Claire Birkenshaw The Trans Experience in Education Personal Perspectives

Transcription

1 0:00:07 My name is Claire. Claire Birkenshaw. And I have many labels. I bring those labels with me tonight. I'm trans, transgender, I'm transsexual. I'm a trans woman. I'm a transgender woman, a transsexual woman, female that's what it says on my official documentation. And it feels at the moment that those labels can be debated. And they're debated by others. And, in some ways, it feels like there's a debate that goes on that's very, very abstract. And it makes it feel in some ways like a personal attack on me; a personal attack on other people that are like me, that are gender diverse. But the one thing that we can't argue over is this: that I am a human being. And as a human being I am just like you I have a heart, I have feelings, I cry, I laugh, I smile, but I'm really inquisitive about the world. And I like to find out about things. And I feel that I have an awful lot to give. And in some ways it feels like being trans is that that's what people think actually defines me, but there's much more to me than being trans. But what we've got to hold on to is the fact that I am a human being. And I should be afforded dignity and respect because that is the most important thing. 0:01:58 So what I want to do tonight is just talk about my gender journey. How did I get to this point here? I mean, obviously, I know I took a really long flight. Obviously. And I'm still recovering from that long flight. But...How did I actually get to this point? So what I've done is I've then created this gender journey for you, to share with you tonight that looks at ten quotes that have been then said to me in one way or another. And every quote has a story that then sits behind it. So, as I'm then talking hopefully what's then happening is, it's building up your understanding of what it's actually like to be trans, and your actions and how they impact on people like me.

2 So the first quote then is this. And this was uttered by my granddad on numerous occasions. Now I loved my granddad dearly. Grandparents, to me, they were just that something really, really, really special. 0:03:09 I don't know where Claire, Claire as me, I don't know where I came from. But what I do know is that I then had to exist as Claire. And existing as Claire, at home, with Mum and Dad, just didn't then seem right. And for some reason I'd identified that my grandma, maybe it's because she just had these phenomenal blue eyes. You know, the type of eyes that when you look at someone, you just sense the warmth and the care and the compassion. Those were my grandma's eyes. And I knew that my grandma would be really accepting. So, I then said to Grandma, "Look. Can I wear one of your dresses?" And my grandma said yes. And so what then happened is I would then create opportunities to go and visit Grandma and Granddad so I could then exist as Claire. But what happened then was that created I think conflict for my granddad. And the reason why it created conflict for my granddad is because of the environment in which he was then brought up. He left school at the age of 14 and he went to work in the local pit. He was a coal miner. And that's an incredibly tough environment for someone to then work in at the age of 14. And he joined his dad and he joined his older brother and then other family members joined him then working on the coal face. And so, Granddad didn't say things to me directly. What he did do was he would then have these conversations where I could then hear his opinion on gender. And it used to come out when - there was a music show in the UK called Top of the Pops. And I don't know if you've heard of, like, Top of the Pops, but every week there will be the most popular songs that were played in the UK. And there were certain acts that would cause my granddad to get really, really angry and upset: David Bowie, T Rex, Slade, this is all the glam rockers. So all the glam rockers were there, and they had their hair really long, they had the makeup on. And I could see my granddad getting really, really tense. And let's not forget that I was existing as Claire. And he would then say, not look at me, he would say, "And to think his mum wanted a boy." Now for me that was really problematic.

3 0:05:45 Because I was happy existing as Claire, but then Granddad was then saying that this was wrong in a way. And so, what then started to happen with me was this development of internalized shame. Because now, I was then in conflict of existing as me. Things then came to a head in my early childhood when I overheard my mum and dad talking about me existing as Claire. And I remember thinking to myself, "My secret's got out." And again, this compounded that sense of shame and feeling guilt for what I was then doing. And then my dad had a conversation with me. Now my dad was a police officer. And, and so I had a particular image of my dad as a police officer. And he then told me this story where he'd seen a man wearing a dress in the local shopping center. And he had to talk to that man about wearing a dress and it was wrong and he threatened that man with arrest. Now, for me, as a young child, that was then saying to me, "If you carry on what you're doing, you are going to be arrested." So then I remember distinctly vowing to myself, "Right, I have to stop being Claire." And so I had to control myself. And that was really, really, really difficult thing to do. 0:07:19 And so as my childhood then progressed, Mum and Dad then split up, and I know this sounds really bad but I was quite relieved in a way, that Dad and Mum then split up because of that masculine presence in the household actually going. And then I thought, "I'm now gonna be able to have the opportunity to tell my mum how I then feel. But I never did. And I always thought that my mum knew, because in 1979 there was a documentary. And the documentary that was heard on BBC was called "A Change of Sex". And it's when I came across this particular word "transsexual". So I was 11 years old and my mum then said to me, "Do you want to watch this program?" (phone rings in audience) It's fine. It's okay. I can talk along to a bit of music. (laughter) And so, and so, when my mum said this to me, "Do you want to watch this?" And I sort of knew what it was about, I said no. And the reason why I said no is because I felt that if I said yes I would

4 be telling Mum how I really, really felt. And I wasn't sure whether I was prepared to actually say, "This is who I am." Not at the age of 11. Because what would have happened next? And you've got to remember, this is the 1970s. But then I heard this word "transsexual", and it stuck in my mind. And the next day at school some of the other children had actually watched this program so I asked loads of questions: What happened, what was it about, and we had this like dialogue and I felt quite as...i wanted to say to my friends, That's me, that's how I feel. But then I was really worried about what the repercussions would be, you know because obviously I anticipated that I would be bullied, I would be rejected, and so on. 0:09:15 And then when I went to secondary school, I was told there was a forbidden dictionary by the English teacher. And I think it was the teachers who were just joking when they said the forbidden dictionary. It was actually the dictionary with all the words that were...not that all the words that exist. But then in class, modified dictionaries were then given out, and the modified dictionaries are the dictionaries without the swear words. Because what you don't want to do as the teachers, you don't want to give a dictionary out to like a person, you know they might learn something. And then...heaven forbid and, and then they look up all the swear words, and you'd go, "No that's not the purpose of the dictionary. There are other words rather than swear words." But you are 12 years old and this is what you're fascinated by. So anyway, so I had asked to then borrow the forbidden dictionary in the school library, and there's a moment where people look at you and go, "What is the purpose of your borrowing of the dictionary? Why would you, why'd you actually want to borrow this dictionary?" So then you make some stuff up and say, "I want it for this." And so I then looked up the word transsexual. Now that definition (pointing at the slide) in the dictionary it wasn't actually that definition. That definition that you see on the screen comes from a dictionary that my grandma bought me when I went to university. Now the reason why this is then important to me is because when I looked up that definition, somehow it validated my existence. It then, because it was in the dictionary, it meant that I existed.

5 0:10:48 And somehow that gave me comfort. I also realized that Granddad swore an awful lot, which didn't give me great comfort at all. Granddad swore profusely and some of the things he was then saying was just wrong and I couldn't understand why grandma wasn't telling him off more often. Anyway. So this was, this was now moving into my teenage years and again I was trying to suppress Claire. I would have days off from school. I would then go to Mum's wardrobe and exist as Claire. But I felt really bad about that but it was really difficult for me then to control. And then as my teenage years progressed then we'd moved on from David Bowie and glam rock and now we're in the era of the New Romantics and Boy George & co., so there was even more gender confusion. And then I thought to myself, Well, maybe I'm a New Romantic, is that who I am? But I wasn't a New Romantic, it seemed to be something more. And then a good friend of mine at the time, I then told about how I then felt. And so, I was age 16. But then school, college, and university just then take over because this is the 1980s. Where would I go? Who would I then talk to? Who would understand me and what would happen next? And then I came to recognize that I wouldn't know what would happen next. And I was too scared to do anything about it. So I'd shared it, but then it was feeling like, Oh you this is it, this is your secret now. And you want to then try and grab hold of your secret and bring it back because you don't want people to have this knowledge because it's really personal and it can be used against you. 0:12:33 So then I went to university. I became a teacher and then I worked my way up through the teaching profession, always knowing that this was inside me, and all the time trying to control who I then was. And that sense of shame just grew and it developed but also, how would it be possible for a teacher to actually come out and say, This is who I am? Then certain things happened with the media. There seemed to be a greater awareness of trans people but also there was legislation changes in the UK as well: The introduction of the Gender Recognition Act, and the Equality Act in 2010, and that made a decision. But I came to recognize that it was now dominating my life significantly. And I just, as I grew older, I kept thinking if it's not now when's it going to be? And then I'd moved to a point where I

6 then felt if I don't do something about it I will have never ever have been me. And I only have one chance of life. So whose life am I trying to live? And why am I trying to live this life? Is it for them or is it for me? 0:13:45 So in September 2015, I made the decision to then come out. And one of the first people I then told was my union rep. And my union rep was absolutely fantastic. And I'd gone to collect him, because he can't drive and he's made a deliberate choice not to drive, for various different reasons I think it's political, and which I admire greatly - but I went to go and collect him and I sat down with him, and I said, "Look, I've got something to tell you." And I told him how I then felt and he just turned around to me and said, "What you want me to call you?" And I went, "Claire." So he said, "Right, I will call you Claire." And then I started to really, really think about why Claire? Because for all of us, the vast majority of us, don't change our names. And so there I was, and I now had to think, "Right. So I'm going to exist as Claire. What name do I then call myself?" Because the name that I was given, was the name that I was given at birth. And so, in a way, you could argue that's a gift from my parents. So what does that then mean? Does it mean that I'm rejecting the gift from my parents by calling myself Claire? And so, I then had to think about what name would I have been given way back - I'm not gonna reveal my age - but way back when dino - (laughter) way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. We'll just say that. So then I looked it up and Claire was one of the most popular names. So I thought maybe just maybe that would have been a name that I would have been called. And I also had to think of a name that would then fit with my surname - I did contemplate the name Chardonnay - but I didn't think (laughter) but I didn't think that that would suit too well. I'm not sure what other people would then think about that, so I'd then opted for Claire. And I'd heard there's a link within the family, because my, one of my grandmas that she was called Clara so there's a link there. But the name Claire means clarity.

7 And so for me that was really, really symbolic. And it was also really symbolic and really powerful and empowering when I was actually called Claire. 0:16:10 It took a little bit of getting used to at first. So when people would say Claire, I was like, "Well who are you talking ab..? Oh! It's me!" And so there is an adjustment there. And I recognize that other people would have to adjust as well, but Claire actually represents a struggle a struggle in different ways; a struggle with going through transition. And it does make me feel really empowered. So when you are working with trans people and there is name change it really does mean something. And it's, it's incredible to then be called Claire. And I really like my name. Which is good, because I chose it. But also that its origins originally - it was a male name. And something happened over time where it then just became a female name. Now I didn't know that until I then did the research on the name. I just liked the sound of it. But I thought that that's quite interesting. So names are really, really important. So what then happened next? Well then you have to then start to tell, like, other people. And for some of the people, there's no doubt about it, it's challenging. And some people said things that maybe they shouldn't have then said and I recognized that. But what you have to remember is that those sentences and those words they tend not to go away. And they don't go away if you've not apologized for making a mistake. Because then it feels like it's deliberate and it's purposeful. 0:17:46 But when someone says to you, "Look, it would be easier if you transitioned in the south." That then becomes a little bit problematic for me. And it becomes problematic because it's almost like you're saying, "Well yeah, not in our community." So it's almost like trans NIMBYism, not in my backyard. And also, I didn't even know whether they meant like London - is it okay to transition in London? Is it, there's some sort of, like, idea you have what, you know, what London's like - you know, maybe it's more accepting? Which is an interesting word isn't it - when we say that - "accepting". Why is it accepting? Is it because it's cosmopolitan, what? Is it because it's closer to France? Is that what you're suggesting to

8 me? You know, I have like absolutely no idea. But what it did mean is, it sort of made me feel like I didn't belong. And it may be because, where there is trans visibility, it is easier. But then, I then had to make that decision of then coming out. And this was, for me, yes it might have then been difficult. But my job as an educator is to change society. Because one of the things that I recognized is that young trans people across the country they face hardship. And I had to recognize that as an educator, I couldn't walk away because if I walked away and just said, "Well no, I'm not going to like do it here because of what people may say." What does that then say to young people? It says to young people you have to go into hiding. It says to young people you cannot do it. I had to be the educator that had to do it. Because when you are a role model these are things that you have to then do. Because how can you then explain to a young person that yeah everything's going to be all right if you're not prepared to do it for yourself? So...that's what I did. 0:19:48 And then other people had different responses. This is a comment that my mum said. And my mum's found it really, really difficult. And maybe way back in 1979 I probably knew deep down inside that my mum was gonna find it difficult so maybe that's why I didn't tell her. That's something that I've reflected upon. But for some people, it is like a bereavement. And I go, Well you know, yeah, it's like a bereavement. Imagine how I feel? I'm like the living dead now. You know how does that then work? 0:20:25 And that is one of the things that I found really, really, really hard is the silence. So where I did have friendships, some people are no longer my friends - well they probably still are my friends but they just don't communicate with me. Because I did say to someone I said, "Why don't people talk to me?" And they said, "Well we don't know what to talk about." We live in Britain! We talk about the weather! That is what we talk about when all else fails just say, "Oh it's sunny, oh it's raining, it's windy." There's this, there's that. We can talk about the weather, like, all the time.

9 And that's the key thing. It's actually the normal conversation that you want to then hear. One of my friends then said to me, "Do you still support the same football team?" (audience laughter) How does that work? All of a sudden now you exist as Claire and everything that in your past is now to be wiped clean. It's like etch-a-sketch. I don't know if you had that - like it's...you know and so it's like oh no, no, no you're starting all over again. You have to pick your new football team, then your political party, you've got to pick a new faith, you've got this to pick, you've got all the food that you all ever liked, that's all gone out of the window. You're starting again from scratch. Anyway, so I, for those people that may be interested, I used to support Man United and I still do support Man United - that just doesn't then change. But that's the hard thing - the silence. 0:21:54 So if somebody is going through transition, or even if they're just questioning their gender, or their sexuality, or just anything, it's actually...they still want, for me, just the normal-ness, you know to still be treated exactly the same. But that was something that I found very, very difficult with my mum. And my relationship with my mum is really, really challenging. And that...it really does hurt. And I don't know whether it really hurts my mum as well. And she's only ever seen me once as Claire. And it is, it is difficult. Because really what I want is my mum's love. You want the love from your parents. No matter how old you are. So that's my mum. So family is really important and your home environment. But there are family members who do things that are really unexpected. The hardest person I had to tell about my transition was my dad. Making that phone call to tell him who I am was incredibly difficult. And I don't know if you've ever done this, when you've got to make a difficult phone call, you go up to the phone, you go, "Right I'll do it. No I won't. I'm gonna do it now, I'm gonna do it. No." And you'd then keep putting it off and then you say, "Right I'll ring at 10 o'clock. I'll ring at o'clock. 12 o'clock's a good time. I'll catch dad before lunch. One o'clock - after he's had lunch, then he'll be fine. He'll be slightly sleepy. He'll be ok. He'll be more receptive. No, 2 o'clock's better then, because he might have wind." Right? (audience laughter) So, so but it's...sorry...and so, so there are a whole host of like different things.

10 0:23:52 But my dad then said when I told him he said, "I still love you." I went, "Really?" So all that fear that I had had about being rejected that just wasn't the case. So then there came the point where I then had to go back into work and existing as Claire. So that first day back was really, really challenging. So I sat in the car and I've got an ipod and then it's got 17,000 songs on it. It's not a boast. It's like cuz a lot of the songs for some strange reason have replicated. And I don't know why that is, but they just are. 0:24:33 So on my journey to work there's three minutes to go and Lola by the Kinks comes on. And then I started laughing because I just thought, "Is this like divine intervention? Is this some form of determinism?" Then I then start to think, I don't know if you ever think about determinism and if you start to think about determinism you can get really lost into some existential crisis because then you think. Was that determinism that I'm thinking about determinism? Anyway, so this came on and the final line of the song was that (pointing at slide) - as I arrived in the school car park. And for me I'd always had a problem with that song. But it's a really interesting song in so many different ways - musically, lyrically, and so on. But it was then "girls will be boys, boys will be girls, it's a mixed up muddled up, shook up world, except for Lola." And I've reflected upon that and it feels like Lola is the only one who has clarity, because she is sure of herself, because she knows who she is. And then when I met the students they then said, "Good morning Miss." And that meant the world to me because then the correct pronoun was being used. And then one student then said to me, or, sorry, the student that said good morning Miss, I said, "You are the first person in history to call me Miss." And he just looked at me and just smiled and went, "Wow." And then, and then another student then said, "You're the first transgender person I've ever met." And they were obviously, because this is teenage speak, they just went, "Cool."

11 0:26:15 And that was it. You know, the young were really, really accepting. And then, you know, it did present challenges in lots of different ways, because transition for me, emotionally, it was challenging because of the age in which I was then transitioning. And so I then decided to move away from teaching. And the reason why I did that is because working in one school is how many people could I really reach out to? And I thought maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to then do something different. But also, that for some people, transition was a challenge for them as well. And really what I wanted to do was interact with people who had not known anyone else but Claire. Because for some people they're trying to like see beyond Claire. But no this is me. I've always been Claire. And that's what some people find really, really difficult to deal with. 0:27:09 Just recently it was my 50th birthday and I know what you thinking: fabulous. (audience laughter) Because that's what you should be thinking right? It's fabulous. You look amazing for 50. Thank you, I'll just take that as read. But, and so, it was my 50th birthday party - it was really warm, so I decided to step outside, and I was wearing this dress. I like to think it draws attention. And I saw this young person speeding up on a bike. Baseball cap turned the wrong way around, obviously obligatory, no lights on the bike, it's dark, obligatory, riding on the pavement of course, looking aggressive of course. And then I prepared myself for a load of abuse that was then going to come. So in my head, all those stereotypes that I had about young people being aggressive and so forth, that was now played out in my head. And I'm trying to tell people about stereotypes and yet I sometimes can be governed by stereotypes. And this young person made eye contact with me and I made eye contact with them and I thought, "Oh, here we go." And I was, I didn't know what was gonna come next. And the bike came to a screeching halt and he just looked at me and went, "Berkinshaw?" And I went, "Yeah." "Claire Berkinshaw?" "Yeah."

12 He said, "It's me, George. George McWilliam. You used to teach me." (audience laughs) "George!" I didn't recognize George. It was now, I don't know, he's maybe 20, 21 years old. And he just went, "You were my favourite teacher." I thought, "Wow." And then he told me the story that I'd then forgotten about, and that was because he'd hurt his ankle. And no one would believe him that he'd hurt his ankle. But I listened to him. And I took him along to hospital, and I picked his grandma up along the way as well because he was living with his grandma. Anyway, he had his ankle checked and it turned out it was broken. And it was that act of kindness that made the difference to George. Because that's what it is...that's how we get remembered isn't it? We get remembered if we're not very, very nice, but we also get remembered for acts of kindness. George wasn't bothered that I transitioned. For him, what was important is that I'd showed him kindness at some point in his life. And that really resonated with me and that for me felt like the best present of my 50th party. And I know what you're still thinking: you look amazing for 50. Thank you. (audience laughing) 0:29:42 So, finally, this quote is from Mary. I met Mary in November actually on my 50th birthday. And Mary then, with her book "Roots of Empathy", she wrote that in there. And that for me was really, really important, because existing as Claire does require courage. Courage every day. Coming here to Canada, getting on a flight requires courage. The things that people have then said to me is that I am brave. And when we say that, what do we mean? Are you talking about my actions are brave, but in what way? Or is it because you know that society is cruel and you know that society will probably say some nasty things to me. And if that's the case, and we know that, what are we going to do to change it? And what Mary then recognized is that essentially now what was inside is now on the outside.

13 0:30:44 For me, I am a human being. And I will always be a human being just like you. What I am doing now is I am just being me. And hopefully, by being me, I can interact with the world in the way that I should do. Thank you. (applause)