EFFECTIVE CHRISTIAN LIVING

Transcription

1 EFFECTIVE CHRISTIAN LIVING By Matt Ruma Introduction Let s face it, life is more complex, more stressful and more demanding. Living a principled life, a life centered in Christ stands in stark contrast to the world we live in. The World We Live In Fear and Insecurity We fear for the future. We fear losing our jobs and the ability to provide for our families. We fear what the government is doing. We lack courage. The common response to this fear is, I m going to focus on me and mine. This lack of courage breeds self-centeredness. I Want It Now We want things and we want them now. We want more money. We want a nice, big house. We want the biggest and best television, or entertainment center. We want it all, and we feel we deserve it. Our credit card society, makes it easy to get it now and pay for it later. Blame and Victimism Whenever we find a problem, we try to find something to point the finger at, to blame. Society is addicted to playing the victim. We say things like, If only my boss wasn t an idiot If only I hadn t been born poor If only I lived in a better place If only I hadn t inherited such

2 a temper from my dad If only my kids weren t so rebellious If only my wife was more understanding If only If only. We blame everyone and everything else for our problems. Hopelessness The children of blame are cynicism and hopelessness. When we succumb to believing that we are victims of our circumstances, we lose hope, we lose drive, and we settle. We view ourselves as just a cog in the machine. We become discouraged and depressed. The survival response is to just lower your expectations of life to the point that you aren t disappointed by anyone or anything. Lack of Life Balance Life in our mobile phone society is increasingly complex, demanding, stressful and absolutely exhausting. With all the wonders of modern technology it seems like we are still in a constant fight with managing our time and priorities. The problem is that our modern culture says, go in earlier, stay later, be more efficient, live with the sacrifice for now but the truth is that balance and peace of mind are not the product of these things. What s In It for me? Our culture teaches us that if we want something in life, we have to look out for number one. It says, Life is a game, a race, a competition, and you better win it. We view everything has a competition and everyone is a competitor. Of course we try to appear generous and cheer for others success, but inside we are eating our hearts out. 2

3 The Hunger to Be Understood Few needs of the human heart are greater than the need to be understood to have a voice that is heard, respected and valued to have influence. We believe this is done through clear and persuasive communication. Instead of listening to others, trying to understand others, we are too busy preparing our response. Most people are too vulnerable emotionally to listen deeply to suspend their agenda long enough to focus on understanding others before they communicate their own ideas. This Is the World We Raise Our Families In Things have changed dramatically. In the past, it was easier to successfully raise a family, because society was an ally, a resource. People were surrounded by role models, examples, media reinforcement, and family-friendly laws and support systems that sustained marriage and helped create strong families. Even when there were problems within the family, there was still this powerful reinforcement of the whole idea of successful marriage and family life. Because of this you could essentially raise your family with help from the outside. Talk with those of generations past, they ll tell you. Look at the older television shows, like Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best, you ll see first-hand examples of how society contributed to the success of the family. 3

4 Since 1940 the top disciplinary problems in public schools have changed from chewing gum and running in the halls to teen pregnancy, rape and assault. Each day we have to navigate our families through a turbulent, familyunfriendly world. It s a Constant Struggle We have three main adversaries in this world, ourselves, or our flesh (ROM 7:19), others, or the world (JOH 15:19), and Satan (PET 5:8). For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. ROM 7:19 If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. JOH 15:19 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 1 PET 5:8 While we get a break from Satan every once in a while (LUK 4:13), I can find no such promise of a break fighting ourselves or others, that is until we cross over into Heaven. (REV 22:3) And when the devil had ended all the temptation, he departed from him for a season. LUK 4:13 And there shall be no more curse REV 22:3 4

5 The Seven Habits I would like to think, that when I die, and the older I get, I think about it more. I look at the age of many of our parents, our church, and the time is coming when the curse of death will being to take its tool. Enough about you dying, let s get back to me dying. I would like to think, should you ask my wife or my children what kind of man I was, that they would tell you two things: 1. That I was a godly man. 2. That I always tried to a better godly man. Recently I was reading Stephen Covey s books, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, after which I read another of his books, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, the latter being similar to the first, but from a family perspective, as you might have guessed. Stephen Covey takes what I would call a Lord of the Rings approach in the writing of this book. What I mean by that is both Stephen Covey and J.R.R. Tolkien had strong religious backgrounds. Tolkien was a Catholic and Covey was a Mormon. Both right books that were influenced by their religious persuasion, but colored them in such a way that the secular man, the non-religious man, would read them. Each of Mr. Covey s habits is based on the principles of God, and therefore worthy of our discussion. Mr. Covey focus is not on principles, but rather forming habits around principles that lead to what he calls effective living. Today I would like us to take a look at Mr. Covey s habits from a Christian perspective, and see if 5

6 we can t start forming the same habits he proposes around Christ-centered principles that will lead to what I am calling effective Christian living, or what the Bible would refer to as perfection. (HEB 6:1) Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection. HEB 6:1 These habits will take courage, they are not for cowards, and each one, in its own way, will glorify our God. (1 COR 10:31) Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 COR 10:31 One of the oldest presentation techniques is called the Rule of Three. The Rule of Three says that people will only remember three things from a presentation. So I m going to tell you in advance, the ONLY three things you need to remember, they are each important, and each is scattered throughout this message multiple times, they are: 1. Our attitude and behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. 2. We can subordinate our feelings to values, values based on God s principles. 3. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen. Paradigms and Principles Inside-Out Have you ever found yourself saying 6

7 I ve started a new diet for the fifth time this year. I know I m overweight, and I really want to change. After a few weeks, I fizzle. I just can t seem to keep a promise I make to myself. I want to teach my children the value of work. But to get them to do anything, I have to supervise every move... and put up with complaining every step of the way. It s so much easier to do it myself. Why can t children do their work cheerfully and without being reminded? I m busy really busy. But sometimes I wonder if what I m doing will make any difference in the long run. I d really like to think there was meaning in my life, that somehow things were different because I was here. My marriage has gone flat. We don t fight or anything; we just don t love each other anymore. We ve gone to counseling; we ve tried a number of things, but we just can t seem to rekindle the feeling we used to have. These are deep problems, painful problems problems that quick fix approaches can t solve. If we truly want to fix these problems we first have to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first have to change our perceptions. The Pygmalion effect, or the Rosenthal effect, is the phenomenon in which the greater expectations placed upon people, often children or students and employees, the better they perform. Or in other words, how we believe the world is and what we honestly think it can become have powerful effects on how things will turn out. 7

8 Whether you think you can or whether you think you can t, you re right Henry Ford We must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and understand that the lens shapes how we interpret the world. I believe the key to effective Christian living starts with perception, how we view ourselves and the world we live in. Instead of asking how we see ourselves, which his often inferior and inadequate we should instead focus on how God sees us, by us I mean his children. We are chosen and loved in Christ. (EPH 1:4) According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: EPH 1:4 We are adopted in Christ. (EPH 1:5) Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, EPH 1:5 We are accepted in Christ. (EPH 1:6) To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved EPH 1:6 We are redeemed and forgiven in Christ. (EPH 1:7) 8

9 In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; EPH 1:7 We have access to the wisdom, understanding and power of God. (EPH 1:17-19) That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him: The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints, And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power, EPH 1:17-19 That s the perception that we should begin with. (PSA 139:1) O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. PSA 139:1 The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ would take the slums out of people, and then they would take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. Ezra Taft Benson 9

10 Personality Ethic verse Character Ethic Prior to World War I the foundation of success was based on principles things like integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, industry, simplicity, modesty and the Golden Rule. The Character Ethic taught that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their basic character. After World War 1 the basic view of success shifted from the Character Ethic to what we might call the Personality Ethic. Success became more a function of personality, of public image, of attitudes and behaviors, skills and techniques, which lubricate the processes of human interaction. What we are trying to do is get the right perception, the right perception of the right world, so we can make right interpretations so we can live and effective Christian life. Our perception, what we think, is what we will become. (PRO 23:7) For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he PRO 23:7 Why Effective Christian Living? Why not Efficient Christian Living? At work, the push always seems to be more efficient, more streamlined. Efficient means performing or functioning in the best possible manner with the least waste of time and effort. Effective means adequate to accomplish a purpose; producing the intended or expected result. 10

11 If you want an easier way to memorize the difference, remember this sentence: Being effective is about doing the right things, while being efficient is about doing the things in the right manner. Don't worry about efficiency. There is no use being 'efficient' if what you are doing lacks meaning or an essential good. The Power of a Paradigm A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his. Before we can really understand the habits we ll be learning, we need to first understand our own paradigms and how to make a paradigm shift. Paradigm is the way we see the world not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding and interpreting. 11

12 The Character Ethic and Personality Ethic we discussed previously are examples of paradigms. Simple way to understand a paradigm is to think of them as maps. We all know that the map is not the territory. Map simply explains certain aspects of the territory. That s exactly what a paradigm is. It is a theory, an explanation or a model of something else. Suppose you wanted to arrive at a specific location in central Chicago. A street map of the city would be a great help to you in reaching your destination. But suppose you were given the wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled Chicago was actually a map of Detroit. Can you imagine the frustration, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination? You might work on your behavior you could try harder, be more diligent, double your speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster. You might work on your attitude you could think more positively. You still wouldn t get to the right place, but perhaps you wouldn t care. Your attitude would be so positive, you d be happy wherever you were. The point is, you d still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your behavior or your attitude. It has everything to do with having a wrong map. If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way, then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map. 12

13 Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values. We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question their accuracy; we re usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of those assumptions. The way we see things is the source of the way we think and the way we act. This story from the book The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate demonstrates the different paradigms of men and women. On one occasion we were at a friend s house, and he was cooking hamburgers on his backyard barbecue. I asked him, Where did you get these hamburgers? He replied, At the meat market that just opened downtown. My male friend heard my question as a simple request for information. Nothing more. Not too long afterward, Sarah and I were sitting down to dinner in our apartment, and she served hamburgers. I decided to conduct a little experiment, so I asked her, Where did you get these hamburgers? Sarah shot back, Why? What s wrong with them? Men and women often have different paradigms, different ways they see the world. 13

14 As clearly and objectively as we think we see things, we begin to realize that others see them differently from their own apparently equally clear and objective point of view. Where we stand depends on where we sit. Each of us tends to think we see things as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe ourselves, our perceptions, our paradigms. When other people disagree with us, we immediately think something is wrong with them. But, as the demonstration shows, sincere, clearheaded people see things differently, each looking through the unique lens of experience. This does not mean that there are no facts. Two people could be both looking at the same identical facts black lines and white spaces and they would both acknowledge these as facts. But each person s interpretation of these facts represents prior experiences, and the facts have no meaning whatsoever apart from the interpretation. The more aware we are of our basic paradigms, maps, or assumptions, and the extent to which we have been influenced by our experience, the more we can take responsibility for those paradigms, examine them, test them against reality, listen to others and be open to their perceptions, thereby getting a larger picture and a far more objective view. Let s look at an aspect of Christian living, as Christians, we are ambassadors for Christ. (2 COR 5:20) Now then we are ambassadors for Christ 2 COR 5:20 14

15 An ambassador is an official envoy, an envoy being an authorize representative or messenger, appointed for a special and often temporary diplomatic assignment. Like ambassadors are not citizens of their host country, so are we. We are not citizens of this world, we are citizens of Heaven. This is not our real home, yes we have an embassy or chancery in this world, and that is located right where we stand right now. We are not of this world. (JOH 15:19) If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you. JOH 15:19 We are strangers, in a strange land, making our way through this world, in hopes of reach our homeland, our true home, our real home. In this aspect we are like Abraham. (HEB 11:9) By faith he sojourned in the land of promise, as in a strange country, dwelling in tabernacles with Isaac and Jacob, the heirs with him of the same promise: For he looked for a city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God. HEB 11:9-10 This is the Christian paradigm, this is how we should see the world, as ambassadors for Christ, doing his will, as we journey, like Abraham to that city whose builder and maker is God. 15

16 The Power of a Paradigm Shift This is the AHA moment, when someone finally sees the composite picture in another way. Sometimes referred to as an epiphany, or enlightenment. The Bible term would be open eyes (ACT 26:18) or passing from darkness into light. (EPH 5:8) To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan unto God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins, and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me. ACT 26:18 For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light EPH 5:8 The term paradigm shift was introduced by Thomas Kuhn in his highly influential landmark book, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. Kuhn shows how almost every significant breakthrough in the field of scientific endeavor is first a break with tradition, with old ways of thinking, with old paradigms. Some famous examples: From Ptolemic cosmology, where it was though the earth was the center of the universe, to a Copernican cosmology, where the sun is at the center of the universe. From Newton physics to Einstein physics. 16

17 The USA is the fruit of a paradigm shift from a monarchy and the divine right of the king to a constitutional democracy, government of the people, by the people and for the people. Bible Examples of Paradigm Shift Naaman was at first appalled at the mere suggestions of washing himself in the filthy Jordan River to be healed of his leprosy, but his servants, gave him a different perspective, a different paradigm. 2 KIN 5:10-15 The conversion of Saul of Tarsus. ACT 9:3-6 The gospel of Jesus Christ, his death, burial and resurrection was THE paradigm shift, because it changed everything! (REV 1:18, ACT 1:6) I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. REV 1:18 These that have turned the world upside down are come hither also ACT 1:6 Your conversion, my conversion, the whole repentance process is a paradigm shift. To repent means to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life, to feel regret or contrition, to change one's mind. (ACT 3:19) Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord ACT 3:19 17

18 Conversion means the fact of changing one s religion or beliefs or the action of persuading someone else to change theirs, repentance and change to a godly life. It s a change in perception, it s a change in the lens through which we view the world. It s what we were in time past (EPH 2:1-3) walking in our lusts, compared to what we are today (EPH 2:10), right now, this very moment, walking in good works. And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. EPH 2:1-3 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. EPH 2:10 Not All Paradigm Shifts Are for the Better Not all paradigm shifts are in positive directions. As we have observed, the shift from the Character Ethic to the Personality Ethic has drawn us away from the very roots that nourish true success and happiness. Prior to the 19 th century most people believed in the Genesis narrative, on creation, to be true, since then, modern science has and continues to try to convince us that evolution is the correct narrative on creation. 18

19 Evolution verse the Bible is an example of two paradigms that are in stark contrast. Only one can be correct. Evolution Assumptions There is no God The present is the key to the past We are here by chance Creation Assumptions In the beginning, God created God s word is the key to the past We were created by God Logical Consequence God is reduced to a creation of man God is removed from public life Man determines right and wrong Civil laws written by the group with most (political) power Logical Consequence God is the all-powerful Creator God is honoured in public life God determines right and wrong Civil laws based on God's law But whether they shift us in positive or negative directions, whether they are instantaneous or developmental, paradigm shifts move us from one way of seeing the world to another. And those shifts create powerful change. Our paradigms, correct or incorrect, are the sources of our attitudes and behaviors, and ultimately our relationships with others. Many people experience a similar fundamental shift in thinking when they face a life-threatening crisis and suddenly see their priorities in a different light, or when they suddenly step into a new role, such as that of husband or wife, parent or grandparent, manager or leader. Think about the thieves on the cross. One moment they were both mocking Christ (MAR 15:32), but at the end, one had a change of heart. (LUK 23:39-43) 19

20 And they that were crucified with him reviled him. MAR 15:32 And one of the malefactors which were hanged railed on him, saying, If thou be Christ, save thyself and us. But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss. And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise. LUK 23:39-43 It becomes obvious that if we want to make relatively minor changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our attitudes and behaviors. But if we want to make significant, quantum change, we need to work on our basic paradigms. In the words of Thoreau, For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root. We can only achieve quantum improvements in our lives as we quit hacking at the leaves of attitude and behavior and get to work on the root, the paradigms from which our attitudes and behaviors flow. We have to get at the root, the heart of the matter. Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. PRO 4:23 20

21 Principled Centered Paradigms The Character Ethic is based on the fundamental idea that there are principles that govern human effectiveness natural laws in the human dimension that are just as real, just as unchanging and unarguably there as laws such as gravity are in the physical dimension. An idea of the reality and the impact of these principles can be captured in another paradigm-shifting experience as told by Frank Koch in Proceedings, the magazine of the Naval Institute. Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, Light, bearing on the starboard bow. Is it steady or moving astern? the captain called out. Lookout replied, Steady, captain, which meant we were on a dangerous collision course with that ship. The captain then called to the signalman, Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees. Back came a signal, Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees. 21

22 The captain said, Send, I m a captain, change course 20 degrees. I m a seaman second class, came the reply. You had better change course 20 degrees. By that time, the captain was furious. He spat out, Send, I m a battleship. Change course 20 degrees. Back came the flashing light, I m a lighthouse. We changed course. The paradigm shift experienced by the captain and by us as we listen to this account puts the situation in a totally different light. We can see a reality that is superceded by his limited perception a reality that is as critical for us to understand in our daily lives as it was for the captain in the fog. Principles are like lighthouses, or natural laws. C.S. Lewis, in his book Mere Christianity, referred to these natural laws as the Law of Nature. The idea was that, just as all bodies are governed by the law of gravitation, and organisms by biological laws, so the creature called man also had his law with this great difference, that a body could not choose whether it obeyed the law of gravitation or not, but a man could choose either to obey the Law of Human Nature or to disobey it. 22

23 These principles in include things like courage, selfishness, faithfulness, kindness, integrity, honesty and diligence. (PHI 4:8) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. PHI 4:8 Man s interpretation of these principles may differ to some degree, but the fundamental principle is the same. Principles are not practices. A practice is a specific activity or action. A practice that works in one circumstance will not necessarily work in another, as parents who have tried to raise a second child exactly like they did the first can readily attest. Principles are not values. A gang of thieves can share values, but they are in violation of the fundamental principles we re talking about. Principles are the territory. Values are maps. When we value correct principles, we have truth a knowledge of things as they are. The more closely our maps or paradigms are aligned with these principles or natural laws, the more accurate and functional they will be. Correct maps will infinitely impact our personal and interpersonal effectiveness far more than any amount of effort expended on changing our attitudes and behaviors. 23

24 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God HEB 6:1 Matthew Henry commenting on this verse said: Christians must leave the principles of the doctrine of Christ. How must they leave them? They must not lose them, they must not despise them, they must not forget them. They must lay them up in their hearts, and lay them as the foundation of all their profession and expectation; but they must not rest and stay in them, they must not be always laying the foundation, they must go on, and build upon it. Think about it, what good is a building if it just has a foundation, what purpose can it really serve? People can t live there, they can t work there, they can t gather there. As strong as the foundation may be, if nothing is built upon it, it s useless. Principles are guidelines for human conduct that are proven to have enduring, permanent value. They re fundamental. They re essentially unarguable because they are self-evident. Consider the absurdity of attempting to live an effective life based on their opposites. I doubt that anyone would seriously consider unfairness, cowardice, deceit, faithlessness, uselessness, mediocrity, or laziness to be a solid foundation for lasting happiness and success. 24

25 People may argue about how these principles are defined or manifested or achieved, but there seems to be an innate consciousness and awareness that they exist. The more closely our maps or paradigms are aligned with these principles or natural laws, the more accurate and functional they will be. Correct maps will infinitely impact our personal and interpersonal effectiveness far more than any amount of effort expended on changing our attitudes and behaviors. Principles of Growth and Change The glitter of the Personality Ethic, the massive appeal, is that there is some quick and easy way to achieve quality of life personal effectiveness and rich, deep relationships with other people without going through the natural process of work and growth that makes it possible. The Personality Ethic is deceptive, it s an illusion. And trying to get high quality results with its techniques and quick fixes is just about as effective as trying to get to some place in Chicago using a map of Detroit. In all of life, there are sequential stages of growth and development. A child learns to turn over, to sit up, to crawl, and then to walk and run. Each step is important and each one takes time. No step can be skipped. We must be patient. (JAS 1:4) But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. JAS 1:4 This is true in all phases of life, in all areas of development, whether it be learning to play the piano or communicate effectively with a working 25

26 associate. It is true with individuals, with marriages, with families, and with organizations. Our level of development is fairly obvious with tennis or piano playing, where it is impossible to pretend. But it is not so obvious in the areas of character and emotional development. We can pose and put on for a stranger or an associate. We can pretend. And for a while we can get by with it at least in public. We might even deceive ourselves. Yet most of us know the truth of what we really are inside; and so do many of those we live with and work with do as well. The Way We See the Problem is the Problem People are intrigued when they see good things happening in the lives of individuals, families, and organizations that are based on solid principles. They admire such personal strength and maturity, such family unity and teamwork, such adaptive synergistic organizational culture. This is the Christian witness. But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear 1 PET 3:15 And their immediate request is very revealing of their basic paradigm. How do you do it? Teach me the techniques. What they re really saying is, Give me some quick fix advice or solution that will relieve the pain in my own situation. They will find people who will meet their wants and teach these things; and for a short time, skills and techniques may appear to work. They may 26

27 eliminate some of the cosmetic or acute problems through social aspirin and band-aids. But the underlying chronic condition remains, and eventually new acute symptoms will appear. The more people are into quick fix and focus on the acute problems and pain, the more that very approach contributes to the underlying chronic condition. The way we see the problem is often the problem. The Personality Ethic would have us read some new book or go to some seminar or find some other technique. When in reality there could be an underlying character issue that needs to be addressed. Look at the story of David, after he committed adultery with Bathsheba, when Nathan confronted him about his sin. (2 SAM 12:1-6) There were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor. The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds: But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter. And there came a traveller unto the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him; but took the poor man's lamb, and dressed it for the man that was come to him. And David's anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely 27

28 die: And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity. 2 SAM 12:1-6 David is feeling good and righteousness, passing judgment on this man who had done this terrible wrong, this man with no principles. David doesn t get to feel this way for too long, because his paradigm is about to shift. (2 SAM 12:7) And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. 2 SAM 12:7 With a new paradigm, the right paradigm, David was able to restore his relationship with God, and get back to living a principle-centered life. (2 SAM 12:13) And David said unto Nathan, I have sinned against the LORD. And Nathan said unto David, The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 2 SAM 12:13 A New Level of Thinking, Really and Old Level of Thinking As a country, as a culture, as a church, as a family, as an individual, we need to get back to a principle-centered, character-based, inside-out approach to personal effectiveness. Inside-out means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self with your paradigms, your character, and your motives. It says if you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who loves not love the feeling, but love the verb their spouse. 28

29 If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathic, consistent, loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing employee. If you want to have people trust you, be more trustworthy. If you want to have friends, be friendly. PRO 18:24 If you want to have virtue, be faithful, if want to have knowledge, be virtuous, if you want to have charity, be kind. (2 PET 5: And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 PET 1:5-8 Inside-out is a process a continuing process, one that will never be complete, at least in this world. Notice, none of this includes other people, it s just you. The Pharisees took and outside-in approach, and let s see just what Jesus thought about that approach. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them 29

30 may be clean also. Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity. MAT 23:25-28 Habits We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. Aristotle Habits Defined Our character, our attitude, our behavior, is a composite of our habits. According to Mr. Covey, habits can be defined as the intersection of knowledge, skill and desire. Knowledge Habit Desire Skill 30

31 Knowledge is the what to do and the why. Skill is the how to do. And desire is the motivation, the want to do. Think about the habit of personal Bible study it s built on The knowledge that the Bible can tell us more about God and what He wants us to do. The skill of Christian apologetics, primary meanings, comparing spiritual things with spiritual things and meditating. The desire to learn more about God, and what He wants us to do. Trying to create a habit without one of these components, desire, knowledge and skill, is impossible at best. Often times we have to ask God to fill in the deficiencies. We may have the desire and the skills, but not the knowledge. (JAS 1:5) If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. JAS 1:5 We may have the desire and the knowledge, but don t have the skill, we are weak and deficient. (PSA 27:14) Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. PSA 27:14 We may have the knowledge and the skill, but we don t feel like being Christian today. (PSA 51:10) Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. PSA 51:10 31

32 Or you may just be lacking it all! No knowledge, no skill and no desire! Well guess what, that s God s specialty! (PSA 34:18) The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. PSA 34:18 Your thinking is broken, you don t know what to make of the situation, your ability is broken, you don t have a clue what to do, and your desire is broken, you are ready to just throw in the towel. (2 COR 12:9) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 COR 12:9 God has you covered. Someone might say, well aren t habits just tips or techniques? That s a fair question. The answer is no. They are in harmony with natural laws, which are principle-based and value-driven. The Maturity Continuum Habits move us progressively on a Maturity Continuum from dependence to independence to interdependence. We each begin life as an infant, totally dependent on others. We are directed, nurtured, and sustained by others. Without this nurturing, we would only live for a few hours or a few days at the most. Over the ensuing months and years, we become more and more independent physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially until eventually we can essentially take care of ourselves, becoming innerdirected and self-reliant. 32

33 As we continue to grow and mature, we become increasingly aware that all of nature is interdependent, that there is an ecological system that governs nature, including society. I know this last part sounds a little hokey, but stick with me, it will become clearer as we move through this study. On the maturity continuum, dependence is the paradigm of you you take care of me; you come through for me; you didn t come through; I blame you for the results. (HEB 5:12) For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat. HEB 5:12 Independence is the paradigm of I I can do it; I am responsible; I am selfreliant; I can choose. (PHI 4:13) I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. - PHI 4:13 Interdependence is the paradigm of we we can do it; we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together. (JOH 15:7) If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. - JOH 15:7 Dependent people need others to get what they want. Independent people can get what they want through their own effort. Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success. 33

34 Independence can vary physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Someone might be dependent on someone else to physically care for them, but that doesn t mean they can t be independent mentally, emotionally and spiritually. True independence of character empowers us to act rather than be acted upon. It frees us from our dependence on circumstances and other people and is a worthy, liberating goal. But it is not the ultimate goal in effective living. Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won t be good leaders or team players. They re not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality. Life is, by nature, highly interdependent. To try to achieve maximum effectiveness through independence is like trying to play tennis with a golf club the tool is not suited to the reality. Interdependence is a far more mature, more advanced concept. (1 COR 12:12-17) For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ. For by one Spirit are we all baptized into one body, whether we be Jews or Gentiles, a whether we be bond or free; and have been all made to drink into one Spirit. For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot shall say, Because I am not 34

35 the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? As an interdependent person, I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings. COR 12:12-17 If I am physically interdependent, I am self-reliant and capable, but I also realize that you and I working together can accomplish far more than, even at my best, I could accomplish alone. (PRO 27:17) Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. PRO 27:17 If I am emotionally interdependent, I derive a great sense of worth within myself, but I also recognize the need for love, for giving, and for receiving love from others. (1 THE 5:11) Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do. THE 5:11 If I am intellectually interdependent, I realize that I need the best thinking of other people to join with my own. (PRO 24:6) For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety. PRO 24:6 35

36 If I am spiritually interdependent, I realize that my existence comes from God, and that I am a member of His family, the church. From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love. EPH 4:16 Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make. Dependent people cannot choose to become interdependent. They don t have the character to do it; they don t own enough of themselves. You Are Not Your Habits Whatever your present situation, I assure you that you are not your habits. You can replace old patterns of self-defeating behavior with new patterns, new habits of effectiveness, happiness, and trust-based relationships. For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. - 2 COR 4:16 Renew means to make like new, restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection, to make new spiritually, to make extensive changes in. Your bad habits are not greater than God. The Bible is filled, I mean filled with stories, of godly men that have made mistakes, grievous mistakes, and of wicked men, changing their ways, committing themselves unto God. For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope. ROM 15:4 36

37 One of the purposes of the Bible is to give us hope. Hope that we are not bound by the shackles of our own doing, the doing of the world, or the doing of Satan, but rather, in Christ, we are so much more we are no longer servants of sin, but rather servants of righteousness (ROM 6:18-20). God helping us, and He will, we can overcome bad habits. Habit 1 Be Proactive We stand at the crossroads, each minute, each hour, each day, making choices. We choose the thoughts we allow ourselves to think, the passions we allow ourselves to feel, and the actions we allow ourselves to perform. Each choice is made in the context of whatever value system we have selected to govern our lives. In selecting that value system, we are, in a very real way, making the most important choice we will ever make. Those who believe there is one God who made all things and who governs the world by this providence will make many choices different from those who do not. Those who hold in reverence that being who gave them life and worship Him through adoration, prayer, and thanksgiving will make choices different from those who do not. Those who believe that mankind are all of a family and that the most acceptable service of God is doing good to man will make many choices different from those who do not. Those who believe in a future state in which all that is wrong here will be made right will make many choices different from those who do not. Those who subscribe to the morals of Jesus will make many choices different from those who do not. 37

38 Since the foundation of all happiness is thinking rightly, and since correct action is dependent on correct opinion, we cannot be too careful in choosing the value system we allow to govern our thoughts and actions. And to know that God governs in the affairs of men, that He hears and answers prayers, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him, is, indeed, a powerful regulator of human conduct. Benjamin Franklin, Benjamin Franklin's the Art of Virtue: His Formula for Successful Living The Social Mirror Social paradigms would say we our attitudes and behaviors are largely determined by conditioning and conditions. There are actually three social paradigms three theories of determinism widely accepted, independently or in combination, to explain the nature of man. Genetic determinism basically says your grandparents did it to you. That s why you have such a temper. Your grandparents had short tempers and it s in your DNA. It just goes through the generations and you inherited it. Psychic determinism basically says your parents did it to you. Your upbringing, your childhood experience essentially laid out your personal tendencies and your character structure. That s why you re afraid to be in front of a group. It s the way your parents brought you up. You feel terribly guilty if you make a mistake because you remember deep inside the emotional scripting when you were very vulnerable and tender and dependent. You remember the emotional punishment, the rejection, the 38