Temple B nai Or Bar/Bat Mitzvah Manual

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3 TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE From the Rabbi From the Educator.. From the Cantor.. History of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Ceremonies.. Keeping Bar/Bat Mitzvah in Perspective. What Does a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Do?... The B nai Mitzvah Process Bar/Bat Mitzvah Candidate Responsibilities.. What Do the Parents of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Do?... Bar/Bat Mitzvah Parental Responsibilities.. Commonly Asked Questions. S udat Mitzvah: Reception Suggestions. Tzedakah Options: Ways to Enrich the Mitzvah... Simcha Tree. Appendices A. Service Form. B. Instructions for the Honor of Leading the Friday Night Candle Blessing C. Instructions for the Honor of Leading the Friday Night Kiddush.. D. Passing of the Torah - the Parental Speech... E. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Cantor. F. Aliyah Primer.. G. The First Blessing and the Concluding Blessing H. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Temple Secretary. I. Judaica Shop Order Form.. J. Video Contract.. K. Schedule of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Fees L. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist/Timeline... M. Notes from Someone Who s Been There. N. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Mitzvah Projects.. O. Contact Information This manual is the collaborative effort of Rabbi Don Rossoff and Cantor Dadoun Cohen Director of Education, David Iskovitz 3

4 From the Rabbi... Your family is approaching a very important time in its life: the celebration of one of its members becoming a Bar Mitzvah or a Bat Mitzvah. This occasion is an important event in the lifecycle of your 13 year old, and is also a very powerful and emotional time in the life-cycle of your entire family. It provides a wonderful opportunity to intensify family feelings and deepen your family s Jewish connection and learning. At Temple B nai Or, we take becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah very seriously. It reflects the Jewish learning that the student has acquired and the fact that the student has been part of the Temple community in the Religious School and at Shabbat Services. A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a person, not an event. It refers to anyone who has reached the age of 13, the age of Jewish majority when one is presumed old enough to assume the privileges and obligations of Jewish life. Indeed, Bar/Bat Mitzvah means member of the commanded community. Two of the mitzvot (commanded Jewish actions) which a Bar/Bat Mitzvah has the privilege and responsibility to perform are the study of Torah and the leading of a congregation in public prayer. The first time that such a person leads the congregation in prayer and reads from the Torah, s/he is celebrating becoming a Bat/Bar Mitzvah. Thus, this is what your child will do - celebrate becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah during one of our Temple s congregational Shabbat Services. Once a child is a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, he or she has the obligation to continue being part of the Temple community and to continue his or her Jewish education. If, like most families, you share the goal of engendering in your child(ren) a life-long Jewish identity, remember that Jewish education which continues on through the high school years creates the best foundation for a strong and positive Jewish identity in later years. Indeed, studies have shown that, unlike in the past, lasting Jewish identity forms in the high school years. It is so gratifying to see how most B nai Mitzvah and their families are attaching a Mitzvah project to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Day. Many donate a portion of their gift monies to an institution or cause that is important to them. Some ask their guests to bring something to the service, like non-perishable food for the Interfaith Food Pantry or small toys for hospitalized children. In addition, many parents make a donation to MAZON: A Jewish Response to Hunger. (See page 20 for this and other ideas.) There are so many creative ways to emphasize the mitzvah in Bar/Bat Mitzvah, simply begin with something your child cares deeply about and the ideas will come. A final note - as mentioned, this time in the life of your family can be very emotionally charged. Please do not hesitate to call any of us at the Temple if you have any questions or concerns or needs. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! Rabbi Don Rossoff 4

5 From the Educator Temple B nai Or Bar/Bat Mitzvah Manual A pre-mazel Tov on your child s upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This manual will hopefully explain the process and journey your child will be involved with as he/she prepares to become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The manual should serve as a reference to find answers to many of the questions regarding what is expected in the next few months of your child s Religious School experiences. Parents and students sometimes feel that what lies before them is overwhelming. In truth, we ve developed a process that if properly followed, including necessary practice done on an ongoing basis at home, will help the student feel confident, comfortable and well-prepared. Our clergy, coaches, and teachers work very hard with your children to insure that the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah is a meaningful and memorable event. Everyone wants the process to be friendly, focused and successful. At times, parents may have questions or concerns that need attention or clarification. Always feel free to contact me regarding any issue that may arise. Our goal goes beyond the Bar/Bat Mitzvah itself. We want all of our students to gain insight and understanding as to why the ways of Judaism should be an integral part of their lives forever. This is a wonderful time for our boys and girls to see the beauty of our traditions through the Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience. Try to relax and enjoy the Jewish growth your son/daughter will gain as they enter young Jewish adulthood through the teaching of our cherished Torah. It can be challenging. It can be exhilarating. It should be a wonderful occasion of celebration of Jewish life. David Iskovitz From the Cantor: Dear Bar/t Mitzvah and family, As you embark on this momentous journey together as a family, know that although only one member of the family is becoming bar/t Mitzvah at this time, the journey is experienced and shared by the family as a whole. We encourage you to be as involved as you can in the learning and the performing of Mitzvot. Take this opportunity to make time to be together. Additionally, if I may reiterate the point of my esteemed colleagues, if there is anything at all you need to discuss or share, please do not hesitate to call, or stop by to say hello. We encourage participation and would love to be involved in your journey too. We are grateful and eager to be part of the special times with your family. Cantor Galit Dadoun-Cohen 5

6 A HISTORY OF THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH CEREMONIES Compiled by Bert Wagner (from the URJ B nai Mitzvah Manual) All societies determine a specific age that separates childhood from adulthood the age when an individual assumes his or her religious and communal responsibilities to the society in which he or she lives. Like most traditions, the ceremonies connected with becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah at age thirteen evolved over time. It has always been viewed as one moment in the process of spiritual growth and commitment to the Jewish people. The establishment of becoming a Bar Mitzvah at thirteen years plus one day for boys and a Bat Mitzvah at twelve years plus one day for girls has several origins. The Talmud records that during the time of the Second Temple (520 B.C.E. 70 C.E.), it was traditional for Sages to bless a child who had completed his first fast day at the age of twelve or thirteen. In Pirkei Avot ( Ethics of the Fathers, second century C.E.) it is written, At thirteen one is ready to do mitzvot. By the time the Talmud was completed in the sixth century C.E., boys of thirteen years plus one day had assumed full responsibility for performing the mitzvot, hence the term Bar Mitzvah, son of the commandment. This also had legal ramifications: These boys were now counted in a minyan and could act as witnesses. There was no formal rite, only a public blessing by the father that he was no longer responsible for the sins of the son. The earliest Bar Mitzvah ceremony consisted of blessing and reading the last section of the weekly portion of the Torah, the maftir, meaning the extra reading, since the boy was not a Bar Mitzvah until after the service, and reading the Haftarah portion. The most important part of the rite was a d rashah or d var Torah, a sermonette on the Torah or Haftarah portion. Since the Bar Mitzvah was assuming adult religious responsibilities, he was expected to show his understanding of those responsibilities to his family and, more importantly, to the community. Structurally, the Bar Mitzvah ceremony is essentially the same as it originally was. It wasn t until the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries that we find records of a Bar Mitzvah being invited to lead part of the worship service. A public ceremony in celebration of a girl becoming a Bat Mitzvah, daughter of the commandment, did not come into formal being in North America until Dr. Judith Kaplan- Eisenstein, the daughter of Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan, the founder of Reconstructionist Judaism, blessed and read the Torah portion from a book at a respectable distance from the Torah scroll. The regular celebration of girls becoming B not Mitzvah came into prominence in Reform congregations particularly in the second half of the 20th century and is generally identical in form to the celebration of a Bar Mitzvah. Historically, all joyous occasions were celebrated in some manner, and becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah was no exception. However, unlike weddings at which we are commanded to rejoice with bride and groom, the Bar Mitzvah has no such mandate. In early years the celebrations varied from a simple Kiddush of wine, brandy, and cake following the service to more elaborate meals for the family and friends. The Rabbis urged families not to have elaborate celebrations and always to provide for the poor in order to fulfill the mitzvah. The d rashah was delivered by the Bar Mitzvah some time during the celebration in order to emphasize its religious aspects. Gifts were generally limited to books, or religious items, or sermon gifts, which were small amounts of money given as thanks for the sermonette. Among Moroccan Jews, this money was given to the boy s teacher. Historically, Bar/Bat Mitzvah has been viewed as a first step in a young person s acceptance of the obligations to family and community as a responsible Jew. It was and should continue to be the beginning of a lifetime of the performance of mitzvot, study, prayer, and a commitment to share the destiny of the Jewish people. 6

7 KEEPING BAR AND BAT MITZVAH IN PERSPECTIVE (From the URJ B nai Mitzvah Manual) Bar/Bat Mitzvah Is about the Acceptance of Responsibility. In the final analysis, this is the bottom line of becoming a Bar and Bat Mitzvah. It s not about acquiring the skill of k riah, the reading of the Torah. Rather, it s about acquiring the skill of responding to a challenge: a mitzvah. This is how Judaism defines maturity. The Torah Is the Center of Judaism. Everything we do as Jews, everything we believe, everything we value, revolves around the Torah. The Torah is the testimony of our people s encounter with God. And however you interpret those events in the wilderness of Sinai some three millennia ago, what cannot be dismissed is the sacredness with which our ancestors have embraced this legacy. This is why the first mitzvah we expect our children to fulfill is to stand at Torah. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Is a Community Observance. It is not by coincidence that we choose to hold this initiation ceremony in public. To be a Jew means to live within a covenantal relationship not only with God but with other Jews as well. Bar/Bat Mitzvah marks the entry of the child as a full-fledged member of the community. The awarding of an aliyah, ( being called to the Torah ), is a gift of the Jewish people. For this reason, the marking of the child s coming of age takes place in the synagogue the communal home. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Ceremony Is Not a Performance: It s a Celebration. The synagogue is not a theater, and the bimah is not a stage, and the congregation is not an audience. More to the point, the only mistake one can make at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is to lose sight of this truth. Try to Think of the Reception That Follows Not As a Separate Event but As a Continuation of the Celebration. In fact, Judaism has a formal name for the meal after a Bar/Bat Mitzvah: It is a s udat mitzvah. This meal is in honor of the performance of a mitzvah. It, too, is a sacred gathering. This is not to say that it must be solemn; it is to say, however, that the spirit of the morning s celebration should be perpetuated through the performance of mitzvot. The recitation of the blessings and the setting aside of a portion of one s bounty for the poor demonstrate that the morning s celebration was not an isolated event but a standard from which to follow. The Meaning of Becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Is Enduring Only If It Takes Place within a Context of Continued Jewish Growth. Being a Bat or Bar Mitzvah is not the experience of a lifetime. It is a lifetime experience a state of being that remains with us throughout our lives. Indeed, the true measure of performance comes not on the day one becomes a Bat or Bar Mitzvah but in the days that follow. In other words, becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah should be thought of as a Jewish commencement, marking not an end point but a beginning a beginning of a lifetime of mitzvot, a beginning of a lifetime of learning. As such, it is our firm belief that the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration is validated and enhanced by a commitment to continue religious education to confirmation and participation in our Temple. 7

8 WHAT DOES A BAR/BAT MITZVAH DO? There are basically three areas of participation for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah at a Shabbat morning service: to be a sh liach tzibur, (leader of worship); to chant from the Torah and the Haftarah; and to offer a D var Torah, or teaching on the week s Torah or Haftarah portion. Sh liach Tzibur One of the oldest and most prestigious roles in the synagogue is to be the sh liach tzibur. Literally, the representative of the community, the sh liach tzibur leads the congregation in prayer. Each Bar/Bat Mitzvah student joins with the Cantor in this sacred role. The basic Hebrew prayers expected of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah are: La-asok B divrei Torah Eilu Dvarim (The Obligations) Barchu Yotzer Or Sh ma/v ahavta Avot/Imahot The Amidah G vurot K dushah/l dor Vador Kiddush for Shabbat Evening Kiddush for Shabbat Morning (V shamru) Hamotzi The student must also know the Torah and Haftarah blessings and three Chatimot - (signatures of prayers). The D var Torah (The Sermon) Prior to the reading of Torah or Haftarah, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah will deliver a brief (three to four minute) sermon to the week s Torah or Haftarah portion. This teaching will be prepared in consultation with the Rabbi. K riat HaTorah (Torah Reading) Each Bar/Bat Mitzvah assumes the role of the ba-al(at) k riah, Torah reader, for the day. This entails the learning of four parshiyot or selections from the week s Torah portion, which usually amounts to ten to twelve verses. The Torah is unvocalized (without the vowels or accents); moreover, each student is expected to learn the trope or traditional cantillation melody. This skill is taught by the Cantor and coaches in private tutoring sessions. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah will chant the Torah blessings only for the fourth and final aliyah, which we call the maftir. (The previous aliyot are given to family members and friends.) The Haftarah Following the reading of Torah, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah student will chant the Haftarah, or secondary biblical reading, along with the accompanying Haftarah blessings. Like the Torah reading, the Haftarah is chanted according to a specific melody to be learned with the Cantor. The number of verses to be read will be determined by the Cantor. In the case of a double, one of the students will deliver a D var Torah on the Haftarah portion and the other will deliver the d var Torah on the Torah portion. Friday Night It is customary for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah to lead the congregation in Kiddush at the Friday night service preceding the Bar/Bat Mitzvah service. In the case of multiple B nai Mitzvah, all students will chant the Kiddush together. An Important Note: Our congregation takes great pride in making every Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration special. There are occasions, however, when special educational circumstances necessitate an adjustment in the student s participation. Please feel free to discuss any concerns you might have with the Rabbi, the Cantor, or the Education Director. 8

9 THE B NAI MITZVAH PROCESS Schedule of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Preparation with the Rabbi and Cantor Students have been preparing to become B nai Mitzvah since the time that they started Religious School. As part of the final preparation for becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah, there are a number of meetings and tutoring sessions. The student will receive a personalized coaching and preparation schedule a few months before his/her service is to take place. I. B NAI MITZVAH BREAKFAST At this meeting, families will explore some of the feelings they have surrounding the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah event. Each student will receive the Student Bar/Bat Mitzvah Manual handbook, his/her Torah Portion booklet and instructions on downloading the blessings and prayers that he/she will need to know. II. FAMILY MEETING WITH THE RABBI Together with the Rabbi, the family will explore the meaning of this event in their lives. The student will present to the Rabbi the summary of the Torah portion s/he has prepared and it will be discussed. The Rabbi also will outline exactly what will happen at the Friday night and Saturday morning services. Families can discuss with the Rabbi any specific concerns or questions they have in relation to the event. Student assignment in preparation for this meeting: Write an outline or summary of the entire Torah and Haftarah Portions. This is one of the requirements of the 13 Mitzvot Project due this spring. (Note: The 13 Mitzvot Project explores Torah, Worship and Mitzvah themes, and involves both the student and the family.) Also needed for this meeting is a paragraph on the subject of What Becoming a Bar/ Bat Mitzvah means to me. III. BLESSINGS /TORAH/HAFTARAH COACHING Approximately six months prior to the Bar/t Mitzvah, students will participate in the Hopper Study Group where they will chant prayers, Torah and Haftorah with one of the tutors and/or Cantor. Students are expected to be studying weekly assignments comprised of all three segments (Torah, Haftorah, prayer). They are expected to bring their prayer book and Torah booklet to this class IV. TUTORIAL MEETINGS WITH THE CANTOR Meetings with the Cantor will take place in the Sanctuary at which time the student will practice different sections of the ritual, chant Torah from the scroll and get a feel for the Sanctuary. These weeks are an essential part of the final preparation for the date. Parent (s) are asked to join their child(ren) on the first appointment. 9

10 V. D VAR TORAH (SPEECH) PREPARATION The student will work with the Rabbi to write a D var Torah that describes the content of his/her Torah or Haftarah portion and a personal interpretation of its meaning. The student will also write about what becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah means to him/her. VI. SPEECH REHEARSAL WITH THE RABBI The Rabbi will meet with all students and their parents in order to go over and rehearse the student s D var Torah. VI. FINAL REHEARSAL WITH THE CANTOR The Cantor will meet with all students and their families for a final rehearsal during the week of the Bar/t Mitzvah. 10

11 BAR/BAT MITZVAH CANDIDATE RESPONSIBILITIES To become a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, you must be a student in good standing in our Religious School in accordance with the requirements stated in the Religious School Parents Manual. This means: 1. Students must be currently enrolled in Religious School regardless of which grade. For purposes of definition the school year runs from September 1 through June Because the benefit of class attendance cannot be recreated, students must be enrolled in Religious School for at least three years prior to becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. 3. Each student must finish all classroom work and requirements as prescribed by his/her teachers. 4. Students must satisfy the 13 Mitzvot Requirement as part of the curriculum. 5. Students must complete their Shabbat Attendance Requirement three months prior to the weekend in which they are becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, or by the end of 7th Grade for those students becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in 8th Grade. Shabbat Participation & Requirements All candidates must accumulate 18 services during grades Four, Five, Six, and Seven. Must be completed THREE MONTHS PRIOR to Bar/Bat Mitzvah weekend. Two services SHOULD be Saturday morning at the 10:30AM service during the final 12 months preceding the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. One of the two Saturday morning services needs to be within three months of the child s Bar/Bat Mitzvah with a parent accompanying the child. We encourage parents to always come to service with their child. Saturday morning services require children to be appropriately dressed for Temple. POSSIBLE QUESTIONS CONCERNING ATTENDANCE REQUIREMENT Where can I attend these services? 14 of the 18 services must be attended at Temple B'nai Or. The remainder can be at other synagogues or at a Jewish summer camp. Which services can I attend? Any Friday Evening or Saturday Morning service is acceptable including Shabbats on which our High Holy Days may fall. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, when not on a Shabbat, do not fulfill the Shabbat Attendance Requirement. 11

12 How do I notify the school that I have attended a service? At Temple B nai Or there will be an attendance sheet to sign following services. At another congregation, use the Service Form found in Appendix A of this manual. Are any other services acceptable for Bar/Bat Mitzvah Candidates? A Youth Group event with a service component, an overnight Shabbaton with a Havdalah service, the Sixth Grade Retreat which runs from Friday to Sunday (counts for two (2) services), and on occasion, special programs to which the student will be invited. 12

13 WHAT DO THE PARENTS OF THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH DO? During the Friday Night Service: Both parents of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah will participate in the candle lighting and/or Kiddush during the Friday evening service preceding the date in which the child will become Bar/Bat Mitzvah. (See Appendix B, Instructions for the Honor of Leading the Friday Evening Candle Blessing and Appendix C, Instructions for the Honor of Leading the Friday Evening Kiddush). If there is more than one family involved, the Rabbi and Cantor will plan a shared participation. During the Saturday Morning Service: During the service on Saturday morning, the parents will address their child on the meaning of the occasion and the importance of Judaism in their family and pass the Torah to him/her. (See Appendix D, Passing of the Torah). A parent or sibling who has already become a B nai Mitzvah may chant Torah during the service if they so choose. Please discuss with Rabbi and/or Cantor. Non-Jewish parent are included in most of the parental roles. The Rabbi will happily discuss with you the involvement of the non-jewish parent. As earlier mentioned, Jewish learning is a life long journey. We can share this challenge and take incredible pride in the accomplishment of studying Torah as a family. 13

14 BAR/BAT MITZVAH PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES BE THERE AS A FAMILY It is important that the entire family become familiar with the order of service during Friday evening and Saturday morning Shabbat worship services at Temple B nai Or. Please plan to attend at least one of these services per month during the months preceding the Shabbat morning service in which your child will become Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This will assure your comfort on the day of your child s Bar/Bat Mitzvah by giving you a clearer understanding of what actually happens during the service and will help your child fulfill Shabbat attendance requirements as part of his/her responsibility toward becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. PROMOTE LIFELONG JEWISH EDUCATION Jewish education does not stop at age thirteen; it is an ongoing, lifelong process. Bar/Bat Mitzvah is the time when the student assumes the responsibility to continue their Jewish Education. Please begin now to encourage your child to continue in our school with the Confirmation and ORIM programs. In this way will we be able to have the opportunity to help your child strengthen his/her bond to Judaism with understanding and conviction. Please note that should a child not continue his/her Jewish education past Bar/Bat Mitzvah, the Clergy and/or the Director of Education would have a very difficult time writing any camp, college or workrelated recommendations since their knowledge of the child would be incomplete. MAKE RELIGIOUS SCHOOL AND COACHING A PRIORITY The curriculum of our Religious School is designed to help your child learn the Hebrew needed to read and to understand the meaning of the prayers which are a part of the Shabbat morning service. If a student needs extra help, it may be necessary for the family to engage a private tutor to bring him/her up to date with the work. At the same time, students are responsible for fulfilling the attendance requirement. It will be the family s responsibility to keep all scheduled appointments. CHOOSE PEOPLE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE SERVICE Honors and Aliyot Honors are an important part of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony. A variety of opportunities for family and friends exist within the Shabbat morning worship service as detailed below. A Bar/Bat Mitzvah Worksheet for the Cantor can be found in Appendix E. This should be returned to the Cantor when your child begins to work with her. **Please only return complete forms THREE MONTHS PRIOR to the Cantor. All those participating in the Shabbat morning service need to meet with the Cantor at 10:15am for the 10:30am service. ALIYOT (plural for Aliyah): An aliyah means ascension, we elevate ourselves when reading from the Torah. It includes a blessing before the Torah reading and a blessing after the Torah reading. You may choose up to 12 individuals for three of the four aliyot. Generally, the first two aliyot are for friends and family, and the third aliyah is for the parent(s). The last Aliyah is referred to as the Maftir and calls the Bar/t Mitzvah up to chant the blessings. In order to be called for an aliyah, one must 1) be Jewish, 2) be at least 13 years of age, 3) be able to recite the blessings in Hebrew. (Transliterations can be found in Appendix F. Hebrew and transliterated blessings will be available on the Bimah.) 14

15 WE CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THE IMPORTANCE OF THOSE WHO ARE BEING CALLED TO RECITE THE TORAH BLESSINGS TO PRACTICE BEFOREHAND, ESPE- CIALLY WITH THOSE WITH WHOM THEY WILL BE SAYING THEM TOGETHER! TORAH DRESSERS: You can select 2-3 people to come to the Bimah to dress the Torah. These individuals do not have to be Jewish, can be of any age, and do not say anything. TORAH HOLDER: The next sibling to become Bar/Bat Mitzvah among the siblings of the B nai Mitzvah will sit beside the Torah after it is read. For a double Bar/Bat Mitzvah, only one person does this, the older of younger siblings. If there are no younger siblings, any Jewish person 5 and older can do this. CHOOSE PEOPLE TO HELP DURING THE SERVICE The family is also responsible for supplying some helpers for the service. The names of these people need to be supplied 6 weeks prior to the service. Please use the form found in Appendix G, Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Temple Secretary. The helpers that are needed are: USHERS: To greet guests as they enter the sanctuary and hand each guest a prayerbook and Shabbat morning handout. Two ushers are needed for a single, one usher per family for a double. Ushers need to remain at the doors until 10 minutes into the service. If your assigned ushers have not arrived by 10:10AM for the 10:30AM service, please ask others to act in their place until they arrive. HUSHERS: We are pleased to have the peers of our B nai Mitzvah as our guests. Whether many or few, we ask that you take responsibility for their behavior during the Service. Please provide one adult husher per every unaccompanied youth who will be attending the service. The hushers sit on either side of the section reserved for youth during the service. It is their responsibility to make sure that there is not excessive whispering, note passing, hair brushing, texting, and other behavior inappropriate during a religious service. The hushers, if they feel it necessary, may separate children who are disruptive or ask them to sit with the usher. We provide a special section reserved for youth. Unaccompanied youth may not sit in the balcony. PRESENTERS FROM TEMPLE BOARD AND SISTERHOOD A representative from the Temple Board and/or a representative from the Sisterhood or Men s Club will make presentations to the B nai Mitzvah. For a double we ask that one family invite a member of the Board, and the other family a member of Sisterhood or Men s Club. Each presenter will address both children. Should you wish that the office select a representative for you, there are always representatives ready to fill this role at your child s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. (Note: If you invite someone to make this presentation, it does not obligate you to invite this person to your celebration afterwards.) The names of the presenters, or a request to have them, should be listed on the form for the Temple Secretary. 15

16 BABYSITTERS If you know that you will have young children attending whose parents prefer they not be in the sanctuary you can speak with our Executive Director about arranging for a babysitting room. Families need to provide the their own sitters. Frequently Asked Questions: How can younger siblings and other children participate in the service? Siblings or other young children can help dress the Torah, and may also help in leading the Motzi (blessing over the challah) at the conclusion of the Kiddush. Older siblings can be given an aliyah. Can Non-Jews participate in the service? We welcome the participation of non-jewish family and friends. While there are some limitations, we very much want all of your guests to feel welcome. Non-Jews may participate in any of the above honors except the handing down of the Torah through the generations and the recitation of the Torah blessings. In the instance of an interfaith marriage, the non-jewish parent will be called up along with the Jewish parent, but only the Jewish spouse will recite the blessings. The Jewish spouse will hold and hand down the Torah, while the non-jewish spouse may give the parent s speech. Both parents stand behind their child during the Maftir and during the Rabbi s and Cantor s blessings of the child. What is the proper attire for the service? Appropriate dress is required. We are told that the day in which we are to appear in all our finery before God is Rosh Hashanah, the day on which we are judged by God. That is the fanciest attire we are to wear in a worship service. Think of what you might wear on Rosh Hashanah, and that is what would be appropriate for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah service. Please, no evening gowns, low cut dresses, short skirts and tuxedos. Women and girls participating on the Bimah must have their shoulders covered. A tallit does not constitute as a shoulder covering. 16

17 Who takes care of the Oneg Shabbat and Motzi? The family of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child will host an Oneg Shabbat on Friday evening. The Temple will arrange for food and setup. If you have special needs or requests, please inform the Executive Director. The contribution for the Oneg Shabbat is included in the Bar/Bat Mitzvah flat fee. FOR AN ALIYAH FOLLOWING A BAR/BAT MITZVAH IN ISRAEL: The Oneg Shabbat that follows the service may be slightly more elaborate than usual. Please contact the Executive Director for suggestions. On Saturday morning a Motzi (blessing over the challah) in the Sanctuary or the Social Hall concludes the service. A large challah is provided. Should my child wear a Tallit? Your child may wear either a family Tallit, or one purchased or made for the occasion of his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah. If the child is to wear a family Tallit, he/she should also be given one of his/her own. It is hoped that the Tallit is not a Bar/Bat Mitzvah costume, but something to be worn on a continuing basis. Tallitot are available through our Judaica shop (see Appendix I). Do I need to supply yarmulkes, and if so, what kind? Many families order personalized or non-personalized kippot to be offered to their guests during the service in which their child becomes Bar/Bat Mitzvah. When these kippot are put in the sanctuary lobby for worshippers who choose to wear them, they represent the tastes and sensibilities of the family which has purchased them. They also reflect on the Temple and its values. We hope to convey that the yarmulke / kippah is not a costume, but a symbol of Jewish piety, respect, spirituality, and/or identity. Therefore, in order to maintain the dignity and piety for which we strive, we ask that the following guidelines be respected when ordering kippot: The preferred colors are black or white. 1. If another color is desired, it should not be a bright color which attracts attention to itself. In this regard, red should not be ordered. 2. Because the kippah is a religious garment, symbols on the kippot which reference anything other than specifically Jewish symbols, (e.g., Jewish star or menorah), should not be used. This includes sports and hobbies. There are other ways of expressing a connection to other interests, such as neckties, scarves or lapel pins. The Temple has the right not to put out any kippot which disregard these standards. Please note: the above stipulations apply to those kippot which Temple is asked to put out for the worshippers. We do not make judgments on the kippot that individuals might bring and wear. If you have any questions concerning what is and is not within the guidelines, please contact either of the Rabbis, the Cantor or Executive Director. Kippot are available through our Judaica Shop (See Appendix I) 17

18 What about photography and videotaping? Videotaping of your service is available through the Temple only. Fill in the form provided in this manual in Appendix J and return it to the Temple Secretary at least three months prior to your date. Photography is not permitted during the service. Often you may take photographs prior to your Final Rehearsal or you may choose to take photographs on a different day. Please be sure to call the Temple Office to schedule photo times in order to avoid scheduling conflicts with ongoing Temple programs or events. Photography may not be scheduled on a Monday afternoon. Clergy will be available for photos on an appointment basis. To ensure their participation, please contact them directly. What time should I list on the invitation? The following times should be listed on your invitation: For the 10:30AM service, 10:00AM. What are the fees, when do I pay them, and what is included? All expenses are specified in Appendix K, Schedule of Bar/Bat Mitzvah fees. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah fees are payable to Temple no later than three months prior to the occasion. This fee covers Temple expenses related to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah. These fees include Bar/Bat Mitzvah training, coaching, Oneg Shabbat (pastries, set-up, etc.), flower fund, Saturday morning family continental breakfast, and challah and wine for the Motzi on Saturday. Flowers in the sanctuary are provided by your contribution to the Sisterhood Flower and Tribute Fund, which is included in the fee. The same flowers will be used on Friday evening and Saturday morning. Can I have my celebration at Temple after the service? The Aresty Social Hall or the Beit Midrash may be rented for your Bar/Bat Mitzvah luncheon. Please see Appendix K for fees. Please contact the Executive Director if you are interested in Social Hall rental. If outside caterers are to be used; check with the Executive Director for guidelines. My spouse and I are divorced how is that handled? Each situation is unique and has its own sensitivities. Please discuss this with the Rabbi, who has had years of experience with these matters. How can I make sure I do everything? A timeline checklist can be found in Appendix L. What are some of the resources available to me? A list of resources and other helpful information can be found in Appendix M, Notes from Someone Who s Been There. What if I still have questions? A handy list of contact people and telephone numbers can be found in Appendix O. 18

19 Thoughts from the Rabbi on Bar/Bat Mitzvah Celebrations There is a wonderful tradition in our heritage known as the s udat mitzvah, literally the mitzvah meal. This is a celebration held to extend and enhance the joy of a family s fulfillment of a mitzvah, e.g., circumcision, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, wedding. The "Bar/Bat Mitzvah Party," held sometime following the Shabbat Service in which a youngster is called to the Torah as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, is really a s udat mitzvah. Because it is important to you, because it colors a great deal of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience, and because it is for many a source of anxiety and conflict, I take this opportunity to share some thoughts with you. Ideally, the party should reflect the taste, values, and financial situation of the family. Yet often parents find themselves under a great deal of pressure to make it something other than what they would want. There Is pressure from the children to imitate what their friends might have had. There is spoken or unspoken pressure from family, business associates, and friends to do what others do. And there is internal pressure to want to make everyone else happy. I know that you will hear from well meaning friends that to do it right you have to do this, you have to do that. The bottom line is that you don t have to do anything you do not want to do. Yes, there are often compromises that have to be made. Certainly the student should have some input, but parents need to remind themselves that while fun is fun, (and the party certainly should be fun), the values that the party expresses are more powerful then any spoken lessons we would impart to our children! A Mitzvah meal does not need a theme. If, however, you do choose a theme, why not make it consistent with the meaning of the occasion? Simply ask yourselves - what Jewish/human/family values do I want to leave as the lasting impressions of the event? What message is given by themes such as Born to Shop and African Safari - complete with elephants? Some families have chosen to make the theme focus on what can be given to others, not acquired for self. Some have made centerpieces out of objects, (books, sports equipment) which then are donated to a school or camp. Whatever you do, I would hope that you would consider a voluntary donation to MA- ZON, a national Jewish foundation which distributes money to food and house the needy. Express your gratitude for what you have by sharing with those in need. (3% of the cost of the food at your party is the suggested donation.) FINALLY, A PLEA: The Bar/Bat Mitzvah time in the life of a family is highly emotionally charged. Each family experiences it in its own way. Often, parents and students receive information concerning what does or does not happen, what should or should not be done, that is not entirely correct. There is a great deal of misinformation floating around that results in tremendous unnecessary anxiety. If you have a question - as unimportant as you may think it to be - PLEASE CALL US AT THE TEMPLE! WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. 19

20 TZEDAKAH OPTIONS: WAYS TO ENRICH THE MITZVAH PUTTING THE MITZVAH IN BAR/BAT MITZVAH Tzedakah is an obligation in Judaism: It involves giving of our time and/or money to others. Here is a list of things to do and organizations that your family might consider. If you don t know about these organizations, check them out. It s good to learn about the ways in which people are doing tikkun olam, repairing the world. Obviously, this is not a complete list. You can find your own favorite way or organization to which to contribute. The most important thing is that you work or give, no matter how much. This is one of the ways in which you can show that you are taking on adult Jewish responsibilities. 1. Give of Your Time: Volunteer to work in the Temple and/or the Religious School Become active in the Temple Youth Group Visit the elderly family members, a neighbor, or a nursing home Work on an ecology project Work in a soup kitchen Collect old but usable clothes, toys, tapes, videos, etc., and give them to the needy and the homeless Work on projects during Mitzvah Day at the Temple Participate in a walk-a-thon for some cause Work on a project for Habitat for Humanity 2. Give of Your Money: Help the hungry, the poor, and the homeless Mazon The Jewish Response to Hunger (U.S. or Canada): Donate 3% of the cost of your celebration or a part of your Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts United Jewish Communities (formerly UJA and Federation): Supports many Jewish organizations in Israel, the U.S., Canada, and around the world The Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society (HIAS) The American Jewish World Service Habitat for Humanity A local soup kitchen A local organization for the homeless and the poor. Help support medical research and medical support groups Local hospitals or nationally recognized specialty hospitals Specific disease groups: Cancer Care, The Kidney Foundation, AIDS, MS, Heart Hadassah Help other support groups For abused children and adults P-FLAG: Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays JACS, AA, and other organizations dealing with substance abuse The Jewish Guild for the Blind Help Jewish causes The Fund for Reform Judaism ARZA/WORLD UNION, North America WUPJ: World Union for Progressive Judaism WRJ: Women of Reform Judaism NFTB: North American Federation of Temple Brotherhoods HUC-JIR: Hebrew Union College Jewish Institute of Religion Commission a piece of new liturgical music (speak to the Cantor or Rabbi) Leo Baeck School in Haifa Jewish National Fund (trees in Israel) Help the Synagogue Give to our tzedakah funds, sponsor a scholar-in-residence, or contribute to the endowment fund 20

21 TWINNING PROGRAMS There are a number of Bar/Bat Mitzvah "twinning opportunities" that can add a personal dimension to your celebration. "Twinning" is where the Bar/Bat Mitzvah makes a connection, usually through an organization, with an individual who, in some way, is in need of support. Examples are twinning with a Reform Jewish child either in Israel or in the former Soviet Union, or with a Holocaust survivor or a "righteous gentile" who helped Jews in the Holocaust. Please check with the Rabbis, Cantor or Educator to see what is available for you. MAZON Our congregation is a participating member of Mazon: A Jewish Response to Hunger. Mazon distributes funds to help curb hunger on both national and local levels. Money is contributed by families who are celebrating a joyous occasion in their family. It is voluntary contribution of 3% of the cost of your party. Contributing to MAZON provides an excellent tzedakah teaching tool for your child. It is an opportunity for you to act as a model in performing the mitzvah of tzedakah, and gives them an opportunity to have a real impact on relieving hunger. To those families who wish to use them, MAZON provides table cards. The cards, which are about the size of a business card, say We are pleased to share our good fortune with MAZON, A Jewish Response to Hunger," and include a Hebrew blessing. They have been used in many celebrations with considerable pride. We believe a contribution to MAZON serves as an embellishment of this simcha in your family's life. Your check can be sent to the Temple, and should be made out to "Temple B'nai Or - MAZON Fund." For more information, contact the Temple Executive Director and see your MAZON pamphlet. YOUTH BUILDER PROGRAM What Can You Do? You can Bond with Israel by investing some or all of your Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift money in an Israel Bond. What Is An Israel Bond? An Israel Bond can be compared to a savings account which, after a certain amount of time, pays you a percentage of interest on the money you invest. In this case, you would be investing money in Israel and would be repaid with interest. Israel Bonds pay very competitive interest rates in today s market. You are encouraged to participate in this program and you may want to announce your participation in the Youth Builder Program during your Bar/Bat Mitzvah speech. A handsome certificate will be presented to you. More information is available to you in the Temple office. At this very exciting time in your life, you can invest in your future by investing in Israel. 21

22 RABBI Z. DAVID LEVY SIMCHA TREE Our Tree of Life hangs proudly in our lobby entrance and is a permanent symbol of the life that Rabbi Levy's rabbinate added to our Temple. It provides an opportunity for the congregation to commemorate the joyous times in our lives. The many families who have purchased a leaf have done so in honor of a special event milestone birthday, baby-naming, and Bar/Bat Mitzvah, to name a few. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS GOODNESS. THE ONLY FORCE THAT GIVES LIFE MEANING IS LOVE. THE ONLY FLAME THAT LIGHTS OUR WAY IS UNDERSTANDING. Please consider purchasing a leaf on the tree. Each leaf costs $300. You may select your own wording, or use the one below. If you would like, you can reserve a cluster of leaves so that your family s leaves can be in the same area. For information, please call the Temple office at The actual size of the gold leaf is approximately 4 1/2 by 1 1/2. Please allow two to three weeks for delivery. Tree of Life Order Form Please return this form to the Temple Office. Yes, I d like to order a gold leaf. Enclosed is a check for $300. I plan to share many more simchas, and would like to reserve a cluster of leaves. Name Phone Inscription: 22

23 Service Form Friday Evening Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Appendix A Saturday Morning Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Friday Evening Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Saturday Morning Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Friday Evening Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Saturday Morning Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Friday Evening Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature Saturday Morning Service Form I, attended Name of Student Services at Congregation Name of Congregation in on. City & State of Congregation Date of visit Grade: Signed Parent s Signature 23

24 Friday Night Candle Blessing Appendix B 24

25 Friday Evening Kiddush Appendix C work 25

26 Passing of the Torah the Parental Speech Appendix D PASSING OF THE TORAH TO YOUR CHILD WHO IS BECOMING BAR/BAT MITZVAH The passing of the Torah offers the possibility for a very meaningful and powerful moment in your life and in the life of your child. The remarks that you address to him/her are meant to put a frame of meaning around this act and the entire experience of becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WISH TO PASS ON TO YOUR CHILD? WHAT IS YOUR TORAH THE JEWISH VALUES YOU HAVE THAT YOU WISH TO GIVE TO HIM/HER? In your remarks, please follow these guidelines: 1 Say what you would like to say, keeping your remarks brief. Understand that everyone is standing during this entire time. The address should be no longer than two typewritten double-spaced pages, not including the paragraph below. This is 600 words maximum. 2 Say nothing embarrassing about or to your child. No birth stories please. 3 Please do not mention your child's grades in school. Jewish self-esteem, for your child or for children listening in the congregation, should be based on the kind of person you are, not what grades you get. Making reference to how well one does in school without saying anything about grades can be appropriate. 4 5 In addition to saying what you would like about your youngster, make sure that you make reference to what it means to you and your family to be passing down this Torah / the Jewish heritage. Remember, THIS IS NOT A BRAG SHEET. This is not the time to list all the awards and recognitions your child has earned. It is not a time to go revisit all the wonderful and impressive moments in your child s thirteen years of life, e.g., When you were three, we were amazed that you said. or I will never forget how you did when you were only nine. Rather, your speech should focus on the values and character traits your child demonstrates and what are the values and character traits you wish to encourage in him/her. What does it mean to you that your are passing down the Jewish heritage to your child? Before you pass the Torah down to your youngster, please say the following as written or in your own paraphrase: IN KEEPING WITH HALLOWED JEWISH TRADITION - WE GIVE TO YOU OUR SON/DAUGHTER - THE SACRED TEACHING CONTAINED IN THIS SCROLL - IN ORDER THAT YOU MAY LOVE IT AND CHERISH IT - LEARN FROM IT, BE PROUD OF IT, AND LIVE ITS TEACHINGS - ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE AND THAT YOU, IN TURN, MAY PASS IT DOWN TO YOUR CHILDREN. Please note: If one of the parents is not Jewish, it is the Jewish parent who holds the Torah. The non-jewish parent may present the speech. 26

27 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Cantor Appendix E PLEASE MAIL OR FAX ( ) THIS SHEET TO THE CANTOR AT YOUR FIRST MEETING WITH HER. BE SURE TO KEEP A COPY FOR YOURSELF. PLEASE PRINT NAMES AS YOU WANT THEM TO APPREAR IN THE PROGRAM. CANDIDATE: BAR/BAT MITZVAH DATE BAR/BAT MITZVAH TIME HIS/HER HEBREW NAME HEBREW NAME OF MOTHER: HEBREW NAME OF FATHER ALIYOT: (Maximum of 12, no minimum) PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY! Aliyah 1 English Name Hebrew Name Hebrew Name of Mother and Father Aliyah 2 English Name Hebrew Name Hebrew Name of Mother and Father Aliyah 3 English Name Hebrew Name Hebrew Name of Mother and Father Parents of Bar/Bat Mitzvah and, if desired, siblings over the age of 13. Torah Dressers:,, Torah Holder: Our next oldest child after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child is: Date of birth Continued on Next Page 27

28 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Cantor con t Will Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate be wearing a Tallit? Yes No When taking the out the Torah, shall we hand it to Mom Dad Will Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidate need a step at the Bimah? Yes No Not Sure Kaddish: Please list below names that you would like commemorated when reading Kaddish. 28

29 Aliyah Primer Temple B nai Or Bar/Bat Mitzvah Manual Below are the basic fundamentals of being called to the Torah (aliyah) at Temple B nai Or. Meaning to go up or ascend, aliyah also implies a spiritual ascent. An aliyah is considered to be one of the most sacred privileges in Judaism. Consequently, you must be Jewish and of age (i.e., a Bar/Bat Mitzvah) to qualify for an aliyah. Indeed, the ceremony of Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a celebration of a child s first aliyah. Hebrew Name Proper form requires you to be called to the Torah by your Hebrew name. This includes not only your given name but the name(s) of your father and/or mother. The formula would thus be: For men For women Ya akov ben (son of) Avraham v Sarah Rachel bat (daughter of) Avraham v Sarah Appendix F Although Hebrew names are the benchmark for this tradition, Yiddish names are also acceptable. Going Up When your name is called, go to the bimah, pulpit, and stand to the right of the reader. She or he will point to the place in the sefer Torah, scroll, where she or he is reading. You may touch that spot with the tzitzit, fringes, of your tallit, prayer shawl, or the corner of your siddur, prayer book; and then kiss the tzitzit or the siddur. 29

30 Appendix G The First Blessing Below is the blessing recited in Hebrew prior to the reading of the Torah. You should recite the first line, wait for the congregation to respond with the second line, then repeat that second line, and read the rest of the first blessing. After the Concluding Blessing Following the concluding b rachah, the person(s) who was called to the Torah should now return to his or her seat. 30

31 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Temple Secretary Appendix H Shortly you will be celebrating your child becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Listed below are the positions and honors that need to be filled. PLEASE CALL THE OFFICE IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS PLEASE MAIL OR FAX ( ) THIS SHEET TO THE TEMPLE OFFICE SIX WEEKS PRIOR TO THE BAR/BAT MITZVAH DATE. BE SURE TO KEEP A COPY FOR YOURSELF. PLEASE PRINT ALL NAMES AS YOU WANT THEM TO APPEAR IN PROGRAM. Candidate: Bar/Bat Mitzvah date: Bar/Bat Mitzvah time: Number of Guests expected at Friday Service: Saturday Service: USHERS: The following have agreed to be Ushers at the Service: (one for a double, two for a single) HUSHERS: We expect to have approximately unaccompanied youth at the Service, requiring hushers (one per youth). The following have agreed to be Hushers at the Service: PRESENTATIONS: If you have asked someone to make one of these presentations and they have agreed, please list them here, otherwise check please assign. (Please note: Board Member must be a current or past Board Member. Sisterhood/Men s Club Member must be a current member of Sisterhood or Men s Club.) Temple Board: Please assign Sisterhood/Men s Club: Please assign KIPPOT: Please note guidelines imposed on page 17. Will you have personalized Kippot? Yes No Do you want us to supply Kippot? Yes No 31

32 Judaica Shop Request Form Appendix I Bar/Bat Mitzvah Judaica Shop Request Form Date of Bar/Bat Mitzvah: Bat/Bat Mitzvah s name: Parents Name: Address: Phone Number: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Do you need to purchase a Tallit for your child? [ ] YES [ ] NO Do you need to order yarmulkes? [ ] YES [ ] NO Inscription inside yarmulka: Number of yarmulkes*: Color**: *Minimum order of 5 dozen or there will be a $10 setup surcharge. **Bright colors and red should not be ordered. Please refer to page 17 regarding Temple guidelines. Contact the Judaica Shop or the following people: TALLIOT - Laura Siegel, contact by phone at KIPPOT - Karen Anolick, contact by phone at or send form with to Karen Anolick, 5 Netheron Terrrace, Morristown, NJ You can the gift shop with questions to tbogiftshop@gmail.com. Orders need to be received 6 to 8 weeks before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date! 32

33 Video Contract Appendix J 60 Overlook Road Morristown, NJ (973) Fax: (973) Video Contract Name of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Parent s Signature $275 for a DOUBLE Bar/Bat Mitzvah $325 for a SINGLE Bar/Bat Mitzvah In the event of a double ceremony, when only one family wishes to have a video, the cost is that of a single taping. Form of Payment: (Please Circle) Check Master Card Visa Check # Credit Card # Exp. Date / Amount $ PLEASE RETURN THIS FORM TO THE TEMPLE OFFICE NO LATER THAN THREE (3) MONTHS PRIOR TO THE DATE WITH YOUR PAYMENT SO THAT THE VIDEO PROFESSIONAL MAY BE BOOKED. NO BOOKING WILL BE MADE WITHOUT THIS FORM AND FULL PAYMENT. *Prices are subject to change. 33

34 Schedule of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Fees Appendix K All fees are due three months prior to your celebration. A flat rate fee of $ * will be billed to you six (6) months prior to your child s Bar/Bat Mitzvah date. This fee includes Bar/Bat Mitzvah training, coaching, Oneg Shabbat on Friday (pastries, set-up, etc.), flower fund, Saturday AM family continental breakfast, challah and wine for the motzi on Saturday. Professional videotaping of the Service is optional*: Price is based on DVD ONLY. Single. $325.00* Double $275.00* Social Hall Usage if available: A $ deposit is required to reserve the Social Hall or courtyard, with the balance due 3 months prior to your ceremony. In addition, caterers are required to pay a $200 security deposit 2 weeks prior to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah date. Usage Fee for Social Hall includes Kitchen use. $750.00* Usage Fee for Social Hall for Simple Kiddush (no Kitchen use)..$500.00* Usage Fee for Social Hall and Foyer...$750.00* Usage Fee for Social Hall and Courtyard $900.00* Usage Fee for Courtyard......$400.00* Rental of Beit Midrash Room for Kiddush..$180.00* *Prices are subject to change In honor of your child s Bar/Bat Mitzvah, or to recognize or show appreciation for the clergy or professional staff involved, contributions can be made at your discretion to: RABBI ROSSOFF S DISCRETIONARY FUND CANTOR DADOUN-COHEN S DISCRETIONARY FUND RABBI ROSSOFF S TZEDAKAH FUND CARING COMMUNITY FUND COLLEGE CONNECTION FUND COVENANT FUND FLOWER AND TRIBUTE FUND HOUSING THE HOMELESS FUND JASON LEWIS FUND FOR SPECIAL ED. JOEL & HELEN JACOBS RELIGIOUS SCHOOL ENDOWMENT FUND JASON LEWIS FUND FOR SPECIAL EDUCATION LIBRARY FUND THERESA NARDONE PRE-SCHOOL FUND MELISSA NEIER YOUTH SCHOLARSHIP FUND ORGAN FUND PRAYER BOOK FUND SHABBAT SHIRA FUND TEACHER ENRICHMENT FUND TZEDAKAH FUND YOUTH GROUP FUND DANIEL WEITZ SCHOLARSHIP FUND YOUTH GROUP FUND Please refer to TEMPO, our Temple Directory, for detailed information regarding the funds. 34

35 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist/Timeline Appendix L The Temple office, in order to help you, needs to receive the following information prior to the service and your celebration. This checklist is designed to help both you and our staff, so together we can create a wonderful experience for your family. 2-3 Years Prior: Submit Bar/Bat Mitzvah Contract Submit deposit for social hall rental, if applicable Three Months Prior: Shabbat Attendance Requirement completed If renting the Social Hall: contact the Temple Office for details, pay balance due on rental Submit Video Contract (optional) Submit Flat Fee of $ * Submit Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for the Cantor (Aliyot, Torah dressers and Torah holder) Two Months Prior: Submit Judaica Shop order form if ordering tallit and yarmulkes Six Weeks Prior: Submit Bar/Bat Mitzvah Checklist for Temple Secretary (includes hushers, ushers, presenters) If you have any questions, as always, please call our Executive Director at * Price subject to change 35

36 Notes from Someone Who s Been There Appendix M By Liz Fisch Having gone through the Bat Mitzvah process, I d like to offer a few words of advice. Your child s Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a very special time in the life of your family. Keep your focus on what matters the service, and try to keep the celebration after it in perspective. You have to plan, for sure, but you don t have to obsess (ok, maybe I did a little bit). What I learned most, to quote the popular book, is Don t sweat the small stuff. First of all, be assured that your child will be well prepared. That said, of course, your child needs to practice at home, and you may need to encourage that (ok, you will need to insist on that!). You ll also need to make sure that you take your child to services so that you and your child are familiar with what goes on. Besides that, the Religious School staff and clergy will take charge and they re good at what they do. Let them do it! While your child and the Temple are taking care of the actual service, you can concentrate on administrative matters. Fill out and submit all the forms in this packet in a timely matter, and line up all your hushers, ushers, presenters, etc. well ahead of time. If you re not sure of how to do something, give a call to Temple or to me. You re not the first person to go through this process so use the resources available to you so that you don t have to reinvent the wheel. I found some great books and resources as I was planning. I searched for and found help on the wording of my invitation, tzedakah projects, a letter to my child s friends (reproduced on the next page), ideas for meaningful candle lighting ceremonies, etc., etc. Some of the resources I used were: Books: Davis, Judith, Whose Bar/Bat Mitzvah Is This Anyway?, New York: St. Martin s Griffin, 1998 A great book about how to make the Bar/Bat Mitzvah meaningful for the whole family. Lots of info on the emotional aspects of the process. Salkin, Rabbi Jeffrey K., Putting God on the Guest List, Woodstock, VT: Jewish Lights Publ., 1996 This book is given out at the 6th Grade Breakfast. It s a valuable guide to reclaiming the spiritual meaning of your child s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Reisfield, Randi, The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Survival Guide, New York: Citadel Press, 1992 This book has information on the service, and discusses celebration issues as well. Websites: Google search for Bar Mitzvah and whatever else you happen to be researching Favors, Mitzvah Project, etc. Bar/Bat Mitzvah Planning Guide from Party411 (the Discussion link there was very helpful) Some of the people contributing to the discussions clearly have too much time on their hands, but there is a lot of great information here. Make sure you check the archives. I used this site a lot. Torah Study Ten Minutes of Torah For background and information on Torah portions. The URJ site has other great resources as well, including Making It Count: Guidelines for Becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, a guide to help you make the most of your Jewish journey ( urj.org/living/mcount.pdf). Tzedakah/Mitzvah Projects 36

37 Appendix M Other Resources: JEA Merkaz and the Waldor Memorial Library at the Aidekman Jewish Community Campus, Rt. 10, Whippany NJ The library has many resources, and JEA Merkaz has several scrapbooks with ideas for B nai Mitzvah. Go early in the process I didn t and found many things I would have liked to have done but didn t have the time for. People ask someone who s been there! Feel free to call or me ( , lfisch1@optonline.net) or contact someone who you know has recently planned a B nai Mitzvah. Above all, take a deep breath, and remember to enjoy the preparations I know that s easier said than done, but keep in mind that no one will remember if your child misses a word, or if your placecards are handwritten or typed, or if you had 10 or 12 balloons in your centerpieces. What they will remember is your child reading from the Torah, and the pride on your face as he/she does so, and the warmth and love that your family show each other during that special day. Mazel tov! Letter to Friends: Dear Friends of <child s name> We are so glad that you will be able to join us as we celebrate <child s name>'s Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Your presence means a lot to <child s name>. Some of you have never been to a Bar/Bat Mitzvah before so we'd like to give you some information. Please plan to arrive by 10:45. There will be a program distributed to all our guests explaining the meaning of the service, and a prayer book will be given to you at the door. There will be two Bar/Bat Mitzvahs celebrated that day, so be sure to sit on <child s name> s side! There are times to sit and there are times to stand - just follow along with the rest of the congregation. Leaving during the service or talking will be distracting to those around you and to <child s name>. Girls should wear dresses or skirts. If your dress has no sleeves, please bring a sweater for Temple (You can take it off at the party). Boys should wear nice pants. No jeans, please. Boys should take a head covering which will be in a basket on a table in the hallway. Wearing one in the synagogue is a sign of respect. Because some of the service is conducted in Hebrew, you may not understand everything. Don't worry. Page numbers will be announced frequently and your presence alone will give support to <child s name>. Follow along as best you can. It is helpful to know that the prayer books open backwards because Hebrew is written right to left, opposite of English. The services last about an hour and a half. Following the service, a bus will take you to the reception. There, we ll have lunch, games, and lots of dancing and prizes. Your parents should plan to pick you up by 6:00 p.m. We appreciate you joining <child s name> and our family to celebrate this important day. Please feel free to call us with any questions. We'll see you on Saturday, <date>. <Parent s name & phone number> 37

38 Bar/Bat Mitzvah Mitzvah Projects Appendix N Putting the Mitzvah in Bar/Bat Mitzvah Dear Bar/Bat Mitzvah Students, Though not required, we encourage the Bar/ Bat Mitzvah students at Temple B nai Or do some sort of Mitzvah Project in connection to their becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and most of them do. Here are some examples of what a Mitzvah Project might be. You could perform one or more of these or something else that you come up with yourself: donating part of your gifts to a particular charity asking your guests to bring things to the service to donate somewhere, (for example, canned food for the food pantry, books/toys for the hospital) asking your guests to make a donation to a particular charity doing something at your celebration that helps others, for example, having items in your centerpieces that will be donated to one or more worthy causes. volunteering your child s time and/or talent to a worthy cause If you are doing a Mitzvah Project connected with your becoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah, we would like the congregation to know about it through a new column in our Temple Bulletin. Our aim is not only to recognize and applaud the important mitzvot you are performing, but also to let our congregation know how they can help you. We hope, as well, to inspire other students to do something similar when they become B nai Mitzvah. Please send in a paragraph of 100 words or less to: margaretmurray@templebnaior.org. The paragraph should include the following: Name of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah and his/her parents Your town Mitzvah Project(s) you are doing How others might help you. (This can include phone numbers, addresses or websites of the charities involved. If you would like people to call you for more information, please list your phone number.) Here is a sample of what this might look like: Josh Schwartz, son of Miriam Smith and Joe Schwartz of Mendham, is donating a portion of his Bar Mitzvah gifts to the World Union for Progressive Judaism to help children in the former Soviet Union become B nai Mitzvah. Also, the centerpieces for his celebration includes sports equipment that will be donated to the Neighborhood House in Morristown. If you would like to help Josh, you can call his family at or go to any of these websites and make a donation in his honor: Your Mitzvah Project paragraph can be submitted at any time. However, if you would like it to appear in the same month as your Bar/Bat Mitzvah date, then please send it in no later than SIX WEEKS BEFORE THE FIRST OF THE MONTH IN WHICH THE SIMCHA WILL TAKE PLACE. (For example, if the date is May 27 th, in order to be in the May Bulletin, your paragraph should be submitted by March 15.) If you have any questions concerning Mitzvah Projects, our Rabbi, Cantor, Director of Education, and the Board Bar/Bat Mitzvah Liaison are happy to discuss it. 38

39 SO, YOU STILL HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS? For Questions Regarding Tutoring The D var Torah The Final Rehearsal Financial Matters Honors Ordering Kippot/Yarmulkes The Oneg/Kiddush Preparation Parental Speech Photography/Videography in the Sanctuary Reserving the Social Hall Shabbat Attendance Students Special Needs Special Needs (ramp, seating, hearing aids) The Torah Blessings B nai Mitzvah Coaching Schedule Tzedakah Projects and Ideas Tree of Life Appendix O Please Contact Director of Education/Cantor Rabbi Rossoff Cantor Galit Executive Director Cantor Galit Sisterhood Judaica Shop Executive Director Rabbi Rossoff Temple Office Executive Director Temple Secretary Director of Education Executive Director Cantor Galit Temple Office Director of Education Temple Office Telephone Numbers and (Call the Temple office to reach the following people, except as indicated) Temple Office Rabbi Donald Rossoff rabbirossoff@templebnaior.org Cantor Galit Dadoun-Cohen cantordadouncohen@templebnaior.org President Susan Agrusti Levinson president@templebnaior.org Executive Director Wendy Gottsegen wendygottsegen@templebnaior.org Religious School Director David Iskovitz davidiskovitz@templebnaior.org Temple Secretary Barbara Sherman bsherman@templebnaior.org Sisterhood Judaica Shop Laura Siegel ( ) For shop appointments and Tallit orders Karen Anolick ( ) kbanolick@att.net For Kippot orders 39