Because of this, it s sad when our relationships are strained or broken, but it s a joy when they re healed and restored.

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1 Week 4 (Friday Third Week of Lent) Forgiveness and Reconciliation God is a Trinity of Persons Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, who are united in perfect love. In other words, God is a tangle of loving relationships. Because we re made in God s image, we can understand ourselves as made for loving relationships, too. Because of this, it s sad when our relationships are strained or broken, but it s a joy when they re healed and restored. God himself became human in Jesus so that our broken relationship with him might be restored. God smiles when our broken relationships with others are restored, especially with those who are closest to us spouses, children, parents, other close family and friends. We call this healing reconciliation. Reconciliation requires forgiveness. Forgiveness, however, doesn t always involve reconciliation. Whether or not we seek reconciliation depends on the nature of the relationship. Some people are no longer part of our lives because they ve died or moved away. Other people perhaps shouldn t be a part of our lives, because they re dangerous or abusive. We can forgive from a distance those we should keep at a distance. Reconciliation requires two people choosing to come back together. Forgiveness, on the other hand requires only one. Therefore, reconciliation isn t always a possibility. But it is always possible to forgive. 1

2 8. Forgive and Forget? We can t forgive and forget. But we can forgive and let go. The Bible does say great deal about forgiveness, but nowhere does it say that forgiveness requires us to forget. Turn the other cheek means to let go, not to forget. Forgive and forget may sound noble. Unfortunately, it's just not realistic. When we have been hurt by someone, especially seriously, and maybe even permanently, it's unlikely that we'll ever forget the trauma. We actually shouldn't completely forget such things. The memory might keep us from placing ourselves in a similar situation in the future, or lead us to avoid a dangerous person who might hurt us again. As has often been said, those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. Nevertheless, because there is a popular conception that we need to forget in order to forgive, we sometimes go to great lengths to do so, and then we beat ourselves up when we find we can t forget. We think we failed, we feel ashamed. True, it is possible to forget the little things that had no long term consequence. Memories fade with time, and time can heal. But trying to forgive and forget a serious hurt is setting ourselves up for disappointment, because it's impossible to achieve. We might be able to repress a painful memory, but that doesn't solve the problem it only buries it. Repressed memories fester, and they always come bubbling back up. Sort of like sewage in a blocked drain pipe. At times, it is essential that we remember what has happened to us. However, this doesn't mean that we should keep score in our relationships by keeping track of every offense. St. Paul wrote, Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do (1 Cor 13:5). Nevertheless, we often do this. We use this record to justify our anger when we argue and fight. Relationship counselors call this kitchen sinking. Instead of focusing on the matter at hand, we bring up incidents from the past to shame the one we're arguing with. We throw all our past hurts into the 2

3 kitchen sink. But, when we do this we're not trying to resolve a problem, we are only trying to beat the other person down. That's not fighting fair. It not only reveals that we haven't forgotten, it also reveals that we ve yet to forgive. By holding onto our hurts, we hold them over the head of the one who hurt us. And for those we have not forgiven, one little misstep up on their part will cause us to unleash the sword of our anger, once again. We put the others in fear of our wrath. We haven't forgotten what they done, which is normal. But we let our memories become a weapon. So, forgiveness does not require forgetting. But it does require letting go. It involves putting the matter behind us and not letting it continue to be an issue for us. By letting go, we're no longer filled with resentment and bitterness. No more do we desire revenge. We don't pull our hurt out of our pocket as a trump card when we argue. We don't use the memory of our hurt in a manipulative way. Instead, it's done. Is over. Not forgotten. But, forgiven. Remaining stuck in the past is never a recipe for successful relationships or a deepening spiritual life. If we remain stuck in the past by clinging to our past wounds, we embitter ourselves and hurt others. Jesus knows that we can't forgive and forget, so he does not ask us to this. But, he does call us to forgive and let go, so we're not looking back in bitterness, but moving forward in faith. 3

4 9. Don t Be a Doormat Forgiving another does not condone what has been done to us. It cannot be emphasized enough that forgiving others does not mean condoning abuse. Too often good people will say something like, "Well, the Bible says to forgive, so I should forgive this person even though he or she is treating me terribly." When we speak of forgiving others, we are talking about forgiving someone for some past offense or offenses, not condoning continued bad treatment in the present. If we are allowing someone to treat his poorly, we are actually colluding in our own poor treatment. We deserve better than that. When a person we are in a relationship with ceases their abusive behavior and makes a sincere effort to change, then forgiving their past behavior can make a difference. Domestic violence is widespread in our society. It includes not only physical harm, but also sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. A common pattern in abusive relationships is for a man (although sometimes a woman) who has committed domestic violence to ask forgiveness, perhaps offer nice gifts, and to promise never to do it again. The woman forgives him, but later he commits another act of violence. This cycle of forgiveness and abuse may go on for quite some time. If the victim is a married Christian, she may erroneously believe that forgiving an abusive husband requires staying with him, and that leaving would betray her wedding vows. She may think she's at fault, or even that she's being punished by God. After all, she's suffering as Jesus suffered, she may conclude. Isn't enduring that suffering the loving, Christian thing to do? Actually, no, it isn t! Yes, Jesus did say, What God has joined together, no human being must separate (Mt 19:6). But, Jesus was referring to a valid marriage contract, not one that although thought to be valid when it was entered into, proved 4

5 not to be. In a valid marriage contract, spouses work towards the salvation of each other. An abusive relationship does not contribute towards anyone s salvation. It is not a penance. God wishes only good things for his children. No less an authority on Church teaching, than the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops has issued this statement which is posted on their website: We emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing. Jesus does want us to be generous in forgiving, but he absolutely never wants us to be a doormat or a punching bag. As Christians, at times we are called upon to carry a cross, to suffer, but we don't have to suffer unnecessarily, as with domestic violence. Jesus himself did not suffer unnecessarily. On many occasions Jesus actively avoided being hurt or abused. The Gospel reveals that at times people tried to stone him or throw him off a cliff, but Jesus got away. Jesus avoided certain places where he knew the people were hostile to him. Jesus taught his disciples to shake the dust from their feet and leave those towns that rejected their ministry. Jesus removed himself from dangerous situations many times. Jesus did suffer horribly, of course, but only when it was necessary to fulfill his Father's will. Until that day arrived, he avoided any suffering that would keep him from fulfilling his mission. 5

6 As Jesus example makes clear, there's a difference between necessary and unnecessary suffering. Necessary suffering springs from our loving choices to help others or ourselves become the people God created us to be. Unnecessary suffering simply makes us victims of another's illness or sin. While, it's been said that love without suffering is sentimentality, not all suffering is consistent with love. There are times when you and I, in imitation of Jesus, need to avoid or end hurtful situations in which we would suffer unnecessarily. After all, while Jesus insisted that we are to love our neighbors, he also stressed that we are to love ourselves. Stopping hurtful behavior is one way we love ourselves. It's okay to say no to those who would hurt us. Depending on the circumstances, we may need to draw a line and say enough is enough, put our foot down, blow the whistle, change jobs, leave the house, distance ourselves, defend ourselves or others, and maybe even end a relationship. Love may require that we protect ourselves and stand up for ourselves. Forgiveness doesn't preclude challenging the behavior of those who are harming us. For our own good (not to mention the other person's), hurtful behavior needs to be addressed. In the case of domestic abuse, far too many tragedies have occurred because an abusive person was allowed to continue their behavior to the point where someone was seriously injured or killed. Yet, sometimes we avoid standing up for ourselves because we find it easier just to let things slide. We don't want to rock the boat, because we're trying to keep the peace. Instead of peace, however what results are hurt feelings, resentments, broken hearts, troubled consciences, migraines, and ulcers. It's true that Jesus did teach us to turn the other cheek. But what he was referring to is avoiding retaliation the act of returning evil for evil. Protecting ourselves, however, is in no way evil. Protecting ourselves is part 6

7 of our obligation to love ourselves as Jesus has commanded us. The intent is not to hurt the other person, but to keep ourselves from being hurt. People who hurt us are always worthy of our forgiveness, but they may no longer be worthy of our trust. I forgive you is not the same as That's okay or Don't worry about it or It's nothing. If we've been hurt, that is something. It's not okay. Forgiveness isn't a denial of our pain. Forgiveness doesn't condone what s been done to us or pretend that nothing happened, and it doesn t let the person who hurt us off the hook. They're still accountable, and responsible, for their actions. Pope John Paul II forgave his assassin, but, nonetheless he remained in prison. Violent criminals can't stay on the street, they re too dangerous. In a similar way, dishonest or disruptive people can't stay on the job. They can't be trusted! They can, however, be forgiven. It's often said that forgiveness is for wimps, those who don't have the power to defend themselves. Jesus shows us otherwise. The weak can never forgive, insisted Mahatma Gandhi, forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. 10. Kiss and Makeup? We can always forgive, but we can t always reconcile. Forgiveness is a unilateral decision on our part. Reconciliation requires two or more people to forgive each other. True reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness, and God smiles when broken relationships are restored. God Himself became man in Jesus so we could be reconciled with him. In theology, this is called the atonement. If that was broken down into its parts we have at one ment. Thanks to what Jesus did and the forgiveness he offers we can be at one with God. 7

8 Forgiveness, however, does not always lead to reconciliation. Sometimes reconciliation just isn't possible. Perhaps the person we ve forgiven has died, or maybe we'll never see him or her again for whatever reason. Sometimes it's not advisable to reconcile with those we forgive. If they're dangerous, we would do well to avoid them. Jesus does call us to love our enemies, and that love includes forgiveness. However, when we see an enemy coming, or even just a person we find difficult, sometimes the best thing to do is to avoid that person. We can forgive from a distance those persons we should keep at a distance. At the same time, there are certain people in our lives with whom we should make every effort to reconcile, should there be a need to do so. They're part of what we might call our primary relationships. Our forgiveness of them wouldn't be complete, or authentic, without an attempt at reconciliation. Jesus taught that if we're on our way to worship if we have something against our brother, we should first be reconciled with him before we approach the altar. We should understand this is as referring to all those in our primary relationships. They're the people who should be part of our lives no matter what. Because of that, if we don't seek to reconcile with them, even if we think we ve forgiven them, there will always be a distance between us, a disconnect, and awkwardness. Jesus calls us, whenever one of our primary relationships has been bruised or broken, to seek reconciliation. Certainly husbands and wives should do this, as God called them together to become one flesh. So, too, parents and children and that includes adult children. The Ten Commandments instruct children to honor their parents, and parents should likewise honor their children When seeking to reconcile, we should never wait until it's too late. There was a woman who refused to reconcile with her estranged son, even though 8

9 she insisted she d forgiven him. But she was still too angry and proud to reach out to him. Thankfully, on her deathbed, she and her son had a long talk, truly forgave each other, and embraced. She died with more peace than she d had in years. But, if she had had the courage to reconcile sooner after her estrangement, her life would have been far more joyful. Unfortunately, so many others with broken primary relationships also fail to seek reconciliation as soon as practical. Don't let yourself be filled with regret at a funeral parlor apologizing to someone who can't respond. Sure, there are risks in seeking to reconcile. In family feuds, for example, people sometimes take sides. If we try to heal the breach, some of our relatives make think we are a sellout or traitor. They may say, How can you even speak with him after what he's done to our family? As the old saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. But if that's the case with us, we ll be in good company. Jesus was punished for his good deeds. But that's the price he was willing to pay to be reconciled with us. Ask yourself: What was it like when someone unexpectedly forgave me? 11. All Things are Possible Radical forgiveness is possible only with God s grace. Forgiveness is not limited to great saints or spiritual all stars. Such people have no special ability to forgive. All of us have the ability to open our hearts to forgive as God forgives because God offers all of us the graces to act as God would act. In the days and hours following the tragic school shooting of 10 young schoolgirls in a one room Amish school in Lancaster County, PA in October 9

10 2006, a different and unexpected story developed. In the midst of their grief over this shocking loss, the Amish community didn t cast blame, they didn t point fingers, they didn t hold a press conference with attorneys at their sides. Instead, they reached out with grace and compassion toward the killer s family. The Amish grandfather of one of the girls who was killed expressed forgiveness toward the killer, and that same day Amish neighbors visited the killer s family to comfort them in their sorrow and pain. Later that week the killer s family was invited to the funeral of one of the Amish girls who had been killed. And Amish mourners outnumbered the non Amish at funeral of the killer. Ironically, the killer was tormented for nine years by the premature death of his young daughter. He never forgave God for her death. Yet, after he cold bloodedly shot 10 innocent Amish school girls, the Amish almost immediately forgave him and showed compassion toward his family. In a world at war and in a society that often points fingers and blames others, this reaction was unheard of. How could they forgive such a terrible, unprovoked act of violence against innocent lives? We can respond to amazing stories of forgiveness such as this in one of two ways. On the one hand we can feel inspired and filled with hope hope that we too can forgive even the worst offenses. On the other hand, we can feel discouraged concluding that radical forgiveness is possible only for truly exceptional, holy people, not ordinary people like us. We fear that we could never find it within ourselves to forgive an enemy who attacked us, a friend who abandoned us, a spouse who betrayed us, or someone who harmed one of our children. And our fears would be justified. Maybe, no matter how hard we try, we can't find it within ourselves to forgive such people. That s because it s only from the outside, through God s grace, that we can find such strength. 10

11 Jesus is well aware of this. He does teach us to forgive, to be merciful, and to love our enemies. If he didn't think we could do it, he wouldn't have said such things. He d never ask us to do the impossible. But, when it comes to forgiving a great hurt, it can seem as if we've been given an impossible mission. We may desperately want to forgive. Our intentions may be good, but we can't just can't follow through. So we find ourselves stuck. But that's not a bad place to be, because it can lead us to reach out to God and say, I just can't do this. Then God will say to us, You're absolutely right. But I can. Allow me to help. And if we let him, He will. Forgiveness is a decision. And it requires an act of the will. Yet, we can t rely on willpower alone. We need a higher power. In other words, to forgive like Jesus, we can't simply imitate Jesus. Instead, we need the help of Jesus himself. Only he can make possible what we thought was impossible. As St. Paul came to learn, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. In his book, How To Forgive, Father John Monbourquette tells the story of a missionary who was removed from his ministry unexpectedly by his provincial superior. He became resentful, but he recognized a need to forgive. However, even after dedicating a three day retreat to asking for the graces to forgive, he was still struggling and feeling hurt. Then he randomly picked up a Bible and the words, God alone can forgive leaped off the page. He realized that he had been trying to forgive through his own efforts, an effort doomed to failure. He began to let go and let God, as a popular phrase puts it, and soon was able to extend the forgiveness he was not able to give on his own. To err is human, wrote Alexander Pope. And it one level, what he said is absolutely true. Everyone of us without exception, errs. We hurt others, we hurt ourselves, we turn our backs on God. However, at another level, 11

12 Pope s words need a qualification. We are made in God's image, we are created for holiness and perfection. To err, then, is to be less than human. It's a reflection of our fallen, weakened condition. This weakness also prevents us from forgiving like God. That's why we can't forgive without God. But Alexander Pope knew this also, which is why he completed his famous quote the way he did. To err is human; to forgive divine. 12