Unnecessary Suffering: When Christians Abuse

Transcription

1 Unnecessary Suffering: When Christians Abuse Me? Obey Him? is a book written by Elizabeth Rice Handford about the role of a Christian wife. Handford said, She is to obey her husband as if he were God himself. She can be as certain of God s will, when her husband speaks, as if God had spoken audibly from heaven! (p. 28) Her husband, a Baptist pastor, enthusiastically supported his wife s opinion. Handford s beliefs are based on Ephesians 5:22-24, from one of the letters written by Paul in the New Testament of the Christian Bible. Handford also speaks of the presence of abuse in a marriage to an unbelieving husband. She counsels the woman to obey him even if he seems to delight in torturing her, that there is no other way to win an unsaved husband except the way God has ordained... (p. 39) In essence, the woman is told she is suffering for righteousness sake. Me? Obey Him? was written in Does anyone still teach these destructive doctrines? Unfortunately, the answer is Yes. Me? Obey Him? has sold more than 600,000 copies and continues to get many positive reviews. Other Christian leaders teach this as well. For example, on September 17, 2017, Pastor Stephen J. Cole posted an article called Wives, Submit? Seriously? on Bible.org. He said this: A godly wife may need to endure some sinful verbal abuse, such as put-downs, name-calling, or cursing, if her husband is not a Christian (this is the clear implication of 1 Peter 3: 1-6)... But if he is threatening her with physical abuse or death, she needs to move with any children to a place of safety and get some godly counsel. Why does Cole make a distinction between verbal and physical abuse? Both can destroy a woman or child s soul. These Christian leaders show a marked ignorance of the dynamics of domestic violence. They don t represent the will and heart of our Savior, Jesus Christ, regarding this complex and counterintuitive issue. Their counsel is ill-advised and cruel, especially since it is couched in religious terms. When a battered woman goes to church leaders and tells them that her husband is abusing her, she is often not believed, especially if the abuser is a member of the church. If these leaders talk to the husband and he denies or minimizes what is happening, they often believe his self-report. This is problematic. Lundy Bancroft explains why in his book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. He is a pioneer and expert in the treatment of male offenders, and reports that skillful control, deceit and manipulation are inherent to their pattern of abuse. (pp ) When it s hard to know what or who to believe, it s better to err on the side of caution and believe the victim. Church leaders often make the mistake of trying to counsel the husband and wife together. If they do this, the wife is not likely to tell the full truth of what is happening behind closed doors, afraid her husband will punish her for disclosing the extent of his abuse. Yet even if church leaders do believe the wife s accounts of the abuse, they are also likely to tell her that keeping her marriage intact is more important than her safety and well-being, and that of any children. She is often counseled to forgive, return and do a better job of submitting to her husband. This counsel is not Biblical; it could cost that woman and child their lives. How extensive is violence towards women? Consider these statistics: - Every nine seconds in the U.S. a woman is assaulted or beaten. - Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family. - Studies suggest that up to ten million children witness some form of domestic violence annually. - Every day in the U.S., more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. (These statistics are presented verbatim from the website: domesticviolencestatistics.org) - Abuse is present in at least 25 percent of Christian homes. (Chuck Colson, christianheadlines.com, Domestic Violence within the Church: The Ugly Truth. ) - 85% of victims of domestic violence are women. (Alanna Vagianos, Huffington Post, 30 shocking domestic violence statistics that remind us it s an epidemic. )

2 What types of things happen to women? When they open up, they will tell you about such things as being shoved, slapped, forced to view and imitate pornography, raped, strangled, drug across the room by their hair, beaten on every part of their body, verbally demeaned, called filthy names and threatened with death. These shocking and tragic things happen to their children as well. Abuse includes destroying property, hitting walls and other threatening acts. The message is clear: Either obey me implicitly or you will suffer the same. Perhaps you re familiar with the #metoo campaign on Twitter where women are speaking up and exposing sexual abuse, particularly by men in a position of trust and power. Their accounts are tragic. Even one act of abuse and betrayal can ruin a woman s life. Two young women initiated another effort called #churchtoo. Church leaders would do well to spend some time on this Twitter stream, to better understand the severe damage that occurs when Christians abuse. I ve known Jesus for more than 40 years. He is at the center of my life and I want to do his will. I ve studied the dynamics of control, abuse and exploitation in-depth, along with the overriding facets of freedom. This has occurred through focused coursework while earning a bachelor s degree in communication, independent research, seminars, serving on the boards of two related nonprofits and victim s advocacy training. Abuse occurs in every sphere of life. As Christians, we are called to reach out on Love s behalf to help the most vulnerable among us. Each Christian tends to emphasize different passages in the Old and New Testament. Yet to interpret the teachings of any part of the Bible, we must ask ourselves What would Jesus say or do in this type of situation? Unfortunately, in efforts to help those in need, particularly in gender-related matters, Christians can be guilty of dissecting what they believe the Bible says to the point of ignoring both compassion and common sense. We don t need to be Bible scholars to understand Christ s heart and how we can be like Him. He lived what love is. This is our definitive standard. Jesus is God Incarnate, His Word made flesh. And God is love. Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and set them free. This is God s will. As Jesus declared in a synagogue in His home town at the beginning of His ministry, it is why He came to earth. (Luke 4:16-19) Oppressed, captive, heartbroken this certainly describes any battered wife or child. Jesus doesn t want us to suffer at the hands of a family member or someone in a position of trust. He wants to heal us and set us free. Jesus reached out with power and compassion to the disenfranchised, disease-ridden, demonized, wounded and weak. In contrast, He forcefully denounced religious leaders who were arrogant, merciless and hypocritical. He came to stop abuse. How is it even conceivable that He would counsel a person to allow it to continue if it is preventable? Our Triune God is not honored by unnecessary suffering. The Word of God is not meant to be used as a weapon. It is meant to point us to Christ, who said: You search the Scriptures because you think in them that you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness to me; yet you refuse to come to me that you might have life. (John 5:39-40) It is relationship with Jesus, not religion, which heals our broken hearts and sets us free. What Jesus taught us about Christian leadership and submission. Jesus said, You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and their great men flaunt their authority over those under them. But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must become your slave. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:42-45) How did Christ regard child abuse? He said, If anyone causes one of these little ones to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. (Matthew 18:6) It s clear that Jesus took child abuse very seriously. Surely this also applies to the suffering that battered women, the homeless, mentally ill, trafficked or any other vulnerable population endures. Are men and women equal in the eyes of our Creator? In the marriage relationship, and in the Family of God, his sons and daughters are fully and forever equal in our rights and inheritances. (Galatians 3:28) Women and men are both needed to create and sustain life. Together they reflect God s complete image.

3 This view seems to be portrayed in the best-selling novel and movie called The Shack, written by William P. Young. In part, The Shack eloquently addresses one of the most common obstacles to faith: Why does God allow suffering in this world? Papa, or God the Father, is portrayed as a mature, patient and kind black woman. This seems consistent with the ways God is sometimes described in the Bible, such as: El Shaddai, the breasted one. ( The name and attributes of God. myredeemerlives.com) Shortly before He died, Jesus told the people of Jerusalem that He wanted to gather their children like a mother hen gathers her chicks under her wings. (Matthew 23:37) God longs to connect with us and will use words and ways that are uniquely meaningful to us. At the beginning of history, God created man and woman. They enjoyed a wonderful and intimate relationship with their Creator, until they used their free will to sin and hide from God. They chose pride and self-will rather than trust and put themselves under a curse rather than blessing. Part of the curse was the patriarchal construct where man ruled over woman. It was not God s best. (Genesis 3:14-19) Mutual submission, honor and sacrificial love is Plan A. Jane Hansen-Hoyt, the CEO of Aglow, an international women s organization that is in more than 170 nations, said this: No longer can we allow the enemy and the world to define who we are as women and men... We will allow God to bring us back to His original design: male and female together expressing His image in the earth. This is God s purpose for the church, His plan from the beginning; it is the foundational structure God chose for His church. Because of that, the enemy will fight hardest against reconciliation between the genders. Humility, mutual respect and teamwork are pathways to healing, freedom and peace. Jesus loved, respected and honored women. We are to follow the example of Jesus. Throughout His earthly ministry, He rebuked those who treated him in a disrespectful way. He does not want women to let people disrespect them either. We need to speak up and resist any form of evil. We need to step up and use our God-given talents, gifts and wisdom to their fullest potential, becoming all that God intended us to be. We can t do that if we are captive to the will of an abusive husband rather than the will of God. If a man or women is harmed by a stranger, they would likely call the police and if possible, the aggressor would be arrested, put in jail, tried and convicted. He would not be allowed to continue to abuse. Yet often battered women are counseled to put up with abuse for many, many years. How can God be honored by this kind of injustice? Martin Luther King Jr. said this: Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love. Our God embodies power, justice and love and wants us to be like Him. King understood this. As a Baptist pastor and primary spokesperson for the civil rights movement, his faith and understanding of God s nature directed his words and actions. Along with men, women were also essential to resisting oppression and changing our nation. They still are. Perhaps the most poignant example of Jesus s love for women is His relationship with His mother Mary. She is a woman of dignity and strength. She freely agreed to do God s will on earth. She had the joy of birthing our Lord and Savior into life and the soul-piercing grief of watching his horrific death. Other women were beside her, along with John, who also followed Christ. Even while on the cross, in excruciating pain, Jesus asked John to care for his mother after His death. Surely Christ deeply loves and respects his mother, yet He is no respecter of persons. (Luke 8:20-21) He adores each of us as well. Meeting each other at the foot of the cross. Important elements of choosing compassion and justice are facing the ways that we ve harmed ourselves and others, particularly our children, by the things we say and do and the things that we don t do. Women can t blame men for their own choices and men cannot blame women. We need to take responsibility for our own words and actions. Compassion is suffering alongside another human being, not because of them. Sin is real, a very serious matter. God is just and eternal death is the price for our sins. We can t pay that price on our own. Our only hope is that someone will step in and pay that price for us and Jesus did. At the very end of his life, Jesus allowed himself to be stripped, violated, beaten and killed, paying the price for our sins once and for all. And by His stripes, we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

4 Jesus lived and died so we could understand the incredible depths of His love. He rose from the dead so we can turn to him in our need. He is very much alive. His desire is to heal and restore, not to abuse and destroy. If we believe in him, ask him to forgive our sins and begin to get to know him, we will not only have a new life now, we will enjoy eternal life with him when we die. Jesus is not suffering on that cross anymore. He certainly doesn t expect a woman to let her abuser, and the evil he represents, have his way with her or her children. The beginning of the end of bondage. Women are daughters of the Lord of the Universe and He loves his daughters as much as He loves his sons. Beginning to believe this truth is the beginning of the end of bondage. People can assist a woman in her journey to freedom yet she has to take the necessary steps. It s typically very hard for a battered woman to face the realities of her life, including the responsibility to protect her child. She is often torn between an awareness of the danger and a belief that everything will be OK in time: thinking that somehow her faith will counteract her abuser s free will. A wife typically leaves and returns to her abusive husband a number of times. This can be confusing to those who try to help her. A battered women can be urged to create a safety plan to help her work her way through her confusion, pain and fear. This detailed plan would include: learning all that she can about the cycle and dynamics of domestic violence; researching community resources; gathering documents such as financial records and birth certificates; and saving money. It s not safe for her to share this plan with her abuser(s). Before she leaves, the woman needs to be strong enough and ready to follow through on her plan. She needs to line up assistance from safe people. Why? A woman, Christian or not, is 70 times more likely to be murdered by her partner in the first few weeks she leaves him than at any other time in their relationship. (Alanna Vagianos, Huffington Post, 30 Shocking domestic violence statistics that remind us it s an epidemic. ) If God is for us, who can be against us? James and Phyllis Alsdurf wrote the book Battered into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home. It is an excellent resource for understanding this issue. Here is one wife s story: I would never in my wildest nightmares dream that my husband would ever abuse me, but he did. I took our two-month-old son and fled after the fourth time my husband struck me. My husband is a Christian, but his rage at things was unreal and it doesn t take much to end a human life when one is in an uncontrollable rage. I received counsel that it was my duty to stay and suffer for Jesus s sake... I stayed with him then, misapplying Scriptures of how I was to act. I accepted what he did or didn t do and just tried to work on me, doing what was right. (p. 65) The Alsdurfs do not share the rest of her story. Did she protect herself and her son? Did she continue to believe that she needed to stay and suffer? What happened to her faith? So often an abused woman or child blame God and turn away from him when those in a position of trust hurt them. This grieves God s heart. Yet He s not like an abusive husband who forces his wife to do his will. God waits and continues to reach out to her. He hopes that she will turn to him in times of need, let him love her and show her how to love herself. What is love? How much does Jesus care about each of us? Space doesn t allow for all of the amazing examples of love from his life, death and resurrection. For example, He performed miracles, fed the hungry, healed the sick and infirm, and taught truth on God s behalf. These acts of love had nothing to do with gender, age or life circumstances. Jesus doesn t play favorites; He loves all of us. Women played a key role in his work on earth, before, during and after his death. As mentioned, Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit and born of a woman, Mary; man did not factor into that. Jesus interacted with women in unique and personalized ways throughout his ministry. Some traveled with him and his disciples and provided for them out of their own resources. And after his death, Jesus first appeared to a woman named Mary Magdalene. It was a sweet encounter. Then He told her to go tell the others that He was alive.

5 Jesus understands how we feel and He is with us. He wants us to experience our own resurrection, in this life and the life to come. He is not honored by unnecessary suffering. God wants the hurting to stop. There is room for mercy and understanding for any man, woman, or child at any stage of the cycle. But truth must be faced, and responsible action must be taken. The change must be real. A woman can begin to experience freedom and peace on the inside long before those things are mirrored in a new life. Jesus said, Peace I leave with you. My peace I give you... Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27) He also promised that after his death, the Holy Spirit would come. The Spirit is called a Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener and Standby, (John 14:16-17) all that we need. While traveling on the underground railroad of our soul, we can keep our inner compass fixed on the freedom that the north represents, and the Holy Spirit will be with us every moment of this journey. Jesus is Lord in a woman s life. If a woman followed Handford s direction, she would be making an idol of her husband even a god and of course, that is forbidden. The first of the Ten Commandments says: You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3) Any woman, including a battered wife, has the right, ability and responsibility to seek God, interpret the Bible and make decisions about her life and future. This includes the decision of whether or not to stay in an abusive marriage, separate or divorce. Christ said not to call any man on earth our master. (Matthew 23:9-10) Surely it s better to order our lives in the context of equality, safety and love. God hates divorce and the things that cause it. (Malachi 2:13-16) The saddest outcome is the long term confusion and pain for a child who is bonded to both parents and cannot understand what is happening or why. Yet there are many things that are worse than divorce. Ask any wife who is subject to sadistic sexual practices and other forms of violence and abuse, and watches her child endure the same. A child is harmed when he or she witnesses or experiences abuse. We need to stand beside victims of violence as they make heart-rending decisions about their life and future. Women s advocates may claim that a belief in a patriarchal construct is the reason abuse exists and flourishes. But of course, not all males in a patriarchal system approve of this type of rhetoric or counsel women or children to put up with abuse. They may be very kind, benevolent leaders. However, at the root of a patriarch s claim to authority over women is the belief that God has ordained a power differential and that men are better or more appropriate leaders than women. We are called to lead by circumstances based on human need, not gender. Who are we called to serve and how does Jesus want us to do that? First and foremost, we need to obey Him. Many Christian men presume to forbid women to take the role of pastor, preach or teach, or participate in any significant decision-making in the church. Yet in any congregation, there are typically more women than men. Male leaders often do not understand women or their needs. So if women don t step up and use their God-given talents, gifts and wisdom to their fullest potential, these patriarchal beliefs cripple the quality and effectiveness of the overall ministry of the church. A woman is typically in the center of a family and a home, with unique and indispensable things to offer. In the Family of God, youth need both mother and father figures to meet their needs. If a church is led solely by males, then surely it would be a respectful and wise decision to at least have a Board of Advisers who are women. Each man or woman, youth or child, deserves respect, validation and freedom to be all that we are in Christ all that He meant us to be. We need to get out of each other s way and use our resources to go after the wounded and the lost, the battered and bruised, the confused and helpless those whom Christ came to earth to serve and to save. They are suffering and dying while we worry about gender roles and power plays. Surely there s a better way. It is the truth that sets us free. As stated before, we must be committed to facing the ugly, counterintuitive truths inherent to domestic violence. Wishful thinking and the misapplication of Scripture can entrap a woman and her child in a painful, soul-destroying

6 and even deadly situation. As we help family members, our default position must be to believe, shelter and support the victims. We need to err on the side of caution the side of love. What is the place of forgiveness in the process? So often women are told to immediately forgive and return to their abusers, as if forgiveness alone will heal their broken hearts and homes. The first steps in dealing with domestic violence are sustained safety, true repentance, accountability and justice. The act of truly forgiving ourselves and others takes time and is not a replacement for the others. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a pastor and theologian, said that forgiveness that is merely intellectual assent, a doctrine, is cheap grace. He said, Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, communion without confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate. (The Cost of Discipleship pp ) Is it possible to forgive at a deep and powerful level? The answer is Yes. Forgiveness is both a choice and a gift. It is also a requirement for those who take the name of Jesus and accept his love and forgiveness for their own sins. We are to be like Him. There are many benefits to us as well. Instead of being stuck in the past, forgiveness allows us to stop being hurt over and over again by the memory of what happened. We can finally let go of the pain and be at peace. A clear mind and heart will help us choose safe companions and leaders in the future, those who share our values and beliefs or are at least tolerant of them. We will find those who know how to love and will love them in return. An abusive man can change, yet it is a difficult, long-term process. Lundy Bancroft outlines ten steps toward this end, including: taking full responsibility for his actions; demonstrating empathy and respect for the victim; renouncing control, entitlement and special privileges; making amends; and accepting that it may take a very long time before his loved ones can trust him again, if ever. (Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. (pp ) In spite of the danger of living with an abusive husband, a battered wife may still face strong opposition from others if she decides to leave and start a new life. They may believe that she and her children should stay in the marriage and keep trying to work things out. If that is the case, these leaders need to be challenged to get down to the level of those boys and girls, look them in the eyes and tell them that it is God s will that their mother stays with a daddy who continues to hurt them. There are so many children-turned-adults who have left the church and their Christian faith due to the behavior of those who seemed unconcerned about their bondage and broken hearts. It is tragic when they are no longer open to a relationship with Jesus due to the words and actions of those who take His name yet promote unnecessary suffering abuse that is avoidable and counter to his will. They are unlikely to return until Christians show a more humane and Christ-like approach to domestic violence. Should a Christian woman obey an abusive husband? Surely Jesus, He who is called the Lover of our Souls, is grieved that we think this conversation is even necessary.