Excerpt from The Goldberg Nose Variations Written by Bruce J. Robinson

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1 Excerpt from The Goldberg Nose Variations Written by Bruce J. Robinson I'm an expert on...in this kind of thing. In any case... (flicking-off the picture) no reason for inspiration other than this: (flicking on a profile sketch of a man with a huge nose) our collective focus. Jerry Goldberg. (That of a large-nosed woman appears on the next screen.) Marla Goldberg. (A young boy with a similar profile's on the next.) Jesse Goldberg. (And finally, that of a young girl.) Jennifer Goldberg. My God! It's awesome. I feel like...like Gutzon Borglum in the Black Hills before starting Rushmore. This may be the planet's greatest single concentration of nose-meat. I don't get it. What? Why you're bothering with this.

2 Do I need a reason? It is the Christian-Capozzi Surgical Clinic. I am a full-partner in this practice, am I not? Right! Right. But you've always acquiesced to me in these matters. You've always managed to bully me into doing what you wanted. But this time...this time's different. Is it? Yes. We'll see. Yes. Hey, in matters of grafts and purely-medical procedures, I (overlapping) always acquiesce to you. (overlapping) That may be my expertise...but what you propose Look, Carla; real cosmetic surgery involves heroic means, meant to be used heroically. It's a brave, new, small-featured world. For example, did you see my paper in the "New England Journal of Facial Surgery?"

3 No. Here. (pitching her a magazine) "In Vitro Rhinoplasty," by Dr. J. Whitney Christian. You argue for..? Pre-natal nose-jobs! That's demented! If medical progress were entrusted to the unimaginative, to those who are unwilling to gamble - we'd still be leaching blood and uttering incantation. That might be a damn-sight better than the butchery that you... With the revolutionary techniques in micro-surgery, it's possible to treat the well-developed foetus. Now, the child no longer need suffer the physical pain of the operation or the psychological agony of derision heaped upon him by his fellows. Don't you think that a person should have the option of choosing whether or not to have the operation? What right-thinking human would abjure this procedure? What selfpreser-ving person would voluntarily welcome a huge, mid-face casaba? A strong nose can be very distinctive. Very grotesque, you mean - no offense.

4 None taken. Do you have any idea what, for example, Marlo Thomas had to go through in order to hide both her monumental ex-hooter and the fact of her procedure? Not procedure. Operation. Operation. Operation. Happy? Diction's the last refuge of the obfuscator. I'm sure that you're right. Marlo hired legion bonded temps with tiny erasers to comb all her yearbooks and snapshots and class pictures. Then, she hired artists to sketch facsimiles of her new nose. This is the end to which a rational human was driven. Why? Why!? Why! To...to hide the fact that her nose is other-than-natural. And you...and she expect any intelligent human to believe that the daughter of Danny Thomas and his gargantuan bugle would have that little...little piccolo? People are stupid. They believe what they're told.

5 (meaningfully) Dr. J. Whitney Christian - all people aren't quite so credulous as you seem to believe. Besides, in vitro rhinoplasty isn't that radical - especially in light of everything we've heard from the West Coast. Oh come now, Whit. You're not talking about that ridiculous rumor about that kid on Webster. Emmanuel Lewis. Right. Use your eyes. Look at him. Isn't it entirely possible that he's compiled of parts discarded by Cher and Michael Jackson? You're crazy! We're not here to discuss my mental health. Or lack thereof. We're here to do what we... We're here to maim and rip the flesh of a family trying to distance itself from how they were born. We're here to provide a service. I suggest, Doctor Capozzi, that if you don't want to do so; you resign.

6 Not that easily. What? You know; when pooling resources was financially necessary, I had no idea what a price I had to pay. Were you a complete jerk or did you become one? Look, if you don't like it - why don't you leave? This is my practice, my clientele, my building, my reputation! I'll make it financially worth your while. Everything can't be bought. Everyone doesn't have a price. That's where you're wrong, Doctor Capozzi. It may not be dollars and cents, but everyone has a price. What's yours? And what's yours? (For a long moment, they stare at each other.)