ACCEPTANCE. by Sherin Menachery. I can t believe summer s over, Scott sighed, Junior year s gonna be hell.

Transcription

1 ACCEPTANCE by Sherin Menachery What re you watching, Izzy? Scott asked, flopping down next to me on the couch. Some Lifetime movie. The babysitter s about to abduct the kid. The movie wasn t entertaining but there was nothing else to do on the Friday before school. I can t believe summer s over, Scott sighed, Junior year s gonna be hell. At least games start soon. I m excited for the season, I replied. You nervous about starting high school? I shrugged, Nah. I ve made some new friends from soccer tryouts and summer practice. Looks like you ve got it figured out. Then again, you re at an advantage having the captain of the soccer team and two-time Homecoming prince as your brother, he teased. As if. Those things were rigged, I scoffed, laughing as his mouth dropped open. My brother and I had the same humor which was one of the reasons I enjoyed hanging out with him. We didn t fight like most brothers and sisters but I guess that was because we were so alike. We just understood each other. So Mr. Popular, you coming to my game on Friday? Definitely, he said, Wouldn t miss it. But you have to come to my game on Saturday against last year s state champions. Deal. He didn t respond for a few minutes and when I looked at him, his expression was tense. 1

2 What s up? He glanced over at me slowly as if he was figuring out what to say. Izzy, I ve been meaning to tell you something for a while now. The thing is, I, Just then, the front door unlocked and we heard heels clicking against the floor. When Mom saw us in the family room watching TV, she started laughing. joked. In a few days, you guys won t be able to sit around all day. You know that right? she Yeah but I m so bored I actually want to go to school, I replied. I can t believe my babies are both in high school, she exclaimed. Soon you ll leave me all alone, she said, trying to sound lighthearted though I detected a faint sadness in her voice. Ever since dad passed away eight years ago, Mom has been extra attached to us. Though it s normal for parents to talk about their kids growing up, the moment was more sentimental for our family. Don t worry, Scott said, getting up and hugging Mom. We re still here. I joined them and Mom hugged us tightly. When we all broke apart, Scott immediately switched back to his lighthearted self. Can you make me a snack? he asked Mom with a big smile. That s one thing I won t miss doing when you go to college, she said good-naturedly as she walked to the kitchen. Hey Mom since you re already there, could you make me a snack too? Thanks, I said before she could respond. 2

3 Scott grinned at me. Mom pretended to be angry though she was biting back a smile. You two are always ganging up on me, she joked. While she was busy preparing snacks, I turned to Scott. What did you want to tell me? He shook his head. Later. *** By a month into the school year, I had made friends, our team had won all the games so far, and Coach said I had potential. Scott was killing it and plenty of scouts were interested. With school, soccer practice, and homework, I hadn t found much time to clean my room the past few weeks which made Mom frustrated on top of the stress from her job as a financial analyst. She wouldn t let me go to a sleepover at my friend s house tomorrow if my room was messy so I was spending my whole Thursday evening cleaning. As I rearranged the closet, Scott entered and closed the door, which he usually did when he needed my help in sneaking home from a party and didn t want Mom to overhear. But the minute I saw his face, I could tell this was different. Scott, are you ok? I asked. His face was pale and he couldn t look me in the eye. I need to tell you something, he responded shakily. I walked up to him and placed my hands on his shoulders. You can tell me anything, I said as reassuringly as I could. He gave me a sad smile as we both sat down on the bed. began. You and Mom are family and your opinions mean more to me than anyone else s, he 3

4 I nodded, though I had no idea where he was going with this. Random thoughts flew through my brain. Would he stop playing soccer? Maybe I m gay. Um, what? My brother who dated five girls in the past two years was gay? Yeah right. I couldn t tell if he was joking. Whenever Scott pranked me, he was always good at keeping a straight face. Say something, he pleaded. The desperation in his voice made me think for a second that maybe he was serious. But he couldn t be. I knew gay people and Scott just wasn t one of them. I felt ashamed of myself for thinking that but it was true. You re joking, right? I asked. The hurt expression on his face made me even more confused. Why would I joke about this? Either he was being completely honest or was really committed to this prank. I don t believe you, I said, crossing my arms. You ve been dating girls since middle school. Did you get bored and think dudes would be more fun? I teased. Cut it out, he snapped. Geez, he wasn t kidding. My brother rarely got angry with me so I could tell I d crossed a line. For a few moments, I was speechless, trying to process it all. I, uh don t understand. Why would you want to be gay? Izzy, it doesn t work like that. I just like guys, he replied. Since when? He shrugged. Since always I guess. But it took me a while to come to terms with it. 4

5 So what about all your ex s? Ellie? Was that just a lie? Ellie was my favorite of Scott s previous girlfriends. She was cool and liked hanging out with me. The two of them were so good together that it actually took me a while to get over their break-up. He shook his head. I thought dating girls would make me more attracted to them but I ve learned you can t make yourself straight. They were all great, especially Ellie, but being with them helped me realize what I was going through wasn t just a phase that would pass. How did I not know this? We never kept secrets from each other. I thought I knew my brother better than anyone, but the fact that he was hiding this whole side to him made me feel like I didn t know him at all. What are you thinking Izzy? he asked. I don t know Scott. This doesn t seem like you. Being gay is just part of who I am. I m still me, he said anxiously. I wanted to be one of those people who could handle big news like this, and I probably would ve if this were a friend or some random kid from school. But Scott was my brother and somehow that changed my reaction. Unlike Mom, I didn t have anything against gay people. Yet, a part of me was unaccepting of his coming-out. It s like when you thought you knew someone and then suddenly you learned something about them that made you reconsider every single interaction you had with them. That was how this felt. Memories of us growing up whizzed through my mind and my only thought was: he was gay all that time? It s a lot to take in, I said pathetically. I hated seeing his disappointment but it was the best I could do. 5

6 He slowly rubbed his face. Well, that s better than what Mom s probably going to say, he said, laughing uneasily. Scott, you can t tell Mom, I warned him. She won t react well. I can t go on like this, he said. So you re going to tell people at school? Yeah, why shouldn t they know? he replied tiredly. Aren t you afraid they ll make fun of you? I can handle it. That s the thing Scott, you think you can handle it now but you ll just isolate yourself by going down this road. Finding another gay guy to be with is a lot harder than finding another girl. Girls practically line up in front of you I said trailing off. Izzy, I appreciate your input but I ve already decided to go forward with this, he said, ending the conversation. Dinner time, Mom called from downstairs. This is it, I told myself and followed Scott, dreading the storm about to take place. *** The thing about Mom was that she worked hard to provide for our family and spend time with us. She barely took time off from work after dad passed so she could save up and get us into a better school district. And still, she always tried to attend our soccer games and help us with homework. Mom wanted the best for us and worked tirelessly to ensure that we had plenty of resources. But she always expected something from us in return. Usually we could please her 6

7 with simply maintaining good grades but sometimes her expectations were higher and there was no way to get around them, especially when it dealt with something she felt was socially unacceptable. She hated standing out from the crowd. A few years ago we were invited to a wedding for the daughter of a couple who was friends with Mom. Their daughter was marrying another woman. Though Mom was against homosexuality, we still went because she wanted to support the girl s parents who were going through a difficult time, having to put on a brave façade while their daughter s defiance slapped them in the face. Mom believed gays and lesbians were rebellious people trying to get attention. I could only imagine how she would react to finding out her own son was gay. We sat at the dinner table, chatting as usual. Mom had made my favorite lasagna but I couldn t enjoy it today. Mom, how was work? Scott asked. Pretty hectic. Fluctuations in the stock market make everything unpredictable, Mom replied. How was school? Great, Scott said. I aced my Calculus test. That s wonderful Scott, Mom said appreciatively. What about you Izzy? Oh, yeah school was good, I said awkwardly. I had been focusing so intently on Mom and Scott that I hadn t expected her to address me. Mom gave me a funny look. That doesn t sound very enthusiastic, she said. I ve got a lot on my mind, I replied. I know that feeling, she said. No Mom, you don t. But you re about to. 7

8 So, Scott spoke up, I have something to tell you and it s important. Mom nodded. Go on, I m listening. Well you know how I haven t dated any girls since Ellie? he began. Yeah, what happened between you two? Mom interrupted. I liked her, and she was the only one who complimented my eggplant casserole. Though Mom was a good cook, that casserole was so awful that Scott and I actually had the guts to tell her. Then Ellie asked for the recipe and Mom never ceased to remind us. She was wonderful, Scott agreed, But things didn t work out If you miss her, just give her a call, Mom interjected. I m sure she would be happy to get back together. What? No, that s not what I was trying to, Scott stammered. Why don t you invite her for dinner? Mom asked. I can make the eggplant casserole and we could all eat outside I don t like her like that, Scott said abruptly. Mom looked surprised. I m sorry. I didn t realize you weren t on good terms with her. Did things end badly? No, we re fine. It s just I don t like girls. Oh don t be so dramatic, Mom said nonchalantly. You re not a kid anymore. If it didn t work out with her, well, there s plenty of other girls. Scott looked over at me and I nodded, telling him to keep going. He had said enough that it would be pointless to back out, especially when he would have to tell the truth sometime. 8

9 Mom, I don t think you re getting what I m trying to say. I don t like girls because, well because I like boys, he said. Mom dropped her fork and the clang of the metal hitting the plate echoed in the room. She stared wordlessly back at Scott. He cleared his throat. I m gay. What? Mom asked incredulously. Where is this coming from? He paused, as if he thought he could evade Mom s anger by somehow making the situation sound better. I ve always been gay it just took me a while to accept it myself. I can t continue ignoring this part of me and I wanted you to know the truth. Mom s expression remained blank. I think you re losing your focus Scott. When you don t have a clear goal, it s easy to get distracted and think ridiculous thoughts like this, she responded. I am focused Mom, Scott pleaded. I m not trying to be gay, I just am. What would our family think of you being gay? she scolded. It would look bad, not just on you but on us all. I never want to see you kissing another boy, understand? Otherwise you can get the hell out. I couldn t imagine Mom ever kicking Scott out of the house, but her ignoring him forever would be just as bad. Scott looked like he had been punched in the gut. He stood there open-mouthed but nothing came out. What did you expect? I do so much for you and Izzy. Laundry, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I bought a nice house in a good school district, I buy you all the clothes you want. It s a 9

10 lot to manage and there s no one to help me but I never complain because I want to give you both everything. And this is how you repay me? she asked, voice choked. I m sorry for hurting you Mom, Scott said, his voice breaking, But I can t change who I am. I just want you to love the real me. Mom shook her head. I can t listen anymore. I m already stressed from work. Your father would never forgive you for this, she said in a hoarse voice before heading upstairs. Scott s face went blank. Bringing up dad touched a raw nerve. Especially because this was the first time Mom had ever commented on something that dad would not have tolerated. Dad had been gone for so long that I forgot he was a person with opinions and limits, like Mom. Scott stood, and despite everything, cleared the table before he left. I sat there, staring at my food. It didn t taste like anything anymore and would only remind me of what had happened tonight. Family meant everything to me and it was always the one thing that held together during tough times. But now that tie was broken and we were all random pieces scattered here and there. *** A week had passed since Scott came out. Everyone at school accepted him like it was no big deal. His teammates still treated him like a brother and other girls seemed to like him more even though they knew they could never have him. Of course there were probably people who didn t accept him but they, whoever they were, remained silent. While it seemed he was having a great life, Mom had been giving him the silent treatment ever since that conversation and I could tell it was killing him inside. Our relationship had suffered too because neither of us knew what to say. I didn t blame him; how do you just forget that your only sister couldn t accept you? I 10

11 wanted to move forward but I couldn t come to terms with him being gay. I know it s his business but it felt like it affected my life too. I kept thinking back to when he dated Ellie. I never knew the cause of their break-up but I missed her for a while. When they were together, it felt like I had a sister, or at least someone I could talk to about things that would be too weird to share with Mom or Scott. Like cute boys at school or whether I should get a second piercing. But if Scott started dating some guy, I probably wouldn t have a close relationship with him and if anything, I would be the awkward thirdwheel. And eventually, I would just be out of the picture. That was part of it, but the other part had to do with the fact that I couldn t visualize Scott with other guys. He was like the male lead in a Nicholas Sparks story, the kind of guy who ended up with some beautiful girl. Not with another guy. These thoughts prevented me from making amends with him so we went our separate ways. I wanted to talk to someone but Mom and Scott were out of the question and how could I tell my friends how I truly felt? They wouldn t see it the way I did. I thought about our childhood and looked at albums from when we were younger. It made me wonder when he first realized he was gay. Did he ever like girls? He was with Ellie for more than a year and they seemed perfect together. She even came to my eighth grade celebration and afterwards, we went out for frozen yogurt. Middle school s out forever, Scott had said as we walked home, eating along the way. I sighed. I ll miss it. Hey! Sound excited. You ll be with us, he said. It ll be awesome! Ellie exclaimed, putting an arm around me. 11

12 I smiled at that. Unlike with some of Scott s previous short-lived relationships, I never felt weird being with both of them. Unexpectedly, Ellie took a spoonful of yogurt and aimed it at Scott s face. You ll pay for that, he threatened mischievously and chased her, both of them laughing. When she finally surrendered, they stood for a minute looking at each other with great big grins. That was how I remembered them; two people meant for each other. But two weeks later, they broke up and I never saw it coming. *** A week-and-a-half later, Coach scheduled a mock game in preparation for the county championship. Though it was late October, the weather was unexpectedly humid so Coach let us take a break before regrouping. While we stood drinking Gatorade and splashing water on our faces, the varsity boys team was finishing up practice. Several girls turned to watch the boys and I couldn t help but do the same. I didn t want anything bad to happen but something inside of me kept anticipating someone making fun of my brother. Although everyone had been kind to him, I still kept waiting for some kind of explosion. Okay guys, Scott said, Coach wants us to run two miles for cool-down. The rest of the guys groaned. That s what we ve been doing for the past hour. Sorry, I don t make the rules. Scott shrugged. But you re captain, one guy said. Can t you just say we did and let it slide? Scott crossed his arms. The team we re playing this Saturday is really good. If we wanna beat them, we ve gotta put in extra work. 12

13 You sure it s not because you want to impress those guys? teased Eddie, one of Scott s friends. For a second, I thought maybe Scott would get mad at Eddie for blatantly addressing his sexuality in front of the team. Scott smirked and pushed him. Nah man. I ve seen those guys and they re not my type. Am I your type? Eddie joked. replied. We ve been friends since sixth grade. That would be like dating my brother, Scott True man, bros for life, Eddie said fist-bumping Scott. Listen, I know we re all tired but let s finish this run quickly, Scott called out, leading the way. Grumbling, the rest of the team followed him. That whole brother comment confused me. How could Scott think of Eddie as a brother but still feel attracted to other guys? After watching until the boys were out of sight, my teammate Hannah turned to me. It s too bad your brother s gay. I guess I ll never stand a chance with him, she said. I raised an eyebrow. Not that I ever did. I would never try to date Scott even if he wasn t gay, I mean that would make our friendship awkward, she trailed off. Does he have a boyfriend? asked another girl. Uh, I-I don t know, I confessed. Truthfully, the question surprised me because I hadn t thought that Scott had maybe secretly been dating someone. As crazy as it sounded, I assumed he would have waited for acceptance from me and Mom before pursuing any relationship. It would be so cute if he was voted Homecoming Prince along with another guy, exclaimed a fellow teammate. More girls chimed in, none of them noticing my discomfort. We 13

14 still had ten minutes left of break so I headed into school where it was much cooler and quieter. After drinking from the fountain, I had just passed the art room when someone called my name. Hey, Izzy. I turned around. Ellie stood there holding a few paintbrushes. She looked tan from summer, but everything else about her- the curly dark hair, hipster glasses, ripped jeans splattered with paint- was the same. It hadn t even crossed my mind that she would be in the art room after school. The last time I saw her was before she and Scott broke up in the beginning of summer. H-Hi. She smiled warmly. Sorry, it s been a while. I was busy teaching at an art camp over summer so I didn t have much time to stop by. How are you? Well, I m not talking to my brother, my mom s not talking to either of us, and I just feel kind of lost, but other than that I m fine. You re playing soccer here, right? she asked. I nodded. Just like Scott, she said smiling. How is he? Honestly your guess is as good as mine. Uh, he s doing well, I responded. It s great what he did, she said suddenly. You know, telling people the truth. He s lucky to have support from you and your mom to feel comfortable about coming out. She thought we supported him? But then again, Ellie always believed in the goodness of others. It was so like her to think we had encouraged Scott. I didn t want her to think badly of me so I just nodded. I don t have any classes with him and I know he s busy with soccer but could you let him know that I still miss hanging out with him? she asked. 14

15 Sure, I replied timidly, hoping that maybe a small part of her also missed me. As if she could read my thoughts, she said, I ve missed you too Izzy. Maybe you, Scott, and your mom could come over for dinner sometime? I nodded, That would be cool. I ve gotta finish this painting but I ll see you soon, she said and turned to head back into the art room. Ellie, wait, I called out suddenly. There was something I needed to know. Yeah? Why did you guys break up? She looked at me in confusion, probably surprised that I was asking such a personal question. It s just you guys were so good together. He always seemed happier around you. She tilted her head for a moment, thinking. I loved Scott. I still do. But what we had was more of a close friendship. We joked all the time and could talk for hours about anything, like best friends. I suppose he wasn t attracted to me romantically. But isn t a relationship supposed to be about loving someone for who they are on the inside? If you guys already had that, then why, can t he be with you? I wanted to say. Well, she said thoughtfully Would you ever date one of your teammates? I mean, they could probably understand you better than any boy but if the spark isn t there, how can the relationship go forward? When I thought about what she said, it began to make sense. My teammates and I had grown close this season and we always stayed up late gossiping at team sleepovers. Sometimes it 15

16 seemed like they knew me so well that it was hard to believe I had only met most of them two months ago. But I could never date them because I just don t like girls that way. Kind of like how Scott doesn t like girls either. I guess I never thought about it- like that. Thanks, I said awkwardly. Though she probably didn t know it, Ellie had helped me realize one thing- the only thing that really mattered. I knew it would take time for me to fully come to terms with Scott being gay. But I would eventually get over it. Because if Scott found true happiness with another guy, who was I to deny him of that? No problem, take care of him Izzy. *** A few days after I bumped into Ellie, we were having dinner as a family though nobody spoke. Having spent the past few days thinking about how I could let Scott know that I supported him, I figured tonight would be a chance to bring the family together again because I knew how much he missed Mom. Hey Mom, did you know Scott scored the winning goal in yesterday s game? I asked. Scott gave me a questioning look but I ignored it. Mom didn t even look up. Oh, good, she said. I didn t let myself get discouraged though; this was how it always was with Mom. Whenever she was mad, she always gave us the silent treatment and we had to persist before she came around. Guess what? I said excitedly, I aced my math test today. I thought maybe she would be more willing to talk if we started off with something about me. 16

17 Good for you, she said without enthusiasm. I started to get frustrated. Why the hell was she mad at me too? How was your day at work? I tried, yet again. long day. She put down her fork. Can you stop talking? I d like silence for once. I ve had a very What s the point of eating dinner together as a family if we don t even talk to each other? I demanded. You don t need to talk all the time. You don t build relationships by not talking, I countered. Mom, are you mad at us? No, she said irritably. Then stop acting like it, I said raising my voice. I m tired of this. We put on a show of being a close-knit family but look at us now. Izzy Scott warned. No, I need to say this. Mom, why are you still angry? You do a lot for us but Scott does too. He has a 4.0 and a good chance at getting a full scholarship to play soccer at a Division I school. He really cares about you, I said, And he s my best friend. When he looked at me, I gave him a weak smile and wiped away the tears that had started to form. So, why can t you give him this one thing? The chance to be himself. I can t- not now, she said distantly. I was raised in a much different time. She turned to acknowledge Scott for the first time in days. You re my son and I love you. But I don t know if our relationship will ever be the same. I m sorry, she said and left the room. 17

18 Feeling foolish for thinking I could fix things and angry at how it had went, I sank into my chair and rested my head against the table. Why d you do that? asked Scott. Because I hate myself for not supporting you the first time. I wanted to make it up to you and thought I could fix things with Mom, but I was wrong, I replied bitterly. Thanks for trying, he said. What about things between you and me? His expression softened slightly. Listen Izzy, you re my best friend too and it hurt that you couldn t be there for me when I needed you. You and Mom are the most important people in my life and it would ve been nice if you were on my side. I know it s a little late but I am on your side now, I promise. Can you ever forgive me? I asked. I just want things between us to go back to the way they were. He sighed. We ll get there eventually. I knew it would take time before we could truly move on, but we would get there eventually and that was more than I deserved. Scott was an amazing brother and I would never hurt him again. It had been wrong of me to ask him to change when I was the one who needed to become more accepting. Before he could leave, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms tightly around him, resting my head on his shoulder. After a moment, I felt him hug me back. So what made you change your mind? he asked. I want you to be happy, I said, You deserve to be happy. He nodded. Same to you sis. 18

19 But if we ever end up liking the same guy, I won t take it easy on you, I warned. He laughed. Fair enough. What about Mom? How can we get her back to normal? We ll wait. Let her take her time. What if she never changes? Then it s just you and me against the world, right? he asked. Always. 19