It s the middle of the night, said Moses. Can whatever this is wait until tomorrow?

Transcription

1 Exodus 3 In Which Moses Blazes Some Weed, but Not in the Fun Way By God (translated by Doomburito) Visit for more! --- As a kid, Moses was often asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. The answers would range from common (a fireman) to thoughtful (a good leader) to the slightly improbable (a pyramid). At yet, despite his constant indecision about what he hoped the future would bring, he had never for the life of him considered that he would end up working in the wilderness amongst a group of fifty sheep. Even more surprising was that he actually...kind of enjoyed it. There was something intensely calming about spending day after day wandering across open expanses of grass, listening to the rhythmic sounds of slow chewing and the occasional bleat. While he used to spend hours just lazily lounging inside the palace, now he had become fit and tan under the sun. And some nights, he would prop himself up against a pile of sheep (very comfy) and stare out across the vast mural of stars dotting the sky until he fell asleep. (It should be noted, of course, that by this point he actually had found a wonderful wife and raised a child of his own, but despite his all-encompassing love for the two of them, they had just never really shared his enthusiasm for sheep. He was eternally grateful that his wife let him sleep outside rather than in their bed. For her part, she was just as grateful to be able to really stretch her legs at night. It was a win-win situation for everyone involved). Did he miss Egypt sometimes? Sure, who wouldn t? (Besides, you know, the slaves). But if he had to be completely honest with himself, not even an act of god could get him to ever give up this new life and head back. Hey, hey Moses, said a voice, waking him up from his slumber. You gotta get up. The voice poked him in the shoulder with a big stick to emphasise the point. Moses blearily took a look around. It was still very, very dark out. One of the sheep gave him a drowsy glance and then fell back to sleep. It s the middle of the night, said Moses. Can whatever this is wait until tomorrow? Jethro, his father in law (and the owner of the big stick), shook his head. That bush is on fire. That what?

2 That bush is on fire, Jethro repeated unhelpfully and pointed up to the top of a nearby hill. Sure, enough, there did appear to be a burning bush flaming away under the night sky. Moses blinked. So? I ve been staring at it for the past two hours. It isn t going out. Why were you staring at a bush for two hours in the middle of the night? To make sure it wasn t spreading. And is it? asked Moses. No. Are we in any danger? No. I m going back to bed, said Moses, rolling over. Jethro stood around complaining for a bit but eventually gave up and sulked off somewhere else. Moses nestled up against the sheep and tried to fall back asleep, but now that he had noticed the bush, he kept seeing the light of the flame just out of the corner of his eyelids. He shoved his face into one of the sheep, but no matter how he tried, everything just seemed a bit too bright to be comfortable. Moses sighed. He set up, stretched, cursed Jethro s name, and went out to fetch a bucket of water. --- Up close, Moses had to admit that the burning bush was a bit of an oddity. For one thing, it still looked like a perfectly healthy bush just...you know, on fire. It didn t blacken, it didn t shrivel, it just stood there, leaves and all, happily content to blaze away as if the laws of thermodynamics couldn t be bothered to step in and sort everything out. As Moses stared into the flames, they began to violently spark and a booming voice from deep within the bush called out, Moses, Moses Moses dumped the bucket of water on the bush. That ended up working pretty well. With the bush now thoroughly doused, Moses turned to head back and hopefully get a few more hours of shut eye before morning.

3 No sooner had he began to walk down the hill than he felt a familiar heat surge up behind him. Cautiously, he looked back and found that the bush was aflame yet again, as if he hadn t just chucked a few gallons of ice water on it. That wasn t really cool of you, said the bush. I was trying to do this whole shock and awe thing and you kind of took the wind out of my sails, so to speak. Moses looked around to make sure no one was hiding, ready to spring up and claim this was all a big prank. Who s there? Come on, this isn t funny. Hey, man. Moses. Right here, buddy, said the bush. Yeah, that s right. Talking fire bush, don t think too much about it. You gonna take your shoes off or what? Moses stared at the bush, dumbfounded. I m talking to you, kid, said the bush. Shoes off. This is a holy place and you re tracking sheep shit all over. Let s go, we don t have all night. Moses removed his shoes in a slight daze. I m dreaming right now, aren t I? Do your dreams usually involve standing around talking to plants? Not particularly. Plus, I still seem to be wearing my underpants. Not gonna get into that one, said the bush. Listen, I ll be quick because I have better things to do that stand around pretending to be foliage. Hi there, I m God. God? said Moses. Which God? THE God. You know, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? I have no idea who those people are. Okay, well the point is, I m kind of in charge of things around here and I ve heard the cries of your Hebrew brethren back in Egypt. That whole slave thing isn t really working out for me, said God. Couldn t you have just made sure they didn t get put into slavery in the first place? said Moses. I admit I may have taken a bit of time off at an inopportune moment, said God. Uh huh.

4 But I m gonna make it up to them, promise. I m staging a massive breakout and taking them to a new land. I ve got this sweet piece of real estate in mind. What s your opinion on milk and honey? They re...fine? Well, this place is practically flowing with the stuff. And that s a good thing, is it? said Moses. Sounds like a great way to get ants. The point is, said God. if I want this thing to go off without a hitch, I need an inside man who can get in good with Pharaoh and help convince him on my behalf. Oh, said Moses. Oh no. No. I see where there is going. And I want you, Moses. Nope. No thanks. It s a great gig. Excellent perks. Free health insurance. Pass. You could be a hero! I m a shepherd. I like being a shepherd. What would I do anyway, just walk up to Pharaoh and say, Hey, you may not remember me, but I killed someone a few years ago and ran away. Can you please give up your country s primary means of service and economy so I can lead them to some magical honey land in the desert? God shrugged. Yeeeesss? That s less than reassuring. I ll be right behind you every step of the way. No questions asked. Really? said Moses, doubtful. As long as you climb up a mountain and worship me every so often. Oh, good. Perfect, said Moses. So not only will I be the crazy guy who thinks he can tell the Pharaoh what to do, I ll be the crazy guy who prays to an invisible God. I m sure that will instil a lot of faith in my leadership ability.

5 Says the guy talking to a burning bush in the middle of the night, said God. Says the BURNING BUSH! said Moses. What am I supposed to call you anyway, just God? That works, said God. But friends call me Iam. Iam? Is that your name? No, but I am who I am. Moses groaned. Well, it s been nice talking to you. Let s never do it again. I m going to bed. Wait! said God. I really can t do this without you. Please. I need you. Your people need you. Moses paused and sighed. No puns. No puns. I have my limits. They only happen like once every few thousand years, I promise. I m usually a very serious God. You can t see me, but I have an incredibly serious face on right now. Alright, alright, fine, said Moses. As long as this is going to be as easy as you say it is. Just walk in, do a bit of schmoozing, unhook some shackles and walk out. Basically, said God. What am I missing? Well, on the off-chance the Egyptians give you a hard time, I might need to wow them with a few special tricks I ve picked up. Like what, exactly? Nothing big, nothing big, said God. Don t worry about it. Okay, if you say so- You definitely won t be implicated....sorry, what?

6 Just a joke. What happened to very serious God? I m very serious about jokes. Moses rubbed his eyes. This was going to be a long night.