Running head: FINAL PROJECT 1

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1 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 1 COURSE TITLE: Communication and Conflict COURSE IDENTIFICATION: COMM INSTRUCTOR: Mr. Brian C. Pattie COURSE COMPLETED: Fall 2012 ASSIGNMENT TITLE: Personal Conflict Paper Assignment Project Description: The purpose of this paper was to analyze a specific conflict you have had or continued to have with a specific person. The relationship may have been ongoing or in the past. It was required to incorporate course concepts and terminology from the text, as well as other resources in the analysis and self-reflection. A minimum of six references were required in this paper. These could have been from a variety of sources such as academic journal articles, books, or electronic sources. The paper had a minimum requirement of ten to twelve pages plus a title and reference page. Reflections: This paper showcased my ability to apply real world experiences into an analyzed, critical paper. Not only did I incorporate my real life experience with developed communication concepts, but also researched and experimented theories. I wanted to include this paper in my best works because of the way I was able breakdown the encounters of my conflict and identify what each part represents. Also, this paper allowed me to apply an ongoing conflict with scholarly research.

2 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 2 Final Project: Conflict with Sharlia Maurer Lindsay Kaplan Communication and Conflict School of Communication Studies

3 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 3 II. Nature of the Conflict For the final project, I chose to analyze and discuss an ongoing conflict I have had and continue to have with my manager at work. Her name is Sharlia and she has been the store manager ever since I started working at Justice four years ago. The conflict between the two of us started shortly after I started working there, and has been ongoing ever since. In a nutshell, she has and does take advantage of my avoidant conflict style, and people pleaser quality. She tends to put pressure on me about things that I, as a sales associate, should not have to deal with or worry about. These type of things include being short staffed, covering shifts, and extending shifts last minute. Also, her overall attitude toward her employees and myself specifically has caused a conflict between the two of us. Nothing is ever good enough for her, even if I do a task, per say, exactly the way she asks me to do it. Also, as far as customer service goes, she has me give each customer the third degree. She will literally watch me like a hawk when I am in the front greeting. It is stressful and overwhelming when she does it and therefore I am bound to make a mistake due to my nerves. Over the years this has caused me to leave shifts crying, argue with her in the back room and on the phone, and lastly to almost quit after one year there. I believe that this conflict began as soon as Sharlia noticed and realized the type of person I was, and therefore knew she could finagle me into doing things easily. On the other hand, that is not to say I think she does the things that she does to me intentionally, and maliciously either. In any case, she does do them. The first conflict that really set this ongoing issue between the two us in motion was the day she yelled at me for not being able to stay an extra ten minutes after my scheduled shift to help bring the line down and ring some people out. I remember I had to leave right at the end of my shift to pick up my

4 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 4 sister and she was furious. She explained to me that I am part of a team, and that I need to be there to help out. This really constitutes as the beginning of our conflicts and the crux of our arguments. Though this may not seem like a huge thing, they occur an unnecessary and ridiculous amount. Recently, the nature of the conflict has changed. I have finally started to be able to say no when she needs help. Since the very beginning, I would always stay later, come in early, cover people shifts, and run all over for Sharlia. I finally realized that I needed to stop letting her walk all over me, and let me stand up for myself. I would stay late and come in early no matter the situation I was in. I cancelled so many plans to satisfy Sharlia, mostly so she would not get mad at me or argue with me. This has not eliminated our conflict, but has only made it worse. She now tells me that she doesn t have me to count on, and often skips over my name to call to cover a shift because she knows I will say no. When she recently told me this I was very frustrated because I still will help out when I can, but I will not bend over backwards and cancel plans just to go it. I feel as though she does not realize or see my efforts at all. Both a win-lose metaphor, and a neutral/objective metaphor can describe the conflict Sharlia and I encounter. Conflict is a struggle is the win-lose metaphor to describe our conflict. According to Wilmont & Hocker (2011), The conflict as a struggle metaphor implies that the process takes a lot of emotional and physical energy and may indeed turn out to be fruitless (p. 48). Our conflict is extremely draining and emotional as it is still ongoing, four years later. Our arguments always include some emotions, someway, with ultimately no resolution to the big picture. Yes, little issues within out big conflict get resolved frequently, but not the crux of the conflict itself. Sharlia tends to be

5 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 5 very hypocritical which I believe contributes to our conflict as a struggle. She constantly is on me about certain things that she does not perform herself. It is very difficult wanting to do a task a certain way, when she does not do it that way, or does not even do it at all. Or, I find it very frustrating when she tells me I can t have two holidays off in a row when she gives herself two holidays off in a row. Therefore when it comes time to talk about this, no resolution occurs as she makes up a million reasons why she is not being two-faced or hypocritical. Her reasons often associate with power, which I have discussed in further detail below. The neutral/objective metaphor that describes our conflict is conflict is a balancing act. This metaphor is described as a delicate balancing act, like that of a tightrope walker, or that of a rock climber, who must find just the right handholds or fall to sure death (Wilmont & Hocker, 2011, p. 51). I describe our conflict as such because whenever we are in an argument if I say one wrong word, she will go off on some big tangent asking me to explain what I mean. She will take every single word I say and somehow misconstrue it into something it wasn t supposed to intend to mean at all. Therefore, I do feel as though it is a balancing act with her, and that I need to be 100% accurate it everything I say. Therefore, I find myself preplanning everything I say. I will even write it out, and verbally practice it out loud to myself or someone else other than her. This way, I will avoid any further or deeper issues that may arise during our conflicts and arguments. McCorkle (1992) discussed the importance and benefits of studying interpersonal conflict metaphors. These included discovering which metaphors dominate the discourse of persons in conflict, explicating the assumptions of those metaphoric models,

6 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 6 and ultimately creating new metaphors that may offer more productive options to those in conflict (McCorkle, 1992, para 5). This was interesting to me and added on to my interest of metaphors to describe conflicts. I did not realize how beneficial identifying metaphors as conflicts could be. However, I was able to notice this through doing it with my own, personal conflict going on in my life. Also, it was neat to see that creating new metaphors could be more productive. In that case, I thought of a few that included conflict is like a sickness, and conflict is a mystery meaning I never know what I am going to face walking into work each day. According to Madlock (2008), conflict in the workplace is not necessarily negative; the determination as to whether positive outcomes are realized is dependant on how conflict is managed. Also, effective conflict management allows leaders to develop quality relationships with their employees. For example, developing quality workplace relationships is important because they promote constructive conflict, which enhances employee involvement and performance. This is what I would like our conflict to result in. I would like us to have constructive conflicts, where they are resolved properly, and therefore encourage me internally to work harder and give a solid performance. Our conflict right now is so negative, I would love to see it turn positively and have a successful outcome. III. Power Strictly due to position, Sharlia does have more power than I do, or so I think so. She has been with the business close to ten years now, while I have only been with the business for four years. Saying so, Sharlia is very good at the job, and is extremely knowledgeable in almost all aspects. One aspect she does lack in, however, is

7 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 7 maintaining a low turnover rate. This rate is very high, and has been since I have started. Like I said above, I almost quit shortly after starting. She however managed to keep me there. When I look back on that situation now, I do have to believe that she did/does think of me highly, and that I did/do have some power. The difference of positions between the two of us definitely complicates the conflict occurring. For instance, there have been times during an argument where I would like to say something, but I know I could not because it would be very disrespectful. She is in a higher position than I am, and has more experience, therefore I know there are limits on what I can, and cannot say. For example, she was very upset and disappointed with my availability this semester. She explained that I did not have a big enough availability, and that I should be available more. She explained that she had previous employees that went to college, and worked two jobs. This really irritated me because I know she herself did not even go to college so I couldn t really understand how she could have possible had the nerve to say that to me. All I wanted to do was scream that she didn t even go to college so she can t talk, but I knew my limits and instead just shook my head and agreed. According to Dunleavy (2010), communication between a superior and a subordinate is most likely to be the most important factor in determining the superior s power and influence (para 3). I found this research to be very interesting and relevant to my conflict with Sharlia. I do wonder since I am so avoidant in my communication style, if that adds on to the high position power she already has. I wonder if I confronted her and called her out on more things she would settle down on her power. Also, this makes

8 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 8 me think about how she confronts other employees who are lower than I am, or even her assistant managers. IV. Styles In almost all of our conflicts or arguments I choose the avoidance style, while Sharlia will take on a more competitive style. Together, our conflicts are temporarily resolved by using compromise/collaborative styles. I tend to avoid all conflict in my life, and this remains the same with the conflict between Sharlia and I. First, I always avoid face-to-face discussions about the conflict. This leads to phone conversations where I then again avoid by not giving my opinions and/or honest feelings about some of the things we are arguing about. Instead, I tend to say what I know she wants to hear and what will end the conflict quickly and painlessly. Avoiding, however, does have a few negative outcomes attached. Though it may seem like the fixer at the time, it ultimately hinders the chance to really solve and come up with a solution for a conflict in general. This is supported by the following research. According to Afifi (2009), avoidance styles have been shown to lead to relationship dissatisfaction, dissolution, and distress. Also, there tends to be more emotional distancing when a conflict style of avoidance is used. While this research may lean more toward the relationship conflict between intimate partners, it still proposes valid statements for my situation as well. I do agree with this research as I have the same feelings about our relationship. As I avoid more, our relationship tends to be more fake, and less real. Also, our relationship feels awkward as if she can almost sense I avoided the conflict, and my true feelings. On the other hand, Sharlia tends to compete where she wins and I lose. According to Wilmont & Hocker (2011), this style of competition includes aggressive

9 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 9 and uncooperative behavior-pursuing your own concerns at the expense of another trying to win the argument without adjusting to the other s goals and desires (p. 157). This describes Sharlia s approach and attitude exactly. She not only needs to win, but she also needs to express the fact that she is right, and I am wrong. No matter what I say, or what examples I provide, she always finds a way to shut my thoughts down, and explain why hers are correct. She always tends to come off very aggressive when she comes to me about an issue she is having, or about something I have done wrong. For example, she will ask rhetorical questions in a nasty voice, she will use inappropriate sarcasm, and lastly, she will just simply express mean emotions. One thing I will give Sharlia credit for is her collaboration style in the end. Though she is very competitive and aggressive during the conflict, by the end she does find a way that I will benefit from the solution as well. For example, if I cover someone else s shift, or pick up a last minute shift, she will then take away one of my upcoming shifts. The irritating part about this, however, is that she makes it seem as though she is being so extremely nice and going out of her way to accommodate me as well. Yes, it is nice of her, but she definitely over exaggerates it way too much. V. Assessment Sharlia and I conflict is extremely repetitive. This characteristic of our conflict is the most frustrating and draining part. We tend to have the same arguments about the same things. This repetition always occurs probably because we only always have the same temporary solutions. Either we bypass the root of the issue and just find a temporary fix, or I give in so that the issue on hand can be fixed in that moment of time.

10 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 10 All three of my sisters, and my mom have been drawn into this conflict between Sharlia and I. This mainly occurs because I always come home after work and vent about what went down between the two of us that day. It has gotten to the point where I now ask my mom for advice on what to say to her and how to approach the situation. I also ask my sisters as well because I honestly could use all the opinions I can get because she is so difficult to deal with. My older sister in particular used to work in retail, and with a manager similar to mine so she often helps me out in how to approach her, the situation, and our conflict in general. One thing she has told me that I have found to be very helpful is to cut straight to the point, and to not add in all this extra words and unnecessary statements. She has told me to just straight up say what you feel, and leave it at that, and let her think about it, and respond to it. I often find myself elaborating because I am nervous. This has only backfired. I would really like to see our ongoing conflict get resolved because I absolutely love working where I work, and with the people that I do. I have come a long way, and have become very experienced. I have developed a love and passion for what I do and for the customers I work with. The only thing making this job bad for me is my conflicts with Sharlia. Since she is the store manager, and my manager, it is hard to enjoy all other aspects of the job because she is always there to tell me what I did wrong, or start confrontations with me. In the workplace it is a lot easier to avoid your fellow employees, but not your boss. You are bound to communicate with them all the time. Overall, I think a conversation where everything is brought out on to the table is necessary for us in hopes of moving past our conflict. VII. Solutions

11 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 11 I honestly think a lot of our conflicts and issues could have been handled better, thus resulting in a more successful outcome and resolution. I think both of us need to work toward a more compromising and/or collaborating conflict style. We need to find a happy medium; I need to be less avoidant, and she needs to be less competitive. We both need to let go of those somewhat. After that happens, Sharlia needs to be a little more understanding, and I need to open up about my feelings and thoughts about the argument we are having at the moment in time. I need to be able to confront those issues right then and there, and not hesitate or brush them off; this has only proven to make things worse and drag our conflicts on. Research below brings up the importance of mediation skills in resolving conflicts and figuring out solutions. According to Lincoln (2001), Listening and communication skills are needed to diffuse conflicts Cultural differences, misunderstandings, lack of information, rumors, and hear-say too often lead to the degeneration of positive communication, tolerance, and respect fro humanity and peaceful negotiation (para 10). The part that says listening skills are needed to diffuse conflicts particularly stood out to me because this is something so simple, yet so powerful. I know this because of my own situations I have encountered throughout the conflict with Sharlia. I don t feel like she is actually listening to me most of the time, therefore cannot understand where exactly my thoughts are coming from. I think she lets my words go in one ear and out the other. I think this because I will express real concerns to her, and she will not accommodate them. I don t want to think they are deliberate but sometimes I do. Maybe it is because she just doesn t simply listen. Also, I have noticed that a lot of misunderstanding and lack of information occurs between the two of us, and according to this research, negatively

12 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 12 impacts our ability to solve our conflict. Sharlia tends to think that I know and that I am aware of more things than I actually am. Therefore, when I miss something or don t know about something she gets very irritated. Saying so, she needs to make sure I am aware of more things, and know exactly what is going on. At this point, I am not at all satisfied with the current outcome and solutions to our conflict. Yes, there definitely has been improvement, but not enough. If we do run into a conflict, I want us to be able to constructively evaluate what went wrong and understand what the issue is, and resolve it in a successful way right then and there. I don t want to drag this ongoing conflict on any longer. I think we both feel the same way, I just think one us needs to take action and do something about it. VIII. Prevention Overall, I think this conflict between Sharlia and I was inevitable. Sharlia is who she is, and some of her unchangeable qualities led to our ongoing conflict. That is not to say I faulty for the start of the conflict as well. As I was writing this paper, I realized how silly our conflict really is, and needs to come to an end. A lot of unnecessary fights, arguments, and hurt feelings occurred that could have been easily avoided. A third part has not been used, however I think it would help us resolve our conflict. About a year ago, I had an issue with another manager and Sharlia sent me in the backroom to talk to that manager about the issues I had been having with her. The conversation didn t seem to go smoothly so Sharlia asked me if I wanted her to come sit in and help things so smoothly. I was hesitant about this idea, but it actually helped things go well and solutions and resolutions occurred quickly and painlessly. Saying so, I do believe a third party is a good idea in our case. Specifically, I think the district manager

13 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 13 would pose as a great third party. According to Huang (2003), third-party mediation plays a critical role in conflict resolution. Mediators that have considerable authority would not need to be explicit in asking for favor or face. People who are in dispute are supposed to have the social intelligence to respond accordingly when such authoritative mediators are present. This research backs up my notion for having a third party step in to resolve our conflict. The mediator controls the process. Also, the mediator acts as the listener, suggestion-giver, and the formulator of final agreements to which both sides have contributed (Wilmont & Hocker, 2011, p. 279). As I said above, I have always taken suggestions from my family members, so I think taking suggestions from an unbiased outsider, mediator could only benefit the two of us in the long run. Overall, I have learned a lot through analyzing this ongoing conflict I have had with my manager at work, Sharlia. Through writing this paper my eyes were opened up to some of the easily avoidable attributes our conflict entails/entailed. Also, it has taught me some valid and useful conflict management skills that I can change and fix in order to have successful and less conflicts with Sharlia. I need to work on my approach and specific conflict style I use, and therefore I will have a better result. In all, I am glad I was able to write this paper because it forced me to think back, and dig deep into some of our earlier conflicts that still occur now, and how to end them. I have learned and taught myself, through this paper, how to end our ongoing conflict.

14 Running head: FINAL PROJECT 14 References Afifi, T. D., McManus, T., Steuber, K., & Coho, A. (2009). Verbal avoidance and dissatisfaction in intimate conflict situations. Human Communication Research, 35(3), doi: /j x Dunleavy, K., Chory, R. M., & Goodboy, A. K. (2010). Responses to deception in the workplace: Perceptions of credibility, power, and trustworthiness. Communication Studies, 61(2), doi: / Huang, Y. (2003). Towards factors contributing to integrative conflict resolution: A cross-cultural perspective. International Communication Association, doi:12231 Lincoln, M. G. (2001). Conflict resolution education: A solution for peace. Communications & The Law, 23(1), 29. Madlock, P. (2008). Communication competence, the key to leadership, conflict management, and employee job satisfaction. National Communication Association, 1. McCorkle, S., & Mills, J. L. (1992). Rowboat in a hurricane: Metaphors of interpersonal conflict management. Communication Reports, 5(2), Wilmont, W. W., & Hocker, J. L. (2011). Interpersonal Conflict (8 th Ed). Boston: McGraw-Hill.