Three New Facebook Groups Added

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2 Words, Words, Words "He's in a better place." "At least you have other children. "She's better off now/not in any pain." "Where's your faith? You should be happy for him." "God needed another flower in His garden." "Time heals all things." "You'll be better tomorrow." "You can't stay sad the rest of your life." "Your loved one wouldn't want yon to be so sad." Words; just words. Often spoken in an attempt to ease the pain of grieving the death of someone we love. But, instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt, the confusion, the anger, and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are words that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing. I don't think people are trying to hurt grievers. They just seem to engage their mouths before their brains. Or maybe what they were planning on saying sounded pretty good in their heads, but by the time those words of hope made the journey from their minds to their mouths, something happened. And those words came out, sending hurt instead of hope across the space between us. What are you trying to say? Are you trying to fill the silence between us, show how much you care or how much you know? Do you think words will help when a heart is broken? Why do we hide behind words, any words, when a hug or a simple touch on the arm would say so much more? Have we forgotten the power of presence? Do we fear silence because it might mean we have nothing to say? Why must a moment between friends be filled with noise or empty platitudes or meaningless sounds of hollow comfort? Why can't two people simply be in the presence of each other, allowing that great strength to flow between them without any words to interrupt the message? "You can have another baby." "You were so happy together. Be grateful for that." "At least he didn't suffer." "She was so young. You didn't really get to know her that well." ARRRGGG! Words! Words! Words meant to help that only add to the hurt. Give me silence, please! Not emptiness silence. Not loneliness... silence. Don t not come, but come silently. Sit on my couch, hold my hand, share a cookie, hand me a tissue. Come, but leave your words of hollow hope behind. No words can speak more eloquently than the shared silence of presence. Come sit beside me. Hold me. Touch me. Be with me, but leave the noise behind. Are we afraid that silence will kill us? Are we afraid that we will say "the wrong thing"? (What is the right thing?) Are we afraid that we will "remind" the bereaved of their loss? (Do you think we will ever forget it?) "Time heals all things." "You'll be better tomorrow." "You can't stay sad the rest of your life." "Your loved one wouldn't want you to be so sad. If only I could think of something to say in return! But my mind as well as my body and soul have gone numb. I am frozen and I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I am so shocked that I cannot believe I heard what you said, or maybe you don't even realize what you said. "Be happy she's healed now." "Why are you so sad?" "We have gathered here to not to mourn the loss of But rather to celebrate his life." Words; Just words. You'd think they wouldn't hurt so much, but they do. Sometimes it really is better not to say anything. That doesn't mean don't do something... it means don't use words to fill up the space that sadness occupies. By all means, do something! Bring flowers, a casserole (not tuna, please), chocolate cookies, napkins, paper towels. Come help with the laundry, the childcare, the mail, the dusting. Drop off a ham, a turkey, a hug. Send a note, a lemon meringue pie, and a donation to my loved one's favorite charity. Slip a note into my pocket, a card in my mailbox, a hand into my empty one. Share a memory, a laugh, and a moment. Tell me stories of the past; bring me pictures from your scrapbook. Speak of love, not sorrow. Remember the life, not just the death. Give me hope, not meaningless words. Hug me, hold me, love me, leave me, but don't shower me with words that are meant to soothe, but sear instead. Your presence really is the healing touch. No words need be spoken between friends and family when love is the weaver of the threads. "He's in a better place." (I thought right next to me was a pretty good place) "At least you have other children." (Yes, but I really loved that one, too.) "She's better off now... not in any pain." (She may be out of pain, but I'm not!) "Where's your faith? You should be happy for him." (My faith may help my heart feel better, but it's my arms that are empty and aching.) "God needed another flower in His garden." (What about MY garden?!) "You can have another baby." (Maybe, but no one can replace someone) "You were so happy together. Be grateful for that." (I am grateful, but I want more!) "At least he didn't suffer." (Yes, that's true, but I am suffering now.) "She was so young. You didn't really get to know her that well." (Since when does age have anything to do with how much someone is loved?) "Time heals all things." (Time does nothing except pass. It is what you do with the time that might change things.) "You'll be better tomorrow." (Perhaps, but what about today?) "You can't stay sad the rest of your life." (Oh yes I can) "Your loved one wouldn't want you to be so sad. (How do you know? I have told my loved ones that I expect at least three days of heavy grieving. After that, they can do whatever they wish. But I do want them to be sad... at least a little bit!) "Be happy she's healed now." (That may be true, but it is still my heart that is broken... my arms that are empty. What about me?) "Why are you so sad?" (Oh, I don't know... maybe it's because someone I loved has died.) "We have gathered here to not to mourn the loss of. But rather to celebrate his life." (The thought here is nice, but the timing seems a bit "off." I am not quite ready to celebrate. I think I need some grieving time, too.) Words. Just words. Let them fall to the wayside when you hear words that do not quite touch the pain or hit the mark. Realize that someone is tying to reach you, soothe you, and comfort you. So what if their choice of words falls short of the goal or even brings a moment or two of pain? At least someone cares enough to keep trying! And the sounds of silence are even worse than the words that come wrapped in good intentions and tied with a silly looking bow. I'll take your comfort any way you can share it with me. But maybe the best words to say are simply, "I'm here and I don't have a clue as to how to help, but I'm here, and together we'll figure this thing out." Come. Bring your gifts of memories, your arms with chocolates and your presence. Leave the words behind and just come. I'll hear what you mean, not what you say. ~Darcie D. Sims, Ph. D. Big A s Mom

3 Welcome New Members Meeting Topics & Info September 3 - Hurtful Things People Say October 1 - The Mask Attending your first meeting takes courage and it is always hard to say welcome because we are so very sorry for the reason which made you eligible for our membership in TCF. However, we are glad you found us! We cannot take away your pain but we can offer our friendship and support, Do try and to attend at least 3 meetings so you have a chance to meet others who are bereaved and discover that special acceptance that occurs with new friends who truly understand. New to our chapter are: Marcy Torrey, Mother of Melissa Christine Lind Mary White, Mother of Robert A. White November 5 - Decorate Luminaries for Candle Lighting Ceremony. Thank you to those who donate anonymously to our donation basket at our monthly meetings. Your donations and generosity are greatly appreciated and truly don t go unnoticed! Telephone Friends/Loving Listener Whether you are newly bereaved or further along in your grief; when you are feeling down, overwhelmed, have questions or maybe just need another bereaved parent to talk to. The following volunteers are there for you to call: Diane Briones Alice Renolds Laura Erdmann Carol Costin Grief walks with you today, your constant companion. But in the morning, tomorrow, the sunrise of hope waits for you. ~Sascha Wagner Three New Facebook Groups Added Be sure to Like our Santa Clarita Chapter s very own Facebook page, at the address of TheCompassionateFriendsSantaClaritaCA. You will receive announcements, special quotes, and chat with other bereaved members. Our Chapter also remembers your precious children on their birthdays on our SCV Facebook page. National has many special closed group pages and have just added TCF Loss to Mental Illness. This is open to bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings to share their experiences and heartache, the added difficulties related to losing a child, grandchild, or sibling to a mental illness. The comoderators of the group, Annette Hatcher Swestyn and Sherry Cox, welcome you to the group. With the success of The Crafty Corner at this year s National Conference, Gail Lafferty and Kathy Rambo have decided to open a new Facebook group for all of you who enjoy creating things. This Facebook group is a place to share our crafts, show off our crafts and help each other make memory projects of our children who are goon too soon. When you request to join this group, the administrator will send you a private message on your Facebook page. Please reply to the message within 3 days so we can confirm your request. Please be sure to check your mailbox marked "Other" if you do not receive one in your main mailbox. Another new closed Facebook group is: TCF - Loss of a Stepchild. As a bereaved stepparent, we are often one of the forgotten mourners as many feel that our grief was not as difficult because they were not our biological child and discount our grief. For most of us, we love our stepchild as our own and mourn their death greatly. These were children "born in our heart" and we love and grieve for them too. Co-moderators, Crystal Downey and Ralph Goodrich welcome you to this special closed page. Please check the TCF National web site at for their complete listing of all Nationals TCF closed Facebook groups.

4 Grief lasts LONGER THAN sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving. ~Elizabeth McCracken School Days Again a new school year is upon us, with it, it brings on a new feeling of our loss. Even though Steven was long out of school, it still brings on the memories. So if you are dreading the sight of the yellow busses, know I am thinking of you. The summer is mellowing as the days grow shorter The green on the trees seen to droop, and look a little duller. The lazy days of summer take on a busy hustle As families shop for school, each gets a new book satchel. Soon the quiet streets will be filled as children gather waiting The yellow bus to pick them up. OH! The anticipating. But the same old lessons to be learned, to them seems so trivial. New friends to make, and old ones too Make their days fly past too soon. But back at home a mother weeps for the child that this year misses No new clothes to buy, no more good-bye hugs and kisses. For her this joyful time just brings on more heartache Another school year starts, another milestone the child cannot make. So she dries her eyes and tries to go on for the children that remain But each new start, breaks her heart, it s hard to see the gain. So if the yellow school bus brings on tears for you this year Don t forget your Compassionate Friends, we are always standing near. ~Sheila Simmons TCF, Atlanta Please light a candle near a window at 8PM on 9/10/15 to show your support for suicide prevention, to remember a lost loved one, and for survivors of suicide. The loss of a loved one who has completed suicide. There are no perfect formulas for living through the loss of a loved one who has completed suicide. There are no absolutes, no real guidelines, only the sharing of common experiences and reactions that occur. No words can explain adequately the phenomenon of self-destruction. Nor can spoken language instruct a family in how to survive. As yet, we know no final answers. Hence, we must be satisfied with partial explanations, with guesses, and with the knowledge that each incident is different. True, there are common denominators but ultimately we must search for our own piece of the truth by living through the questions. When you are searching for truth, Richard Felder, M.D. of Atlanta, recommends that: Whatever you can find out about your feelings, or find inside yourself about the suicide, is the only way you can ever be real about it, Face it, what ever it is. From the book My Son...My Son...A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss of Suicide. By Iris Bolton You re Here, Now You re Gone You re here. Now you re gone. It went just that fast. Where d it begin? Where d it end? Like a flash of lightning in the sky. So bright and full of life. Now gone and full of emptiness. How d it start? Why didn t it stop? No one knows, but everyone cares. Your spirit is flowing in the air. You re not here, but you ll never be gone. You will always rise with the morning dawn You hold my heart It will never be torn apart. ~Catherine Ludlow, in memory of her sister, Cynthia, who died by suicide June Reprinted from Obelisk, Vol. 15, No. 45, a publication of Catholic Charities LOSS Program, Chicago, Illinois.

5 Was Received From: Pat & Rochelle Tracey In Loving Memory of: James Arthur Lackman 3/84-8/15 Remembrance What do we do when we love someone But they have gone away When all our days of bright sunlight Have turned to shades of gray? What do we say when no comfort comes From words of love and hope When efforts made seem pointless As we fight each day to cope? How do we act when we hear their name And we cannot help but cry This isn't fair, they were barely here It's not time to say goodbye! We promise them that they have made A place within our hearts Where they will live forever Though we are far apart Our hearts go out to his parents Dr. Vernon Lackman and Melissa as well as his siblings, Audrey & Chris. Love Gifts A Love Gift is a wonderful way to remember your child, grandchild, or sibling s birthday or angel dates or just to say I love you. What better way than to have their photo included in our newsletter along with a special memory, thought or message, article or poem from you. If anyone would like to make a donation in memory of their child, grandchild, or sibling you may give it to Alice or Diane at our meeting or mail it to Alice at Park Meadow Dr., Canyon Country, You can also the info to TCF.SCV@gmail.com Love gifts should be received by the 15th of the month to be placed in the following month s newsletter. What a special way to share and remember your loved one! Our chapter exists solely on voluntary, tax deductible donations. We thank you in advance for any donations you may be able to give or send. Your donations help to pay the expenses of our newsletter, purchase books & brochures, coffee & refreshments, new member s packets, our rental space and other miscellaneous supplies. They also fund our annual Balloon Release and Candle Lighting programs. We sincerely appreciate your support! We call upon the memories As time allowed and then Tuck them safely in our minds To visit now and again We cherish them as best we can Each smile, each word, each look We write the story they want told On the pages of life's book For most important is the vow We honor when they're gone Of sharing all they've given us From that moment on ~Donna Gerrior TCF Pasco County, FL In Memory of Rob May love be what you remember most! ~Darcie Sims

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