Death pays little attention to red-letter days or the calendar. Death has a way of sabotaging client families AND funeral personnel.

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1 25 April 2016 When Death Sabotages a Holiday Harold Ivan Smith, DMin, FT haroldivansmith@gmail.com 9 June 2016 International Conference on Death, Dying & Bereavement Saint Luke s Hospital Kansas City, Missouri Speaks Suburban Funeral Chapel, Independence Missouri "I'm not sure whether it's because of the fact that it's meant to be a happy time and to have something tragic happen seems to take its toll on the family. Even though the death is still sad for any time of year, Christmas just seems to have a double whammy on it." Chris Wallers. Tobin Brothers & White Lady Chapel, Australia Realities Death pays little attention to red-letter days or the calendar. Death has a way of sabotaging client families AND funeral personnel. Deaths due to violence, homicide, suicide and/or the death of a child/adolescent are particularly invasive during holidays. Clinicians must balance professional life and personal life during holidays! Loss and holidays a dual loss: loss of the loved one(s) + loss of beloved traditions. We ll never celebrate Christmas again!!! So many years past childhood, joy inched into me. It nudged aside my sorrow and illuminated everything I had ever loved about Christmas: a night set aside for decorating the tree, bowls of eggnog, the smell of pine throughout the house. My father loved Christmas. He would want us to love it again too. Patti Reagan Davis (2004)

2 II IDENTIFYING the string of family holidays from Thanksgiving to Valentine s Day a. The growing palette of holidays: Thanksgiving Chanukah 6-13 December Christmas Kawanza 26 December January 1 New Year s Eve New Year s Day Super Bowl 2 February Valentine s Day 14 February We often have Dec 24 services but absolutely forbid funerals on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years which has also become somewhat of a sacred holiday. Tommy McAfee, Thomas McAfee Funeral Homes, Greenville SC Acknowledging & honoring the diversity of America We have become the most religiously diverse nation on earth. Diane Eck, Harvard Bodhi Day 8 December Pancha Ganapati December Honor Lord Ganesha b The commercialization of holidays People say that Christmas is too commercialized. But I have never found it that way. If you spend money to give people joy, you are not being commercial. It is only when you feel obliged to do something about Christmas that the spirit is spoiled. Monogramed holidays Gauntlet of programs, office parties, open houses, faith communities.

3 Chri$tmas is significant economic stimulus Sales increase dramatically in almost all retail areas. Black Friday can be a de facto holiday US retail industry generated 3+ trillion during the holidays in December = 19.2 percent of the retail total sales in a year. 768,000 temp employees hired C D The hyperexcitement of the holidays Personnel policies define holidays III RECOGNIZING how holidays complicate traditional memorialization rituals and normal operations. I certainly think it's a sacrifice for staff to work these days, and like me, they deal with it from a perspective of serving families who have the extra burden of dealing with death during a holiday. Tommy McAfee, Thomas McAfee Funeral Homes, Greenville, SC a Pause & inconvenience. Wild card: Christmas Magician & Christmas Magnet Wild card: Transportation issues Wild card: Weather Wild card: Finances Wild card: Flu Wild card: Snowbirds b C Key question: How do holiday buzz and commercialization influence memorialization venue? Troubling Question: Where will you for Christmas? What would it be like? How would I feel? How would I hold up the weight of my mother's grief? For 10 years I have been a daughter losing her father. Now I am a daughter watching with keen, helpless eyes the sorrow of her remaining parent. The holidays widen the boundaries of my father's absence; I hear it in my mother's voice-resigning herself to getting

4 through the days ahead. She isn't sure she wants to put up a tree. Her shoulders tense a bit at the suggestion. Patti Reagan Davis IV EXPLORING the impact of holiday(s) on clinicians a How do traumatic or out of the ordinary deaths at holidays emotionally impact clinicians? Our funeral directors are most definitely impacted by the holidays. We have to have coverage 365/24. We do our best to split the duties evenly, owners included. Nothing worse than missing a family gathering because of work. Dave Perotto Bartlolomeo & Perotto, Rochester New York B Professional practice often translates into personal boundary navigation or inconvenience. V STRATEGIZING resources to support grievers during holidays. A B C D E F Define holiday grief as an opportunity not an intrusion! Capitalize on teaching moments during holidays Honor above-and-beyond service Decorate office space? Do an Expecting the Holidays brochure or letter Offer holiday grief programs for families and/or community Make welcomed welcome Calling the name Walk to the tree to hang ornament The Coolidge Factor: Expect last minutes/non-registered Honor the participants courage Include children

5 Permission grief during holidays Something-in-the hand: Cookies and punch Move tree to where it can be viewed from outside Max staff involvement Permission Holiday Grief permissions: I may not send 100 Christmas cards this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to send one. I may not decorate my home like previous years but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to have one poinsettia! I may not sing my favorite Christmas songs and carols this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to hum or tap my fingers. I may not bake holiday treats this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to savor one cookie! I may not wrap five dozen gifts this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to wrap one. I may not put up a Christmas tree this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to look at Christmas trees. I may not sing I ll Be Home for Christmas this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION not to turn off the radio as soon as soon as I hear it. I may not follow old traditions and habits this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to innovate. I may not celebrate the holidays this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to watch the parade of memories from holidays past. I may not eat divinity and fudge and peanut brittle this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to slowly savor one piece of pumpkin pie... smeared with cool whip!

6 I may not wrap my loved one a gift this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to donate one in her/his name to a needy person or organization. I may not receive a present from my loved one this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to remember previous gifts from my loved one. I may not feel like saying Ho. Ho. HOOOO! this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to express gratitude for acts of kindness, large and small.. I may not feel like being the life of the party this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to enjoy the holiday exuberance of others. I may not give great gifts this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to say, Thank you, I love you, and I am so proud of you! I may not want my picture made with Santa this year but I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to be a secret Santa to someone. Conclusion I haven't put a Christmas tree in my own home since that irrevocable diagnosis changed our lives. Festive decorations would have ushered in too many memories. For several years my mother didn't decorate... either, but in the last few years she started again. Along with the large tree in the living room, one of the nurses, who has become a dear friend, would bring a small fake tree into my father's room. Colored Christmas lights blinked, and we all believed he knew the holidays had come. Patti Reagan Davis (2004) Smith, H.I. (2011). A Decembered grief: Gift edition. Kansas City, MO: Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.