10/9/2014. Reflective Listening-MARRCH. Miller and Rollnick say. Favorite Teacher

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1 Reflective Listening-MARRCH October 28, 2014 Amy Krentzman, MSW, PhD Miller and Rollnick say reflective listening is a wonderfully useful skill a cornerstone for clientcentered counseling. It is also a useful skill not only in professional work, but also in one s personal life and relationships, and yet relatively few people master it. It is fundamental to good communication. Once you learn reflective listening, you have an invaluable gift to give those with whom you come into contact. (Miller & Rollnick, 2013, p ) Favorite Teacher Think about your favorite teacher from grade school, middles school, or high school. Write his/her name on the page. What was it about him/her that made him/her your favorite? Write it down, you have one minute. 1

2 How can we be more like our teachers? Is there a way? There is a way. Carl Rogers Founder, client-centered approach to counseling His ideas were radical. Carl Rogers: Client-Centered Approach To produce beneficial change in another To be of maximum helpfulness to another All three conditions must be met: Unconditional positive regard Empathy Genuineness 2

3 Empathy An active interest in and effort to understand the other s internal perspective, to see the world through her or his eyes (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). To sense the client s inner world of private personal meanings as if it were your own (Rogers, 1989, pp ) Unconditional Positive Regard A warm acceptance Unconditional. No feelings of I like you only if you are thus and so. Prizing the person. Caring for the client as a separate person, with permission to have his own feelings, his own experiences. Unconditional Positive Regard: Doesn t Have to be Perfect [Complete] unconditional positive regard would never exist except in theory. The most accurate statement is that the effective therapist experiences unconditional positive regard for the client during many moments of his contact with him. Unconditional positive regard exists as a matter of degree in any relationship. (Rogers, 1957) 3

4 Genuineness Authentic true to him/her self Congruent Integrated Opposite of presenting a façade (Rogers, 1957) Genuineness: Does not have to be perfect It is not necessary (nor it is possible) that the therapist be a paragon who exhibits this degree of integration, or wholeness, in every aspect of his life. It is sufficient that he is accurately himself in this hour of the relationship, that in this basic sense he is what he actually is, in this moment of time. His experience may be I am afraid of this client or My attention is so focused on my own problems that I can scarcely listen to him. If the therapist is not denying these feelings to awareness, but is able freely to be them (as well as being his other feelings), then the condition we have stated is met. How do we get there? 4

5 by way of Reflective Listening this technique is by no means an essential condition of therapy. To the extent, however, that it provides a channel by which the therapist communicates a sensitive empathy and an unconditional positive regard, then it may serve as a technical channel by which the essential conditions of therapy are fulfilled (Rogers, 1959). We are going to learn reflective listening We are going to start right now. First exercise. 5

6 Don t Listen Pair up in teams of two. Choose who will be the speaker and who the listener Speaker will speak on the topic of what I am most passionate about in life. Listener will not listen. Switch. Listen Without Words Pair up in teams of two. Choose who will be the speaker and who the listener Speaker will speak on the topic of what I am most passionate about in life Listener will listen intently, with undivided attention, but without saying a word Listener will communicate non-verbally that they are listening Switch. What is Reflective Listening? 6

7 Video Demonstration of Reflective Listening I Went To Turkey Reflective Listening Is Genuineness, unconditional positive regard, empathy Reflecting back Selflessness Listening Remembering Let them know you are listening Interrupting to say something about them not something about you Interrupting to make sure you are understanding the person exactly right Reflective Listening is It makes a guess about what the person means Forming of a reasonable guess as to what the original meaning was, and gives voice to this guess in the form of a statement Responding to the speaker with a statement that is not a roadblock, but rather is one s guess about what the person means. There is no penalty for guessing wrong (Miller & Rollnick, 2013) 7

8 What Reflective Listening Is Not Ordering, directing, or commanding Warning, cautioning, or threatening Giving advice, making suggestions, or providing solutions Persuading with logic, arguing, or lecturing Telling people what they should do; moralizing Disagreeing, judging, criticizing, or blaming Agreeing, approving, or praising Shaming, ridiculing, or labeling Interpreting or analyzing Reassuring, sympathizing, or consoling Questioning or probing Withdrawing, distracting, humoring, or changing the subject From Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon Reflective listening is not Asking questions Giving directions Giving advice Telling how you identify Fixing Changing the person Making them happy Telling them what to do Making a referral Points of Misunderstanding Words the Speaker 2 Words the Listener Says Hears 1 3 What the Speaker Means 4 What the Listener Thinks the Speaker means From Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon 8

9 Exercise: Is This What You Mean? 1. Form into groups of Take turns in rotation, saying one of their sentences to their two partners. 3. First speaker says, One thing I like about myself is that 4. The other two serve as listeners and respond by asking questions in this manner: Do you mean that you? 5. The speaker responds to each question with just Yes or No. 6. Generate at least 5 different Do you mean that you statements for each statement that is offered 7. When questioning for one statement seems to have reached an end, rotate on to the next person, who becomes the speaker while the other two generate questions. Topics What is was like growing up in my home Ways in which I have changed as a person over the years The good things and not so good things about my high school years What I hope and plan to do over the next ten years Describe one of your parents, or someone else close to you How I came to do the kind of work I am doing or how I came to study what I m studying. Practice: Social Worker 23 9

10 What is an Affirmation? Affirmations comment on something that is good about the person Affirmations involve noticing, recognizing, and acknowledging the positive. You really tried hard this week! Your intention was good even though it didn t turn out as you would like Thanks for coming in today, and even arriving early! So you made three calls about possible jobs this week. Good for you! Miller and Rollnick, 2013 Practice: Ballroom Dancing Lessons What is was like growing up in my home Ways in which I have changed as a person over the years The good things and not so good things about my high school years What I hope and plan to do over the next ten years Describe one of your parents, or someone else close to you How I came to do the kind of work I am doing Reflective Listening Self Efficacy low high 10

11 Thank you and best wishes! 11

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