BETWEEN TWO WIVES HUSSAIN ALI LOOTAH

Transcription

1 BETWEEN TWO WIVES A N O V E L HUSSAIN ALI LOOTAH T R A N S L A T E D F R O M T H E A R A B I C B Y R A N A S A Ï F I

2 Prologue 1986 RIO DE JANEIRO, COPACABANA BEACH AT A TABLE on the beachfront terrace of a restaurant, a group of friends sat down to have supper. A taxi came to a stop. A number of young ladies stepped out of it and entered the restaurant. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. Drops of rain began to fall. The drops soon became a downpour. They had to rush into the crowded restaurant. No tables were free except for one in the middle. They all chose to sit down at it. At that very moment, it did not occur to Yusuf that he was about to encounter his own destiny.

3 x HUSSAIN ALI LOOTAH There I was, leading a daily double life, different in most things and all aspects. I was no longer a dweller, for moving continuously became a commitment. My possessions were dispersed, my senses and feelings scattered. That day, I split myself in two before life did. I am not writing a story. I am telling the story of my life. QUICKSAND AS HE SLEPT DEEPLY in my arms, a rush of thoughts raced through my mind recollecting all that had scattered along roads travelled in the past. My entire life stretched out before me in replay. It seemed like a literary classic that I thought I must introduce to my newborn child and his siblings. I needed to tell them my story, not for the sake of tale-telling or lecturing, but out of pure love, concern and worry, so that history repeats not itself. It was an intense, sweeping impulse. It happened so quickly that I did not see it coming. I felt as though I were sinking, tossed mercilessly back and forth by the waves. I grew miserable most of the time and wary of bad luck or so I thought it was. I would emerge from the depths of despair only to sink back again. Although my distress was unyielding and brooded over my life, it passed unnoticed by most people around me; only a close few sensed a trace. I was not the same in public. I made sure to look optimistic and secure despite the radical change in my circumstances.

4 xii HUSSAIN ALI LOOTAH BETWEEN TWO WIVES xiii I made sure my children always saw me as they knew me, and not as despondent as I was. Perhaps they were too young to realize much of what was going on around them. We all dream big and work hard to make our dreams come true. Some people set themselves goals, draw plans to achieve them and succeed. Some end up failing and give up; and some others just keep trying. But at the end of the day, there is destiny. The very same destiny that shaped my life: A life that was written for me, that I did not seek nor wish for. A life that I did not expect to be a player in. A life so controversial that it had supporters and opponents, judged either legitimate or unlawful. A life seen from different perspectives, through different eyes, based on different beliefs and ways of thinking. Depending on the beholder, it became synonymous with desire, power and strength, or weakness and vulnerability. A life that took the shape of a large question mark in the eyes of friends and relatives, some of whom tried finding answers to it, while others found it indecipherable. A life that remains a big mystery to many who never had it. Even though they might have heard about it, they would never be able to comprehend its unnatural facet. A life that resembled a battleground, leaving many injured, with bodies still alive yet spirits dead in part. A life in which enemies live side by side willingly or not under the command of one leader. A life that I have been coping with for nearly three decades and finally had the courage to testify to, revealing secrets that were kept hidden within its walls for so long. I apologize. I apologize to those who fell victim to my life: myself first.

5 You Owe a Duty to Yourself WHILE DRIVING, Yusuf suddenly noticed the digits on the odometer mileage. It had one hundred thousand kilometres. The sight of zeros intrigued him as though his car were turning a new page for him. I have no idea who is racing whom, and who needs to turn pages. One hundred thousand kilometres in less than three years! How did I get you here? he thought to himself. Well, how could you consume me with such intensity and speed in such a short time? The red light flashes. A temporary stop before moving again. This is it then. This is life. It stops only to prepare us to move forward again. It is Yusuf has been feeling a pain in the chest for a while. The symptoms would get worse at times, then ease up, but never go away.

6 2 HUSSAIN ALI LOOTAH He meets a friend in a mall, a cardiovascular consultant. He invites him for a cup of coffee. So what do you think of my condition? I think it is still at an early stage. Anyway, the tests will tell. But you have to change your lifestyle: work less and take more time off to break the monotony of your daily life. Do not burden yourself with weight you cannot bear. Let out pent-up feelings that are smudging your days. A deer chased by a lion runs fast for its life; it takes leaps it does not normally take, even the features of its face change. Try as much as you can to take such leaps. Do not let them get you though. They might be deadly. Use as little positive energy as you can. I did not get you, doctor. A man with positive energy is like a magnet. People like to be around him, they feel the urge to speak with him when distressed. There are people who spread negative vibes whenever you see them; they make you feel depressed and stressed out. I have known you for so long and I can tell that you are of the first type. Again, be energy efficient as your bills are getting very expensive. We all experience stressors of all kinds, my friend. We might not feel them, but they are there, overwhelming many of us with varying intensity. It is not wrong to vent to relatives, loved ones, friends or even specialists. Some were born to listen, and some have had years of education to learn how to listen. Speak up, Yusuf. Speak up the way you want, whenever you want. Our soul is too precious to trouble it with others worries. The Other LIE DOWN PLEASE, and tell me what are you here for? What do you feel? Show me the other face, the face that no one has ever seen. How did you know that I have another face? We all have a face or more, other than the one we like to show to others. Are you trying to make it seem totally natural? No, I am not trying. It is the truth. Please calm down. I am here to listen carefully to what you have to say. Where do I begin? Begin from where you started... from the beginning. The beginning? Yes. No one can begin from the end because it simply hasn t come yet. I am exhausted most of the time. I feel as though I am racing against time, minutes and hours, falling behind in many things I feel as though I am a child who had no childhood; a student who did not finish school; a man who did not choose his life.

7 4 HUSSAIN ALI LOOTAH BETWEEN TWO WIVES 5 I often have the recurring dream of being a student again, panicky and anxious about exams, about the possibility of my mind going blank. Then I wake up terrified, sweating, thanking God that it was only a dream, that I had finished school and have nothing else to be tested in. I never looked up, I used to keep my head down and my eyes fixed on my toes, waiting for my destiny and my future to pull me. I was always afraid to make choices for fear of committing mistakes. I feared consequences, or so I thought. Everybody loved me as I was but I hated myself as I was. I would forgo my desires simply because I thought that what I wanted might trouble others. I used deprivation to punish myself, as I feared punishment. I feel that I lived the lives of others, never mine, like a newborn replaced by another after birth, and was destined to live a stranger s life in every sense of the word. This struggle of a double life literally drained me, a struggle of violence and force. The difference between the two faces is striking and deep, but no one seems to notice. Every day, I feel and experience things that others do not. Those around me are normal people, living their lives the way they like to live it, that is why they have no sense of this other face. They do not even believe that such a thing truly exists. My life flew by very fast. Joy was just a momentary spark while pain has been carving scars along my daily path. You know that I am a practicing Muslim and I try to be to almost all things even the most trivial. But deep down, I would like to be otherwise. I would like to be a Muslim by choice and not by birth. I wish to adhere to and practice what I like, and not what others like. I would like to be myself, to see the face that I want to see whenever I look in the mirror. I would like to see Yusuf dear Yusuf.