1 The Combined Probus Club of Murray District (Inc.) Western Australia Murray Magpie July/August 2014 President: Ann Bevis Vice-President: Adri Weggen Past President: Brian Sydney-Smith Secretary: Shirley Boyd Treasurer: Roger Lloyd Membership Gaye Lloyd & Welfare: Jenny Armstrong Programs: Lance Woodhead Activities: Margaret Gallin Interclub Liaisons & Publicity: Christine Norman Assets: Adri Weggen Historian: Tom Hoffman Behind the Scenes VIPs Newsletter Editor: Sandy Bartle Refreshments: Janice Rinaldi Club address: Website: Printing courtesy of the office of Murray Cowper MLA
2 The July General Meeting was held at the Ravenswood Hotel on Tuesday 8 th July May There were 42 members present The August General Meeting was held at the Ravenswood Hotel on Tuesday 12 th August There were 53 members present Minutes of both these meetings and copies of the financial reports for the two month have been circulated to all members. Please remember the club now has an address which will be used by the Secretary from now on. # # HAPPY BIRTHDAY To the following members who celebrated their birthdays July Rene Davidson Geoff MacDonald Mary Rowell Roberta Thorn Joan Timperley Ardi Weggen Gerry Westbrook Margaret Westbrook August Lil Adam Sandy Bartle Jan Bishop Graham Bishop Roger Boyd Jeannette MacDonald Jan Murray Lance Woodhead
3 Presidential Ponderings July/August 2014 Well, here we are into August and over half the year has gone already. I am sure our Editor could tell to the day how long till Christmas, but for me, I really don t want to know! It comes round soon enough but I do look forward to Christmas in July when the weather is more conducive to eating festive fare! Some of our members have left on their annual pilgrimage north to escape Perth s dreadful winters, as I have heard them described. Having grown up in South East Queensland where heavy morning frost was a regular occurrence and also living 8 ½ years in Mt Barker, Perth s winters are very pleasant on the whole. We do need winter to replenish the water supply and provide a break from the endless sunny days of summer. A little contrast is a wondrous thing. I am bereft of inspiration this month so have decided to take refuge in a few quotes from my desk calendar, maybe a few things for us all to ponder on. Whoever gossips to you will gossip of you. (Spanish proverb) I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. (GK Chesterton) Do not speak of a rhinoceros if there is no tree nearby. (Zulu Proverb) You can never do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon will be too late. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years. (Anonymous) Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn t. (Erica Jong) So on that note I leave you for this month. Cheers Ann # VALE; Doug Timperley An inspirational man with a huge zest for life and helping others. In the short time we knew him, he made a great impact on our club. He will be sadly missed.
4 Health Heritage By Neil Fitch Dr Charles Lovegrove Dr Lovegrove was Pinjarra's doctor and magistrate for 21 years from 1891 to He was already 47 years old when he arrived in town. Although undoubtedly competent, he had a reputation for being difficult. His acceptance by the local citizens would have been enhanced by the marriage of his daughter Annie to Ernest McLarty in In 1911 Dr Lovegrove sold his large home to the Government for use as a hospital. He retired and moved to Mundaring and died in His grave is in St. John's churchyard, Pinjarra. Quiz: 1. Why did Dr John Snow in 1854 remove the handle from the Broad Street pump in London? 2. Who was 'Typhoid Mary'? 3. What is pasteurization? Answers: 1. To assist in controlling a cholera epidemic. Dr Snow established that cholera was a waterborne disease. 2. Mary Mallon was an Irish born New York cook, who was a typhoid carrier. She was responsible for two outbreaks of typhoid fever in the early 20 th century. She was confined on a quarantine island for the last 23 years of her life. Nowadays, she would merely have had her gall bladder removed. 3. The heating of milk, wine and beer to about 55 degrees centigrade to destroy microorganisms that cause fermentation and souring. Louis Pasteur ( ) was a French chemist and microbiologist. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent
5 Several days ago, as I left a meeting, I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car." This is what they call, " the Golden Years!" The sender of this joke shall remain anonymous YOUR 2014 PROBUS DIARY 19th August Past Presidents Lunch Swan River Yacht Club, Riverside Drive, East Fremantle 11th September PAWA 30th Birthday, The Convention Centre Mandurah October 14 th South West Get Together - Dardanup 12th November Have a Go Day Burswood are invited for a fantastic trip to B esocially SPEAKING Just for us l August 21 st September 11 th September 17 th October 14 th October November 4 th December Coffee Club at Redcliffe Barn 10.30a.m. PAWA 30th celebrations HMAS Stirling South West Get Together - Dardanup Games Day date to be advised Melbourne Cup at Snabel home Christmas lunch - date and venue to be advised
6 Editorial Once again I have had to combine two months into one magazine, my sincere apologies for this. Hopefully we will be back on track for the rest of the year. Do not forget that we will need a new magazine editor next year, it is not hard to do (if your brain has not gone on strike like mine did for the past few months!). Everyone sends in heaps of jokes and items that can be included. It is a matter of screening out the most risqué, the racist and the political so that this magazine can appeal to all. On that note, I have so many jokes that I am just going to use the next couple of pages to make you laugh, (I hope) Sandy WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT How many days in the week? 6 Saturdays and 1 Sunday When is a retiree s bedtime? Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day Why don t retirees mind being called seniors/ It comes with a 10% discount What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? NUTS!!! What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal Why are retirees so slow to clean out the attic or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. What do retirees do all week? Monday to Friday, Nothing. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. What is the best way to describe retirement? The never ending coffee break. What is the biggest gripe of all retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done! These days about half the stuff in my shopping trolley says For fast relief
7 After an alleged visit to the Pleasure Parlour a certain disgraced Federal Politician notices green lumps on his willy. So off he goes to the doctor. That is serious says the doctor. You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears? Yes says the politician nodding seriously. Well says the doctor, You ve got brothel sprouts. As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife s voice urgently warning him, Herman I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the Mitchell Freeway. Please be careful. Heck, says Herman, it s not just one car there are hundreds of them! Apple Does It Again Apple announced that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The itit will cost for $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This a considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. Morning Sex She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly You ve got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought, I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day. Not wasting time, I fulfilled her request right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said Thanks and returned to the stove. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked What was that all about? She explained, The egg timer is broken. # It is scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee machine. THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never like anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do like, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
8 KITCHEN KAPERS Some winter warmers CELERY & POTATO CHOWDER 2 ½ cups chopped celery 2 chicken stock cubes in 1 ½ cups of water 2 white onions, finely chopped ½ cup grated carrot 1 medium to large potato, diced 1 x 600ml carton of milk 1 cup diced ham or cooked bacon 1 tbspn chopped parsley Salt and pepper to taste Place celery and chicken stock in saucepan and bring to the boil. Simmer 20 minutes until celery is very tender. Puree in blender or press through a sieve. Return to saucepan, add onion, carrot and potato. Cover and simmer for 15 minutes. Mix in remaining ingredients and re-heat until just boiling. Serves 4 Try serving these with the above soup PARMESAN DUMPLINGS 50g butter ½ cup parmesan cheese 2 cups (300gm) sr flour ¾ cup milk Rub the butter into the flour. Stir in parmesan and milk. Bring together and roll into about 20 balls. Place on top of the soup and bring to the boil for about 10 minutes. (If using for the above soup, put in the pot before mixing in the remaining ingredients) OLD FASHIONED NUT LOAF 2 cups sultanas 1 cup peanuts 1 cup sugar 1 tspn carb soda 1 tblspn butter Place all in bowl and pour over 1 cup boiling water. Mix well. Add 2 cups flour, ½ tspn salt, 1 beaten egg. Mix until blended. Bake in moderate oven for minutes. To make this a bit more upmarket, use macadamia nuts instead of peanuts. A slurp of brandy poured over the hot loaf after it comes out of the oven really raises the bar. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
9 The man mowed the lawn, and after doing so sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. His wife walked by and asked what he was doing and he said 'nothing'. The reason he said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point he would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally he thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, he came up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for his conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think it would nice to have another kick in the nuts." Time for another beer and to ponder What deep thinkers men are. One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally retirees' behavior that was going on... So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time. When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time. When the angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...' God was not pleased. So He decided to the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
10 Subject: Law vs Psychology A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking: I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded in a very loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?... THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people". Three Men were Hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof!!!... God gave him big arms and strong legs... And he was able to Swim across in about 2 hours, Having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, The second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.' Poof!!! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs... And he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once, Seeing what Happened to the first two men, The third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.' Poof!!! HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!! She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge. Guys, if at first you don't succeed, Do it the way Your wife told you!