I Have A Friend Who is Having Trouble With His Kids. children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

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1 I Have A Friend Who is Having Trouble With His Kids February 4, 2018 Ephesians 6:1-4 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 "Honor your father and mother" which is the first commandment with a promise 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." 4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. When I initially prepared the topics for this series I sat down and catalogued the various issues that many of our members had indicated that they or their friends were dealing with. This particular topic was one that, in raw numbers, was pretty high on the list in the number of incidents reported. To begin with I thought that this issue would be a perfect for topic for me to preach about. After all, I stand here today as the father of three pretty successful children. None of them have ever spent time in jail. None were kicked out of school. All three graduated from college, each in just four years. All three have been off the Stratton family payroll for a long time, are living on their own and have are already attained success in the business world. They come home on holidays and call often to see how we re doing. I actually enjoy being with them. They can carry on conversations about lots of topics, they believe in Jesus and are generally fun to be around. Other adults whom I respect comment positively often about their abilities, demeanor, and behavior. Some people even speak about them somewhat enviously. This message ought to be easy for me. Look at the results Gayle and I did a great job. All I would have to do is look back and hit the high points, tell a few funny stories and then when you all filed out I would hear, 1

2 Pastor Jeff that message was great. Pastor Jeff, I am going home right now and put those principles to work and shape my kids up er my friend will after I share my sermon notes with her. But, somewhere between research and preparation I got a little lost. I got lost because I have heard enough seminar teachers and other pastors teach and preach messages directed to parents that take a similar tact as I was contemplating. You know where you hear the words or the impression is left that if you don't do what I'm telling you, your kids will turn out bad. Or, "If you want your kids to turn out right, then you need do these six things with them." Young parents, desperate to have their children grow up to be fine, upstanding, moral and God-loving adults hang on every word. They put into practice all the points in the program "10 Ways to raise Godly Children." They stay away from the "10 Ways to raise a Rebel" and they pray. Then when Johnny or Susie grows up and rebels, they feel like failures. The same sermon that blessed their heart and gave them hope, now makes them feel like spiritual washouts. Meanwhile Jimmie and Carol grew up to be wonderful children and their parents didn't even attend church faithfully or get involved in any kind of ministry. Sometimes you can do all the right things and you still have trouble with your kids. Sometimes you have done nothing right and they turn out great. Perhaps raising wonderful kids is little more than a spin of the wheel or a toss of the dice. When I took a look back at what we did with three wonderful kids named April, Jay and Katie I realized that I could not say with complete certainty that what we did would 2

3 reproduce the same results in another home or even within our home if we did it all over again someone shoot me if we ever try! How I think God would have me to proceed is first to give you a few general statements that I have either stolen from someone else and can t remember that I have or secondly, they are wisdom that I have stumbled into like the man dying of thirst in the desert who happens upon the one five foot water hole completely by chance that lies within hundreds of square miles of sand. First, resist the temptation to follow any formula, no matter who gives it, whether it be Spock or Dobson and instead try to live by the general principles in which we see expounded in scripture. Secondly, remember to balance those principles with a no-guarantees philosophy that takes into account that every person is a free moral agent and will have to make their own choices in life and because we don t always make the best choices, even when we know what is best, that your kids may make some bad choices. And, some of them may be very bad and even perhaps deadly. Thirdly, in light of statement #2, your children s bad choices are not your fault, sometimes they are, but most times they are not. Likewise, you cannot always take credit for their successes. I may not have looked hard enough but I have not been very successful at finding many crystal clear examples of excellent parenting where the kids turned out. As a matter, of fact, many of the famous dads of the bible ended up with some rather tragic situations: Jacob, Eli and David to name a few. Eli raised at least three kids, two turned out 3

4 very bad, Hophni and Phineas and one good, Samuel. Perhaps God, in his wisdom is telling us that there is no magic formula for raising kids. Fourth, I would discourage anyone who has yet to raise children to speak with absolute authority on raising children. I have heard many pastors with no children speak very boldly about raising kids and many pastors of young children talk boldly about raising teenagers. Directions are often great in theory but practically are useless. Gayle and I have also many times thought that you also couldn t really call yourself a parent until you had more than one. Finally, there are general principles in scripture that must be learned and taught as well as preached. The book of Proverbs and Ephesians carry excellent principles for parents and children. Those principles should be exercised with authority and without excuse. We are admonished as parents to teach our children and children are admonished to obey their parents. We will both be held accountable for our actions or lack thereof. Now as much as I hate to admit it, being one of those rebellious young men from the seventies, I have pretty much become my father. I am fighting a daily battle to make sure Gayle does not become her mother. But, we must realize that much of what our children become is as much caught as taught. Our kids inherit much of what they are from everything that swirls around them. I can look at my life and realize that I am a little more than snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. I am a little bit of a man by the name of Kieth Domer, my boy scout leader. I am a bit of Russ Deeds my Babe Ruth baseball coach. I am a bit of Jim Keim, my high school tennis coach. I am a bit of my Uncle Clyde and a lot 4

5 like my youth pastor Jon Carlstrom and a lot more like my father. I pray that in all things I am becoming more and more like Jesus. I have inherited something from each of them and much from many more. We and our kids are bits and pieces of all the people and experiences that make up our past. After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy husband finally confronted her. "Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million." "Don t be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don t care who left it to you." We must care about from whom our children inherit principles and traits from so my first word of advice would be to guard where your children go, what they do and from whom they do it with. Bad company will always corrupt good morals and bad principles in your child s environment will always corrupt good. What are our children, grandchildren inheriting from us? First, Children Will Inherit Your Principles. First graders were asked to draw a picture of God in their Sunday School class. Their finished products contained some interesting theology. One kid had God depicted in the form of a brightly colored rainbow. Another presented Him as an old man coming out of the clouds. An intense little boy drew God with a remarkable resemblance to Superman. The best snapshot came from a little girl. She said, "I didn t know what God looked like, so I just drew a picture of my daddy." When our children look at us, do they see any of God in us? Deuteronomy 6:6-9 tells us, 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. 5

6 Our children will see God in us when we let them know in word and deed how important our faith and practice is. We need to teach our children about the principle of Religion. When I speak of religion here I m speaking of the one true undefiled religion which is belief in the God of the Bible. Note-Before we can properly, and adequately teach our children about the Lord, and his word those words must first of be in our own hearts! Don t expect your children to believe something that you don t! Don t expect your children to be obedient if you re not! Many Christians seem outraged that prayer, and bible reading is not allowed in the schools and yet very seldom do either one within the walls of their own homes. I heard many express their anger and shock that The Ten Commandments were removed from the court house laws all over the country. But I wonder if there is any scripture that has a place of importance in their homes and more importantly is it written within our hearts and are we inscribing it upon the hearts of our children? These things are caught. Listen to the example of these two men whom I read about recently in a book I am reading. One man, Max Jukes, did not believe in religion and married a girl of the same opinion. From this union came 1,026 descendants. Studies showed that 300 died prematurely; over 100 spent time in prison; 190 committed various crimes and misdemeanors but were not sentenced to prison; nearly 100 were diagnosed with chronic alcoholism. It was determined that this one family cost the state of New York nearly 100 million dollars! A second man, Jonathan Edwards, believed in God and in his Christian training and married a girl of like character. From that union 729 descendants were studied and they discovered that 300 became 6

7 ministers, 65 were college professors, 13 were university presidents; 6 became published authors; 3 U.S. Congressmen and 1 was vice president of the United States. We are to teach them about relationships. Let them see the best about the institution of marriage and the importance of the family. We should teach them about true responsibility. People today have become experts at playing the "blame game". Everyone it seems wants to blame someone or something else for their problems. We must teach our children to be responsible and to assume responsibility for their own actions. The Bible tells us that we will all appear before the judgment seat of God, better to learn how to judge our own actions, repent of them receive forgiveness and how we might correct our errors here before we pay for them over there. Secondly, children inherit our priorities. There are at least two priorities that I believe are essential if we are to mitigate problems with our kids. The first is the priority of truth. We talked about the truth a few weeks ago. It is appalling that over 50% of our society believe that it is ok to tell a lie. And that over 80% believe it is alright in some situations to cheat on a test or falsify information on a resume. The second essential priority should be the priority of time. Children always spell love like this t-i-m-e. How much time do we spend with our children? I have heard it said that what is important is not quantity but quality. Might I suggest you try that argument with your boss. Tell him/her that you re going to give them one quality hour of work each day and expect to get paid for eight hours. Then see how long you have that job. The Harry Chapin song Cats In The Cradle has always been sobering. I won t give you the whole set of words but the words 7

8 in the song that always seems cause a lump to appear in my throat are, And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, He d grown up just like me, my boy was just like me. My child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch and bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talkin fore I knew it, and as he grewhe d say, "I m gonna be like you, Dad" "You know I m gonna be like you" And the cat s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon "When you comin home, Dad?" "I don t know when, but we ll get together then" "You know we ll have a good time then" My son turned ten just the other day He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let s play" "Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today, I got a lot to do" He said, "That s ok" And he walked away but his smile never dimmed And said, "I m gonna be like him, yeah" "You know I m gonna be like him" And the cat s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon "When you comin home, Dad?" "I don t know when, but we ll get together then" "You know we ll have a good time then" Well, he came home from college just the other day So much like a man I just had to say "Son, I m proud of you, can you sit for a while?" He shook his head and then said with a smile "What I d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys" "See you later, can I have them please?" And the cat s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon 8

9 "When you comin home, Son?" "I don t know when, but we ll get together then" "You know we ll have a good time then" I ve long since retired, my son s moved away I called him up just the other day I said, "I d like to see you if you don t mind" He said, "I d love to, Dad, if I can find the time" "You see my new job s a hassle and kids have the flu" "But it s sure nice talking to you, Dad" "It s been sure nice talking to you" And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me He d grown up just like me Yeah, my boy was just like me And the cat s in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon "When you comin home, Son?" "I don t know when, but we ll get together then" "You know we ll have a good time then" Finally, children will inherit our practices. The bus was packed on a hot summer afternoon in Pheonix Arizona. The traffic was heavy, and the passengers were impatient. Soon a man became irate that he was going to be late for a meeting, and started cursing. As he passed the driver to exit the bus at his stop, the bus driver said to him..."sir, you ve left something behind" The man turned to look back. The driver continued..."you left behind a bad impression!" What kind of impressions are we leaving on, and with our children by our actions/attitudes? They are inheriting our practices everyday! It is foolish to think that we can live one way, and expect our children to live another! If we attend church, more than likely our children will. If we pray, more than likely that our children will pray. However, the opposite is true as well. If we curse, lie, steal it is more than likely our children will as well. Remember the examples of our two men from before? 9

10 While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. "That s my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He s a fine looking boy," the man said. "That s my son on the swing in the blue sweater." Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. "What do you say we go, Todd?" Todd pleaded, "Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart s content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. "Time to go now?" Again Todd pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "Okay." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is... I get five more minutes to watch him play." In closing this message reflect for a moment on your relationship with your children or on your friends relationship with their children. How is it? What are they inheriting from you? Is your faith the way that you would like to pass it along to your children? How bout your priorities? Your practices? Would you be pleased, and proud to see your children practicing what you practice? If you re unsaved, the most significant thing that you can do is get things right with God. If you re saved, the most significant thing that you can do is continue to follow Christ. If you are backslidden the most significant thing you can do is get back to where 10

11 you need to be. 11