Express thyselves through me, O Muses, and make known thy. King Peter of the flowing golden locks stood over the jagged gash

Transcription

1 Express thyselves through me, O Muses, and make known thy passions, foibles and pretensions. King Peter of the flowing golden locks stood over the jagged gash in the prison that once held the most fearsome beast in all the land. O Gods! Why do you punish me with such bilious affliction! For now the beast has escaped and is free to roam the land! This having been said, King Peter of the steely gaze swept off to his chambers to weep into his pillow. Across the kingdom, in the neighboring Mt. Clemmore, Clem of the malevolent stare crowed happily to this great beast. O great beast! I have set you free from your oppressive bonds! What havocs shall you now wreak upon this neighboring kingdom? To this, the fearsome monster rumbled, All in due time, my beady eyed servant... At these words, the earth shook and rumbled, dust and jagged stones fell from the cavernous ceiling. What must I do for Master? queried Clem, shrinking under the

2 great beast s deathly stare. I must satiate my vast hunger. stated the fearsome beast. I require maiden sacrifices from the nearby kingdom. lord? Evil Clem asked eagerly, How many maidens do you require, my As many as you are able to obtain, my depraved serf, boomed the great beast. On Mount Olympus, Hera, Queen of the Gods, was reclining, listening to the winds, when she happened upon this exchange. Indeed, mused Hera. This kingdom of which the terrible beast speaks is full of many of the maidens with whom my licentious husband dallies... And thereupon, Hera devised a plan so evil, all of the nearby cute forest animals exploded. Back in the kingdom, King Peter of the majestic hair was in the arms of Morpheus, dreaming a vision great to behold. Peter, said Zeus, father of the skies. Noble Peter, you must slay this great beast, for it is replenishing

3 its vitality by means of consuming my many maidens with whom I am infatuated. My lord Zeus, master of the Gods, how must I accomplish this great task? queried the resplendent King Peter. To which Lord Zeus responded, This journey is for your patron god, Dionysus, to decide. King Peter of the silk pajamas awoke with a start and traveled to the shrine of Dionysus in the palace courtyard, where he sacrificed a goat and prayed, O great Dionysus, whose deeds are epic to behold! Aid me in conquering the red-eyed beast that lays waste the land! Dionysus appeared to goat-blood-splattered King Peter in the form of an old man. Heed these words of mine, King Peter. You must make a trap so great it will be carried by one hundred soldiers. It shall be made of wood from the Green Plastic Humane Mouse Trap tree. To catch this savage beast, you must entice it to your trap with a golden paste made from the fruit of the Skippy tree, for it is impossible to resist.

4 Yes, O Great Patron, replied hungry King Peter. In the town square was Hera, in the guise of an old woman. I need to attract Zeus s maidens to the cave of the beast... Hera spied a young maiden whom she knew to be one of Zeus s paramours. Excuse me, my dear! called shriveled Hera. You are quite pretty... so pretty indeed, you should enter a beauty contest! Oh! Do you really think I m that pretty? asked Zeus s maiden. Why yes dearie... come with me and you ll be a snack... er, I mean a winner! said Hera of the shifty demeanor. And so Hera, Queen of the Gods, led this oblivious mistress of Zeus to the mouth of the sinister cave on Mt. Clemmore, and said, Well, dearie, why don t you have a nice apple while you await the judges? Why thank you, kind old woman, said the maiden in gratitude for this tasty cliche fruit of evil old women. Alas, as the young woman took a bite, she promptly fell into a deep sleep. O Conveniently Hungry Beast, you have your maiden

5 sacrifice! proclaimed Hera. Gather strength, that you may eat more maidens in the future! Summer turned to fall, and more maidens perished on the altar of the insatiable beast. King Peter of the blistered hands still worked tirelessly with scores of the finest carpenters to construct the great trap. Finally, with the trap completed, and the paste concocted, King Peter and one hundred soldiers carried this trap with its bait to the mouth of the gaping maw of the bone-strewn cave. Inside the cave, the great beast stirred. What is it, my lord? asked Clem of the wicked schemes. Something smells most enticing... rumbled the fearsome creature. I shall venture outside to investigate... The monster lumbered outside, the earthshaking with every thunderous step. Just as he was about to eat the golden paste of the Skippy fruit, he sensed a trap, but it was too late, for in an instant he was inside of a shimmering green box, his earthshattering roars met with glee from outside. A great feast was held in honor of victorious King Peter, and all of

6 the kingdom was invited. Zeus manifested in the form of a servant. Approaching King Peter of the full wine cup, Zeus commended him. King Peter, your bravery and skill in battle against the awful depriverof-my- pleasures were most commendable! I have returned this beast to the pits of Tartarus where it belongs. I have also punished my nefarious wife suitably: she is currently a tiny mouse in a cage. About a month ago, my brother Clem brought home an abandoned baby mouse. Its cage was a plastic bin. He put one large hole in the center of the lid for air. I warned Clem that the mouse would escape, and sure enough, it did. My mom bought a couple of Humane Green Plastic Mouse Traps which I baited with peanut butter. In about ten minutes, the mouse was caught and I set it free in the woods near my house.