Reflections!on! Walking!with!God!

Transcription

1 Reflections!on! Walking!with!God! שבועות) Shavuot(2015/5775! 1

2 Introduction* AcommunityofadultlearnersatBethElspentsevenmonthswrestlingwith thequestion: What&does&it&mean&to&walk&with&God? Thecoursecurriculumis fromthe Walkingwith adulteducationseriescreatedbythezeiglerschool ofrabbinicstudies.thecourseinvolvedthestudyoftextsfromthebible, Talmud,andMidrashtokabbalah,AbrahamJoshuaHeschel,andMordechai Kaplan.ThroughthecoursestudentsdiscoveredthemanydiversewaysJews havestruggledtoexplainandunderstandgodthroughoutourhistory. AsasynthesistotheWalkingwithGodcourse,eachstudentwasaskedto reflectonthequestion: What&is&a&text&or&approach&to&talking&about&God&that& changed&the&way&you&think&about&god?&&explain&why. Thisbookletisa compilationofthosereflections.someessaysarepersonalthoughtsonthe entirecourseoranareaofpersonalgrowth,someareteachingsabouta specifictextorscholar,andsomearecreativeoutcomesfromtheexperience. Wesharethesereflectionsinthespiritofcommunity;acommunitythat embracestheblessingoftalkingaboutgod. Thisbookletisalsoatestamenttoourwarm,welcoming,andsafelearning group.onethatlistenedfullytodiverseperspectives,gentlychallenged assumptions,andsupportedeachotheronourpersonaljourneystowards walkingwithgod.thankyoutoeachandeveryclassmateforbeingapartner inourlearningandenrichingthe WalkingwithGod experience. Aspecialthankyouto RickiGoldsteinforspearheadingthisincredibleadulteducation opportunity; LibbyVaughnforkeepingusallorganized; andrabbigreyberforbeingmorethanjustourteacher,butour mentor,partnerandcheerleader. Enjoyourreflections. 2

3 Table*of*Contents* Introduction* & Page2 & Ode*to*Four Louis&Sawyer& Page4 * & Multiple*Ways*to*Talk*about*God* Laura&Strauss& Page5 & Hinneni*(Here*+*I)* Libby&Vaughn& Page6 & Finding*a*Relationship*with*God* Daniel&Weinreb& Page8 & The*Value*of*Learning* Gabe&Liberty& Page9 & The*Breadth*of*God s*majesty* Sharon&Lipp& Page10 & Midrash:*A*Way*to*Walk*with*God* Tal&Lewin&Wittle& Page12 * & In*Search*of*Din*and*Hesed* Norma&Gindes& Page14 & Coming*Home* Susannah&Bell& Page15 & God*in*the*Beauty*of*Nature** Gail&Grossman& Page16 & 3

4 Ode*to*Four* MyconnectionwithG]dcomesmosteasilythroughmusic,andmusictendsto behowiknowg]disintheroom.inthiscase,thetunewasalittleniggunthat cameintomyearonjuly4,2014,afterreadingaboutthefamiliesoffour youngpeoplewhodiedinthegazaviolence. I'veexperiencedthecourseoverallasaninvitationtoseek/findG]din dialoguewithoneanother.thetextswe'vereadtogetherhavebeenthe sharedfocusofconversation,butnotthepointofit.thenotesonthepageare notthemusic(love)wemake. ThankstoRabbiGreyberforgivingallofustheinvitation,andforguidingour effortstorespondtoit. F&&Louis&Sawyer& 4

5 Multiple*Ways*to*Talk*about*God* AsachildandadultIneverspokewithfriendsorfamilyaboutGod.We wenttoservices,prayed,celebratedholidays,followedafewofthemitzvot, butneverhadanydiscussionsaboutwhatwereallybelieved.whatiliked mostaboutthisclasswastheopportunitytotalkaboutgodandourbeliefs withoutjudgment.wewereagroupapeoplewhodidnotnecessarilyhavethe sameoutlook,yetwecouldberespectfulofwhatwassaidandwhatweread fromavarietyoftexts.thefactthatbothclassmembersandguestspeakers camefromsuchvariedbackgroundsaddedtotheknowledgegainedfromthe writtenmaterials. IwouldsaythatthroughoutmylifeIalwayshadabeliefinGod,though asigotolderibegantoquestionthenatureandbeingofgodinmyownmind. IalsohadtroublereconcilinghowthecaringandbenevolentGodIbelievedin couldallowsuchhorrorsandeviltohappenthroughouthistory.asibecame moreinvolvedinmyscientificstudiesifoundmybeliefinthegodofthebible changedandmyreligiouspracticelessened.itwasnotuntilwehadchildren thatireengagedinsynagoguelife,returningtomoreobservantreligious practiceandtothinkingaboutgod. IunderstoodandappreciatedhowRabbiArtsonexplainsthe relationshipbetweengodandtheevilintheworld,whichiquestionedmany timesinmylife.hestatesthatgodgavehumanstheabilitytodistinguish betweengoodandevilandthatwearemadeingod simage,butthisisan ethicalimage. AteverymomentGodinvitesustomakethebestpossible choicegiventhesumtotalofeverythingthatbroughtustothatmoment.god s powerisintheunfoldingofrelationships,conferringtheabilityforustodo therightthing. Whethermankinddoestherightthingisintheirhands,not God s. SomeofthewritingsofRabbiJamesJacobson]Maiselsresoundwithmy wayofthinking.hepresentsaparablethatcontainstheessenceofhis understandingofgodandstatesthatthefundamentalinsightofitisforusto integratethedivinityinallweencounter.thecoreofhisbeliefisoneof awareness,connection,andrelationtothedivinenatureofourexperience.he goesontosaythatwereachthisinsight]]aprofoundsenseofconnection,a deepjoy,aninnerfreedomatwhatwemightconsiderourpeakmoments. Thesecanbelifeexperiencessuchasmomentsofbirthanddeath,innatural 5

6 settingsandfortuitouscircumstances.icanrelatethisbelieftoeventsinmy lifewhenifelttheconnectiontosomethingdivine.ihadastrongsenseof connectionatthebirthofoursonsandgrandsons,andcontinuetohavethat feelingofconnectionwhenexperiencingthebeautyofthenaturalworld. IseethehandofGodinnatureandamcompletelyawedbythepower andbeautyofthenaturalworld.idon tbelievethatwhatiamseeingisallthe resultofabigbangandwhatfollowed,therehastobesomethingmore. Somethinggreaterthanatomscomingtogetherbroughtthistous.Iliked RabbiArtson sdescriptionofgodfloatingoverthechaosthatalreadyexisted andthesteadychesedofconvertingchaosintocosmos.inhiseyesgodisstill inviting/commandingthechaosintocosmos,orinmymindhopefully,the chaosofthecurrentworldintosomethingbeautifulandspecial. F&Laura&Strauss& Hinneni*(Here*+*I)* WewantGod.Wewanttobesureortohaveproofortohaverevelation.We wantgodtoloudlyproclaim Hinneni andconfirmourfaith.weare scientistsandseekers,bornandweanedontheevidenceofourphysical world.sowhenireadtheannouncementoftheclass,ithoughtthatthis walking wasmychance.ifiwalkedwithgod,eveninafigurativesense, evenifitjustmeantreadingabouthowothersperceivedgod,theniwould haveaclearerlineonwhoorwhatthisgodwas. WereadoftheBiblicalGod,theTalmudicandHalakhicGod.Wereadof Rambam sgod.wediscussedgodthroughjudahhaleviandibngabriol.we lookedatgodinkabbalahandmishnah.fromtheancienttothe contemporary,weexploredthewaysjewshaveconceptualizedgod.but althoughwestudiedthousandsofyearsoftheologiansandphilosophers,i onlycaughtglimpsesofgod.therewasneveraloudproclamationor definitiveproofofgod sexistence. JonathanWittenbergwritesthat wewantsomuchofgodthatweforget Godinthinkingofwhatwewant. Intheseekingandtheanticipation,welose sightofthemoreimportantpiece.evenwithoutaloudproclamation,godis here.godishereinabsolutesilence,inthespacesbetweenpeople,inthewind 6

7 andinthesongswesing.wewantahinnenifromgodbutthisclassforcedme toconsiderwhatitmeantformetobepresent,thehinneniigive. IntheAkedah,theBindingofIsaac,Abrahamiscalledonthreetimestowhich heanswers hinneni. Andeventhoughthesameresponseisgiven,eachtime itisusedwithadifferentmeaningandamuchdifferentawareness. Thefirsttime,AbrahamiscalleduponbyGod.Abrahamanswers,unawareof whatgodcouldwant.abrahamsays hereiam butdoessowithout expectation.itisanunburdenedresponsethatshowswillingnesswithout understandingtheprice.godasksabrahamtosacrificehisonlyson,isaac. Thesecondtime,AbrahamiswalkingwithIsaactothesacrificialaltar.IfIsaac doesn tfullyunderstandwhatwasabouttohappen,heisatleastawarethat thingsarenotwhattheyshouldbe.hecallsouttoabrahamandabraham answers hinneni. Thistimeitcomeswiththefullweightofawareness. Abraham,inthemiddleofhisgreatestpain,stateshispresence. JustbeforeAbrahamcompletesthesacrifice,anangelcallstoAbraham.For thefinaltime,abrahamanswers hinneni. Thereisfullawarenessofwhat couldbeasked,thepossibilityoftheworst,andyetheisstillwillingto answer.theangeltellsabrahamtoreleaseisaacandprovidesasacrificial ram. Whenthisclassstarted,Iwasnotusedtohavingopenconversationsabout God.Iattendedservices,IhadmyownunderstandingofGodinmylife,butI hadneversatinaroomanddiscussedthem.whenrabbigreyberannounced theclass,ihadwillingnesstostudybutnotanunderstandingofwhatthat studywouldbe.itwaseasytosignup. Now,afterourWalk,wehavesharedthoughts,dreams,anddoubts.Wehave hadasafespacetoagreeanddisagree.wehaveusedourownwordsandthe wordsofscholarstotalkgod.idon thavescientificproofofgod sexistence butiamabletosayhinneni. Inthisclass,Istartedbiblicalstudyinearnestandmademyfirstreal commitmenttothecommunitybylearninghowtoreadtorahandhowtolead services.myhinneninowmeansthati mreadyforwhat snext.iamreadyto gofurther,bothinstudyandinparticipation. & F&Libby&Vaughn* & 7

8 Finding*a*Relationship*with*God* ItooktheWalkingwithGodclassbecauseIwantedacloserrelationshipwith Hashem.Despitemajoringinreligionatcollege,despiteyearsofdavvening anddespitetwoyearsatyeshiva,icouldsayverylittleaboutwhomyg]dis. WhowasItohavethechutzpahtoknowG]d?Iwillatmostlive100years, can'tgowithoutfood&waterformorethanafewdays,andi'mmadeof simpleatoms?g]distotallydifferent.eternal,omnipotent,andomnipresent Creatoroftheworld,ofspaceandtime.Me,relatetoG]d'sexistence? Thingschange.Duringoneofourlaterclasses,onChasidutandKabbalah,my relationshipwithhashemchangedradically.iunderstoodforthefirsttime thatg]ddoescarewhathappenstodanielweinreb.sincethosetwoclasses, myrelationshipwithotherpeople,myfeelingaboutmyexistenceandplace onearth,andmyrelationshipwithg]dhaschanged.isawthatwhatithought washumilitywasinfacttrepidation.iwasafraidofbelievinginhashem, afraidofinitiatingarelationshipwithsomethingsogreat.losingthatfear,i gainedasenseoflovethatalwaysishere. F&Daniel&Weinreb& (ThesepagesarefromDaniel snotesduringtheclassesonchasidut.) TheWorldIsFullofGod sglory 8

9 RebZalman stallis The*Value*of*Learning* Learningisamajorcomponenttolivingaspirituallife.ThetimesinwhichI felttheleastconnectedtogodwerewhenifeltididnothavetothetimeto learnoreventhinkaboutgod.thewalkingwithgodclassmotivatedmeto investigateandexploremyrelationshipwithgod.ilearnedthingsididnot knowandireinvigoratedmysoul.godisallaroundusandwesimplyneedto takethetimetolook.wheni minthepresenceofgod,ireceivearushof comfort,peaceandjoy.thismaybesomethingsimpleasacoolbreezeona hotdayorthebeautyofnaturearoundme.iseegodeverywhereiwalkandi reallypraytocontinuewalkingthisway. F&Gabe&Liberty& 9

10 The*Breadth*of*God s*majesty* Thisjourneybeganforme15yearsagowhenIdecidedtoconvertto Judaism,whichwascompleted13yearsagothismonth.GuessI mrighton timetobeabatmitzvah.mybackgroundwasintheanglicanchurch(my father s)butathomemymotherwascatholic.myolderbrotherandivisited mygrandmother schurch(methodist)andthevalueofalovingsupportive communitycompelledusat9and6tobecomemethodists.foranyone outside,protestanttoprotestantchangeisnotabigdealhoweverevenat6 yearsold;icouldseeadifferenceinwhatwasemphasizedandwhatwas glossedover.differentpeople sviewofg]dwasalreadyintriguingtome. ThusitwasnosurprisetomethatIwasverymovedbythepresentation inthewalkingwithgodclassonislam.ialreadyknewthesimilarities betweenchristianityandislam.ihelpedayoungboyinmysundayschool Class,whowasconfusedbecausehisFatherwasMuslimandhisMotherwas Methodist.WefocusedonwhatwasthesamebetweenChristianityandIslam. OurexperienceintheWalkingwithG]DclassalsointroducedustoIslam,and IwasstruckbyevenmoresimilaritiesbetweenJudaismandIslam.BothJews andmuslimsareabrahamicreligionsandbelieveinonegod.wearingahead coveringispartofreligiousworshipforbothreligions,andjewsvalue Tzdakah(charity)andMuslimszakat(charitytothepoor).Bothhavefood requirements,formuslimsitishalal,andforjewsitiskosher,andtheyare verysimilar. MyoriginalviewsweretheG]doftheHebrewBible(OldTestament).G] disseenascreator(genesis),lawgiver,redeemer(exodus)andcovenant maker.g]dwastakenatliteralvalueandseenanthropomorphizedandlikea parentalfigure.inmyyouthihadmanyreligiousquestionsandthisviewwas notalwayslookedonfavorably.howeverinjudaismquestioningis welcomed.asrabbibenjaminblechstated, Judaismbelievesthattruefaithis notimposed,buttheresultofinquiring. InJudaismquestioningis encouraged;nobelprizewinnerisadorisaacrabiusedtobeaskedbyhis mother, didyouaskanygoodquestionstoday? atschool.ilovethisaspectof beingjewish,itisnotjustaboutbeingtoldanswers.it saboutaskingagood question. ThegiantsofJewishhistorydaredtochallengefundamental religiouspremises(tomejewsarenotfundamentalist)andcametoreligious convictionsafterintellectualstruggle.theresultwasajudaismofchoice 10

11 (RabbiBenjaminBlech).IguessIhadaJewishMentalitybeforeIwasJewish, askingquestions BeforeIconverted,Italkedtomymotheraboutit,fearingshewould haveconcerns.shewiselytoldme, becauseyoucallyourselfachristianora Jew,whenyoupraytoG]ddoeshechange? ThiswalkingwithG]dclasshas taughtmethatalthoughmyperceptuallenschanges,g]dinhebrewbible,g]d inthetalmud,g]dinmidrasha,g]dinhalakah,g]dinkabbalah,g]din Hassidut,orG]dinmodernJewishthought)G]dcanbemanyordifferent thingstoallofus.muchlikerabbibradleyshavitartson, Icannotadheretoa singletheologicalapproachtog]d.toreduceg]dtoonephilosophicalsystem (ontologicalexperienceorexistential)istomissthefullextentofg]d s majesty. However,thewalkingwithG]dclassthatblewmeawayisG]din Kabbalah.NotbecauseithadsomeradicalviewofG]d,as G]dinKabbalahis thesameg]daselsewhereinthejewishtradition (RabbiPinchasGiller). WhatisdifferentisthekabbalistperceptionofreachingandunderstandingG] d.g]demanatesintothephenomenalworld,flowingasdivineenergy.butthis isnotwhatastoundedmeeither.thecreationstoryinkabbalahiswhat amazesme.inagreatcosmicflash,g]dthen condensed intoapointof infiniteenergytzimtzum(contraction)and explodedout inalldirections. Wow,soundsliketheBigBangTheory.TheBigBangTheory,nonotthe sitcom,thetheory.thebigbangtheoryofcosmetologyhasthesameideaof creation,beginningandexpandingoutrapidly.theamazingpartisthatthe BigBangTheorywaspostulatedbyLemaitrein1927andsupportedbyEdwin Hubblein1929.ItjustfeelsliketheKebbalah,whetheryoubelieveitwas writteninthe2 nd or3 rd centurybyrabbishimonbaryochaior11 th century bymoshedeleon,wasaheadofscienceorperhapsisnowbeingsupportedby science. F&Sharon&Lipp * 11

12 Midrash:*A*Way*to*Walk*with*God* MidrashisapowerfulwaytobringGodcloserinmylife. Through&seeking&we& can&walk&with&god. &(Rabbi&Ilana&Grinblat)IfoundMidrashtobeanimportant perspectivethathelpedinformmyunderstandingthedifferentapproachesto Godpresentedintheclass.LearningaboutMidrashalsogavemeanewwayto walkwithgod.,דרש/ Midrashisderivedfromtherootdarash meaning toseek or toinquire of.inthereligioussense,midrashistoseektheresponseofgodinworship andpersonalprayer.typicallymidrashbeginswithacrisis,asksexistential questions,requireshumaninitiative,bringsgodclose,andconcludeswith findingmeaning.forme,theseelementscompriseapowerfulpathtoa meaningfulpartnershipwithgod. MidrashbeginstoappearinRabbinictextsfollowingthedestructionofthe Templein70CE clearlyamonumentalcrisisbothpracticallyand theologically.midrashprovidedtherabbisamechanismtodealwiththe presenceofculturalandreligiousdiscontinuity.iobservedthatthisconcept wasreallypresentinallofthetextsandscholarswestudied:a)withgodand thehebrewbible,thereisthestrugglefornewlanguagetoexpressand understandthenewconceptofgodascreator,giverofcommands,redeemer, andcovenantmaker;b)themedievaljewishphilosopherswerestrivingto interpretandmakesenseoftorahinthecontextofgreco]romanphilosophy andscience;andc)modernthinkersstruggledwithunderstandinggodinthe contextoftheholocaust,rapidtechnologicaladvances,andasociety embracingreligiousfreedom.broadly,ilikethenotionthatmidrashisaway ofresolvingcrisesandreaffirmingtraditionshistoricallyandinthepresent, forscholarsandforindividuals. MidrashbecameapowerfulvehicleforRabbistoaskexistentialquestions aboutgod.today,midrashisstillrelevant,allowingustoaddresstheological questionslike, WhydoesGodnotprotectgoodpeople? and Howdowe maintainfaithinanevilworld? Iliketheideathatengaginginadirected,דרש/ search,darash canhelpuswithourownwrestlingwithgod. 12

13 כב ו יּ ת ר צ צוּ ה בּ נ ים, בּ ק ר בּ הּ, ו תּ אמ ר א ם כּ ן, ל מּ ה זּ ה אָנ כ י; ו תּ ל +, ל ד ר שׁ א ת י הו ה. 22 And the children struggled together within her; and she said: 'If it be so, wherefore do I live?' And she went to inquire of the LORD. כג ו יּ אמ ר י הו ה ל הּ, שׁ נ י ג י ים בּ ב ט נ!, וּשׁ נ י ל א מּ ים, מ מּ ע י! י פּ ר דוּ; וּל א ם מ ל א ם י א מ ץ, ו ר ב י ע ב ד צ ע יר. 23 And the LORD said unto her: Two nations are in thy womb, and two peoples shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger. Genesis*25:22P23* InGenesis25:22,wereadthatRebecca scrisesdrivehertoaskanexistential questionandseekoutgod(lidrosh&et&adonai/ ד ר שׁ א ת י הו ה, OftenintheTorah.(ל Godspeakstothepeople,buthereRebeccatakestheinitiativetoreachoutto God.IfinditveryempoweringthatMidrashplacesgreatimportanceon humaninitiativeasitrelatestothedivine]humanencounter.itfeelrighttome thatourownactionsandcreativityhavetheabilitytocreateacloser relationshipwithgod.inthecourse,iobservedthatrabbisandscholars demonstratedagreatreverenceforgod sgiftoftorahthroughtheir interpretationsofthetexts.weallhavetheabilitytoseek,question,and interpret,therebybecomingactivepartnerswithgodinbringingtorahinto theworld. Rebecca sinquiryleadstoaninteractionwithgod(genesis25:23).oneofthe keytenetsofthemidrashicprocessistobringgodclose.fortherabbis,the aimofmidrashwastogainsomeintimacywiththedifficulttextandtherefore becomecloserwithgod.textsfromthemidrashareclearaboutthechallenge oflivinginaworldwheregodcanfeeldistant.but,ihavelearnedthatthe seekingrepresentsfaithandthattheactionofseekingisapositivestep towardswalkingwithgod. God sresponsetorebeccaprovidedheranexplanationthatlinkedher personalcrisiswiththelargerbiblicalnarrative.rebeccatooksomecomfort inknowingthatherpainwaspartofagreaterpurpose.inasimilarfashion, RabbisdevelopingMidrashwereabletorevealGod]givenmeaningintheir lives.eventhoughgoddidnottakeawayrebecca spain,thereiscomfortin knowingthatgodiswithher.forme,thisisanechoofthefaithoneexhibits intakingtheinitiativeto inquireof God. 13

14 RabbiIlanaGrinblatsummarizeswellhowMidrashisrelevanttome: Throughcreativeinterpretation,wecanuncoverGod spresenceinourlives. WecanfeelGod slovethroughthegiftoftorahandexpressourlovein return.wecanfindcomfortinourstrugglesbydiscoveringahigherpurpose. LikeRebecca,throughseeking,wecan walkwithgod. Forme,Irecognizea beautifulcircle,wearecreatedingod simage,andwecanuseourgodgiven giftstoquestion,seek,interpret,andlearnbringingusclosertogod. F&Tal&Lewin&Wittle& In*search*of*Din*and*Hesed* MyhusbandandImovedtoDurhaminAugust2014andjoinedBethEl Synagogue.WhenIheardaboutRabbiGreyber sclass WalkingwithGod, I thoughtitwasagoodwayforustomeetpeopleandbeinvolvedinjewish study.participatinginthisclasshasgivenmenewinsightintowhatitmeans tohavearelationshipwithgod. IhavealwaysdefinedmyJewishidentitythroughmyreligiousobservances (kashrut,holidays,mitzvot),myaffiliationswithasynagogueandzionist organizations,andmystrongsupportofthestateofisrael.formegod representedanomnipotentpowerintheworld,notsomeonewithwhomi havearelationship. Studyingthetexts,bothancientandmodern,haveprovidedaframeworkfor mynewfoundinsightintothisquest. RabbiAlanaSuskininherwritings GodontheFrontierofJewishThought expressesthisview: Someofushavegravitatedtowardsthetranscendent God,aGodaboveus,disconnectedfromus,Wholooksonlyatthebigpicture, apowerofnature.thistranscendentgodisonewhichemphasizesthedin,or judgmentaspectsofgod;separatenessbinaryopposites,judgingofourselves andothers. RabbiSuskingoesontostatethatjudgmentisnotabadthing,butwithouta balanceofhesed love,connectedness itleadstoaviewofblackandwhite, lackinginshadesofgray. Ibecameawareoftheneedtobalancebothdinandhesed&inmyrelationship withgod bothloveandawe,bothintimacyandrespect. Thejourneyhasbegun.& F&Norma&Gindes& 14

15 Coming*Home* IwasnotraisedJewish;IwasbroughtupintheEpiscopalChurch.From asfarbackasicanremember,ichallengedeverythingiwastaught,notjustin thechurch,butineveryaspectofmylifeandeducation.wheniwasroughly twelveyearsoldibegansearchingforareligioniwasabletoconnectwith, onewhichtrulyresonatedwithme.throughoutmylifeiattendeddifferent ChristianchurchesofvaryingdenominationsasIsearchedforsomewhereI belonged.ienjoyedtheaspectofcommunityifeltwiththemembers,but struggledwhenitcametotheactualservicesandbeliefs.thesermonsbeing presented,rarelyifever,feltliketheyreallyconnectedtowhatibelieved.i wasunabletofindsomethingthatfeltgenuine,thatifelti belonged to,soi begantodisconnectfromreligionasaninstitutionandinsteadconsidered myselfagnostic.thisstruggletofindag]direlatedto,inorganizedreligion, leftmefeelingfrustrated,disheartenedandlikeapartofmewasemptyor missing. Inmylifeoutsideofreligion,Ihavealwaysstrivedtogrow,andlearn, askingquestionsabouteverything.judaism svaluesarecongruentwiththose thatifeelmakeupmymostauthenticself; learn isanactionverb,andlifeis ajourneyfullofgrowth,sprinkledwithquestionsandexploration.makingthe thoughtfuldecisiontoconverttojudaismhasnotbeenaprocessoffindinga religionthatresonateswithme,butrather,offindingmyhome.icanbemy genuine,curious,eager,engagedselfasiexploreg]d,insteadofrejecting thosepartsofmeinanefforttoconformtoareligiouscommunity.ihave finallyfoundaplacewhereibelong,andwheremyenthusiasmtolearnand curiosity,isvaluedinsteadofdismissed.inolongerhavetofightmyself internally,inhopesoffillingareligiousvoid,butinsteadamabletofillthat spacewithwhathasalwaysbeenthere. ItiseasytothinkthatImissedoutonyearsofbelonging,sinceIspent threedecadeswithoutareligioushome,butiamthankfulthatthiswasthe case.itismylongjourneyandmanydifficultiesthathaveactuallybeena privilege.myappreciationforjudaismisimmense,andiamexcitedandeager tocontinuemyspiritualjourney.ifihadbeenbroughtupinthesynagoguei don tthinkiwouldappreciatejudaismasfullyasiinamabletonow.there aremanythingsinmylifethatitakeforgranted,becausetheywerealways there,myconnectiontog]disnotoneofthosethings.becauseofmystruggle, pain,andlongsearchforahome,iamabletorecognizethevalueofthe spiritualconnectioninowhave.mydiscomfortandemptinessiswasagift, 15

16 allowingmetobeevenmorethankfulforwhaticurrentlyhave;withoutlow points,itisdifficulttotrulyappreciatethehighpoints;fortheretobelight, theremustalsobedarkness.throughthisawareness,icannowbegrateful forthefuturestrugglesiwillface,andseethemasgrowingopportunities,to strengthen,rise,andfurthercultivatemyreligiousconnection.ihavefinally foundahome. FSusannah&Bell& God*in*the*Beauty*of*Nature** * * F&Gail&Grossman** 16