Amoris Laetitia The Joy of Love. Summary & Commentary. Chapter 1. In the Light of the Word

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1 Amoris Laetitia The Joy of Love Summary & Commentary Chapter 1 In the Light of the Word Following the introduction, Pope Francis begins his reflections by noting that the Bible is full of families, births, love stories and family crises. The couple that loves and begets life is a true, living icon, the Pope says, capable of revealing God. The ability of human couples to beget life is the path along which the history of salvation progresses. Seen this way, the couple s fruitful relationship becomes an image for understanding and describing the mystery of God himself, for in the Christian vision of the Trinity, God is contemplated as Father, Son and Spirit of love, Pope Francis states. The triune God is a communion of love, and the family is its living reflection, he adds. Importantly, the Pope also points out that the marital union is evoked not only in its sexual and corporal dimension, but also in its voluntary self-giving in love. Returning to his reflections on the Scriptures, Pope Francis notes that the Bible also presents the family as a place where children are brought up in the faith. He cautions, however, that the Gospels remind us that children are not the property of a family, but have their own lives to lead. Turning his attention to modern day issues, the Pope notes that certain realities are sadly present in many countries today, where the lack of employment opportunities takes its toll on the serenity of family life. Late in this chapter, Pope Francis says that against a backdrop of love so central to the Christian experience of marriage and the family, another virtue stands out, one he believes is often overlooked in our world of frenetic and superficial relationships. It is tenderness, he says. The Pontiff then affirms the Church s teaching that marriage is between a man and a woman. The word of God tells us that the family is entrusted to a man, a woman and their children, so that they may become a communion of persons in the image of the union of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Begetting and raising children, for its part, mirrors God s creative work, he says. Finally, he encourages families to regularly pray together. The family is called to join in daily prayer, to read the word of God and to share in Eucharistic communion, and thus to grow in love and become ever more fully a temple in which the Spirit dwells. Commentary Pope Francis begins Al with a chapter on what scripture has to say about the family in order to set a proper tone (n 6) to his exhortation. 1

2 For Catholics, the word of God is communicated through scripture and tradition which both flow from the same divine well-spring (Dei Verbum, 9). AL is a good example of scripture and tradition working together. The Second Vatican Council restored the scriptures to their proper central place in the life of the Church but we still have a lot to learn about how to read them and to allow them help us make sense of our daily lives. Although the New Testament was written over a period of some fifty years, in the latter half of the first century, the Old Testament spans a period of probably more than a thousand years. It records God s chosen people gradually coming to know God who nonetheless manifested himself to them from the very beginning. Getting to know God s ways and God s will took time, and Christians believe this only fully came about in the life, death and resurrection of Christ. As the bible recalls, God s plan for families was present from the very beginning, but so also was our reluctance as human beings to accept it and our tendency to deviate from it. The bible records violence and conflict among families not to endorse it but to acknowledge that it is a reality, and to emphasise that God s love is stronger than it and eventually triumphs. In this chapter we are told that God is revealed to us as a communion of love (n 11), that is, as three distinct persons who give everything to and receive everything from one another: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The family is also called to be a communion of love. Pope Francis tell us that a man and a woman whose marriage is characterised by voluntary self-giving in love (n 13), is a unique image of God, a true, living icon of God s inner life (n 11). Self-giving needs to be spelled out: it means life-long exclusive commitment to one another and openness to new life. It is not just about sexuality; it also means the mutual respect, regard and openess to self-sacrifice which sexual self-giving embodies. Pope Francis approach to the family in this exhortation is both idealistic and realistic and he sees a similar approach reflected in the scriptures. Only gradually, as the Old Testament bears witness, did God s chosen people awaken to the reality that any kind of subjugation, exploitation, violence or oppression between spouses or of children by their parents is opposed to God s plan (n 19). This might seem self-evident to us but in biblical times it would have been very counter-cultural and still is in some cultural contexts. There are obvious ways in which family members can be insensitive and unjust to one another. There are also more subtle ways. Pope Francis speaks of how today our relationships can easily become frenetic and superficial (n 28). We can fail to make time to express a delicate and tender intimacy that should characterise family relationships, spending more time, for instance, engaging on social media than in any meaningful way with each other. AL is a timely reminder of the tenderness, an important word for Pope Francis, that we can and should experience in familial relationships. Chapter 2 The Experiences and Challenges of Families Pope Francis begins his consideration of the current situation families find themselves in by asserting that the welfare of the family is decisive for the future of the world and that of the Church. He quotes extensively in this chapter from the final report of the Synod on the Family, particularly on issues directly affecting family life, such as; Individualism; Cohabitation; 2

3 Commitment; Narcissism; Housing; Employment; Child sexual abuse; Migration; Human trafficking; Procreation; The elderly; Poverty; Pornography and overuse of social mediaun Same-sex unions; Domestic violence; Gender ideology. Early on Francis warns of today s fast pace of life, stress and the organisation of society and labour, since all these are cultural factors which militate against permanent decision. Freedom of choice makes it possible to plan our lives and to make the most of ourselves, the Pope says, noting that if this freedom lacks noble goals or personal discipline, it degenerates into an inability to give oneself generously to others. Indeed, Francis notes, in many countries where the number of marriages is decreasing, more and more people are choosing to live alone or simply to spend time together without cohabiting. In today s modern society, according to Pope Francis, the ideal of marriage, marked by a commitment to exclusivity and stability, is swept aside whenever it proves inconvenient or tiresome. The fear of loneliness and the desire for stability and fidelity exist side by side with a growing fear of entrapment in a relationship that could hamper the achievement of one s personal goals, he says. The Pope warns, however, that Christians can hardly stop advocating marriage simply to avoid countering contemporary sensibilities, or out of a desire to be fashionable or a sense of helplessness in the face of human and moral failings. What we need is a more responsible and generous effort to present the reasons and motivations for choosing marriage and the family, and in this way to help men and women better to respond to the grace that God offers them, he says. Pope Francis also criticises the Church for its far too abstract and almost artificial theological ideal of marriage that he believes is far removed from the concrete situations and practical possibilities of real families. We have long thought that simply by stressing doctrinal, bioethical and moral issues, without encouraging openness to grace, we were providing sufficient support to families, strengthening the marriage bond and giving meaning to marital life. We find it difficult to present marriage more as a dynamic path to personal development and fulfilment than as a lifelong burden, he says. Noting that young people today are postponing marriage for economic reasons, work or study, Francis states that there is a need to find the right language, arguments and forms of witness that can help us reach the hearts of young people to invite them to take up the challenge or marriage with enthusiasm and courage. The Pope also notes that a weakening of faith and religious practice in some societies has led to families feeling more isolated amid their difficulties. 3

4 Commentary Chapter 2 reflects the findings of the consultations that have gone on over the past two years and the bishops deliberations at the two synods. Pope Francis wants Church doctrine and pastoral practice to take the challenges experienced by families, especially those on the periphery of society, seriously and he identifies them here and comments on them in some detail. From the beginning of his pontificate he has sought to transpose everything the Church does into a missionary key. He clarifies what he means by this in EG 33: we are to abandon the complacent attitude that says We have always done it this way, and be bold and creative in rethinking the goals, structures, style and methods of evangelization. AL can be understood as rethining the Church s approach in regard to the family and this begins by reflecting on what families today have to deal with. The chapter is not just a catalogue of laments. Pope Francis affirms the fact that today many people enjoy greater autonomy and freedom than heretofore, and in many parts of the world there is greater respect for justice and human rights than in the past. At the same time he notes the hesitation by many people today to take the plunge and get married. Paradoxically, for all the freedoms people today seem to enjoy there is a greater reluctance to make commitments. In Laudato Si (hereafter LS) Pope Francis said that people no longer seem to believe in a happy future; they no longer have blind trust in a better tomorrow based on the present state of the world and our technical abilities (n 113). Technical progress does not always deliver happiness and we might think we are free when in reality we are not free at all. Freedom of choice is not real freedom. Real freedom shows itself when we are able to enter into a life-long commitment. Paradoxically, such a commitment also deepens true freedom. Today we can easily be paralysed by selfishness and lose our ability to give ourselves generously to others (n 33). The mesmerising array of alternatives to how we can live our lives threatens to sweep away all truths, values and principles (n 34). Yet these are indispensable to building meaningful lives. The Church needs to hold before society the value of marriage and also warn against a cultural decline (n 39) that often treats relationships as it treats objects, that is, as disposable. But simply decrying problems we see in society is not always effective and certainly never sufficient. The Pope calls on everyone committed to the Christian understanding of marriage and the family to present the reasons and motivations for choosing marriage and the family, and in this way to help men and women better to respond to the grace that God offers them (n 35). The challenge is to reach the hearts of young people (n 40) and convince them of the joy which married life and children bring. Obviously, married couples are best placed to do this. The tenderness of Pope Francis approach is evident in that he is also concerned for the threats to the marriage of older people (n 39). Pope Francis does not focus only on so-called hot button topics: contraception, gender-fluidity, same-sex marriage. He also speaks of the threat to marriage and the family caused by substance abuse, unemployment, migration and the other issues we have listed above. However, he is strong in his condemnation of what he calls the legal deconstruction of the family (n 53). This stems from a world view, he says, in which the only good is considered to be personal autonomy, that is, personal freedom understood only as freedom from all constraints and never as the freedom to become the kind of people God has called us to be. 4

5 The Church s position on these issues is not intended to be cruel or hurtful and the Pope wants us to be sensitive and supportive to people in all situations and relationships. At the same time he wants the Church to witness to the authenticity of marriage as being only possible between a man and a woman in an indissoluble union because only such unions can be stable commitment(s) that bears fruit in new life (n 52). Unions that are temporary or closed to the transmission of life, what he calls de facto unions, including same-sex, cannot ensure the future of society even though they may offer the individuals involved in them some stability (n 52), and this should be recognised. But from the Church s point of view such unions cannot be equated with marriage. Chapter 3 The Vocation of the Family Pope Francis dedicates his third chapter to some essential elements of the Church s teaching on marriage and the family. He states that, through the Church Christ bestows on marriage and the family the grace necessary to bear witness to the love of God and to live the life of communion. The sacrament of marriage, according to the Pope, is not a social convention, an empty ritual or merely the outward sign of a commitment. The sacrament is a gift given for the sanctification and salvation of the spouses, he says. Pope Francis goes on to state that marriage is a vocation, inasmuch as it is a response to a specific call to experience conjugal love as an imperfect sign of the love between Christ and the Church. Consequently, the Pontiff adds, the decision to marry and to have a family ought to be the fruit of a process of vocational discernment. Christian marriage is a sign of how much Christ loved his Church in the covenant sealed on the cross, yet it also makes that love present in the communion of the spouses. By becoming one flesh, they embody the espousal of our human nature by the Son of God, he says. Sexual union, lovingly experienced and sanctified by the sacrament, is in turn a path of growth in the life of grace for the couple, Pope Francis states. The meaning and value of their physical union is expressed in the words of consent, in which they accepted and offered themselves each to the other, in order to share their lives completely, he says. Pope Francis notes that, in the Church s Latin tradition, the ministers of the sacrament of marriage are the man and woman who marry, and that by manifesting their consent and expressing it physically, they receive a great gift. Their consent and their bodily union, according to the Pope, are the divinely appointed means whereby they become one flesh. Noting that sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman, Pope Francis states that marriage is firstly an intimate partnership of life and love which is good for the spouses themselves. The Pope goes on to say that he considers it urgent to state that if the family is the sanctuary of life, the place where life is conceived and cared for, it is a horrendous contradiction when it becomes a place where life is rejected and destroyed. The family protects human life in all its stages, including its last, he states. Francis then turns his attention to the education of children, noting that schools do not replace parents, but complement them. 5

6 The education of children, according to the Pope, is not just a task or a burden, but an essential and inalienable right that parents are called to defend and of which no may claim to deprive them. He continues that the Church has a responsibility to cooperate with parents through suitable pastoral initiatives, assisting them in the fulfilment of their education mission. The Church is a family of families, constantly enriched by the lives of all those domestic churches. Noting that the Church itself is a family of families, Pope Francis concludes this chapter by stating that the experience of love in families is a perennial source of strength for the life of the Church. Commentary Chapter 3 gets to the heart of the good news the Church has to offer to families. It also identifies the family s indispensible role in the Church s mission. Pope Francis speaks strongly about the indissolubility of marriage, the sanctity of human life from conception to natural death, marriage as being only possible between a man and a woman, and openess to the transmission of new life as an essential feature of conjugal sexual union. Yet he is concerned to proclaim these truths in a manner in which they can be heard in contemporary culture. His view is that the Church s teaching can only be heard in a context, that context being a personal encounter with God s unconditional love, and when underlying wounds have been treated and healed (n 79). Otherwise, what should be welcomed as a gift is viewed instead as a burden or yoke (n 62). Without first experiencing Christ s love, the moral teaching of the Church in regard to marriage and the family is unlikely to be appealing or even to make much sense. The proclamation of the saving love of God comes before moral and religious imperatives, Pope Francis said in the journal America, early in his pontificate, yet today sometimes it seems that the opposite order is prevailing. AL can be seen as an effort to overcome this. In EG Pope Francis writes On the lips of the catechist the first proclamation must ring out over and over: Jesus Christ loves you; he gave his life to save you; and now he is living at your side every day to enlighten, strengthen and free you (EG 164). All ministry to the family must begin with this kerygma, this core message of Christianity. The Gospel is a personal encounter with the merciful love of the Father revealed in Jesus Christ. It is a message of love and tenderness (n 59) that is experienced in a special way in and through family life. Christians believe that personal encounter with Christ not only reveals who God is but who we truly are as well and what it means to live our lives fully. Only in the mystery of the Incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light, Pope Francis writes, quoting Vatican II (n 77). In Christ we discover the joy of being human and the self-sacrificing love of which we are capable. The family is referred to a number of times as being an icon, meaning an image, or representation of Christ (n 11; see also nn 70, 121). We need to understand these terms in the strongest possible way, as we do, for instance when we speak of the sacraments. We understand the sacraments as re-presenting, that is, really rendering or making present, God s actual love. None of the Church s sacraments are private affairs, affecting only those who receive them. The sacrament of marriage impacts on the whole of the Christian community because it places the mutual love of the couple at the disposal of the Church as an icon or representation of God s love for all God s people. At the heart of marriage is the couple s mutual self-giving which is manifested in their free and generous consent to each other and in their sexual union (n 75). Conjugal love is among the most 6

7 powerful realisations of love of which we human beings are capable and therefore it can help us to understand, appreciate and experience God s love. To be an icon of the relationship between God and God s people, marital love has to be exclusive and definitive (n 70). Sexuality within marriage is spoken of very positively in AL where it is understood as a gift (n 61), a pathway to growth for the couple and an enrichment of their relationship (nn 74, 80). Throughout AL we see that Pope Francis holds the ideal of marriage and the family before us as something actively to be striven for with the help of God s grace. At the same time he recognises that in reality our lives can fall short of this ideal. He wants to encourage us in such situations so that we will not give up or fall into despair. Despite their weaknesses, he tell us, familiies can become a light in the darkness (n 66). The XIV World Synod of Bishops (2015) found a particular way of speaking encouragingly of what are often called irregular unions, that is, people who are living together without being married, are only married civilly, or are divorced and remarried and Pope Francis deploys it here as well. It compared the incomplete and imperfect nature of such unions to the grasp of the Word of God we often find in other religions and cultures (Final Report nn 23, 47). Such seeds of God s Word, with proper care and support, can grow into fullness. Similarly, imperfect relationships that nonethelss show signs of stability and mutual care can be supported and challenged to mature into the fullness of marital commitment (n 76). Pastors are to accompany those in irregular unions with wisdom and sensitivity, and be aware of the need for careful discernment when faced with complex situations (n 79). We will reflect further on this in Chapter 8. Chapter 4 Love in Marriage All that has been said so far would be insufficient to express the Gospel of marriage and the family, according to Pope Francis, were we not also to speak of love. For we cannot encourage a path of fidelity and mutual self-giving without encouraging the growth, strengthening and deepening of conjugal and family love, he says. This chapter essentially reads as advice for married couples. It amounts to an in depth critique of healthy and functioning relationships, asserting that love is: patient at the service of others not jealous not boastful not rude generous not irritable or resentful forgives rejoices with others bears all things believes all things hopes all things endures all things 7

8 Pope Francis begins by urging married couples to cultivate patience. Otherwise, the Pope suggests, we end up incapable of living together, antisocial, unable to control our impulses, and our families will become battlegrounds. Forgiveness also plays a key role in healthy relationships, the Pope suggests. Today we recognise that being able to forgive others implies the liberating experience of understanding and forgiving ourselves, he says. Pope Francis goes on to state that, in family life, we need to cultivate that strength of love which can help us fight every evil threatening it. Love does not yield to resentment, scorn for others or the desire to hurt or to gain some advantage. The Christian ideal, especially in families, is a love that never gives up, he asserts. A love that is weak or infirm, incapable of accepting marriage as a challenge to be taken up and fought for, reborn, renewed and reinvented until death, cannot sustain a great commitment, according to the Pontiff. In marriage, according to Pope Francis, the joy of love needs to be cultivated. When the search for pleasure becomes obsessive, it holds us in thrall and keeps us from experiencing other satisfactions. Joy, on the other hand, increases our pleasure and helps us find fulfilment in any number of things, even at those times of life when physical pleasure has ebbed. Marriage is a means of expressing that we have truly left the security of the home in which we grew up in order to build other strong ties and to take on a new responsibility for another person. This is much more meaningful than a mere spontaneous association for mutual gratification, which would turn marriage into a purely private affair, he says. The Pope continues that committing oneself exclusively and definitively to another person always involves a risk and a bold gamble. Unwillingness to make such a commitment is selfish, calculating and petty. It fails to recognise the rights of another person and to present him or her to society as someone worthy of unconditional love, he says. Pope Francis also states virginity is a form of love, however, cautions that celibacy can risk becoming a comfortable single life that provides the freedom to be independent, to move from one residence, work or option to another, to spend money as one sees fit and to spend time with others as one wants. Finally, he notes that while the course of every marriage physical appearances change, this hardly means that love and attraction need fade. We love the other person for who they are, not simply for their body. Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won our heart. Even if others can no longer see the beauty of that identity, a spouse continues to see it with the eyes of love and so his or her affection does not diminish, he says. Commentary This is a remarkable chapter on the nature of conjugal love and explains why such love is a precious icon of God s love for us (n 121). At the same time, Pope Francis is realistic. He says there is no need to lay upon two limited persons the tremendous burden of having to reproduce perfectly the union existing between Christ and his Church (n 121). Becoming a mirror of God s love is something that only happens over time and through co-operation with God s grace. 8

9 The main part of Chapter 4 (nn ) is a reflection on 1 Corinthians 13 and could be read as a stand-alone reflection on the joy and the cost of true love. It would be an excellent text for a couple preparing for marriage or for the renewal of their marriage vows to read and pray with. We can all do with reflecting honestly on how our attempts to love plays out in practice: how well we listen, bear with one another s weaknesses, put up with injustice, give and forgive generously, and so on. Pope Francis makes a sharp distinction between true love, which he says is the greatest form of friendship (n 123) and which treasures interior beauty and joy over physical appearance and pleasure (n 126) with what he calls adolescent individualism that seeks a mere spontaneous association for mutual gratification (n. 131). This is an important paragraph aimed specifically at young people by Pope Francis, and with characteristic frankness. He very much wants to encourage young people to rise to the challenge of marriage which can both protect and shape their shared commitment. At the same time he does not want them to be blind to the obligations and responsibilities marriage brings. In all relationships communication is key and Pope Francis provides sound practical advice about the importance of language, tone, patience in listening, and keeping an open mind (nn ). In the past the sexual dimension of marriage was often considered in Church teaching only to have value in the context of the procreation of children. St John Paul s theology of the body has helped the Church to appreciate better how sexual union within marriage is a profound and indispensible expression of love between the couple and not to be seen only as at the service of procreation. Pope Francis reinforces this understanding (nn ). However, both within marriage and outside of it sex can become a source of violence and manipulation (n 154). Pope Francis makes very clear the need for mutual respect between spouses in regard to the sexual act and he rejects in particular any subjugation in this regard of women by men (n 156). Pope Francis also explores in this chapter the value of virginity and celibacy. These are to be understood as particular forms of love. In the past, they were sometimes considered superior to marriage but Pope Francis is quick to reject this and discourages any attempt to play one off against the other (n 160). Both celibacy and marriage embody different aspects of the one love of God for his people. Just as there are imperfect forms of married life, there can also be imperfect forms of celibacy. By this Pope Francis means the ways that those called to the single life can become overly-independent and self-centred (n 162). Celibates need to learn from the generosity and self-sacrifice that is necessary to make a marriage work. Finally, as couples get older they need to reaffirm their love for one another by constantly seeking new ways to grow in strength. We love the other person for who they are, Pope Francis says, and not simply for their body (n 164). God accompanies couples through the different stages of their lives so that they can rejoice at every new step and in every new stage (n 163). Chapter 5 Love made Fruitful 9

10 Pope Francis dedicates his fifth chapter to procreation and child-rearing, speaking powerfully about welcoming new life and about the vital roles mothers and fathers play in raising children. The family is the setting in which a new life is not only born but also welcomed as a gift of God, the Pontiff begins. The gift of a new child, entrusted by the Lord to a father and a mother, begins with acceptance, continues with lifelong protection and has as its final goal the joy of eternal life, he says. Noting that some parents feel that their child is not coming at the best time, Pope Francis encourages them to ask the Lord to heal and strengthen them to accept their child fully and wholeheartedly. It is important for that child to feel wanted. He or she is not an accessory or a solution to some personal need. A child is a human being of immense worth and may never be used for one s own benefit. So it matters little whether this new life is convenient for you, whether it has features that please you, or whether it fits into your plans and aspirations, he states. Nowadays, Pope Francis also notes, we acknowledge as legitimate and indeed desirable that women wish to study, work, develop their skills and have personal goals. While in full agreement, the Pope cautions that we cannot ignore the need that children have for a mother s presence, especially in the first months of life. I certainly value feminism, but one that does not demand uniformity or negate motherhood, he warns. Pope Francis then turns his attention to the distinction between the roles of a mother and a father. A mother, he suggests helps a child to grow in confidence and to experience that the world is a good and welcoming place. This helps the child to grow in self-esteem and, in turn, to develop a capacity for intimacy and empathy, he says. On the other hand, a father, according to the Pope, helps a child to perceive the limits of life, to be open to the challenges of the wider world, and to see the need for hard work and strenuous effort. A father possessed of a clear and serene masculine identity who demonstrates affection and concern for his wife is just as necessary as a caring mother, he says. A reversal of the roles of parents and children is unhealthy, since it hinders the proper process of development that children need to experience, and it denies them the love and guidance needed to mature, he adds. Acknowledging the suffering couples who are unable to have children go through, Pope Francis recommends adoption as a very generous way to become parents. I encourage those who cannot have children to expand their marital love to embrace those who lack a proper family situation. They will never regret having been generous, he says. Pope Francis also speaks about the social obligations married couples need to be aware of. Christian marriages, according to the Pope enliven society by their witness of fraternity, their social concern, their outspokenness on behalf of the underprivileged, their luminous faith and their active hope. Their fruitfulness expands and in countless ways makes God s love present in society, he says. 10

11 Finally, Pope Francis notes the important roles of grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends and even neighbours. Friends and other families are part of this larger family, as well as communities of families who support one another in their difficulties, their social commitments and their faith, he says. Commentary The bulk of this chapter summarises a series of short weekly addresses given by Pope Francis between the two Synods on the Family in the first part of It reflects his concern that society today is gripped by self-absorption and individualism, especially in the west. At the heart of secular liberalism, a destructive outlook on life that is driving much of social policy today including in Ireland, is the belief that personal autonomy is the only ultimate value. This means that we tend to think of freedom primarily in terms of liberation from various constraints and responsibilities rather than as a gift by which we ourselves grow to fullness through our service of others. Much of what we hear in society and especially in the media tends to prize self-fulfilment and selfrealisation above all else. Christians consider self-fulfilment to be important: The glory of God, according to St Irenaeus, is man fully alive. However, as Christians see it, genuine self-fulfilment only comes through self-sacrifice, that is, through the willingness to lay down our lives for each other (Jn 15:13). True love, whether it is lived in marriage or celibacy, is characterised not by selfishness but by selfgiving; by openness and generosity rather than by a preoccupation with one s own needs. It seeks to be inclusive, especially of those who are vulnerable, weak and discarded. It seeks to bring everyone in all circumstances to the fullness of life. It is willing to make sacrifices, and parents, for instance, know this instinctively. Pope Francis writes: For when speaking of children who come into the world, no sacrifice made by adults will be considered too costly or too great, if it means the child never has to feel that he or she is a mistake, or worthless or abandoned to the four winds and the arrogance of man (n 166). In this chapter, Pope Francis reflects on what self-sacrificing love means in the context of the various familial relationships: child, father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister, the elderly, in-laws. Whereas in the west very often our concept of what makes up a family has shrunken, in the global south, Africa, Latin America and Asia where the majority of Catholics now live, the family is still thought of in terms of an extended network of relations. Pope Francis is very conscious of the importance of relationships across the generations, for instance, between children and their grandparents, and we have much to learn from his profound respect for role of the elderly in young people s lives (nn ). Pope Francis speaks in detail in this chapter about the distinctive roles of fathers and mothers and how a child has a natural right to be reared by both (n 172). This is not always possible, and in such instances families and communities compensate generously. Pope Francis is very encouraging of foster and adoptive parents (nn 82, 179, 180). However, as a society we should not go out of the way to create circumstances in which a child is deliberately deprived of the possibility of being reared by their natural mother and father, as is inevitable, for instance, in cases of surrogacy. The key point here is that a child is never an accessory or a solution to some personal need (n 170). Christians should try to trust in God s goodness and providential care and resist scientific advances that make posssible the tailor-designing of children to meet the needs of adults. 11

12 There are many ways of ensuring that our love bears fruit in society (nn ). An understanding and appreciation of this can ease the heartbreak of those who are unable to have children. In fact, Pope Francis says that Even large families are called to make their mark on society (n. 181). Chapter 6 Pastoral Perspectives Without claiming to present a pastoral plan for the family, Pope Francis reflects on some more significant pastoral challenges in chapter 6. The Pope opens this section noting that ordains ministers often lack the training needed to deal with the complex problems currently facing families. He notes that seminarians should receive a more extensive interdisciplinary, and not merely doctrinal, formation in the areas of engagement and marriage and also highlights the need for training lay leaders who can assist in the pastoral care of families. Marriage preparation, according to the Pope, should be a kind of initiation to the sacrament of matrimony, providing couples with the help they need to receive the sacrament worthily and to make a solid beginning of life as a family. Francis notes, however, that marriage preparation begins at birth, claiming that those best prepared for marriage are those who learned what Christian marriage is from their own parents. In an effort to promote the ideal of Christian marriage, Pope Francis cites the example of St Valentine s Day, for which commercial interests are quicker to see the potential of this celebration than are we in the Church. Reiterating the important of solid marriage preparation for couples, the Pope states that the timely preparation of engaged couples by the parish community should also assist them to recognise eventual problems and risks. Both short-term and long-term marriage preparation, according to the Pope, should ensure that the couple do not view the wedding ceremony as the end of the road, but instead embark upon marriage as a lifelong calling based on a firm and realistic decision to face all trials and difficult moments together. Noting that short-term preparations for marriage tend to be concentrated on invitations, clothes, the party and any number of other details that tend to drain not only the budget but energy and joy as well, Pope Francis warns couples arriving at their wedding ceremony exhausted and harried, rather than focused and ready for the great step that they are about to take. The Pope appeals to fiancés to have the courage to be different. Don t let yourselves get swallowed up by a society of consumption and empty appearances. What is important is the love you share, strengthened and sanctified by grace. You are capable of opting for a more modest and simple celebration in which love takes precedence over everything else, he says. Pope Francis also speaks about how young love needs to keep dancing towards the future with immense hope. If, in the first years of marriage, a couple s experience of love grows stagnant, it loses the very excitement that should be its propelling force, he says, adding that young married couples should be encouraged to develop a routine that gives a healthy sense of closeness and stability through shared daily rituals. 12

13 These could include a morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together and sharing household chores. Yet it also helps to break the routine with a party, and to enjoy family celebrations of anniversaries and special events, he suggests. Pope Francis also notes that many couples, once married, drop out of the Christian community. However, he blames the Church for not taking advantage of occasions when married couples return, to remind them of the beautiful ideal of Christian marriage and the support that our parishes can offer them. I think, for example, of the Baptism and First Holy Communion of their children, or the funerals or weddings of their relatives or friends. Almost all married couples reappear on these occasions, and we should take greater advantage of this, he says. On the vexed subject of ministering to divorced people, Francis insisted that they are not excommunicated and should not be treated as such, since they remain part of the ecclesial community. Commentary The XIV World Synod of Bishops was not content only to offer general theoretical considerations about family life; it wanted to propose new pastoral approaches and methods. At the same time, Pope Francis has always advocated what he has called a sound decentralisation (EG n 16) and so he puts the onus back on individual dioceses and bishops conferences to devise concrete pastoral plans for the family. In this chapter he discusses some of the challenges families face which emerged at the synods and which need to be taken into account by those responsible for this dimension of pastoral ministry. In AL, we are looking at the family primarily through the lens of mission. The key question we face as Church is to help people realise that the Gospel of the family responds to the deepest expectations of the human person (n 201). Pope Francis is convinced that the Catholic Church is proposing values that are clearly needed today even in the most secularised of countries (n 201). The parish, as a family of families, is expected to be at the forefront of ministry to families (n 202). It is helpful to recall what Pope Francis has said about the Church today being like a field-hospital (n 291). The family, understood as domestic church (see Discussion Q 3, Chapter 1) is also a hospital of sorts (n 321). Even though our families may be far from perfect and wounded in many respects themselves they still have a key role to play in healing each others wounds and the wounds of society as a whole. This chapter calls for a radical re-examination by Church authorities of the quality of both the initial formation and the continuing support it provides to married couples. It acknowledges that the formation of priests and others engaged in family ministry also needs to be reviewed. Marriage preparation continues to provide a key point of contact between couples, who might otherwise not be practising, and the parish community. It should prove a point of reconnection for a couple with the sacramental life of the Church as a whole. Instead of marriage preparation being perfunctory, haphazard, rushed, and focused on the completion of technicalities, as it often can be, it needs to be a genuine pedagogy of love (n 211). Pope Francis cautions against allowing preparation for the big day to take the place of genuine preparation for the commitment being undertaken. Pastors fail in their duty if the couple does not grasp the theological and spiritual import of the words of consent (n 214). 13

14 The parish as a family of families needs to be particularly supportive of the first years of married life and the Exhortation details a number of practical ways in which this can happen (nn ). The leadership of the pastor is key in ensuring these supports are put in place. Pope Francis discusses here what responsible parenthood means. We live in a cultural context that, as we have seen, tends to privilege personal freedom above all else and can be hostile to life (n 222). Couples need to be helped to make conscientious decisions in regard to having children. As Church we have been called, Pope Francis wrote earlier, to form consciences, not to replace them (n 37). Vatican II s teaching on conscience is repeated here: the most secret core and sanctuary of a person. There each one is alone with God, whose voice echoes in the depths of the heart (n 222). The Exhortation details many of the crises and tragedies that can befall families including difficulties in child-rearing, marital breakdown, and bereavement. The key question is how the parish community can accompany families at such time, healing their wounds and strengtening their love. Chapter 7 Towards a Better Education of Children The seventh chapter is dedicated to the education of children and deals with; The ethical formation; The learning of discipline; Patient realism; Sex education; Passing on the Faith. Parents, according to Pope Francis, always influence the moral development of their children, for better or for worse. It follows that they should take up this essential role and carry it out consciously, enthusiastically, reasonably and appropriately, he says. Parents, the Pope continues, need to consider what they want their children to be exposed to. This, he says, necessarily means being concerned about who is providing their entertainment, who is entering their rooms through television and electronic devices, and with whom they are spending their free time. Only if we devote time to our children, speaking of important things with simplicity and concern, and finding healthy ways for them to spend their time, will we be able to shield them from harm. Vigilance is always necessary and neglect is never beneficial, he says. On the other hand, the Pope warns that obsession is not education. We cannot control every situation that a child may experience. What is most important is the ability lovingly to help them grow in freedom, maturity, overall discipline and real autonomy. Only in this way will children come to possess the wherewithal needed to fend for themselves and to act intelligently and prudently whenever they meet with difficulties, he says. Pope Francis insists that it is essential to help children and adolescents to realise that misbehaviour has consequences. They need to be encouraged to put themselves in other people s shoes and to acknowledge the hurt they have caused. It is important to train children firmly to ask forgiveness and to repair the harm done to others, he states, adding that children who are lovingly corrected feel cared for. The Pope cautions, however, that it is important that discipline not lead to discouragement, but be instead a stimulus to further progress. Noting that the world today is dominated by stress and rapid technological advances, one of the most important tasks of families, according to the Pope, is to provide an education in hope. 14

15 This does not mean preventing children from playing with electronic devices, but rather finding ways to help them develop their critical abilities and not to think that digital speed can apply to everything in life, he says. Pope Francis admits it is not easy to approach the issue of sex education in an age when sexuality tends to be trivialised and impoverished. Sex education should provide information while keeping in mind that children and young people have not yet attained full maturity. The information has to come at a proper time and in a way suited to their age. It is not helpful to overwhelm them with data without also helping them to develop a critical sense in dealing with the onslaught of new ideas and suggestions, the flood of pornography and the overload of stimuli that can deform sexuality, the Pope says. Francis also notes that sex education deals primarily with protection through the practice of safe sex which he states can convey a negative attitude towards the natural procreative finality of sexuality, as if an eventual child were an enemy to be protected against. Finally, Pope Francis says that raising children calls for an orderly process of handing on the Faith. The home, he says, must continue to be the place where we learn to appreciate the meaning and beauty of the faith, to pray and to serve our neighbour. Commentary Pope Francis dedicated a chapter of his encyclical Laudato Si (hereafter LS) to education. He also dedicates a chapter to the topic here which makes many similar points. Education involves schooling, and he has important things to say here about Catholic schools, but it is much broader, and in fact in the first place we should think of education as the responsibility of parents. They are the first ministers of their children s education (n 85). Pope Francis stresses that above all parents need to spend quality time with their children and there is no substitute for this (n 278). Parents often worry today about where their children are physically and are concerned to protect them from bodily harm. Pope Francis wants parents to be equally concerned about where their children are existentially, that is, in terms of their personal growth and maturity. Obsession is not education, he says (n 261), and it is impossible to prepare children for every eventuality they will encounter in life. Thus, he suggests, it is better to start processes than to dominate spaces (n 261) by which he means to provide children with a proper understanding of freedom, maturity and selfdiscipline so that they can grow up to act intelligently and prudently in whatever circumstances they find themselves. Parents have a right to have their children educated in schools that accord with their values, including their religious values, but ultimately parents cannot delegate the repsonsibility to hand on their values to anyone else (n 263ff, see also n 84). At the same time, parents should support the provision of Catholic schools and partner with them in educating their children in the faith (n 279). Pope Francis also stresses the need for an education in hope. In LS, Pope Francis said people no longer seem to believe in a happy future; they no longer have blind trust in a better tomorrow based on the present state of the world and our technical abilities. There is a growing awareness that scientific and technological progress cannot be equated with the progress of humanity and history, a growing sense that the way to a better future lies elsewhere (LS, n 113). He repeats this sentiment here, calling on families to provide young people with a sense of confidence in the future, the patience necessary to achieve long term goals, and the self-discipline required to defer immediate satisfaction or gratification in order to achieve them. This is needed because the stress of rapid technological advances creates the false impression that everything must either be achieved immediately, or cannot be achieved at all (n 275). 15

16 Parents also have a responsibility to ensure that the sex education their children receive in schools accords with their religious values (nn ). The false notion that we have absolute control over our bodies and can manipulate them as we wish leads to the equally false notion that we can manipulate and use creation and other people as we wish (n 285, referring to LS n 155). Finally, he concludes that the formation in faith of young people, which is the shared responsibility of parents, parish community and Catholic schools, should produce missionary families confident in their own faith and convictions and willing to share them joyfully with others. (n 289). Chapter Eight Accompanying, discerning and integrating weakness (or better, fragility) The eighth chapter of Pope Francis exhortation on the family is an invitation to pastoral discernment for people living at odds with Church teaching. The Pope uses three verbs in particular: Accompanying; Discerning; Integrating. He opens by stoutly defending the Christian notion of marriage that is realised in the union between a man and a woman who give themselves to each other in a free, faithful and exclusive love, who belong to each other until death and are open to the transmission of life, and are consecrated by the sacrament, which grants them the grace to become a domestic church and a leaven of new life for society. Some forms of union radically contradict this ideal, Pope Francis notes, while others realize it in at least a partial and analogous way. Interestingly, he cites participants at the Synod on the Family who stated that the Church does not disregard the constructive elements in those situations which do not yet or no longer correspond to her teaching on marriage. Pope Francis is particularly concerned that many young people today distrust marriage and live together, putting off indefinitely the commitment of marriage, while yet others break a commitment already made and immediately assume a new one. Turning his attention to the vexed issue of divorced and remarried Catholics, the Pope such people can find themselves in a variety of situations, which should not be pigeonholed or fit into overly rigid classifications leaving no room for a suitable personal and pastoral discernment. Another thing is a new union arising from a recent divorce, with all the suffering and confusion which this entails for children and entire families, or the case of someone who has consistently failed in his obligations to the family, Pope Francis states, noting that it must remain clear that this is not the ideal which the Gospel proposes for marriage and the family. He is in agreement with the many Synod Fathers who observed that the baptised who are divorced and civilly remarried need to be more fully integrated into Christian communities in the variety of ways possible, while avoiding any occasion of scandal. Noting that neither the synod nor his exhortation could be expected to provide a new set of general rules, canonical in nature and applicable to all cases, Pope Francis states that what is possible is simply a renewed encouragement to undertake a responsible personal and pastoral discernment of particular cases. For what Pope Francis calls an adequate understanding of the possibility and need of special discernment in certain irregular situations, one thing must always be taken into account, he says. The Church possesses a solid body of reflection concerning mitigating factors and situations. Hence it is can no longer simply be said that all those in any irregular situation are living in a state of mortal sin and are deprived of sanctifying grace. 16