The Prodigal Son (Finally) Comes Home

Transcription

1 The Prodigal Son (Finally) Comes Home October 27, 2007 was my 47 th birthday. You d think that these 7 s would have made it a lucky day in reality it was just another day in here. But the 28 th? The 28 th was indeed a very lucky night for me. A night of rebirth, renewal, and blessing beyond measure you see that night I, the prodigal son, came home to the Catholic Church. Outwardly in many respects it was just another day here in prison for me. Day number 4,575 give or take a day or two. But inwardly boy, there was a lot happening. I woke up about 5:30 a.m. knowing that in about 15 hours I would become a member of the Body of Christ, a member of the Universal Church a Catholic. Since I wasn t able to find a book titled The Complete Dummies Guide to Preparing for Baptism & Confirmation, I wasn t totally sure what I should do to prepare for tonight. Mainly, I just did what seemed right wish of course, that I had either found that book or had come across a burning bush in my path to tell me what to do! So I fasted. I read scriptures. I read some of the writings of my Patron Saint St. John of the Cross. I prayed. I showered four times: no, I wasn t getting particularly dirty that day. I was just so nervous that I couldn t think of anything else to do. Why was I so nervous? No, it wasn t that I questioned what I was doing that night. I wasn t worried that I was making some sort of eternal soul-damming mistake. I guess that part of it was that I didn t want to let down any of those who believed in me. I wondered: could I really live up to my potential as a Catholic? This Church is filled with thousands of saints official, unofficial, and quite-possible ones still alive and kickin on this planet. ME me, I m a twice-convicted felon. Me, in the same community with them? Could I really muster even 1/10 th the sacrifice, devotion, obedience to God that all those before me and currently outside these fences do? Can I truly stand up to any trial that my faith requires? Could I fervently defend the faith as I should? Could I even manage to pick up and carry my own cross as Christ tells me to in the scriptures? 6:00 p.m. The cell block went to dinner about 20 minutes ago. Roast beef and mashed potatoes one of my favorites! I know I know that while fasting I really shouldn t be thinking so much about the meal that I m missing. But for tonight, since it s my first sincere attempt of fasting it s okay. At least I m tryin I am truly learning from the experience Dad knows that I m tryin my best and as a Catholic (in just 2 ½ more hours!) I ll get better at it over time. So, instead of eating one of my favorite meals (sorry ) I head to the Chapel Prayer room to pray alone for an hour before things start. There will be an hour of singing and fellowship Mass will start about 8:15 p.m. By 8:30 or so the rites and Baptism and confirmation should begin for me! I pray every prayer for every single intention I can think of I pray to just about every Saint I can remember the name of. It s amazing how my mind goes blank at a time of prayer there s so many St. Teresa s how do I know that I m connecting with the right one? Some of the prayers are on prayer cards I ve accumulated over the past year. (I ve become a prayer card addict!) Some prayers are off-the-cuff, spontaneous ones. Hopefully the Saints are especially patient with my ramblings tonight! I pray as I have for weeks now, that my Patron Saint be somehow allowed to attend tonight. (I ve been told that Saints are sometimes allowed to return to earth, in spirit, for special reasons.) I pray and enlist Mary s and St. Jude s help in the cause just in case God needs more petitions than just mine in order to grant this deep desire of my heart for tonight. (I know I m still learning to understand that God doesn t think like I do.) I pray for each of the Catholic volunteers who come in here on Sundays and my Catholic brothers who live here in this place with me. I ask special blessings for each of them that helped me to learn and grow in the Catholic faith. First, as a seeker of knowledge about the Catholic faith then as an almost-catholic trainee. Tonight the training wheels will finally come off for good. But I know that without all their help, I d still be trying to figure out how to maintain my balance while turning corners

2 I pray especially for my best friend, little brother, and sponsor, Bryan. I pray about lots of different things for him. Like me, he needs lots of prayers I especially pray that he doesn t burn me with the light of Christ candle or doesn t set the altar on fire. (Honestly, I had a nightmare last night about something like that happening!) I pray for myself and I find that I m the person it s hardest for me to pray for dunno why that is. I pray for wisdom, for guidance, for the ability to be the type of Catholic that I have the potential to be. I pray to get better at fasting yes, I m still think about the roast beef! 6:50 p.m. For me, this was a very long 50 minutes of prayer! I head into the sanctuary. Mark, one of my favorite Catholic volunteers (he s kind of a combination of Father Flanigan of Boy s Town, and a starving stand-up comic), gathers about six of us together to pray a special prayer he brought. We make the sign of the cross in unison (boy, did I used to get all mixed up doing that!) and recite the prayer out loud together. I don t remember all of the words, but it had something to do with letting peace and holiness fill the sanctuary and kicking all evil out for the night. I remember wondering if this is something they usually do each Sunday before things start at 7:00 p.m. or if this is something special Mark brought in for me tonight. Is this supposed to mean that perhaps satan was gonna try to interrupt my reception into the Church or that in lieu of performing a full-scale exorcism on me, this was the best that Mark could come up with? But I kept those thoughts to myself (at least until now). In all honesty, I truly know that I ve been a pretty big sinner all of my life. Though admittedly, I never gave it that much thought. God knows literally that free-will hasn t been something I ve exercised all that wisely. A few weeks ago Father O Sullivan was counseling and educating me privately about the sacrament of Penance. At the time, the thought of having to confess some of my future sins (knowing the type I usually commit) quite frankly embarrassed and worried me. But of course I didn t tell Father that... but again, God knew literally. Then as I thought about it later that evening, I realized something. God sees and knows everything no great personal revelation there, huh? But because this is true, God was literally there every time I have sinned. So anything I ve done, thought about doing, or will do He already knows about it. So, it s really not like I can surprise, shock or pull something over on God. All Dad really wants is for me to be honest and tell Him what I ve done. Not so that He can punish me, or ground me like my earthly Father, but so that He can forgive me and so that I can repair the damage my sins do to our relationship of course, despite this personal epiphany, going to confession isn t something I m especially looking forward to. Not as bad as going to the dentist, but not as much fun as listening to one of Father O Sullivan s stories either! 7:05 p.m. The sanctuary is filling up with people now, I m getting a different sort of nervous feeling. I start running through the rites in my head. When to say I do ; when to say Amen ; when to kneel wait a minute there s no kneeling involved! Why did that pop into my head? I ve read the rites so many times during the past two weeks. I just knew I should have brought the book with me. Where s Byran? Maybe he s home watchin T.V. or maybe he fell asleep whew, there he is! I just knew he wouldn t forget. Father s due her in about 40 minutes what if he s late what if he s forgotten we re doing this tonight what if I m drivin myself nuts! I see some of my non-catholic friends coming in. I wanted them to be here to share in this special night with me. Unbeknownst to them I have been praying during the week that not only would they attend, but that the Holy Spirit would use this opportunity to speak to their hearts. To me, at a time like this, denominational differences shouldn t matter minor spats over doctrine? Irrelevant! What s important a son that was lost has been found and is comin home to Dad! The music and singing starts. Such beautiful music thanks to the wonderful young ladies of St. Mark s choir. Thanks to Dick, another one of the volunteers, they re doing some of my favorite songs: At the Cross, Gentle Woman (I used to jokingly refer to it as Gentile Woman sorry mom!) and my favorite song they do, Abba-Father. I m enjoyin the singin I quit counting the minutes until Mass I quit worryin about whether or not Father will get here on time. I m surrounded by some of my closest friends some Catholic some not. But it s all good; we re all singing to praise the same Dad! - 2 -

3 Every once in a while I peek around to see who s here. I may be a bit paranoid, but it seems like some of my Catholic brothers are watchin me extra close making sure that I m not going to make a run for the door not a chance of that! But I wonder has anyone ever fainted during their baptism? Will Father be able to catch me? Will Bryan help or just watch? Forget all that I just wanna sing! 7:45 p.m. Father is here! I have a quick huddle with Father and Bryan up by the altar. A last reminder of what we re going to do and when and there isn t any talk of kneeling! My stomach starts to grumble thinkin about the roast beef again and my palms are sweaty. I remind Bryan to be careful with the Light of Christ he grins. I have to ask him what that means Bryan s as excited about this as I am. He s been eagerly awaiting the day his friend and big brother comes home! I leave to get a drink of water. Some of my closest Catholic brothers give me the look to see if I m tryin to escape. I smile and mentally reassure them me skip out? Not a chance. I return. My Catholic brother, Joe, strikes a match under the altar so he can light the candles. First, he almost lights the white cloth over the altar on fire then the match goes out before Joe gets the candles lit I guess that my nightmare was about the wrong person. Joe wanders off to get another match from a guard. I look over at Bryan to see if he noticed Bryan grins (again) with my little brother beside me, how can anything happen tonight that the two of us can t handle together I grin back. Then I remember! Bryan will still be comin at me in a about half hour with the Light of Christ I whisper to him, again reminding him to be careful Bryan gives me a brotherly pat on the shoulder and grins. I just know everything will be okay. 8:00 p.m. Mass begins Father s starting 10 minutes early but I ain t gonna interrupt him and none of the volunteers has the courage to interrupt him! I take a deep breath I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. Mass starts out in the normal consistent, comforting, and familiar order that it always does. Something that I ve learned over the past year to take great comfort in. I remember too that this exact same Mass has been celebrated in Catholic churches all over the world today. Even by the Pope I kinda wish that he was here for this. There is, however, one big difference between this Mass and all those other masses. During this one the prodigal son will be returning home at last! Sin-free and blessed. All the muck and mire of my past sins forgiven and forgotten washed away though it might take a fire hose to wash away 47 years of my misdeeds! I feel Bryan nudging me, I must have gotten lost in my thoughts it s time to go up by the altar and become Catholic. Ready or not, Jesus, here I come! As the baptism rite begins, all the nervousness quickly fades away. I feel an inner warmth and peace quickly filling me up inside. I m focused on Father as he blesses the water that will shortly be used to baptize me. I can sense Bryan still there beside me I look over quickly, just to be sure (he d better not have wondered off!) Bryan grins it s all good. As Father speaks, it seems like I can not only hear his voice, but I hear bits and pieces of Spanish sounding words and sentences whispered in my ear. But Bryan doesn t know Spanish Father knows Latin and Gaelic it s not that and Sister Elena is nowhere near me and her voice doesn t have that much bass and I know that it ain t me! Later on I realize that maybe St. John of the Cross really was here tonight the more I think about it, the more convinced that I am I know that others are gonna think I m nuts but Mary and St. Jude came through for me God granted my special wish for tonight! As the rite continues, I say I do at the right times Father has to prompt me for a couple Amens just like I thought, no kneeling involved! My palms are anointed. I can still sense Bryan beside me so far so good. As my baptism continued I began to sense others around me coming and going I wonder, did my other prayers get answered? I have a few Catholic friends outside of this place who I asked to join with me in spirit and in prayer at this time is it them? I also kind of boldly prayed a blanket invitation to all the saints in heaven when I was in the prayer room a few hours ago. Could it be that some of them are stopping by briefly to be witnesses to the prodigal son returning home? I just try to enjoy the feelings I try not to question it or analyze it. For a split second I think about looking toward the altar to see if there s any angels hovering over it, but I know that if I look and they re there, I d faint so I chicken out and don t look! - 3 -

4 Time to lean over the font so that Father can baptize me here we go! Father begins to pour the water across my forehead it s freezing cold Joe! Joe has threatened to put ice in the water he did the next best thing he must have gotten the water out of the ice cold drinking fountain a little while ago. I hadn t been warned that baptism would literally take my breath away. But ultimately, I don t care not to say that I won t get even with old Joe someday. The white cloth across my shoulder. Bryan lights the Light of Christ candle from the altar he carefully hands it to me. He s smilin and I m sure there s a very tiny tear in his eye though I won t ask later, cause my tough little brother would never in a million years admit it. My worry was unfounded Bryan didn t set the altar on fire and he didn t brand me with the candle. The Light of Christ seems to brighten the sanctuary. The room feels bigger and smells sweeter I still don t have the courage to look towards the Altar to see if there s any Angels in the hood. The Confirmation Rite begins. I can feel Bryan s hand over my shoulder. As Father s talking, I can feel Bryan s hand shaking and it feels like something else that I can t describe is happening. Is this what it feels like to be filled with the Holy Spirit? (Afterwards, Bryan told me that his hand wasn t shaking that much huh?) It feels like there s electricity in the air it kind of feels like it does when I ve been out in a lightening storm. (As a child, I was kind of encouraged to play outside no matter what the weather.) But unlike those times, I feel no fear. I feel at peace I feel deep comfort I feel light-headed with joy I don t feel even the least bit of craving for roast beef! I still occasionally hear bits and pieces of Spanish words and sentences I hope that St. John of the Cross is helping Father what a cool concelebrated event I wonder which one of them will sign my baptismal/confirmation certificate? I still feel others coming and going around me afterwards I really begin to wonder who they all were. Were they Saints? Family in heaven? My Catholic friends popping by? I guess I ll just have to ask when I get to heaven. I can feel a zap as Father anoints my forehead kind of felt like it does when someone zaps you with static electricity. I sneak a quick peek down to see if my feet are still touching the ground rats! I m still earth-bound but it s all good! Way too soon it s all over and everyone s applauding. I give Father a hug and a whispered thank you I feel a power and strength there that I just somehow knew isn t his I wouldn t be surprised if it was directly from God through Father. I turn to hug Bryan. He s not much for hugs but tonight, quite frankly, Bryan doesn t have a choice. As I m hugging Bryan, I hear whispered in my ear welcome home, Juan de la Cruz (my baptismal name John of the Cross) now, what was it I missed for dinner tonight? Mass continues Bryan tries to slip into the second pew, leaving me in the front row to wait for my First Holy Communion all by myself. I quickly give him the universal big brother gesture to get back here! We started this journey together about a year ago when Bryan patiently tried to start teaching me the Rosary. When I finally managed to get it memorized he was the only one who noticed that I wasn t using my cheat sheets. There s no way that I wanted to finish this without my little brother by my side where he truly belongs besides, someone s gonna have to catch me if I start to see Angels hovering over the altar. Before I know it, Father is changing the host and the wine into the body and blood of Christ. It s almost time watching Father doing the transubstantiation somehow felt different inside me. I guess there really is a difference between being at Mass as a new-catholic and participating as a full Catholic. Father motions to me to come up to the Altar for my First Holy Communion. I look over at Bryan and he gives me that universal little brother signal to go for it dude! I look out into the sanctuary and see my friend and my brothers; Catholics and non-catholics alike they re all here to witness my final steps home. My Catholic brothers are grinnin somehow I don t think they re even thinking about me running for the door! I receive the body and blood of Christ as a true Catholic for the first time. Thanks to horror stories about people spilling the blood or dropping the body, I am a little nervous but no problems! It really isn t anything at all like I expected. Then again, it seems like every single blessing God has given me over the past year has always surpassed the imagination of my limited human mind! It didn t taste like a cracker or like wine. It didn t taste like blood or like I imagined flesh would. Again, I had heard stories of these substances being tested after transubstantiation and being biologically found to be human flesh and human blood so again, I wasn t sure what to truly expect. I can t really - 4 -

5 describe it other than to say that it tasted exactly like it was supposed to. All I knew for sure is that it was indeed the body and blood of my Lord and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I had also kind of expected that there would be a little zap of something immediately afterwards. There wasn t. It was more like a gradual, yet distinct feeling of warmth, peace and a shared love between me and Jesus that filled my whole inner being again, beyond my ability to describe. I must admit too that I was just a tiny bit disappointed to not hear that whispered Spanish voice in my ear. But that was okay whoever it was that had been here tonight to help guide me home and to guide me to my place in the body of Christ and in the Catholic Church in short, he was here exactly for the time he was supposed to be! Afterwards, I slipped back into the second pew to kneel and to prayer to thank my God, my Lord, and my Savior for all the wonderful gifts He gave me this night. I especially thanked Jesus for willingly suffering as much as he did just so that I would have a future with Him for giving up His life for a yet to be born me. As St. Mark s choir began singing One Bread, One Body (another one of my favorites) I couldn t hold my own tears back any longer there truly were angels in the sanctuary up by the Altar just not hovering! I sensed Bryan kneeling in the pew in front of me to pray. I gave into my first temptation as a Catholic I leaned over the pew one last time to hug my little brother again. I thanked him for all that he did to help bring me home tonight even in the midst of his own prayers Bryan grins again. I didn t know it at the time, but less than 36 hours later Bryan was unexpectantly transferred to another prison. But God knew and I guess that s one of the special blessings I received that night -- God allowing Bryan to stay here just long enough to finish the journey we started together. Bryan was the one who sat with me at my first Mass and taught me what to do and when it seems only right that our last Mass together was to bring me home to Dad. Remember at the beginning of this when I told you about my nervousness: my worries about letting people down, worrying about living up to my potential as a Catholic, withstanding trials, carrying my own cross all these things? Well, they re not totally gone. God, Jesus, Mary, St. John of the Cross, and all the saints in Heaven are doing what they can to help me. They re at my side and watchin my back and through prayer, I have no doubt that Bryan s continuing to do what he can to help too. So overtime, I m pretty sure that I ll get better at all of this. At this time, I m not totally sure why I ve written all of this down. My original intention was to just write a couple of pages nothing anywhere near this long! I ve wondered perhaps too whether this experience was supposed to be a private and sacred thing I dunno, don t ask me in case you haven t heard, I just recently became Catholic. All I truly know is that I wrote this because that small quiet voice in my heart and in my soul told me too which means that God is ultimately behind this. For too many years, I ve ignored that voice now it s time for me to at least try to listen! May your life always be like Lifesaver Candy (Holy) Juan de la Cruz - 5 -