BAR & BAT MITZVAH PREPARATION A GUIDE FOR PARENTS

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1 BAR & BAT MITZVAH PREPARATION A GUIDE FOR PARENTS Fall 2009 P.O Box 1317 Columbia, MD P.O Box 1317 Columbia, MD 210 P.O Box 1317 Columbia, MD 21044

2 Congregation Shalom Aleichem BAR & BAT MITZVAH PREPARATION---A GUIDE FOR PARENTS The Purpose of this Guide A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a special milestone and great accomplishment in your child s life. This is truly a family event where you and your Bar or Bat Mitzvah child can learn and celebrate together surrounded by your community, family and friends. As parents you play a special role in helping your child succeed in this sacred undertaking. We hope this guide will help you and your family understand and embrace the religious requirements for becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah and the many choices you have to enhance your family's experience each step of the way. As you may have seen from attending B'nai Mitzvah services at other synagogues, there are two different aspects to this event: (1) the religious and spiritual aspect of the ceremony that tends to be fairly similar for most students, and (2) the celebration that follows, which varies greatly according to your family s preferences and traditions. This document provides information on how to begin the planning process, logistical considerations, and the costs associated with the various aspects of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation, ceremony, and celebration. This guide also explains the academic and service requirements your child must meet to become a Bar or Bat Mitzvah at Shalom Aleichem, the various programs of study available based on your child's unique abilities and challenges, and the role of the Rabbi, Cantor, and teachers in helping your child to prepare for this joyous occasion. We believe these guidelines and goals will enable you, your family, and your Bar/Bat Mitzvah to create a meaningful and joyous Bar/Bat Mitzvah experience. May your children bring delight and honor to themselves, to you, and to our community. Mazel Tov! What Happens at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah Service? Every Jew is entitled to be called up to the Torah (aliyah) on the occasion of reaching Jewish adulthood. In order to have an aliyah, s/he must know the blessings recited before and after the Torah reading. Most Bar/Bat Mitzvah candidates do much more than this. However, we have designed several different programs Thus, there is technically an absolute minimum requirement, but no maximum. The more a young person knows, the more he or she can participate in leading the service on their special day. In actual practice, most students read Torah and/or Haftarah, lead the major prayers of the service, and give a talk explaining or teaching about their Torah or Haftarah portion, and/or some relevant topic of Jewish interest. It is also appropriate for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah to do a service project of some kind that contributes to the well being of their Jewish or general community. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah's achievements reflect a combination of effort, ability, and your involvement. 2

3 What are Congregation Shalom Aleichem s Bar and Bat Mitzvah requirements? Our congregation has several requirements for achievement to become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. These requirements are in keeping with Judaism's sacred traditions and take into account your child's unique abilities and challenges. We hope that fulfillment of these requirements will serve to deepen your child's commitment to live according to Jewish values, to build confidence by working hard to achieve goals, and to begin to create a life of delight in the Jewish experience. To become a Bar or Bat Mitzvah at Congregation Shalom Aleichem, the student must meet the following requirements: Attend Religious School on a regular basis. Attend Friday night services in the year prior to Bar or Bat Mitzvah. We strongly encourage B'nai Mitzvah candidates to start attending services regularly two years prior to their special day. Regular attendance is the best way to learn what a Jewish service is really like. Consistent Service attendance also provides the following benefits to students and their families: Develops the student's synagogue skills as part of a living Jewish heritage; Strengthens the student's and family s sense of belonging; Enables the student to build mentoring relationships with clergy/teachers; Helps the student to create friendships with his/her cohort of B nai Mitzvah; Reduces tutoring fees since the student will learn the prayers and the service through experience; and Models life-long learning as young people witness their parents learning right along side of them. Visit Saturday morning services at various other congregations. Traditionally, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah service takes place during the Saturday morning Shabbat service. This morning service is different from the Friday night service. Therefore, we strongly encourage you and your family to visit Saturday morning services at various other congregations. This will be an enriching experience for all. Learn the following skills of Jewish worship: In general, the student must master the following Hebrew language skills to become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah: Learn the Hebrew prayers in order to lead the service 3

4 Chant the Torah blessings for an Aliyah Chant a Torah portion from the Torah scroll Chant the Haftarah blessings Chant a Haftarah portion in Hebrew with vowels, using Haftarah trope Prepare and deliver a speech about the Torah portion or other topic of Jewish interest Develop and complete a service-oriented project for "Tikkun Olam," or healing the world. We encourage the student to create a project that speaks to his or her unique interests and abilities. This is normally not something that can be completed in an afternoon or even a day. When considering a project idea, students should keep in mind that these projects should help other people in some way. Project ideas should be approved by Rabbi Heiligman. Different children learn in different ways, so do all children have to meet the same requirements? We recognize that not all children are the same. Different children have different skills, abilities, and challenges. Also, not all children learn the same way. Therefore, the rabbi and other mentors with develop your child's specific Bar/Bat Mitzvah requirements in keeping with his/her unique abilities while maintaining the integrity and substance of this sacred undertaking. To help determine your child's program of study, we have developed model plans for four different achievement levels. The plans in the table below are not precise divisions. Some students may know or learn things from different levels. These programs will enable parents, clergy, and teachers to set realistic goals for each student according to their Jewish educational background and ability. The Rabbi, with input from cantor and teachers will determine the best program for your child. We believe most students can achieve at least the Chalutzim ("Pioneers") level. 4

5 Level Designates Expectations B'nai Brachah "Children of Blessing" B'nai Breishit "Children of the Beginning" Elementary Advanced Beginners Fluency in the following prayers: Torah Blessings, before and after the aliyah Blessings over wine, bread and candles Shema Above plus: Read Hebrew accurately, syllable by syllable Mah Tovu (One line) Barchu (One line) Mi Chamocha, part one, same as the evening one (3.5 lines) Mi Chamocha part two for the morning service (2.5 lines) Oseh Shalom (One line) Torah service sing-along parts (about 8 lines) Read the actual Torah reading for own Aliyah (Usually 3-5 verses (sentences) of varying length) 3 minute speech on Torah portion or relevant Jewish topic (Thank you parts don't count) Chalutzim "Pioneers" Intermediate Above plus: Read Hebrew word by word Do at least 12 verses (sentences) of Torah or Haftarah reading Tzadik Katamar (4 short lines) Lead first 1 or 2 paragraphs of Amidah (11 lines total) V'ahavta (5 lines) Ein Keloheinu (5 very repetitive lines) Lead Aleinu (4.5 lines) Haftarah Blessings if Haftarah is read at your service (10 lines) Haftarah can be in English if 12 lines of Torah is read 4 minute, thoughtful speech Meorot "Lights" Advanced Above plus: Read Hebrew well enough to learn new text by reading, not just from a tape Know all the major prayers above well enough to lead, plus: Amida (2 Paragraphs or more, and possibly kedusha), Adon Olam or other closing song. Read Torah and Haftarah (if applicable) Project Good, informative speech that teaches something to most people present that they didn't already know. 5

6 Oy, that's a lot of Hebrew to learn! Here are our thoughts and philosophy on how to best help your child learn the Hebrew prayers and other sacred texts in preparation for Bar/Bat Mitzvah: An encouraging note about Hebrew Language Hebrew, unlike English, is almost an entirely phonetic language--that is, what you see is what you get which makes it much easier to learn. The good news is that your child has already mastered the most difficult language in the world English! The rabbi and cantor, as well as the Religious School teachers are available to help your child with Hebrew language and other skills. What's the best way to learn the Hebrew prayers and texts? The best way to learn Hebrew prayers is to learn how to read Hebrew by sounding out the words with Hebrew letters and vowels. This way, the student will have a skill for life. Sometimes, to support a student's efforts to decode Hebrew words, it may be appropriate to provide a tape/cd recording. However, these recordings should be used only in conjunction with the Hebrew text (Torah, prayer book, etc.), and not as a replacement for working directly with your tutor and the text. Who is Mrs. Winakur, and what can she teach us? Mrs. Ada Winakur was Cantor Linda's own fifth grade Hebrew School teacher, many, many years ago. She instilled in her students the notion that as service leaders we must follow along in the prayer book, and never recite prayers from memory. Service is leading is not show business It is sacred work. Therefore, each student must be able to read and follow the Hebrew for any prayers s/he will lead in the service. Spiritual and Religious Customs Considerations There are many beautiful objects and customs associated with Shabbat and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony: Wearing a Tallit All adult Jews are expected to wear a tallit when receiving a Torah honor. It is not necessary to acquire a tallit for your child, but many families choose to do so. It is often a special gift from a family member. Prayerbooks and Personalized Booklets 1. We have our regular books for Friday night services. 2. Prayer booklets are available for Shabbat Morning and Shabbat Afternoon services from. 6

7 3. Any other booklets must be paid for by the family and printed for services not scheduled at these times. Such books take a great deal of time to prepare. The rabbi must approve and edit the text of the booklet. If this process takes more than 15 minutes, a fee will be charged at $100/hour. The cantor will provide personalized art work for the cover upon request. Her fee will depend upon the complexity of the image and the materials involved in creating the image. The Rabbi will provide you with a camera-ready copy that you may use at any copy facility such as Minuteman Press or Kinkos. You must submit a proof set made for the Rabbi to review before the final print run is done. NOTE: The Staff at printing places sometimes find the right to left numbering and text of a Hebrew booklet challenging. Make sure they understand how it works, and put it in writing on your work order. We also recommend that any such booklet be prepared in such a way as to be re-usable, thereby upholding the tradition of respect for sacred writings, reducing future costs, and protecting the environment. 4. Many families choose to provide a handout with your child s Torah/Haftarah readings in Hebrew and English, as well as any other personalized messages or readings. This can also be an environmentally-friendly and less expensive alternative to printing an entire booklet Yarmulkes/Kippot The congregation has an assortment of yarmulkes. We do encourage male guests to wear them. In recent years, some women now wear yarmulkes too. There are many online companies that provide personalized yarmulkes if you want to offer them as souvenirs to your guests. Special Situations What are the expectations for a double Bar/Bat Mitzvah? In the case of double Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, one would do Torah and the other Haftarah. The Haftarah is easier to learn, but the blessings are longer. So it balances out. A highly motivated student at a double Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony could do the Haftarah and some Torah reading as well. Can we still have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah if my child cannot learn all of this and complete these tasks by age 13? 7

8 There are two ways to approach this question: You could postpone your child's Bar/Bat Mitzvah to when he/she is a little older; or The rabbi can develop a program of study for your child for a ceremony at age 13 that takes into account your child's skills, abilities, and challenges. Help! I can't read any Hebrew--How can I help my child prepare for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah? You as a parent will have a great influence on your child's commitment to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah process. Even if you can't read Hebrew, you can still give encouragement, set goals, and have the student practice in front of you. In addition, you can use your child's upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a marvelous opportunity to set a good example for life-long learning by learning some Hebrew yourself. You can take a Hebrew class, use foreign language software, use books with tapes and flashcards, or best of all, you can switch roles and let your child teach you some Hebrew. This would be a tremendous gift to your child, and to yourself. Timeline Ideally 18 months but not less than one year before your child turns thirteen and sooner if you have any special concerns about Hebrew or learning styles, the parents should: Meeting with the Rabbi Set up a meeting with the rabbi to assess your child s Hebrew accuracy and fluency. You may contact the rabbi at rabbiheiligman@verizon.net or This is the time to tell the Rabbi about any special learning or religious needs or concerns. REMINDER: Please do not call the rabbi or cantor on Shabbat or Jewish Holidays out of respect for the Jewish tradition and commandment to "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy." IMPORTANT: The rabbi will set a date with you only when your child knows all the letters and vowels and is able to read with reasonable accurately. Bear in mind that the rabbi s and cantor's availability is very limited in the month preceding the High Holidays. Ceremonies may be on Friday evening, Saturday morning or Saturday afternoon and possibly other times in special circumstances as approved by the Rabbi. Friday night services begin at 7:30 and last about an hour and a half. Saturday morning services begin at 10 and last about 2 hours. Saturday afternoon/evening services include both services and last about one and a quarter hours. 8

9 Times may vary due to length of speeches and number of B nai Mitzvah and Aliyot. The Torah and Haftarah portions are determined by the date and time of the service. The rabbi will attempt to find specific verses within the portion that will be meaningful. Our Congregation s rabbi and cantor officiate at all ceremonies. The following information is subject to change: Booking the venue for the service Before you begin tutoring on the Torah portion that will commit you to a particular date, it is wise to a reserve a location for ceremony and any additional celebration. Tutoring may begin for Hebrew fluency and prayers before a date is set. Please check with Temple President before book space. If you would like to have the ceremony at the Oakland Mills Interfaith Center, please contact them at to confirm availability. The congregation does not automatically do this except for our regular Friday night services. However, when you are ready to commit to the date, if you have the congregation make the actual reservation for you, you will get a better rate. (See below.) Please remember to estimate the number of guests when reserving the room to determine the appropriate room size. If the room requirements for a regularly scheduled service expand beyond the regular room, additional costs will be born by the family. Booking the venue for the celebration If appropriate, select a location for reception. The type of reception and location is up to each individual family with the exception that the use of spaces that belong to, or are controlled by groups that target Jews for conversion to other faiths are not acceptable. Contact staff at the Oakland Mills Interfaith Center to reserve and confirm availability if you want to use OMI for the reception immediately after the ceremony, Costs The Bar/Bat Mitzvah fee is $800. If your service is on a regularly scheduled Friday night, the fee is discounted to $650, as our costs are less. This fee covers the cost of the initial consultation, a dress rehearsal, and the actual event. It also covers two half hour sessions with the rabbi to prepare child s speech and service. A. Room for the Service 1. There is a cost for using a room at the Oakland Mills Interfaith Center if it is not our 9

10 regularly reserved room at our regularly reserved time. Currently, regularly reserved times are normally the 1 st and 3 rd Friday 7:30 each month. 2. DO NOT reserve the room at the Oakland Mills Interfaith Center yourself. You will receive the congregation discount only if the room is reserved by a member of our board. B. Tutoring 1. Rabbi: There is a cost for EACH tutoring session. Group sessions may be available for a discounted cost. Individual or small group lessons generally begin at a frequency of twice a month, but the number of meetings may be adjusted according your child s progress. Depending on how many students are preparing simultaneously, the rabbi will attempt to hold group lessons at least monthly to focus on spiritual aspects of becoming a Jewish adult including understanding the Torah, synagogue skills and prayer, being part of a community, projects, etc. Current (2009) tutoring rates are $35/half hour private lesson, $80/hour divided by the number of students for group lessons. While you may have another tutor work with you child specifically on the Torah portion, the rabbi will generally need to meet at least once a month for six months with your child to work on other aspects of preparation. 2. Cantor: There is a cost for EACH tutoring session. Group sessions may be available for a discounted cost. Speak with the Cantor for prevailing rates. The cantor will also provide voice and performance coaching as well as training in all of the Hebrew chanting. Trope Trainer or other software can be helpful to assist your child in his/her preparation, but is not a substitute for tutoring and building a spiritual relationship with the rabbi/cantor and your child's classmates. Trope Trainer is available from various vendors on line, some local Jewish bookstores, and you may find a used copy within the congregation. There are three different versions available. The rabbi recommends the standard version, particularly if you have more than one child or wish to sell of give it away after your celebration. The Deluxe version is not necessary unless you will be having a holiday Bar or Bat Mitzvah and the rabbi recommends it to you. 3. Hebrew Instructors as tutors: The Hebrew Instructors at the school are also available for tutoring sessions. Please contact Meryl Robinson, (410) , or Alan Robinson (410) , to determine availability and fee. C. Bar or Bat Mitzvah during regularly scheduled service It is traditional for the family of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah to sponsor the Oneg Shabbat (if able) when the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony is during a regularly scheduled Shalom Aleichem service. 10

11 Now Go and Learn! There are many good books that can help with the planning of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony and celebration here are a few: Putting God on the Guest List, by Rabbi Jeffrey K. Salkin; Jewish Lights Publishing How to Be a Jewish Parent, by Anita Diamant with Karen Kushner; Schocken Books, New York 11