OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS By Bradley Walton

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1 OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS By Bradley Walton Copyright MMXV by Bradley Walton, All Rights Reserved. Heuer Publishing LLC in association with Brooklyn Publishers, LLC ISBN: CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty. This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention. RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-english languages. PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and royalty arrangements in advance from Heuer Publishing LLC. Questions concerning other rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional) performance rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit and whether or not admission is charged. AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this Work must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this Work. The author s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the Work. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s). PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this Work is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC. COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying or scanning, without prior permission from Heuer Publishing LLC. HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA TOLL FREE (800) FAX (319)

2 2 OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS A Ten Minute Comedic Monologue By Bradley Walton SYNOPSIS: You re minding your business in the hall at school when you hear someone say that the forensics team is getting new unicorns. You never realized that unicorns were real, or that the school had a forensics team, so the two things together make perfect sense. You love unicorns, so you decide to join the forensics team as soon as you figure out what forensics is. As you ask around, you learn about forensic science, become convinced that the unicorns are for dissection, and conclude that it s up to you to save them! Someone finally suggests you misunderstood that the forensics team is actually getting new uniforms but you re too smart to fall for that. CAST OF CHARACTERS (1 either; gender flexible) NARRATOR (m/f)... A high school student who s fashionable but not too bright. NOT SETTING: On bare stage. AUTHOR NOTES The genesis of this play was pretty much the first thing that happens in the script. I heard somebody say something about one of teams at my school getting new uniforms. Except I heard unicorns instead of uniforms. Fortunately, I realized immediately that I d misunderstood, instead of going crusade.do on a COPY

3 BRADLEY WALTON 3 NARRATOR: So I m in the hall on my way to gym near the end of the day, and it s really crowded and noisy and stuff, but I hear somebody say that our forensics team is getting new unicorns. Now, I love unicorns, but I didn t know they were actually real, or that the school had a unicorn stable. Of course, I never realized the school had a forensics team, either, so it all makes sense. I have no idea what forensics is, but if they ve got unicorns, then I m joining. Since there s a team, it s probably some kind of sport where they ride unicorns, so I figure I ll ask my gym teacher about it. It seems kind of weird that we never cheer for the forensics team at pep rallies, but I guess the custodians don t want the unicorns to poop on the floor. When I get to gym class, I ask my teacher what forensics is. He says, It s like police science. Science? I really hope I heard him wrong. Yeah. They study crime scenes and do science stuff to look for clues. I stand there, trying to get his words to make sense. I m not even in the right place. Forensics is not a sport. It s police science. How do unicorns fit in with that? I guess the police ride the unicorns to crime scenes and impale criminals on the unicorns horns. But science is not my thing. I don t like it, and I get bad grades. Pretty much like all my other classes. Do I really want to keep going with this? Oh, who am I kidding? If it involves unicorns, I ll do it, even if there is science. Plus, if they re getting new unicorns, they must be getting rid of the old ones, so maybe they d give one to me. My gym teacher is staring at me. Is there anything else you wanted to ask? Who should I talk to about forensics? He shrugs. Maybe the biology teacher? So the next morning, I go see the biology teacher before school. I don t want to get into a really long conversation with him because I figure I won t be able to understand anything he says, so I just cut straight to what I want to know. Tell me about the forensics unicorns. He gives me a look that s all weird and stuff, like he doesn t know what unicorns I m talking about, even though I clearly said, forensics unicorns. What s up with this guy?

4 4 OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS And then he says, What? All funny-like. You know the forensics unicorns! I don t know what you mean. Well, obviously, he s lying or hiding something. Forensics must be some kind of super-secret society, and that s why I ve never heard of them or seen the unicorns around school. I m not sure what to say next. Then I notice a little dead pig lying on the teacher s desk. It s pretty nasty. What s that for? That s a fetal pig. The class dissects those to learn about anatomy. I have no idea what he just said, which apparently he realizes because he adds, Students cut the pigs open to look at the insides. I don t know why anybody would want to look at the inside of a pig, but I nod my head. Then it hits me if they cut up pigs in his class and he s playing dumb about the forensics unicorns, then that might mean the unicorns aren t really for people to ride to crime scenes they re for cutting up, too! That must be why the forensics team is getting new unicorns they cut all the old ones into little bitty pieces! I smile, backing slowly away from the biology teacher, and leave the room without taking my eyes off of him. A man who chops up unicorns is capable of anything. Darn it! This means there aren t any leftover unicorns for me to get one of my own. But it also means even more unicorns are going to be butchered in the name of forensic science. I don t know what to do. Before yesterday, I never even knew unicorns were real. But I love them. I can t let this happen. And I can t stop it from happening if I m sitting in class. Which means I have an awesome reason to skip English.

5 BRADLEY WALTON 5 I head for the nearest bathroom, lock myself in a stall, pull out my phone, and stay there after the bell rings. The reception is lousy and it goes really slow, but I search the internet for information about forensics unicorns. Nothing comes up. I try searching just for forensics. I get tons of stuff about crime scenes and even some random junk about public speaking, but zilch about unicorns. Is this some kind of giant conspiracy? Or is it just a local thing? My town is pretty much smack in the armpit of nowhere. There could be someone breeding unicorns for the school s forensics team around here and the outside world would never know. This is terrible. I have to save the unicorns, but I don t even know where to find them! Then I remember something my parents told me about once. I thought they were kidding, but if forensics and unicorns exist, then phone books might be real, too. But I don t know where to find one of those, either. Books are like science. I don t do books. I ve never even been in the school library. The library! They have books there. Maybe even a phone book. I head to the library and walk through the door as casually as I can. The librarian looks up at me from her computer. I smile at her. I m not skipping class. Nope. Not me. Do you have a pass? she says. I pull a Starbucks receipt out of my pocket and hold it up, praying she won t ask to see it up close. She nods her head and motions for me to come on in. Whew. May I help you? she says. Do you have a phone book? Here. She reaches under the counter and pulls out a floppy book and sets it in front of me. I m afraid to touch it. Half the pages are yellow. There s no telling where this thing s been. Is something wrong? Do you have one without yellow pages? Nope. Just the one. Everything s in the same book together.

6 6 OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS I slowly reach out and pick up the phone book. Thankfully, it isn t actually wet. I turn a few pages. It takes me a minute, but I finally remember the order of the alphabet. U s are going to be in the back where the yellow pages are. I sure hope the unicorns appreciate this. I find the U s and start looking. Nothing about unicorns or unicorn breeders. I toss the book on the counter in disgust and frustration. I still don t know anything and now I have to wash my hands and the school s soap dries out my skin. The librarian looks at me over her glasses. Is there a problem? Yes, there is a huge problem. But it s not something I can talk about. Or can I? Librarians know everything. It s her job to tell me what I need to know. Can I trust her? Do I have a choice? The unicorns are counting on me. Where do they get the unicorns for the forensics team? The librarian s face is really, really still. She looks at me for about five seconds without blinking. Finally, she says, What? I heard in the hall yesterday that our forensics team is getting new unicorns. And you want one for yourself? No! Well yes. But first, I have to save the unicorns! I know the truth! The forensics team is desiccating them! Or something you know cutting them up! The librarian s face still hasn t moved except for her mouth when she talks. It s creepy. She looks at me for a few more seconds, then she finally blinks and says, Hang on a minute. She picks up the phone and punches some numbers. Carl? This is Betty in the library. I ve got a student here asking where the forensics team is getting its new unicorns from. Ha! Yes, it did sound like I said unicorns just now, didn t it? Of course I meant uniforms. Thanks very much. Bye.

7 BRADLEY WALTON 7 She hangs up and gives me the blank look again. It seems like it would be really hard to keep your face that still. The forensics team is getting its new uniforms from a store called Richardson s Suits. That s not what I asked! I want to know about the unicorns, not the uniforms! There are no unicorns. Just uniforms. I think you might ve misunderstood what you heard. I laugh and thank the librarian for her help. I don t want to tip her off that I haven t been fooled. Then I get the heck out of the library and lock myself in another bathroom stall to figure out my next move. Because there really is a conspiracy. I understand perfectly now. They should never have tried to make me think that I heard something wrong. How dumb do they think I am? THE END

8 8 OUR FORENSICS TEAM IS GETTING NEW UNICORNS NOTES