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2 Understanding Others Developing Relationships

3 PARTICIPANT'S MANUAL /SKILLS FOR LIVING: Stt.p A Developmental Approach To Life Skills Programming In The Correctional Service Of Canada 5 si '444,L).0.1 MODULE 3 Understanding Others and Developing Relationships document does not belong to the Gee, \ '...:.(e,c1\11,,i es e auer ioc I\ Prone ;.+1,nont.at on metbe *tee foln tended use, 3tly \,..es dr.6\ts deer du pee document rappeennent à ÇÉtat,Ioute deon du contenu du présent pg oee. - e We apptoue Pçéaegent.', Qçee do i LIBRARY THE SOLICITOR MINISTRY OF OF CANADA GENERAL OCT 13 \ 9)3 1 BIBLIOTHÈQ UE DU SOLLICITEUR MINISTÈRE DU CANADA GENERAL OTTAWA, ONTARIO CANADA K1Lrieseme;:. EDUCATION, TRAINING AND EMPLOYMENT CORRECTIONAL SERVICE OF CANADA PACIFIC REGION I. Prepared by: Fraser.Valley College: Terry Anderson Ryane Consulting Inc.: Joan Balme, Joyanne Landers, Sherri Zysk, Helen Ryane, and Joanne Broatch (General Editor)

4 1 MODULE 3: SESSION 1 Inclusion, Control and Affection Needs SOMET1HNG TO THINK 'ABOUT: Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk. EXERCISE 1 1. Fill in your FIRO-B scores. Expressed to others (off ers) A Wants from others (accepts) 2. Do these scores seem to fit for you? 1 a little a lot 3. Do they fit the way you 'act in this group? a little a lot

5 2 4. 'Think of one of your important relaiionships outside. In this relationship, what I want most is: inclusion control affection In this relationship, what I express most is: inclusion control affection 5. Think of one of your important relationships in this environment. In this relationship, what I want most is: inclusion control affection In this relationship, what I express most is: inclusion control affection

6 3 EXERCISE 2 Did your listener: 1. keep eye contact? 2. say "uh-huh" or nod the head? 3. listen without interrupting? 4. encourage you to continue? YES NO BETWEEN-CLASS EXERCISE 1. Tell a staff person about inclusion, control and affection needs. 2. Agree on a movie or T.V. program and a character youql both watch. Note the way he or she asks for inclusion, control and affection. (YOU) Character shows: inclusion (belonging and interacting) Low High inclusion control (power and influence) affection (liking and loving) (STAFF PERSON) Character shows: inclusion (belonging and interacting) Low High inclusion control (power and influence) affection (liking and loving)

7 4 MODULE 3: SESSION 2 Listening SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: If you really listen and understand another person, if you are willing to enter his world and see way life appears to him, without making judgments, you run the risk of being changed yourself. This takes courage. BEFORE THE NF.XT SESSION 1. You and a staff person answer these eight true or false questions. 1. How we speak is more important than what we say. 2. Listening and hearing are the same thing. 3. Your past, and your hopes for the future, don't affect what you communicate right now. 4. We think faster than we speak. 5. We can't not communicate. 6. Good listeners are smarter than bad listeners. 7. Most people block out what they don't want to hear. 8. To really listen, you have to know how the other person feels.

8 5 2. Talk about your answers, remembering to use your listening skills. Then, have the staff person give you feedback on your skills. STAFF FILLS IN: I felt encouraged to talk not at all very much I felt understood.» 1 not at all very much

9 6 SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: MODULE 3: SESSION 3 Feelings Anyone who tells me that my emotions or desires don't exist is in effect telling me that I don't exist. EXERCISE 1 Abraham Maslow Put a 'D' before each sentence that tells what the speaker's emotional state is. Put an 'X' before each sentence that shows the feeling a. Shut up! Not another word out of you! b. Pm really annoyed by what you just said. a. Can't you see Pm busy? Get out! b. Pm beginning to resent these interruptions. c. You have no consideration for anybody else's feelings. You're eompletely selfish. a. I feel discouraged. b. This has been a bad day. a. You're a wonderful person. b. I really like you. a. I feel free to be myself when I am around you. b. We all feel you're a wonderful person. c. Everybody likes you. a. If things don't improve around here, Fil look for a new job. b. Did you ever hear of such a lousy outfit as this is? c. I'm afraid to admit that I need help. a. This is a very poor exercise. b. I feel this is a very poor exercise. c. Pm confused, frustrated and annoyed by this exercise. a. Pm a failure - never amount to anything. b. Pm depressed and discouraged. a. I feel lonely and isolated in my group. b. For all the attention anybody pays me, I might as well not be in my group! c. I feel nobody in my group cares whether I am there or not. from Staff Development Manual Washington State University. -

10 7 EXERCISE 2 1. Finish these sentences: INCLUSION 1. What I usually do when I break into a new group is 2. I feel "in" with a group when 3. Being alone CONTROL 1. When I am with people who have to have their own way I 2. When someone makes me decide, and then goes along with whatever I decide, 3. When a group wants me to take charge, I 4. When another group member tries to take charge I AFFECTION 1. When I am angry I usually 2. When I think someone doesn't like me I 3. When my feelings are hurt I usually 4. When my opinion is different from everyone else's I usually

11 8 BEFORE THE NEXT SESSION You and a staff person discuss these 3 situations and agree on a 'mirroring' response. 1. A person storms into the room, tosses a book on the table and says, "Nothing's working." You reply: 2. A person you see a lot has been chain smoking the past few days, is irritable and jumpy and says to you, "The whâle system stinks." You reply: 3. You are talking to à friend who sounds down. The friend says, "Not much point in talking to anybody. People have got their own problems." You reply:

12 MODULE 3: SESSION 4 Dealing With Power ec Control Needs SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self control, These three alone lead life to sovereign power. Alfred Lord Tennyson. EXERCLSE 1 Fill out Column A of the following questionnaire. Answer every item. 1. If someone were trying to influence me or to get me to do something I didn't want to do, I would respond to: (a) (b) threats, punishment, or 'physical force 'knowing the right people' (c) 'know-how' based on knowledge, judgment and experience (d) (e) inside information position of authority (f) respect & admiration for the person asking (g) a reward or some kind of payment Cover iour answers in Column A. Read each item again, and answer in Column B. This time the question is: 2. If I were trying to influence someone, or get them to do something they didn't want to do, I would use:

13 I am most influenced by 4. I mostly use 5. The three that I least like other people to use with me are 6. The three that I most like other people to use with me are 3. BEFORE THE NEXT SESSION On a T.V. program, a news event, or in your own life, note two power struggles. Talk to a staff person about what you observed. were, what was at stake, and what the consequences were. Note what the power bases Then complete this: Two things we both agree on about power struggle. are: 1. 2.

14 MODULE 3: SESSION 5 Power & Control in Relationships SOMETFIING TO THINK ABOUT: The chief reason that people choose to avoid the issue of power is that of having to face their ovm powerle.ssness. Rollo May EXERCLSE 1 Instructions: Does the need for power control you? Respond to each statement as being: almost always true (2) sometimes true (I) rarely true (0) 1. I can't stand being humiliated. 2. Wiihout power, we're only cogs in a machine. 3. At meetings, I make sure people hear my point of view. 4. "Try to get the last word in" is my motto. 5. I have to show that I wear the pants in the family. 6. I hate it when someone tries to put one over,on me. 7. Sometimes you have to chew people out and humiliate them. 8. When other people do small, jobs and errands for me, I feel good. 9. When I'm asked to do jobs that are beneath me, I feel put down. I 10. I could never take a job if it meant less power and status than I feel I have coming. 11. I hate it when people try to control me. 12. When someone one-ups me, I get depressed or furious.

15 I never let myself be pushed around - by people who shouldn't be able to. 14. If I don't get the kind of work I want, consider myself a failure. 15. I secretly enjoy keeping other people waiting for me. Adapted from Power - Do You Lust For It? from 'Success' (May 1984) BEFORE THE NEXT SESSION You and a staff person Etgree to watch a movie or T.V. character who has high compulsive power needs. 'Talk about how this affects his life. (e.g. work, relationships, self concept) Would you want this person in ydur life? Why? Points we both agree on about are:

16 MODULE 3: SESSION 6 Meeting Inclusion Needs SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: Tell me who your friends are and Pll tell you who you are. Birds of a feather flock together. EXERCISE 1

17 BEFORE THE NEXT SESSION 'Mink of a group you were part of as a child. 1. What I got from this group was 2. The price I had to pay (if any) was Think of a group you are in now. 3. What I get from this group is 4. The price I have to pay is a.. With a staff person, discuss what a person can do whe.n the cost is higher than the reward.

18 MODULE 3: SESSION 7 Affection Needs SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: Man has no choice but to love, for when he does not, he finds his alternatives lie in loneliness, destruction and despair. Leo Buscaglia. EXERCISE 1

19 EXERCWE Draw your Johari Windows BEFORE THE NEXT SESSION Think of some feedback you would like to give one of the staff. Ask if he or she is willing. If you get the go-ahead, give your feedback. I3oth you and the staff member rate you on: STAFF stating your describing the behaviotw listening paraplwasing feelings. _ saying what you want _.._.. YOU

20 MODULE 3: SESSION 8 Assertive l3ehaviour SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: Seldom, or perhaps never... is relationship smooth and without crises. Carl Jung EXERCISE 1 A. Is this assertive behaviour? Mark with an X. Not Someat all what Very 1. asking."why", when you don't understand 2. saying how you feel 3. showing your anger 4. putting people down when they put you down 5. telling someone to stop doing something you don't like 6. criticizing people when they're not there 7. compromising 8. putting yourself down

21 B. One situation I would like to handle better goes like this: The place where it happens is WhEit the other person does is What I do is The result is The result I would like is

22 C. Two important things I learned about assertiveness are: One time soôn, Pm going to be assertive when:

23 EXERCISE 2 1. I feel tense (Never Most of the time) 2. I do things to relax. 1 (Never Regularly & often) 3. Things that make me tense are: 4. I know Pm tense when 5. I can relax more by

24 BETWEEN--CLASS EXERCISE Write your answers and then talk with a staff person about them. 1. I am assertive about % of the time. 2. My assertive voice is 3. Other things I do when Pm assertive are 4. When Pm assertive, people - 5. I am aggressive about % of the time. 6. My aggressive voice is Other things I do when Pm aggressive are 8. When Pm aggressive, people

25 MODULE 3: SESSION 9 Transactional Analysis SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: If a person continues to see only giants, it means he is still looking at the world tlwough the eyes of a child. Anais Nin EXERCLSE 1 a) Three nurturing messages I received from the adults in my life are: b) Three critical messages rreceived are: c) Some that I still repeat to myself are: d) Some that I repeat to others are:

26 EXERCLSE 2 a) One thing I still do that I did for fun as a child is: b) When someone criticizes me, I c) When I was a child, I got what I wanted by EXERCISE 3 a) One time recently when I gathered facts and made a good decision on them was: b) One time recently when I felt angry or depressed, and acted reasonably was:

27 EXERCleE 4 Identify each reaction to the situation as either Parent, Adult or nurturing Parent, or Child. These will be just guesses, since you can't hear the person's tone of voice or see the gestures. 1. A clerk loses an important letter. A. "Why can't you keep track of anything you're responsible for?" B. "Check each person who may have used it in the last two days and try to trace it. Perhaps Mrs. Smith can help you." C. "I can't solve your problems. I didn't take your old letter." 2. A pieçe of equipment breaks down. A. "See if a repairman can come this morning." B. "Wow! This machine is always breaking down. Pd like to throw it on the floor and jump on it." C. "Those operators are so careless. They should know better." 3. Coffee break rumors report a co-worker is about to be transferred. A. "Boy, tell me more. Pd like to get something on George. He gives me a pain in the neck." B. "Let's not spread a story that may not be true. If we have a question, let's ask the boss." C. "We really shouldn't talk about poor old George. He has so many troubles - financial, marital, you name it."

28 The boss has had an important proposal rejected. A. "Poor Mr. Brown, you must feel terrible. P11 fix you up a little cup of tea to cheer you up." B. "You think you feel bad! Just listen to what happened to me!" C. "I'm sorry about the reversal, Mr. Brown. Let me know if there.is anything you want me to do." 5. A buxom secretary appears on the job in a very tight sweater. A. "Wow, look at that!" B. "Tight sweaters shouldn't be allowed in the office." C. "I wonder why she chose to wear that to work." 6. Someone unexpectedly gets a promotion. A. "Well, Mrs. White deserved it. After all, with all those children to feed, she needs that extra money. Poor thing!" B. "Oh, brother! She got that for buttering up the higher-ups." C. "I thought I was more.qualified for the promotion that Mrs. White. But maybe I haven't given her enough credit."

29 BEFORE THE NEXT SESSION Do EITHER 1 or 2 AND do Watch a favourite T.V. program and watch for a character who would fit one of these diagrams. (a) (b) (e) NAME (a) (b) (c) 2. Watch a favourite T.V. program and draw a diagram to fit one of the characters.

30 With a staff person, discuss some interactions between the characters. Diagram one of them..

31 MODULE 3: SESSION 10 Integration SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: In union there is strength. EXERCISE 1 A. Think about your 'club' and mark the most appropriate eolumn: almost always sometimes hardly ever 1. I was included 2. I included others 3. I was influenced 4. I influenced others 5. I was liked 6. I liked others 7. I felt listened to by others 8. I listened to others 9. I co--operated 10. I used my power to help the group 11. I contributed to win/win solutions

32 B. The behaviour I used the most was: assertive aggressive indirect I had the hardest time when others were: assertive aggressive indirect C. When I felt tense during this activity, I D. Two important things I learned are: 1. 2.

33 SELF-ASSESSMENT: MODULE 3 Mark the statement with an X if you know more about it now than you did before the course. Mark another X if you thùik that you also sometimes act differently because of what you know. 1. People have inclusion, control, and affection needs. I know I sometimes more act differently 2. I can use encouraging gestures, clarifying statements and paraphrasing. 3. Dealing with feelings directly can help develop relationships. 4. How I use power has understandable consequences. 5. Any power bases can be used for a win/win or for a lose/lose. 6. Inclusion needs can have positive consequences and negative consequences. s- 7. Saying how you feel as well as how you think builds closeness in relationships. 8. There are ways to practice relaxing. 9. There is a difference between assertive, aggressive, and indirect behaviour. 10. Choosing the ego state to present has an effect on the outcome of an interaction.

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35 A" AvR 1 %Jut ? DATE DUE HO Skills for living : a devel opmental approadh to life.c2 skills prcgramming in the S4p Ccrrectional Service of v.3 Canada : participant's manual.

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