BOOK REVIEWS: -=* 過猶不及 *=- -=* BOUNDARIES *=- - When to Say YES - How to Say NO - To Take Control of Your Life

Transcription

1 BOOK REVIEWS: -=* 過猶不及 *=- -=* BOUNDARIES *=- - When to Say YES - How to Say NO - To Take Control of Your Life Prepared by Albert Wu on 5/26/2011

2 BOUNDARIES: WHEN TO SAY YES, WHEN TO SAY NO, TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE ; 過猶不及 AUTHOR: HENRY CLOUD, JOHN TOWNSEND 作者 : 亨利 克勞德等 / 著譯者 : 蔡岱安出版社 : 道聲出版日期 :2004 年 10 月 18 日語言 : 繁體中文 ISBN: 裝訂 : 平裝

3 TABLE OF CONTENTS PART I WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? PART III DEVELOPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES A Day in a Boundaryless Life Resistance to Boundaries What Does a Boundary Look Like? How to Measure Success with Boundaries Boundary Problems A Day in a Life with Boundaries How Boundaries Are Developed Ten Laws of Boundaries Common Boundary Myths PART II BOUNDARY CONFLICTS Boundaries and Your Family Boundaries and Your Friends Boundaries and Your Spouse Boundaries and Your Children Boundaries and Work Boundaries and Your Self Boundaries and God

4 WHAT DOES A BOUNDARIES LOOK LIKE? Examples of Boundaries Skin Words Truth Geo distance Emotional distance Time Other people Consequences What s within my boundaries? Feelings Attitudes Beliefs Behaviors Choices Talents Values Limits Thoughts Desires Love

5 TO HAVE BOUNDARIES, OR NOT TO HAVE BOUNDARIES? Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? How do boundaries relate to submission? Aren t boundaries selfish?

6 BOUNDARY PROBLEMS NO CAN T SAY The Compliant 屈從者 Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can t set boundaries CAN T SAY The Controller 操縱者 Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others YES The Nonresponsive 封閉者 Set boundaries against responsibility to love The Avoidant 迴避者 Sets boundaries against receiving care of others

7 THE LAW OF BOUNDARIES I Sowing and Reaping 因果律 Our actions have consequences. Someone will bear them. Don t interrupt this law by regularly bailing others out. Responsibility 責任律 We are responsible to, not for each other. We are to love one another, not be one another. Power 能力律 We do not have power over other people We hardly have enough power over ourselves Respect 尊重律 If we wish our boundaries to be respected we must respect those of others For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Motivation 動機律 We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. Acts of love are worthless if we don t feel to have a choice

8 THE LAW OF BOUNDARIES II Evaluation 評估律 We need to evaluate the effects our boundaries cause others Hurt and harm are not the same pain may eventually lead to growth Proactivity 積極律 Boundaries must express what you stand for, not just what you are against Solve problems on the basis of your values, wants, and needs Envy 嫉妒律 We will never get what we want if we focus on what others have Envy keeps us empty and unfulfilled Activity 活動律 We need to take the initiative to solve our problems Don t wait for your spouse to go the first step Exposure 顯露律 Boundaries must be communicated Otherwise they are invisible to others

9 COMMON BOUNDARY MYTHS I If I set boundaries, I m being selfish. 我會不會是自私? No, appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to take care of others. Selfish fixates on our own desires; stewardship acknowledges our responsibility to manage the life entrusted to our care. Boundaries are a sign of disobedience. 我會不會是不服從? No, people without boundaries are compliant on the outside, and resentful on the inside. We can be honest and tell the truth. If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others. 我會不會被傷害? Perhaps, since you cannot control the reactions of others. When you set a boundary, others may attack or withdraw. We have no right to control their reaction. Our responsibility is to control our own lives. If I set boundaries, I will hurt others. 我會不會傷害別人? No, boundaries are not an offensive weapon, they re defensive tools. They do no harm, they just protect the treasures of their owner.

10 COMMON BOUNDARY MYTHS II 5. Boundaries mean that I am angry. 我會不會是在生氣? No, anger is an early warning system that something is wrong, and helps us move forward to solve problems. Boundaries decrease anger. 6. When others set boundaries, it injures me. 別人會不會傷害我? No, lack of boundaries hurts people, especially in childhood. The Golden Rule helps us respect each others boundaries. 7. Boundaries cause feelings of guilt. 我會不會有罪惡感? No, feeling an obligation to others may make us give in to avoid feeling guilty. We can be grateful for gifts received, without thinking we owe some nonexistent debt in return. 8. Boundaries are permanent, and I m afraid of burning my bridges. 我會不會是在過河拆橋? No, it s a woman s prerogative to change her mind, the old saying asserts (and men, too)! You own your boundaries and you can change them.

11 STEPS FOR A HEALTHY BOUNDARIES I 1. Resentment our early-warning signal 2. A change of tastes becoming drawn to boundary-lovers 3. Joining the family 4. Treasuring our treasures 5. Practicing baby NO s 6. Rejoicing in the guilty feelings

12 STEPS FOR A HEALTHY BOUNDARIES II 7.Practicing grownup NO s 8.Rejoicing in the absence of guilty feelings 9.Loving the boundaries of others 10.Feeling our NO and our YES 11.Mature boundaries value-driven goal setting

13 BOUNDARIES TEXT ON WEB nt&ie=utf- 8&rlz=1T4GGLL_enUS372US372&q=boundaries+site:

14 Q & A