BUILDING PEOPLE SOLVING PROBLEMS

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1 Necessary Endings The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward By: Dr. Henry Cloud Book Description (from Amazon) Publication Date: January 18, 2011 If you re hesitant to pull the trigger when things obviously aren't working out, Henry Cloud s Necessary Endings may be the most important book you read all year. Dave Ramsey, New York Times bestselling author of The Total Money Makeover Cloud is a wise, experienced, and compassionate guide through [life s] turbulent passages. Bob Buford, best-selling author of Halftime and Finishing Well; founder of the Leadership Network Henry Cloud, the bestselling author of Integrity and The One-Life Solution, offers this mindset-altering method for proactively correcting the bad and the broken in our businesses and our lives. Cloud challenges readers to achieve the personal and professional growth they both desire and deserve and gives crucial insight on how to make those tough decisions that are standing in the way of a more successful business and, ultimately, a better life. My Synopsis: Endings are tough, especially the unexpected ones which are mostly out of our control. But most other endings we can control, and this book will help you understand the steps and thinking behind making the endings successful. We ve all had certain endings in life, and they ve helped us to grow. Now you can be more focused on those endings and more proactive about your growth and success.

2 Necessary Endings The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward p. xiii Today may be the enemy of your tomorrow. p. xiii the tomorrow that you desire and envision may never come to pass if you do not end some things you are doing today. p. xiii endings are a natural part of the universe. p. 1 Endings: The Good Cannot Begin Until the Bad Ends p. 3 the bright future he had imagined wasn t going to materialize until he made some big changes in direction. p. 6 When needed endings are done well, people succeed. When they re done poorly or not at all, people don t. p. 6 For there to be anything new, old things always have to end, and we have to let go of them. p. 7 some things die and some things need to be killed. p. 8 Endings are not only part of life; they are a requirement for living and thriving, professionally and personally. p. 11 Leaders are people, and people have issues that get in the way of the best-made ideas, plans, and realities. p. 11 we are not prepared or equipped to take the next step, the one we really need to take. p. 12 When we fail to end things well, we are destined to repeat the mistakes that keep us from moving on. p. 15 Pruning: Growth Depends on Getting Rid of the Unwanted or the Superfluous p. 15 Pruning is a process of proactive endings. p. 17 Without it (pruning), they are just average at best and far less than they were designed to be. p. 18 The areas of your business and life that require your limited resources your time, energy, talent, emotions, money but are not achieving the vision you have for them should be pruned. p. 19 in order to succeed, we must prune. p. 21 There is a big difference between hurt and harm Facing reality is usually not a damaging experience, even though it can hurt. p. 21 As a leader, you have got to redefine what positive and negative is. p. 23 Reality sometimes makes us face things that hurt, and that can be a very good thing. P 23 you have to know the standard you are pruning toward. p. 25 you always will have to choose between good and best. p. 26 we should not be dealing with negative realities in the same old way, over and over again. p. 29 cutting costs is not what pruning is about, and when someone says that, they are thinking more like a manager than a leader. p. 30 Pruning is strategic. It is directional and forward looking. p. 33 You are one person, and as you integrate all of what it means to be a whole person, you will do better in every area of life. p. 35 Normalizing Necessary Endings: Welcome the Seasons of Life into Your Worldview p. 38 Even the most gifted people and leaders are subject to feeling conflicted about ending things p. 38 Make the endings a normal occurrence and a normal part of business and life, instead of seeing it as a problem. p. 39 in business and life, there comes a moment when that reality must be seen and grasped.

3 p. 40 three organizing principles that will help you make endings both necessary and normal: first, accept life cycles and seasons; second, accept that life produces too much life; third, accept that incurable illness and sometimes evil are part of life too. p. 43 Endings are easier to embrace and execute when you believe something normal is happening. p. 45 Are there situations in business or in life where you are trying to birth things that should be dying? p. 46 you are going to have to be in the letting go phase all through life. p. 47 When the numbers are too high, quality suffers. p. 47 success depends on having the time and energy resources to go deep with a few relationships, and they have to end the wish to go deep with everyone. p. 48 They respect the fact that there are limits to what they can do, to whom or what they can invest in. p. 48 One of the most important types of decision making is deciding what you are not going to do. Ann Mulcahy p. 51 make sure you have accepted the real universe where you live and work. p. 53 When Stuck is the New Normal: The Difference Between Pain with a Purpose and Pain for No Good Reason p. 53 Pain by its nature is a signal that something is wrong, and action is required. p. 54 We know from research that people develop new mental maps or fall into old ones, which then direct their dayto-day activities, their thoughts, and their feelings. p. 56 Events are processed in predictable, negative ways: first, as personalized (I am a bad salesperson); second, as pervasive (everything I do, or every aspect of the business, is bad); and third, as permanent (nothing is going to change). p. 57 When the map says that nothing you do matters, then you stop focusing on the things you do have control over when you regain control of yourself, strong results can be obtained even in crummy environments. p. 57 Our brains drive our behavior. p. 58 Identify the internal maps that keep you from the endings you need to execute. p. 58 Learned helplessness and other dynamics can keep you from making the endings you or your business needs to make. p. 60 What are the mental maps that keep you from executing a necessary ending? p. 60 One of the big first steps to rewriting your brains software is awareness. p. 60 Five Internal Maps: having an abnormally high pain threshold, caring for others, believing that ending it mean I failed, misunderstood loyalty, and codependent mapping. p. 63 As a result (or covering for others), goals are not reached and potential is not realized p. 64 successful leaders are bigger than any individual outcome. p. 64 Failing well means ending something that is not working and choosing to do something else better. p. 66 One of the truths about life: sometimes we need to do something for ourselves or our business that is not good for someone else, at least not in the short term. p. 66 if your map says that you are responsible for other adults as if they were your own children, then something is wrong with your map. p. 66 I am not doing this to you. I am doing it for me. There is a big difference. p. 67 People enable others because they care. But this kind of caring is not caring at all and is destructive to the person being helped. p. 69 In the family-owned businesses, the failure to launch syndrome can become a business practice.

4 p. 70 Our psychological makeup is a collection of past experiences, and these determine how we thing about endings. p. 71 While you cannot control the reactions of the people, the seasons, or the markets, you can always control your response to them p. 73 Getting to the Pruning Moment: Realistic, Hopeless, and Motivated p. 74 successful people and successful leaders all have one thing in common: they get in touch with reality. p. 74 If something isn t working, you must admit that what you are doing to get it to work is hopeless. p. 74 Nothing mobilizes us like a firm dose of reality. p. 79 pay attention when something is over and it is time to create urgency around the new. p. 80 the way we were doing it could not bring about the future reality that we wanted. We had to change. p. 82 it does not take courage to stop doing what you know is not going to work. p. 82 You will not embrace a pruning reality if you have an internal conflict with the idea. p. 82 Make the concept of endings a normal occurrence and a normal part of business and life p. 83 The dead or dying has to be moved out p. 84 your brain will shape reality to fit the maps in your head, so make sure your eyes are clear. p. 84 hope is a requirement for survival and winning. p. 85 hope buys time, and spends it. p. 87 we can t get to the new hope of the new plan if we don t face the reality that what we have been doing is not working. p. 89 Hope is not a strategy. p. 89 If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging. p. 90 To give up hope when there is victory in sight is a mistake. But to hang on to false hope is a fantasy that can end in dismal failure. p. 91 Hoping Versus Wishing: The Difference Between What s Worth Fixing and What Should End p. 93 the best predictor of the future is the past. p. 96 four questions may get you to see reality clearly and, if answered truthfully, could keep you from going down a road of certain failure the failure of past 1. What has the performance been so far? 2. Is it good enough? 3. Is there anything in place that would make it different? 4. If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same? p. 98 The first factor to consider in assessing whether or not there s hope for a certain scenario is to ask yourself, Who am I dealing with? p. 99 Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future. p. 101 Things turn around with the right people. p. 103 By and large, people do not change without new structure. p. 103 Change must be structured old patterns get reinforced unless a new discipline is introduced to override the old patterns. p. 104 Information and insight are important to change, but experiences are crucial as well.

5 p. 106 All successful systems of change involve a strong social support component. p. 108 to have hope, you must have patience with people making significant changes. p. 111 you can have objective hope if you are bringing some new knowledge, wisdom, or know-how to the situation. p. 112 If you have energy without intelligence, it will be wasted and not go toward a direction or a path. p. 112 Without a dedicated change agent, change usually does not happen. p. 115 You need enough of a dose of energy to make it effective, and you need the right interval of time so the efforts are not lost before the next bit of energy is injected. p. 116 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 p. 119 The Wise, the Foolish, and the Evil: Identifying Which Kinds of People Deserve Your Trust p. 120 you might assume that other people are like you responsible and loving (wrong!) Not all take responsibility for themselves or care about how their actions are affecting other people or the mission. p. 120 It is essential to understand that not everyone is going to be open or even desirous of the change that you are trying to bring about. p. 121 You have more influence to bring about change than you might think, but the key is knowing what to do with different kinds of people. p. 122 There are basically three types of people in the world: wise, foolish, evil. p. 122 You cannot deal with everyone in the same way. p. 124 What works with you will not work with everyone p. 126 wise people learn from experience and make adjustments. p. 127 The person who ultimately does well is the one who can learn from his own experience or the experience of others, make that learning a part of himself, and then deliver results from that experience base. p. 133 the fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it. p. 134 with the foolish person, attempts to talk about problems create conflict, alienation, or a break in the relationship. p. 136 fools want reality to change for them. p. 137 talking about a problem with a fool does not help at all so stop talking. p. 140 holding out hope for someone who is resistant to feedback is not grounded in a lot of reality. p. 141 When people begin to feel consequences for their behavior or performance, all of a sudden they realize that I need to perform p. 143 With evil people, the strategy is Lawyers, Guns and Money. p. 143 evil people are not reasonable. p. 144 change (in evil people) does not happen by giving in to them, reasoning with them, or giving them another chance to hurt you. p. 146 Strengths matter, so base some of your hope on them. p. 147 Seeing the differences between wise, foolish, and evil people will be a good tool for you in making those difficult decisions. p. 149 Creating Urgency: Stay Motivated and Energized for Change p. 149 Your brain s hard wiring can resist change but you know you must change if you are going to end the misery of the present and get to the future you desire. p. 150 Time is either working for you or against you in terms of your needed ending.

6 p. 150 So getting your brain to move to create an ending is going to take both: the fear of the negative and the draw of the positive. p. 150 So to get past the inertia of the past and present, you need to do both: address the urgency and the stall. p. 150 you were not designed to cope but to thrive. p. 151 we need to make the threat to our future as real in our minds as it is in reality. p. 153 If you lie to yourself, you will never get there. p. 155 there is no ending or better time coming unless we do something. p. 159 Who are your change agents, either for yourself or your company, for the endings that you need to make happen? p. 161 In creating any kind of change, continually holding up the picture of what you want it to be inessential to maintaining urgency. p. 161 Human brains are designed to create what they see in the future. p. 162 High performers live by a sense of urgency p. 162 If we always want more out of what we don t want or what is not working, we don t understand pruning at all. p. 164 I cannot have them putting their foot on the brake while I am putting mine on the accelerator. p. 164 A deadline without consequences is not much of a deadline. p. 165 Endings happen when we create the structure that drives them. p. 170 As a rule, the more immediate the feedback, the better the performance. p. 171 So measure and evaluate what you want to make grow. p. 172 if you are a leader, sometimes you have to lead, even when no one wants to follow. p. 172 If stalled out is normal now, create urgency so that action is the new normal. p. 174 Resistance: How to Tackle Internal and External Barriers p. 174 Incompatible wishes are a formula for resistance. p. 175 sometimes we want two or more things that can t co-exist. p. 175 Hanging on to both kept her from having either. p. 175 Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another. p. 176 the most valuable things come with a cost. p. 177 A fundamental truth about endings: you have to be able to face losing some things you might want in order to be free to do the right thing. If you can t, you are stuck. p. 178 What particular outcome are you unwilling to sacrifice to realize your vision of the future? p. 181 Later is one of the most abused drugs we have available to us. p. 181 they feel good about taking action in their heads but the reality is that it is not done. p. 188 when you do something difficult but worthy, it confronts people with their own lives. p. 190 When you make a move down a new path, obstacles will come as a result. p. 193 No More Mr. Bad Guy: The Magic of Self-Selection p. 197 the ending is created by the standard. That is guaranteed. p. 199 Having the Conversation: Strategies for Ending Things Well p. 203 Before you have the conversation, make sure you are clear in your head what you want the result of the conversation to be.

7 p. 204 we tend to get a bit codependent in these kinds of conversations, not saying all that needs to be said for fear of hurting the person. The truth suffers, and often the ending gets flimsy. p. 204 before you begin the conversation, get in touch with both sides, your concern for the other person and for the truth. p. 204 The truth is painful but best in the end. p. 206 the other person s emotional reactions will be greatly affected by the tone of your voice in your communication. p. 208 Whether or not she gets it is not in your control. But remaining empathetic and clear is in your control Hold onto your power, the power of self-control. p. 209 She had to become what she was looking for before she would ever find it. p. 210 You always win by treating people well. p. 210 Don t leave an open door or window if you don t want one. Close it now, so you will not have to do it again. p. 211 Embrace the Grief: The Importance of Metabolizing Necessary Endings p. 212 People can t really disinvest themselves and move on unless they say good-bye to what has been. p. 212 Cathexis is the investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, an object, or an idea. So decathexis is the process of taking it back. p. 213 The grieving process is a mental and emotional letting go. p. 215 Symbols and symbolic events do a lot to help us get our mind around an ending. p. 217 Whatever happened that was negative, take the wisdom out of it, learn from it, and then eliminate what is not useful to you. p. 219 They left knowing more about their future from examining the last big deal than they would have if they had gone on a planning retreat. p. 221 Sustainability: Taking Inventory of What is Depleting Your Resources p. 221 if you are doing something that is using you or your resources in a way that is depleting you or damaging you, you can t keep it going. p. 222 not paying attention to sustainability is one of the most common reasons that they get into trouble, sometimes unrecoverable trouble. p. 223 Sustainability keeps options alive, and as long a you have options, you have hope. p. 225 If cash equals options, are you on a path of diminishing options? p. 226 We choose difficult paths for good reasons. p. 227 Conclusion: It s All About the Future p. 229 it always took some kind of ending of one thing to get to the next. p. 230 when it is time to have the courage to take the next step, you have to do that and not be afraid. p. 230 Your next step always depends on two ingredients: how well you are maximizing where you are right now and how ready you are to do what is necessary to get to the next place. p. 230 for the right tomorrow to come, some parts of today may have to come to a necessary ending.