What Good Has Come from the Death of Your Child?

Transcription

1 CHURCH OF THE MAGDALENE POCANTICO HILLS, NY ONE-DAY RETREAT FEBRUARY 24, 2018 What Good Has Come from the Death of Your Child? What a wonderful experience we had at the Church of the Magdalene on Saturday, February 24, 2018! Instead of the dark and dreary day forecasted, we were greeted by a warm and sunny morning, mirroring the gift of peace and comfort this retreat brought to many, at least for a time. As always, we deeply appreciated the strong support of the Archdiocese of New York (ARCHNY) and its commitment to the mission of this ministry. Dr. Kathy Wither and her Family Life Office team offered its fifth One-Day Emmaus Ministry Retreat for Grieving Parents since January of This retreat was particularly gratifying because the ARCHNY team planned, prepared, and coordinated the entire retreat almost completely on its own, a fulfillment of the ministry s mission to encourage and empower dioceses all over the US to adopt and maintain it on an ongoing basis. Our largest retreat ever and with our largest retreat team ever we welcomed 32 grieving parents from Hawthorne. New City, Wappingers Falls, Fishkill, Sleepy Hollow, Airmont, New Rochelle, White Plains, Cornwall on the Hudson, Schenectady, 1

2 Niskayuna, Poughkeepsie, Bronx, Pelham, Somers, Blauvelt, Ossining, North Salem, Bedford, and Manhattan, in addition to Tarrytown. Two grieving parents and the Director of Pastoral Care Ministry from the Diocese of Albany participated in preparation for offering their first retreat in November of We honored 29 children, who ranged in age at the time of death from prenatal to 66 years old. Time since the death ranged from 10 weeks ago to 35 years ago. Cause of death included suicide (8); illness (7); overdose (6); accident (2); murder (2); unknown (2); prenatal (1); and stillbirth (1). The grief of a parent has a common denominator no matter how old the child, manner of death, or how long ago it occurred. Members of the retreat team included: Fr. John Vigilanti, Pastor of Church of the Magdalene and Spiritual Leader; Marypat Hughes, In Loving Memory of Thomas, Parent Retreat Leader; Sue DiSisto, Retreat Coordinator; Dr. Kathy Withers, Retreat Coordination; Ed Muller and his team of volunteers, Hospitality Jean Sudol, Parish Liaison Michael Walker, In Loving Memory of Michael, Hospitality; Antoinette Brown, In Loving Memory of Edward and Patricia, Check-in and Readings; Sharon Kennedy-Nolle, In Loving Memory of Patrick, Check-in, Set-up, and Clean-up; Maggie & George Hodges, In Loving Memory of Margaret, Opening Prayer Service and Clean-up; Diane and Charley Monaghan, In Loving Memory of Paul, Training, Parent Witnessing; St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and Holy Name of Jesus Prayer Shawl Ministry 2

3 The retreat opened with the always-beautiful Opening Prayer Service during which we were reminded by Scripture that we are not alone In Ramah is heard the sound of moaning, of bitter weeping. Rachel mourns her children; she refuses to be consoled because her children are no more. Thus, says the Lord, Cease your cries of mourning; wipe the tears from your eyes. The sorrow you have shown shall have its reward. There is hope for your future. (Jeremiah 31: 15-17) I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, God s dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will always be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, for the old order has passed away. (Revelation 21: 3-4) Marypat did a great job of explaining the meaning of the Light in Catholic teachings. Christ is the Light of the world; the light of our children radiates from Him and is with us always. The Light of Christ and of our children, as symbolized in the candle, will never die. She pointed to the sanctuary candle and said that it beckons us closer to Christ in the Eucharist. She said that the Paschal candle represents the Lamb of God shining in the darkness, always and forever. Our children are truly present among us today, she reiterated, praying with and for us. Fr. Vigilanti gave a thought provoking and very comforting reflection. He spoke in the Church of the Magdalene and pointed out the beauty of the stained-glass windows, which are more than 100 years old. One window, in particular, he said, speaks to us today that of the Presentation of Jesus soon after his birth. Mary and Joseph took Jesus to the temple, as was the custom, similar to how we took our children to church for baptism. After he joyfully celebrated his happiness at finally seeing the Savior of the World, Simeon at the temple had grave words of foreboding for Mary as she held her precious infant. 3

4 Because of this child, he said, a sword will pierce your heart. How hard that must have been for Mary to hear! What if we had known or had any idea--at the birth and baptism of our children what was to come? Thirty-three years later Mary held her precious son after he was lifted down from the cross where he died a most horrific death. Mary knows what it s like to lose a child. When Mary and Joseph took their wedding vows, said Fr. Vigilanti, there was no way they could have comprehended what the future held. No way they could have known that their solemn declaration of love could potentially be shattered by the death of their child. Nor could you, at the time of your wedding vows, said Fr. Vigilanti, have any idea of the impact of the death of your son or daughter on your marriage and on your life. The hardest thing a priest has to do, shared Fr. Vigilanti, is to minister to grieving parents. On the day of a child s funeral, no matter how old the child, all words fail, he said. No matter how brilliant you are, how renowned a homilist you are, how much you care there are no words for a grieving parent whose precious child has died. You have to be there for them. All you can say is, I m sorry. No other words make sense. Fr. Vigilanti talked about a grieving mother who came to him a year after her child had died to tell him of words a friend said that had haunted her for the entire year. Trying to be helpful, the friend said that her son s death was God s will. I cannot believe and I cannot accept this, said Fr. Vigilanti. If I believed that it was God s will that children die, I could never be a priest. I could never pay homage and pray to a God who was the source of so much pain, he said. This is the same as when people tell you that God needed another angel in heaven, said Fr. Vigilanti. Not true! Words reverberate. Most parents say that they would willingly give up their own lives in an instant if it would bring their children back, said Fr. Vigilanti. This is the essence of true love, he said. 4

5 Fr. Vigilanti watched his own mother sacrifice day after day for her six children. Being a parent is the personification of love, he said. The loss of a child is unlike any other. It reverses the natural order. It is the same, no matter how old the child or the manner of death. It is just not supposed to happen, he said. What was Mary thinking at the foot of the cross? asked Fr. Vigilanti. She had to be asking Why? She had to be asking what does all of this mean? She had to be asking How will I go on from here? Mary was human. From the gospels, we don t really know much about what happens to Mary after the Resurrection. The question is open-ended. Sometimes the gospels ask us to write our own endings, said Fr. Vigilanti, to finish them in our own way. It would be interesting to contemplate what Mary s day-to-day life after the death of Jesus was like. We know that she lived at least several years after Jesus died. What was life like for her as a grieving mother? Did she grieve like we grieve or was it easier for her because she understood on some level that Jesus was the Son of God? Did she understand the Resurrection? Was it a piece of a cake for her? Or did she still feel sad? Did she still miss the physical presence of her son? Did she long to hug and hold him? Did she look for ways to keep his memory alive? We wish we knew more about Mary during those years. Perhaps Fr. Vigilanti is right in that we need to write our own versions of this gospel. Your faith is most important, said Fr. Vigilanti. If you didn t have your faith no matter how tiny or faint right now where would you be? Your faith teaches you what it means to love and that love changes everything. It brings you comfort and it brings you hope. Matthew s gospel of Jesus Sermon on the Mount is very comforting, said Fr. Vigilanti. This sermon reaches out to people everywhere reaching them where they are. Jesus is telling us that he understands. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. We have Jesus exact words telling us that he will bring us comfort and he will bring us everlasting peace. 5

6 The retreat day progressed as we continued to explore our spiritual journeys and where God and our children are or are not in our lives right now. There were lots of opportunities for sharing and camaraderie and lots of quiet time, if we chose, to just be. During a group sharing session, one parent asked an interesting, thought-provoking question What good has come from the death of your child? Of course, our first reaction is Nothing! We want our child back and there is nothing good about his/her death. But the discussion that ensued slowly opened up the realization that so much good has happened since and because of the death of our children. Parents told of beautiful tributes they and others have experienced in loving memory of their children benches in woods and on mountains in NY scholarships for high school kids who really need it hats and socks for the homeless tied to tree branches help for college students in danger of suicide or overdosing friends inspired to return to the church the Emmaus Ministry and many others. One parent talked about reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner, after the death of her son. According to the Rabbi, she said, bad things happen to everyone. We are human and this is the human condition, even though you look around and it is easy to be envious of others who seemingly lead a perfect life. The most important thing is what you do with this bad thing. How can we, as grieving parents, make some good come out of such a horrific experience? How can we erase this horror? What can we do to make our kids proud? We joined parishioners of the Church of the Magdalene at their beautiful Saturday Vigil Mass, during which we focused on the Transfiguration. As Catholic grieving parents, it is comforting to hear over and over again in almost every gospel that Christ, the Light of the World, is here right now for each of us He was human He is God There really is a kingdom to come And, one day, we will all be reunited with those we love. 6

7 During the Prayers of the Faithful we remembered all parents, grandparents, siblings, parents and friends of deceased children, as well as special remembrances for all of those affected by the horrendous shooting in Parkland, FL on Ash Wednesday. It was difficult during the Closing Prayer Service to extinguish the wicks of the Memorial Candles for our children. But we know that these candles, though beautiful, are merely symbols. Nothing can extinguish the light of these eternal beings, our children, who will live on forever and ever. At the end of the retreat, parents had this to say I had my trepidations before the retreat, but my feelings changed the minute I arrived in the warm and welcoming environment. Sharing this spiritual journey with other parents who have traveled the same road was supportive and comforting. My goal was to deepen my spiritual journey. The retreat exceeded my expectations. We came together as strangers, but left as friends. I felt understood, heard, and not judged. How awesome to merge my grief journey with my faith! This was the first time that that religious aspect has been part of the discussion. It has been a great spiritual experience. And so another Emmaus Ministry Retreat for Grieving Parents ended. We left renewed and refreshed, comforted and with hope. Thank you, Holy Spirit! 7