The Diocese of St Albans. Bereavement Guidelines for Church Schools

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1 The Diocese of St Albans Bereavement Guidelines for Church Schools

2 - 1 - Contents Page Coping with death and bereavement in the classroom...1 How to talk to pupils about death...4 What the Faiths Believe Buddhism...5 Christianity The Orthodox Tradition The Roman Catholic Tradition The Anglican Tradition The Methodist Church The Baptist Church Unitarian and Free Church Traditions Hinduism Judaism Islam Sikhism... 31

3 - 1 - Coping with Death and Bereavement in the Classroom Whether affecting those from a faith tradition or none, death is likely to have a huge impact on the child in the classroom and the immediate family. It may not be the death of a fellow student that the teacher is having to deal, with but the death of a family member, such as a sister, brother, mother, father or, as is often the case, a loved grandparent. The death of a child or young adult is so totally out of order with the sequence of life that it can have devastating consequences. Sharing the way you feel about what has happened is very important. It is not always easy to do this with others who are suffering directly from the same loss. Sometimes there can be a great deal of anger about what has happened. Trying to cope with the feelings of other family members can exacerbate the grief you are trying to come to terms with. It is easy to forget that children need special attention at this time, as their needs can so easily be overlooked when older members of the family are planning the funeral and coping with their own grief. Family members may be fearful of sharing such thoughts with others whom they love. There is sometimes a terror of letting members of the family out of sight and immediate control, in case the same thing could happen again. With older children there is the knowledge that any condition that has been diagnosed could be inherited with all the serious and ongoing implications. Children s understanding of death and their responses will be very different depending on the circumstances and their age. Some children may require professional counselling; it will be the staff at school who may be the first to notice this. It is important that members of the senior leadership team are familiar with the details surrounding the death. Talking to the family will ensure that their wishes are taken into account. Listening is important so as not to offend or cause conflict with the family. Other members of the family may also look to the school for guidance, so it is important to ensure that these issues have been planned for by the staff. A Policy and guidance ensure that everyone is working together.

4 - 2 - Young people of whatever age require honesty and, if at all possible, questions should be answered clearly and honestly. Classroom teachers or form tutors should be given some training in what to do in the event of a death of a child or close member of staff. If it is a member of staff, the other staff members could well be in a state of shock. It is important to talk about the dead person, since denial can make the situation become more problematical. Often the young people believe that they are in some way responsible. It is essential to reassure them. Allow the pupil or pupils to express their emotions and do not be afraid to talk to the pupils about the deceased. Sometimes there has been no preparation for a death, as in terminal illness, nor is the death accidental when there is an obvious and direct link between an occurrence and the tragic consequences. This can lead to those closest to the one who has died blaming themselves for overlooking possible symptoms. Dealing with their terrible loss is then compounded by feelings of guilt. Do not assume that a lack of reaction means that they do not care. Remember that everyone handles grief in a different way. Often young people feel that it is more adult to show that they are coping when deep down they are not. Many pupils will need time. Sometimes it will take months before they are fully able to cope with the rigour of school life. Most schools are good at organising some kind of assembly or worship. If the death is of a child in the school or a member of staff, this will enable the children to say goodbye. At all times this should be done in conjunction with members of the family. They may wish to attend. (See Act of Worship). Five Stages of Grief Teachers should be aware of the five key stages of grief: Denial In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our minds to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re-enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one: things such as making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, or rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Perhaps you may flash back to times and conversations in the past with someone, as though they are here with us now

5 - 3 - Anger We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated, having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief. Bargaining Bargaining can be with ourselves or, if we are religious, with God. We may offer something to try to take away the reality and pain of what has happened. We may try to make a deal, to have our loved one back as they were before the tragic event occurred. It is only human to want things as they were before. Depression Depression is a very likely outcome for all people who grieve for a loss. This is the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be the feeling of listlessness and tiredness. We may be wandering around in a daze, feeling numb. We may burst helplessly into tears, seemingly for no reason, feeling as if there is no purpose to life any more. It is common to feel guilty, as if everything is our own fault. We may feel as if we are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve, even from things and activities from which we have always gained delight. There can even be thoughts of suicide. There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. Acceptance This is the final stage of grief. It is when we realise that life has to continue. We will still have thoughts of our loved one, but they are less intense and less frequent. We begin to accept the loss. We should now be able to regain energy and look forward with goals for the future. It may take some time to get here but eventually we will. This stage can take any amount of time to reach. It can take us years, months or even days to decide that we can now cope with our loss and continue with our own lives. Trying to remember all the good that had transpired, with the loved one can often be a help.

6 - 4 - How to talk to pupils about death Always use correct terminology such as dead or died. Use simple, factual words or phrases to avoid confusion in the child's mind. Phrases such as 'going to heaven', 'slipped away' or 'God has taken him' can be frightening or misleading. Answer a child's questions truthfully and as often as they are asked, and admit to not knowing the answer to a question if necessary. Stay with the known facts. If you don't know the facts, find out before telling the child about the death. Practise open and honest communication at all times. Shedding tears is normal and indicates to the child how much the dead person meant to you. Choose a location where you will not be disturbed. Be concrete - avoid misleading terms like He's asleep. Avoid phrases like All wounds heal in time and Everything will be all right. The child cannot comprehend such statements. Say This must feel frightening (or confusing). Allow the child to ask questions and answer as clearly and factually as possible. If you don't know, say so. Be quiet and wait. Sometimes it takes a while for children to understand what has happened. The child also may need time to react to the news. Because of young children's misconceptions of death, you may need to stress that: o The person or the doctors could not prevent the death. o The person loved the child. o The person was not angry at the child. o The person will never come back. o The child will be loved. Someone will take care of the child. o Feelings are all right: sadness, anger, and crying are ok. o There's nothing wrong with playing and having fun. You can gently reassure children with these concepts even if they have not asked questions about them. Children may not be able to verbalise some of their concerns right away or may feel too embarrassed to ask you. Allow time to sit with individual pupils and encourage them to ask questions. The following web sites might be helpful in the classroom as they explore children s developmental stages: concepts of death and responses to grief fandbereavement/childrensd

7 - 5 - What the Faiths Believe In multi-cultural Britain today, it is important for teachers to have some understanding of how the various faith traditions approach death and dying. It is not possible in this context to give variations within all of the faith traditions but it is hoped that teachers will research for themselves from the list of resources if they feel they require additional information. Buddhism There are no formal traditions in Buddhism about death as funerals are regarded as a non-religious event. Buddhists believe that things are constantly changing and that nothing is permanent. We are alive, therefore we will die. This is the simplest, most obvious truth of our existence. In the teaching of the Buddha, all of us will pass away eventually as a part in the natural process of birth, old age and death, and that we should always keep in mind the impermanence of life, the life that we all cherish and wish to hold on to. There is a traditional Buddhist story which explains this idea. A woman went to the Buddha in great anguish, carrying her dead child, pleading with him to bring the child back to life. The Buddha said Bring to me a mustard seed from any household where no-one had ever died and I will fulfill your wish. The woman's attempt to search for such seed from houses were in vain and of course she could not find any household in which no-one had ever died and suddenly she realised the universality of death. Good health is simply the slowest way a human being can die." - Author unknown

8 - 6 - To a Buddhist, however, death is not the end of life, it is merely the end of the body we inhabit in this life, but our spirit will still remain and seek out through the need of attachment; attachment to a new body and new life. Buddhists believe that the body is made up of many parts or aggregates called Khandhas. They fall into five categories: Matter Feelings Perception Mental activities Consciousness These come together at birth, are constantly changing and then they disintegrate when we die. There is a state of rebirth, but not of a soul passing from one body to another. It is more like a continuation of a life cycle. These Khandhas may then come back in a different form. In Buddhism, life does not end; it merely goes on in other forms that are the result of accumulated karma. Buddhism is a belief that emphasises the impermanence of lives, including all those beyond the present life. With this in mind, Buddhists should not fear death as it will lead to rebirth. Buddhists believe that a person will be reborn in one of six realms which are; heaven, human beings, Asura, hungry ghost, animal and hell. Realms are according to the severity of one s karmic actions. See the Tibetan Buddhist Wheel of Life below.

9 - 7 - Buddhists believe that none of these places are permanent and one does not remain in any place indefinitely. Heaven - In Buddhism there are 37 different levels of heaven where beings experience peace and long-lasting happiness without suffering in the heavenly environment. Human beings - A person can be reborn into human life over and over, either wealthy or poor, beautiful or not so, and every state between and both. Asura This is a spiritual state of demi-gods but not the happy state experienced by the gods in the heavens above this state. The demi-gods are consumed with jealousy because, unlike humans, they can clearly see the superior situation of the gods in the heavens above them. They constantly compete and struggle with the gods due to their dissatisfaction with their desires from the others. Hungry Ghosts - This spiritual realm is for those who committed excessive amounts of evil deeds and who are obsessed with finding food and drink which they cannot experience and thus remain unsatisfied and tortured by the experience. They exhaust themselves in the constant fruitless searching. Animals - This realm is visible to humans and it is where spirits of humans are reborn if they have killed animals or have committed other evil acts. Animals do not have the freedom that humans would experience, due to being a subject constantly hunted by humans, farmed and used in farming, also as beasts for entertainment. Hell - This realm is not visible to humans. It is a place where beings born there experience a constant state of searing pain. The various types of realms of hell read like a variety of horrific torture chambers. Those with a great deal of negative Karma can remain in such places for eons of time. The Buddha urged people to prepare for death, to prepare for that journey by cleansing the mind and not being so attached to things, to be able to let go and release ourselves for needing to be, from needing to have. Through this people will not suffer so much as we pass through the final stage of the present life. Let go and be grateful for what we had but not cling to it. Do not try to ensure permanency and cause ourselves to suffer more than we need to.

10 - 8 - Buddhists try to accept death coming long before its arrival as they are aware of impermanence. Once we were strong and beautiful and as we age, as we approach our final moments of life we realise how fleeting such a comfortable place actually was. It is, however, natural to grieve the loss of family members and others. Even for a Buddhist, the death of a loved one or even someone close is a terribly painful event. At a certain moment, the world seems suddenly so empty and the sense of desperation ensues. Buddhist monks often remind their followers about closeness of death and emphasise the importance in getting to know death and taking time to prepare for their own demise. It is really simple; just behave in a manner which you believe is responsible, good and positive for yourself and towards others. This leads to calmness, happiness and an outlook which contributes to a calm and controlled mind at the time of death. Through this positive and compassionate outlook of life, always being aware of the impermanence of life and having a loving attitude towards all living things in this transient existence, we will be free of fear as opposed to grasping selfishly to life due to not having experienced happiness in life. A dying Buddhist is likely to request the service of a monk or nun in their particular tradition to assist in this process further, making the transitional experience of death as peaceful and free of fear as can be possibly achieved. Before and at the moment of death and for a period after death, the monk, nun or spiritual friends will read prayers and chants from the Buddhist Scriptures. In Buddhist traditions, this deathbed chanting is regarded as very important and is ideally the last thing the Buddhist hears. Buddhists believe that they can actively assist and bring relief to the dying members through assisting the dying through the process of dying. Buddhist masters believe that the final moment of our consciousness is paramount, the most important moment of all. If the ill person is in hospital and the diagnosis is grim such that the person cannot possibly survive, the family should call in the Buddhist monk to pray for the loved one so that at the final moment the right state of mind has been generated within the person and they

11 - 9 - can find their way into a higher state of rebirth as they leave their present lives. The nurses and family members are not supposed to touch the corpse, having to wait 3-8 hours after breathing ceases before touching the body for any preparation after the death. Buddhists believe that the spirit of a person will linger on for some time and can be affected by what happened to the corpse. It is important that the body is treated gently and with respect and that the monk can help the spirit continue its journey calmly to higher states, not causing the spirit to becoming angry and confused and may be more likely to be reborn into the lower realms. In the Mahayana Buddhism, especially the Vietnamese tradition, they pray for the dead for 49 days after death, 49 being the estimated time it takes for the spirit to be reborn again into a new life. Some spirits are reborn three days, 21 days, 49 days or 100 days after death, and in some cases even seven years. The supreme aim of Buddhism is to obtain nirvana or enlightenment. This translated means a state of liberation or illumination from the limitations of existence. It is the liberation from the cycle of rebirth through countless lives up and down the six states of existence. It is obtained through the extinction of desire. Nirvana is a state that is obtainable in this life through the right aspiration, purity of life, and the elimination of egotism. This is the cessation of existence as we know it, the attainment of being, as distinct from becoming. The Buddha speaks of it as unborn, un-originated, uncreated, unformed, contrasting it with the born, originated, created, and formed phenomenal world. Those who have obtained the state of Nirvana are called Buddhas. Gautama Siddhartha had obtained this state and became a Buddha at 35. However it is now believed that it was only after he had died that he reached such a place of perfect tranquility, because some residue of human defilement would continue to exist as long as his physical body existed.

12 Christianity Christians believe that when someone dies, they are judged by God. The righteous go to Heaven and the sinners go to Hell. Christians believe that Hell is the separation from the love of God. In the time of Jesus, most Jews believed in some notion of life after death, but they believed that how much a person had sinned during their life time would affect whether their soul became in the presence of God in Heaven or in Hell, the underworld where they would be cut off from God. The Jews believed that sin had no place in the presence of God. When a person died in sin, they were met by their forefathers in a place called Sheol. This was neither heaven nor hell. For Christians, Jesus teachings superseded this idea since death had been conquered by the resurrection of Jesus. Christians believe in life after death. They believe that at death the earthly body is put aside and the person becomes immortal. Death is not seen as the end, but marks the beginning of eternal life. The resurrection of the body was about the spiritual body, rather than the earthly body, but members of the early Christian Church were clear in their belief that there would be life after death. The early Christians spoke of death as a sleep in order to wake in the presence of God. Early Christian funerals were regarded as celebrations, and people wore white to celebrate the forthcoming resurrection. As time passed this changed, and funerals became a time of mourning. Images of the final judgement in art began to change views, and images of hell showed a scary place where the damned would remain tormented by demons. "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (St Matthew 16: 26). Depending on the Christian tradition, the funeral will be slightly different as beliefs vary between the traditions. When a Christian dies, it is seen as the end of their life on earth. A funeral is held for friends and family to grieve for the person who has died and give thanks for their life. If someone is on their deathbed, a minister will often prepare them for death. This is most likely after a long period of illness. Prayers of preparation and reconciliation may be said, with only the minister in the room. Sometimes anointing will take place. This is called Holy Unction or Anointing of the Sick and

13 Dying. It is one of the Seven Sacraments of the Christian Church, the others being Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist or Holy Communion, Ordination, Marriage and Reconciliation. The deceased may have left information in his/her will concerning what they want to be included in the funeral service (hymns, prayers etc) and will also say whether they wanted to be buried or cremated. The funeral is held about a week after death. It can either take place in a church or at a crematorium.

14 The Orthodox Tradition Let no-one fear death, for our Saviour s death has liberated us. He who was bound by it had extinguished it. Descending into Hades, he made Hades captive. Christ hath arisen and life reigneth. For the orthodox believer this icon of The harrowing of Hell reflects the fact that neither death nor Hell can withstand the power of the Crucified Lord. Christ rises in a resurrected body and conquers death. For the Orthodox Christian a proper understanding of the future life is essential to living in a God-pleasing, joyous, and fulfilled manner on earth. Orthodox Christians understand that every person has a choice whether or not to go to hell. As Jesus said in the scriptures: Depart from Me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry, and ye gave Me nothing to eat: I was thirsty, and ye gave Me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took Me not in: naked, and ye clothed Me not: sick, or in prison, and ye visited Me not. Then shall they also answer Him, saying, Lord, when saw we Thee hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto Thee? Then shall He answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to Me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

15 A person's view of the future determines how they choose to live now. St Isaac of Syria once said: "This life has been given to you for repentance; do not waste it in vain pursuits." Orthodox Christians still believe that at death the body falls asleep and that the souls of those that have fallen asleep are either at rest or in torment, according to what each has done. For when they are separated from their bodies, they depart immediately either to joy, or to sorrow and lamentation. Holy Unction is a sacrament in the Orthodox tradition. It is commonly known as anointing of the sick and dying. The oils are thought to be very sacred and may only be administered to Orthodox Christians. The oil, which is blessed olive oil, is said to carry God's grace to renew the body and to cleanse the spirit. The service follows the apostolic tradition mentioned in the New Testament. "...let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith will save the sick man, and the Lord will raise him up; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven" (James 5:14-15) The Funeral Service of the Eastern Orthodox Church consists of hymns, prayers, and readings from the Scriptures. Saint John Chrysostom observed The Jews of the Old Testament wept for Jacob and for Moses for forty days. Today, however, during the funeral of the faithful, the Church raises hymns and prayers and psalms. We glorify and thank God, because He crowned the departing, because He relieved the pains, because He expelled the fear, and has the deceased believer near Him. This is why the hymns and psalms reveal that in the event of death there is pleasure and joy following the glorious Resurrection of the Saviour Jesus Christ. For the psalms and hymns are symbols of joy, according to the Apostolic word: Is any cheerful? Let him sing praises (James 5:13). This is why we sing psalms over the dead psalms which move us to have courage and not to despair over the death of our brother. To find out the order of service for an Orthodox funeral service check one of the different web sites, eg

16 The Roman Catholic Tradition On the third day he rose again in accordance with the scriptures When the person is close to death, like Orthodox Christians, they might receive the sacrament of Holy Unction or Anointing. The priest will be called and prays with the person who is about to die, forgives their sins and then gives them spiritual healing by anointing their forehead and hands with oil. Some people will also receive Holy Communion. Catholics believe in Heaven and Hell, but also in Purgatory. This is a place for those who have died in a 'state of grace' (that is, they have committed 'venial' or forgivable sins) and may not go straight to Heaven. A Catholic funeral is slightly different and can be with or without Mass (Eucharist/Holy Communion). The Vigil for the Deceased: this is a service of prayers, songs and homilies, either at the home of the deceased or in church, before the day of the funeral. Introductory rites: the priest greets the congregation and says: "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." He leads the coffin and congregation down the church aisle. Holy water is sprinkled and there is an opening song and prayer. Liturgy of the Word: sermons from the Bible are read out, as well as a homily (a practical rather than theological sermon) and a Psalm.

17 Liturgy of the Eucharist: there is a preparation of gifts, a Eucharist prayer is said and Holy Communion is received. Final commendation: Mass ends, prayers are said and the coffin is taken out of the church. Rite of Committal: prayers are said by the final resting place (at the graveside for burial and before the curtains close for cremation). The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines what a funeral is.

18 The Anglican Tradition 'I am the resurrection and the life,' saith the Lord; 'he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.' Book of Common Prayer 1979 The Anglican Church has a vast variety of traditions within its rich heritage. Some Anglican Churches are closely related to the Catholic tradition whereas others are more protestant and basic in their traditions. Often, when a person is ill or dying, the family will call for the priest to carry out the sacrament of anointing, as would be the case in the Orthodox and Catholic traditions. In other Christian families, this would not be regarded as part of the tradition, but perhaps the clergy might visit and pray with the family. The Anglican Church places an emphasis on the hope of resurrection. There will usually be a service. Sometimes this will be very similar to the rite of the Catholic Liturgy with a Eucharist, but at other times it will be a simpler service as set out in Common Worship. The Gathering: the priest will open the service with a reading from the scriptures. Readings and sermon: a psalm from the Bible is read out. It is often Psalm 23, 'The Lord is my Shepherd'. Verses from the Old or New Testament are also read.

19 Personal readings: The priest will talk about the person who has died. This can be quite a personal section, reflecting on the person's life and their role in the Christian church. A family member or friend may wish to read out a poem or a passage from the Bible. Prayers: prayers of thanksgiving, penitence and readiness for death are said. Reflection: Silent time for reflection. The congregation is given a minute to reflect on the deceased. Commendation and Farewell: The priest speaks these words: "Let us commend (the person's name) to the mercy of God, our maker and redeemer". The priest then reads a prayer of entrusting and commending. The Committal: this is probably the most solemn moment of the service. At a burial, this is when the coffin is lowered into the grave. At a cremation, the curtains may be closed around the coffin. "We therefore commit (his or her) body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life." There may also be a selection of hymns which are sung throughout the service. Some parishes still have space in their churchyard for burials. The burial follows a church service and the family and friends of the deceased gather round the grave for the Committal. It is tradition to throw some earth onto the coffin. A short prayer will be said by the minister. For those who wish to be cremated, the body is taken to a crematorium, where it is burned. At the point of Committal, the curtains may close around the coffin. The ashes are put into an urn and given to the family, who may choose to keep them or scatter them in a place that was meaningful to the deceased. There are over 250 crematoria in the UK and over 70% of funerals are cremations.

20 The Methodist Church Christians believe that the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ give them hope and cause for thanksgiving in the face of death. A Methodist funeral service acknowledges this hope and offers bereaved people the opportunity to remember their loved one s life and offer them into God s care. The Funeral - Most people will use the services of a local funeral director, who will provide advice and organise all the practical arrangements. If people would like a funeral to involve the church and a local minister that is possible. The person who has died may have left details of the kind of funeral that they hoped for. Ministers will want to support families in keeping to such arrangements as much as possible and in making the service a personal and appropriate occasion. Taking funerals is an important part of the minister s work and he or she will take time to visit families, offering comfort and support before and after the funeral itself. In some churches they may be able to offer the ongoing support of one of their pastoral team. Burials and Cremations - Few Methodist churches have burial grounds and those that do are mostly full, so burials usually take place at the local cemetery. Just over half of funerals today are cremations, and services may take place entirely at the crematorium or in addition to a church service. If cremation is desired this leaves the question of what to do with the ashes. Crematoria have gardens of rest where they can be buried or scattered, and many churchyards have a special place set aside for this, even when there is no space left for graves. Bereavement - The time between a person s death and their funeral is often very busy and full of practical arrangements. Often it is only after the funeral that the full extent of loss affects the bereaved. Grieving is a natural and important part of coming to terms with and healing this loss, and it may continue for several months. There are people in most Methodist churches who have experienced loss and they are often the best people to offer support in the

21 months and years following a death. Ministers may be able to offer help or find others who can provide such friendship and support. There are patterns and themes to bereavement, but each person is different and it is important for people to be supported in finding their own way through grief.

22 The Baptist Church Baptists generally do not have a formal ritual or liturgy in what is called a funeral resolution. Each Baptist church typically follows its own customs and has a wide margin of variation on what is permitted. Although Baptists are fairly conservative, they do consider the memorial service to be a religious service. Many Baptist churches sing traditional songs or hymns during the funeral service. Baptists do however allow more contemporary music such as country or rock to be included in the funeral, as long as the music is religious. Short eulogies and memorials by family and close friends are allowed as long as they focus on the deceased s life in a faith or religious context. It is also permitted to display the deceased s work or art, as long as it is tastefully displayed or produced. The focus of the Baptist church funeral resolution is redemption, or looking ahead. Baptists are not preoccupied with the condition of the body and are more concerned about the soul and its condition. Their main concern is for the soul to be prepared to meet God. Speaking about the deceased s personal tastes and hobbies are generally not a part of the funeral service because it is not considered to be edifying or of redemptive nature. Some very conservative Baptists may not recall any of a person s life on earth during the funeral resolution or memorial service. Baptists believe that life is a cycle; they were with God from the beginning and in the end will be with God again. Baptists believe life is in the spirit and not so much within the physical body. The Baptist service consists of an invocation, also known as a prayer, asking God s help as part of a religious service, the singing of hymns in which the

23 congregation usually participates, readings from Scripture, and a eulogy which is often delivered by the pastor or clergy. Family and friends are sometimes allowed to give a brief word in the memorial service regarding the deceased faith and Christian character. While Baptist services are generally strict in nature, there is variety that can be done within its format. The important role that traditional hymns play means there are many to choose from that may evoke strong feelings from those who attend the memorial service. Hymns lyrics contain powerful words of encouragement and hope to the believer. Eulogies that address the Christian character of the deceased are permitted and the memorial service can become quite moving as heartfelt remembrances from close family and friends are shared. The funeral services are usually held in a Baptist Church or funeral home with funeral programmes distributed to display the order of service and short biography of the deceased.

24 Unitarian and Free Church Traditions These services are usually very simple and brief but they lay great stress on the resurrection. A ceremony can be in the home, church, chapel, cemetery or crematorium and the order and type of service is usually organised by the family. The advice given is as follows: It is useful to have a printed order of service and these can easily be created on a computer and then copied at low cost. Music creates strong feelings for most people, as does a brief period of silence when the deceased can be remembered. Music heard at funerals has ranged from a full Brass Band to a soprano, from jazz to a string quartet, from hymns to a Hindu chant, from the Beatles to the Post Horn Gallop, from part of a symphony to a grandchild playing a harp. The important thing is that the music should reflect the person s life and interests. Readings have ranged from the Bible to the poems of Robert Frost, from Robert Burns to Ogden Nash. Members of the family and friends can also speak words of tribute, but remember that emotions can be powerful at this time, so a copy of the words should be available for the officiate in case the individual finds it difficult to cope with the occasion

25 Hinduism Hindus believe that life is a cycle of birth, death and rebirth. During life they are said to pass through 16 stages which are all dedicated to God. These stages are called Samskaras. Hindus believe in reincarnation and as such they believe that death is the start of a new life. Rebirth is called reincarnation. It is possible that a person might have lived thousands of times before. Hindus believe that part of them -'their soul', the 'atman' - passes to a new life in another body when they die. How Hindus live during their life decides the kind of life they will have next time. Their future life is the result of their good and bad actions. These actions are called Karma. The cycle of birth, death and rebirth will end when people have constantly good Karma and they become united with Brahman (God). In India, when someone dies, the body is burned or cremated. This usually takes place on the same day as the death. The body is washed if possible with water from the River Ganges. Hindus believe that the Holy River washes away the person's bad deeds. Some Hindu families keep bottles of Holy Water from the Ganges to anoint the dying. Sandalwood paste is rubbed over the body and copper coins are placed over the eyes. Sometimes a coin or a small piece of gold from the sacred tulsi plant is placed in the dead person s mouth. The body is then wrapped in a white cloth, unless the body is of a newly married bride, in which case the body will be wrapped in the red wedding sari. In India, a platform or funeral pyre is built from logs and sandalwood, the idea being that this will smell sweetly as the body burns. The body is often covered in saffron-coloured flowers Six mourners carry the coffin to the funeral pyre. Ghee or melted butter is poured over the body to help the fire burn. A priest chants sacred verses from the Hindu Holy Book (the Bhagavad Gita). Then the eldest member of the family, usually the dead person's son, will set the wood alight and then lead the mourners as they walk around the pyre seven times. Following this, they will then bathe to wash away the spiritual pollution of death. As the body burns, the skull will crack. It is at that moment Hindus believe the soul leaves the body

26 After three days, the eldest son collects the ashes of the dead person and scatters them into the River Ganges. Only the eldest son can perform the funeral duties (antyeshti) properly. There are many places along the Ganges where cremations are carried out. Sometimes a person's ashes are taken back to India and poured into the Ganges. Following the funeral, the friends and family mourn for ten days. Friends and family take food each day to the bereaved family. During this time the family members do not eat any sweet foods and the men do not shave. Rice and mild offerings are made to the dead on the 10th, 11th, and 12th days following the funeral. On the 12 th day friends and family are invited for a special feast. A person's funeral and cremation is their sixteenth and final samskara.

27 Judaism Jews believe that death is part of life. They believe that everyone lives once on this earth and then dies. If a Jewish man or woman knows they are going to die they may ask God's forgiveness for any wrongs committed during their lives. They may also want to recite the Shema. Some Jews believe that there will be a Day of Judgement when God will bring the dead back to life and judge all for their good and bad deeds. Jews believe that it is important to follow God's commandments and be good in this life rather then preparing for the next. It is considered an act of kindness to sit with a person at the moment of death to make sure that the eyes are closed. Those present will then make a tear in their garments as a sign of grief (Genesis 37: 34). From the time of death until the body is buried a mourner is known as an Onan (immediate mourner). It is the Onan s priority to arrange the burial (halachah). A candle is lit at the head of the coffin and someone remains with the body until the funeral. When a person dies the body is washed and wrapped in a simple white shroud. This is done by members of the Chevra Kaddisha (the Burial Society). Bodies are washed thoroughly and if possible immersed in a mikveh, a pool of natural water. Men s bodies are washed by male attendees and female bodies by women. If it is a man who dies his prayer shawl is placed around his body. The prayer shawl is called a Tallit (see below). The fringes or 'tzizit' on the four corners of the tallit are cut off as the Jew no longer needs a reminder of the commandments.

28 Most Jews are buried because traditionally cremation is forbidden. A plain unpolished wooden coffin made of simple wood with no handles or internal padding is used to show that all are equal before God. In death rich and poor are treated in the same way. The funeral is held as soon as possible after death. A Rabbi leads prayers in the home before the funeral. The prayers ask for help and support for those who are left to mourn. At the burial psalms are recited over the coffin. The cemetery is called the bet olam the house of eternity. A eulogy about the person is spoken by the Rabbi or a family friend and a memorial prayer is said as the coffin is lowered into the ground. Psalm 91 is recited as relatives throw soil on to the coffin. A mourner is no longer an Onan but an Avel. Jews do not often have flowers at a funeral: instead, people give money to charity. On returning home the mourners or Avelim are served hard-boiled eggs. The egg which has no opening is meant to symbolise the mourners inability to open their mouths and put their grief into words. For seven days after the funeral the family stays at home to mourn. During this time they will not prepare food or wear leather shoes and the men will not shave. These seven days are known as the Shiva. This is to show that normal life is suspended. The family usually sits on low stools. This is called sitting 'Shiva': Shiva means seven. This happens on each day except the Sabbath when no mourning is allowed. During Shiva they neither cut their hair nor nails. All mirrors in the home will be covered to discourage attending to appearance and sexual relations are forbidden. Friends will visit the family, take them food and pray with them. The mourner s prayer - the Kiddush - is recited. On the anniversary of the death the name of the person is read out in the Synagogue. After one year a simple gravestone is placed on the grave. The family will also light a special candle called a 'Yahrzeit' which will burn for 25 hours. This comes from the verse in Proverbs 20: 27: A person s soul is the candle of the Lord. At the end of the week of Shiva the mourners may leave the house and return to normal daily life.

29 A headstone may now be set up at the grave. The first month after a death is called shloshim. On the anniversary of the death, known as Yarhzeit, a candle is kept burning night and day and the Kiddush recited. This will continue for as long as the immediate family is alive. Sometimes a new baby is named after the person who has just died.

30 Islam For Muslims life is a journey. The journey begins at birth and ends at death. Muslims believe that at death those who have led good lives will go to Paradise and be with Allah. Muslims believe in Akhirah (life after death). Muslims believe that two angels follow each person around during life and at death an angel asks questions and the answers determine whether a person has been good enough to enter Paradise. Muslims believe that the souls of the dead all wait to go to Paradise. This will happen on the Day of Judgement when the dead will rise, stand before Allah and be judged. The soul waits in 'barzakh' until the Day of Judgement. The angels will account for each person and their behaviour. The very bad will go to hell and some will only go to hell for a short time. Death is only a temporary separation and the time of death is predetermined by Allah and is part of Allah s plan. Some Muslims feel that to express grief and sorrow would be to go against the will of Allah and so will attempt to show no emotion after a death. When someone dies, friends of the family and other family members visit the bereaved family to bring food and offer support. Sometimes they will sit by the bedside and recite verses from the Qur an. When a Muslim is dying they will usually recite the Shahadah which is the declaration of faith: There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet. If possible the person will be turned to face Makkah. When a person dies it is traditional to say: "To Allah we belong and to Him is our return (Qur'an 2156) Sometimes the following words are read, O Allah, forgive us all, the living and the dead; those near at hand and those far away; keep those of us who remain here always true to your will; keep those who are experiencing death steadfast in strong faith Verses from the Qur'an are sometimes read for 3-7 days. Muslims are often very particular about who touches the body. For example, it should not be touched by non-muslims. The body will be wrapped in a plain sheet and then it will be taken to the mosque and washed. Many mosques have their own mortuary where the body is prepared for burial. Women prepare a female body for burial and men prepare a male body for burial.

31 The body is dressed in plain white cloth: White is chosen to show that everyone is equal. Five pieces for a woman Three pieces for a man Sometimes camphor is placed under the armpits and into any orifices and the arms are crossed over the chest. Those who have been on Hajj will have the white cotton sheet used on the pilgrimage for a shroud, the Ihram/Hajj robes. As the body is thought to belong to Allah, no part of the body will be cut or harmed. Post-mortem examinations are forbidden unless it is necessary for legal reasons. The parts of the prayers (the Adhan) that are recited after the call to prayer are said in the Mosque when someone dies to show that their journey is complete. Muslims always bury the dead and are never cremated. This usually takes place within 24 hours. Martyrs are buried unwashed with their blood where they fell. Often the dead are buried straight into the earth without a coffin but this will depend on health and safety regulations. Male members usually take the body to the mosque first for prayers, if not prayers are recited at the graveside. The graves should always be cut so that the face can be turned to face Makkah. The dead person is buried lying on their right side and facing Makkah (the Holy City). Muslims do not generally have flowers but in Great Britain this rule is sometimes relaxed to fit in with British custom. It is important to check. Muslims only allow one body per grave and the only writing on the grave should be the person s name. Men and women are not buried together unless it is unavoidable and then a partition is placed between them. As the body is lowered into the grave they say: In the name of Allah we commit you to the earth, according to the way of the prophet of Allah A little earth is then thrown into the grave with the words

32 We created you from it, and return you to it and from it we will raise you a second time (Surah 20:53). On the first Friday after the funeral, family members might visit the grave and place a palm leaf on the grave. (This is a symbol of peace.) Mourning should not last longer than three days, except for widows. A widow is expected to modify her behaviour for 130 days wearing plain clothes and no jewellery. She should stay in the house at all times unless it is absolutely necessary to go out. The family will normally remain inside for three days during which time friends and relatives will support them and bring them food. Outstanding debts are paid off by relatives. Funerals should be simple and inexpensive. Donations should be given to the poor. Muslims often visit the cemetery and graves of loved ones on Fridays or at the Id Festivals.

33 Sikhism In Sikhism, death is considered a natural process - an event that has absolute certainty and only happens as a direct result of God's Will. To a Sikh, birth and death are closely associated because they are both part of the cycle of human life of "coming and going". This is seen as transient stage towards liberation, a complete unity with God. Sikhs believe in reincarnation. However, by contrast, the soul itself is not subject to the cycle of birth and death. Death is only the progression of the soul on its journey from God, through the created universe and back to God again. In life, a Sikh always tries to constantly remember death so that he or she may be sufficiently prayerful, detached and righteous to break the cycle of birth and death and return to God. The public display of grief at the funeral (Antam Sanskar), such as wailing or crying out loud, is discouraged and is kept to a minimum. Cremation is the preferred method of disposal, although if this is not possible any other methods such as burial or submergence at sea are acceptable forms of body disposal. On the day of the cremation service, the body is taken to the Gurdwara or home where Hymns (Shabads) from the Guru Granth Sahib (the Sikh Scriptures) are recited by the congregation. The aim of hymns is to provide feelings of consolation and courage to the family. Kirtan may also be performed by Ragis while the relatives of the deceased recite "Waheguru" sitting near the coffin. At the conclusion of the service, an Ardas is recited and the coffin is taken to the cremation site.

34 Prior to cremation, a few more Shabads may be sung and final speeches made about the deceased. Then the Kirtan Sohila (night time prayer) is recited and the Ardas ( Antim Ardas or Final Prayer ) is offered. Thereafter, the eldest son or a close relative will begin the cremation process by either lighting a fire or pressing a button. The Sikhism funeral service usually lasts between 30 and 60 minutes. After the body is cremated, the ashes are collected and disposed by immersion in the nearest river. In some instances, an optional service may follow the cremation service. This service is held at the Gurdwara, the Sikh place of worship, and is referred to as the Sahaj Paath Bhog Ceremony.