Conflict: Some Ways Out

Transcription

1 Conflict: Some Ways Out Dealing with Unsafe or Dangerous People The Role of Forgiveness in Conflict A case study: the Prodigal Son Some Basic Principles

2 Unsafe or Dangerous People Use manipulation, threat, fear or force, to get their way Ignore our stated wishes, devalue us, Twist our words Influence us negatively Take advantage we are always on the losing end Make us uncomfortable (feelings may be valid) Demand trust and loyalty - loyalty must subordinate even to truth and integrity Any kind of challenge or questioning is disloyal Persuade us that the world we are experiencing is normal When evil is involved, it s our little secret they say

3 Dealing with Unsafe or Dangerous People Say No and mean it. May have to say it more than once Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. Prov 22: 24,25 Set Safe boundaries and enforce them Do not explain - I have the right to make that decision. Don t give advice or instruction "Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult incurs abuse. Prov 9:7

4 Don t let them intimidate you. Pray often Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe. Prov 29:25 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. Prov 18:10 Get support Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. Ecc 4:12 I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. Romans 16:17 Adapted from a sermon by Gord Martin, 2010

5 Forgive and Forget Forgive Yes Yes Freedom For Both No Hidden Wounds Forget No Trust Issues Bitterness Bondage BF Dec 2010

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7 Forgiveness: Command and Condition Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph 4:31,32 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matt 6:12-15 NOT Optional!

8 Forgiveness 490 IS A decision Necessary Giving up getting even Difficult IS NOT Ignoring Excusing Forgetting

9 Case study: Prodigal Son Luke 15 What lead to the issues? How does James 4:1-3 apply? What is the role of Forgiveness? Who is most like God in this parable? Who are we most like in this parable? How can we apply what we have learned?

10 Constructive and Destructive Approaches to Conflict Resolution* Constructive Area of Concern Destructive Raise and clarify ISSUES Bring up old issues Express both positive and negative FEELINGS Express only negative Complete and honest INFORMATION Selective info Concentrate on issue FOCUS Concentrate on person Accept mutual blame BLAME Blame other(s) Focus on similarities PERCEPTION Focus on differences Facilitate change, avoid stagnation CHANGE Minimize change, increase conflict Win/win Wholeness Peace OUTCOME Win/lose Escalation Blood on the floor Increase intimacy by resolving INTIMACY Decrease intimacy by escalating Builds trust ATTITUDE Creates suspicion When to use BEFORE engaging How to use this tool Evaluate each of the issues shown in the bipolar pairings. Chances for Resolution and Restoration are enhanced when: The number and intensity of constructive approaches is INCREASED The number and intensity of destructive approaches is DECREASED Your assessment of the situation and the personalities involved will guide you on which approaches to start with. Try to achieve some early successes to gain participant buy-in and build positive momentum. MANAGING a conflict Assessing AFTERMATH DAMAGE CONTROL RECINCILIATION RESTORATION *Adapted from Olson & Olson: p. 56, Empowering Couples, 2000, Minneapolis, Life Innovations No relationship is exempt from destruction when conflict is mismanaged. Gordon MacDonald

11 Rules of Thumb for Dealing with Conflict If You Are the Offended Party Be slow to anger Acknowledge the anger Share it privately Handle it directly Give the person a chance to share facts and feelings Think through your goals Blocked goal? Is it really a goal if it can be blocked? Take responsibility for proper goal(s) and priorities Express negative feeling ONLY if doing so serves a good purpose Attack the problem not the person Do NOT play the BLAME Game Suggest possible, realistic solutions Do not attribute motives Do not compare to others Do not raise your voice Share only one complaint (no dumping) Mention positive points too Do not sideswipe Consider it all character development Don t let the sun go down on your anger Use James 4:1-3 as a checklist Never do what you cannot ask God to bless Closure: Was the issue resolved? What actions are each responsible for? Will there be follow up? If You Offend Affirm the other person s anger Acknowledge your own defensiveness Evaluate your own behaviour objectively What was the goal in that behaviour? Look at the person as s/he speaks Give him/her a chance to complete the charge Accept responsibility for legitimate offences Ask for forgiveness Make restitution if there is a material consequence Resolve not to commit the same offence again Affirm the importance of the relationship If You are the Referee Get both parties to agree to the guidelines above Control the agenda (keep discussion confined) Keep others out of it Manage the sharing of air time Focus on the problem, not personalities Establish ground rules regarding Language, etc. Keep the discussion objective (vs. emotional) OK to talk about emotions but not BE emotional Do not take sides Establish basis for mutual motivation Recognize challenge but be optimistic

12 Heavenly Father, Prayer we know that you are the God of Peace and that we are broken people who have been redeemed by your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord, the Prince of Peace. We know how easy it is to offend or take offence whether intentionally or not. But we know that your desire for the Body of Christ is Unity in the bond of Love. Please help us to be of one mind with Jesus and to live in a way that glorifies you and demonstrates that we are faithful followers of Jesus Christ. We cannot do this without the love and grace we get from your Holy Spirit as we recognize that forgiven people forgive. God, may you get the glory because of the finished work of Christ on the Cross. Amen.