PROBLEMS THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONSHIPS

Transcription

1 PROBLEMS THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONSHIPS Every individual is involved in relationships of one kind or another, i.e. peers, job, family, marriage. There are some relationships we should walk away from but there are others we cannot neglect, except with great loss to ourselves and the other party. Who said Christians don t have problems? Christians tend to believe they shouldn t have relationship problems, so they suppress them, ignore them, deny them, avoid them, but problems won t ever get solved that way. Gen 13:5-7. Abraham and Lot had strife and problems over their herdsmen. Having a problem doesn t mean your unspiritual. But your failure to deal with it does. Relationship problems are dangerous. (Proverbs 6:16-19) These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaks lies, and he that sows discord among brethren. Unresolved problems have started wars, destroyed nations, dissolved partnerships, broken marriages, and ruined families. The greatest cause of division among believers is uncrucified flesh. The problem is not going to go away, its only going to get worse, unless? No one is immune from problems, not even Pastors and their wives. Most problems in history can be traced to some faulty relationship. Genesis l-3. The first man in the garden destroyed the perfect relationship by insisting on having his own way. Then he blamed his wife for his failure. The truly mature person will face problems when they arise and commits to finding a solution. The immature will frequently try to ignore problems and avoid dealing with issues affecting the relationship. That s unscriptural, Matt 5: The basic cause of problems is we want our way. Problems in relationships occur as a result or individuals being so committed to their own views, opinions, ideas, and feelings, that they ignore, abuse, and neglect that of others. Philippians 2:3-4. Definition of selfishness, the exclusive consideration by a person of his own interests. Failure to consider the interest of others is a major cause of problems in all forms of personal relationships. If you want to build strong relationships avoid overemphasizing yourself, and be willing to accept the opinions and ideas of others. Relationships revolve around personal needs. People need each other; nobody is self-sufficient. Everybody has needs that can only be met through

2 relationships with others. We have Spiritual needs; Physiological needs; and Psychological needs, of love, safety, self-respect, and sense of fulfilment. Mans Spiritual need is his greatest, for in it lies the key to every other need. Matthew 4-4 Man shall not live by bread alone. God designed us to be physically and emotionally dependent on others Genesis 2:18. The stronger our relationships with others, the more our personal needs will be met, and vice versa. Met needs build relationships. In order for relationships to be mutually rewarding the needs of all the individuals involved must be met. As long as everyone s needs are met, the relationship grows stronger. Our goal in any relationship must be to meet the needs within the relationship. How do we do that? By meeting the present need. The goal of any relationship then, must be to meet existing needs. We must communicate the needs of a relationship or they will deteriorate when the needs are not communicated. Communication is the heartbeat of any relationship. Communication doesn t meet needs; it just brings them to the attention of the one who is able to meet them. Acts 6, don t just focus on yourself. Romans 14:19; 15:2. Four of the Ten Commandments deal with our relationship with God. The remaining six deals with our relationship with others, all deal with the same thing, relationships. Within a relationship be alert to changing needs and it will remain healthy nothing remains static. Colossians 3:12-14, perfectness is only found here and in Hebrews 6:1. That s commitment. The world is committed to its own. We need to be committed to our relationships. The relationship cycle: Relationships follow a definite pattern in development and degeneration. Four Steps. Cooperation, Retaliation, Domination, Isolation. Cooperation Style: This style remains as long as all the needs are being met within the relationship. When needs go unmet the retaliation style kicks in. This style will remain until one begins to force the other to meet the need. Manipulating the other to get your way eventually produces a winner. The retaliation style: Someone in the relationship decides his needs might not be met and so acts to make sure they are. Don t retaliate but communicate. If you ve done all you can and things continue to deteriorate in the relationship, sometimes it is because God has something in mind for you. Abram and Lot separated; it was the will of God that they should. Evil communications corrupt good manners. The key to maintaining co-operative relationships is the willingness to openly communicate all our needs.

3 Domination style: In domination one person is oppressed by another. One plays God while the other becomes his servant. This type of abuse of power in the church is normal. Christ came to set men free Philippians 2:3-4. But here the person being dominated must meet the needs of the dominator, in order to get his own needs met, even partially. Eventually the dominated person concludes that there is no mutuality in the relationship, and therefore their needs are never going to get met. They are now isolated, and will remain so until the relationship is terminated or restored. A false balance is an abomination to the Lord. This cycle is typical. When God created us He made us in His image, as creative beings. We have a driving need to exercise our creativity. If we don t have the opportunity to interact creatively we will never feel a part of it, and place little value in it. If a Kingdom is divided against itself, that Kingdom cannot stand. If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand Mark 3: No matter how big, or small a group of people involved in a relationship are, if there is division and lack of teamwork, the group will not survive for very long. Then isolation follows: The dominated feeling rejected, then seeks to insulate himself by isolation. Gradual withdrawal follows, until the inevitable dissolution of relationship arrives. And if he can muster up enough courage, walks away from the relationship. The key factor in a healthy relationship is met needs. The cause of deterioration is unmet needs. This is why so many people keep moving from church to church. The power player: Ecclesiastes 4:1. So I returned and considered all the oppressions that are done under the sun, and beheld the tears of such as were oppressed, and they had no comforter; but on the side of the oppressors there was power. This person must win, and so pursues aggressive action to be certain his needs will be met first. Churches excuse this by calling it Strong leadership. It has its roots in fear and so they take matters into their own hands. Trusting in the Lord is not their style. It is this love of power that many fallen clergy miss. A power they found in the pulpit. That is why having their relationship with the Lord restored this is insufficient for them. They must get their position back at all costs. Perhaps they think they can atone by saving many souls, or doing some great and noble deed for God. Where is the servant spirit of Mark 10:43-44? Three things mark this style of person. He has, a total lack of concern for the needs of others. A total commitment to his needs. He must win at all costs. The dominator says, Do I have to do everything around here? Or, They won t do anything I want them to do. His style destroys what little respect the world has for the church and spoils her testimony. The co-operation style is the starting point for all relationships. Partners should focus on meeting each other s needs. Make a list of your ten

4 greatest needs real or perceived; we assume to many things about our relationships. THE GOAL IS A CO-OPERATIVE RELATIONSHIP Philippians 2:3-4 RSV. Matthew 7:12. The Bible commands us to consider the needs of others. I am my brother s keeper. Watching, lest any among you falls short of the grace of God. All healthy relationships start because people have needs that they cannot meet by themselves. Starting relationships requires some commitment. A decision is made to join together in meeting each other s needs. You make it in a marriage, a partnership etc. Few relationships remain in a co-operative style indefinitely. Pastors and congregations, husbands and wives, employees and employers, partnerships. They all started with strong commitments, and many end up like the ruins after a battle. Some basic needs that we all have are friendship, belonging, contribution, love, significance, protection, approval, correction, direction, impartation. Relationship meets our need for friendship, however the relationship won t go far unless complimentary needs are being met. (Romans 15:2). We need to remember complementary does not mean identical needs. We achieve success as we focus on a common goal; place less emphasis on ourselves than on others; have mutual trust and respect; confront the problems jointly; become more strongly committed to the relationship. It all boils down to -: Commitment. Common goals. Unselfishness. Mutual trust. Creativity. Continued new commitments. It s the same in every type of relationship; in marriage; with the Lord, and with one another. Commitment. We live in a world that questions all our commitments to partners, families, friends, and employers. For Christians commitment is vital. Luke 14:16-24 He was committed to them; He thought they were committed to Him. He had made a wrong assumption. His friends all had new commitments. Jesus didn t just give lip service to His commitment, He proved it when He lay down His life for us. We ought also to lay down our lives. When our partners begin putting their oxen, land, or new relationship first, we start to feel like a yoyo, with an on again, off again relationship. That kind of relationship is not going to last very long. Common Goals. Complementary needs draw people together; common goals keep them together. Common goals need to be agreed upon, and maintained for stability in a relationship or it will eventually terminate. Psalm 133: 1. Unity in our goals is essential. Goals give meaning to relationships. Unselfishness.

5 We are naturally self-serving. Serving others does not come naturally. To develop lasting relationships, we must be willing to serve. John 13: Philippians 2: 4. History (church as well as natural) is the record of man forcing others to serve his needs. If things are not working out in the relationship, don t just tolerate communicate. Co-operation demands serving others by meeting their needs. But they must know about our needs as well, it s a paradox, we must neither be selfish nor selfless. The purpose for the existence of the relationship is to have needs met. Jesus said it in Luke 6:38; Proverbs 11: Loyalty is becoming a thing of the past. 2 Timothy 3:1; Matthew 24:10. If it is true, that one of the marks of the last days is the production of a people that are traitors and disloyal, then God is going to produce a people who are just the opposite. God is loyal. He is loyal to His word. The only way that we can show our loyalty to God, is by being loyal to those to whom He is loyal. Creativity: Only in co-operative relationships is creativity fully expressed Philippians 4:13. I Corinthians 12:12. When people work cooperatively they can achieve phenomenal results. Teamwork is being united in effort. Some amazing things have been accomplished by athletic teams lacking in experience, skills and finesse which through pure team spirit won the day. They succeeded because they were united and committed in teamwork. The opposite is also true. Lack of teamwork can cause the most talented group to be unproductive. Business partnerships and marriages that seem to have everything going for them fail. They fail, simply because the people didn t learn to work together. A team is two or more people moving along a path of interaction towards a common goal. Three key features in an effective team. 1. A team contains two or more people. 2. There is effective interaction and communication. 3. There is a common goal. If any of these are missing you really haven t got a team. The superman myth: We all have strengths, and we all have weaknesses Ecclesiastes 4:9-10. The ideal of the complete individual? He is a person of all strengths and no weaknesses. In reality this person does not exist outside of the Godhead. However, it is difficult to convince some people that they are not all knowing and all-powerful! The superman figure isn t aware that he has any needs. That s why he has poor relationships. Invariably he falls, spiritually and morally bankrupt, sadly he takes many down with him.

6 Communications are the lifeblood of relationship. Cut off the blood supply and the member will die. We need to hone our communication skills. Jesus was the master communicator; we don t always find it easy. Consider Moses, and Jeremiah! Communication is the sharing of thoughts and feelings and ideas. We need to learn to listen. Listening is the key to understanding Proverbs 8:34. Rules for proper listening. 1. Don t interrupt. 2. Don t start forming a response while the other person is still speaking. 3. Ask questions. Don t assume you already know what the speaker is going to say Ecclesiastes 3:3, There s a time for everything. The roll of commitment in relationships. Relationships are no stronger than the commitment we make to them. 1 Samuel 18:1. David and Jonathon had an extremely strong Commitment. Go in peace for we have sworn friendship to each other in the name of the Lord saying, the Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever 1 Samuel 20:42. Commitment is the cement of relationships. The only way to maintain co-operative relationships over the long road, is by making strong commitments. The commitments we make must focus on the other person and not on ourselves. The commitment must be mutual, and not one sided, and it must be unconditional, Luke 15: We must know to what we are committed. We are just mouthing words unless we know to what we are really committed in the relationship. We often hear people say I am really committed to you and it means nothing. When a couple marries its As long as you both shall live. The level of the commitment determines the longevity of the commitment. Commitments are not necessarily permanent in themselves. Commit to God. Commit to one another. Forgive mistakes. Forget when you are wronged. Seek to improve the relationship Romans 15:2 Luke 6:38. Finally, one can understand the whole cycle of relationships and still do nothing about it. Unless we are willing to make commitment to our relationships all this information is just head knowledge. It is time for action, and it starts at the top. Psalm 133. The church system is like a festering suppurating sore that could be cured, but it doesn t have the heart motivation. The only remedy for pride is destruction. Pride cometh before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. OUT OF THE HEART The only person, apart from God, who can really know what anyone else is thinking, and what he is really like, is that person himself. And no one can know God's thoughts except God's own Spirit. Who knows what is in the heart of man, except his own spirit, which is in him? There have been times, that we

7 all have wondered, as we were talking to somebody who kept hedging, and beating about the bush, What is going on in this person s mind. Or we may have thought, I wonder what was in the back of his mind when he made that remark? Human agencies attempt to regulate human behaviour by rules and regulations, which, when they are violated, the offender must pay the penalty for their misconduct. But rules cannot control the heart of an individual. God s intention for His people is that they would live in a self-regulating society. God has put us on trust. As trustees of our destiny we are exhorted to Keep our heart with all diligence because out of it issues are born. Integrity of heart can only be maintained by those who walk after the spirit, and not after the flesh. Few there are who have not suffered at the hands of another. There is many a Judas in the ranks of the saints. Like moles in the secret service they have crept in unawares. Judas are only found in the fellowship of the saints. The Church s problems are not external but internal. We need to come to His table and take a hard look at ourselves. Ask for mercy, and find grace, special assistance in times of need. Jude 1:12-22 (NIV) These men are blemishes at your love feasts, eating with you without the slightest qualm, shepherds who feed only themselves. They are clouds without rain, blown along by the wind; autumn trees, without fruit and uprooted twice dead. They are wild waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, for whom blackest darkness has been reserved forever. Enoch, the seventh from Adam, prophesied about these men: "See, the Lord is coming with thousands upon thousands of his holy ones to judge everyone, and to convict all the ungodly of all the ungodly acts they have done in the ungodly way, and of all the harsh words ungodly sinners have spoken against him. These men are grumblers and faultfinders; they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves, and flatter others for their own advantage. But, dear friends, remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ foretold. They said to you, "In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires. These are the men who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts, and do not have the Spirit. But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith, and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love, as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Be merciful to those who doubt. Please visit our website