Private Journal of. Alice C.

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1 Private Journal of Alice C.

2 Watches the candle burn. Wax mimics her tears onto the photograph, opaquing her only remembrances. Today, love is rare and sex is expected, and she lifts the glossy 4x6. Drops onto the flame. All burns but half of him, and she can't forget. She lights another match; sulfur smells good to a pyro. Destined to be clandestine how I feel for her, and secrets I extract from her eyes: I don't quite know what they mean but my mystery is much harder to solve (or so I think). The voices inside my head

3 ask me what will be but the answer is nothing, though I can't convince them because they argue the possibility (nonexistent). The thing about friendship is that it gets in the way of these suggested possibilities and these voices are not voices of reason, but something else (of reveries)? This little gray duckling stares at me with periwinkle eyes, resentment towards his parents, the black dove, the white crow, (dappled feathers). The blue-eyed resentment might actually be that of hope, for someday

4 he will develop his own colors; so I see, so I see, (back to her). Destined to be clandestine how I feel for her? and secrets I extract from her eyes: I don't quite know what they mean but their usual brown has a periwinkle sheen (or so I hope). Charismatic and spastic, you reach for what you think is real. Reality is limber, reality is false. Most aim their dreams at dreams while you dream of practicality. You have poor depth perception. A misconstrued composite of how the jigsaw settles. Here's to you stumbling upon any broken helm of reality.

5 The girl She sometimes has a fantasy Of security, fulfilment, contentment And reality The girl She dreams about what might have been A stable life, a happy home Career opportunities The girl She contemplates reality The loneliness, the emptiness The stigma of insanity The girl An outcast from society She can't pretend or try to be What she knows she cannot be The girl She's almost won the race you see To cope with life today And be just who she wants to be More chocolate, gobble, gobble! More sweets, suck, suck! More bed, snooze, snooze! More staring into space, whatever. Does it shift the pain? Does it fill the crevices? We know it bloody doesn't! So gobble, gobble, suck, suck, snooze, snooze into total oblivion...?

6 But there's something inside or is it Someone which won't let go. And grabs me by the scruff of the neck and says, 'come on, get up and get going'. But then I slink away, I'm off into it again - gobble, gobble, suck, sling the sweet wrappers, hide the evidence! Sleep, sleep, gobble, gobble. But the pain, it never goes away. There must be another answer God, is it you? Voices in my head like a bullet in my head Agony in my mind Each voice feels like a splinter in my skull like shards of bone, fragments that turn into a nagging pain The nagging pain like a bullet in my head The insults hurtling at me arguments with me, about me Flying round and round round and round It feels like there's a bullet in my head I can't get it out Nothing can take away the pain A bullet in my head Crossward crossword Kindward kindword Downward downword Forward foreword

7 Sideward sideword asideword Word-for-word, word foreword Onward wordward Wordsearch searchward Wordable word able, word table Wording class, wordrule word to rule Wordshy wordman Wordmanship wordship Wordshop wordhouse Word-in wordroom Wordsmith words worth Wordsworth word of art Word-shaking word-shattering Wordwise wordwide wordwhile Wordful wordpool wordwind Wordful wordpool wordwind Word up, Word Cup Word heard, wordherd Herd word, heard whirred Whirred lost whirred list Father forgive me, For I have sinned. Mother please hold me Protect me from him. Come take me home- Far away from this place. My soul needs to heal And My mind must The taste of his demons That sleep in my bed. The murmurs of madmen Still live in my head. Pull me to the surface. I fight for solid ground. Inside my mind is drowning While I slowly slip back down

8 If madness didn't exist, neither would sanity. If sanity didn't exist, neither would madness. I'll say that again. It is only because sanity exists that madness does too. It is only because madness exists that sanity exists. They are not opposites but complements, Just as high could not exist without a low And vice versa. Most phenomena can be put on a bell curve, With the extremes at either end. We can do this with mental health. At one extreme we have the person in a straight jacket, In a padded cell, in a special hospital, Completely oblivious of his perceived state, In a complete world of their own. At the other end, we have Christ and the Buddha, In a permanent state of wisdom and bliss. Most of us float somewhere between these two extremes, Neither mad nor sane, Or both. Where is the dividing line, If there is one? Have not the so called sane

9 Got a bit of madness in them. And the so called mad A bit of sanity. And have we not also Got a small piece of the man in the cell in us all. And also a small piece of Christ and the Buddha too. You give me drugs to make me normal, you say I have some illness that has taken normality away from me - I tell you now I never was nor could be normal. At school, they knew me for what I was and would have none of me, they made it clear they knew I was not normal. Therapy was tried, and failed, and drugs made me stupid, but, lamentably, still not normal. Leave me alone! I am not normal! I was never meant to be - give me my books and my paintings, let me listen to The Magic Flute, let me talk to myself, let me dream awake till I die and afterwards let my epitaph be "Sadly, the trouble with her was she was never really quite normal".

10 If you are neither here nor there you must be nowhere. You can't be somewhere, since somewhere is part of everywhere which is both there and here; and as you are neither there nor here you cannot be somewhere. But neither can you be nowhere since you must always be somewhere and somewhere between here and there. But if you are neither here nor there but somewhere, then somewhere must be nowhere between here and there; Thus, somewhere must be everywhere between here and there; and nowhere Is between here and there, so somewhere is everywhere and nowhere But that's neither here nor there I think inside of me's a demon, Living life with little reason, Jinxing me and hoaxing friends, For to reach it's evil ends. If I had a wishing-well I'd shove the devil back to hell, Then I'd have an open heart For sweet cupid's loving dart. ~whispers~ slowly leaving the trap destiny prepared for me i feel a little faint and like I could disappear from the graces of temptation

11 that are all too real when the clouds cover the sun for too long. Teddy, I've been bad again, My Mommy told me so; I'm not quite sure what I did wrong, But I thought that you might know. When I woke up this morning, I knew that she was mad; Cause she, with an icy cold scorn, was yelling at my dad. I tried my best to be real good, And do just what she said; I cleaned my room all by myself, I even made my bed. But I spilled milk on my good shirt, When she yelled at me to hurry; And I guess she didn't hear me, When I told her I was sorry. Cause she locked me in my room, you see, And called me funny names; And told me I was really bad, And I should be ashamed! When I said, "I love you, Mommy," I guess she didn't understand; Cause she yelled at me to shut my mouth. Or I'd get smacked again. So I came up here to talk to you, Please tell me what to do; Cause I really love my Mommy, And I know she loves me, too. And I don't think my Mommy means, To hurt me quite so bad; I guess sometimes, grown ups forget. How really big they are! So Teddy, I wish you were real,

12 And you weren't just a bear; Then you could help me find a way. To tell Mommies every where. To please try hard to understand. How sad it makes me feel; Cause the outside pain soon goes a way, But the inside never heals! And if we could make them listen, Maybe then they'd understand; So other children just like me, Wouldn't have to hurt again. But for now, I guess I'll hold you tight, And pretend the pain's not there; I know you'd never hurt me, So Goodnight, Teddy Bear!

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