Authority as Fathers and Mothers

Transcription

1 Authority as Fathers and Mothers INTRO / CONTEXT We've had some dedications recently - one of the promises we make as a church community - we agree to help in raising the child, taking responsibility together as a community. The African proverb that it takes a community to raise a child is true. So, for those here without children you are still included you may or may not have children of your own someday, but for now I need your help raising mine! For those who have older children who have maybe moved out, or started their own families - you still have a role not only in sharing your wisdom directly in your own family - financial and emotional no doubt, but also to those of us on the journey, - offering wisdom, advice, support, encouragement, prayer. What I am saying is that whilst this is a talk about authority in the home, particularly around parent child relationships it is relevant to all of us. On top of this, there is a calling on us all to receive the parenting of God in our lives and to pass this on as fathers and mothers to a broken world. Sharing our knowledge, skills and gifts - passing them on, training them to grow up as good citizens, providing discipline, security, family. Help make good choices, form positive, strong, stable relationships So there is a prophetic element in this for us all to grasp. It is relevant to our discipleship of one another and out evangelism of those who don't yet know Jesus SCRIPTURES Ephesians 6:1-4 (NIV) Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (MSG: - v1, Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. v4, Fathers, don t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.) (NLT) Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. Honour your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honour your father and mother, things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 (NIV) For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory. (MSG: - With each of you we were like a father with his child, holding your hand, whispering encouragement, showing you step-bystep how to live well before God, who called us into his own kingdom, into this delightful life.) Two main aspects - for parents and for children children - obey (and honour - if only it were that easy -our challenge is to inspire this) fathers/parents - don t provoke to anger or exasperate or be hard on, discipline/train, instruct, take them by the hand and lead in God s ways, encourage, comfort, urge to live worthy lives, show them step by step through our example, help them know and be part of God s call into Kingdom life. The part the child has to play is much easier when they understand the part we as parents are called to to obey someone who has your best at heart, who wants to train you, encourage you, comfort you and help you live a life worthy of the Kingdom should not seem like hardship. However, we know this to be true of God he has the best for us, but how many times do we act like disobedient children before Him? MODELLING The role of a parent is definitely not an easy one. The context for bringing up children, in the ideal scenario, is a family. Family starts 1

2 with a marriage - Husbands and wives - more on this next week when Joy speaks, but a reminder that vows we make when we marry are I will not you will. We promise we will do our bit, we recognise that we are a team each with a role to play - we mutually submit to one another, support and encourage one another. This is the foundation into which children are meant to be brought up - perhaps the biggest part of our parenting is what we model together, the way we treat one another, rather than even our direct interaction with our children. I cannot tell my child to share or be kind, if what they see in me, and particularly in my relationship with Mel (the person I profess to love, honour and obey - for the whole of life) doesn t include sharing and being kind. The same is true in our community - how can we parent and instruct the world to be kind and sharing if that is not what they see in us. The same promise becomes true with how we bring up our kids it is an I will rather than you will so we model for them what they need to see in us. It is not that common for people to learn by just being told we need to see and experience. That is part of our rationale behind Shine we don t just send our kids to be taught and told things by others, we engage and grow as family together and we model what family and relationship with God looks like as a community for each other but also for the community beyond our doors. It is more of an investment from us as parents, it would be much easier to not do so and send our kids off so we can do adult things and listen to a talk, but we are aiming to invest in a bigger vision, encouraging us all to be active rather than passive, engaging as families. Having done this as a family there are times when it is hard times when our kids mess around and won t engage well, when at certain ages things don t fully fit and we feel we are just policing them rather than growing them in God but these have been stages and seasons rather than the full picture. Engaging with my family, worshiping together with my children, being part of their journey of relationship with God, hearing them pray both at Shine and outside, seeing them come alive, hearing from God and growing in gifts of the spirit, is life giving more than any talk I can remember listening to. It only happens like this though when we invest ourselves into the process and are part of it. You get out what you put in. The Biblical model was always family when God came and spoke to the people in one form or another through a leader or a prophet, scripture records that the people gathered together to hear, men, women and children together. The children didn t hear second-hand, nothing was filtered. As we model I want my children to have unfiltered access to God just as I do, I want to them to grow in relationship with God not just knowledge of God Shine is a model for us to do that as families and to continue our exploration together through the week. This model is reflective of Gods heart for us and for modelling God's desire for his people through family to the community around. When we first moved here it was part of what was prophesied over us that the community would be watching and would see that a family has come to town the community around are looking for family and we have the privilege of modelling it for them, and inviting them to be part of it. So much of what our children learn from us is based on what they see in us. Beyond Sundays modelling is clearly a Biblical parenting principle showing them step-by-step, through our own example how to live. Not just how to engage with God in Shine, but how to be kind, loving, generous, caring. How to budget, cook, do DIY, care for our world, demonstrate justice and mercy. This is not just true of our behaviour - shouting stop shouting at our kids for example, which happens more than I d like to admit, I find myself doing it and catching myself thinking what kind of example sometimes it feels like the only way to be heard. And maybe that is perhaps what our children are feeling in that moment too maybe they re competing to be heard. It is not just true of our behaviour, it is also true of our faith and how far we reach for God, how bold we choose to be, the beliefs we put into practice. Telling our kids, they can rely on God and take all things to him needs to be reinforced by us living this way rather than running around fixing things ourselves. I find that to parent and teach my children, discipline them and train them into good human beings, much of the work is focussed on me - God often highlights things to me in my parenting and I have to allow Him to work on me so that I can model for my kids what I know is right. We get to be vulnerable in these moments too. We don t have it all sewn up. We don t have all the answers - despite sometimes what our children believe. Allowing children to see that and empowering them to input us, to challenge us and to know that our relationship is not one of power and control over them is life giving. Knowing that it is ok to not always have an answer is freeing and 2

3 sets an example that it is ok and that remaining teachable and open to learning is a lifelong skill. Parenting isn t a one-way street and learning and growing is just as much a parent role as it is a child s. BOUNDARIES Encouragement, comfort, helping, and not angering, however, have to work in tandem with discipline, correction and instruction. If we only do the former, scripture says we will spoil the child if we only encouraged, comforted and gave whatever a child asked it is easy to see why they may not grow and learn how to do things for themselves or cope with the world around. Discipline isn t always pleasant - like going running in the rain when you don t really want to but if you re going to run a marathon the discipline of getting out even when the sun isn t shining will pay off quite literally in the long run. Our challenge is to do the complete package in such a way that breeds respect rather than fear, that makes us the place our children want to run to when in trouble, hurt, in need, wanting to celebrate, to share good news, to rant and express our emotions. For this we need to be vulnerable and approachable and provide a two-way street, as well as providing clear, secure boundaries. The sweet stuff needs a mould. So, whilst the relationship may not be one-way, it is not totally equal either - boundaries are necessary. Children need us to be parents to them, not just friends or an older brother or sister. If we fail to put appropriate boundaries in place and don t stick to them, or hold our children to them when needed we dishonour them. Boundaries demonstrate value for what is within them. We value our homes and the contents of them more than what is beyond - the boundaries keep safe what is contained. So it goes from home, to neighbourhood, to city, to country. It is true of relationships as well. No-one but Mel is invited into our marriage relationship - it is exclusive and that demonstrates value, the same goes for family and friends - which is why it is such an honour to people when we invite them in - when we invite friends to eat with us, or bring someone into community - we place value and honour on those we invite. In families, the boundaries we put in place around our roles as parents and children give value and honour to our children - they provide security and safety as they navigate the challenges of growing up. The same is true in how we prophetically live our roles as fathers and mothers in the world - we create boundaries that instil value and demonstrate honour, we invite people in and have a role to play within the boundaries that are created. As parents, we have a role to grow up our children and help them become all they can be - securing their identity, giving them life skills they need, teaching and showing them what healthy relationships look like. Inevitably children don t immediately decide to take up all our advice as parents, anyone who has young children will no doubt have countless stories about this, there is a role here for discipline here too. There is no such thing as a child who can t be disciplined or given boundaries - TV shows like Supernanny prove this I think! In fact, all children (and indeed all adults) need boundaries - God has provided them for us - He has given us boundaries, letting us know what is and isn t good for us, even letting us know the consequences and the things we let ourselves in for when we go beyond them. Hebrews 12 demonstrates too that God loves us enough to discipline us as necessary, as a loving Father does to draw us back. DISCIPLINE / DRAWING OUT IDENTITY This is possibly one of the biggest challenges in parenting - how do we discipline? How do we model grace whilst at the same time ensuring boundaries remain in place? How do we demonstrate that consequences are real without it simply being punishment because our control hasn t worked? Seriously how do we do this? Tell me, I d love to know! Our primary role in discipline is not to punish the wrong or to enforce control and compliance, but to draw out the best in our children, investing in their true identity. To grow our children and lead them, helping them navigate right and wrong and becoming the people they have been created to be drawing out their God given identity. Many of you have probably got this covered, but I definitely don t always find it easy! I don t know if God has been having a little joke with me or if this is just coincidental, but since finding I had this topic to speak on our kids have not been the sweet, kind, loving bundles of joy that they present themselves to others as being. Joha is quite well known for being polite to people he says please, thank you, you re welcome, can I help you? And a variety of other things that are lovely he 3

4 enjoys having a task to do and loves to be helpful. That s not quite always the case at home Joha has been going through quite an aggressive phase at the moment maybe he is growing again or having a hormone surge or something, but he has been verbally threatening on a regular basis certainly anytime there is discipline involved, or something doesn t go as he wanted, or the he defiantly threatens retaliation, physically threatens with fists, does from time to time actually hit. It s at these times the boundaries are certainly tested. I should also say it isn t just Joha, Bethea has her moments as well and often the two of them set each other off. Joha is, however, currently quite trying. As an example, last week we had one such incident Joha at bedtime - rude, threatening, hitting things and it had been going on for sometime, he d been told off earlier, we d talked about his behaviour on several occasions, we called out the good we know is there, but no change. As it was nearly bed time there were a limited number of consequences left for his actions and I told him that if he carried on then he wouldn t get a bed time story. I asked him if he understood, he said yes, and said ok. Straight away he carried on with the aggression and hit a door, shouted, made some verbal threats and shook his fist with an angry face. Good start I thought. This is going well. I reminded him of the consequences and gave him a final warning to which his response was much the same as it had been. At which point I said he couldn t have stories, but had the opportunity to turn things around and win them back. Things continued downhill. Parenting at its best obviously. It was a difficult situation the consequences were clear, they were understood but the behaviour didn t change so I had to say there would be no stories. Queue a massive melt down with much begging lots of pleading, not so much apologising. Sadness at the consequence not the way others had been treated. I m there, while Mel and Bethea are cuddled up in our bed having a lovely time reading stories together, standing in the hallway with a child that had turned into a ball of tears and snot trying to work out where to go next trying to balance the discipline that shows the boundaries are real and that actions have consequences and that behaving badly then crying at the outcome wasn t the way forward (which is sometimes how we approach God ourselves), with the desire to demonstrate Grace and reflect the heart and love of God. Just your average Tuesday evening. I manage to get Joha into his bedroom and we talk for a while about his behaviour and the consequences and what message he would get/learn if I just give in now, well I talk and he intermittently listens, interspersing his efforts with pleading. I am looking for ways to show him some grace and try to give some more opportunities for this. I ask him to go to the toilet so he is ready for bed, hoping that if he can manage to do so without more pleading or protesting or anger that I can say well done let s read a story. Before he s even moved he is straight in with if I do it can I have a story - I m trying to leave room for grace rather than it just being about him earning it so I say, let s see please can you just go to the toilet and come back, he seems slightly calmer, I m hopeful. The next thing I know he s slamming toilet seats and stomping around in anger again. Even when I m trying to show grace we go back to where we were earlier. Eventually I get him up to his bed, still no story at this stage and I don t quite know where to go with it, I m internally talking to God and grappling with this fine line of grace, discipline, boundaries, compassion for my little ball of angry snot. We talk some more and I ask Joha what he would do if things were the other way around and he says he wouldn t read me stories. He starts to then seem slightly more sorry for his behaviour but goes into self-pity saying that he is bad, rather than just his actions which I then have to correct and try to draw the distinction drawing out his real self who is the kind, caring, funny, helpful boy the rest of you know. Eventually things turn around and we get to read a story, he experiences some grace, feels better and goes to bed happy. I then go downstairs and collapse from emotional exhaustion. Most parents will recognise plenty in that story. If only it happened once and then lessons were learned, but it is regular often daily or more. But it is a season and it will pass. Maybe in these moments our kids aren t giving us a hard time but are having a hard time. Recognising that bad behaviour in a child isn t just because they are naughty, but more likely because they are not coping with something tiredness, emotions, pressures of school, friendships, growing up, insecurities helps us to bring appropriate responses. It isn t always easy in the moment, in the face of their anger, to not see the red mist rise. It is just as true for us I am quite productive in life and get a lot done, when I am working to my strengths I am able to juggle many things, to delegate tasks, to assist and help others to learn how to do things but because I know I am productive and can do things in times of stress or weakness I tend to stop delegating, stop helping others learn and take things back on myself it ll be easier and quicker to just do it myself which doesn t help my workload or stress, but is a default 4

5 position in my weakness. If I as an adult do this, how much more will our children. When tired and stressed our kids operate from weakness anger, shouting, selfishness the opposite of their true selves which may usually be kind, loving, caring. When we only see the behaviour, the response tends to be more towards punishment, when we see beyond we find ways to help them through distress and provide encouragement and grace drawing out their true selves for Joha he is genuinely kind, caring and compassionate, he can empathise and has a desire to help others and play his part, he is fun and energetic and passionate and loving and full of life. My hope is that in the time when Bethea and Joha are struggling, and behaviour deteriorates, anger and negative emotions rise, I can still see them as who they are and have the wisdom and grace to draw this out. In my story from last week I didn t necessarily demonstrate perfect parenting I m sure there were times when I described what I did or said you could see what would happen next, and maybe I could have done things better. The truth is I am an imperfect parent, bringing up imperfect children. The outcome, how our children turn out, depends on both how I parent, and how they receive my parenting I can t force a way of behaving or force my kids to learn what I want from teachable moments. Moreover, being imperfect myself I need help from others in bringing up my children. The world finds itself in a similar position no one of us will be able to affect enough change to have a significant enough impact on our own our call is to rise up as the children of God, to be revealed to a watching, hurting broken world and take the love, discipline, encouragement, correction, comfort, step by step leading, we are receiving from our Father in Heaven and live as spiritual Fathers and Mothers in our streets, our schools, our work places, our communities. The good news is that we have God on our side and He is a perfect father, and there is grace for us in the process. The best thing we can do for our children and for a watching world is to allow ourselves to be actively, intentionally fathered by God, submitting to Him in this process and know ourselves in the light of this. He is a good, good Father - it s who He is, and we are loved by Him it s who we are! As we pursue God and learn what it is to live as obedient children we find authority flows a combination of our position as God s children, and our placing ourselves under His authority in obedience. As we live in this authority we are called into a story that is bigger than our own, we adventure with God in things beyond what we could imagine are possible and we call others into it through our example. Certainly, this is one of the keys I have found for Joha and Bethea involving them in a task that is bigger than them, providing adventure and being with them in the journey encourages them to reach for more, to shift their focus off themselves and onto something grander, more purposeful, more maturing, more fulfilling and satisfying. Living a big adventure, beyond ourselves surely is key for our world too. Let s give ourselves to God, choosing to journey with Him in obedience, learning to live as children in order to give ourselves to the world and live in authority as Fathers and Mother together. QUESTIONS FOR CONNECT GROUPS Hopefully these questions are relevant for all. Those who are parents with younger children may identify with other aspects of the notes above and may want to share their journey and encourage and support one another specifically in their day-to-day role as parents. Do we recognise our call to be spiritual Fathers and Mothers in the world? How are we living this out? What opportunities do we have to do this? How are we modelling Christ in our work/community/family? Are our boundaries appropriate? What value do they convey to people? How are we drawing out the God identity we see in people in the world around us? How are we journeying with God at the moment? What is He teaching us? Are we willing to submit to his discipline? What adventure is God calling us into? Who is God calling us to take with us? Pray and encourage one another in our personal walk with God as our Father. Pray for those who God is calling us to be spiritual parents. Hear God together for them. 5