Alei Shur, Volume 2 Rav Shlomo Wolbe Pages

Transcription

1 Alei Shur, Volume 2 Rav Shlomo Wolbe Pages Introduction for Rav Wolbe on Patience This section contains three separate offerings taken from the second volume of the modern classic, Alei Shur, by the contemporary and much revered mussar master, Rav Shlomo Wolbe. First, a few technical points by way of introduction: What follows is a literal translation of the text, however, for the sake of clarity and ease of understanding we have arranged some of the material in a different order. We have also cut certain paragraphs entirely from the original text because we felt the material was too difficult to be understood without a commentary or simply to condense the material and keep it more manageable. Obviously, there is no substitute for the original and we have only attempted to translate a small part of Rav Wolbe s section on patience. Finally, we thought it would be helpful to consider a few study questions for each of the three pieces as you read the materials. Hopefully, they will help focus and guide you to a meaningful understanding and provide a good source for some thoughtful discussion. I. Sustaining our World: 1. Return to our study questions from the introduction to Tomer Devorah in this months materials and contemplate them again while reading Rav Wolbe s piece on Sustaining our World. 2. Can you appreciate that cultivating patience is not only nice, but necessary!? Why? 3. Rav Wolbe illuminates our definition of patience and guides our actions so that they are not simply based on tolerance, but patience. How do you understand that? 4. How does Rav Wolbe s understanding of RaMaK s patience lead away from apathy and help provide a positive model for self-growth? II. Patience in the Home 5. Why is it so difficult to react patiently to our spouse? To our children? 6. Rav Wolbe may not always sound politically correct but he is always extremely (even brutally!) incisive and penetratingly insightful. In this piece, he introduces a statement from our sages that refers to one s spouse as a yoke. Can you appreciate that your spouse is a yoke that you must bear? What change in perception and attitude will this classification demand?

2 7. Should we focus on helping our spouses improve their middot or should we accept them the way they are? What is the job of a good spouse, and where do we draw the line? 8. How can we educate our children and not simply punish them? III. Patience with Ourselves 9. Can you appreciate that the process of real growth is slow and difficult and that it requires that we be patient with ourselves? How would you follow this advice? 10. Do our failures often lead to despair? Is that a positive response? What is the proper way to deal with our failures? How can we prevent our failures from leading to apathy? 11. How can patience help us devise an approach to change that clearly determines what it is we can demand from ourselves and what we cannot?

3 Alei Shur, Volume 2 Rav Shlomo Wolbe Pages I. Patience- Sustaining our World Rav Simcha Zisel (of Kelm) writes that patience (savlanut) is the root of all middot and exalted traits. His source is the RaMaK s Tomer Devorah, who writes lofty ideas in his explanation of the thirteen attributes of [God s] mercy, revealed to us by the prophet Micha at the end of his words (the book of Micha). 1 Indeed, [patience] is the first of the thirteen attributes of [God s] mercy, through which Hashem carries/bears His world. Without it we would be unable to exist for even one day. Regarding this trait we are enjoined to emulate Hashem s ways; through it man, too, carries/bears his world. Like Hashem, man bestows goodness, kindness, light of face, 2 and peace upon his surroundings. If, Heaven forbid, one is unable to act as a suffering king, such that when another individual insults him or commits a sin, he immediately hides his face and ceases to bestow goodness, kindness and peace, he too destroys the world! Now, my wise student of Torah, meditate deeply upon thishow you carry/bear your world, bestowing life and kindness, goodness and peace on everything that surrounds you. This reflection will bring you to realize that only through cultivating your attribute of patience can you truly bear the burden of your world, always, and without interruption, not causing destruction, Heaven forbid. Destruction literally, without exaggeration! From the words of the Tomer Devorah we learn something novel. Until now we understood that patience requires that one not get angry- but that is not enough. One who possesses patience continues bestowing goodness after being insulted or witnessing sin, exactly as before. He does not withhold his kindness from the one who insulted him or has sinned. This requires the ability to think precisely, to make fine distinction between subtleties. Only such a deep thinker will realize that true patience demands that he continue bestowing goodness and kindness without any change even when a response to the insult or sin is called for. A measured response should come, but never amid the abandonment of the goodness and kindness that is the very physical and spiritual sustenance of the other individual. 1 Rav Wolbe quotes part of the first chapter of Tomer Devorah, which we have provided in our previous reading- see there. 2 Light of face refers literally to a kind countenance or facial expression, but more deeply to man s ability to shower kindness on others through his inner essence. In Torah thought the word for face (panim) is written the same as the word for inner, (pnim), only the vowels are changed. The idea is that one s facial expression is a revelation of his inner self, or his essence.

4 II. Patience in the Home Patience in the home, with one s family, requires a separate and unique treatment. The closer the relationship is, the more patience that relationship demands. We come into contact with our friends from time to time, and even when we do, we rarely will quarrel or become angry. In contrast, we come into contact with our neighbors all the time and thus struggle through many instances requiring patience. Indeed, it is more difficult to be a good neighbor than a good friend. However, it is most difficult to maintain our patience when it comes to our family, with whom we spend our days and nights, through all types of situations. It is fair to say that the middah which sustains a proper household is patience. Every so often grooms (during their engagement) ask what their focus should be on their wedding day. Our council is that when standing under the chuppah (marriage canopy where the marriage is consummated) they should accept upon themselves to bear the yoke of their brides in every situation and circumstance- never casting this responsibility aside- until one hundred and twenty years. This is what Chazzal say (Eicha Rabbah 3:24): It is good for man to bear the yoke in his youth- [which yoke?] the yoke of his wife. In Lashon Ha Kodesh (Hebrew, literally, the Holy Tongue ) when a man marries a woman it s called, nosei isha, (literally, to bear a woman), and, indeed, this is a wonderfully accurate expression because one must really bear his wife, he must carry the burden that is his wife all of his days! Here we must appreciate a new insight into the middah of patience: Regarding one s family it is never enough not to become angry or critical. A spouse often witnesses behavior that engenders contempt or a total loss of respect. Even worse, one spouse discovers that the other contains a truly negative character trait; she s always late, he s lazy, etc., He tries to correct her behavior but to no avail. He must now realize that this is her nature and that it is necessary for him to make peace with this realization. Yet, it is not enough to make peace superficially or outwardly alone, such that he simply not get angry at her when witnessing this behavior. Rather, he must accept her upon himself wholeheartedly as she is, and know that he too is not perfect, and that she has no doubt realized his rotten character traits and has made peace with his imperfections. Indeed, can we even assume that a Talmid Chochom (Torah scholar) has changed all his negative traits to good?! It is at this point (when one spouse realizes the others faults) that the couple must bear each other with patience in the deepest implication of the word; to bear one the other despite the faults, without casting off the yoke of one s spouse. [The proper attitude should be one that] literally fulfills the expression, love covers up all iniquities. A couple should never feel that only they are tested with such difficulty; that they must bear this heavy burden, and that if they had chosen a different spouse they wouldn t need so much patience- because we know with certainty that every couple must cultivate the trait of patience. For it is

5 impossible that a couple not discover extreme differences and points of serious contention resulting from their middot and behaviors. All peace in the home depends solely on patience! ***** How much patience is needed to raise our children! Our pen would run dry if we attempted to discuss the myriad specific instances of child rearing that demand our patience and a positive/pleasant approach. This is not the place to delve into the many issues regarding the education of our children. However, this we must establish clearly: One does not educate with screaming and smacking! It is a pathetic situation when the only thought of parents regarding the education and rearing of their children is when to smack them Woe to such an education! It is only with infinite patience that we can arrive at a thoughtful response, and a guidance that is built upon the individual nature of the child, thus fulfilling the verse, Educate the youth according to his way/nature. (Proverbs 22:6) And so, let us educate ourselves practically in the area of patience in the home. Let us establish a set time in which we will gird ourselves with absolute patience. This time should be one that we specifically tend to lose our patience and get angry, such as the morning when trying to get the kids out of the house to school, or the time we try putting them to bed at night. During your chosen time, try maintaining a state of tempered spirit and calmness. And before Shabbos comes in, when the preparations are in their full fury, also try concentrating on being patient and being helpful wherever possible. Accustom yourself in these practices until you have established a clear vision and mental picture of behavior that results from wholehearted patience. After working with one time, move to another frantic time until you have been touched internally by the work in this time as well. All this requires an extended period of time until we can hope for a deep and penetrating effect on ourselves. III. Patience with Ourselves In order to grasp the essence of patience and become accustomed to act with patience we need to educate ourselves in the practice of patience with others. However, we also need to develop patience with ourselves. The positive desire for self-work and growth is often hampered by our weak character, forgetfulness, instability and the many other attacks our yetzer (evil inclination) launches upon us. [We say to ourselves:] The ground you have given me is infertile Woe is to the one who lacks patience with oneself! Such an individual will speedily despair from all self-work and growth, and even if he does not totally lose hope, he inevitably falls into sadness, and there is no greater damaging state of being to our service of Hashem than sadness. According to one s abilities is the essential rule in the service of Hashem. And our abilities are limited. Each pathway into self-growth which we endeavor to present throughout this work is built upon this important

6 foundation: We must always move slowly with our work, never overburdening ourselves or being extreme with what we try to do. One who grabs much, will not attain, and one who grabs little will attain. (Tractate Kiddushin 17a) And even regarding the little we can do, we will fail not once or twice, nevertheless we can never despair. Rather, we must persevere and stubbornly begin anew until, with Hashem s help, we succeed. Indeed, enormous patience is needed to work with the self. Yet, this patience should never allow us to become satisfied with our level and become apathetic to our situation, Heaven forbid. Rather it demands that we carefully tread the pathways presented herein and remain absolutely steadfast in our desire to reach perfection. [King Solomon writes:] For though the righteous one may fall seven times, he will arise. (Proverbs 24:16) Even if we stumble in our work many times in the end we will succeed, with Hashem s help. Patience is not only a middah that must be accessed after the fact preventing us from losing hope when we stumble, rather it demands an approach from the outset: Before approaching our spiritual work, we must compose ourselves with a spirit of calmness and serenity and clearly determine what it is we can and cannot demand from ourselves. We must contemplate our abilities with seriousness, so that we not concede too much of what we can do, nor demand more than we are capable of doing.