Why Do Preacher s Kids Walk Away From The Church?

Transcription

1 Why Do Preacher s Kids Walk Away From The Church? One of the sad realities as a church leader is the fact that many preachers kids grow up ignoring or even hating the church. I don t know about you, but I can t think of anything more discouraging than trying to serve God while your kids do everything they can to stay away from ministry. I have counseled pastors who are broken hearted because their children live lives opposite to what they have been taught. Why do so many preachers kids walk away from the faith. Several factors we should discuss today. The first reason: Absentee fathers. Surprised? Pastor s kids are forced to share their father with other people. Far too many pastors allow the ministry to become their mistress. Whenever she (the ministry) calls, he drops everything to be with her. This is major, particularly if you are bi-vocational. Ministering to other peoples needs often means that pastors are not around for their own families. Due to scheduling, evenings can get used up with mid-week church meetings, counseling sessions, budget meetings, etc. The kids stay home with mom. As they grow up, they get used to dad being absent from the home. They resent that you care for others but ignore them. Obviously, that is not in your heart, but that is what they see. Whenever ministry calls, you drop all other plans and rush to take care of someone else. As a church leader, you are called to be an example to your church. When we hear that as leaders we cringe a little bit. We do an inventory to see if we are praying enough, studying enough and acting like Christ enough. That is all fine, but think of it a different way. If you are called to be an example to the flock, one of the best ways to do that is being present for your family. Your kids ought to know you as dad, not pastor. They ought to know that you ve got their back; that you re interested in what is happening in their lives.

2 How do you do that? I have an amazing strategy that works every time. Ask them!! Ask them how they are doing; what is happening at school. Use open ended questions like, what do you think about this issue or what do you feel about what so and so said. Use all your power to not comment on their opinions or judge them for their choices. Instead of responding by saying, Your wrong when you disagree, listen carefully and thoughtfully. If you must comment, ask a question like have you considered this possibility Much depends on their age, but our job as parents is to prepare our kids for adulthood. By 18 they should be fully capable of making their own decisions. They won t be if you are always overruling them or criticizing their choices. Malcolm X, Jessica Simpson, Denzel Washington, Arsenio Hall, Alice Cooper and Katy Perry were all preachers kids. In the case of Denzel and Alice Cooper, the foundations of their faith have more and more shaped their recent life decisions. So what are other reasons preachers kids lose their way? Another is something we preachers seldom pay attention to. Many preachers kids hate the church because of how it treated their parents. Does that surprise you? One of the down sides of ministry is that people say and do mean things. They critique your sermons; make hurtful remarks about your clothes or car or house and even your kids. Christian people can be mean as the devil at times. As a pastor, you learn to absorb these things. You know that wounded people usually wound other people. You don t take it personally; at least I hope you don t.

3 Your children see and hear all this. They pay particular attention to how it affects you. Over time, they see a pattern. Everything the church does to my parents hurts them, impoverishes them, stresses them so all the preaching and teaching is ignored. The real message of the church is attack my parents. Proverbs talks about those who are wounded as having bars up that are nearly impenetrable. These bars are formed by seeing their parents attacked again and again and having nothing to show for it. Pastors are paid poorly and that means the family also must sacrifice. My own children did not grow up with the fanciest clothes or nicest things. Because of the debts we incurred that I share about in episode one, vacations were nonexistent. They saw first-hand, people attack my character and spread slander and lies about our marriage. Today, my kids and their spouses serve with me in the ministry. Many people ask me how we did it. We didn t. I was not a wonderful, easy going Dad. I wasn t Mr. Smiley or Mr. Fun and games all time. God did give me a secret however, early on that I will share with you in a moment. Preacher s kids often disconnect from the church when they see how people treat their parents. A minute ago I mentioned that Katy Perry is a preacher s kid. Honestly, I wouldn t recognize Katy Perry if she rang my doorbell; Hollywood holds no fascination for me, but by chance I came upon a video on YouTube that is very telling. A Christian woman came to the home of Katy Perry s father the preacher with her not so hidden phone camera rolling. For the next several minutes, she spilled out the most vicious attack against him you could ever imagine, rebuking him because of the lack of Christian faith in his daughter. He handled it as gracefully as possible, but it was amazing how vicious this woman was. He then asked her about her own son, whom she admitted also does not serve Christ and blamed his daughter for it; that she led him to Satan.

4 The video is one the most amazing pieces of irony I have ever seen. She attacks this pastor like a barn yard dog and heaps condemnation on him for how his grown daughter acts. In addition, she has the audacity to blame her own son s lack of faith on him and thinks this video is doing for the glory of God. Wow. These are the fruits, flakes and nuts that we often are called to minister to. Here s a question: Do you think it is possible that this woman s actions are the very reason she wants nothing to do with Christianity at this time in her life? Just asking. Our kids see how people treat us. How can we fight this? One of the ways sounds trite, but is not easy. You need to commit yourself to forgiveness in your home. My wife and I would acknowledge the attack, the rumor or the slander and first make sure our kids got the facts. Second, I would just shut down ongoing conversations about what they did or what they said. As long as you keep discussing it, your attacker is renting space in your head and ruining your present. My kids were not OK with things that were said against me. Not saying it wasn t challenging. Unfortunately, my children were exposed to the ugly side of church life seeing people at their very worst. However, over time, they saw that their parents were continuing to serve the Lord with joy. They saw us move on and reach out to new people. They saw us hold to our mission and not permit bitterness to destroy us. I am not saying it was easy, but we did everything in our power to bless those that cursed us and release them to God. They grew up not hating the church because they made the distinction between God and the selfish acts of people. The third reason preachers kids often do not serve God is related to what they see at home.

5 Whether you will admit it or not, most ministers have their game face on Sunday and their real face on Monday. Sometimes the two faces are so opposite that kids just want no part of it. This is not only true of pastors, but of all Christian parents. When you act one way in church and another at home, the kids see the hypocrisy and want nothing to do with church. One key way that pastors need to guard themselves, is how they speak about other church members. Your conversations get noticed by your children. My wife and I pastored a couple many years ago who both passionately served God. Over time, their children fell away from the church in a big way. They were always bewildered as to how this could happen since they faithfully tithed to the church and were actively serving. However, I was an eye witness of how they talked about other people in the church. The dad was always making jokes about other church people using put downs about how someone dressed or looked. His wife repeatedly made snap judgements about peoples character. I also knew that when I left the room, I would also be talked about in the same way. As their kids grew up, they saw their parents act one way in church, but another way at home and decided that serving God was about being a hypocrite. Can you blame them? When kids hear you speak negatively about other believers or judge their actions or character, it discourages them. They think to themselves, Why would I want this kind of life, where everyone is always putting everyone else down? As a professional, you may be used to putting on your game face and acting like everything is OK, but your kids have no interest in that, which leads us to the final reason many preachers kids want to get away from church asap.

6 Insisting that your kids act differently because they are your kids and need to set an example is a really bad idea. No matter what the age, our kids are going to do immature and sometimes stupid things that can be embarrassing. As leaders we need to keep in mind that our children were not called into ministry as we were. They have a right to find their own way to become what God has destined them to be. No matter what they do, you should be their father first and their pastor last. Never be ashamed of them. Be their protector. As I mentioned earlier, your family lives in a fishbowl. Some church people tend to feel they have access to you 24/7 and that they have the right to comment on everything your family says or does. They do not. Your wife is not Mrs. Pastor unless that is her choice. She has the right to make a home and raise kids in a normal environment. As the pastor, you need to protect your family and be a normal guy. Pastor, don t use your kids life or stories in sermons without their consent. Once again, they did not sign on to your calling. It is embarrassing to be mentioned in church by your father and can have social ramifications for them. As mentioned earlier, God gave me some insight years ago that is just common sense. It is simply this: Always be yourself. Our home life and church life are pretty much the same. I don t have a preacher s voice at church and another way of talking at home. I also would not describe myself as a strict disciplinarian. As the kids grew up they understood there were a few non-negotiable standards. One was that it was always unacceptable to lie. Second, we made it our business to not intrude into their business. We asked questions during different discussions, but laid down a foundation of trusting them as much as possible depending on their age.

7 In those early years, Patti and I sacrificed what little money we put them through Christian education at school because we both believed in it. We took a lot of heat from other Christians oddly enough who attacked us for wasting our money. Christian people can be so stupid sometimes. As a pastor, if that is not possible for you to fund Christian education for whatever reason, make sure you become a really connected parent with what is happening at school. Get involved in your school and keep your relationship with your kids transparent. In looking back, there are many things I could have or perhaps should have done better as a parent. Thankfully, when Christ is invited into your family decisions through prayer, he covers what you re weak at. My wife and I would pray for our kids and the decisions they made. We spent many hours lifting them up to the Lord and asking for his protection and intervention. I encourage you to pray for your kids. We often pray for everyone else, and neglect them but the spiritual warfare against them, especially as your kids is intense. The enemy of our souls would like nothing better than to undermine our families as a strategy to neutralize our impact. Your family is always your most important ministry. A reading of the qualifications Paul lays out in Timothy 3 for leadership begins with the home life. Essentially, Paul charges Timothy to only appoint leaders whose home life is healthy. It is only a few verses in scripture, but takes a lot of wisdom, prayer and focus. What good is it if you build a huge church, but lose your own family? Psalms describes our children as arrows in our quiver. They are the most potent force God has given you to advance his kingdom. If your family is hurting and in trouble, put everything else aside to make sure they know you are there for them. Download 4 Reasons Preacher s Kids Walk Away From The Church here. As usual, we end with a quote. This one is from Michael J. Fox who said, Family is not an important thing. It's everything.

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