ASIAN MISSION CONGRESS 2006 Family Concerns as Experienced in a Basic Ecclesial Community by Edna Quinquero

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1 ASIAN MISSION CONGRESS 2006 by Edna Quinquero I am a Filipina, married to a Malaysian Chinese who is a Taoist. We met each other at a logging company base in Sabah where we worked together. It was the statue of Mother Mary which Khoo Chooi Lai presented to me, that changed my hesitant attitude and feelings towards him. When he proposed to me, I consulted my older sister with whom I had been staying at that time. Although there was no opposition from her, she advised me to inform my father who lives back home in the Philippines. She also asked me to speak to my brother-in-law about the marriage proposal. When I did, he EXPLODED and insisted that I resign from my job immediately, thus causing a great commotion at our workplace and much embarrassment for me. This made me all the more determined to accept the marriage proposal which I felt, would also help me claim my own freedom. I was thrown out of the house. My uncle too declined to help and told me that I had to face the situation on my own. Finally, it was with the consent of my older brother that we went to the Registrar of Marriages at Sandakan. Later in Penang, we celebrated a Chinese customary marriage ritual which my father-in-law insisted upon, since my husband was the eldest son. My in-laws have always been kind and understanding towards me. Hence, of my own initiative, I tried to observe their customs and practices. I helped my mother-in-law with the cleaning of their altar and offered joss-sticks too. I considered all that as a sign of respect towards my in-laws as well as their belief. I felt that respect should be mutual in terms of our faith and religion. Later, we moved out to live on our own in Johor Bahru where a tremendous change took place in my life as a Catholic. A Church friend invited me to a Basic Ecclesial Community (BEC) home-gathering. Until then, I had always been a Sunday Catholic. During a conversation, my friend s sister suggested that my marriage be validated to enable me to receive Holy Communion. I discussed this with my husband who was only too happy with the idea getting a blessing from the Church and therefore, he agreed to it. However, my husband turned down my request to have our children baptized by suggesting that we wait until our children could make their own choice at the age of eighteen. Here I realized the difficult position that my husband was in, he being the eldest son and therefore, its significance for our children as well. However, he finally consented to having our children baptized, which not only made me happy, but also felt supported by my BEC members who agreed to be the god-parents of our children. My participation in the BEC gatherings and particularly the Word-sharing sessions has helped me to cope better with difficulties in life including family life. I find great support and encouragement in the Wordsharing sessions which help me to reflect more deeply the mysteries and life of Jesus Christ. Before the end of my term as an area-coordinator, I involved my daughters in visiting the sick and house-bound, which led to more BEC members joining us and continuing with this aspect of ministry. Two of my sons are altar-servers. Striking a good balance between Church ministries and family life remains a great challenge. Initially, my husband told me off by saying that I was spending my time outside rather than with my family. I then explained to him that I am with our family most of the time daily and also, that just as we care for one another in our family, we should reach out too to those who are lonely, suffering or in pain. Since then, my husband has not raised any objections or stopped me. As I now look back and reflect on the trials that I have been through during the different stages of my life, I see the Lord s hand in bringing me to the BEC, which actually helped me to begin my faith journey with the Lord and in community. Otherwise, I would have remained in my cocoon lost within myself and my family affairs only. I have experienced the value of having someone in the BEC, with whom I can share my troubles or burdens in life. My relationship with Jesus has helped me in my relationship with others in community.

2 ASIAN MISSION CONGRESS 2006 by Lawrence Visagaran I was born into a very traditional Hindu family. Due to certain circumstances in our family life, my mother faced the challenge of bringing up her children on her own, and that too, in a foreign land. As a result, she built up her expectations of looking forward to having a better future with her four sons. However, my brothers failed her, and I began to respond to her emotional needs which I felt was the least I could do for her in return for her sacrifices. Thus, I became her blue-eyed boy. She did her best to give me a good education, and I succeeded in entering the university. She had dreams of me getting married someday to a girl of her choice, a typical Sri Lankan Hindu girl, on whom she could depend. Being of Sri Lankan descent, there was also the added pressure on me to maintain the family s name and prestige. However, I believe that providence led me to meeting Celine in the same university where I studied. I fell in love with her instantly. Initially, I was in a dilemma due to our religious differences. Yet I wanted to marry her, knowing that it could hurt my mother s feelings and disappoint not only the rest of my family, 2

3 but also the clan. It was not just a question of religion but also the question of family reputation. My decision left my mother feeling totally devastated and she suffered depression because her only support seemed to fail her. Somehow, I felt confident that someday my mother would come to the realization that my decision to marry Celine was not going to rob my mother of the care and love I always had for her. Since my family was very precious to me, I did try to break up with Celine several times, but my feelings for her were too strong. Finally, we got married, much to the displeasure of my mother and the rest of my family members who could not believe that an obedient son like me was capable of making such a bold and drastic decision to marry a Christian girl. Thus Celine was a threat to my family who felt that they were going to lose a cherished family member. I gave in to all of Celine s demands because I truly loved her and with the hope that someday there will be reconciliation with my family. It seemed so simple then, but the situation got worse after marriage. I still continued to believe that we, as a couple, would eventually overcome all challenges. Yet, it never happened because both my mother and Celine could not forgive each other for the hurts they underwent. While we experienced strained relationships as mother and son, I also began to lose my hopes for reconciliation, since my wife did not give me the kind of support that I had expected. In the midst of all this, we went through the trauma of Celine suffering two miscarriages. After five years of marriage, I freely chose to be baptized because I believe in Jesus Christ. I was then ostracized by my family who could not understand the reason for my conversion, and they hated my wife all the more. However, some Church members were a great source of consolation to me during these times of trials and tribulations, by lending me a listening ear when I needed it most. Here, I would also like to admit that the team members of the Rites of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA) failed me in some areas of my expectations. The RCIA sessions focussed more on teaching Christianity and therefore, they did not guide me much on solving the inter-religious problems I was facing with my wife. With the arrival of our children, more problems arose, because my wife was very protective of them. She worried about the possible influence of Hinduism on our children. Now, after sixteen years of marriage, there is some degree of reconciliation with my family through much patience, tolerance and continued communication. There is still hope that someday my family will respect my decision and accept us as we are. Inter-religious differences have taken a toll on us as a couple but God has certainly been with us in our struggles and seen us through. 3

4 ASIAN MISSION CONGRESS 2006 by Celine Fernandez I come from a very conservative Christian family that equates the strict observance of the Church s regulations with being an authentic Christian. As such, it was totally unacceptable to my family that I should have fallen in love with someone who belonged to a different faith tradition. Therefore, when I was deciding to marry my husband who was then a Hindu, I was legalistic in putting forward my demands that consisted of my family s expectations and the Church s requirements. This was in terms of my understanding of Church and Christian faith. I actually asked him whether he would convert, and he readily agreed because he truly loved me. My husband comes from a traditional Hindu family, and so, his decision to marry a Christian woman caused his family much anxiety. Since I was a staunch Christian, I was regarded as a great threat to his family. Therefore, they strongly objected to our relationship. As we prepared to get married, my husband had to sign a declaration that our children would be brought up in the Catholic faith. Hence, my husband had to juggle between meeting my demands, and also fulfilling the hopes and dreams of his family. Although we had our marriage ritual in the Catholic Church, we also went through a Hindu wedding ceremony as requested by my husband s family. However, there was only sadness and hurt in our hearts on our wedding day because my in-laws did not give their full blessings. As a result, while everyone present viewed our wedding with delight, we quietly wished that the ceremony would end as soon as possible. After five years of our marriage, my spouse became a Catholic of his own free will. The sessions for the Rites of Christian Initiation of Adults, helped us to a certain extent. Both of us were also fortunate to have the moral support of some senior members in the Church. Consequently, we started staying close to the Christian community for help and support. Our struggles continued right through our fifteen years of marriage. My own feelings of pain and fear prevented me from getting closer to my in-laws. Although as a Christian I do try to practice simplicity, harmony, religious tolerance and peaceful co-existence with 4

5 those around me, I find it difficult to live that out with my in-laws. I am afraid that such peaceful coexistence might result in the compromise of my Christian beliefs. As for our children, I have been shielding them from any possible influence of faith traditions other than Christianity. I do not want to confuse our children who are still very young, and have Christian grandparents on one side and Hindu, on the other. As a result, my relationship with my in-laws is at stake. How can I teach our children religious tolerance and inculturation, when I have yet to form a strong foundation in their faith? Inculturation to me means compromising. I fear that inculturation will dilute our Christian faith. As for my own faith life, even though I have encountered many problems in upholding my beliefs, it is precisely through these difficult moments, that I have experienced Jesus Christ in a very personal and unique way. I feel that our church, the Basic Ecclesial Community, does not provide enough faith formation programmes or sessions for adults, as well as for children, to help us face the present-day challenges. However I am glad to say that we belong to a movement called Couples for Christ, which helps every member of the family, and especially the children to socialize with Christian children and to grow in their faith. In summary, my marriage to a person of a different faith tradition has put me through many challenges. Problems escalated further with the birth of our children, since I had to cope with pleasing my in-laws while trying to bring up our children in the Christian faith. Although my husband has been a convert for the past ten years and has given me a lot of support, I still find it hard to be totally at peace with my inlaws. 5

6 REFLECTION by Margaret Pereira RGS The family, as the basic cell of community, is also a pivotal symbol in practical theology. The condition of families determines the condition of society. The Dogmatic Constitution of the Church, Lumen Gentium, calls the family, a domestic Church [LG, 11]. While the mission of the Church is at the service of the mission of God, the family as the primary agent of proclamation and witness, occupies the central place in the task of mission. Basic Ecclesial Communities (BECs) have emerged as a new way of BEING Church in mission. These BECs as small communities support each other in their faith development towards the proclamation and in witnessing to the values of the Reign of God. Therefore, BECs develop as an extension of the domestic Church by virtue of their faith that establishes communion with God and communion with others. Families as a community of disciples within a renewed Church, endeavour to share Jesus vision and communion with all who are searching for the Good News. Thus, the contemporary Church as the community of disciples is called to a transformed relationship with God and neighbours. The Church that is structured by love makes God s love present as its sacrament. As such, the personal, family and community experience of God s love and reconciliation through Jesus, has to be the origin of mission. In present times, mission is seen in a more integral way that establishes God s Reign, and the Church as the sacrament of the Reign of God. Perspectives need to change and personal conversion has to begin as all are called to collaborate in the mission of establishing the Reign of God. Life witness would be a path of mission. Families in BECs who are challenged to witness to the experience of God in Christ and in living out Gospel values, need to keep in view family concerns that arise not only from the different cultural, ethnic or religious backgrounds, but also consumerism and post-modernity, even as they involve themselves in the struggle for justice, peace and development, liberation, and in works of mercy. While the Holy Spirit is the real agent of God s mission, families in BECs who strive to respond to the Gospel message of reconciliation, are also called to engage in the task of bringing peace and understanding as Church that is the little flock in Asia. Interfaith marriages are on the rise. Hence, BECs while focussing on aspects such as faith-deepening and building relationships in community, also need to facilitate the process of experiencing love, harmony and peace among family members of other faith traditions. Connections with the extended family and respect towards elders are among some of the strong cultural values in Asia. Generally, Asians of various faith traditions are religious in their observances and are very open-minded too. Therefore, our faith as disciples of Jesus is not compromised when we allow that faith to transform our life profoundly according to Gospel values and thus enrich the lives of others. Scope is needed for creating a climate of mutual respect in interfaith families where people can live with love and not fear, trust and not suspicion, 6

7 acceptance and not rejection. Hence, harmony will acknowledge the individuality of the other person(s) with whom one lives in concord. The specific vocation of the laity is to share the Good News by living the Gospel in the family, workplaces, and society where opportunity offers itself. Their effective presence and action as salt, light, or leaven, are more especially called for in situations where consumerism, modernization and globalization have reared their heads within the family and community. Fragmentation of family life occurs with the gradual erosion of either couple-relationship or with the damage of parent-child relationship, which consequently affects the emotional and formative development of the child. Moreover, as lay persons-in-ministry through BECs cope with family commitments and the daily struggles of working for a living, opportunities for formal faith formation that includes a better understanding of the various faith traditions, and practical skills in ministry, also needs to be in place. While an effective way of evangelization in family is an authentic witness of Christian living, there is room for awareness and discernment in situations where commitment to Christ and loyalty to Church laws and traditions are in tension. As such, the mission and pastoral approach today, calls for an integrated spirituality. A fostering of new relationships is needed, so that humanizing values can be given prominence in the life of individuals as family, and as faith-community. Parish-based ministries and services need to be de-centralized in order to discover the tensions within family life. Thus parish-based ministries can be expanded to include family concerns and also to network and facilitate the building of support-groups with family-oriented outreach and support-services that are community-based. 7