I am thoughtful, considerate, and calm in dealing with others. Philippians 4:5 - Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

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1 Gentleness I am thoughtful, considerate, and calm in dealing with others. Philippians 4:5 - Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Assessment statements I consider my own shortcomings when faced with the failures of others. I am known as a person who is sensitive to the needs of others. I am known for not raising my voice. I allow people to make mistakes. Other related indicators #40,#70 - indicators related to Peace I am not angry with God, himself/herself/myself, or others. I forgive people who deeply hurt him/her/me. #42 - indicators related to Kindness/goodness I am known as a person who speaks words of kindness to those in need of encouragement. #45 - indicators related to Self-control I do not burst out toward others in anger. #101 - indicator related to Patience I keep my composure even when people or circumstances irritate me. #17, #77 - indicators related to Grace: About Humanity I believe that each person possesses a sinful nature and is in need of God s forgiveness. I believe all people are loved by God; therefore, I, too, should love them. #23, #83, #113 - indicators related to Groups: Conflict Resolution I seek resolution of conflict in my relational world. When handling relational conflict, I avoid practices such as stuffing my emotions or going to another person first. Love is my consistent motivation for seeking resolution of conflict. 1

2 Gentleness Understanding Gentleness In ancient, secular Greek: Used of persons or things which have in them a certain soothing quality. They are used of words which will soothe a man when he is in a state of anger, bitterness and resentment against life. They are used of the gentleness which comes into the tone of the voice of a lover. They are used of gentleness of conduct, especially in the case and on the part of people who had it in their power to act otherwise. Cyrus the Persian king is described as gentile and forgiving of human errors, because he acted kindly towards an officer who had failed in an allotted task. Xenophon uses these words for the kindly and patient way in which an officer trained and treated an awkward squad of soldiers. He also uses them for the firm yet sympathetic way in which a horseman trains and disciplines a high-spirited horse. One of the characteristic uses of these words is to describe the right attitude and atmosphere which should prevail in any argument in which questions are being posed and answers demanded and given. So Socrates in The Republic thanks Thrasymachus that he has left off scolding, and has become gentle. The words are regularly used of animals which have been tamed, and which have learned to accept discipline and control. Thus, it describes a horse obedient to the reins, a dog trained to obey the word of command. The most characteristic use of it is to describe the character in which strength and gentleness go together, are perfectly combined. Aristotle says that it is the mean between excessive anger and excessive angerlessness. This is the man who has just the right amount of anger in his make-up. It is the man who feels anger on the right grounds, and against the right persons, and in the right manner, and at the right moment, for the right length of time. But at all times he will err on the side of forgiveness rather than on the side of anger. In the New Testament: In the New Testament, gentleness is sometimes paired with love and is set opposite of punishment. In 1 Corinthians 4:21, Paul says, What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love and with a gentle spirit? Related is Galatians 6:1, Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. Correction can be given in a way which entirely discourages a man and which drives him to depression and to despair; and correction can be given in a way which sets a man upon his feet with the determination to and the hope of doing better. Gentleness is the spirit which makes correction a stimulant and not a depressant, a means to hope and not a cause of despair. In the New Testament, gentleness is also paired with a characteristic that is itself translated gentleness or meekness. It has to do with the quality which knows when to forget and to relax the law and to deal with others, not in law, but in mercy and in love. In 2 Corinthians 10:1 Paul says, By the meekness and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you. 2

3 Gentleness More than once it is connected with lowliness and humility. Jesus described Himself by saying, I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:29,30). Related, is the sense in James 1:21 where he says, humbly accept the word planted in you. This describes a spirit in which one is humble enough to know that he does not know, which can open the mind to the truth, and the heart to the love of God. 1 Peter 3:15 says, Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect Here it characterizes a gracious gentleness that is far more effective than the discourteous kind of witness which tries to ram its opinions down other people s throats. 1 Peter also pairs gentleness with quietness: Your beauty should not come from outward adornment... Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God s sight (1 Peter 3:3,4). Resources Chapter 8 in Henry Cloud and John Townsend s How People Grow on Open Spaces: The Power of Acceptance Chapter 9 in Henry Cloud and John Townsend s How People Grow on Getting to the Warmth of Forgiveness The Anger Workbook by Les Carter Fruit of the Spirit Bible Studies; Gentleness: The Strength of Being Tender by Phyllis J. Le Peau Chapter 5 in Stephen Covey s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People on Principles of Empathic Communication Teaching Your Children Sensitivity by Linda and Richard Eyre (complete with information and exercises for adults as well) Connecting by Larry Crabb Chapter 6 in John Ortberg s The Life You ve Always Wanted on Appropriate Smallness: The Practice of Servanthood 3

4 Community Christian Church message tapes: # Overcoming Spiritual Procrastination # Get A Life That Really Lives: Give Up Self-Centered Living # Selflessness # What Kids Wish Their Parents Knew About Parenting: We Need You to Listen #012697, #020997, # the All About Anger series #03892 He Practiced Servanthood # Give Yourself Away # Practice Loving Others # Control Your Temper # Control Anger Scripture: Proverbs 15:1 Matthew 5:21-26 Matthew 7:1-5 Matthew 7:12 Matthew 18:21-35 Mark 12:31 Luke 6:38 Romans 2:1-4 Romans 15:7 Philippians 2:5-11 James 5:16 1 Peter 3:3,4 Gentleness Practices Develop the habits of service As we master the skills of seeing, of listening, of sensitivity and empathy, we develop the habits of service. The skills and habits that lead us to acts of service and the feelings that constitute love and sensitivity are like chicken and egg (Linda and Richard Eyre, Teaching Your Children Sensitivity). Look at Linda and Richard Eyre s formula for sensitivity, determine the weakest areas in which you need to begin work, and develop a game plan for it: understanding + observing + feeling + communication + doing = sensitivity Deliberately move toward the person or group of people with whom you are not gentle - serve them, get to know and understand them. Discuss with your spouse, children, or close friends, ways of correcting or managing conflict with them that will encourage them and leave them with the hope of doing better, as opposed to discouraging them. 4

5 Spend time in self-examination - looking for the presence of self-elevating pride. Seek assistance in holding firm to any commitments that you have made to deal with this through an accountability relationship (see the Community Christian Church resource Becoming the Person You Always Wanted to be Through Accountability ) Practice the discipline of confession. Practice observing/listening with your eyes and your heart. Look at characteristics of the person, subtle messages in facial expressions, feelings that lay behind their words and actions, etc. Look into his or her eyes. Practice turning your eye into a camera shutter. When in public, take eye snapshots of people you pass, looking intently at their faces and fixing them in your mind. Practice interpreting and analyzing the face. What is he or she feeling? What is their need? Practice reading faces. Practice seeing humor in life. Particularly, learn to laugh at yourself. Gentleness Spend extended periods of time watching your children (in a background, not-interrupting kind of way). What interests the child? How does he or she approach different situations? How does he or she react to others? What might they be feeling? Think about what you see. Make notes. Practice asking the right questions before giving expression to your anger (or, in the aftermath, use them to evaluate your actions in a particular situation): Is it for the right reason? against the right person? in the right manner? at the right moment? for the right length of time? Keep a journal. Description is the fruit of observation. Regularly describe your experiences, ideas, and feelings. Particularly with those closest to you, with whom you are least sensitive, try sitting down with pen in hand and visualizing the relationship you want with that person in five years. Describe on paper what you visualize, how you see yourself listening and understanding. Read the description over every month or so, gradually programming yourself into the right relationship you want to have. Practice congruence, the ability both to know and admit how you feel. Regularly ask yourself questions like: How am I feeling right now? What are the sources of this feeling? Get specific. How do I feel about the boss decision? How do I feel about five o clock on Friday when my weekend begins? Practice separating negative feelings about people s behavior from sensitive love for them. 5

6 Practice concern. Practice saying to yourself, I want to know what this person is feeling (and mean it). Then try to determine, What is he or she feeling right now? Engage in the ministry of the mundane by taking advantage of the countless daily opportunities to assist others. If it will help you begin to recognize these, reserve space in your planner or journal for recording mundane ministry accomplished each day. Schedule days of secret service when you will simply be available to your family and entirely interruptible, finding reasons for gratitude instead of resentment in the midst of it. Practice the ministry of holding your tongue, not allowing yourself to say everything that occurs to you. Practice the ministry of bearing. More than simply tolerating people, learn to hear God speak through them. Learn to be for them. Learn that the most difficult person that you have to deal with is yourself. Learn to wish others well. Release your right to chastize or hurt them back. Enlist the help of others who, along with you, will pray that the Spirit will produce this fruit in you. Do a word study of prautes, gentleness. Gentleness 6