist s service on te cross: eternal life. All He asks in return is tat we ave te same mindset He was willing to ave Himself a mindset of service. Parents, servantood is a powerful tool for a kingdom kid. It can take tem far because God gives grace to te umble and exalts tose wo serve, as He exalted Jesus. Yes, God desires to bless your cildren, but He also desires tis

227 Service 217 blessing to extend beyond your cildren to oters. He desires tat, as a result of aving been saved and subsequently blessed, your cildren will ave tis spirit witin tem te very mindset of Crist in order to serve oters. I enjoy old Westerns from time to time, and one of my favorites is Te Hanging Tree starring Gary Cooper. In it, Cooper plays a young doctor wo, at one point in te film, comes across a young cowboy wo as been sot. Cooper takes out is knife, cuts te man open, and removes te bullet, tus saving te man s life. After te doctor cares for te cowboy during is recovery, te cowboy eventually recovers and is ealty again. Te cowboy asks te doctor wat e can do to repay te doctor for saving is life. Te doctor replies tat te cowboy can be is assistant. Te cowboy ten wonders ow long te doctor migt want im to do tis service in excange for im saving is life. To tis, te doctor replies tat e wants te cowboy to serve im for te rest of is life, since tat s precisely ow long e would ave been dead. 4 Jesus Crist as paid te price for te salvation of your cildren for all eternity. Wen your cildren trust Him for teir salvation, tey receive tat gift. Serving Crist for a gift of tat lengt souldn t be a struggle. God souldn t ave to beg tose He as saved to serve Him in return. Tese days He does ave to beg, toug, because we ave raised a generation tat as forgotten wat He did for tem, and we ave raised tem wit te mindset tat God owes tem someting in return for watever tey do. Tis concept reminds me of a young boy wo wrote is mom a note one day before eading off to scool. After e left, is mom found te note lying on te counter in te kitcen. It read: Dear Mom, For cleaning my room, you can pay me $5.00. For cleaning te garage, $5.00. For raking te leaves, $5.00. For taking te stuff to te attic, $5.00. For babysitting my little broter, $5.00. Mom, you owe me $25.

228 218 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS Te next morning wen it was time for te young boy to leave for scool, e found a note in te same place e ad left is own. It read: Dear Son, For carrying you in my womb nine monts, no carge. For staying up wit you all nigt wen you were sick, no carge. For losing money to take off from work to be wit you wen you got in trouble, no carge. For working overtime in order to get te money you needed to buy te sports uniform so you could play te sport you wanted to, no carge. For all of tis, and more, no carge. Son, you owe me noting, because I love you. As we saw earlier in Galatians, we ave been justified freely by God s grace. God souldn t ave to pay us to serve He as given us an eternity of grace already. God souldn t ave to plead wit us to serve, eiter. Kingdom parents, train your cildren in tis virtue so tey will actively searc out opportunities to serve out of gratitude for wat God as already done. It is tis eart tat will truly propel your cildren into a life of greatness. For te kingdom of God belongs to suc as tese.

229 17 USING ALL YOUR ARROWS Because I m a pastor, parents facing difficult situations in teir omes or marriages regularly ask me ow God is going to sow up and transform watever callenge tey are in. My answer is always te same: I don t know. But wat I do know is tis: Wen God tells you to cross te Jordan, you d better start walking, and let Him work it out. God rarely starts working tings out until He sees you respond to wat He as asked you to do. God responds wen you walk by fait, not wen you wis by fait. You can t exercise fait in a rocking cair. A rocking cair makes you comfortable, but it doesn t take you anywere. Far too many parents are satisfied wit comfortable omes at te expense of creating families wo will carry out God s agenda and advance His kingdom on eart. God as as many metods for restoring or strengtening your ome and your cildren as tere are stars in te sky. He is te great unfigureoutable God. He knows ow to fix tings, tweak tings, and turn tings tat are upside down rigt-side up again. He can turn kid situations around on a dime, stabilize your marriage, and eal wounds tat ave festered for years, or even decades. Te problem comes wen we try to figure out ow He s going to do it or wen we resist ow He is doing it. God may lead you one way in a situation and a totally different way in anoter very similar situation. Wen David fougt te Pilistines in te Valley

230 220 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS of Repaim te first time, God told im to go directly up against tem and He would give tem into is ands (see 2 Samuel 5:17 21). Yet in te very next battle, wic took place wen te Pilistines once again invaded te very same Valley of God responds wen you walk by fait, not wen you wis by fait. Repaim, God told David, You sall not go directly up, but rater e was to, circle around beind tem and come at tem in front of te balsam trees. God instructed David tat wen e eard te sound of te marcing in te tops of te balsam trees, ten you sall act promptly, for ten te Lord will ave gone out before you to strike te army of te Pilistines (2 Samuel 5:23 24). In te first battle, David was to engage te enemy ead-on. In te second battle, David was to wait until e eard te breeze blowing in te trees. I imagine tat is not someting David would ave learned at te Holy Land Battle Academy. I m pretty sure David never attended a combat-strategy class on Breeze Blowing in te Trees. God s ways are not our ways. Yet witin te constancy of cange remains one element tat never canges: God will respond to your fait. God will frequently eiter increase or limit wat He does in response to wat you do. Arrows in te Quiver As you begin your journey of parenting, continue it, or peraps are ready to launc your cildren out on teir own, I want to leave you wit one last tougt. Te calling of parentood is a ig one. To do it well takes more tan wat you ave to offer on your own. But never lose sigt of te fact tat wen God called people to do someting spectacular in te Bible, te ting He called tem to do was typically larger tan temselves. He called Abraam to be te fater of a migty nation. He called David to single-andedly defeat someone twice is size wit one small stone. He called Moses to part te Red Sea. And He is calling you to raise kingdom kids. You will often know tat it is God asking you to do someting if it is

231 Using All Your Arrows 221 someting you cannot do on your own. You cannot discover ow big God is unless you need Him for someting bigger tan you can andle. Raising kingdom kids in today s culture of mayem and mess is someting bigger tan any of us can andle on our own. It will be done well only troug a spirit and eart of umility tat knowingly depends on God and follows His ways and precepts. As individuals, we often can do great tings in terms of our uman abilities, but only God gets te glory wen He pulls off wat you could ave never done on your own. And frequently He pulls it off in response to your forward movement in fait. To parent well is a joint venture wit God. Sortly before te propet Elisa died, King Joas of Israel came to im in panic. He was under attack by te Arameans, and e grew terrified tat e was not prepared to win te battle. Te scent of defeat and disaster wafted on te winds from a distance. A pure analysis of te numbers told Joas quickly tat e was on te losing side Never lose sigt of te fact tat wen God called people to do someting spectacular in te Bible, te ting He called tem to do was typically larger tan temselves. of tis battle. Everyting tat was available to im was not enoug to win tis war. So, in desperation, te king went to Elisa for elp. Even toug te king was facing a pysical, tangible military crisis, e sougt a spiritual solution. Elisa responded by telling te king to take is bow and arrows and place is ands on tem. Wen e did, Elisa ten placed is own ands on top of te king s. By doing so, e merged te spiritual wit te pysical, inviting eaven s viewpoint to impact eart. Next, Elisa instructed te king to open te window tat faced toward te east were is enemy waited and soot an arrow out of it. Wen te king did, Elisa said, Te Lord s arrow of victory, even te arrow of victory over Aram; for you will defeat te Arameans at Apek until you ave destroyed tem (2 Kings 13:17). In tis passage Elisa gave te king a propetic word. He gave im exactly

232 222 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS wat e needed in te midst of a crisis: te ability to see te spiritual side of te issue. If all you see is te issue itself, you will inevitably see defeat. But wen you are able to see wat God sees, it gives you te opportunity to conduct yourself in ligt of tat trut. Keep in mind tat it is only an opportunity, toug, because God never forces you to ave fait. If He did, it would negate te very fait He forced you to ave. After tis, Elisa told te king to take is remaining arrows, wic e did. Elisa instructed im to strike te ground, wic te king also did (see 2 Kings 13:18). But ten came te problem. In te king s fear-induced aste, or out of self-preservation we don t know te reason e did not act on te propetic word Elisa ad just given im, wic declared is victory. Rater, te text tells us tat e struck it tree times and stopped (2 Kings 13:18). Tis made Elisa very angry, and e rebuked Joas by saying, You sould ave struck five or six times, ten you would ave struck Aram until you would ave destroyed it. But now you sall strike Aram only tree times (2 Kings 13:19). Kingdom parent, te lesson of King Joas teaces us tis: Most of te time God s promises are in your reac. Tey are not in your and. Like Josua, wo ad been promised God s promises for your family, future, your kids, and more don t come by you simply sitting around waiting for tem. Tey require you to act in fait. every place te sole of is foot touced, and like tis king, you ave to go and get tem. God s promises for your family, future, your kids, and more don t come by you simply sitting around waiting for tem. Tey require you to act in fait, to live out te principles taugt in tis book, and more to diligently train your cildren in God s trut. Wit te first arrow tat Elisa called te Lord s arrow of victory, te promise of victory for King Joas ad been establised. Yet te king was told

233 Using All Your Arrows 223 to soot more arrows out te window. We know tat at a minimum e ad at least six arrows in is quiver because of wat Elisa said to im. But te king cose to soot only tree. Maybe e wanted to save is remaining arrows for te upcoming battle. Maybe e didn t want tem damaged, or maybe e didn t want to ave to retrieve tem or lose tem altogeter. Te king was obviously covering imself in keeping back a few of is arrows. Yet for watever reason, te propet gave im an instruction, and e eld back. He quit long before e sould ave. Passing te Baton by Tony Evans In any relay race, te outcome depends entirely upon te passing of te baton. Miss tis, and everyting else is a waste of time. In parenting, passing te baton to your cildren includes te transference of kingdom values. In tis way, you prepare te next generation to run and continue te kingdom race well. It is to be part of te ineritance tat parents are to leave to not only teir cildren but also to teir grandcildren (Proverbs 13:22). We ope you ll consider intentionally discipling your cildren trougout teir growing-up years. A good way to do tat is by using materials suc as puzzles, games, devotionals, magazines, and workbooks. Cildren are a blessing from te Lord, but as I said earlier in te book, tey are te one blessing we often seek to limit. However, wen we view te great call and purpose of parenting troug te kingdom lens of dominion and advancement of te glory of Crist, we will see te blessing for all it truly is and can be. It is my prayer tat as you ave read te words of Lois and my four kids, you ave been inspired to see and ear your own cildren one day saying similar tings of you, and to live lives rooted in te solid foundation of God s Word. Tere is noting more satisfying tan to experience your cildren walking wit te Lord. May you pass te baton well.

234 224 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS All of us as parents, to one degree or anoter, can identify wit tis king. After all, cildren are described as arrows in our quiver in te Bible: Beold, cildren are a gift of te Lord, te fruit of te womb is a reward. Like arrows in te and of a warrior, so are te cildren of one s yout. How blessed is te man wose quiver is full of tem; tey will not be asamed wen tey speak wit teir enemies in te gate. (Psalm 127:3 5) At some point we all ave found ourselves under attack overwelmed by circumstances and situations coming against our families and our omes, and even our kids, wit no eartly solution in sigt. Tere as never been a time like tis in our nation wen so many parents feel so elpless and defeated. In myriad ways, many families today are mirroring tis king, concerned about te attacks tey are facing. Yet many parents are quitting way too early as well. Tey are trying to mix God s way by sooting a few arrows out te window wit teir way by making sure tey Wat God makes legal troug His covenantal cesed love, you must make literal. You must bring its reality from eaven to eart. ave enoug arrows remaining sould tey need to figure it out for temselves. Tese parents, like te king, are too afraid to empty teir quiver in fait. Wen it comes down to weter or not parents will, few do. Just like te king of Israel. We want a little bit of God. And a little bit of us. Just in case. But God rarely drops His promises into our laps. Wat God makes legal troug His covenantal cesed 1 love, you must make literal. You must bring its reality from eaven to eart. You must user in wat God as promised wit regard to your cildren by participating in te grand drama called movement.

235 Using All Your Arrows 225 Because te king cose to use only part of wat e ad, e received only part of wat ad been promised. Don t let tat appen to you as you raise your kids. Te promises for your cildren are true, and te promises are complete. But rarely do tese promises come witout your participation. You must raise kingdom kids, not just birt tem. Oftentimes, te level of your participation in ow tey are raised affects ow tey will experience God s promises for teir lives in His kingdom. God does not negate His promises, yet neiter does He force your participation in order to receive teir full manifestation. Wen you attended ig scool or college, you were promised a degree wen you completed your course of study. However, your participation in te process was wat usered in te reality of te promise. If you buy a toaster and bring it ome, te marketing verbiage surrounding tat toaster promises to supply you wit toasted bread. But you still must plug it in. You still must put te bread in. You still must pus it down for it to start toasting. Tere are tings you must do to fully benefit from te promise of te toaster. King Joas s problem was real. His problem was big. I know tat watever you migt be facing as a parent is real as well, and tat it is also big. But don t quit. Don t trow in te towel. Don t let te failures of yesterday negate your tomorrows. God can it a bull s-eye wit a crooked stick. Wen God gives you His perspective on wat He would ave you do, go aead. Do it. Don t merge wat He says wit wat your friends say, wat you ear on TV, or wat your kids say or even wit wat you tink. You already ave te answer. But if you ave not made a spiritual connection to everyting you do in your role of parenting, ten you will not see God s ways. Elisa sanctified te arrows by placing is ands Don t let te failures of yesterday negate your tomorrows. upon te king s ands. As we saw in an earlier capter, we are told in te New Testament tat we are to sanctify tings troug te word of God and prayer (1 Timoty 4:5). Watever it is tat you are facing in your ome, seek God s viewpoint on it troug His Word. And ten, in order to sanctify it, pray about

236 226 RAISING KINGDOM KIDS We must empty our quivers well. ow to apply it and ten do it. Maybe tat means studying God s Word for yourself, or in te context of oter believers, but know tat God will guide you and direct you if you seek Him wit your wole eart. Parents, we can no longer be satisfied wit alfearted measures. If we ave six arrows and God wants six arrows, ten tat means we soot six arrows. As parents, we must be all in wen it comes to parenting. We must parent on purpose by fulfilling all tat God as created us to do in order to replicate His image on eart in our cildren as we send tem out in His name. We must empty our quivers well. God is not going to force kingdom kids on you. You ave to diligently raise tem based on wat He as revealed to you troug His Word and troug te confirmation of His Spirit. Tat is, unless you are satisfied wit aving a alf-victorious kind of ome. A lot of people talk about a victory kind of life for temselves and teir families. Tey can wax eloquent on te omnipotence and power of God. Depending on were you are on a Sunday morning, tey can even sout it. But too few omes ave ever experienced God s ongoing victory as more tan a teoretical concept or a teological axiom. Too few parents ave ever laid claim to teir legitimate autority and destiny as leaders in teir ome. Too few parents woleeartedly embrace God s promises combined wit fulfilling teir own responsibilities. Too few families dare to empty teir quivers in fait. Most parents keep an arrow or two of worldly wisdom nearby, wic is exactly wy many cildren end up living empty and defeated lives, often camouflaged by erroneous definitions of success given to tem by our culture. It takes fait to raise a kingdom family. It takes complete and total dedication to God s Word and His ways. It takes intimacy wit Crist and fellowsip wit te Holy Spirit. It takes te intentional training and disciplesip of your cildren and keeping tem ever before God in a eart of prayer. No parent will ever do tis perfectly. I know I didn t I made many mistakes. But tat s te great ting about God. Wen you commit your ways to Him and make His will and glory te desire of your eart, He makes up te difference in all te places

237 Using All Your Arrows 227 you lack. If your kids ave gone off course and you ave done all tat God as asked you to do, ten pray for a strong wind from eaven to blow tem back to Him. Make sure you keep te ligt on so tey will always know tat ome eagerly awaits teir return (Luke 15:11 32). May you apply te truts in tis book to your parenting adventure and receive God s favor and and of blessing as you do. Tat is my prayer for you. And may you truly raise kingdom kids wo will serve teir King wit suc earts of fait tat tey will one day also be able to empty teir own quivers well.

238

239 CONCLUSION If you are a responsible adult, most likely you ave a will. In your will, you ave taken te initiative to let people know wat sould appen to your belongings and your finances once you are no longer ere. Tis preplanning on your part will prevent confusion, caos, and conflict wen it comes time for you to pass on wat you are leaving beind on eart. Just as adults make pysical wills letting oters know wat sould be passed on to te next generation, we as parents are to live our lives in ligt of a spiritual will. We are to focus on tose attributes, qualities, and principles we want to pass on to te next generation. We must put fort effort to secure tese spiritual treasures for ourselves and make sure tey are passed down to our cildren and grandcildren. In a pysical will, you are not free to pass on someting you yourself do not own. You don t include oter people s tings in your will. Similarly, as parents raising kingdom kids, te most important ting you can do is to maintain and grow in your own fait so you ave someting autentic to pass down to your kids. By doing tis, you are willing tem a living fait. You are giving tem someting tey can possess internally and take wit tem for te rest of teir lives. Parents, don t merely leave someting to your cildren; leave someting in tem. Watever else you pass on to your cildren, if you miss passing on te spiritual legacy of a living fait everyting else is in trouble. In te book of Judges, we discover wat it looks like wen a living fait is not passed down: All tat generation also were gatered to teir faters; and tere arose anoter generation after tem wo did not know te Lord, nor yet te work wic He ad done for Israel (2:10). Trougout te remainder of te book of Judges, we see te devolution of a nation, communities, families, and individuals due to te fact tat te next generation did not know te Lord. Te next generation did not know

240 230 CONCLUSION God, His ways, or His works, and te result was caos in te culture. Tat is wy kingdom parenting is so important. Like a water filter in your ome, your job as parents is to filter out Parents, don t merely leave someting to your cildren; leave someting in tem. tat wic leads your cildren away from te Lord in order to instill te purity of His Word in teir earts and minds. As te psalmist records: I will sing of te lovingkindness of te Lord forever; to all generations I will make known your faitfulness wit my mout (89:1). In making His faitfulness known troug all tat you do as a parent, you will be giving your cildren te greatest gift a spiritual will te legacy of a living fait. You will, in fact, be raising kingdom kids.

241 APPENDIX 1: THE URBAN ALTERNATIVE Dr. Tony Evans and Te Urban Alternative (TUA) equips, empowers, and unites Cristians to impact individuals, families, curces, and communities to restore ope and transform lives. We believe te core cause of te problems we face in our personal lives, omes, curces, and societies is a spiritual one; terefore, te only way to address te core cause is spiritually. We ve tried a political, a social, an economic, and even a religious agenda. It s time for a Kingdom Agenda God s visible and compreensive rule over every area of life because, wen we function as we were designed, tere is a divine power tat canges everyting. It renews and restores as te life of Crist is made manifest witin our own. As we align ourselves under Him, tere is an alignment tat appens from deep witin were He brings about full restoration. It is an atmospere tat revives and makes wole. As it impacts us, it impacts oters transforming every spere of life in wic we live. Wen eac biblical spere of life functions in accordance wit God s Word, te outcomes are evangelism, disciplesip, and community impact. As we learn ow to govern ourselves under God, we ten transform te institutions of family, curc, and society from a biblically based kingdom perspective. Troug Him, we are toucing eaven and canging eart. To acieve our goal we use a variety of strategies, metods, and resources for reacing and equipping as many people as possible. Broadcast Media Hundreds of tousands of individuals experience Te Alternative wit Dr. Tony Evans troug te daily radio broadcast airing on nearly one tousand radio outlets and in more tan one undred countries. Te broadcast can also be seen on several television networks and is viewable online at TonyEvans.org.

242 232 THE URBAN ALTERNATIVE Leadersip Training Te Kingdom Agenda Pastors (KAP) provides a viable network for like-minded pastors wo embrace te Kingdom Agenda pilosopy. Pastors ave te opportunity to go deeper wit Dr. Tony Evans as tey are given greater biblical knowledge, practical applications, and resources to impact individuals, families, curces, and communities. KAP welcomes senior and associate pastors of all curces. Te Kingdom Agenda Pastors Summit progressively develops curc leaders to meet te demands of te twenty-first century wile maintaining te gospel message and te strategic position of te curc. Te Summit introduces intensive seminars, worksops, and resources, addressing issues affecting te community, family, leadersip, organizational ealt, and more. Pastors Wives Ministry, founded by Dr. Lois Evans, provides counsel, encouragement, and spiritual resources for pastors wives as tey serve wit teir usbands in te ministry. A primary focus of te ministry is te KAP Summit tat offers senior pastors wives a safe place to reflect, renew, and relax along wit training in personal development, spiritual growt, and care for teir emotional and pysical well-being. Community Impact National Curc Adopt-A-Scool Initiative (NCAASI) prepares curces across te country to impact communities by using public scools as te primary veicle for effecting positive social cange in urban yout and families. Leaders of curces, scool districts, fait-based organizations, and oter nonprofit organizations are equipped wit te knowledge and tools to forge partnersips and build strong social-service delivery systems. Tis training is based on te compreensive curc-based community impact strategy conducted by Oak Cliff Bible Fellowsip. It addresses suc areas as economic development, education, ousing, ealt revitalization, family renewal, and racial reconciliation. We also assist curces in tailoring te model to meet te specific needs of teir communities wile simultaneously addressing te spiritual and moral frame of reference.

243 THE URBAN ALTERNATIVE 233 Resource Development We are fostering lifelong learning partnersips wit te people we serve by providing a variety of publised materials. We offer booklets, Bible studies, books, CDs, and DVDs to strengten people in teir walk wit God and ministry to oters. For more information, a catalog of Dr. Tony Evans ministry resources, and a complimentary copy of Dr. Evans devotional newsletter, call (800) or write TUA at PO Box 4000, Dallas TX 75208, or log on to TonyEvans.org.

244

245 APPENDIX 2: A MESSAGE TO SINGLE PARENTS Te story of Hagar as some real-life lessons for single parents. 1 We first meet Hagar in Genesis 16, were se was te servant of Sarai, wo, along wit er usband, Abram (tis was just before teir names were canged), was unable to ave cildren. In te custom of teir day, barren women in Sarai s situation would bring in anoter woman wo would bear te usband s cild and tus act as a surrogate. Hagar became a surrogate for Sarai. Wen Hagar got pregnant Sarai became jealous and drove Hagar out of te ouse. Pregnant and alone, wit no Abram or any oter male to support and protect er, se found erself wandering in te wilderness. Hagar was about to become a single parent because se got caugt in someone else s plan. But ten te Angel of te Lord (Jesus preincarnate) went out to te wilderness for te benefit of tis single moter-to-be. In oter words, Jesus sowed up. Tat was good news for Hagar. If you are a single parent, tat s also good news for you. Wen you ave been rejected, wen te fater or moter of your cild is nowere to be found, God knows te situation you are in, and He knows were to find you. He loves you and as great compassion on you. Wen you urt, He feels it. He knows your loneliness, stigma, and pain. After all, He experienced te fullness of all tree on te cross. Wen God sowed up He told Hagar to name er son Ismael, wic meant God ears and God knows. Every time se would use tat name, se would remember someting about God. Tat s te beauty of te grace of God for a single parent. Hagar is out on er own wit no elp, but God says, I know. In verse 13 Hagar responded. Giving God te name El Roi 2 se declared, Tou art a God wo sees. Do you know tat God sees you? Tat He sees te circumstances you are in, out tere in te desert all alone wit no one to provide for you, give you

246 236 A MESSAGE TO SINGLE PARENTS spiritual and emotional covering, and protection? He is not unaware of wat you are going troug. No matter wat you are going troug, God says, I see. I ear. I know. Te saga of Hagar does not end ere. In Genesis 21 we see tat Hagar, instructed by te Lord, as gone back to Sara. By now Sara as ad Isaac, te son God ad promised er and Abraam (teir names ad been canged by ten also). One day wen Sara saw Ismael making fun of Isaac (see verse 9), se said in effect, Not in my ouse you won t! Se ad Abraam send tem away. Hagar, along wit er son, was omeless again and left to wander in te wilderness alone. Now, se was a bona fide single moter. Tis is a classic single-parent scenario one tat, wit a few canges of detail and geograpy, could easily be repeated today. Hagar lost er ome, se ad a teenage son to take care of, and se was on te streets, so to speak, wit no money in er pockets. Se was tirsty and probably ungry. Se feared tat er boy would die. In despair se sat down and cried. Wen te Son of God sowed up again, He asked Hagar, Wat is te matter wit you? (verse 17). He was in effect saying, Hagar, ave you forgotten wat I did for you earlier? How I found you out in te wilderness wen you were pregnant and Sara ad cased you away? Do you tink I am going to remember you one minute and forget you te next? You yourself said I am te God wo sees. Do you tink tat now I ave gone blind? Single parent, God as not gone blind. He sees, He ears, and He knows. You may be in a far-from-ideal situation, but you ave an ideal God. Single moter, te greatest ting you can do is ave a passion for God, because wen you ave a passion for God, you ave Someone wo will be a Fater to your cild and a Husband and protector to you. Single fater, wen you know God, you ave Someone to lean on wo understands a fater s eart and desires for is cildren. As He was wit Hagar, so is He wit you... te God wo sees and knows and cares.

247 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I want to express my eartfelt gratitude to Focus on te Family and Tyndale House Publisers for te support, commitment, and excellence tey ave given to tis work.

248

249 SCRIPTURE INDEX OLD TESTAMENT Genesis 1: Genesis 1: Genesis 3: Genesis 12: Genesis 16: Genesis 18: Genesis 21:9, Genesis 27: Genesis 27: Genesis 27: Genesis 46: Exodus 20: Exodus 21: Exodus 21: Exodus 34: Deuteronomy , 16 Deuteronomy 6: Deuteronomy 6: Deuteronomy 6: Deuteronomy 6: Deuteronomy 6: Deuteronomy 6: Deuteronomy 8: Deuteronomy 8: Deuteronomy 8: Deuteronomy 8: Deuteronomy 21: Deuteronomy 33: Judges 2: Samuel 2: Samuel 2: Samuel 3: Samuel 7: Samuel 8: Samuel 5: Samuel 5: Kings 2: Kings 13: Kings 13: Kings 13: Cronicles Cronicles 7: , 24, 27 Job 5: Job 31: Psalm 1: Psalm 1: Psalm 15: Psalm 33: Psalm 40: Psalm 84: Psalm 89: Psalm 90: Psalm 111: Psalm 119: Psalm 127: Psalm 127: Psalm Psalm 128: Proverbs 1: Proverbs 1: Proverbs 1: Proverbs 1: Proverbs 3: Proverbs 3: Proverbs 3: Proverbs 3: Proverbs 4: Proverbs 4: Proverbs 4: Proverbs 6: Proverbs 6:

250 240 SCRIPTURE INDEX Proverbs 7: Proverbs 9: , 155 Proverbs 10: Proverbs 13: Proverbs 14: , 159 Proverbs 16: Proverbs 16: Proverbs 17: Proverbs 17: Proverbs 17: Proverbs 18: Proverbs 19: Proverbs 19: Proverbs 22: , 87 Proverbs 22: Proverbs 23: Proverbs 24: Proverbs 27: Proverbs 30: Song of Solomon 8: Isaia 1: , 215 Isaia 3: Isaia 43: Jeremia 29: , 67 Daniel 1: Daniel 1: Daniel 1: , 50 Daniel 1: Daniel 1: , 55 Daniel 1: Daniel 1: Daniel 1: Daniel 4: Daniel 6: Daniel 6: Daniel 6: Daniel 6: Daniel 6: Daniel 6: Mica 2: Zecaria 12: Malaci 3: Malaci 4: NEW TESTAMENT Mattew 7: Mattew 12: Mattew 23: Mattew 25: Mattew 28: Mattew 28: Mark 9: Mark Mark 10: Mark 10: Luke 2: , 147 Luke 8: Luke 10: Luke 15: Jon 8: Jon 8: Jon 16: , 189 Acts 13: Romans Romans 8: Romans 8: Romans 14: Corintians 3: Corintians 6: Corintians 6: , Corintians 6: , Corintians 7: Corintians 9: Corintians , 90 1 Corintians 13: , 81 1 Corintians 13: Corintians 13: Corintians 13: Corintians 13: Corintians 13: Corintians 15: Corintians 1:

251 SCRIPTURE INDEX Corintians 1: Corintians 2: Corintians 5: Corintians 10: Galatians 5: Epesians 1: Epesians 2: Epesians 2: Epesians 4: Epesians 4: Epesians 4: Epesians 4: Epesians 6: Epesians 6: Epesians 6: Epesians 6: Epesians 6: , 96 Epesians 6: Pilippians 2: Pilippians 4: Colossians 1: Colossians 1: Colossians 1: Colossians 3: Colossians 3: Timoty 2: Timoty 2: Timoty Timoty 4: Timoty 4: Timoty 5: Timoty 5: Timoty 5: Timoty 5: Timoty 2: Timoty 3: Hebrews 4: Hebrews 11: Hebrews 12: Hebrews 12: Hebrews 12: Hebrews 12: Hebrews 12: Hebrews 12: Hebrews 12: James 1: , 192, 194 James 1: James 1: , 197 James 1: James 1: James 1: James 1: James 1: James 1: James 1: James 1: James 1: James 2: James 3: James 3: James 3: James 3: James 3: , Peter 1: Peter 2: Peter 5: Jon 3: Jon 1: Jon 1: Revelation 5:

252

253 NOTES Capter 1: Tis Isn t te Magic Kingdom 1. Mike Devlin, 10 Real-Life Disney Deats, Listverse.com, Marc 27, 2013, ttp://listverse.com/2013/03/27/10-real-life-disney-deats/. 2. Education Week, Dropouts, August 2, 2004, updated June 16, 2011, ttp:// for an easy-to-read cart summarizing te Education Week data, see Statistic Brain, Hig Scool Dropout Statistics, January 1, 2014, ttp:// 3. Te National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, Counting It Up: Te Public Costs of Teen Cildbearing, accessed May 13, 2014, ttp://tenationalcampaign.org/wy-it-matters/public -cost#. 4. Steve McSwain, Wy Nobody Wants to Go to Curc Anymore, Te Huffington Post, October 14, 2013, ttp:// post.com/steve-mcswain/wy-nobody-wants-to-go-to_b_ tml. 5. Byron Pitts, Hidden America: Heroin Use Has Doubled, Spreading to Suburbs, ABC News, July 31, 2013, ttp://abcnews.go.com /blogs/eadlines/2013/07/idden-america-eroin-use-as-doubled -spreading-to-suburbs/. 6. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System (WISQARS) (2010), cited in Yout Violence: Facts at a Glance, 2012 Report from te National Center for Injury Prevention and Control Division of Violence Prevention, ttp:// 7. Katerine Sarpe, Te Medicine Generation, Wall Street Journal, June 29, 2012, ttp://online.wsj.com/news/articles/sb

254 244 NOTES 8. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G0932, basileia, accessed May 13, 2014, ttp:// Capter 2: Aser and te Elepant 1. Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatces te Egg (New York: Random House, 1940), Seuss, Horton Hatces te Egg, CBSnews.com Staff, Te Delinquents: A Spate of Rino Killings, 60 Minutes, August 22, 2000, ttp:// -delinquents/. 4. Strong s Hebrew Lexicon, s.v. H836, Aser, accessed May 13, 2014, ttp:// 836&t=KJV. Capter 4: Life Outside te Palace Walls 1. American Gaming Association, Casino Alcool Policies, 2013, ttp:// -seets/casino-alcool-policies. 2. Te caracter Romeo utters tese words in Act II, Scene II. See Romeo and Juliet, Bartleby.com, accessed May 14, 2014, ttp:// com/70/3822.tml. Capter 5: Transferring te Royal Blessing 1. Ragnild Sleire Oyen, King Olav 5, Store Norske, December 30, 2004, ttp:// King Olav Named Century Norwegian, VG Nyeter, December 17, 2005, ttp:// /kong-olav-kaaret-til-aarundrets-nordmann/a/299446/. 2. Wikipedia, s.v. Coronations in Norway, accessed May 22, 2014, ttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/coronations_in_norway#cite_note Jan Sjåvik, Te A to Z of Norway (Lanam, MD: Scarecrow Press, 2008), 154, ttp://books.google.com/books?id=_lnv6anqtl4c&pri ntsec=frontcover&dq=te+a+to+z+of+norway&l=en&sa=x&ei=nc WEU_zFF8KkyATNsIKAAg&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage& q=te%.

255 NOTES Vince Lombardi, Wat It Takes to Be Number One (Nasville: Tomas Nelson, 2012), A Football Life: Vince Lombardi, NFL Network, December 24, 2013, ttp:// /A-Football-Life-Vince-Lombardi-Football-is-is-mistress. Capter 7: Tree Pillars of Parenting 1. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G3962, patr, accessed May 15, 2014, ttp:// =G Kyla Boyse, Television and Cildren, University of Micigan Healt System, last updated August 2010, ttp:// cild/topics/tv.tm. 3. Harold Taylor and Geraldine Taylor, Hudson Taylor in Early Years: Te Growt of a Soul (Piladelpia: Cina Inland Mission, 1912) capter 4, Nurture and Admonition. See ttp:// /library/udsontaylor/udsontaylorv1/udsontaylorv104.tm. Capter 8: Honor and Respect 1. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G5091, tima, accessed May 19, 2014, ttp:// =G5091&t=KJV. Capter 9: LOL, SMHS, and CC (Cultivating Communication) 1. Kevin Eikenberry, Wat te Best Leaders Will Learn from Peyton Manning (But Most Will Ignore), Leadersip and Learning wit Kevin Eikenberry (blog), January 27, 2014, ttp://blog.kevineikenberry.com /leadersip/wat-te-best-leaders-will-learn-from-peyton-manning -but-most-will-ignore/. 2. Unguarded wit Racel Nicols, Interview wit Seaawks Russell Wilson, January 10, 2014, ttp://transcripts.cnn.com/tran SCRIPTS/1401/10/rnu.01.tml.

256 246 NOTES Capter 10: Table Time: God s Word and Prayer 1. Environment News Service, Celebrating 40 Years of Endangered Species Act Success, December 31, 2013, ttp://ens-newswire.com/2013/12 /31/celebrating-40-years-of-endangered-species-act-success/. 2. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G1721, empytos, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G1209, decomai, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G1209&t=KJV. 4. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G435, Aner, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G435&t=. 5. General Social Survey 2010, cited in Te ARDA: Association of Religion Data Arcives, Frequency of prayer by religion, accessed May 22, 2014, ttp:// Capter 11: Wisdom 1. IMDb.com, Indiana Jones and te Last Crusade (1989): Quotes, accessed May 22, 2014, ttp:// Capter 12: Integrity 1. Julia Lovell, Te Great Wall: Cina Against te World, 1000 BC-AD 2000, (New York: Grove/Atlantic, 2006), , ttp://books.google.com/books?id=iws53cuiuvgc&printsec=frontcover&dq=t e+great+wall:+cina+against+te+world&l=en&sa=x&ei=0mse U9z8LIWGyAS_lYGYDQ&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q= Te%20great%20wall%3A%20. Capter 14: Resiliency 1. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G5281, ypomon, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G5281&t=KJV.

257 NOTES Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G2233, geomai, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G2233&t=KJV. Capter 15: Purity 1. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G680, aptomai, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G Rand S. Swenson, Review of Clinical and Functional Neuroscience, Dartmout Medical Scool, accessed May 22, 2014, ttps:// 3. Dirk Sceele, Andrea Wille, Keit M. Kendrick, Birgit Stoffel-Wagner, Benjamin Becker, Onur Güntürkün, Wolfgang Maier, and René Hurlemann, Oxytocin Enances Brain Reward System Responses in Men Viewing te Face of Teir Female Partner, Proceedings of te National Academy of Sciences of te United States of America (PNAS), 110 (50) , November 25, 2013, ttp:// /content/110/50/20308.full?sid= fc-4bfc-b8d4-bd01ece 3514a, cited in Brenda Goodman, How te Love Hormone Works Its Magic, WebMD from HealtDay, November 25, 2013, ttp:// -ormone-works-its-magic. 4. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G2853, kolla, accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G2853. Capter 16: Service 1. Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G1401, doulos accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G Strong s Greek Lexicon, s.v. G1980, episkeptomai accessed May 21, 2014, ttp:// =G1980&t=KJV.

258 248 NOTES 3. To learn more on ow you can implement a curc-scool outreac in your area, visit us online at or call IMDb.com, Te Hanging Tree (1959), accessed May 26, 2014, ttp:// Capter 17: Using All Your Arrows 1. Tis word means mercy. Strong s Concordance, s.v. H1136, Ben-cesed, accessed May 22, 2014, ttp://biblesuite.com/ebrew /1136.tm. Appendix 2: A Message to Single Parents 1. Tis material was adapted from Dr. Evans s book Help and Hope for te Single Parent (Cicago: Moody, 2014). Used wit permission. 2. Strong s Hebrew Lexicon, s.v. H7210, ro iy accessed May 22, 2014, ttp:// =H7210&t=KJV.

259 Welcome to te Family Weter you purcased tis book, borrowed it, or received it as a gift, tanks for reading it! Tis is just one of many insigtful, biblically based resources tat Focus on te Family produces for people in all stages of life. Focus is a global Cristian ministry dedicated to elping families trive as tey celebrate and cultivate God s design for marriage and experience te adventure of parentood. Our outreac exists to support individuals and families in te joys and callenges tey face, and to equip and empower tem to be te best tey can be. Focus on te Family MAGAZINES Tese fait-building, caracter-developing publications address te interests, issues, concerns, and callenges faced by every member of your family from prescool troug te senior years. Troug our many media outlets, we offer elp and ope, promote moral values and sare te life-canging message of Jesus Crist wit people around te world. For More INFORMATION ONLINE: Log on to FocusOnTeFamily.com In Canada, log on to FocusOnTeFamily.ca THRIVING FAMILY Marriage & Parenting FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CLUBHOUSE JR. Ages 4 to 8 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CLUBHOUSE Ages 8 to 12 PHONE: Call toll-free: 800-A-FAMILY ( ) In Canada, call toll-free: FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CITIZEN U.S. news issues Rev. 3/11

260 More expert resources for marriage and parenting... Do you want to be a better er parent? Enjoy a stronger marriage? Focus on te Family s collection of inspiring, practical resources can elp your family grow closer and stronger tan ever before. Wicever format you migt need video, audio, book or e-book, we ave someting for you. Visit our online Family Store and discover ow we can elp your family trive at FocusOnTeFamily.com/resources.

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