FRIENDSHIP APPLICATION

Transcription

1 FRIENDSHIP APPLICATION DISCLAIMER: Travis James Keyes is an Equal Opportunity Friend committed to excellence through diversity. All friendship offers are made strictly on the basis of qualifications and without regard to race, sex, religion, national or ethnic origin, disability, age, or veteran status. Please PRINT using Mr. Sketch smelly marker BASIC INFORMATION OCS 100 AD Fill out the following basic information. Title: MR MRS MS DR REV CAPT Other: Name: Street Address: APT#: City: State: ZIP Code: Telephone: DOB (MM/DD): / Age Bracket: Under Over 65 Sex: Male Female If Female, would you be interested in adding benefits to our friendship? YES! ABSOLUTELY Not a Chance We'll See What Happens GETTING A BIT MORE PERSONAL 600 A BMP 225 GT The rest of the questions are optional. However, it'll hurt my feelings if you don't answer them, so just pretend that they're required and fill 'em out! What's Your Favorite Color? What's Your Favorite Food? Do you drink? Yes No Only when I'm drunk Do not write in this box. Official use only. Which sports do you watch? (SELECT ALL THAT APPLY) Football Basketball Baseball Soccer Boxing Tennis Golf Hockey What kind of music do you listen to? (SELECT ALL THAT APPLY) Techno House Happy Hardcore Dubstep Trance Drum-N-Bass Jungle Chiptune Do you believe in aliens from outer space? That's ridiculous We are not alone I'm a former UFO abductee THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE If you were polishing a golden lamp and a magic genie popped out, what would your three wishes be? Who is your favorite superhero? Superman Batman Spiderman Ronald Regan Other: Have you ever been sexually attracted to a cartoon character? Yes No None of Your Business! Page 1 of 6

2 ARTISTIC ABILITY ART 320 T 749 H Here's a chance for you to express your creative side! Draw a picture in the designated area below (imagination outside of the box will not be tolerated!) PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION 6SF 313 P PSYCH How crazy are you? Let's find out! This is the inkblot test. Take a minute to examine the image below and describe what you see. If you don't see anything, look harder there's tons of twisted shit in there! Page 2 of 6

3 Do not write below this line. Official use only. IQ TEST INTEL 439 HL37 2 Please help me determine who my real friends are by solving the following puzzles to the best of your ability. 1. Two of my three friends always lie, and the other one always tells the truth. Here are their claims: FRIEND Phoebe Monica Rachel CLAIM I am not your best friend I am your best friend Monica is not your best friend Who is my best friend? Phoebe Monica Rachel 2. It's my birthday and someone stole my cake! Please help me get it back by catching the culprit. There are five suspects, and they each tell exactly one fact and one lie. Here are their testimonies: SUSPECT TESTIMONY 1 TESTIMONY 2 Rachel It was not Chandler It was Monica Monica It was not Joey It was not Chandler Phoebe It was Monica It was Joey Joey It was Chandler It was not Rachel Chandler It was not Rachel It was Phoebe Who stole my birthday cake? Rachel Monica Phoebe Joey Chandler 3. I met Monica at a bar last night and she gave me the first three digits of her phone number, 555. She said if I can guess the last four digits, she'll go on a date with me. She gave me this hint: "The first digit is one third the second, the third is the sum of the first and second, and the last is three times the second." Please help me get a date! What is Monica's phone number? Rachel is upset and I want to cheer her up. You're good at this kind of stuff so I come to you for advice. I know the type of things she likes, but what she really wants is something unique. Help me decide which of the following is most unlike the others: Poem Novel Painting Statue Flower 5. Chandler and I have a gentlemen's bet on who can find the most rectangles in the following diagram: He says there are 9 rectangles, but I can only find 8. A true friend would help me win this bet so I don't look like a fool! How many rectangles did I miss? Page 3 of 6

4 6. Ross was short on cash so I loaned him some money. He asked me for x dollars and y cents, but I accidently gave him y dollars and x cents. After he spent $1.00, Ross realized that he had twice the amount he initially asked for. All in all, how much money does Ross owe me back? $. BACKGROUND CHECK BCHK 41 CR1653 M HOMELAND SECURITY To prove that you're not a terrorist, recite the following statement aloud and check the appropriate box. "I pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all." Yes No PERSONAL REFERENCE REF 639 XY 864 Z List one of your current friends as a personal reference. If you don't have any other friends, check the box below. Friend's Name: Nature of Friendship: Sidekick Comrade Pen Pal BFF Frenemy Third Wheel Imaginary Time Known: On a Scale of 1 10, How Good of Friends Are You? (CIRCLE ONE) I have no friends Do not write in this box. Official use only. WRITTEN RESPONSE ESE 896 KDF 3558 Please respond to the following questions. If you run out of space, just keep writing smaller and smaller until it gets too hard to read. Why should I choose YOU to be my friend? What's so special about you? Is there anything else you would like me to consider while I evaluate you as a potential friend? Page 4 of 6

5 AGREEMENT AGM 931 KT Please read the following statement, then sign and date below. "Hereunto, I solemnly swear upon the long arm of the law, to abide by the non aforementioned stipulations of this agreement, binding in full, from this day henceforth. Moreover, in the absence of forbearance, or other thereunders and wherevermores, without exception or extenuation, I shall suffer a penalty no less than four score and seven years, Abraham Lincoln, and other legal jargon which has heretofore been overruled, but objected to nonetheless, in the undisclosed fine print that can and will be used against me in a court of law. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." I hereby certify that I have read, understand, and agree with the above statement. Signature: Date: TO SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION, PLEASE DELIVER TO TRAVIS JAMES KEYES Page 5 of 6

6 Although there is no processing fee to have your application reviewed, a handsome bribe will increase your chance of being selected. Page 6 of 6